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What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity - Family - Nairaland

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Man Heartbroken After Wife Revealed Why She Cheated On Him With Married Man. / Man Leaks Facebook Chats Of His Wife With Married Man / Zimbabwean Catholic Sister Has Sex With Married Man (2) (3) (4)

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What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Mindfulness: 11:55am On Apr 08, 2018
I’m not sure it’s possible to justify my liaisons with married men, but what I learned from having them warrants discussion. Not between the wives and me, though I would be interested to hear their side. No, this discussion should happen between wives and husbands, annually, the way we inspect the tire tread on the family car to avoid accidents.

A few years ago, while living in London, I dated married men for companionship while I processed the grief of being newly divorced. I hadn’t sought out married men specifically. When I created a profile on Tinder and OkCupid, saying I was looking for no-strings-attached encounters, plenty of single men messaged me and I got together with several of them. But many married men messaged me too.

After being married for 23 years, I wanted sex but not a relationship. This is dicey because you can’t always control emotional attachments when body chemicals mix, but with the married men I guessed that the fact that they had wives, children and mortgages would keep them from going overboard with their affections. And I was right. They didn’t get overly attached, and neither did I. We were safe bets for each other.

All told I communicated with maybe a dozen men during that time in my life, and had sex with fewer than half. Others I texted or talked with, which sometimes felt nearly as intimate.

I was careful about the men I met. I wanted to make sure they had no interest in leaving their wives or otherwise threatening all they had built together. In a couple of cases, the men I met were married to women who had become disabled and could no longer be sexual, but the husbands remained devoted to them.

Before I met each man I would ask: “Why are you doing this?” I wanted assurance that all he desired was sex.

What surprised me was that these husbands weren’t looking to have more sex. They were looking to have any sex.

I met one man whose wife had implicitly consented to her husband having a lover because she was no longer interested in sex, at all. They both, to some degree, got what they needed without having to give up what they wanted. But the other husbands I met would have preferred to be having sex with their wives. For whatever reason, that wasn’t happening.

I know what it feels like to go off sex, and I know what it’s like to want more than my partner. It’s also a tall order to have sex with the same person for more years than our ancestors ever hoped to live. Then, at menopause, a woman’s hormones suddenly drop and her desire can wane.

At 49, I was just about there myself, and terrified of losing my desire for sex. Men don’t have this drastic change. So we have an imbalance, an elephant-size problem, so burdensome and shameful we can scarcely muster the strength to talk about it.

Maybe the reason some wives aren’t having sex with their husbands is because, as women age, we long for a different kind of sex. I know I did, which is what led me down this path of illicit encounters. After all, nearly as many women are initiating affairs as men.

If you read the work of Esther Perel, the author of the recently published book “State of Affairs,” you’ll learn that, for many wives, sex outside of marriage is their way of breaking free from being the responsible spouses and mothers they have to be at home. Married sex, for them, often feels obligatory. An affair is adventure.

Meanwhile, the husbands I spent time with would have been fine with obligatory sex. For them, adventure wasn’t the main reason for their adultery.

The first time I saw my favorite married man pick up his pint of beer, the sleeve of his well-tailored suit pulled back from his wrist to reveal a geometric kaleidoscope of tattoos. He was cleanshaven and well mannered with a little rebel yell underneath. The night I saw the full canvas of his tattoo masterpiece, we drank prosecco, listened to ’80s music and, yes, had sex. We also talked.

I asked him: “What if you said to your wife, ‘Look, I love you and the kids but I need sex in my life. Can I just have the occasional fling or a casual affair?’”

He sighed. “I don’t want to hurt her,” he said. “She’s been out of the work force for 10 years, raising our kids and trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. If I asked her that kind of question, it would kill her.”

“So you don’t want to hurt her, but you lie to her instead. Personally, I’d rather know.”

Well, maybe I would rather know. My own marriage had not broken up over an affair so I couldn’t easily put myself in her position.

“It’s not necessarily a lie if you don’t confess the truth,” he said. “It’s kinder to stay silent.”

