positivestory:

One day he got very drunk and began calling me names like “Little cockroach” because he knew I would never be as good as him. That’s when I lost it. At ten years old, I jumped towards my father and blindly hit him in every part of his body that I could reach with my tiny fists. My mother came running from the kitchen and had to separate us because, since my father was a mountain of a man, he was easily giving me the beating of my life. That was the last straw for my mother.

That night she kicked him out of the house and I could never see him again for a few years.
After that day, we were shocked, but felt a small piece of relief. Eventually we finally found peace. The divorce helped my mother to mature, to become stronger and wiser. She had always been there for me and my kid sister. I grew up with the love of my mother who played the role of a father as well. My raising made me think that, if I ever had children, I would never let them live the hell I lived.



From the Positive Story - www.thepositivestory.info

At the bolded!
First, any child that raises his or her hand against any of their parent, has placed a CURSE on himself!
You can believe it or scorn at it but that does not change the fact.

When God said "Honour your Father and your Mother, so that your DAYS may be LONG in the land", you will think God was joking, right?
it means you have REDUCED your days in this world. It means you will DIE YOUNG... before "your days"!
Such child would NEVER find Peace and would likely be beaten by their own child, one way or another.
It is the law of "Retributive Justice", a.k.a KARMA!


Secondly, reading all you wrote, it is very obvious that you are hiding your real feeling!
It is obvious that your Mother has ruined your life (psychologically and emotionally), by depriving you of the "inspiration, love and discipline" of a father.
That is the first responsibility of a FATHER, to his Children: INSPIRE, LOVE and DISCIPLINE.

Your Mother can play her role as a Mother but thinking she can play the role of a father (which goes beyond provision of food and shelter) is mere fallacy.
She is not equipped to play that role, she will fail trying and she has failed trying......... that is why you are feeling the way you are feeling TODAY!

You think you are FORGIVING your father?
When it is obvious that you are the one that needs to be FORGIVEN.
You are fooling yourself right now.

Trust me, that peace which you seek will remain elusive and you will only, finally have it, when you ASK YOUR FATHER TO FORGIVE YOU AND LET HIM PRAY FOR YOU AND WITH YOU, AFTER FORGIVING YOU.

I am sure, as a good father who wanted the BEST for you, he will be willing to do so, if you come to him with humility, contrition and a sincere heart.
STOP fooling yourself, "A heart that has found peace, does not write all these or feel this way".

My plead to all women (and men) is that even if you dont want your spouse anymore, for whatever reason, PLEASE ensure that the children continue to respect and have access to both of the parents because each of them has a UNIQUE CONTRIBUTION to the upbringing, "proper and balanced upbringing" of the children.

No one Parent can fulfil the role of the other.

specter:
Tort I was alone. Sucks when as a Growing up kid nobody loved you, nobody wanted you. You feel sucidal. Mine was even worse cos both parent saw me as the source of their failed marriage. I refused to take side, had a mind of my own and was labelled black sheep of the family as the first son. It was killing . Left home at 16 going 17 to start life . He always expected I will come back when I don't find street life funny. I never did, rather I was succeeding in life and got into the uni. Then the rumour started that I had don blood money hence my younger ones should stay off me . Which they did and I hated them too for it. Celebrated all my birthdays from age 6 alone. I became a loner never when home during holidays. No home to return to till date. I still visit once I blue moon but have never stayed. Finally got talking with him after over 15years of me leaving the house. It made me stronger but destroyed my relationship with others in life. Learnt not to trust no one, fend for my self , lack emotions , stone cold heart and depend on no body. And this is destroying my relationship with people in my life. Cos I am too distant and unpredictable. Sometimes I am happy other times I am moody or indefferent. Thank God for my wife who gradually changed me and helped me get over the nightmares the street caused me. Today I am successful they wanna come back. To who and where I often ask. I don't think I can forgive completely or forget but I can still relate with them and use it as a levarage when ever they ask me of what I don't wanna do. But I never forget to support em financially when ever I can. But never will I go back to been one happy family. Only fear is it might affect my kids who might not know their root or get familiar with their root.

Its not your fault that "You are who you are"!
But thank God you have a supportive wife who understood where you are coming from.
I can also understand that you dont have a relationship with your Dad.

But in your "quiet time", be honest with me, DONT YOU THINK YOU WISH YOU HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DAD?
Think about it for a minute.

