I live in the UK with my husband, we re only one year married and ve  a three months old baby, my husbandve changed from who i know him to be.pleas read the following well to understand what i mean,

on the 15th of feb,he rang me from work nd told me bout his work colleaugue in their same institute that told him their was a meeting so he just decided to go since hes never attended anyone before and the venue was not far  to see how things go there by 6pm nd that he would only stay for a while and come home.he came home after work,ate ,stayed until 6pm and left and told me the meeting was 6 to 8pm.i was with him when he dressed up.at about half 8,he text me that he ll be home by 9 but never came home until 10pm.i rang him around half 9 but no response.on his way back ,he called me.when he got home ,he was smelling of so much cigarrette and he doesnt smoke and takes only very little alchohol  .he told me that a new member was given a higher educational title so he hosted a party for everyone which started after the meeting, 8pm,that people even came wth their wives that we wouldve gone together if not for baby. told me he drank alchohol and was dizzy so decided to stay back to get his head cleared up before driving home.I noticed that :
1. he wasnt wearin his weddingring any longer.i asked him where it was nd he said he doesnt know that it may ve fallen off when he washed his hands after he had a wee in the toilet there that it happen to him sometimes or that it may ve fallen off in the car.he has never for once come back hom without his ring on his finger

2.he wore two t shirts out only for me to discover when he removed  his jacket to ve a shower that the one he wore inside was now the one on top with the back  instead of the normal way to wear a clothe.he brushd his teeth,washed off babys clothe and rushed into the shower that he didnt like the smell of the cigarrette,i was wondering where he was actually coming from until the next day.the next morning he told me that i should go get the contraceptive  from hospital so that we could resume sex that day that we ve been thru a lot lately. when he went to work and i saw on his jacket strands of female hair,brown powder on the collar and on the first button of his shirt.i stated to cry.he came back and i saw his ring on his finger,asked him nd he said he found it in the car.he tried to chat with me as usual andnoticed my mood change and asked me why i didnt welcome him welll nd what was wrong with me nd i told him nothing nd the n the next morning he said we had sometin to dicuss.the weekend was our one year anniversary sat me down nd told me that he has notbeen happy in themarriage which i ve never perceived nd he hasnt shown or told me.his points were that i am always negative,and that negative people around him weighs him down,that i dont know my roles as a wife ,that i ve never called him and talked to him as my husband,that i dont carry out my chores happily,that i am behaving like someone whos caged but that am free to do whatever i like and thhat he s telling me these cos he wants a way forward from me on them and would like to hear what i ll say on them.so i told him that he does nt understand me sometimes so that i just keep things to myself nd he got angry,flared up nd asked me whyi would judge him like that nd that as for his ring,he ll never wear it till further notice that its only a piece of metal  nd that as for trust that he ll neverr tell me anythin bout it again butbut action, ,that if he had seen those thhhhhings b4 the marriage that he wouldnt ve gone into it,that am not a happy person,he said a couple of things.i cried and told him i was sorry nd didnt know he was nt happy nd then the next morning,he told me that been with hhim nd just smiling is more important to him than those chores nd that i should find a way to communicate with himthat the marriage will be over soon if i dont comm.well.we moved houses nd after somedays he called me nd told me hes noticed good changes nd that hes thankful to od for them

when his phone bill for the moth came in,i discovered that who he was with on the fifteenth was a work colleague not the same branch but same team.and other days that he called nd text her .i was devastated.i als found out that she calls him with private number all the time,my husband sends her message nd deletes it,calls her occassionally nd deletes it.she calls my hus almost everyday.right now am seeing other signs to show hes really cheating on me with her.now we ve a new neigbour that works at the ladys branch and told her my worries andd she said she ll watch out for me nd gave me her number, i ve just confided in her.pls what do i do.i ve not asked him anything since then,hes exhibiting signs of infidelity unconsciously but doesnt know i notice them,please help me restore my marriage.concrete advices needed pls.i ll stop here for now

chaircover,thanks for ur advice, i can tell you its not an innocent affair just that i dont ve enough things yet to prove it to him, i need proof or else he ll denie it and the ball will roll back to me begging him for accusing him.the whole thing is making me sick, some of his clothes smell of the same perfume which is not at all his, i saw some marks on his body nd asked him what they re and he told me that its when hes handled roughly cos hes fair, i pretended not to hear it cos am still looking for evidences, our sex life is not as good as it was.he personally told me he likes sex when we met, now he could hardly stay 15 mins and can oly go once whereas he could stay as long as 1,2, 3 hrs when we met, with his kind of person ,i need proofs.i ve not confronted him on the cheating thing at all, i ve been praying but am loosing it too

U need to catch him and fast before he starts infecting u with diseases if its so.
wishing u the best.

