What happens to your brain when you cling to a grudge?
The parts of your brain that specialize in criticism grow more active. They feed on your thoughts about the grudge. The neurons involved lay down more connections, strengthening this response.
The next time someone behaves in a way that you disapprove of, your brain more readily jumps to criticism and judgment.
All that is understandable, you're not alone in practicing criticism. But there's a price to pay for this practice.
The same parts of your brain that criticize others also criticize you. You tend to become more unforgiving about your own mistakes. Self-acceptance recedes. It becomes harder for you to like yourself.
Further, this can lead to a cycle of mutual
criticism between you and people who matter to you. It tends to weaken the supportive relationships we all need.
A recent study among 5,475 men and 4,580 women aged over 50 showed that a single point increase in negative social support score resulted in a 31 percent rise in the risk of eventual dementia. Negative social support is where you experience a lot of critical, unreliable and annoying behaviors from others, especially people close to you.
What can you do to start breaking this downward spiral of mutual criticism and self-criticism?
First, ask what stresses or problems may have led to the undesirable behavior. Try to find explanations that weaken the impact of the “bad” behavior on your mind. This is as true for self-criticism as for criticizing others.
Perhaps there were circumstances that led to you acting in regrettable ways. If you regret it, don't wallow in the regret. Find explanations to understand why you did what you did.
Give yourself the gift of forgiveness, strengthen your resolve to do what is good and important going forward, then move on. This same gift of forgiveness may be given to others, recognizing that all human beings are vulnerable to errors or even terrible behavior.
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation with the offender. Reconciliation is the re-establishment of mutual trust. That requires a further step as part of negotiation.
But forgiveness can proceed regardless of reconciliation and mutual trust.
The more you practice understanding and forgiveness, starting with yourself, the more you strengthen the self-reassuring parts of your brain. These are the same parts that show empathy and compassion to others. They make you more accepting of yourself, with all your flaws and stumbles.
We all have flaws and stumbles. That’s okay. It’s part of being human.
If I could go back to my youth and replay my friend’s apology, I hope I would respond with more understanding. After all, if our positions had been reversed and I'd been blinded by envy, who knows what I might have done.
For a better quality of life right now, with more self-acceptance, and for a lower risk of cognitive decline, try loosening your grip on grudges. And be gentle with yourself when you slip up in this effort. The steering wheel of your life often requires a little time, patience and practice before you can turn it reliably.




https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-forgiving-yourself-and-others-changes-your-brain/?_e_pi_=7%2CPAGE_ID10%2C3114709332