I am sure, despite all the success and confidence, l will wager that You are dying to have a normal relationship with Dad!
If we are honest to ourselves (Yes, to our self), you will notice that there is still a VOID inside you, which NOBODY seems able to fill.
You will notice there is still a place in your soul which no one still is not able to reach.

Its like a Man who hates his wife... he will always be 'short' of something.... because it is his wife (the good wife) who is supposed to COMPLETE him, so to speak. Supposed to make him WHOLE.
Same goes for a wife too.

In summary, try this:
*Purge yourself of the anger and hatred first. (You can do like this Op, forgive your Dad, the feeling that you are the one doing the forgiving, may make you feel good and make dealing with the issue easier).
*Call your Dad and tell him you want to have a chat with him
*Ask him if he feels any "loss/void" in him, due to your estranged relationship
Some 'strong-head Dad can pretend that they dont but it is a big, fat lie! He does, but too arrogant to admit.
*Tell him you have a VOID and you feel a VOID.
*Tell him you think both of you will be happier in life, live a fuller life, if you forgive each other, but you will feel better if he forgive you.

Watch his reaction and come back to tell us here.
You are about to experience HAPPINESS, as you have never before in your life!
Carry a Handkerchief along, somebody or both of you will need it

mysteriouxx:
Forgiveness doesn’t mean to include that person back into
your life: Forgiving someone does not always mean to have
that person back into your life like nothing happened. There
are people whose sole presence is toxic in our lives. These
kind of people need to be loved from a distance, may be your
father, your brother, your once best friend, your ex. Life is too
short to make it harder and painful by allowing them back
into our circle of peacefulness. Thanks OP .
They always expect things to go back to as they were.

That is not forgiveness!

It is mere TOLERANCE!
You are tolerating the person.... but you have not forgiven them.

When you forgive, you wipe the slate clean, you remember no more, their error towards you. Its like it never happened.
Forgiveness is very difficult but it's no use "pretending" you have forgiven someone ....when you are still "wary" of them!

There are some people you cant afford not to forgive, if you want to have Peace, real peace in your life. For such people, life is better if you can forgive them.... but hopefully, they wont come back to hurt you!
*Your Parents is one.
*Your Children is two
*Your Spouse is three.

Mind you, "true forgiveness" might open you to further "danger/hurt"!
Say for example, in-case of an estranged spouse.
It is better you dont forgive them ( Just try to TOLERATE them and keep them at arms length, watching them like a cat watches a mouse ) if you think forgiving them will cause you harm.
But you cant pretend you forgive them when you have not.

Real forgiveness keeps no record of past bad deeds.

Daboomb:


Its not your fault that "You are who you are"!
But thank God you have a supportive wife who understood where you are coming from.
I can also understand that you dont have a relationship with your Dad.

But in your "quiet time", be honest with me, DONT YOU THINK YOU WISH YOU HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DAD?
Think about it for a minute.

I am sure, despite all the success and confidence, l will wager that You are dying to have a normal relationship with Dad!
If we are honest to ourselves (Yes, to our self), you will notice that there is still a VOID inside you, which NOBODY seems able to fill.
You will notice there is still a place in your soul which no one still is not able to reach.

Its like a Man who hates his wife... he will always be 'short' of something.... because it is his wife (the good wife) who is supposed to COMPLETE him, so to speak. Supposed to make him WHOLE.
Same goes for a wife too.

In summary, try this:
*Purge yourself of the anger and hatred first. (You can do like this Op, forgive your Dad, the feeling that you are the one doing the forgiving, may make you feel good and make dealing with the issue easier).
*Call your Dad and tell him you want to have a chat with him
*Ask him if he feels any "loss/void" in him, due to your estranged relationship
Some 'strong-head Dad can pretend that they dont but it is a big, fat lie! He does, but too arrogant to admit.
*Tell him you have a VOID and you feel a VOID.
*Tell him you think both of you will be happier in life, live a fuller life, if you forgive each other, but you will feel better if he forgive you.

Watch his reaction and come back to tell us here.
You are about to experience HAPPINESS, as you have never before in your life!
Carry a Handkerchief along, somebody or both of you will need it

It's a long shot. God forgives, I don't. That's just who I have become. Maybe with time things will change. Yes there is a void I must confess. But I don't know how to forgive much more forget. I have come to aceept it that it's just who I am, and I can't change it. I still reemeber what transpired over 25years ago like it's yesterday. Nicely and neatly tucked away. I hate it truth. I am actually tired of living a wicked stone cold life. But God knows I have tried to change it but I can't. If God decides to change me, I am open to it anytime any day. Worse is , I can't pray no more, I open my mouth words don't come out and when they do it's just showmanship like I don't mean what I say. It's affecting my relationship with God too cos I feel He can change me but won't. Cos I know He is the reason why I am where and who I am today . Just say a prayer for me that's all.

