Dear Nairaland family,
There is an issue that I would love matured and experienced people on here to advise me on.
Its really tricky and deep, I would appreciate objective and unbiased analysis.
I am currently engaged to a lady in her late twenties, I am in my early thirties.

So the lady is decent , godly, nice , homely and all that but I seem to have an issue with her personality.
I am a very widely read, and exposed young man, very ambitious and hardworking but I am also deeply traditional.

I believe a man is the head of the home, do not misquote me. I am not a chauvinist I just believe men are the leaders
and women also have their own unique roles.
Lastly I believe a woman should excercise some restraint in criticising decisions taken by the man. I found out that the audacity with which my fiance criticises or corrects me doesnt show respect and that consciousness that I am her prospective husband. Like, the manner I will correct my mom is quite different from how I would correct my younger sister isnt it?

I try as much as possible to respect my woman by the way and I accomodate her differences and also respect her opinions
but it appears she just cant resist the urge to express herself to me whenever she disagrees with me on some issues.
I believe a woman should not be this insistent and also a woman should very flexible and tolerable. The manner she
makes herself heard when we disagree on issues bothers me alot.

I am wondering if she will not stand up to me when we get married. I am not ready to marry my equal, I prefer to marry a
woman who would give me full respect and respect my decisions even if she does not agree with them.

Lastly, I tested my fiance with a tricky issue. I told her I do not like church wedding that if it was left to me I would
prefer for us to have just court wedding. Acutally we are a bit tight on finances and it would be a great idea to save as
much as we could . Surprisingly my fiance stated that "thank God it is not left to you, me I want to do church wedding".

The question I am asking myself now is if we get married and it gets to a point where we both find ourselves in a situation where
we need to make a compromise I pressume I might find it difficult getting her to make the compromise. I strongly feel
she will give me issue when it comes to authority.

I would love to be in charge of my own home. I may not have communicated the way I'd have loved to cos am rushing to type this
but for the few people who really understand my fear, do you think these fears are genuine or they are not.

Thank you very much.

ask your father

forreelinc:
ask your father

That is so rude, how old are you?

OP, you know your partner more than the faceless young guys who can't even handle friendship that will advise you.
I think you guys are confused
You want a smart lady but can't stand a girl that likes to voice out her opinion?
You want a lady to respect you and when they do, you guys call them 'Dullard, not smart and mumu'.

Sometimes, I don't understand you people.

I think you should sit her down and talk. Communication is the best weapon. Study her too and know when to act like 'African man'.

Brooke60:
,

oh you have gone to ask him?
dont forget to come back with what he said

Do you know what your problem is? You're simply incorrigible. What you want is a woman that won't question your decisions 'cause if you ask me, I don't see an issue here. It's not like she insults you based on the narrative but that she always question your decisions and you pick offence in her doing so.

And just so you know, it's fiancée.

It's really a tricky issue with a lot of tentacles.

If you want to be a leader then you have to put yourself in a position of authority and act accordingly. Now, you have to do this respectfully.

You need to have a sit down with your woman and thrash things out. #communication. It's possible she doesn't even know her actions hurt you and puncture your ego.

You also need to ask yourself. How well do I know my woman,? Does she exhibit this same character outside of your home? When you go out together, how does she treat strangers, waiters, drivers, bus conductors, less privileged. Etc?

Go deep into her family, does her mother have same qualities?

Lastly, marriage is not for you alone. It's for both of you. You will have to let go of certain things for peace to reign but the other party must be aware of how you feel about certain things.

Exercise authority! Respectfully though

kimbraa:
Do you know what your problem is? You're simply incorrigible. What you want is a woman that won't question your decisions 'cause if you ask me, I don't see an issue here. It's not like she insults you based on the narrative but that she always question your decisions and you pick offence in her doing so.

And just so you know, it's fiancée.

I think the manner she does express herself is the main issue here. Although personally, I wouldn't want a woman who doesn't bring ideas to the table or who doesn't have the confidence with rapport to point out to me Respectfully when I goof around.

Though she has the right to express her opinion in a subject matter, but she has to do that in lovely and in a respective manner. We men dont like competitor in a house.

acevic:


I think the manner she does express herself is the main issue here. Although personally, I wouldn't want a woman who doesn't bring ideas to the table or who doesn't have the confidence with rapport to point out to me Respectfully when I goof around.

Mr right will always look for excuses/reasons to justify himself. He said the manner in which she corrects him is the problem but failed to tell us if she corrects him in public or shouts while correcting them. He should either be humble and take corrections or look for a girl he's older than that can't question him.

kimbraa:
Mr right will always look for excuses/reasons to justify himself. He said the manner in which she corrects him is the problem but failed to tell us if she corrects him in public or shouts while correcting them. He should either be humble and take corrections or look for a girl he's older than that can't question him.

It must not be public to be wrong ma'am, having your voice heard is quite different from making noise, hope you know that? It is funny how you jump to conclusions sometimes Kimb, on what basis did call him mr right?

