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Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man - Family - Nairaland

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Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by anitank(f): 9:37pm On Nov 19, 2016
I don't know why this always happens to me. It's either I'm single with no one saying hi or I have to choose between two people who want me at the same time. It's never in-between.

I met this guy who's just a year older than me (he's 29). He's a nice person with a really good heart but I have a little problem with the fact he's a bit immature. He's always on social media posting very irrelevant stuff, plays mind games with me, not always sure about his decisions and sees nothing wrong with breaking promises. And each time I complain, he thinks I'm overreacting. And even when he apologizes, he goes back to the same thing after a few days. But even with his flaws he has his great sides too. I was really skeptical at first dating someone within my age range because I know the maturity level always differs but I decided to give it a chance and not just assume things, afterall no one is perfect, not even myself. I really do like him but his behaviors gives me concerns. The last time we had a heated argument and I tried breaking up with him, he got really sick and hypertensive and had to take days off work to see a doctor. I had to make up with him. He specifically said he doesn't know if he'd survive if I ever left him.

Now my big sister introduced me to her friend's brother who is way older than I am (he's 40). He's very mature and patient, goes straight to the point, doesn't play any games. He pretty much knows what he wants. We've only spoken a couple of weeks and talked about variety of topics concerning life, family, work, dreams and aspirations etc and trust me nothing beats having a partner you're intellectually in sync with. And although things are not defined yet, you could easily tell where this is going.

The both men have absolutely nothing against me having a son (whose father died few months to our wedding four years ago). The younger guy particularly likes my boy a lot. Never goes a day without asking about him, bought him a game for his birthday and is currently asking what he wants for Christmas. The both men have also introduced me to their parents. I spoke with the younger guy's mum on the phone. The older one took me to his family home and I received a really warm welcome from them. None of us live in the same country but my job takes me around the world and I get to see them whenever I travel to the country they live.

Now this has nothing to do with money or even age but everything to do with me making the right decision and having peace of mind at the end of the day.

Bottom line is I like the younger guy and feel more attached to him and can tell he wants this to work out. He's always talking about having a road trip someday as a family with "our twins" and my son, but it's emotionally draining being with a "man-child" and don't know how long I can wait for him to realize that certain behaviors should be left for teenage boys. If I complain tomorrow, the usual tagline would be "did you not see all those behavior but you stayed thinking he'd change?". At a crossroad now and need a tough-love kinda advice but please don't roast me.

Thanks in advance

8 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by harbibi: 9:50pm On Nov 19, 2016
Go for the older guy.

12 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by einscienstist(m): 9:58pm On Nov 19, 2016
anitank:
I don't know why this always happens to me. It's either I'm single with no one saying hi or I have to choose between two people who want me at the same time. It's never in-between.

I met this guy who's just a year older than me (he's 29). He's a nice person with a really good heart but I have a little problem with the fact he's a bit immature. He's always on social media posting very irrelevant stuff, plays mind games with me, not always sure about his decisions and sees nothing wrong with breaking promises. And each time I complain, he thinks I'm overreacting. And even when he apologizes, he goes back to the same thing after a few days. But even with his flaws he has his great sides too. I was really skeptical at first dating someone within my age range because I know the maturity level always differs but I decided to give it a chance and not just assume things, afterall no one is perfect, not even myself. I really do like him but his behaviors gives me concerns. The last time we had a heated argument and I tried breaking up with him, he got really sick and hypertensive and had to take days off work to see a doctor. I had to make up with him. He specifically said he doesn't know if he'd survive if I ever left him.

Now my big sister introduced me to her friend's brother who is way older than I am (he's 40). He's very mature and patient, goes straight to the point, doesn't play any games. He pretty much knows what he wants. We've only spoken a couple of weeks and talked about variety of topics concerning life, family, work, dreams and aspirations etc and trust me nothing beats having a partner you're intellectually in sync with. And although things are not defined yet, you could easily tell where this is going.

