Drusilla:

I say forgive him also. What about the situtation though that some famous African American rappers have faced.

The father shows back up, after the kid becomes rich and famous?

well, accept him back bt dnt give him access to your account, simply if he came back cause your famous and he just wants the fame!! give it too him but watch him so you know wether he just came for the MONEY!!

You guys have NO IDEA about the situation. You're all talking bla bla, until you've lived without a father because he abandonned you, you'll know what to do.

This 'forgive' thing is crap.

what are you saying girl ur nt the only one i have but i still talk to my dad and his always gonna be my dad!!

ddizzle:

what are you saying girl your nt the only one i have but i still talk to my dad and his always going to be my dad!!

I didn't understand a thing.

i think she meant u are not the only one that has gone through such situation, she has also experienced it and that didnt stop her from talking to her dad.

diddy4:

i think she meant u are not the only one that has gone through such situation, she has also experienced it and that didnt stop her from talking to her dad.

Thanks. Anyways, every situation is different but in my opinion, you should never allow a dad who abandonned you back into your life. He might abandon you again.

i wonder why God forgives you since he knows you will sin again.

forgive the old man if his pleading is sincere. no need hating him too much. you should know when he means what he says and when he is just saying it for saying sake.

diddy4:

i wonder why God forgives you since he knows you will sin again.

forgive the old man if his pleading is sincere. no need hating him too much. you should know when he means what he says and when he is just saying it for saying sake.

My situation is different. I'm actually living in my dad's house right now. Look, I accepted my dad back (I didn't forgive him or expect too much), a week after we met, he told me that he regretted having me around. For a year, he left without letting us know. He was with his girlfriend. He came back but this time he was taking weed so his attitude became worse. He's now living in NY with his girlfriend. I haven't talked to him in months now.

What should I do? Say 'oh daddy, I forgive you, I'll accept you back again even though you're going to abandon me'? My dad even said it: 'you're not my daughter'. Seriously, he's cut off from the whole family. I'm not going to waste my time wanting him, I know it's never going to happen, I have to deal with it which I've already done.

I don't care if he dies, seriously, I do not give a sh*t. To me, he's already dead.

i feel u girl. didnt really understand what u meant until now. aiight, cool. its one of those things but just dont carry grudges.

@retro:

I feel your words, honestly I do.

The thing about forgiveness is that it's not something we always do for the benefit of the other person, but sometimes for ourselves. You are carrying the pain of a situation that is not your fault. Forgiveness allows you to let go of that pain, and give it back to the one who created it.

I have issues with my biological father, and my step father. These issues haunted me and tormented me on a daily basis, for many years, until I learned what a gift forgiveness is.

Telling someone that you forgive them does not mean that you condone what they did to you. Neither does it mean that you will allow them to repeat the offence.

Forgiveness is a survival technique - do it for yourself.

true talk. no need carrying it in mind if the person you are hating doesnt give two bleeps. just forgive and go on with ya life. life is too short to be carrying grudges and stuff. you need to live life to the fullest girl.

2cantango:

@retro:

I feel your words, honestly I do.

The thing about forgiveness is that it's not something we always do for the benefit of the other person, but sometimes for ourselves. You are carrying the pain of a situation that is not your fault. Forgiveness allows you to let go of that pain, and give it back to the one who created it.

I have issues with my biological father, and my step father. These issues haunted me and tormented me on a daily basis, for many years, until I learned what a gift forgiveness is.

Telling someone that you forgive them does not mean that you condone what they did to you. Neither does it mean that you will allow them to repeat the offence.

Forgiveness is a survival technique - do it for yourself.

That's the problem, I can't. I can't forgive him, I just can't. He's hurt my family too much. Because of the whole situation, I don't want to get married, he's ruined my life. I will never forgive him.

you better do it for yourself. it aint worth. if u think he has a value, then keep on carrying the hatred but if u think he is worthless, just let it go. your hatred for him will make you miss many opportunities life has to offer. he iant worth holding you down. do it for yourself and for your family since u love them so much. try and proof to him dat without him, you guys can still survive and be strong.

diddy4:

you better do it for yourself. it aint worth. if u think he has a value, then keep on carrying the hatred but if u think he is worthless, just let it go. your hatred for him will make you miss many opportunities life has to offer. he iant worth holding you down. do it for yourself and for your family since u love them so much. try and proof to him that without him, you guys can still survive and be strong.