Chaircover is right, you shouldn't ask the neigbour to spy on your husband because you can never entirely tell where her allegiance lies. But having said that, besides the usual prayer, I think you should work on yourself. what kind of person are you? what kind of wife are you to your husband? what kind of friend are you to him? we cant entirely predict other human beings, but you can sure predict yourself. like a friend once said, be the best you can be so that when the man goes out and then comes home to you, he'd realise that what he's out there looking for is not nearly as good as what he has.

if you don't have concrete proof, please don't confront him. instead, try to work on yourself. if he doesnt change, then we'd be talking a different story entirely,

all the best

@ Poster,

I suggest you get solid evidence to back up your claims about your husband's infidelity. In the mean time, be the best wife you can ever be. Smile at him always, don't ever give him any reason to suspect that you are looking for any clues. Go out of your way to please him but have it in mind what you  are doing. Be his best friend and try to do things the way you know he will appreciate them done.


I do not support your asking your new neighbour to spy on your husband's "girlfriend". What if the two ladies are close friends? You'll only get betrayed in the end, and feel hurt even more.

yeah i think i now regret telling the neigbour.i only told her yesterday.should i tell her to forget it that i ve resolved with him?what do i tell now?i didnt really give her deatails but i told her i didnt know who is after who that is my hus and the lady.and she asked me if my hus told the lady bout me and i told her that i dont know.so she said she ll keep an eye that i should call her today.should i tell her not to worry.i ve not called her today though.

@poster

What do you plan to do if your doubts are confirmed? Would you walk out of the marriage or confront him about it? (Confronting could result him walking out on you because he has already warned you tht the marriage is in trouble. He might just use this as an excuse to walk out on you. To top things he could be all the more furious if he gets to know that you have entrusted your neighbour to spy on them)
I'm sure you are not thinking about the consequences if you were to confirm these doubts.  Either way, you are the one going to be hurt. Incase you plan to carry on pretending not to know anything, you would end up feeling cheated deep inside and you will never be able to trust him for the rest of your life. If you plan to walk out on him, you could still be nursing a broken hurt for a long long time. I'm sure if something was going on between them and your husband was serious about it, things would soon come out in the open rather than you running behind them. If it is just a fling, it would probably fade away just the way it started. Just be patient and pray hard.

thank u very much,i dont intend leaving him but confronting him, i only pray the neigbour doesnt betray me cos it will be hell if he finds out cos he knows her too.am praying hard bout it and waiting for a proof, i can only keep pretending until i ve evidence to confront him.i ll not call the neigbour again.

@ poster,

i think you should calmly tell him that he's not the same person u knew and tell him exactly what you've wrote that you both don't have initimacy like before and joking just say hope he's not sleeping with some else ohhh.
You also states that he smells or other perfume,why don't u gently point all this cases when he works through the door,most time things you say jokingly gets a reaction and you would get your response by that.
Stop searching for what is not lost,u must be really bored to be searching his things.
I must admit he ants the relationship to work which he why he sat u down to list things he noticed with you.The was ur opportunity to tell him calming what you notice but you panic,
Anyway all is not lost
regardless from what you said he list
you sound quite negative and from what you wrote i did write a lot of negative things
look at the positive side and even if he's cheating with another girl is the girl who is losing not you as she shagging a man she can never have but yuou have to be the best there is for him.


You haven't actually got any problems in this marriage,you're the one looking for something that isn#t missing.

When you marry a lot of things changes especially sex.

You become more of friends and companion.