The both men have absolutely nothing against me having a son (whose father died few months to our wedding four years ago). The younger guy particularly likes my boy a lot. Never goes a day without asking about him, bought him a game for his birthday and is currently asking what he wants for Christmas. The both men have also introduced me to their parents. I spoke with the younger guy's mum on the phone. The older one took me to his family home and I received a really warm welcome from them. None of us live in the same country but my job takes around the world and I get to see them whenever I travel to the country they live.

Now this has nothing to do with money or even age but everything to do with me making the right decision and having peace of mind at the end of the day.

Bottom line is I like the younger guy and feel more attached to him and can tell he wants this to work out. He's always talking about having a road trip someday as a family with "our twins" and my son, but it's emotionally draining being with a "man-child" and don't know how long I can wait for him to realize that certain behaviors should be left for teenage boys. If I complain tomorrow, the usual tagline would be "did you not see all those behavior but you stayed thinking he'd change?". At a crossroads now and need a tough-love kinda advice but please don't roast me.

Thanks in advance

AND HEE DOESNT HAAVE AA FAMILY YET? DO YOU KNOW WHY? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE YOUR SISTERS FRIEND? YOU BETER MAARRY YOUR YYOUNNG MINND IF HEE WANTS TO MARRY YOU.....PUT UP A STRAIGHT TALK NOT ASKING SLUTS AND ASS_HOLES

4 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by Nobody: 10:06pm On Nov 19, 2016
Which of them do you love the most?

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Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by anitank(f): 10:10pm On Nov 19, 2016
Yieldings:
Which of them do you love the most?

My post pretty much gives the answer to that question

2 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by emeraldknytt(m): 10:14pm On Nov 19, 2016
Well, you haven't said enough about the Man in his forties like, if he's ever got a wife or still single. You still need to know who understands you better and most especially, he who is forgiving and very very sexual (not prurient ). So far from your story, the late twenies has a trait that turns you off (or at least gives you a rethink) while Boss, huh, is yet to exude his not-so-good demeanor (maybe there is something you're not telling us)... I am not so good with things that aren't money making though, I believe you will gravitate towards he that gives you Tranquility and Bliss

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Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by Nobody: 10:14pm On Nov 19, 2016
Then your thread is unnecessary.

anitank:


My post pretty much gives the answer to that question

25 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by anitank(f): 10:24pm On Nov 19, 2016
emeraldknytt:
Well, you haven't said enough about the Man in his forties like, if he's ever got a wife or still single. You still need to know who understands you better and most especially, he who is forgiving and very very sexual (not prurient ). So far from your story, the late twenies has a trait that turns you off (or at least gives you a rethink) while Boss, huh, is yet to exude his not-so-good demeanor (maybe there is something you're not telling us)... I am not so good with things that aren't money making though, I believe you will gravitate towards he that gives you Tranquility and Bliss

Lol no! Like I said it's nothing about money here. We've only spoken for a couple of weeks now and I've seen him just once with his family. Trust me it's nothing close to what you're thinking right now.

As to why he's not married at forty. He said the doctor-lady he had wanted to marry said she wanted something more "unique" than he could offer. I don't know what that means but it's damn too funny cheesy. So since then he hasn't found someone

Yes the late twenties has a trait that I'm not very okay with, and that is the only reason I've been going back and forth with him because I don't know if he's ever going to change.
Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by nobodii: 10:24pm On Nov 19, 2016
You dont even no what you want self?? undecided undecided

3 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by anitank(f): 10:26pm On Nov 19, 2016
harbibi:
Go for the older guy.