Sacluxpaint:

I love your profile pic. Very inspiring

yeah....tnx

Nice one op proftens4real show ur self na abbey

specter:



It's a long shot. God forgives, I don't. That's just who I have become. Maybe with time things will change. Yes there is a void I must confess. But I don't know how to forgive much more forget. I have come to aceept it that it's just who I am, and I can't change it. I still reemeber what transpired over 25years ago like it's yesterday. Nicely and neatly tucked away. I hate it truth. I am actually tired of living a wicked stone cold life. But God knows I have tried to change it but I can't. If God decides to change me, I am open to it anytime any day. Worse is , I can't pray no more, I open my mouth words don't come out and when they do it's just showmanship like I don't mean what I say. It's affecting my relationship with God too cos I feel He can change me but won't. Cos I know He is the reason why I am where and who I am today . Just say a prayer for me that's all.

Your sincerity is touching!
I can feel you.
You are human, created in the image of God!
And l think you trust God therefore, with your sincerity (which God cherishes so much) l am of the opinion that YOU can change the situation.
Maybe you need more time to overcome your own demons (emotions/feelings) but l hope your old man will be able to hang around that much long. It will be the greatest tragedy, if he passes on, while you are still trying to "gather yourself" to do what is necessary...and that can happen anytime without notice!

A problem is BIG, only if we refuse to break it down to smaller bits.
You feel the void.
You know what it is doing to you.
You know the results are NOT desirable (You are a better person than that).
You wish it is not so.
Then the next logical step is to change the situation and it is not as difficult as you think (I am referring to your Dad here, not your siblings! You will have to "manage" your siblings for now. Help them till they are matured enough to see their folly, by then, forgiveness will be easier and meaningful!).
*Humility
*Appreciation to God, for bringing you this far
*Understanding that you are attempting to do what is RIGHT in the site of "God and Man"
*Prayer (ask God to give you "Wisdom and Strength" to do what is right before HIM).

Let me ask you a question: Do you know that the "Blessings of a father" on his Son (Him placing his hand on your head and just blessing you!) can be so effective on the overall life of a son? Have you ever blessed your own children by doing same to them? (if you dont, please start now! It is not for today but for their future. Always bless your children).

God is willing to change you because HE knows it is good for you, it is left to you to "accept God's will for you"! God does not force us on anything, not even to serve him.
Surrender yourself, you have nothing to lose but a whole lot to gain.
if you think life is good now, you will be surprise how life will get even better.

But wait o, He is your father now, so their is no shame there, if you stoop low to him, despite what has happened in the past!
That aside, you are opening doors of blessing for yourself and your househodl.

specter:



It's a long shot. God forgives, I don't. ....

Worse is , I can't pray no more, I open my mouth words don't come out and when they do it's just showmanship like I don't mean what I say. It's affecting my relationship with God too cos I feel He can change me but won't. Cos I know He is the reason why I am where and who I am today . Just say a prayer for me that's all.

BTW: if you find it difficult to pray, just give THANKS!
Thank God for your wife, your kids, your health, your success, the air you breath, e.t.c.
Just keep giving Thanks....and sing Melodies to God (mime some nice praise-worship songs - like" Monique - Power Flow, Ajuju ft Olaomega - Chante, Framk Edwards - You too dey Bless me, Omemma; Joe Praize - Mighty God, ....)
You can download the lyrics and sing along!
Dont wait until you can do thirty minutes! Do it in your car as you drive along, in the toilet as you poo , when having ur bath, e.t.c

I can relate to this well. My dad is strict also but I never had the liver to throw a punch but I'll talk and I'll do whatever I want to do. If I'll be kicked out, I'll pack my stuff and go. I was also kicked out yesterday not until my mom begged. When ever they say "what you sow you shall reap", I let them know my kids will never do such cos I won't do them as you're doing me. I don't even gist with him, only if I'm sooooo happy and feel like staying in d living room to have a chat. My first sister is my everything. Dads think because they make their sons go through a lot it can change them

mriyesecnerwal:
I can relate to this well. My dad is strict also but I never had the liver to throw a punch but I'll talk and I'll do whatever I want to do. If I'll be kicked out, I'll pack my stuff and go. I was also kicked out yesterday not until my mom begged. When ever they say "what you sow you shall reap", I let them know my kids will never do such cos I won't do them as you're doing me. I don't even gist with him, only if I'm sooooo happy and feel like staying in d living room to have a chat. My first sister is my everything. Dads think because they make their sons go through a lot it can change them

I am a Dad!
.......
Talk to your Dad, he is not "Sango" that you cant talk with.


