I live in the U.K. I've been married to my husband for two and a half years, we dated for a year before eloping.

Shortly after marriage, my husband left his job and has since refused to work. He relies on doing yahoo/fraud to earn a living. I am not perfect but as a Christian, I believe this is morally wrong. I hate this. I am also working professional, working for the government and I can put myself and kids at risk of anything happens - God forbid.

Must I add that we have a toddler and baby number 2 on the way - due anytime now In fact. We also have an older daughter, age 5 - from his previous relationship.

Here is my dilemma -
I'm currently living at home with my mum. We recently got evicted from our flat due to extreme rent arrears as my husband refused to pay rent. Im currently working and I've been the only one financing myself and my daughters care, school fees, food shopping, house hold bills etc. As I am legally the sole tenancy holder for our flat, I applied for housing benefits (where the government assists you with your rent) to minimise the risk of us loosing our home. I also made payments every month towards our rent with any surplus income I receive, after taking care of our everyday essentials. unfortunately this hasn't been enough to keep our home. After a year of this our landlord couldn't take it anymore and decided to evict us.
My partner is living with a friend.

His family are back home, although he has a sister here in the U.K. and in the states. They are fully aware of our current situation, they've tried to talk to him but of corse no change.
Everyone has tried to mediate...both our family, pastors, friends... you name it. My husband is not ready to change.
Our relationship isn't great either, we do not kiss, no sex, we live separate lives. My husband goes out clubbing 3-4 times a week and is a heavy smoker (weed) and drinker. He is also very emotionally manipulative. Every time I try to advise him to start working, or to live a better life, we will ALWAYS quarrel. He will go for weeks without talking to me.
I really hate this as I don't like trouble but this is really unfair. It has now got to the point where I am scared to comment on anything, with the hopes of keeping peace in our marriage.

Recent issue is that he now wants me to use fraudulent documents/fake ID to obtain a new tenancy (I cannot use my name because of the recent eviction - no landlord will touch me. I'm in a lot of dept, £6k alone from the rent arrears, so I cannot get a good reference and now have bad credit). Of corse I objected and pleaded for him to get a job and do things this right way. Because of this he is angry, saying I've insulted him and has refused to talk to me. Typical behaviour.

I also suspect he married me for papers as I am a U.K. National. Although He hasn't got his stay yet, he is on a marriage visa.

Ive had enough and I am planning on separating from him, until he is serious and ready to be responsible.

Just wanted unbiased views on my situation, am I doing the right thing (as a Christian). What would you do ?

Regards

This your case is indeed a critical one. Your husband has been doing this same thing even before getting married to you and I believe that he is not into the fraudulent act alone. He must have friends who are into the same thing and have not been caught that is why he feels lucky to be involved in such. I am not sure he is ready for a family because no man in his right senses will indulge himself in acts that will jeopardize his family. You have tried your best as a wife to appeal to him to come out of his fraudulent activity and take care if his family but he is not ready to do so. He has a plan which he has not yet actualized and is focused on his plan. My advice to you is that if you feel you have tried all you can and cannot continue, then move on with your life as you planned.

Good a thing that he is squatting with a friend, use this period to build ur life and get a stable income. do not divorce him cos he might change for the better tomorrow, but separation is fine cos it helps the couple to know wat doesn't work in their marriage and make amends.

boxer022:
This your case is indeed a critical one. Your husband has been doing this same thing even before getting married to you and I believe that he is not into the fraudulent act alone. He must have friends who are into the same thing and have not been caught that is why he feels lucky to be involved in such. I am not sure he is ready for a family because no man in his right senses will indulge himself in acts that will jeopardize his family. You have tried your best as a wife to appeal to him to come out of his fraudulent activity and take care if his family but he is not ready to do so. He has a plan which he has not yet actualized and is focused on his plan. My advice to you is that if you feel you have tried all you can and cannot continue, then move on with your life as you planned.

Nice words my brother. Just to add a few more here.

