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My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post - Family - Nairaland

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My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by betafuture: 9:09pm On Nov 25, 2017
I am very sorry, it seems like anytime I post on Nairaland is actually the time I have great challenges in my life, however, my posts also reflect the chronicle of my life. You may wish to check out my last posting about how I was sacked in the Bank with a debt that was guaranteed by a junior staff, whose job was threatened by the loan I obtained and she guaranteed for me. please find the link https://www.nairaland.com/2282140/loan-incured-before-termination-appointment Like I mentioned in that post, I got a job as with a Rep member and he appointed me as the Special assistant on a salary of 80k monthly and my boss paid my rent, of which I engage with my lender to take 50k with me monthly and right off the excess interest and stop disturbing the junior colleague, an arrangement they agreed to and everybody was fine, save that I had to struggle to cope with 30k monthly as a family man, working in Abuja. My wife never complained. I just gave her 25k from the salary, once received, to buy food for the family why I tried to manage with the remaining 5k. It was tough! Luckily, a junior lady cousin who works in a bank was posted to Abuja and we had to accommodate her. She was very kind and understood my plight. Sometimes, she drops up to 50k for my wife to augment the house expenses. She would tell me and sometimes, I would take additional 10k to ad to my pocket money.

The home was running, my son, my wife and my cousin, including myself were very happy. As a banker, I had learned the skill of marketing and networking and negotiation. In the course of my sojourn in the national assembly I met a head of a parastatal wjo needed me to do some strategic alliance between his organization and my boss. We later became great friends, and i realized I could access a scholarship to study in the UK through him. To cut the story short, I pursued this opportunity to the latter and I got a Federal government scholarship to pursue a Masters degree in the UK. I saw this as an opportunity to rewrite the story of my life. Two months in the UK, I began to look for means to bring my wife and son to join me in the UK. While I was in UK, I made it a point of duty to send 150k to my wife in Nigeria on monthly basis (Remember I was on scholarship) and I also do student work in the UK. Because we did not sell our car during the crisis, I also gave the custody of the car to her.

FIRST SUSPICION

When she was about coming to the UK with my 7 years old son, we decided to give out some of our home appliances and sell most of them including the car. Since I was not in Nigeria, she was to manage the transactions. Because I opened her e-mail address, i do see her mails, so i could see the alert on her GTB. The first thing that prompted me was that the amount she received for the sales of our car was 100k higher than what she declared to me. (The fund was meant to buy the flight tickets for her and my son). There were other expense transactions that were over declared, but the actual amount debited to her account were quite low. I did not confront her on these issues until she arrived UK with my son. When I did, I could see the way she manipulatively and professionally lied her way out of the whole issue. I did not pick an offense, hence i made her to understand that I was never convinced. Since then my instinct told me that if she could lie to me so much on finance, maybe there are other things going on in her life that I never known. However, I opened her Facebook account for her years ago in Nigeria, but I never bothered to check it. Out of curiosity, I tried login into her Facebook account and I discovered she has changed the password. My first reaction was to check it, but had I done that, she would have been conscious, then I used my skill as an trained IT security expert to crack her password and then access her Facebook. I ran through all her messenger message and everything was fine. Apart from a certain guy who always beg her for assistance and prayer, there was nothing really suspicious about her messanger and then, we continued with our normal life.

After a week in UK, she started to work as a carer (her visa permitted her to work fully), and she began to make money. I know how much enters her account and we decide how to spend. My son also start schooling and life began to have meaning again. I finished my masters with a distinction and the best graduating student in my department and my University offered me automatic admission for PhD, with part scholarship.l To remain, we needed to source funds to show evidence that my family can stay with me in the UK and show evidence of the balance of school fees. We sourced for money everywhere. She brought all she had and we had to borrow both from UK and Nigeria. My boss was very supportive and I commenced the PhD this September. As a family, we have a problem. My son is now 8 years and we have been trying to make another baby but it does not seem to be forthcoming. We have been to hospitals in the UK, we were both tested and once told my sperm motility was low, treated, but later we were considered both ok.