Tallesty1:
It must not be public to be wrong ma'am, having your voice heard is quite different from making noise, hope you know that? It is funny how you jump to conclusions sometimes Kimb, on what basis did call him mr right?

What part of my post did you infer me running to conclusion? My question wasn't excluded to public correction as I included shouting at him. Aside these two, he just isn't open to correction.

Are you having issues with the corrections or the manner at which she does the correction?

And why is the wedding up to her? Is she the one paying for it?

eph12:
Are you having issues with the corrections or the manner at which she does the correction?

And why is the wedding up to her? Is she the one paying for it?

To the objective critiques I appreciate your time and effort.
Well technically the wedding is up to us, I just kind of made that statement to see if she would give any kind of reference to my preference on how I wanted the wedding to be which obviously it appears she couldnt be bothered what I wanted of preferred.

The concern for me now is , is this lack of concern for my preference one off or pervasive? Is it a manifestation of a deep character flaw?
I grew up with the understanding that wives should pander to their husbands preferences. You know in this situation, a compromise of some sort would have been very pacifying but the apparent volte face and lack of concern or even regard for my preference looks like a sign of a deep character flaw.

In addition, I am not really a fan of women who are vocal. I always believed as africans our wives must learn to stay in thier place and value the uniqueness of that position. Its a very delicate and tricky concept to understand so I am not surprised by the vitriol I am getting from a few ignorant posters.

I do hope someone can comprehend the deep things I am not sure I have been able to properly communicate ...

kimbraa:
What part of my post did you infer me running to conclusion? My question wasn't excluded to public correction as I included shouting at him. Aside these two, he just isn't open to correction.

ok

would it be wise for her to marry you?!

Guitarlife:


To the objective critiques I appreciate your time and effort.
Well technically the wedding is up to us, I just kind of made that statement to see if she would give any kind of reference to my preference on how I wanted the wedding to be which obviously it appears she couldnt be bothered what I wanted of preferred.

The concern for me now is , is this lack of concern for my preference one off or pervasive? Is it a manifestation of a deep character flaw?
I grew up with the understanding that wives should pander to their husbands preferences. You know in this situation, a compromise of some sort would have been very pacifying but the apparent volte face and lack of concern or even regard for my preference looks like a sign of a deep character flaw.

In addition, I am not really a fan of women who are vocal. I always believed as africans our wives must learn stay in thier place and value the uniqueness of that position. Its a very delicate and tricky concept to understand so I am not surprised by the vitriol I am getting from a few ignorant posters.

I do hope someone can comprehend the deep things I am not sure I have been able to properly communicate ...

You have to understand that times are changing. Kids nowadays are not handled the way they were handled back then. Same thing goes for wives, husbands and relationships in general. Respect is not demanded, it's earned. If you are doing everything to earn her respect and she's not yielding, please let her go. As long as you are sure you are considerate.

You have to test her in different ways to be sure it's a one off. Don't make your decisions based on this only. Be patient bro

Both of you don't seem to be compatible.

Brooke60:
That is so rude, how old are you?

OP, you know your partner more than the faceless young guys who cant even handle friendship that will advise you.
I think yo guys are confused
You want a smart lady but can't stand a girl that likes to voice out her opionn?
You want a lady to respect you and when they do, you guys call them 'Dullard, not smart and mumu'.

Sometimes, I dont understand you people.

I think you should sit her down and talk. Communication is the best weapon. Study her too and know when to act like 'African man'.

Hmmm I guess your dad doesn't have the answer huh? Oya hurry up ask your mother

Guitarlife,

Sometimes we get carried away and overlook some incompatibility issues due to the pressure of settling down. You know how we ignore a faulty indicator light that flashes with the hope that the car won't breakdown but alas, things such as this only get worse when ignored. How will you both manage family finances, family decisions especially with regards to your kids, extended family?

I may be wrong but if I recall correctly, you are a Christian, a true believer. Please, pray very well because from my own experience God has opened my eyes to incompatibility issues (or potential character flaws) at critical points. In both cases, I never sought his face before starting the relationship but rather, I chose the girl my flesh longed for and asked for his blessing...Lol.

Marriage is an endurance race bro so if your running shoes feel too tight, no point starting that race.

May God open the eyes of your understanding and order your steps.

Tell her how you feel and see if she stops being condescending with how she speaks to you.

She's a presumptuous woman. Actually, the least of things to expect from a presumptuous person are humility, meekness and tolerance. Yet, it isn't the worst of attributes.

It takes one who possess a self-effacing attribute - not because of timorousness - to constantly exhibits humility, meekness and tolerance as attitudes, because it's the foundation on which they're built. Absence of this important attribute (self-effacement) doesn't make her a lost case though, because there's always room for imbibement - although an embraced attribute can never be an alternative to an innate one.

Calmly bring her attention to the vice the attribute is, and make her see reason to eschew it and embrace self-effacement so that she can become more refined. You'll notice the following attitudes from her when she embraced the change volitionally; politeness, humbleness and libertarianism. The good thing is that these new attitudes won't make her to lose her self-confidence and outspokenness, in fact, she'll begin to command more respect and affection from you in particular and other people in general.