Stop discussing you troubles with anbody,am sure you got a best friend that you can confide in instead of neighbours as u don't even know if she's the person your husband is shagging.
Just remove face jare and leave him to his deeds even if he was becos if he knows u know,u talking to him is either of these 2

He would try to hide it though he would still do
or
he would do it more and just say you already know.


Men like to feel that they are very intelligent,just play dumb with him and do things with him that make you happy.
.
I know london is boring as i live there.


Peace be on you

i cant crack such joke with him, he reads meaning into everything and takes it up as an issue.for example when i discovered that he watches porn online secretely,i couldnt bear it nd told him very calmly that am not happy and feel betrayed bout it, we didnt ve a chat for bout five days cos of what i told him, our baby was the only thing that made him to talk me at all, he accused me of disrespect and told me how dare a woman he married wit his own money talk to him to stop watching porn cos he told me never to watch such thing that it ll affect our sex life.that its cos he told me that thhats why i had the guts to walk up to him nd tell him not to watch it too, i had to start apologizing to him for this incident.he accused me of not been appreciative of the things he does whereas i started my speech with thanking him for the things he s been doing.also accused me of snooping on what he does online whereas we use the same computer.the next thing i noticed was that he started deleting internet history permanently.

I believe you should concentrate more on the baby and search yourself peradventure you've done him wrong. If not, sit him down and talk sense into him. If that doesn't work, call elders, Pastor/Spiritual head to solve your issue. This is UK, if he refuses to change, threaten him with 'removal/get out of the house notice'. Don't threaten him if you're renting o, only do this if you're on mortgage or have bought the house out-rightly.

Nuff said

pinkielove:

i cant crack such joke with him, he reads meaning into everything and takes it up as an issue.for example when i discovered that he watches indecency online secretely,i couldnt bear it nd told him very calmly that am not happy and feel betrayed bout it, we didnt ve a chat for bout five days cos of what i told him, our baby was the only thing that made him to talk me at all, he accused me of disrespect and told me how dare a woman he married wit his own money talk to him to stop watching indecency cos he told me never to watch such thing that it ll affect our intimacy life.that its cos he told me that thhats why i had the guts to walk up to him nd tell him not to watch it too, i had to start apologizing to him for this incident.he accused me of not been appreciative of the things he does whereas i started my speech with thanking him for the things he s been doing.also accused me of snooping on what he does online whereas we use the same computer.the next thing i noticed was that he started deleting internet history permanently.

that is too much now.

why do you apologise for everything even though u're right.
There are some times that it sound too desperate and allows him to do whatever he wants to do.
Say whatever you want to say jokingly and throw away you face like you haven't said anything.
If he starts shouting show ignorance like you didn't even know it was that serious and say that you were only joking and talk to him like usual.
If he does't talk back,just tell him that regarding that joke he took it seriously and regarding the porn,tell him that when next he's watching you will join ohh and it would spice up ur relationship,abi u're watching it together not sepeartely.

u're a slave in this marriage. What misery you must endure living with such a man. Didnt you notice this before you married him?

how long did u know ur husband before u married him ,you sound like you are scared of him,it almost comes across like a father and daughter relationship.is he much older than you?

ubiaa5:

how long did u know your husband before u married him ,you sound like you are scared of him,it almost comes across like a father and daughter relationship.is he much older than you?

it sounds much worse. More like master-housegirl relationship.

Na so ring dey fall commot for hand? Maybe i'm in the wrong job as a busybody and should upgrade myself and look for jobs as a janitor then.

Sorry for digressing biko. Right, If you are really keen on saving your marriage, you can't sit by and fold your hands and do nothing and then be waiting hands and foot on him every month to be giving you a monthly appraisal on how well you are performing and improving in your wifely role, arrant nonsense.

Initially, he felt guilty for what he was about to do, hence the reason he was jittery about calling you about this work do because he doesn't come across as a serial cheater or liar, but because you are always quick to beg him, the table has turned and he has started indirectly blaming you for pushing him into the arms of someone else.

And this is where you need to be careful - for him to confess he is not happy in the marriage to you, for him to tell you he regrets your marriage, for him to start taking off his ring whenever he is going to see his mistress, for him to boldfacely tell you he is not wearing his ring which is just a piece of metal till further notice, etc, means he is nearly slipping away and you are about to lose him to the other lady, hence reason you have to be proactive if you still wanna save this marriage.