Ok but could you give your reasons why you think I should?
Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by anitank(f): 10:29pm On Nov 19, 2016
nobodii:
You dont even no what you want self?? undecided undecided
I don't grin

On a more serious note though, I know exactly what I want and it happens to be the younger guy. But my issue here is about his childish acts, poor decision making, always avoiding serious conversations. How do I cope with such? I don't want to change him or nag him into thinking I'm unbearable. But how long should I wait for him to grow?
Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by nobodii: 10:41pm On Nov 19, 2016
anitank:

I don't grin

On a more serious note though, I know exactly what I want and it happens to be the younger guy. But my issue here is about his childish acts, poor decision making, always avoiding serious conversations. How do I cope with such? I don't want to change him or nag him into thinking I'm unbearable. But how long should I wait for him to grow?
you dont have to follow your sister just because she is your sister just follow your heart to avoid story that touch

3 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by emeraldknytt(m): 10:42pm On Nov 19, 2016
anitank:


Lol no! Like I said it's nothing about money here. We've only spoken for a couple of weeks now and I've seen him just once with his family. Trust me it's nothing close to what you're thinking right now.

As to why he's not married at forty. He said the doctor-lady he had wanted to marry said she wanted something more "unique" than he could offer. I don't know what that means but it's damn too funny cheesy. So since then he hasn't found someone
I got the part where you inferred that you aren't monetarily driven or attached to either of them. I think you can cut the twenies some slack and begin to spend some quality time with him. Seeing how intellectually and socially mature you are, there are bound to be changes, no matter how minute. As for my Boss, yeah yeah, I presume whatever should be 'unique' is buying her a private jet or an estate in Texas(hehehe. Jk) but whatever it is, it shouldn't be so out of reach contextually (there is a reason for keeping that a Ssssikrit)..

Eitherways, the heart wants what it wants, You can begin to influence, mold and shape twenies into that man you want him to become without being demanding, overbearing and uninspiring. Twenies seems, to me, like the MVP here.... If I were in your shoes, I'd call my son and ask him who he prefers (a basic unanimous decision will never counter and two heads are better than one. The other best head you've got is your son's) *modified *. Well, the answer is quite obvious and shiny too. Goodluck.
All this typing seriously needs to add up in figures in my bank account abi smiley

2 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by randomShek: 10:56pm On Nov 19, 2016
anitank:


Ok but could you give your reasons why you think I should?
Experience maybe?
Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by anitank(f): 10:58pm On Nov 19, 2016
emeraldknytt:
I got the part where you inferred that you aren't monetarily driven or attached to either of them. I think you can cut the twenies some slack and begin to spend some quality time with him. Seeing how intellectually and socially mature you are, there are bound to be changes, no matter how minute. As for my Boss, yeah yeah, I presume whatever should be 'unique' is buying her a private jet or an estate in Texas(hehehe. Jk) but whatever it is, it shouldn't be so out of reach contextually (there is a reason for keeping that a Ssssikrit)..

Eitherways, the heart wants what it wants, You can begin to influence, mold and shape twenies into that man you want him to become without being demanding, overbearing and uninspiring. Twenies seems, to be, like the MVP here.... If I were in your shoes, I'd call my son and ask him who he prefers. Well, the anwser is quite obvious and shiny too. Goodluck.


Thanks. That's exactly what I'm doing now, cutting him some slacks but I want to make sure my emotions are not beclouding my judgments. Sometimes I feel I'm being too hard on him, other times I feel I'm making too many excuses for him. You just can't have it all. As for my boy, he'd definitely choose the one who buys him games, skate shoes and chocolates....I would too

3 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by anitank(f): 11:01pm On Nov 19, 2016
nobodii:
you dont have to follow your sister just because she is your sister just follow your heart to avoid story that touch
Makes much sense. Thanks

1 Like

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by anitank(f): 11:08pm On Nov 19, 2016
emeraldknytt:

All this typing seriously needs to add up in figures in my bank account abi smiley

Haha I know. Dankeschön for your remarkable comments. Ich schätze
Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by Nobody: 11:08pm On Nov 19, 2016
I do not see any problem with the younger guy here except for his maturity level which is next to none!!
He seems very caring and endearing especially towards your son, I personally would go for a guy that totally puts my child in the equation..
Stop making excuses for the younger guy, you are overriding your feelings and giving way for problems in the future!!
Being with a man is hard work enough, you don't need a grown baby as well!!
If you choose the younger guy, do it because you want him.. Stop waiting for him to grow up!!