“I’m just saying I couldn’t do that. I don’t want to be afraid of talking honestly about my sex life with the man I’m married to, and that includes being able to at least raise the subject of sex outside of marriage.”

“Good luck with that!” he said.

“We go into marriage assuming we’ll be monogamous,” I said, “but then we get restless. We don’t want to split up, but we need to feel more sexually alive. Why break up the family if we could just accept the occasional affair?”

He laughed. “How about we stop talking about it before this affair stops being fun?”

I never convinced any husband that he could be honest about what he was doing. But they were mostly good-natured about it, like a patient father responding to a child who keeps asking, “Why, why, why?”

Maybe I was being too pragmatic about issues that are loaded with guilt, resentment and fear. After all, it’s far easier to talk theoretically about marriage than to navigate it. But my attitude is that if my spouse were to need something I couldn’t give him, I wouldn’t keep him from getting it elsewhere, as long as he did so in a way that didn’t endanger our family.

I suppose I would hope his needs would involve fishing trips or beers with friends. But sex is basic. Physical intimacy with other human beings is essential to our health and well-being. So how do we deny such a need to the one we care about most? If our primary relationship nourishes and stabilizes us but lacks intimacy, we shouldn’t have to destroy our marriage to get that intimacy somewhere else. Should we?

I didn’t have a full-on affair with the tattooed husband. We slept together maybe four times over a few years. More often we talked on the phone. I never felt possessive, just curious and happy to be in his company.

After our second night together, though, I could tell this was about more than sex for him; he was desperate for affection. He said he wanted to be close to his wife but couldn’t because they were unable to get past their fundamental disconnect: lack of sex, which led to a lack of closeness, which made sex even less likely and then turned into resentment and blame.

We all go through phases of wanting it and not wanting it. I doubt most women avoid having sex with their husbands because they lack physical desire in general; we are simply more complex sexual animals. Which is why men can get an erection from a pill but there’s no way to medically induce arousal and desire in women.

I am not saying the answer is non-monogamy, which can be rife with risks and unintended entanglements. I believe the answer is honesty and dialogue, no matter how frightening. Lack of sex in marriage is common, and it shouldn’t lead to shame and silence. By the same token, an affair doesn’t have to lead to the end of a marriage. What if an affair — or, ideally, simply the urge to have one — can be the beginning of a necessary conversation about sex and intimacy?

What these husbands couldn’t do was have the difficult discussion with their wives that would force them to tackle the issues at the root of their cheating. They tried to convince me they were being kind by keeping their affairs secret. They seemed to have convinced themselves. But deception and lying are ultimately corrosive, not kind.

In the end, I had to wonder if what these men couldn’t face was something else altogether: hearing why their wives no longer wanted to have sex with them. It’s much easier, after all, to set up an account on Tinder.


Karin Jones writes the Savvy Love column for Erotic Review Magazine in Britain. She is working on a memoir.
www.nytimes.com

Cc: Bukatyne

7 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by IYIMAN: 12:17pm On Apr 08, 2018
Hmmm
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by donstan18(m): 12:28pm On Apr 08, 2018
cheesy
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by baby124: 1:23pm On Apr 08, 2018
How is she so sure than her well acted out research is not false? Human beings are selfish so they cheat. The men who are carrying out affairs behind their wives may be lying about their reasons to get sex from her. They just want sex with someone else. She will be shocked that their wives are starved of sex by these men or even giving them different styles every week. The one that claims his wife gave him permission, did she ever meet the wife? cheesy. This article is hogwash and cannot help, especially when it involves seedy and secret affairs. They are full of terrible lies and deception

7 Likes 1 Share

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Mindfulness: 1:42pm On Apr 08, 2018
baby124:
How is she so sure than her well acted out research is not false? Human beings are selfish so they cheat. The men who are carrying out affairs behind their wives may be lying about their reasons to get sex from her. They just want sex with someone else. She will be shocked that their wives are starved of sex by these men or even giving them different styles every week. The one that claims his wife gave him permission, did she ever meet the wife? cheesy. This article is hogwash and cannot help, especially when it involves seedy and secret affairs. They are full of terrible lies and deception

I think she has made it clear that the write-up is based on subjective experience that lacks the perspective of the wives but I get your point about selfishness. Some men cheat even though they have an active s.ex life with their wives. I do not think that these men were lying to her to get s.ex from her because there was no need to. This is what she was after and they knew it right from the beginning from her social media profiles.

