Nigeria is an amazing country, very popular around the world and I can tell you that lots of people around the world envy Nigeria. what with our constantly shaky economy, corruption, powerless currency and most importantly, our happiness. yes, always suffering and smiling(Not my words, just that of one of the greatest Nigerians). So if you are a foreigner, a confused national or even a national that has been in diaspora(especially now that we are not sure of the fate of our people in the country of the president with the golden hair) I'll be giving guidelines on how to be Nigerian. it's going to be a Monday series so don't worry, I've got you.
HOW TO BE NIGERIAN.
NO. 1. *Blame the government. Always.

To be Nigerian, you have to learn to blame the government. If stay in your house and the heat is too much, blame the government, after all, it’s their fault there is no supply of electricity so that you can use your fan and/or air conditioner. It is even their fault that the country is so hot, during the previous administration, the weather was better. When you decide to get out of the house and go visit a friend and you get to the bus stop, wait for 30 minutes and there is no bus, blame the government, they caused the heavy traffic. When you finally get a bus and it charges N100 higher than the normal fare, form where to where now? Mtchew. Blame the government, they took away fuel subsidy. Start trekking to your friend’s place, one day, we go reach there. Buy biscuit and pure water on the way, don’t bother arguing with the hawker, N5 buys nothing anymore. Even the biscuit that now has 4 pieces used to have 6. You keep walking and see a pile of garbage right on the side of the road, stinking the whole place up. You shake your head and blame the stupid government. Ahan, how can a country look like this. Na wa o. You keep walking and you see two more of such, you even see a gutter clogged with dirt. You are almost at your friend’s, you finish your road companions and throw the sachets on the ground. You get to your friend’s place and you knock. Your friend’s younger sibling comes to open the door, tells you your friend isn’t in, you ask to wait, the sibling says no because the sibling would be going out soon too. You bemoan your fate loudly, telling the sibling you walked all the way. The sibling rolls eyes inwardly, doesn’t really care. You start you journey back, blaming the government. If you had had airtime on your phone, you would have called ahead. You stop, you decide to go back to friend’s house to ask for water; one for the road. You get close to the door then you hear laughter inside, that’s friend’s voice. You pause, then you hear friend telling all siblings that they are wicked, they should have let you in, siblings laughingly tells friend that they know you are a glutton, so you would not let them eat their food to their satisfaction. Your heart drops, you walk away remembering when you had a job and used to give your friend and siblings money all the time. You are heart broken and blame the government. If only the economy had been good and you still had a job. You would not go through this insult. You pass a corner that has a strong stench of urine, you are irritated. This government is disgusting, how can a country smell so much. You keep walking to your house. This government is evil.

SO there you have the first rule. if the governments does do something good like fix a road or build a long awaited pedestrian bridge, simply say "ahan (insert name of governor or president accordingly here) tried o. but anyway, we know the road kuku won't last. 3 years would show you that you are a prophet in these matters.




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cc: Lalasticlala and Mynd44

lolll.... rule to b a Nigerian indeed... and am keeping d rule...

[b][/b]PART 2

No. 2 *Religion supersedes all. Common sense included.
You have to belong somewhere, you are either Christian or Muslim. You could support that religion with something traditional by the way. Just don’t let anyone know. If you are sick, call your pastor or Imam. That’s the only solution. Doctors?! Puhlease. Those ones always have something to say, they just want to milk you dry. Instead of paying hospital bills, sow a seed and you’ll see. You seriously don’t have to know God by yourself, need I remind you that you are not good enough? But not to worry, daddy in the Lord is there for you. You are in serious pains, well, let’s just go to the hospital for going sake. It has been 3 months since the pain started anyways and u have exhausted the bottle of holy oil. We get to the hospital and there’s a queue.
See why I hate coming to this places? A little boy is rushed in on a motorcycle by his father, a woman with a baby strapped to her back is holding him, and he seems almost lifeless. A nurse rushes out to take him from the woman, another runs to an office shouting doctor! Doctor! The doctor runs to the bed the boy is laid but can’t see anything. There is no power and the generator is spoilt. One nurse rushes to get her phone and puts on the torch light. The other nurse can’t put her phone on, her battery is low. A patient grabs a lamp and joins them. It’s 7am.
They struggle to save the little boy’s life. From the wailing woman with the baby strapped to her back we find out that the boy has been down with malaria for two weeks and they have been praying for him at home. Healthcare is expensive and their pastor already laid hands on him. It’s 9am. They are still struggling to save the boy. We forget your own pain and focus on the boy. He is just 10 years old. The doctor is exhausted, they nurses are too, but they can’t give up. They leave to boy who is now responding to treatments to rest. The woman gives the baby to the man and asks him to get them supplies from the house and get their pastor. The man was just stepping out when the woman raised Alarm. The boy was gasping. The nurse calls the doctor and the other nurse runs to get the oxygen tank. The nurse that rushes to get the tank thinks on the futility of life. She is on her way back when she meets another nurse who inquires on what was happening and they stopped to discuss the foolishness of the parents of the boy who did not take proper care of him but wait till it was late to dump the hard work on the hospital. They discussed how the woman that brought him is his stepmother and how she would be accused of causing the child’s sickness even though the boy’s mother never contributed anything to the boy’s well being. They discussed… we heard someone shout. The boy died. The nurse with the oxygen tank started running to deliver the oxygen. The boy died. Its 10:30am. We are all shaken by this death.
They reject us at that hospital, we go to another hospital. We get out clinic cards and wait. A woman walks hurriedly past us, we take no notice of her. Two minutes later we hear a noise. We run to see what was going on. It was the woman that walked past us, she was biting a man. She is separated from the man. She says he killed her sister. How? Her sister had put to bed the previous day and had lost so much blood that she needed a transfusion. But since their daddy in the Lord had said that only vampires take blood, the man had not allowed the transfusion for her sister who was his wife. Even the doctors had pleaded but he had to approve it which he did not. The sister died due to blood loss. The man looked on in pain and confusion, he had not wanted his wife to die. He loved her, but Daddy had said it was a sin to take blood. You never really know the curse the previous owner had been under. What if the person had been mad or had been a kleptomaniac? Why was his own situation different? Brother Ephraim had testified on such matter, even sister Ngozi. We quickly walk away, we don’t want their death to rub off on us. We go back to waiting for our turn. We feel bad for them though, if only they attended our church. Our own daddy carries anointing and fire.
You need a job? Go religious. You need a spouse? Go Religious. You don't know the course you would like to study? Don't sweat it, solution is in religion. You don't have to worry, go to a prophet for just anything. Ypu don't need a brain even, just pur religion first. it may take years, but not to worry, religion will solve it eventually, and if you die waiting, it is the Lord's will. And now that new year prophecies are coming in, go get yours!