Since her arrival in the UK, I noticed that my wife suddenly repel sexxx. Sometimes, we had sexxxx just once in a month, she would find a way of brushing away by advances. At a level, i had to ask if there was any problem, but she said it was because of the new environment, her jobs and what have you. This further told me that all was not well in my marriage. She knows I love her and I would do anything for her. While we were yet trying to pay my tuition, her mum got a US visa and all the children were making contributions for her journey, I had to take from my school fees and send to Nigeria and manage my school to give us more time. I tried to ensure that we continually live like one happy family.

Do not let me sound like one perfect good guy. I had also lived a rough bad life in the past and she is aware. During my days in the bank, I had been sexually reckless and irresponsible. There was a time I left office to a gal house, fckked her and I never knew that the condom we used was stick to my shoe. I drove with it home, entered home very late at night, my wife was already angrily waiting for me in the house, only to see a used condom with sperm inside attached to the soul of my shoe. It was an issue that we had to battle with for weeks, even though I never confess it was from, I told a story that it must have got gummed to me at the mechanic village where I had gone to pick my car in the evening (She was aware that someone has accused my mechanic of having sexxx in his car, leaving condom at the back seat). after few weeks, we resolved the issue and we continued leaving normal life. However, there was also a time I suspected her activities on Facebook and I realised a guy whom she has known in the past has been pestering her and she seems to be encouraging him (That was during our period of financial crisis). I had confronted her, she had denied they never had anything but the guy was just pestering her. I apologised and went sober. I called the guy (who was also married) and lived in another faraway city. The guy denied having anything to do with her that she just knew her while growing up. The guy originally blasted me, but later called back and apologized and promised never to disturb her again. I was hurting for months, after which I forgave, forgot and moved on. Let me also state that during the period of my financial crisis, I made a covenant with God, after listening to a message, that whatever the case maybe, I will remain faithful to my wife. This I have manage to keep despite advances from both married and single friends and acquaintances.

THE REAL ISSUE

Now, we are living in the UK and very happy, she is working full-time, while I pursue my PhD full-time, work part-time and my son schools full-time and we were all happy, save the issue of delayed pregnancy and (to me, the poor sex life from her). Let me also state that I bought her a Samsung phone (when she arrived last year), which I have full access to because I know her password. Few months ago, she told me she wanted a bigger phone that she would send the one I bought her to my younger brother in Nigeria who had been disturbing her for a phone. Even though, I thought we did not need to spend money on a new phone at that crucial time because of the looming school expenses, I consented just for her to be happy and she got herself a Samsung galaxy s8 plus for 700pounds, which she would repay of 2 years. The first thing that prompted me about the phone was that she changed her password, but I never mind because I thought she was preventing my son, who always loved to play game on her phone from accessing the phone. However, after few weeks, I began to feel very uncomfortable about the whole stuff. My instinct just told me all was not well. Whatever was it, I could not place my finger on it. But after reviewing my work with my supervisor in the University yesterday, I just felt like going home to rest, instead of studying in the school and then, I met wife in the house with my son. She was trying to order some items online for my son for Christmas and on arrival, she gave her phone to select what we should buy for him, and then, the FB message came into her phone and I could read...'it is not what you think, I have been very busy'