5 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by baby124: 1:49pm On Apr 08, 2018
Mindfulness:


I think she has made it clear that the write-up is based on subjective experience that lacks the perspective of the wives but I get your point about selfishness. Some men cheat even though they have an active s.ex life with their wives. I do not think that these men were lying to her to get s.ex from her because there was no need to. This is what she was after and they knew it right from the beginning from her social media profiles.

Men will say what they think she wants to hear even if there is a camera in their faces to keep the steady, at their beck and call sex coming.

3 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Sagamite(m): 1:49pm On Apr 08, 2018
Mindfulness:

Before I met each man I would ask: “Why are you doing this?” I wanted assurance that all he desired was sex.

What surprised me was that these husbands weren’t looking to have more sex. They were looking to have any sex.

I met one man whose wife had implicitly consented to her husband having a lover because she was no longer interested in sex, at all. They both, to some degree, got what they needed without having to give up what they wanted. But the other husbands I met would have preferred to be having sex with their wives. For whatever reason, that wasn’t happening.

I know what it feels like to go off sex, and I know what it’s like to want more than my partner. It’s also a tall order to have sex with the same person for more years than our ancestors ever hoped to live. Then, at menopause, a woman’s hormones suddenly drop and her desire can wane.

At 49, I was just about there myself, and terrified of losing my desire for sex. Men don’t have this drastic change. So we have an imbalance, an elephant-size problem, so burdensome and shameful we can scarcely muster the strength to talk about it.

Maybe the reason some wives aren’t having sex with their husbands is because, as women age, we long for a different kind of sex. I know I did, which is what led me down this path of illicit encounters. After all, nearly as many women are initiating affairs as men.

Yet, you will see people outside the marriage saying "Oh, they are happily married". Just because they have been married for X long years.

Yeah, right. What nonsense!

The miserable institution of marriage. undecided

This is actually related to a thread I was thinking of opening about what this woman said:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oiaDXrxs7Q

https://www.express.co.uk/life-style/life/671990/sex-drive-women-speak-after-Saira-Khans-Loose-Women-admission

This is why I always say courts should stay the fck out of marriage and not try to attribute fault on breakdown as no judge can ever be equipped with the ability to figure out the emotional and relationship dynamics between the two people in a relationship.

3 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Sagamite(m): 1:53pm On Apr 08, 2018
baby124:
How is she so sure than her well acted out research is not false? Human beings are selfish so they cheat. The men who are carrying out affairs behind their wives may be lying about their reasons to get sex from her. They just want sex with someone else. She will be shocked that their wives are starved of sex by these men or even giving them different styles every week. The one that claims his wife gave him permission, did she ever meet the wife? cheesy. This article is hogwash and cannot help, especially when it involves seedy and secret affairs. They are full of terrible lies and deception

Start believing such articles as there are shitloads of such confessions on the net like I put above.
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Mindfulness: 1:55pm On Apr 08, 2018
baby124:

Men will say what they think she wants to hear even if there is a camera in their faces to keep the steady, at their beck and call sex coming.

The gist of this article is a problem that many couples face, the lack of passion in a marriage. Whether all these men were truthful or not, the problem remains for many couples. Her solution to this problem is a) open marriage and b) open communication and honesty and I believe that it is well thought out even though I share your reservations.

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Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by baby124: 2:02pm On Apr 08, 2018
Sagamite:


Start believing such articles as there are shitloads of such confessions on the net like I put above.
I will only believe an article like this when the subjects of the experiment have nothing got gain. This is not an article to be taken seriously.

1 Like

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Mindfulness: 2:03pm On Apr 08, 2018
Sagamite:


Yet, you will see people outside the marriage saying "Oh, they are happily married". Just because they have been married for X long years.

Yeah, right. What nonsense!

