I said No today. I say No a lot, mostly to avoid people-ey situations, always for my benefit. But today I said No to something pleasurable, a heady mix of ecstacy, selfishness and pride.

Most of us have exes, not real ones though, an ex-almost, an ex-maybe, someone that wasn’t ours but was, in the twisted way that dysfunctionality provides. I say most because I’d like to think I’m not the only one, that there’s a tribe of confused lovers somewhere, a tribe that should be meeting, a lovers Anonymous group . Well, my almost-maybe called. He called today.

I had been home all morning, drifting from sleeping to eating to a semi unconscious state where I don’t even recall what grand scheme I was following through with when my phone rang and I saw the caller ID and I had a panic attack. Slightly. He said he wanted to see me and I said I was busy. Only, I wasn’t and I wondered why I lied. It upset me to think I was running like a scared little girl. “I’ll see you in 30” I said and ended the call before I had time to change my mind.

The knot in my chest keeps getting tighter and I almost took the cab guy’s insistence on entering with change as a sign to not go. I didn’t have change and I couldn’t breathe but still I went. Even though I was lying to myself, I knew exactly why I was going ;...Read More @https://olliealley./2017/01/07/1388/