I selected the item I thought was ok, gave returned her phone, picked my laptop and logged in to her Facebook. My wife pretended she was enganging me in discussion, but was responding to the message from a guy, who obviously was her lover and she wrote (I was reading from my computer without her knowledge) 'You know I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU'. and the other guy responded 'I love you more baby' (By this time, I was already burning on the seat, but I somehow managed to keep my calm). She wrote 'But you don't call me' ...and she stood up and went to the kitchen (I wanted to gather enough evidence before I reacted), but immediately she got to the kitchen, she deleted the conversation. At this time, I could not take it. My son was in the sitting room, watching cartoon. I went to her in the kitchen and aggressively confronted her. She originally pretended she did not know what I was saying, but when she say the aggression and seriousness in me she started begging and crying. I lost control of my emotion. I was angry and shouting. My son was there. He was too young, but very intelligent. he understood everything and began to blame his mum, at the same time asking me ti give mum a second chance. I was bitterly hurting. I felt like tearing her into pieces, but if I tried that in UK, it will be straight to jail. She could not state the reason behind her action. She was still trying to lie. She said the guy was her ex and they recently became friends on Facebook and the guy is trying to rekindle the old relationship. The guy is based in Nigeria, they do not even see. Everything she said was incoherently sense. All she wanted was that I should forgive her. I should not tell anybody. She cried, wept and what have you. I was hurting. If it were to by Nigeria, she would have left my house yesetrday, but in UK, it is difficult. The love turned to hatred. She managed to convince me to enter room with her, so that she will discuss the issue with me, without getting our son involved. In the room, it was the same crying and plea for forgiveness and a promise it would never happen again. I told her i was ok, but she would not let me out. I had to angrily shove her away from the door and she hit her head against the wardrobe. i was too angry, too sad, and too hateful to care. i called her all manners of unprintable names. I cursed her, I was just too angry. She kept begging. I left for the sitting room and she came back, knelt down before me and kept begging. My son was crying that two of us were making him sad. The young boy even threatened to tell his teacher in the school on monday. I was too angry to listen. I just told her to let me be. She stood up with tears in her eyes to enter the toilet, I checked her Facebook account again and realised that the lover had sent another message thus: "My dear I don't call you always to protect your home, but I always check your pictures every night before I go to bed" As I was reading, she stupidly deleted that again in the toilet. (Please note that my wife always post our family pictures on facebook, stating how I am the best husband in the world).

My anger erupted again and I rushed to meet her in the bathroom and asked her why she deleted the last message of the guy and she tearfully answered that she did not want me to see anything that could aggravate my anger the more. I angrily snatched the phone from her and smashed it on the floor. She knelt down at my feet and continued to cry and beg for forgiveness, but I was hurting so badly. I left for sitting room again and my son was confusedly crying. She came back and knelt before me and continued begging and weeping and begged we should go back to the room to discuss, at least to protect our son. After a while, i followed her. There was nothing to say; the same weeping, crying and promises to not do it again and swearing that they never had anything together. I told her I needed to talk to the guy and she pleaded I should not. I told her she is giving me an impression that she is protecting the guy so that she could continue her illicit affairs with him and told her it would not work. The can change tactics, but its is only a matter of time. I told her, I would forgive her, but I cannot trust her again and when there is no trust in marriage, the marriage is gone. I also told her I must engage that guy that she should give me his number, but she said her phone is no longer working. I made her feel comfortable that I have forgiven her, but honestly I am hurting. I went back to my laptop, continued chat with the guy on her messenger, but he was now online. We both slept on the same bed, i realised she could not sleep. In the middle of the night she woke me up to beg again, she was offering a make-up sexxx, but I was not interested. I told her i had forgiven her, but I am still hurting and there is no way i could have erection with her. In the morning, I checked her messanger, i discovered the iddiot has responded, still claiming to love her. I checked his profile, I realised he is a muslim, who has a wife with two kids. His location was not shown, but most of his pics her in Nigeria apart from two which have foreign background. I also realize he has limited posts on FB, but the phone number on his FB page is US phone number.

From my wife's FB account, I sent a message thus:

Hi, Mr Farouq, my name is Adams, I am Grace husband
I just wish to inform you that all the rubbish you have been doing with my wife are now exposed to me
I advise you in the name of whatever thing you believe, STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.

I also realize you are a married man. If you have any moral integrity and respect for family values, you will know that
responsible men do not run after married women or break homes.

I do not care whatever you claim you think of her, just heed this warning STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.

He read it an never respond. I went to her facebook setting and unfriended him.

I left home in the morning to go study in the library, but honestly, I could not assimilate anything. I am so emotionally broken down, so psychologically disturbed. The whole event kept playing in my head. I found it difficult to rationalise it. I continued to find fault in my being and my personality. I know I am very attractive handsome young man. Despite showing I am married, ladies still flock around me. I am also a passionate lovemaker. I dress well and look neat. I don't seem to understand where I have failed. Sometimes I just close my eyes and i feel tears dripping, but I have got to be strong. As for her, she has remained in the room since morning, hiding her head in shame and crying profusely. I have cut off communication with her since I came back from school and I have enganged myself in drinking spirit maybe my spirit will be strenghtened.