He is not having a one off affair but a full blown one, he doesn't wear his ring when he is with this other lady because he has either lied to her that he is not married or he is no longer married, meaning that he has started sleeping with this lady without condoms meaning that he is either going to potentially give you STD or get her pregnant.

Your only crime was neglecting your husband and freezing him out BECAUSE YOU JUST HAD A BABY, so don't let him walk all over you like you have committed the crime of the century and stop being scared of him and stand up to his lying and cheating ar'se.

You have the lady's number and that is enough proof for you right there. Confront him with this number and don't let him bullshit you about how went about getting the number behind his back, put your foot down for once and let him know he has been caught redhanded. You could even tell him someone has been calling you from that number. . .

If he has any conscience, he will feel remorseful and apologise.

pinkielove:

I live in the UK with my husband, we re only one year married and ve a three months old baby, my husbandve changed from who i know him to be.pleas read the following well to understand what i mean,

on the 15th of feb,he rang me from work nd told me bout his work colleaugue in their same institute that told him their was a meeting so he just decided to go since hes never attended anyone before and the venue was not far to see how things go there by 6pm nd that he would only stay for a while and come home.he came home after work,ate ,stayed until 6pm and left and told me the meeting was 6 to 8pm.i was with him when he dressed up.at about half 8,he text me that he ll be home by 9 but never came home until 10pm.i rang him around half 9 but no response.on his way back ,he called me.when he got home ,he was smelling of so much cigarrette and he doesnt smoke and takes only very little alchohol .he told me that a new member was given a higher educational title so he hosted a party for everyone which started after the meeting, 8pm,that people even came wth their wives that we wouldve gone together if not for baby. told me he drank alchohol and was dizzy so decided to stay back to get his head cleared up before driving home.I noticed that :
1. he wasnt wearin his weddingring any longer.i asked him where it was nd he said he doesnt know that it may ve fallen off when he washed his hands after he had a wee in the toilet there that it happen to him sometimes or that it may ve fallen off in the car.he has never for once come back hom without his ring on his finger

2.he wore two t shirts out only for me to discover when he removed his jacket to ve a shower that[b] the one he wore inside was now the one on top with the back instead of the normal way to wear a clothe[/b].he brushd his teeth,washed off babys clothe and rushed into the shower that he didnt like the smell of the cigarrette,i was wondering where he was actually coming from until the next day.the next morning he told me that i should go get the contraceptive from hospital so that we could resume intimacy that day that we ve been thru a lot lately. when he went to work and i saw on his jacket strands of female hair,brown powder on the collar and on the first button of his shirt.i stated to cry.he came back and i saw his ring on his finger,asked him nd he said he found it in the car.he tried to chat with me as usual andnoticed my mood change and asked me why i didnt welcome him welll nd what was wrong with me nd i told him nothing nd the n the next morning he said we had sometin to dicuss.the weekend was our one year anniversary sat me down nd told me that he has notbeen happy in themarriage which i ve never perceived nd he hasnt shown or told me.his points were that i am always negative,and that negative people around him weighs him down,that i dont know my roles as a wife ,that i ve never called him and talked to him as my husband,that i dont carry out my chores happily,that i am behaving like someone whos caged but that am free to do whatever i like and thhat he s telling me these cos he wants a way forward from me on them and would like to hear what i ll say on them.so i told him that he does nt understand me sometimes so that i just keep things to myself nd he got angry,flared up nd asked me whyi would judge him like that nd that as for his ring,he ll never wear it till further notice that its only a piece of metal nd that as for trust that he ll neverr tell me anythin bout it again butbut action, ,that if he had seen those thhhhhings b4 the marriage that he wouldnt ve gone into it,that am not a happy person,he said a couple of things.i cried and told him i was sorry nd didnt know he was nt happy nd then the next morning,he told me that been with hhim nd just smiling is more important to him than those chores nd that i should find a way to communicate with himthat the marriage will be over soon if i dont comm.well.we moved houses nd after somedays he called me nd told me hes noticed good changes nd that hes thankful to od for them