Ma'am it is never a good thing to bring ones matrimonial troubles to the social media because many will end up giving you some misleading advises that will finally bring the whole thing to an irreparable jeopardy. However, I can feel your pain and exhaustion since families, friends and even your pastor have come to salvage the situation but to no avail.

I want you to understand that some people will never ever change in this life and that seems to be the situation of your husband. Like the one I quoted said, he really do have a hidden agenda and once he gets it, believe me, you will never see him anywhere near you anymore. You will become just a "thing" to him.

I will advice you pick up your life. Get focused on yourself and kids and forget about him. If you get yourself another man who will cherish and love you and your kids, get married. May the good LORD be with you and strengthen you always.

McDee01:



Nice words my brother. Just to add a few more here.

Ma'am it is never a good thing to bring ones matrimonial troubles to the social media because many will end up giving you some misleading advises that will finally bring the whole thing to an irreparable jeopardy. However, I can feel your pain and exhaustion since families, friends and even your pastor have come to salvage the situation but to no avail.

I want you to understand that some people will never ever change in this life and that seems to be the situation of your husband. Like the one I quoted said, he really do have a hidden agenda and once he gets it, believe me, you will never see him anywhere near you anymore. You will become just a "thing" to him.

I will advice you pick up your life. Get focused on yourself and kids and forget about him. If you get yourself another man who will cherish and love you and your kids, get married. May the good LORD be with you and strengthen you always.

Yeah?

Acidosis:


Yeah?

What's biting you??

Are you doing the right thing as a CHRISTIAN?You should have DONE the right thing FIRST as a CHRISTIAN.That is to know what foundation you want to build on and WEED OFF people who are not worth it.You should NOT have married your husband.
You married a weed smoker,drinker,club addict,fraudster,lazy and worse still a man who doesn't really love you.What was your motivation for marrying him?

As it stands now,i'll advise you to look for ways to get yourself together.Raise some money and get your own apartment.Have a regular income so you can take care of your kids.Your guy should be secondary now.To be honest with you,except by divine inspiration,he won't change.It really would be a waste of time,emotions and energy waiting for him to get himself together.

Acidosis:


Yeah?

Hehe

Don't attempt to move in with him again. It is also in your interest to put his paper filing on hold for the sake of your kids. I believe you married someone who was a criminal all along. He may have hidden his nature. Look you have kids now, if he isn't willing to be an adult, give him some good space. Because when they catch him, and they eventually will, you don't want to get caught in this mess. Who will now take care of your kids if you are both locked up.

Just focus on getting back on your feet for now and paying off your debts. Leave him alone to keep staying with his friend. He is putting pressure on you because the friend is probably asking when he will leave. Don't even do anything criminal. I am sorry you married the wrong person. If you don't run away, he will end up scamming you and putting you in a big time mess. Also make sure there are no traces between him and you money-wise. As in, don't let him or his friends wire any money into your account or use you as a front for anything o.

Lol. Some people go just open their eyes marry wahala.

He probably had these bad behaviours before you married him (I'm sure you noticed them but ignored them) and he probably did marry you for papers. Let him huff and puff all he wants but don't let him manipulative you into doing anything illegal. He has gotten you into enough trouble as it is with your eviction, debt and bad credit. Manipulative people are very difficult to change. The change itself must come from them; you can't make them.

After your baby is born, get yourself together, or start now. He might try to return when he sees you back on your feet but be careful w/ letting him b/c he will just pull you into a rot again. Let him prove himself to you first before allowing him otherwise he will continue to treat you anyhow: he needs to get a job and keep it, provide for your family, be there for you and the kids, put a stop to his yahoo yahoo, treat you better, etc. None of this is asking for too much; any grown man who loves his family would already be doing all these and more.

Mamaof2:


I also suspect he married me for papers as I am a U.K. National. Although He hasn't got his stay yet, he is on a marriage visa.

Ive had enough and I am planning on separating from him, until he is serious and ready to be responsible.

Just wanted unbiased views on my situation, am I doing the right thing (as a Christian). What would you do ?

Regards

@bolded I highly suspect this too.

Your husband is a bad case and has been like that for a long time before you even married him. You were just blinded by emotions then, probably you weren't a Christian then.