This is my story, this is my ordeal. Please I need advice.

Thanks.

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Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by forreelinc(m): 9:14pm On Nov 25, 2017
you sef cheat your own too na #NoTime

87 Likes 8 Shares

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by DOUBLEWAHALA: 9:23pm On Nov 25, 2017
I will appreciate anybody with a summary

209 Likes 5 Shares

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by IAMSASHY(f): 9:24pm On Nov 25, 2017
grin al d pple above commented based on d topic alone, u beta do same grin
DOUBLEWAHALA:
I will appreciate anybody with a summary

23 Likes

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by ibkayee(f): 9:25pm On Nov 25, 2017
Can't even feel bad for you since you said you've also cheated before

I told her, I would forgive her, but I cannot trust her again and when there is no trust in marriage, the marriage is gone.
Lol

64 Likes 3 Shares

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by betafuture: 9:28pm On Nov 25, 2017
hmm. Because I have cheated before now, it gives her the liberty to cheat under my roof. Ok ooo
ibkayee:
Can't even feel bad for you since you said you've also cheated before


Lol

36 Likes

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by germainediva(f): 9:28pm On Nov 25, 2017
It's painful but remember you cheated on her too....no one is above mistake...if you still love her....forgive her and you both should work on your marriage...but if you can't live with it...then move on...marriage is not a do or die...

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Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by Nobody: 9:28pm On Nov 25, 2017
DOUBLEWAHALA:
I will appreciate anybody with a summary
Do u care to share some popcorn

11 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by shinarlaura(f): 9:29pm On Nov 25, 2017
generalbush:
Kill her.

That is the only option bro. For her to have made you type this long stuff, then she must have given you hell.

Kill her or bring her to me for deliverance.

Hmmmm

3 Likes

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by betafuture: 9:29pm On Nov 25, 2017
Thanks Dear.

germainediva:
It's painful but remember you cheated on her too....no one is above mistake...if you still love her....forgive her and you both should work on your marriage...but if you can't live with it...then move on...marriage is not a do or die...

3 Likes 3 Shares

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by DOUBLEWAHALA: 9:31pm On Nov 25, 2017
IAMSASHY:
grin al d pple above commented based on d topic alone, u beta do same grin
the op should have started from the adultery part

why tellin us how you got a bank job and how u lost it and how your wife sold tv

the topic should be i am suspecting my wife

37 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by ibkayee(f): 9:31pm On Nov 25, 2017
betafuture:
hmm. Because I have cheated before now, it gives her the liberty to cheat under my roof. Ok ooo
It doesn't give her liberty to nor does it make it right, but it's difficult to feel much sympathy for you, the sermon about trust in marriage you added was quite funny too

Hope you can work through it the same way she did when you were the one cheating, good luck

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Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by betafuture: 9:33pm On Nov 25, 2017
Thanks for your opinion
ibkayee:

It doesn't give her liberty to nor does it make it right, but it's difficult to feel much sympathy for you, the sermon about trust in marriage you added was quite funny too

Hope you can work through it the same way she did when you were the one cheating, good luck

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Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by ChopBellefull(m): 9:33pm On Nov 25, 2017
This is really though.. I read ur story bit by bit... D best part is that she feels remorse. As for d forgiveness part it's left for u..

I am still imagining wat i ll do to a cheating partner let alone a cheating wife.. OP use wisdom, nd for r sake of ur son dnt hv a broken home. Forgv her and watch her closely.

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Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by DOUBLEWAHALA: 9:34pm On Nov 25, 2017
germainediva:
It's painful but remember you cheated on her too....no one is above mistake...if you still love her....forgive her and you both should work on your marriage...but if you can't live with it...then move on...marriage is not a do or die...
if u read d post u wil not say this

12 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by betafuture: 9:34pm On Nov 25, 2017
Thanks man.

ChopBellefull:
This is really though.. I read ur story bit by bit... D best part is that she feels remorse. As for d forgiveness part it's left for u..

I am still imagining wat i ll do to a cheating partner let alone a cheating wife.. OP use wisdom, nd for r sake of ur son dnt hv a broken home. Forgv her and watch her closely.

