The current hardship and hunger made possible by the government's inept and lackadaisical handling of affairs has made me to resort to food 'scavenging'.
This was why I decided to trek some kilometers to my friend's place named Mkpokoro just to have a breakfast.
As I was walking on the lonely and deserted road, I stumbled on various sacrifices comprising of Fanta, biscuits, groundnuts, lollipop and other candies that were dumped at various T-junctions.
"the gods are lucky to have escaped this hunger and starvation under Buhari" I murmured and continued my trek.

At my friend's place was a scene more like that of a kindred meeting. But on closer observation were his sister, mother, uncle, in-law and other unrecognized faces. "GUDAFUN Sirs" I threw a greeting at their direction and walked to the backyard. I was able to recognize his in-law because I still remember how I danced vigorously in front of the music speaker on the day of their traditional marriage.
Mkpokoro later joined me and I asked him what the problem is because the faces I saw pointed to that effect.
"my sister wants to divorce her husband" he replied. "no wahala, just give me the food you promised" I responded immediately after all person wey dey hungry no dey offer qualitative counseling.
As he went into the kitchen to get the food, I started having a feeling of pity for whichever food he will come out with for I already have a bad intention for it. I was figuring out how I'm going to cut a dreadful lump be it a 'swallow'.

Behold, it was a yam porridge garnished with onions and Ikot-Ekpene crayfish. It was so reddish that I asked my friend in Ezike language "ji anyi, unu no ne okpobara". It was that day that I saw reasons with the Biblical Esau for selling his birthright at the sight of yam porridge.
I was yet to start doing justice to the food before a cacophonous noise began to emanate from the front yard. The meeting has ended abruptly with the woman insisting on divorcing her husband.
As the altercations were becoming heated and degenerating in to a physical combat, I masticated my food hurriedly and asked my friend to see me later in my house.
Walking home and savoring the delicious meal I had, I stumbled on yet again a freshly dumped sacrifice that I almost stepped on.
" there's definitely a riot in the land of the spirit" I said, removed my slippers and took to my heels.

When my friend Mkpokoro visited me like I told him, I took him to nearby tarpaulin shed so we can relax and have some discussion.
Flamboyantly, I ordered for two shots of alcoholic drink( it's only the enemies that call it kai-kai and other derogatory names). I sipped it, made a face like I stepped on a mad man's feces and began asking my friend. "What did you say was the problem in your house"
He too lifted his cup/shot, poured a little on the ground, drank all the content, vibrated like he just developed epilepsy and started the explanation.

"Guy my in-law is a wicked man and I support my sister divorcing him" he said. Explaining further, he said his in-law no longer pays their younger ones school fees neither does he buy them Christmas goodies he used to buy. "We no longer benefit from the marriage and we are solidly behind her quest for divorce" he said.
"I can now see why your father named you Mkpokoro" I replied him whilst casting a disgusting glance at him.
I made it clear to him that his in-law married only his sister and not the entirety of the family.
I went on to tell him that it's the prerogative of a man to lend a helping hand to his in-laws and not an obligations he must carry out notwithstanding his financial situations.

Now feeling unsettled and disappointed, my friend said " bia Ugo don't insult me o, my sister must divorce that wicked man and marry a brand new man.
"Is your sister a brand new woman after having 6 kids in a spate of seven years?" "Wetin concern me self, let her divorce him and remarry after all it's a win-win situation for me. I will drink and eat to satisfaction on the marriage day and still return the next day for EBACHA nkwuocha" I told him albeit jokingly.

At this juncture, the alcoholic drink has started taking it's toll on us. In fact the person that fermented/manufactured it showed uncanny expertise.
"Make sure your incoming in-law brings this type of quality drink" I threw a banter at him.
He responded by saying that for the fact that he's the only surviving male in their family coupled with the fact that his father is late, that he will personally take charge of the occasion.

"Do you guys have food I'm hungry" he asked me.
"Ah you should have told me you're coming for a return match. So because I ate those solid yams in your house, you think you now have the full authority to demand food at will?" I replied him jokingly.

will be back shortly for the continuation

Following.....

Tag other members. this story looks dope

As our discussion was in top gear, I signalled Chukero the alcohol seller to serve us another ROUND of drinks.
He reached to his bottle, shook it with vigour, poured the urine-like content into our cups and rushed back to continue his discussion with Gladys his girlfriend. Gladys is a mother of four who divorced her husband and has been searching and submitting application for another husband to no avail.
There was a day I gatecrashed into a marriage function and saw her fighting her fellow woman. Upon inquiry, I was told she wanted to snatch the woman's husband.
As they fought, I saw her sagged breasts ingloriously slapping each other.