The miserable institution of marriage. undecided

It is not miserable for everyone. Life has its up and downs so does the marriage institution. If one enters the marriage institution believing in fairy tales, s/he will be disappointed but beside all religious reasons and romantic notions/misconceptions, there is some pragmatic value to it, especially when children are involved. I am not trying to convince you of marriage. I am very liberal and believe everyone should choose the life style that makes them happy but a good marriage is a beautiful thing.

This is actually related to a thread I was thinking of opening about what this woman said:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oiaDXrxs7Q

https://www.express.co.uk/life-style/life/671990/sex-drive-women-speak-after-Saira-Khans-Loose-Women-admission

Even for single women there are times when s.ex is the last thing on their mind for various reasons, this is not necessarily the outcome of being married. Stress, unhealthy life-style, worries can lead to a decrease in libido in both women and men. For women, the menstrual cycle, child birth and menopause are additional factor influencing their libido. Fortunately, we live in times where talking about s.ex is no longer a taboo so it is easier to find solutions to these problems and I believe that the author of the article has come with some constructive suggestions.

This is why I always say courts should stay the fck out of marriage and not try to attribute fault on breakdown as no judge can ever be equipped with the ability to figure out the emotional and relationship dynamics between the two people in a relationship.

If you want the court to stay out, do not have court marriage, problem fixed. For many of us, we are happy that the law is involved and regulates unforeseen life circumstances like orphan's allowance, widow's annuity, property rights, patient's provision etc.

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Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Sagamite(m): 2:03pm On Apr 08, 2018
baby124:

I will only believe an article like this when the subjects of the experiment have nothing got gain. This is not an article to be taken seriously.

What do you think an Asian woman plans to gain by coming on national TV to say she has not been interested in having sex with her husband for a number of years?

3 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Sagamite(m): 2:14pm On Apr 08, 2018
Mindfulness:

It is not miserable for everyone. Life has its up and downs so does the marriage institution. If one enters the marriage institution believing in fairy tales, s/he will be disappointed but beside all religious reasons and romantic notions/misconceptions, there is some pragmatic value to it, especially when children are involved. I am not trying to convince you of marriage. I am very liberal and believe everyone should choose the life style that makes them happy but a good marriage is a beautiful thing.

Obviously not.

But for a vast majority it is.

The whole marriage institution is man-made dictact, not a natural phenomenom or setting. Human beings are not built to be in it in the way social engineering dictates.

Both sexes are polygamous, men more than women on average.

Men are naturally built to want to spread their seed. Women are naturally built to want to accept seed from the most beneficial man but also need the support of the warmest man to raise the kids, finding that mix is very difficult for them as (a) such men who possess both are few and far between and (b) many of such men are in high demand and are naturally built to want to spread their seed especially when so many women want them.

Mindfulness:

Even for single women there are times when s.ex is the last thing on their mind for various reasons, this is not necessarily the outcome of being married. Stress, unhealthy life-style, worries can lead to a decrease in libido in both women and men. For women, the menstrual cycle, child birth and menopause are additional factor influencing their libido. Fortunately, we live in times where talking about s.ex is no longer a taboo so it is easier to find solutions to these problems and I believe that the author of the article has come with some constructive suggestions.


Obviously! I am not saying it is strictly the domain of married women. Having a signed paper and wasteful ceremony does not change one as a person. I am saying it is the domain of humanity.

What women want changes over time and at different stages of their life, attraction is not a choice, it is involuntary. It is reality of life.

Mindfulness:

If you want the court to stay out, do not have court marriage, problem fixed. For many of us, we are happy that the law is involved and regulates unforeseen life circumstances like orphan's allowance, widow's annuity, property rights, patient's provision etc.

The argument is never to say "Well, stay out of court marriages".

The argument is always "Is the way the court set up right".

When it comes to human/social set up, I am not of the school of "That is just the way it is", I am of the school of "this is the optimal way it should be".

2 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by bukatyne(f): 2:37pm On Apr 08, 2018
Mindfulness, Happy Sunday and long posts cheesy grin kiss

Hmmmmmm.

