A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

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Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

A man was surprised to hear from an old school friend of his asking if he would be the best man at his soon to be held wedding. They had not seen each other for a while and he did not really know that much about the bridegroom to be, all he remembered about him from school was that he was a great practical joker. With this in mind on the day of the wedding the best man got hold of the bridegrooms lottery ticket and noted down the numbers. As he was starting his best mans speech he said that he as well as many others followed the lottery and if no-one minded he was going to read out the winning numbers which had been called a few minutes ago, everyone duly took out their tickets checking the numbers as he called them out. He could see the bridegroom becoming more and more excited as he read out the numbers until at the end, up jumped the bridegroom yelling out that he won the lottery, he was rich, he ran round showing the ticket to all. His new bride said how wonderful as they were now rich, what do you mean we, laughed the bridegroom? This is my ticket!! I am rich, besides which I have been sleeping with your sister for the last two months, so saying he grabbed the sisters hand and left never to be seen again.