when his phone bill for the moth came in,i discovered that who he was with on the fifteenth was a work colleague not the same branch but same team.and other days that he called nd text her .i was devastated.i als found out that she calls him with private number all the time,my husband sends her message nd deletes it,calls her occassionally nd deletes it.she calls my hus almost everyday.right now am seeing other signs to show hes really cheating on me with her.now we ve a new neigbour that works at the ladys branch and told her my worries andd she said she ll watch out for me nd gave me her number, i ve just confided in her.pls what do i do.i ve not asked him anything since then,hes exhibiting signs of infidelity unconsciously but doesnt know i notice them,please help me restore my marriage.concrete advices needed pls.i ll stop here for now

All these highlighted areas by themselves do not spell infidelity but when put together all in one night or one outing is almost sure fire proof of him straying.
Oh, He tried to turn around and blame you? Cute! Then you apologized? Why?
You also mentioned , in another post that you dont intend leaving him but just confronting him?
Honey why expend so much energy trying to dig stuff up when you'll do nothing or take no decisive action? Like a zillion women before you why not just sit there and do nothing. After all it is the ill luck of womankind. You might as well. (Yeah i'm being sarcastic!) The reason they do what they do is because they know you are not going anywhere and boy are they right!!!! Sit there. Like we say in Nigeria just sit there while goats eat the palm fronds from your chieftaincy cap. Where is your dignity?

@ Poster
From your post, i deduced that you are an introvert- quiet and shy and not the fun loving kind of person your husband would have liked hence his complaining about you not being happy etc.

But i also believe that he probably is cheating on you and is pointing all that out because he is trying to convince not you but himself on why he's justified to cheat on you.

Since you don't have proof you can't confront him but you need to sit him down and have a heart to heart talk.

Tell him you are willing to work on all your flaws and he needs to encourage you. Then you work on  being more of an outgoing person. Go out to occasions with him,arrange for vacations and be more playful in the house.

About intimacy are you usually passive or frigid? You may need to change that. Let him know that there is nothing he's looking for outside that he can't get at home.

Also are you working cos with the talk of chores i don't think you do and thats why he doesn't respect you enough-he is dating his female colleague- a working class lady. So you may need to do that. That way he won't be expecting you to fall at his feet and kiss it when he gets back from work.

Goodluck dear as you work on your marraige and do NOT spy on him.

@ Poster,

What is the age difference between yourself and your hubby? I sense the gap might be so wide hence the rapport.

Also, do you contribute financially to the upkeep of the house, etc? Do you work? If not, that may be a reason why he takes it out on you.

I need your response!

hes 39 and am 27 both nigerians.i married him cos of love.i dont work, he registered me as selfemployed so that i can do ebay online businness from home which we re yet to start.i came over immediatly after our wedding last year. i am an introvert and a peaceful person and he knows i dont like trouble.cos i dont dance around always as extroverts do,he misunderstands that for not being happy which i deduced from what he told me on the day of our anniversary.no one gives him advice on what to do.he takes his decisions.hes not rigid .as for his ring he started wearing it again after somedays but leaves it occasionaly since then, it makes no meaning to me if hes cheating.the lady should know hes married cos she actually saw her name among others names on the card which their team gave to our family congratulating us on the arrival of baby.i think he removes it out of guilt.i dont know, i ve decided to work on his complaints even though he knows his reason for that.

when we had the discussion we had on our anniversary day,he told me that he wouldnt be talking to me bout things he didnnt like if the marriage was not important to him but that theres a limit he can go, that he cannot be unhappy in his own house.initially when he got angry,he told me that the day he ll ask me to leave his house,it ll no longer be based on feelings but pratical and i should be very sure he ll tell me anyday hes no longer in love with me.even when i tell him my worries camly just like the indecency thing.it doesnt really work.how else is the best way to communicate if not calmly without fight.i ve never exchanged words with him at all or talked to him sarcastically.it hurts so much when i look at him and knows hes cheating on me nd i m tempted to hate him but i pull myself off that zone.he used to share things with me when we met but he doesnt anymore.when i asked him,he said am not a trusting person and that sharing comes with trust.each time i want to come out of my comfort zone to please him.approach him for lovemaking ,show love nd care,i withdraw cos am afraid of contacting disease even though we still make love.i just pray to God to protect me cos i dont know if hes protected with the other person
.

my dear fellow woman, i am not really surprised with ur narrations. There is no need beating abt d bush. Ur husband is having an affair! One thing u shld know however is that God does not like divorce. I buy wt Tdjoke has advised. And it looks as if ur husband is a very proud man. So you need a lot of wisom in following him. Pray to God about all this nd he will direct u.