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cc: Lalasticlala and Mynd44

No. 3 Negotiate. Never pay as you are told


As a true Nigerian buyer, when you are given a price for a product/service, simply say “How much last-last?” Even you are told still say “ahan, it’s too expensive nah, give me the last price.” We pass a store that sells fabrics and we see a beautiful yellow fabric, let’s go get it.
We enter and a young lady politely welcomes us. We point at the fabric, she brings it to us, we touch it, we feel it, we hold it against our skin, we hold it towards sunlight, and we hold it against another yellow fabric. We ask if other colours of the same fabric are available, she says no. We ponder if it won’t fade once washed, we check other fabrics in the store, we peruse everything. We settle back on the yellow fabric and ask for the price. Its 15,000. “Ah.15, 000 ke? For what now? Abeg give us last price jare.” “It’s 15,000, but I will give you for 14,500. “That’s too much. We’ll pay 8,000.” “Ah, no. pay 13,000.” “We’ll pay 10,000.” “It’s 13,000 last.” We keep asking to pay 10,000 for another five minutes, she disagrees, so we start leaving the store. She calls us back and says we can pay 11,000 which we pay, get our fabric and leave. Do you get it now? As a buyer, don’t pay as you are told, as a seller, you don’t give the actual price as they would always bargain.
Might I tell you though that if you are buying let’s say a bunch of banana from a 6-10 year old child hawker and he says it costs N200, stay on your high horse and insist you would pay N80. If he refuses, send him away irritatingly. But when you get to big malls and you find same sized bunch of banana for N500, buy it, you don’t want to be embarrassed after all.


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cc: Lalasticlala and Mynd44

No. 4 When you hear Ole, Run!