PS: I am taking a break now! its past noon.

Great Post. Thank you for sharing.

This is a beautiful piece, for a moment I thought I was reading Virginia Woolf.

Forgiveness doesn't come easily to the human nature, especially when the offender doesn't deserve it and when we can sense he-she isn't genuinely contrite—one of the Nlanders I follow has something similar to this on her signature.

Most times, in order to not have to forgive, I'd rather not take offense, but that too is not a walk in the park.

specter:
Tort I was alone. Sucks when as a Growing up kid nobody loved you, nobody wanted you. You feel sucidal. Mine was even worse cos both parent saw me as the source of their failed marriage. I refused to take side, had a mind of my own and was labelled black sheep of the family as the first son. It was killing . Left home at 16 going 17 to start life . He always expected I will come back when I don't find street life funny. I never did, rather I was succeeding in life and got into the uni. Then the rumour started that I had don blood money hence my younger ones should stay off me . Which they did and I hated them too for it. Celebrated all my birthdays from age 6 alone. I became a loner never when home during holidays. No home to return to till date. I still visit once I blue moon but have never stayed. Finally got talking with him after over 15years of me leaving the house. It made me stronger buy destroyed my relationship with others in life. Learnt not to trust no one, fend for my self , lack emotions , stone cold heart and depend on no body. And this is destroying my relationship with people in my life. Cos I am too distant and unpredictable. Sometimes I am happy other times I am moody or indefferent. Thank God for my wife who gradually changed me and helped me get over the nightmares the street caused me. Today I am successful they wanna come back. To who and where I often ask. I don't think I can forgive completely or forget but I can still relate with them and use it as a levarage when ever they ask me of what I don't wanna do. But I never forget to support em financially when ever I can. But never will I go back to been one happy family. Only fear is it might affect my kids who might not know their root or get familiar with their root.

Please, what's your email address? We would like to contact you.

Great Post. Thank you for sharing.

Amaga:


Please, what's your email address? We would like to contact you.

funcuteman22@Gmail.com

Thanks so much! I'll work on that. We used to be better but now things have changed and they are thinking I'm moving with some boys lol

Daboomb:


I am a Dad!
I have children that are grown-up (at least nearing University Graduation) but l do act like a kid here at times!

If l can "reflect" on the past when l was a young man too, there are things l wish l could do, that l did not do, which if l have done, would have made some difference!
So, l like to say it and let someone younger try them out.

for example, can you call your Dad one day, when everyone is not around (or you too can be alone maybe take him outside somewhere quiet! I bet you are thinking he wont even listen to me, right?)
It depends on how you put it forward: Show some courage and confidence, in a very respectful manner (very important) but without fear!
*Look him straight in the eye, dont fidget, say it calmly: Dad, how are u today? (he will wonder fi you are okay!)
*I want to speak to oyu about something important, if you have the time FOR ME though (He will still be puzzled)
*Can you make out time so we can have a father-Son heart to heart discussion (he will probably ask you "about What"? in his most stern voice!
As a father, l know fathers appreciate strength and confidence, in their children.
*Tell him: I have been thinking about my relationship with you. I wish it was better than this and l really want it to be better than this but maybe there are things l am doing wrong, that is causing a strain between us. I wish we are the best of friends, more like buddies since you are me and l am you. But our relationship seems strained and l should not be so. What do you think l can do to make it better? I want it to be better.

Then give him time to soak-up what you said. Dont say a single word again but keep holding your gaze with his eye! Never lose eye contact, very important.
Some Fathers will open-up immediately. The stubborn ones will grunt and shift from one buttocks to another (like me!).
But inside his head, it is doing overdrive!
Let him express himself but if he is uncomfortable, ask him if he wants us to re-schedule the meeting to another time of his own choosing (Allow him to 'escape' if need be bu tlet him make a commitment to when you can reschedule the meeting).