@ Poster,

I guess the age disparity ( a decade and 2 years) is one factor that is contributing to the rift you are having. Also, your introverted nature doesn't help in issues like this. Never-the-less, your marriage can still work and will if you work at it. All be it, he saw you the way you were before he married you. You need to go out of your way to be the type of a person he will like you to be. If he needs you to be more expressive then show it. Speak out your feelings in a polite and friendly manner, don't just bottle up and be non-nonchalant about things only for you to get yourself worried and worked up about him having an affair at work.

You also need to get busy doing something. Most men love and appreciate a working woman more than one who just sits at home. I understand you have a baby, you could arrange to put your baby in a daycare while you go and work somewhere. At the end of the day, when you both come home, you will have lots of things to talk about most especially on how your day at work went and the things that happened there, the people, etc. Right now I know the only thought that may preoccupy your mind whenever he is going to work is that "he is going to see his girl again" and "he has seen the girl" (after he is back from work).

Get to know some things about the girl, and why your husband likes her. It could be that she is an expressive person, caring, complains less and all that. You could get a neutral person who also happens to be your husbands colleague (not your neighbour o) to tell u more about the lady. When you have ampule information, try to see how you can adjust your ways into something similar. I am not saying you should be who you are not but please for the sake of your marriage and your daughter, try and do things differently.

i ve the book power of a praying wife and i ve been reading and saying prayers from it.personally i want to work ,i never bargained for a house wife. when i came over here,he said that the money being paid to nurseries and childminders is expensive eg.32pounds every day.i dont know if its true, so that theres no point working and having them consume all the salary and that he wouldnt really like another person raising up his child,. he just doesnt want me to work, he wants to me to operate ebay online business sales from home which is yet to start and thats the reason why i ve not talked bout the job thing even though it desn make much difference to m cos its still staying at home, he feels nd takes it that hes doing me great by my not goin out there to also juggle for money to contribute to the home like others do, he tells me to be creative and constructive at home.he knew i am an introvert right from time but always expect me to work on my nature , occassionally when we had issues he told me i am incapable of lifting his mood up when hes down which was even before we got married and that unless he lightens up the mood in the house,it remains cold. i am working on my self gradually even though its not that easy.do i talk to him bout a job even with the business plan he has ?i also welcome ideas on how i can improve on my personality

Whenever a man starts naggin unusually,there is high tendency he's cheatg or about doing dat. My mum sufferd dis fate for yrs but finally won.U must win if u dnt use confrntatns,alwys choose ur words cos currently u irritate hm. , plan to catch him redhanded w/out misfiring and wen u do,dnt tonguelash.PRAY HARD.I bet u d thief(mistress) outsid wil fall.

@ Pinkielove,

I recommend this book - The seven habits of highly effective people by Stephen F. Covey it will help you a lot in your personal development.

All the very best!

I don't advocate divorce, but if you are married to someone who does not bring out the best in you, towards whom you have unpure thoughts, or are starting to develop unpure thoughts, then believe me, its better to get out than to stay because 'God doesn't like divorce'.
i think you are at a point where you HAVE to ask him whats up. If he's not in love with you anymore, then I don't know if punishing yourself by trying to please him all the time will help you. the only way you can know is to ask. you don't need to quarrel about it. but before you ask, make sure you are strong enough to take whatever answer comes out of his mouth. that means you need to get a job or start the ebay business or whatever it is that will bring you confidence and independence.

marriage is meant to be two people helping eachother achieve their goals, both individual and joint goals, its not a do or die affair (haba, even PDP people dont seem that bad). like i said earlier, try to work on yourself be the best you can be, and if the brother still wants to be with the other lady, then please let her keep him. what are you doing with someone that doesnt want to be with you anyway