I left my abusive marriage 3yrs ago. I live with my 2 sons. I hav a good job. My boyfriend has moved in with me and finally married me. He is so loving even before I got him contracts. He has built his own house b4 but it is far from my office. He said his wife left him when he was poor. I found out he lied but he used to beat her and bring women to his house and not pay his childrens sch fees. It is too late to leave him cos we are now married nd he is very kind to me. I hope it wld last. Pls advise.

Cart before the horse.
You are to find out a man's character before considering marriage,not move in with you before you even know his background especially if he is a divorcee.

You can only hope he doesn't beat you and bring in different women like he did with his ex-wife.If he turns out the same,just move on with your life rather than staying in an abusive marriage.

From frying pan to fire.

Putting the cart before the horse.

Campaign after election.

You should have done your research before marrying him.

If he starts beating you or he's mean to your kids, I'll advise you to divorce him.

Since you've done it before it shouldn't be strange to you any more.

thorpido:
Cart before the horse.

Lol. Are you a mind reader?

This is what you should have asked before marriage, cart before the horse as someone rightly pointed out.
Since he is still nice to you, maybe he will continue being nice. Domestic violence is bad history for anyone, but it's possible he has changed.

Don't get unnecessarily paranoid yet, easier said than done though.

Be hopeful, buy robb or aboniki balm...you may need it to massage your leg if he changes, put a selected rescue number on speed dial, save and continue saving... always be ready to flee

So he's a liar and a wife beater...
Hmm. You're right to be worried & scared.
But hey, chill. Give him a chance. People change.

Ioannes:


Lol. Are you a mind reader?

Lol

So you had to register today abi?


Don't worry
He won't beat you neither will he maltreat your kids

Is he aware that you now have the details of his past/ former marriage?

Has his behavior changed for the bad/ worse?

In addition to what had been said above let's give the fellow the benefit of doubt he may have changed or be striving towards change.

We all have a past and need that someone to give us a second chance in some cases!!!

Don't change towards him but be on the alert for any triggers of violence

Good luck

hmmmmm....trust women to fall yakata just because she needed a man in her life after the first husband,
usuall women get carried away by emotions without considering the consequences of their actions
now this situation has arisen, she is gonna live in torment for how long? when will she be sure the man will have changed? now things are rosy cos money dey available...when the thing go dry small then we shall see another topic on nairaland.....for now i advice her to pray hard and try to teach the new man how to be cool and take him for conselling
das all i have for now

It's obvious you rushed into the marriage
maybe cos you were lonely..
madam personally i dont have anything to tell you.
than to be careful

Is it that you found out he lied to you by interrogating him more or you found out through a third party? If it's the latter then 'the cart before the horse' doesn't necessarily stand since asking him doesn't necessarily mean he would've told her, he may also have waited to get married before telling her if he did, basically there are a lot of things to consider, I don't know the details sha.

Hmm, maybe talk about it with him, be cautious and at the first sign of violence, leave

I found out from the former neighbors when they were married. In fact, they said he is the one that complained his wife was not making enough money. I hav been too lonely and he was my childhood friend. I hav very good job and got him contracts also. He is aggressive to some people but gentle with me. If I assume he is with me for the money, was he stay if I submit freely? His mother likes me. She didn't like previous.

I think you're cursed.

From frying pan to fire

U should have kept him by the side away from your kids for bedroom duties.Youve done marriage before,what's the big deal?

You have children,you should have considered then first and investigated him thoroughly before bringing him in to share their space.You owe them that.


Your own don kpai tho,once the contracts dry up ,prepare to be played.

Long monogamous relationship if you so please is the way to go without chaining yourself down.Now your marriage is most likely not even valid/legal as he may still be married to his wife.

Loneliness doesn't mean you should marry abeg.

I have no cure for this one,just be careful and keep your finances and contracts to yourself and in your children's name.True color loading.

Blissquare:
I found out from the former neighbors when they were married. In fact, they said he is the one that complained his wife was not making enough money. I hav been too lonely and he was my childhood friend. I hav very good job and got him contracts also. He is aggressive to some people but gentle with me. If I assume he is with me for the money, was he stay if I submit freely? His mother likes me. She didn't like previous.