First of all, adultery is very wrong and solely the choice of the perpetrator. angry

However, those husbands are right. A lot of women from research simply do not care about their husband's libido or have the right attitude about it.

It is not even a Nigerian thing. Even whites seems digging into the concept more.

Some have said that desire cannot be negotiated and the husbands have lost prestige in the eyes of their wives. Other wives have turn sex to a bargaining chip and trade it in exchange of the husband's compliance in certain matters.

I know that some men would cheat even if their wives were constantly sexually available, in good shape and truly desire their husbands. I am talking of men who married with the intention of upholding their martial vows and unfortunately, their wives do not make it easy for them.

5 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by bukatyne(f): 2:39pm On Apr 08, 2018
Mindfulness:


I think she has made it clear that the write-up is based on subjective experience that lacks the perspective of the wives but I get your point about selfishness. Some men cheat even though they have an active s.ex life with their wives. I do not think that these men were lying to her to get s.ex from her because there was no need to. This is what she was after and they knew it right from the beginning from her social media profiles.


I agree with you.

She was the one seeking them out, not the other way round.

1 Like

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by bukatyne(f): 2:44pm On Apr 08, 2018
@Sagamite:

Marriage is not man-made.

I would say having less sexual partners, being creative/considerate, willingness to improve at it, open communication and truly desiring your spouse will improve sex in marriage.
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Mindfulness: 2:46pm On Apr 08, 2018
Sagamite:


Obviously not.

But for a vast majority it is.

The whole marriage institution is man-made dictact, not a natural phenomenom or setting. Human beings are not built to be in it in the way social engineering dictates.

Both sexes are polygamous, men more than women on average.

Men are naturally built to want to spread their seed. Women are naturally built to want to accept seed from the most beneficial man but also need the support of the warmest man to raise the kids, finding that mix is very difficult for them as (a) such men who possess both are few and far between and (b) many of such men are in high demand and are naturally built to want to spread their seed especially when so many women want them.

We are not only driven by our s.exual desires which differ from human to human and change with age. This theory is so yesterday. And if we were, we should think that men should value their freedom to "spread their seed" above the comforts that a family can provide and yet these men decide to marry, millions of them, all around the world.

Obviously! I am not saying it is strictly the domain of women. Having a signed paper and wasteful ceremony does not change one as a person. I am saying it is the domain of humanity.

What you consider wasteful is what others willingly afford and enjoy. To each their own.

What women want changes over time and at different stages of their life. It is reality of life.

So?

The argument is never to say "Well, stay out of court marriages".

The argument is always "Is the way the court set up right".

When it comes to human/social set up, I am not of the school of "That is just the way it is", I am of the school of "this is the optimal way it should be".

You said that you do not want courts to get involved at all so court marriage should be from the table for you. Pretty simple.
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Mindfulness: 2:51pm On Apr 08, 2018
bukatyne:
Mindfulness, Happy Sunday and long posts cheesy grin kiss

Hmmmmmm.

First of all, adultery is very wrong and solely the choice of the perpetrator. angry

However, those husbands are right. A lot of women from research simply do not care about their husband's libido or have the right attitude about it.

It is not even a Nigerian thing. Even whites seems digging into the concept more.

Some have said that desire cannot be negotiated and the husbands have lost prestige in the eyes of their wives. Other wives have turn sex to a bargaining chip and trade it in exchange of the husband's compliance in certain matters.

I know that some men would cheat even if their wives were constantly sexually available, in good shape and truly desire their husbands. I am talking of men who married with the intention of upholding their martial vows and unfortunately, their wives do not make it easy for them.


Do these husbands make it easy for their wives to desire them? We tell women to stay in shape, to dress well, to get lingerie but what do we tell husbands?

1 Like

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by bukatyne(f): 2:59pm On Apr 08, 2018
Mindfulness:


Do these husbands make it easy for their wives to desire them? We tell women to stay in shape, to dress well, to get lingerie but what do we tell husbands?

I am talking more of attitude towards sex first.

A woman can do all that without the goal of pleasing her man in the first place.

@ Bold: That is a very question and where I always differ from others with such advice. It takes two to tango is best understood in marriage.