Even if you dont get exactly what you want, dont be annoyed but rather show him that you are happy now that you have opened-up to him.
After that, show interest in what he does (dont pry please!). Help him in chores he does at home (polish and brush shoes, iron, wash cars, DIY repairs, watch films with him, discuss politics with him and generally try to break the ice).

I know for a fact that one of the greatest and most trying periods in a son's life is the "teenage years" (14- 25), its even worse when the bond is not there from the beginning!
I also know that Sons can "break the ice" by showing maturity and confidence, taking the lead and becoming the Dad, of their Dad!
Sounds funny ehn? Yes, all those "driving" that our Dad do (strictness, pushing you hard, etc) is to prepare you (sons) to take over from them and become "the Dad", when he is ready to hand-over (not before!).
So, show that yo are ready, by taking the initiative. But do it with respect, Dads hate competition in their house.

Talk to your Dad, he is not "Sango" that you cant talk with.


PS: I am taking a break now! its past noon.

I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received.

The above was a quote I got from the Internet. It has been my favorite ever since because it aptly describes me in this area.

Most people who champion the cause of forgiveness are seen as the weaklings, especially when they have to let go of thoughts of ill feelings against those who wronged them.

I will be honest here...

It is not always easy.
There are times when you forgive and you think all is well, only to find at a later day, under certain circumstance, that you still have reservations against the "forgiven"

I used to judge myself then for not being totally forgiving, but with time, I learned that it's part of being human, so I pray to the heavens for help.

I will also like to touch on the issue of forgiving oneself.
It is therapeutic and it helps greatly.
Sometimes, when we flare up at people or become so judgemental or condescending to them, it is actually a projection of our worst selves on other people.

As the saying goes:-

"The way people treat you is a statement about who they are as human beings. It is not a statement about you"

In addition to forgiving others, we should learn to forgive ourselves whenever that need to forgive anything or anyone comes up. I do it a lot and I dare say that I'm better for it...

I feel very passionate about the topic of forgiveness and on some days when I want to start feeling like I have arrived, a different challenge comes up.
It takes practice.
It takes time.

Do not feel a need to pressure yourself to forgive. If you do not feel like it, don't force it. If you feel the nudge to do so but simply can't bring yourself to do so, just ask God for help or better still, talk about it.

[quote author=positivestory post=51322378]I still remember the day when I told my mother I no longer wanted to be at home. I had had enough of so much pain, sorrow and the constant yelling everywhere. I saw my mother cry bitterly as she took the final decision to get a divorce. I was ten years at the time.

My father had always been a very strict man. He used to believe that his ways were the right ways and that everything had a logical order, he even considered himself “successful” because he had his own house, his own car, a high paid salary and a family. He indeed was a success at his office, since he had the guts to get everything done, but his own workers didn’t seem to follow him for the right reasons. They described my father as a man who liked to give orders and to keep things under control. He even told jokes at the expense of others to keep things “cool”, but in reality, those jokes were hurtful and humiliating. I don’t remember my father having any friends, nor saw him inviting anyone to our home for Christmas.

Father was always working hard, two shifts for five years. He later told me he did all that to give us a good future, but he was never present. I don’t recall him playing that much with me nor taking us on vacation. In fact, he used to beat me with a belt if I didn’t get good grades at elementary school. He used to bury in my head the thought of “be better than anyone else”. He wanted me to be as competitive as him, as successful as him. He wanted me to become like him.

But that wasn’t the whole reason why my parents divorced. My father, thinking he could do whatever he wanted, cheated on my mother with five different women, thinking my mother was not good enough for him anymore. Later in life I understood that it was him who felt not good enough.

One day he got very drunk and began calling me names like “Little cockroach” because he knew I would never be as good as him. That’s when I lost it. At ten years old, I jumped towards my father and blindly hit him in every part of his body that I could reach with my tiny fists. My mother came running from the kitchen and had to separate us because, since my father was a mountain of a man, he was easily giving me the beating of my life. That was the last straw for my mother.

That night she kicked him out of the house and I could never see him again for a few years.
After that day, we were shocked, but felt a small piece of relief. Eventually we finally found peace. The divorce helped my mother to mature, to become stronger and wiser. She had always been there for me and my kid sister. I grew up with the love of my mother who played the role of a father as well. My raising made me think that, if I ever had children, I would never let them live the hell I lived.