Be very cautious

If I did not marry him, people wld talk because he was already living with me. As I said, it is not easy to be lonely. My own husband b4, abused me emotionally and physically. My new husband was also lonely cos his wife has left with the kids.

Hmmm...I think you ace at attracting a certain kind of men. Could it be your shade of lipstick, perfume or that silly slippers you won't let go of? Whatever it is, change it cos abusive men almost never change. You have so far married two ...

He may continue to be good and loving to you. Be positive. Some people do change. Don't hope for the worst.
Do your best.. Be prayerful and positive. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

His seemingly abusive tendencies may have been prompted by his previous wife. Don't judge him based on what his previous neighbours said. They may not be well informed on the goings-on. Some women can turn an awesome man to a beast. There definitely is so much one can take when shove turns to push.

Having said that, watch how he treats other people, his temperament while driving mostly on Lagos crazy traffic. There is only so much he can pretend if he is naturally aggressive and violent.

Acidosis:
I think you're cursed.

that's mean of you dear. she needs your advice not a bad morning statement.

teemy:
that's mean of you dear. she needs your advice not a bad morning statement.

unfortunately, kind words won't solve the problem.

She doesn't sound like one who wouldn't mind having a 4th or 5th husband.


I don't even believe the abusive story about the first husband. Many women have left their marriages for frivolous reasons.

Acidosis:


unfortunately, kind words won't solve the problem.

She doesn't sound like one who wouldn't mind having a 4th or 5th husband.

we all make mistakes right? she was being honest about solving loneliness.

sometimes demons become angels if you treat them as such. i know this from my interactions with area boys and cops. they all have feelings. another divorce should not be hastily done due to inbalancing the kids except of course he fails the plumline.

teemy:
we all make mistakes right? she was being honest about solving loneliness.

Marriage does not solve loneliness.


The pretender of a boyfriend (whom I'm certain maintained secret communication with OP while in her husband's home) is after one thing -- CONTRACTS, not marriage. Remember, she said the guy has always been her childhood friend. I'm believing the dude maintained close watch and if more investigation is done, he must have pressured OP into leaving her husband.


They had a strange deal unknowingly to the OP. OP wanted marriage, man wanted MONEY.. In fact, the lack of money was the sole reason he crumbled his first marriage.
That tells you the level of his desperation.. What kind of man will mal-handle his wife because she makes little money?


Seeing all these, OP apparently do not see any wrong in the ever CARING pretender in spite the revelations.. instead, she opened a thread with a title about how her in-laws and husband cheated her some 3 years ago... Is this thread about her imaginary in-laws or the current pretender?


She needs deliverance really... Kind words won't solve her problems.. it will only massage her ego and lead her into doing MORE damage to herself.

now that last post i liked acidosis. the thread is about the new dude.

Let's hope he will still be dazzled by you enough not to abuse you when you don't make much money or give him more contracts.

I wish you had investigated before marriage. Wish you good luck.

Its possible your husband has learnt from his past mistakes, and is a changed man.
He hasn't shown you he is a bad person, so dont portray him as such. We have all made mistakes and bad judgements in the past that we are not proud of, but provided we've realised our mistakes, accepted responsibility and made atonement, then we are good to go.
Just encourage him to be a better person. When you're with the right person, the better you always springs out . Its a good idea to discuss your findings with him, your fears. Don't be judgemental when doing this, show some empathy and sympathy but at the same time let him know your stands that you believe he was wrong to have neglected his children and beat his ex regardless of whatever reason.
After your discussions, move on from that matter and continue to live your life. If he however decides to get abusive towards you and your children, you know its high time to move on. Better to live in peace than to rest in peace.

it is possible that as acidosis pointed out they both could have planned dual divorce and then coming together but now eyes have opened to some truths previously unknown. i hope he does right by her.

not leaving anything to chance blissquare can let him know she knows but as she could not tolerate such before, she can't now and if it is a charade it is better to call quits and be friends but if he loves the happiness they have let him sustain it.