Learn to modify his behaviour, but don't be his mum!! wink

12 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by anitank(f): 11:19pm On Nov 19, 2016
Captainbells:
I do not see any problem with the younger guy here except for his maturity level which is next to none!!
He seems very caring and endearing especially towards your son, I personally would go for a guy that totally puts my child in the equation..
Stop making excuses for the younger guy, you are overriding your feelings and giving way for problems in the future!!
Being with a man is hard work enough, you don't need a grown baby as well!!
If you choose the younger guy, do it because you want him.. Stop waiting for him to grow up!!

Learn to modify his behaviour, but don't be his mum!! wink

I swear you confused me more cheesy Are you saying stay with him or no. What would you do?

1 Like

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by Nobody: 11:20pm On Nov 19, 2016
anitank:


I swear you confused me more cheesy Are you saying stay with him or no. What would you do?
Stay with him if you can put up with his whiny ass grin

3 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by emeraldknytt(m): 11:26pm On Nov 19, 2016
anitank:


Thanks. That's exactly what I'm doing now, cutting him some slacks but I want to make sure my emotions are not beclouding my judgments. Sometimes I feel I'm being too hard on him, other times I feel I'm making too many excuses for him. You just can't have it all. As for my boy, he'd definitely choose the one who buys him games, skate shoes and chocolates....I would too
Well then, there you have it. From another angle, I see twenies doting(dote) on you... Maybe, you just so resplendent to him, you do not know thus driving him bananas and ehm... making him want to please you IN ANY WAY NECESSARY. As for emotions and judgement, the heart decides to keep waltzing to the tune of 'childlikeness' or to comprehend that no one is 100% however, we tend to blend. You could try to take some implicit vetting; making enquiries on how social and 'manly' he is when faced with a challenge (just like his sang froid) or opposition... You never can tell, maybe perfect maybe not. I know, apart from doubling up for a bump in my bank account, I tend to do and reiterate some silly things all for love.
A million apologies for the 'twenies' substitute...

1 Like

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by ifyalways(f): 11:40pm On Nov 19, 2016
I believe you know who you want but needs some sort of validation or encouraging from us.

I personally would say none of the two,cast your net wider.A 40 years old man will be too old for ME if I were 28. If you like the younger guy, help him be a better person.

9 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by nobodii: 11:45pm On Nov 19, 2016
anitank:
Makes much sense. Thanks
no p wink
Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by Ishilove: 3:17am On Nov 20, 2016
The heart wants what it wants...don't ever go into marriage thinking you can change a person.

Your heart wants the younger guy and I think his age is playing a role in his immaturity (although I know many men of his age who are way more mature in behaviour and outlook), but are you willing to stay and wait for him to grow up? His blood is still hot so you'll have to wait for it to cool down.

The older man is calmer and the way he will handle issues and you will be vastly different from your chewing gum bae. Mr Older is like a steady rock who has seen things and is wiser in the ways of life, but if you can't be with a much older man then stop showing him the green light so he can focus his affections elsewhere.

Our preferences differ, but personally I prefer the older man, buts it's your life, your decision.

Above all, pray for divine wisdom to make the right choice to the glory of God.

19 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by Nobody: 4:28am On Nov 20, 2016
anitank:


My post pretty much gives the answer to that question

You're a mum and you have to choose for you and your son. If I was your elder who cared about you and wanted the best for you... then I'd pick the older guy.

Reasons:

After loosing your first love you need peace of mind. You need nurturing and someone to better you mentally and emotionally.

As women we have the internal fight between our heart and our head and this is your internal fight.

The younger guy isn't stable emotionally and that is scary because you are responsible of a child.
He will give you drama and if that's what you want (although you stated you want peace of mind) then manage him but you to be willing to take him as he is and grow with him and not make it your mission to change him.