Time heals all wounds, or so that’s what they say. The age and many life experiences gave me the strength to finally see my father once again after so much time at a very sad family event. He was all by himself. None of the women he used to cheat with were in sight. We spoke few words, gave him my condolences and departed. It had been weird to see my father again after so much time.

One day he fell sick with kidney failure and was about to die. I went to see him at the hospital and it was really shocking to see the once strong man reduced to a thin ghost of a man wrapped in a hospital gown. There was no one around to help him but an aunt. No friends, no other women, no one. He was all alone. I spent days and night taking care of him at the hospital, we would joke around and remember the few good things we shared during my infancy. I soon realized my father was just another child that was hit and humiliated during his childhood. His parents had raised him the same way he was raising me, therefore, he grew up with those values carved in his heart.

That’s when I realized it made no sense to continue hating him for the horrible childhood he gave me. Life was already giving him a very tough lesson. Loneliness can be worse than death itself.

My father eventually recovered and left the hospital.

This part of my life made me learn these valuable lessons:

1) Forgiveness doesn’t mean to forget: Some people say “Forgive and forget”, I would say instead “Forgive, don’t forget, but don’t let the memory of what happened control you”.
I had known this in my University days.At that time, we were taught sensory, long and short time memory.Each type of memory has its time of elapse.We were told unless you have accident and had problems in the brain.Everyone has ability to retain so do not forget.A pastor Rev Olusola Areogun toed this line recently that one should forgive and forget.He said one can only forgive but not forget.
I Chronicles1 has an instruction by David to Solomon on how to deal with his former enemies.Though he forgave them, he did not forget.Ask why?That is why it was written.

dahdah:


You don't need to quote the whole story nah

[i][/i] Bros you wan die on top the guy matter

forgiveness is a tale only the strong tell.

Mhyketh:
[color=#550000][/color][i][/i] Bros you wan die on top the guy matter

First die, I go come meet you

specter:


funcuteman22@Gmail.com

We sent you an email yesterday. Waiting for your reply.

Daboomb:


That is the mentality that the WEST is pushing into our children and women of today!

Kick your husband out of the house, poison the mind of your children and let the children moan that their father is a bad person, despite working his socks-off to provide for all their needs!

That is exactly the life of people in the Western countries.
That is why they raise children that become "psychologically unbalanced" adult!

"Family Chaos" is the end-result.
May God help us.

Yea right.

But many Fathers in Nigeria should quit being assholes.

Many of them believe being an asshole is their God given right, and the result of that is seen in many suffering and unbalanced kids on the streets today.
The problem is a two way thing, and for us ti save our society from collapsing, we have to fix it

Daboomb:
At the bolded!
First, any child that raises his or her hand against any of their parent, has placed a CURSE on himself!
You can believe it or scorn at it but that does not change the fact.

When God said "Honour your Father and your Mother, so that your DAYS may be LONG in the land", you will think God was joking, right?
it means you have REDUCED your days in this world. It means you will DIE YOUNG... before "your days"!
Such child would NEVER find Peace and would likely be beaten by their own child, one way or another.
It is the law of "Retributive Justice", a.k.a KARMA!

Don't you think you are being rather harsh and judgemental? At the age of 10, most children are NOT in control of their emotions. I am not condoning what he/she did by any means, but saying that he/she would die young is cruel! Are you God? Did you send him/her into this world and do you know the time span God has allotted to him or her?

Listen, I have seen very good people with excellent morals and character who did not live long. And I have seen cruel, wicked and disrespectful people living a long life. Only GOD understands why. It is not in your place to judge anyone or determine the length of their days.

Daboomb:
Secondly, reading all you wrote, it is very obvious that you are hiding your real feeling!
It is obvious that your Mother has ruined your life (psychologically and emotionally), by depriving you of the "inspiration, love and discipline" of a father.
That is the first responsibility of a FATHER, to his Children: INSPIRE, LOVE and DISCIPLINE.

Your Mother can play her role as a Mother but thinking she can play the role of a father (which goes beyond provision of food and shelter) is mere fallacy.
She is not equipped to play that role, she will fail trying and she has failed trying......... that is why you are feeling the way you are feeling TODAY!

Someone has poured out all her soul here and you are still accusing her of hiding her feelings. In what way? Are you psychic? Or have you entered into the recesses of her mind for you to know that there are still some thoughts hidden there, that she is yet to share?