Meanwhile, you too need a little change, you're a domineering person. You don't need to domineer to dominate her or anyone. Embrace libertarianism and eschew conceitedness, doing this will make you conscientious. Sane women (people) never fails to be submissive to conscientious leaders.

Plesse free this woman and allow her to go find a man who can appreciate her. I can already see how you will frustrate the poor lady in marriage. Please for the sake of her happiness, self esteem and self worth, end this relationship so she can go find a man who will truly appreciate and love her as she is. You are the type that will make a woman age 10 yrs after 5 yrs of marriage.

Go to your village and the type of ladies you desire are plenty there

Guiterlife please dont make my mistake. Never you be with a woman that cant make compromise for you. Never be with a woman who sees you like her equal and lacks respect for you. A man needs respect not sex o. If i were you, intentionally put this woman through more tests to observe her character. If shes not relenting please i kneel down beg you. DUMP HER! Or I bet you. You will pay the courts for DIVORCE

[quote author=Guitarlife post=67559447]Dear Nairaland family,
There is an issue that I would love matured and experienced people on here to advise me on.
Its really tricky and deep, I would appreciate objective and unbiased analysis.
I am currently engaged to a lady in her late twenties, I am in my early thirties.

So the lady is decent , godly, nice , homely and all that but I seem to have an issue with her personality.
I am a very widely read, and exposed young man, very ambitious and hardworking but I am also deeply traditional.

I believe a man is the head of the home, do not misquote me. I am not a chauvinist I just believe men are the leaders
and women also have their own unique roles.
Lastly I believe a woman should excercise some restraint in criticising decisions taken by the man. I found out that the audacity with which my fiance criticises or corrects me doesnt show respect and that consciousness that I am her prospective husband. Like, the manner I will correct my mom is quite different from how I would correct my younger sister isnt it?

I try as much as possible to respect my woman by the way and I accomodate her differences and also respect her opinions
but it appears she just cant resist the urge to express herself to me whenever she disagrees with me on some issues.
I believe a woman should not be this insistent and also a woman should very flexible and tolerable. The manner she
makes herself heard when we disagree on issues bothers me alot.

I am wondering if she will not stand up to me when we get married. I am not ready to marry my equal, I prefer to marry a
woman who would give me full respect and respect my decisions even if she does not agree with them.

Lastly, I tested my fiance with a tricky issue. I told her I do not like church wedding that if it was left to me I would
prefer for us to have just court wedding. Acutally we are a bit tight on finances and it would be a great idea to save as
much as we could . Surprisingly my fiance stated that "thank God it is not left to you, me I want to do church wedding".

The question I am asking myself now is if we get married and it gets to a point where we both find ourselves in a situation where
we need to make a compromise I pressume I might find it difficult getting her to make the compromise. I strongly feel
she will give me issue when it comes to authority.

I would love to be in charge of my own home. I may not have communicated the way I'd have loved to cos am rushing to type this
but for the few people who really understand my fear, do you think these fears are genuine or they are not.

Thank you very much.
[/quot
you must first understand your difference, don't think that you re the leader that you need to be ordering her around. you can't be in charge of your home alone, you both need to be in charge. in you need help.��

.

One bad general is better than two good ones, said Napoleon.

You won’t have a peaceful home if there’s a woman always second-guessing and undermining your decisions.


It is the nature of women to submit, but they only yield to the strong.

Strength doesn’t mean winning her in an argument. It means sticking to your guns even if it will piss off half the people on the planet.

Women just don’t meet a random guy on the street and submit to him.

They interact with you first, and if they find out you’re more stubborn, more difficult, more head-strong and immovable than they are, then they yield.

There can’t be two captains in a ship.

Thread for a typical African man...

Warning signs. Your being right or wrong is not the issue here. Compatibility is and obviously you have issues if only from your point of view (as we don't have your lady's side of the story here)

Point is whatever you can't handle now, don't expect to be able to handle it after marriage. Like someone said, our characters don't change after marriage. We only fine tune them.

So if you can't take it now, don't expect to take it afterwards. If she has character traits you don't like now, don't expect them to be gone after marriage. If yiu can't live with it now, you won't be able to live with it then.

@Guitarlife I'll advice you to marry someone who you not just compatible with but someone who is considerate. I foresee issues in this union unless you are ready to compromise and let things go. Your African mentality is okay but you need a lady who values them.

So take pipedream's advice cos seems he has passed through same experience.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your suggestions. While some might disagree with my position, especially women.

I am aware there is a reason we have more divorce counts today with our westernized mind set that back in the days when we were supposedly primitive.

Even the bible preaches total submission as the panacea for a fruitful marriage.

I am really careful about falling into the trap of a woman who believes she is equal to a man in the marriage .

Husband and wife are partners in marriage but not equals.

Very few will understand this .