The older guy isn't that much older than you 13years is healthy especially when you've already had life experience (motherhood). If you want peace of mind and a healthy adult relationship (keeping in mind he could have his own wahala) then date the older guy and get to know him before you accept marriage.

If dating the new guy is not an option then better the devil you know (the younger guy).

Last point : I love that the older guy took you home to mama while the younger guy rang his mama. Think about that because that was a selling point for me on the older Gentleman wink

21 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by Nobody: 4:44am On Nov 20, 2016
There are many thirty-five-year-olds on this forum who are literally dumber than a box of rocks and who comport themselves like spoilt ten-year-olds would in public.

The younger guy you're into is probably nothing compared to the children in the bodies of adults that we have here, and perhaps with the birth of his baby he might just attain mental puberty and begin to handle issues with an adult's glove.

But are we certain that he would? He probably would never grow up and might just be among those that would yell at their wives in public at the slightest provocation, or beat them for lack of self-control, or worse.
[...]

As ifyalways said, you can always cast your net wider into the sea in order to efface the false dichotomy and create room for more possibilities.

...

The forty-year-old man is also a no-go area. You are young, naïve, credulous, (might even be desperate); it's understandable and expected that you saw a father figure in the forty-year-old, who though might be calm, mature and softened by the tutelage of life and time, might turn out inept in the marriage due to the yawning gulf in betwixt the both of you, the generational gap that is, thus causing you to get disillusioned and böred.

Don't be surprised if he goes ape when he sees you relating with younger guys after your marriage to him, he might also turn out to be a cultural dinosaur as most men of his age are – i.e he might think your place is in the kitchen and the other room, he might think you're solely for baby-making, he might think as a woman – more so a young woman – that you have no right to talk back at him etc.

And there must be a reason that he isn't married at his age. The reason he fed you with is obviously a huge pile of cow shït.

11 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by harbibi: 5:52am On Nov 20, 2016
anitank:


Ok but could you give your reasons why you think I should?
my dear pinkdiamonds, ishilove and captainbells has said it all. love alone does not sustain a marriage but maturity can go a long way. allthe same follow your heart to avoid cheating in the future. most importantly pray for divine guidance.

4 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by Exponental(m): 6:07am On Nov 20, 2016
anitank:

I don't grin

..then toss a coin!
On a serious note, define what you want. If after your decision, it doesn't work out, the definition you gave will justify your action. No one can help you here cos it's about your future, help yourself.
Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by cococandy(f): 6:30am On Nov 20, 2016
I would marry a 40 year old man if I liked him enough. And I'm not even 28 yet.

It's a matter of personal preference.
I can't deal with immature guys. It's draining. Petty games. And the whining. Argh.

I'm sure you know no one can specifically tell you who to choose. Think about which of them will make a better husband and father. If they both make the cut, You could roll a dice or flip a coin or something grin #kidding.

But choose wisely.

5 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by sisisioge: 7:08am On Nov 20, 2016
Hmmmm...Biko marry the 40yrs old so long as he doesn't act like your ancestor and you feel strongly enough for him.

The younger one here has the tendencies of making you a serial poster of advice-seeking threads eventually. I think you should save yourself some drama. This isn't to say younger men are grossly immature o, na this particular one I dey talk about.

5 Likes

Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by onegig(m): 7:42am On Nov 20, 2016
There's no greater blackmail in relationship than the excuse of getting sick and telling the other person you would die without them.

That's a big red flag you don't want to ignore. Reeks of lack of self esteem and worth.

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Re: Between An Immature Young Guy And An Older Man by JeffreyJamez(m): 7:49am On Nov 20, 2016
40-28?........that just looks wrong on all levels... Forget all those "calm" talk of that uncle.. .if at 40 he never still get babe something is seriously wrong with him that he is not ready to take the blame for.

As for the other guy... well, he sounds like s good but nonchalant person. And some people are wired that way.

7 Likes

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