7 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by Martin0(m): 9:34pm On Nov 25, 2017
shinarlaura:


Hmmmm

Chai,see our fine gyal ooo,gypsey don go clubb now without yougringrin


Oooooooo by now u should be twerking for him chai anyway another day will come shagringrin

1 Like

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by DOUBLEWAHALA: 9:36pm On Nov 25, 2017
Darmie7:
Do u care to share some popcorn
no!!!!!!!!!!

the episode is long I will be eating my popcorn smal smal until the movie finish

3 Likes

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by Richdotcom: 9:39pm On Nov 25, 2017
I can relate to your story, first you should calm down ..... 2nd you should control your emotions not to involve your son in stuffs like this.

3rd if you know you can trust her again, you guys should talk about it and work it out..... but if you know you can’t jejely move on.


But if I am in your shoes, if it’s her first time of cheating or almost cheating on you.... for the sake of God, the vows you shared and your son!!! Give her a second chance, with very very strict warning!!! In fact draw her ear....... that’s my 10kobo piece of advice.

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Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by Buharimustgo: 9:41pm On Nov 25, 2017
I would advise that you forgive her,only if she has not done anything with him and other guys you may not know,if not send her back to her family

13 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by betafuture: 9:43pm On Nov 25, 2017
Thanks sir
Richdotcom:
I can relate to your story, first you should calm down ..... 2nd you should control your emotions not to involve your son in stuffs like this.

3rd if you know you can trust her again, you guys should talk about it and work it out..... but if you know you can’t jejely move on.


But if I am in your shoes, if it’s her first time of cheating or almost cheating on you.... for the sake of God, the vows you shared and your son!!! Give her a second chance, with very very strict warning!!! In fact draw her ear....... that’s my 10kobo piece of advice.

3 Likes

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by betafuture: 9:44pm On Nov 25, 2017
many thanks. But how do I know they never have anything together, I left her in Nigeria with my son for three months (though my cousin was in the house with her) before she came to join me in the UK. One thing that tourched me was that my son said 'Daddy, please give mummy a second chance, she is not a bad woman'

I felt like crying with that little boy's words
Buharimustgo:
I would advise that you forgive her,only if she has not done anything with him and other guys you may not know,if not send her back to her family

56 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by dingbang(m): 9:47pm On Nov 25, 2017
But you cheated on her...even had sex with a girl...

And now your wife is just only chatting with someone else you are here boiling like molten magma ....


See God is not stupid ok... He has allowed the devil to come into your marriage which you started the adultery.. You are the one that needs to seek for mercy

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Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by generalbush(m): 9:49pm On Nov 25, 2017
shinarlaura:


Hmmmm

Hi
Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by betafuture: 9:50pm On Nov 25, 2017
Thanks for your perspective. I never see it from that angle

dingbang:
But you cheated on her...even had sex with a girl...

And now your wife is just only chatting with someone else you are here boiling like molten magma ....


See God is not stupid ok... He has allowed the devil to come into your marriage which you started the adultery.. You are the one that needs to seek for mercy

14 Likes

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by generalbush(m): 9:51pm On Nov 25, 2017
IAMSASHY:
grin al d pple above commented based on d topic alone, u beta do same grin

Hahahaha. You have a summary?
Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by ibkayee(f): 9:52pm On Nov 25, 2017
betafuture:
Thanks for your perspective. I never see it from that angle

Lol seems a lot of you guys never do undecided lipsrsealed

19 Likes

Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by shinarlaura(f): 9:52pm On Nov 25, 2017
Martin0:


Chai,see our fine gyal ooo,gypsey don go clubb now without yougringrin


Oooooooo by now u should be twerking for him chai anyway another day will come shagringrin

grin grin so gypsey went clubbing without me eh... he will meet me here.


No twerking for him for two months
Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by shinarlaura(f): 9:53pm On Nov 25, 2017
generalbush:


Hi

Hello.

How re u u doing?
Re: My Wife Is Adulterous: Advice Needed-long Post by marshalldgreat(m): 9:53pm On Nov 25, 2017
Hmm

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