Ole means thief in a Nigerian language. So when you hear ole! Run. When I say run, I don’t mean run away, I mean follow the shout. We are at the market shopping, negotiating the price of kpomo with the market woman, blaming the government on how the price of kpomo, common kpomo rose from N20 to N70 within two days. We are still negotiating when her neighbor that sells kerosene starts insulting her customer, calling her “bad market” for asking that a bottle of kerosene be sold at N100. We all turn to her to calm her, she disagrees and chases away the customer. We get back to our own haggling. Then we hear it. OLE! OLE!! OLE!!! The kpomo woman jumps to her feet and picks up a stick hidden by her stall door.
The kerosene woman shrieks and grabs a gallon of kerosene, stopping by the next stall to tell them to hurry with the matches. The electronics guy that is just returning from the petrol station where he bought fuel for his generator quickly jumps off the motorcycle and follows the crowd, the motorcyclist quickly rode to the front of the car. We are standing in front of the kpomo woman’s stall. The whole place is deserted, safe for few sales boys and girls who wouldn’t dare leave their bosses’ stalls. We follow the crowd. We hear a shriek, a scream. We squeeze our way to the front. Two young men are hitting the thief with sticks, other people are stoning him. We look on shocked, amazed and stunned. People all around us make comments and snigger at the bloodied body jerking and pleading. People around point and say ‘that’s how they do. Someone’s sweat, they will take it. Mad people.” We ask these people, please what did he steal, nobody really knows. They spit at him and throw whatever they can lay their hands on. Then a tyre mysteriously appears, as if there is a collection of tyres set aside for such spectacular viciousness. The fuel appears too, the matches follow suit. The crown collectively take a step backwards. They know the drill, they are used to this. The young men balance the tyre of the thief’s neck, pour the fuel and strike the match. We look around, nobody can rescue the boy, there’s a policeman though, but he simply looks on, taking deep drags of his cigarette. The fire goes up, the thief’s screams quickly seize and becomes grunts jerks as he stills but the fire burns on. Did I mention camera phones capturing the moment like some hip-hop show? People around disperse. We do too. Show’s over folks! As we walk on we see a small crowd at a stall, amused we go to see what’s going on. It is the stall of the victim that that was stolen from. Such pity. People question her, what happened, how did it happen? She says she saw him perambulating the front of her store for a while, then she became suspicious. But she kept quiet. Then when she went deeper into the stall to get water to drink, she came out to see him taking garri and putting some in a nylon, while his mouth was already full. When he saw her, he made to run and that was when she raised the alarm. “Well, he has learnt his lesson someone uttered. The people around disperse, we disperse too.
To be a full blooded Nigerian, support jungle justice. Doesn’t matter if the person stole, was trying to steal, or was just accused of stealing. You don’t even have to know what he stole, tried to steal or was accused of stealing. Here are the steps to take when you hear ole:
1. Chase the ‘ole’, grab a stick, machete or anything that can inflict deadly injuries.
2. Beat the ‘ole’ while stripping him. If it’s a her, now it gets interesting, molest her as you strip, ask her why a ‘fine geh dey thief’.
3. Grab your camera phones to record you interesting wickedness.
4. Tyre appears, fuel appears, matches appear.

You’re done. Check several cases on the internet for reference. Now you are on your way to being a full-fledged Nigerian.

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cc: Lalasticlala and Mynd44

No. 5. Be Your own Government

How have the lessons been so far? Are you understanding and learning (swiftly) how to be Nigerian? If so, glory be to … I must let you know that I wouldn’t teach you everything about being Nigerian as there are some things you would have to learn on your own. For example, your environment would determine how you would speak as a Nigerian. If you would speak smooth pidgin or rough pidgin, if you would use cuss words or naija slangs, if you would speak Queens English or Nigerian English and so on. Things like this have to do with WHERE you are in Nigeria. However, there is one thing that is constant all through the country. Your territory or terrain has nothing to do with it. That is being your own government. Wait, wait, of course it’s a democratic government here, we do have an elected government. No Jammeh situation here, we own the ol’ guy Goodluck.

Let me explain.
Let’s say we move to a new state because we got awesome well-paying jobs. We’re starting life afresh. The job comes with no additional package, just the salary. In the Nigeria of today, we are truly grateful for that. We quickly rent a small room in a ‘face-me-I-face-you’ to ‘manage’ till we save enough for a better place. We move in, we have nice neigbours. Life is good. Then we start work, we look good on the first week, after all our clothes come straight from the packet. We shopped for the new job. The second week comes, and we realise electricity has been supplied just once since we were here. We have to start paying drycleaners to iron our clothes. By the time the first salary comes in, our pocket is ‘dry’. Out of this salary, we pay our tithe, send some home, buy foodstuff, save some for transport. Whew! We didn’t even realise there was barely nothing left. We look forward to next month’s. Next month comes, we are semi dry, we have learnt to manage in the past weeks. We save for another month and we purchase our own electricity: generator. It took another two days for our neighbours to ask to share with them. We also purchase containers large enough and pay the keg totting water sellers to fill them. We’ve had enough of buckets, two months later, the landlord calls us tenants to a meeting.it has been decided by the landlords’ association that it is time to provide our own drainage and passable road. We were all to donate a multiple of zeros amount to the project. We don’t argue. We have learnt that it’s in our hand to provide everything. You see, the government is made of people. Fellow Nigerians. So the drainage is provided, the good road is created. Just like the government would, the job is given to the child of the sister to the cousin of the chairperson of the Landlord’s association. It takes 2 years. In two years, the drainage is clogged and oozes of rotten waste. We have taken to disposing our dirt in three. Those two years plus another six months, small potholes become ditches in the roads. We all take to blaming the government. Oh, yes, we are still living here three years later. We would get the apartment later. From the fueling of the generator to the buying of water, from the paying of rent to the donations to the building of our country, let’s not forget the inflation and taxes, we are still saving up for that better apartment. One day someone asks for the meaning of WC, we say water closet. No! Someone says, in relation to Nigeria. We are confused. What could it mean? Someone says it means Water Corporation. We laugh in spiritual powers, no way! Someone says yes way. it's a term we are unfamiliar with. While we are laughing, the electricity bill arrives. Our laugh runs away. Electricity had been supplied just once this month. A meeting is called, we have to donate, there is going to be a protest. We need fuel for the car that would carry the generator that would carry the public address system. We take out of our savings, for the sanity of our government

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