I have let it go. If he dies today, I wouldn't give a rat's a*s. He can do whatever he wants with his life as long as I'm not a part of it. I hardly think of him though. BUT I would never say 'I forgive you', that's impossible.

@retro:

You don't have to strike up a relationship with him - certainly not!

Confront him with all that he has put you through, and end the statement with 'I forgive you' - then walk away if you want to.

What is important here is that once you have done that, you will free yourself from being his 'victim', because that is basically what you have become. You empower him with your hatred. You make him a winner. Stand tall hun and throw it all in his face. Prove to him that he has absolutely no hold over you anymore. Show him how insignificant he is in your life.

@ reto

Thank you for being REAL. I don't have the time, energy or patience to invite someone so selfish back into my life. I never told him to leave; he did that on his own accord. There's no excuse for him.

As for me, I have all the excuses in the world not to build a relationship with him.

2cantango:

@retro:

You don't have to strike up a relationship with him - certainly not!

Confront him with all that he has put you through, and end the statement with 'I forgive you' - then walk away if you want to.

What is important here is that once you have done that, you will free yourself from being his 'victim', because that is basically what you have become. You empower him with your hatred. You make him a winner. Stand tall hun and throw it all in his face. Prove to him that he has absolutely no hold over you anymore. Show him how insignificant he is in your life.

By saying I forgive you, I HAVE to start a relationship with him which is what I don't want at all. I want him out of my life, he IS out of my life. I like the way things are. I'm not depressed anymore, I don't cry anymore, he doesn't exist to me.

When I was much younger, I was all gothic, I hid my emotions behind make up, actually, few months ago, I was still an all blacker. I have learned to put things behind me. My dad IS behind me. I am free. I won't forgive him, that'll be too easy.

@retro:

I understand what you're saying.

I have forgiven my father and step father, yet neither of them are in my life.

retro:

Thanks. Anyways, every situation is different but in my opinion, you should never allow a dad who abandonned you back into your life. He might abandon you again.

Quite honestly i thought about that but i also thought about the fact that God Forgives, I know in my mind that yes there may be a possibility that he might up and leave but I still think im comfortable now that i know who he is and the wonderful family i have!! Many people dont get the same priviledge that I do so every morning i wake up i Thank God i have a Father Like him!!

ddizzle:

Quite honestly i thought about that but i also thought about the fact that God Forgives, I know in my mind that yes there may be a possibility that he might up and leave but I still think im comfortable now that i know who he is and the wonderful family i have!! Many people don't get the same priviledge that I do so every morning i wake up i Thank God i have a Father Like him!!

Good for you then, have fun with your father.

thanx but girl, your dad must have f**cked up bad and im sorry about that you don't have to take him back just forgive so that your conscience will be okay!!

I LOVE YOU DADDY

if my dad left me for 15 years and came back 15 years later to ask for forgivness i would spit in his face it is so sorry fathers out here but everybody needs a fateher in ther life

depends on the reason a parent is just and always a parent no matter what

I think you should do what makes you comfortable and I don't think there should be any rule that says you SHOULD or you SHOULD NOT forgive. Everyone should decide what makes them comfortable about the situation. However, as long as what he did continues to influence your personal decisions, i.e. not getting married because of him or looking at every man with the same lense in which you see your father, I think there's a problem. He is controlling your life and this is not something you want him to do. 

Personally, I can't say what I'd do, but I'll say it'd be very hard to forgive or develop any respect for him. Regardless of the reason he did what he did, you just can't completely abandon the life you helped create.

Well, unless his life was in direct danger or his presence would have been detrimental to my growth, maybe he had some drug problems, or had child molestation tendencies, etc,  But even then, he could try to get help. If he comes with lots of money and wants to help me financially, I will take it. It's the least he could do after all these years, but i will let him know that he cannot buy my forgiveness or respect. And when I am done needing his finacial help, I may or may not forgive him. Emotional issues are very tricky. And I don't envy those who are forced to make these decisions.