A husband needs to constantly improve himself and stay in shape.

2 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Sagamite(m): 3:21pm On Apr 08, 2018
bukatyne:
@Sagamite:

Marriage is not man-made.

I would say having less sexual partners, being creative/considerate, willingness to improve at it, open communication and truly desiring your spouse will improve sex in marriage.


Who made marriage?

Jehovah lorun? (Jehovah in heaven?) grin grin grin
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by bukatyne(f): 3:22pm On Apr 08, 2018
Sagamite:


Who made marriage?

Jehovah lorun? (Jehovah in heaven?) grin grin grin

Yes o!

Flesh and blood did not reveal this to you!
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Sagamite(m): 3:44pm On Apr 08, 2018
Mindfulness:

We are not only driven by our s.exual desires which differ from human to human and change with age. This theory is so yesterday. And if we were, we should think that men should value their freedom to "spread their seed" above the comforts that a family can provide and yet these men decide to marry, millions of them, all around the world.

Of course we are not only driven by sexual desires.

But sexual desires plays a fcking huge part in our well being and happiness. More so for men, but also hugely important for women.

Men value their freedom to spread their seed more than marriage hence why so much of them cheat in marriage. But at the same time, smart men try to balance both.

Men deciding to marry can come from many different drivers:

1) A woman they like desires or demands it, otherwise they aint getting the honey they worked so hard for. Remember: It is still men that have to work for sex. Be it in wooing or working to pay for it.

2) They feel that is what is done and have to be done. We all know there are not many people with their own mind and freewill, many conform to norms and are followers. Thank God I have never been like that, I create my own rules. Not many men are like me. https://www.nairaland.com/4424559/what-made-popular-secondary-school/4#66280219

3) And some are need of it to feel whole. These are not normally the alpha males women want though. They have less masculine traits and are not the type to rise to the top (nothing wrong with that, it is just what it is).

4) They meet a woman they like and connect with, and can actually see themselves living the rest of their lives with this person. That is very very very rare, and most that claim this to the world are pure liars that are living a lie. The chances of that happening is as close to the odds of lightning striking someone.

Personally, I am not for marriage, but that does not mean it is not possible I would engage in it. If I do, it would be because of (a), it is important to the woman I like and I think she deserves it and I would like to make her happy. Definitely not because it is demanded 'otherwise she would leave'.

Mindfulness:

What you consider wasteful is what others willingly afford and enjoy. To each their own.

True!

I can't argue against that.

That said, the wedding is normally great and phenomenal, but the marriage is an anti-climax and miserable.

Fck me, if I start regaling the amount of marriages I have seen in the last 10 years and which are now in misery or ended miserably. Single mothers abound.

Recently experienced a fabulous wedding in Nigeria where shitloads was spent on it, and within a week after the marriage, the "happy" husband was back living with his upset side chic for about two weeks. No need to say the marriage did not last a year. Many blokes at the wedding were saying "I really don't know why they are doing this", but fck it, niggas would still chop their rice and ofada stew with panla fish sha. grin

That is just an interesting and funny life story o. Not a claim of the norm, so no need to argue along that line.

Mindfulness:

So?


So it means marriage would be tough for them too and most men would struggle, and will not be equipped, to make them happy, hence a miserable institution emerges.

Then they end up in counselling. grin

Mindfulness:

You said that you do not want courts to [b]get involved at all [/b]so court marriage should be from the table for you. Pretty simple.

Am afraid that is not what I said. You must have misread it.

What I said was that the courts should stay out of determining fault in marriages.

Sagamite:

This is why I always say courts should stay the fck out of marriage and not try to attribute fault on breakdown as no judge can ever be equipped with the ability to figure out the emotional and relationship dynamics between the two people in a relationship.

You would still need courts in determining:

a) Sharing of assets

b) Determing and enforcing child or spousal maintenace (where logical needs be)

Not everyone that marries would know how those would work or would adhere to the logical principles.
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Sagamite(m): 3:47pm On Apr 08, 2018
bukatyne:


Yes o!

Flesh and blood did not reveal this to you!

Jehovah? Not Sango?