However, I believe that he is not a lost cause yet, even though he might have a private agenda he is working on, as other posters have said.

As a Christain, it's okay to separate, so you can focus on building a good better life for yourself and the children, BUT DON'T DIVORCE him yet. These days the only advice people give at the first sign of marital pressure is, divorce him, move on, not taking into account that God has the power to change and transform the vilest of men. We have seen couples separate for donkey years and still come back together later on. So do these and pray seriously for your husband and marriage. Don't listen to talks of divorce. May God intervene in your marriage in Jesus name.

Mamaof2:


Regards

You guys won't even have anything to call marriage if you don't get a hold on your finances. You can't be doing the same thing and expecting different results. You really need to embrace practical solutions to your problems.
Why don't you just contact the local authority since they will view you guys as emergency and provide suitable accommodation as a matter of urgency

Under no circumstances should you go via the fraudulent route

Do you live in the capital?

jaybee3:
Do you live in the capital?

I live in london

Mamaof2:


I live in london

Have you considered going to your LA?

What exactly is the issue here though (please pardon my ignorance), saving your marriage or practical solutions to your current financial/housing predicament?

In desperate times, we look on to the hills from where our help comes from. To man, this is sufficient reasons to go separate ways, but to God, he makes ways.
Don't do anything fraudulent and for now concentrate on yr kid,yr pregnancy and job. Please don't do anything he urges u to as he is in no frame of mind to suggest anything sane.
My advise is to go on yr knees and pray, and let God take charge . he always has the best answers and works in strange ways ....all to our benefit

jaybee3:


Have you considered going to your LA?

What exactly is the issue here though (please pardon my ignorance), saving your marriage or practical solutions to your current financial/housing predicament?

My LA are unable to help me at the moment, as I would classed as being intentionally homeless due to the eviction. I will be staying with my mother until I am able to find my feet. My LA will be able to help me as long as I can prove I have been staying at my mothers place for a few months. I am also expecting baby number 2 so it's the most practical Plan for now.

There's no issue, i just wanted reassurance that I am planning on doing the right thing, which is to separate.
Sometimes when you have been accepting things for a long time, You tend to forget what is normal/acceptable. I keep questioning myself, asking if I'm overreacting etc.
But it's not normal and I need to accept that....

It's nice to know I am on the same page with most posters here.

Mamaof2:



My LA are unable to help me at the moment, as I would classed as being intentionally homeless due to the eviction. I will be staying with my mother until I am able to find my feet. My LA will be able to help me as long as I can prove I have been staying at my mothers place for a few months. I am also expecting baby number 2 so it's the most practical Plan for now.

There's no issue, i just wanted reassurance that I am planning on doing the right thing, which is to separate.
Sometimes when you have been accepting things for a long time, You tend to forget what is normal/acceptable. I keep questioning myself, asking if I'm overreacting etc.
But it's not normal and I need to accept that....

It's nice to know I am on the same page with most posters here.

You are definitely going about it the right way. It's ultimately going to be your cross at the end of the day so it's comforting to know you've assessed your situation and arrived at the evidence based judgement that you deserve better.

It's usually very difficult with those comfortable making a living by scamming other people to turn their lives around. It's a values thing and them kinda people don't change values mid way through their lives

The man is a fraud and has refused to listen to every voice of reason.
I wonder why you have not reported him to the authority. His place is behind bars as he is bent on making others cry. As a Christian, not exposing him to appropriate authority is the same as aiding and abetting in his crime.

I don't think there is anything you gain from him as he practically does nothing.

What to do?

Report his attrocities to save others from being defrauded by him.
Move on with your life by mapping out strategy to be out of debt. Once you finish paying up your debt, move out of your mum's place and get on with your life.

The man has nothing to offer you but woes and curses. The spirits of the people he defrauded will never pray for him and I fear for those who benefits directly or indirectly from the proceeds of the blood money.

Forget about thiS man! U wld not get ur life in order with him around. He is not the type to change. Forgetting him would be as hard as keeping him but forgetting him is the better option.