As for a mother playing the roles of a father, many women have done so for years! And a lot of them have done it well, because they had no choice! In fact, quite a huge number of them have done it successfully too, and their children turned out right. If the mother was a widow, would she not raise her child alone? If the father abandoned the mother, would the mother not have to raise the child all by herself?

You claim that the responsibility of a father to his children is to "inspire, love and discipline." Good. Do you realise that many fathers have failed to do all three? Several of them do not even know the meaning of these words! Some only live to have their next fix, or the next drink without caring about the impact it would have on their kids when they misbehave. A friend of mine used to tell me about how her dad drank himself to a stupor on many occasions, and lost his senses. Every night, her mother would wander from bar to bar looking for their father.

And she would solicit the help of strangers to carry him back to the house. They became the brunt of jokes, ridicule and scorn due to her father's actions.Now tell me what kind of inspiration and discipline such a father would impart to his children.

Daboomb:
You think you are FORGIVING your father?
When it is obvious that you are the one that needs to be FORGIVEN.
You are fooling yourself right now.

Trust me, that peace which you seek will remain elusive and you will only, finally have it, when you ASK YOUR FATHER TO FORGIVE YOU AND LET HIM PRAY FOR YOU AND WITH YOU, AFTER FORGIVING YOU.

I am sure, as a good father who wanted the BEST for you, he will be willing to do so, if you come to him with humility, contrition and a sincere heart.
STOP fooling yourself, "A heart that has found peace, does not write all these or feel this way".

My plead to all women (and men) is that even if you dont want your spouse anymore, for whatever reason, PLEASE ensure that the children continue to respect and have access to both of the parents because each of them has a UNIQUE CONTRIBUTION to the upbringing, "proper and balanced upbringing" of the children.

No one Parent can fulfil the role of the other.

Both of them need to forgive each other and forgive themselves. Even the bible you are quoting so copiously admonishes fathers NOT to provoke their children. I guess you did not see that part before you lashed out at the OP. From what I can see, the OP has walked many miles along the path of forgiveness, otherwise she would not have gone to take care of him while he was in hospital.

The father's unrealistic expectations for the child as well as his continuous condemnation pulled them apart. And since to every action there is a reaction, the child ended up reacting badly. Spoken words are powerful and the wrong kind of words can scar a person's soul for ever.

It takes two parents to raise a child, but in a case where one parent's actions are toxic to the child, the other parent has no option but to fulfil both roles, so that the child can have a decent future. There is nothing wrong with having a decent, responsible single mother bringing up her kids, if the man has failed or refused to fulfil his role. Or if he is simply absent, missing or dead. Hope this makes sense.

Daboomb:


I am a Dad!
.......
Talk to your Dad, he is not "Sango" that you cant talk with.


PS: I am taking a break now! its past noon.

Why did you edit this? It was so nice.

Ugosample:
Yea right.

But many Fathers in Nigeria should quit being assholes.

Many of them believe being an asshole is their God given right, and the result of that is seen in many suffering and unbalanced kids on the streets today.
The problem is a two way thing, and for us ti save our society from collapsing, we have to fix it

True!! In the old days, men took their responsibilities quite seriously. It didn't matter if they had just one wife or many wives. They kept the peace, earned a good living, met most needs on the home front, took care of their kids and laid the ground rules.

These days, it is a different matter. A lot of men who have no business getting married or having kids, are now having 'baby mamas,' because it is a trend. Men who should work on their own self-esteem, and build a solid character on which to hang a good reputation, are the ones that have lost the plot and are causing mayhem in society.

And guess what? The society lets them get away with it. And this creates the wrong role models and breeds wrong mindsets in many young people who emulate their sordid lifestyles.

The number of men who abandon their wives on a daily basis has increased, as well as the ones who have abdicated their responsibilities out of selfishness or immorality. The lot has thus fallen on women to pick up the slack.

May God bless all those hardworking mothers (both single and married) who toil day and night, to give their kids a meaningful life, without the input of the so-called fathers.

May God reward all those mothers (both single and married) who have chosen to tackle their problems head on, in order to give their kids a fighting chance to be successful, instead of waiting for an absentee father to drop in on his way out.

May God bless these women. May He support, protect & provide for them in ways unknown to man!

God bless you dearly for this post.

trueanalyst:
God bless you dearly for this post.

Amen

Hmmmmm..nice one op


Its really touching and very inspiring


Glad u could move on at last


That is what is more important for ur own piece of mind

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