You are sure?
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by baby124: 4:03pm On Apr 08, 2018
Sagamite:


What do you think an Asian woman plans to gain by coming on national TV to say she has not been interested in having sex with her husband for a number of years?
What Asian woman? Like I said, it would be easier to believe a research done by someone who was not giving the men something they needed. Her article cannot be taken seriously. Numerous men also have erectile dysfunction issues and their women cheat. Most people are selfish and will not work through their partners problems with them. The fact remains people cheat because they are selfish and think they can get away with it. If sex was that important in theid marriage why not get a divorce and sex away? Throughout her whole experiment as sexually active as she was with this men, not one brought up divorcing his wife to be with a sexually active woman permanently. Despite their claim to not be fulfilled in their marriages.

2 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Sagamite(m): 4:08pm On Apr 08, 2018
baby124:

What Asian woman? Like I said, it would be easier to believe a research done by someone who was not giving the men something they needed. Her article cannot be taken seriously. Numerous men also have erectile dysfunction issues and their women cheat. Most people are selfish and will not work through their partners problems with them.

I am not talking about the OP's article, I am talking about the video I put on.

About real life TV confession by an Asian woman that she loves her husband, they are not fighting but she has just not been interested in sex for a long time.

Are you saying she is lying on TV? And if so, why do you think so? What does she have to gain from her lie?

baby124:
The fact remains people cheat because they are selfish and think they can get away with it. If sex was that important in theid marriage why not get a divorce and sex away?

Sex is important to most people, in and outside marriage, except something is wrong with you.

2 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Mindfulness: 4:19pm On Apr 08, 2018
Sagamite:


Of course we are not only driven by sexual desires.

But sexual desires plays a fcking huge part in our well being and happiness. More so for men, but also hugely important for women.

Men value their freedom to spread their seed more than marriage hence why so much of them cheat in marriage. But at the same time, smart men try to balance both.

Men deciding to marry can come from many different drivers:

1) A woman they like desires or demands it, otherwise they aint getting the honey they worked so hard for. Remember: It is still men that have to work for sex. Be it in wooing or working to pay for it.

2) They feel that is what is done and have to be done. We all know there are not many people with their own mind and freewill, many conform to norms and are followers. Thank God I have never been like that, I create my own rules. Not many men are like me. https://www.nairaland.com/4424559/what-made-popular-secondary-school/4#66280219

3) And some are need it to feel whole. These are not normally the alpha males women want though. They have less masculine traits and are not the type to rise to the top (nothing wrong with that, it is just what it is).

4) They meet a woman they like and connect with, and can actually see themselves living the rest of their lives with this person. That is very very very rare, and most that claim these are pure liars that are living a lie. The chances of that happening is as close to the odds of lightening striking someone.

Personally, I am not for marriage, but that does not mean it is not possible I would engage in it. If I do, it would be because of (a), it is important to the woman I like and I think she deserves it and I would like to make her happy. Definitely not because it is demanded 'otherwise she would leave'.



True!

I can't argue against that.

That said, the wedding is normally great and phenomenal, but the marriage is an anti-climax and miserable.

Fck me, if I start regaling the amount of marriages I have seen in the last 10 years and which are now in misery or ended miserably. Single mothers abound.

Recently experienced a fabulous wedding in Nigeria where shitloads was spent on it, and within a week after the marriage, the "happy" husband was back living with his upset side chic for about two weeks. No need to say the marriage did not last a year. Many blokes at the wedding were saying "I really don't know why they are doing this", but fck it, niggas would still chop their rice and ofada stew with panla fish sha. grin

That is just an interesting and funny life story o. Not a claim of the norm, so no need to argue along that line.



So it means marriage would be tough for them too and most men would struggle, and will not be equipped, to make them happy, hence a miserable institution emerges.

Then they end up in counselling. grin



Am afraid that is not what I said. You must have misread it.

What I said was that the courts should stay out of determining fault in marriages.



You would still need courts in determining:

a) Sharing of assets

b) Determing and enforcing child or spousal maintenace (where logical needs be)

Not everyone that marries would know how those would work or would adhere to the logical principles.