"Guy don't make your sister pass through what Gladys is passing through" I told my friend.
"My sister's case will be different, she will remarry within a spate of one month" he replied.
"You talk as if husbands are sold at Eke Ozzi market" I interrupted.
He then opened up to me that his sister has already found another man waiting at the corner for the divorce to take place.
"Ndishi nso" I echoed.
He continued by saying the man has already taken charge of their family financial responsibilities; that he even gave him #10,00 as at yesterday.
"Ah Chukero give us pork meat; I don't mean that of Marcus that deceived Nigeria and Argentina but real pork from a dirty and black African Pig" I echoed to the seller.

Chukero sweating profusely, emerged from the tarpaulin shed with a plate of pork garnished with fresh pepper and dropped it on our wooden table.
"Bia nwoke m, this one you're sweating like you're trekking the rocky road of Calvary, I hope you're not doing something unethical with that husband hunter inside there" I told him as he made to rush back to the shed like his food was burning.
I waited for him to sit down before I called him again "oga come and remove these urine-like contents here and bring us cold lager bear"
"You should have told me to bring them together na, you're distracting my attention here" he replied albeit reluctantly.
"May Ohe Imufu seal up your anus there. Permanent bachelor like you. I can see that your late father whose only achievement from Iyaji are rotten teeth and grey hairs will be better than you" I took a swipe at him.
"I don't have lager bear I only have bear like Hero and Life" he replied apologetically.
"I can see the reason your father withdrew you from school at elementary 2 and took you to Iyaji, bring the bear you have" I replied

alcmene:
Tag other members. this story looks dope

Thanks bro, will do just that

Some nairaland writers are far better than Buhari intellectually

As we were doing justice to the lager beer, Chukero the seller was so engrossed in the unwholesome service(s) rendered by her visiting girlfriend.
We savored the great taste of our new drink at least our facial expression was much better as we sipped the bear compared to what we had earlier.
"I'm already benefiting from our incoming in-law" I told my friend.
While were there drinking and exchanging banters, we started hearing the sound of music from afar. "Mkpokoro this music is from Ebuka's house, let's go and sympathize with him for the death of his great grand father"
"But he died and has been buried 4 months ago" he replied.
"It still doesn't matter, we will eat and drink to our satisfaction there" I submitted

This was how we legged it down the street of our childhood friend and within minutes we were at the funeral ground. Ebuka is from a devoted Christian family. As soon as we sat down, I realized the sky was cloudy like its about raining so I approached Ebuka.
"Didn't you guys consult the rain makers, it's about raining" I asked him.
"God forbid we visit those idolatrous rain makers, we assembled some prayer warriors for that purpose" he said while pointing at some young men and ladies seated under the canopy.
As I curiously looked at the rainmaking prayer warriors, I recognized one guy I saw coming out of the brothel with a lady on skimpy dress the previous day.
Unsure of the rainmakers holiness and ability to stop the looming rain, I asked Ebuka to give us our own food and drinks so we can eat and drink at our own time.

As soon as he handed our demands to us, we started hearing the sound of thunder accompanied with lightning. Like a whirlwind, the canopies were blown off and everyone scampered for safety.
I tightly held my food as the rain started falling and everyone running helter skelter.
As we were running home, we saw the prayer warriors perching on the wall like wall geckos and dragon fly taking shelter.
Mkpokoro ran towards the direction of their home while I ran toward mine.

continue

will be back shortly for the continuation

Welldone bro

Continuation.....

When me and my friend were running home from the scene of the failed rain stopping miracle, he told me to visit him tomorrow.
When I got to their place, behold was a gathering of people and faces that were not smiling.
Though there were drinks and garden egg on the table, no one touched it. His sister's husband could be seen nodding his head in disapproval intermittently. The divorce was to be officially carried out.
"Bia mkpokoro, so you invited me here to officiate the marriage divorce of your sister, did I tell you I'm a referee in that field?" I asked
"It's just for you to come and drink and eat" he replied.
"Did I tell you that I have a quarrel with drink that I should be drinking it on daily basis? I lashed out at him.

I resisted the undying urge of food and drinks starring me at the face and left.
On my home, fear gripped me as I met the road lonely and deserted with sacrifices dumped at various quarters. Fortunately, I saw a pick up van and I jumped into the back seat without the driver's consent. Just before we reached our house, he noticed my presence and raised an alarm.

As his voice heightened, I jumped down and headed in to the bush from where I bulldozed my way home.
I later learnt the divorce was successful and the man took custody of the kids.
Few days later, the brand new husband emerged from nowhere and asked her hand in marriage. The man was so rich that my friend had now made eating Okpa a daily affair.