Nia:

I think you should do what makes you comfortable and I don't think there should be any rule that says you SHOULD or you SHOULD NOT forgive. Everyone should decide what makes them comfortable about the situation. However, as long as what he did continues to influence your personal decisions, i.e. not getting married because of him or looking at every man with the same lense in which you see your father, I think there's a problem. He is controlling your life and this is not something you want him to do.

Personally, I can't say what I'd do, but I'll say it'd be very hard to forgive or develop any respect for him. Regardless of the reason he did what he did, you just can't completely abandon the life you helped create.

Well, unless his life was in direct danger or his presence would have been detrimental to my growth, maybe he had some drug problems, or had child molestation tendencies, etc, But even then, he could try to get help. If he comes with lots of money and wants to help me financially, I will take it. It's the least he could do after all these years, but i will let him know that he cannot buy my forgiveness or respect. And when I am done needing his finacial help, I may or may not forgive him. Emotional issues are very tricky. And I don't envy those who are forced to make these decisions.

You are definitely an intelligent person and a great Gift from God,

ddizzle:

You are definitely an intelligent person and a great Gift from God,

LOL. I don't know about all that o.
Thanks though.

no probz anytime!!

My father came back after more than seven years and for loads of years after, he tried to get us to love him and accept him the way we did when we were kids. we had lots of questions to ask him and believe me, we did; especially me. it was not nice to know that because him and my mama had plenty misunderstandings, he thought the best option was to walk away. i have always felt betrayed more especially as i was clearly his favorite and i thought that i should have been enuf reason for him to stay regardless of whatever.

we never quite got over the whole thing, try as he did to make us forget and blend back into the extended family [his siblings and their children]. in fact, we were so used to being on our own [i mean me my siblings and our mom] that we couldnt help thinking he was forcing us into 'accepting' the rest of the fold whenwe didnt know much about them except that we bore the same last name. it was very confusing.

he visited us regularly and by the time he was made the prime minister of our small town back in eastern nigeria, the visits trickled down to twice a year or somethign like that. he was always diabetic and had been fighting the condition since before he left us, then last year he had a stroke. on the 31st of december. it was a serious blow to the whole lot of us. we couldnt handle it especially as it became increasingly clear that we could lose him. And we did.

he died 4th April this year. and guess what? we didnt get to see him before it happened. i always wish that i could turn back the hands of te clock and make him stay alive much longer so i can tell him everyday how much i love him despite what he did to us.

even in the face of the most staggering level of unfair treatment by one's parent, the prospect of death and the finality that comes with it has a way of making all other things seem trivial.

whoever you are, no matter where you are and what you have suffered in the hands of anyone of your parents, i can only encourage you not to make the person they WERE determine the person YOU WILL BE. you have to understand that your parents have made their own choices in life and nowyou have to make yours. but the question is this; do you want to make a choice that will make a difference, or do you want to do the same thing and be even worse than they were?

you whose father has come back after fifteen years, i cant tell you that it is easy to open your arms and embrace him like nothing happened. that would be self deceit and its the worst form of deceit. but i can tell you that a careful examination of the past by talking to him and trying to understand his own feelings at the time, will help in determining if you will allow yourself forgive him. i didnt say it will make his leaving you right, no it wont. but it help you deal with the hurt. i did the same with my father. essentially, he was a good man and was much loved by his community. no one was interested in our side of the story even if we wanted to tell it. he was good, but hell, we didnt experience that 'goodness' and we were pained. still are. however, because some of us decided that we were going to hear him out, we were able to see that he was just a human being afterall who made a huge mistake. he regretted it and did his best to be part of our lives in every way. it never got so rosy between us, but i daresay that the whole experience made me a better adult.

i have learned that fathers and mothers are people, just like us children. they are as fallible as we are and at some point in their lives, they are bound to make huge mistakes that might change their lives and ours forever. but we can be better people by making the right choice and giving them another opportunity; a chance to redeem themselves, or at least try. and even if they CAN never make up for the lost years no matter how they try, we can have the experience of being father and child even if its for one day before they or we die.

i enjoin you not to allow the emotions of anger take you over. they are normal and they will come, but i know that with the help of good friends, a counselor, and ultimately, God, you can cross those emotional hurdles and you and your father can try to find each other again. Before death comes knocking at your doors. Becasue it will, someday. And death sure has a way of making all the difference.