@bold

In some countries no fault divorce laws have already been established. I have been discussing it with a colleague (almost 70 yrs old) a few weeks ago who argued that it was wrong to change divorce laws to no fault as it has increased divorce rates.

Anyway. My family will soon be here. Need to fix them a delicious meal. Cheers!
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Sagamite(m): 4:33pm On Apr 08, 2018
Mindfulness:


@bold

In some countries no fault divorce laws have already been established. I have been discussing it with a colleague (almost 70 yrs old) a few weeks ago who argued that it was wrong to change divorce laws to no fault as it has increased divorce rates.

Anyway. My family will soon be here. Need to fix them a delicious meal. Cheers!

Exactly!

That is my argument too. The courts should focus on financial separation only and that itself should be dependent of contribution and short term needs only.

As for your colleague, my message to him is that: Divorce might not be diserable, but unhappiness is more undesirable.

Enjoy your meal, girl.
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by bukatyne(f): 4:49pm On Apr 08, 2018
baby124:

If sex was that important in theid marriage why not get a divorce and sex away? Throughout her whole experiment as sexually active as she was with this men, not one brought up divorcing his wife to be with a sexually active woman permanently. Despite their claim to not be fulfilled in their marriages.

Pareto's principle.

Sex is very important however they have a good life going.

Why rock the boat?
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Timbuktuo: 6:31pm On Apr 08, 2018
Of all men-in-relationships demographics, married men have the least amount of sex because women give sex to get commitment(mostly marriage commitment) from men, or money and other material things, but mainly commitment/marriage. That's why there is always a sharp drop in frequency of sex between couples when a couple marries.

2 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by baby124: 6:38pm On Apr 08, 2018
bukatyne:


Pareto's principle.

Sex is very important however they have a good life going.

Why rock the boat?
But if caught, they could lose their marriage? Yes or no? I think when you cross that line to cheat. You don’t really mind rocking the boat.

3 Likes

Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Prognose: 6:45pm On Apr 08, 2018
baby124:

I will only believe an article like this when the subjects of the experiment have nothing got gain. This is not an article to be taken seriously.

The man already had sex with her. What was he standing to gain by lying?

she had the same experience with the other sexual partners she had. Did they all orchestrate to lie the same lie?

The truth is that most marriages after a while lack the sexual fire that initiated it. For the sake of this article, we are looking at it from the women's angle as their being the culprit. You hear every day the common slogan married women give to their husbands "sex Na food" as if trying to tell the man he is childish for asking sex from her. Eventually following repeated rejections the man will stop asking his wife for sex.

Not all men that cheat are bad men. Not all men want to cheat. But sex is a necessity in a man's life. Withholding sex from your man, no matter how "good and caring" he once was, will lead to other things. Your intimacy will stop. The closeness and affection will be the next to die. The next thing is you see the man always angry and looking for fault up and down.

And then one day he comes home smiling. He hugs you and there's a big grin on his face. He eats your food with relish and looks more alive than he has looked in years. You're thinking you're a good cook, not knowing the man has finally satisfied his craving elsewhere.

As you can see in this research, these men were still in love with their wives. They didn't claim to be unhappy with their marriage or want to leave. No. All they wanted was sex. Any sex. Any kind of sex at all. And that my dear is the crux of the matter.
Re: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity by Prognose: 6:48pm On Apr 08, 2018
bukatyne:
Mindfulness, Happy Sunday and long posts cheesy grin kiss

Hmmmmmm.

First of all, adultery is very wrong and solely the choice of the perpetrator. angry

However, those husbands are right. A lot of women from research simply do not care about their husband's libido or have the right attitude about it.

It is not even a Nigerian thing. Even whites seems digging into the concept more.

Some have said that desire cannot be negotiated and the husbands have lost prestige in the eyes of their wives. Other wives have turn sex to a bargaining chip and trade it in exchange of the husband's compliance in certain matters.

I know that some men would cheat even if their wives were constantly sexually available, in good shape and truly desire their husbands. I am talking of men who married with the intention of upholding their martial vows and unfortunately, their wives do not make it easy for them.

Thank you.

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