I was in a deep sleep after the day hunting expedition but started hearing a loud bang on our door. The banging was so deafening that I first hid under the bed. As the banging increased, I ran out like a rodent smoked from its hideout and hid in between some sacks of kernel.
Not satisfied that I was given the maximum cover, I climbed the roof of our building and contended with lizards and rats that reacted angrily that I invaded their territory. As if bad luck was my portion, the woods of the roof had become dilapidated as a result of our leaky roofs and couldn't withstand my weight so it broke and I came crashing to the ground like I wore a punctured parachute.
"Ugo is me mkpokoro please open the door" the hand behind the bang echoed.
"Thunder fire you there, is that why you're knocking on the door as if you helped my father dig the foundation of this building? I thundered and hissed a sigh of relief.

I opened the door and nursing the pains sustained from the crash, I asked him the problem that made him visiting in the night.
"Guy there's fire on the mounting, that my new in-law is a criminal and police are after our family"

bro. Are you related to Centino. Because you write like him. Keep it up. And you just got a fan.
Oga Centino please come and check.

xaviercasmir:
bro. Are you related to Centino. Because you write like him. Keep it up. And you just got a fan.
Oga Centino please come and check.

I'm here. Okay let's take a look.

Good job man! May your ink never run dry

Oga Cowhard..carry go..we dey ya back..ride on sir

When he told me what was chasing him, I became terrified and had more reason to return to hiding. I bolted the door, formed a barricade with some sacks of kernel and hid under the bed.
"I no follow now na 5k at police station. Why do you want to drag me in to your police family affairs" I asked.
Under the bed, we were motionless like inmates of an overcrowded Nigerian prison. While we were under the bed and contending with cockroaches, we heard a nock on the door. We 'died' immediately and when it seemed the 'death' wasn't enough, Mkpokoro wiggled out of the bed, tiptoed into the inner room and dipped himself inside a drum of oil that was to be sold the next day.
"Bia if the buyer says the oil tastes somehow, I will deal with you" I told him in a low tone.

At this juncture, all the possible hiding places have been exhausted so I summoned a rare courage to question the person knocking at door.
Like a tenant that just renewed his house rent, I asked "who's knocking on my door like that; are you mad, do you want to pull down the poor door?"
"Ugo it's me Jama" echoed a voice from outside. Jama is recovering from mental illness and lives in the neighborhood. Their family is credited with the ignominious record of having an ancestral mental illness. Jama's grandfather was known for occasionally requesting the person that made away with his manhood hung outside to return it.

"Ugo please give me some salt" Jama said
Not convinced that he has fully recovered, I refused to open the door and started some questioning.
"Are you sure you need only salt; what of oil, maggi, onions, crayfish, and most importantly pot?" When did you return from your vacation(psychiatric hospital). Do you have any knife with you so I can kill this snake I'm holding "

After much questioning, I became convinced that he's harmless so I pushed the barricades away, opened the door and gave him the salt.
At this juncture, I've forgotten I have a visitor who's ingloriously taking refuge inside a drum of oil.

xaviercasmir:
bro. Are you related to Centino. Because you write like him. Keep it up. And you just got a fan.
Oga Centino please come and check.

Lol...I'm not bro though wish to be another centino

AvatarMode:
Oga Cowhard..carry go..we dey ya back..ride on sir

Continuation.....

CowHard:




Lol...I'm not bro though wish to be another centino

ooopss sorry about the misconception. Just a few typos, apart from that you are good. As for you being Oga Centino, you will if you just keep your readers imaginations restless. Keep it up

xaviercasmir:

ooopss sorry about the misconception. Just a few typos, apart from that you are good. As for you being Oga Centino, you will if you just keep your readers imaginations restless. Keep it up

Thanks bro

Here I pitch my tent.... Big ups to u CowHard. ..Centino come and welcome ur broda oo

sabbiboi:
Here I pitch my tent.... Big ups to u CowHard. ..Centino come and welcome ur broda oo

Thanks man

Let me register present here. I have arrived.


check my SIGNATURE.

CowHard, how often should we expect updates?!

Very intelligent and educating post,really took my time to read every single line.am a fan of interesting post like this.pleaase complete it oo.weldone cowhard.

I see nice stories on Nairaland a lot in truth I have adapted some thoughts from some of them. Why don't we script this stories for production or negotiate on terms for production.

Lovruemu:
Very intelligent and educating post,really took my time to read every single line.am a fan of interesting post like this.pleaase complete it oo.weldone cowhard.

Definitely, I will.... Thanks

Let see how it goes. But I hate short updates. You will mistake it for a comment.

Op, try to make your update longer.

ISE!!!

Centino:
Good job man! May your ink never run dry