@Blackgirl,

I feel your pain. I have a friend who is in a situation quite similar to yours, he is very confused right now. I am going to forward your post to him and I am sure it would definitely help him thru his pain and confusion,

Blackgirl:

My father came back after more than seven years and for loads of years after, he tried to get us to love him and accept him the way we did when we were kids. we had lots of questions to ask him and believe me, we did; especially me. it was not nice to know that because him and my mama had plenty misunderstandings, he thought the best option was to walk away. i have always felt betrayed more especially as i was clearly his favorite and i thought that i should have been enough reason for him to stay regardless of whatever.

we never quite got over the whole thing, try as he did to make us forget and blend back into the extended family [his siblings and their children]. in fact, we were so used to being on our own [i mean me my siblings and our mom] that we couldnt help thinking he was forcing us into 'accepting' the rest of the fold whenwe didnt know much about them except that we bore the same last name. it was very confusing.

he visited us regularly and by the time he was made the prime minister of our small town back in eastern nigeria, the visits trickled down to twice a year or somethign like that. he was always diabetic and had been fighting the condition since before he left us, then last year he had a stroke. on the 31st of december. it was a serious blow to the whole lot of us. we couldnt handle it especially as it became increasingly clear that we could lose him. And we did.

he died 4th April this year. and guess what? we didnt get to see him before it happened. i always wish that i could turn back the hands of te clock and make him stay alive much longer so i can tell him everyday how much i love him despite what he did to us.

even in the face of the most staggering level of unfair treatment by one's parent, the prospect of death and the finality that comes with it has a way of making all other things seem trivial.

whoever you are, no matter where you are and what you have suffered in the hands of anyone of your parents, i can only encourage you not to make the person they WERE determine the person YOU WILL BE. you have to understand that your parents have made their own choices in life and nowyou have to make yours. but the question is this; do you want to make a choice that will make a difference, or do you want to do the same thing and be even worse than they were?

you whose father has come back after fifteen years, i can't tell you that it is easy to open your arms and embrace him like nothing happened. that would be self deceit and its the worst form of deceit. but i can tell you that a careful examination of the past by talking to him and trying to understand his own feelings at the time, will help in determining if you will allow yourself forgive him. i didnt say it will make his leaving you right, no it wont. but it help you deal with the hurt. i did the same with my father. essentially, he was a good man and was much loved by his community. no one was interested in our side of the story even if we wanted to tell it. he was good, but hell, we didnt experience that 'goodness' and we were pained. still are. however, because some of us decided that we were going to hear him out, we were able to see that he was just a human being afterall who made a huge mistake. he regretted it and did his best to be part of our lives in every way. it never got so rosy between us, but i daresay that the whole experience made me a better adult.

i have learned that fathers and mothers are people, just like us children. they are as fallible as we are and at some point in their lives, they are bound to make huge mistakes that might change their lives and ours forever. but we can be better people by making the right choice and giving them another opportunity; a chance to redeem themselves, or at least try. and even if they CAN never make up for the lost years no matter how they try, we can have the experience of being father and child even if its for one day before they or we die.

i enjoin you not to allow the emotions of anger take you over. they are normal and they will come, but i know that with the help of good friends, a counselor, and ultimately, God, you can cross those emotional hurdles and you and your father can try to find each other again. Before death comes knocking at your doors. Becasue it will, someday. And death sure has a way of making all the difference.

Im sorry to hear about what happened to you, This is what im telling ppl, do what you can now!! Im really sorry to hear of your dads death my condolence to your family

@blackgirl

sorry about that happened. hope you be aiight


this is what im saying here. you think telling him off, will help huh? wait till his dead, then u will see what u have done to yourself. you wont forgive yourself no matter how hard you try to justify your anger.

i aint saying u shud just forgive him like dat but u gott@ hear him out and do the judging. he is human, he made a mistake. we all make mistakes but to forgive aint easy but it is divine.

forget the past and face the future. it will be aiight.

@ diddy4
What those on my side seem to be saying is that he was dead for fiftten year
and you want me to just jump into the am of a ghost Nay!
but i could forgive and it take awhile before we flow like nothing happened
If he dies before then no quams! i had forgiven him,
i can continue without him i did before he returned