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The Divorcé Woman - Literature (2) - Nairaland

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Re: The Divorcé Woman by avrigge2345: 10:15am On Jun 28, 2018
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Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 1:33pm On Jun 28, 2018
Continuation
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 1:35pm On Jun 28, 2018
My friend passed the night inside the drum and came out almost congealed in the morning.
"Ugo give me detergent to wash my clothes and take my bathe" he said.
"You are talking of taking your bathe and washing your clothes as if your family has reached a ceasefire agreement with the police" I replied.
"By the way, the small detergent left is the one I will be using to wash my slippers. You know today is our masquerade festival day and I can't afford to grace the event with a dirty footwear" I further explained.
Even if I had a carton of detergent, I wasn't going to give him any. When he was busy munching Okpa and receiving cheers from some fun-seeking ladies at the village square, he didn't invite me.

"Ugo what are we going to eat na, I'm hungry" mpkokoro asked while yawning awkwardly like a slay queen off the camera. I immediately casted a warning glance at him and asked him to 'come and be going'
As the sun shined, he oozed out oil like a pork being smoked under the sun.
I went to their house later to see things for myself and met a family in regret. One funny thing was that when I knocked on their rusty gate, they all scampered for safety via the back gate.
As the divorcé woman was running with her palms enclosing her breast, I saw her loose and extra large buttocks shaking and dancing ingloriously. The buttocks were obviously passing the information that they are tired of being smacked by varying hardened palms.
Their mother limped and wobbled as a result of rheumatism. Mkpokoro though taking the lead in the race, galloped like Nuer the German goalkeeper returning from a failed overlapping sojourn.

Satisfied with the unsolicited entertainment, I shouted and told them I was the one.
Shamefully and in an attempt to cover up, the divorcé woman said they were jogging to keep fit; unknown to her that her brother has disclosed everything to me.
"Ah!! the jogging must be on the order of the Aba Python dance commander" I jokingly remarked.
Still fidgeting in fear, Mkpokoro took me to a mango tree and requested we should climb, rest and eat some mangoes. I knew it was a calculated tactic to signal his family to flee should the police show up. So we climbed up and while resting on a conjoined parts of the mango tree, I grabbed a big, ripe and fresh mango, cleaned it on my clothes, bit a mouthful of it and started asking him question.
Our stay atop the mango tree was however short lived as soldier ants took it upon themselves to evict us from their territory.
Re: The Divorcé Woman by Pablo95(m): 2:13pm On Jun 28, 2018
My chest is paining me....please update asap
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 2:33pm On Jun 28, 2018
Pablo95:
My chest is paining me....please update asap

.Wetin do you for chest bro?
Re: The Divorcé Woman by YINKS89(m): 3:00pm On Jun 28, 2018
i don arrive....let d update kip komin
Re: The Divorcé Woman by Pablo95(m): 4:49pm On Jun 28, 2018
CowHard:


.Wetin do you for chest bro?

You wan kill person with this ur funny story... i use God beg u bro, pls update or is dat d end ?
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 5:17pm On Jun 28, 2018
Pablo95:

You wan kill person with this ur funny story... i use God beg u bro, pls update or is dat d end ?


End ke....I just dey start the story
Re: The Divorcé Woman by alcmene: 7:12pm On Jun 28, 2018
Bro continue we are waiting
Re: The Divorcé Woman by Pablo95(m): 7:53pm On Jun 28, 2018
CowHard:


End ke....I just dey start the story
You too bam.......oya oya update i get gift for u tho buh make we gather see am till end ! i dey gbadun u
Re: The Divorcé Woman by Pablo95(m): 7:56pm On Jun 28, 2018
.
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 9:45pm On Jun 28, 2018
When we left the mango tree, we headed straight to my house(my father's house anyway). At home, mum has returned from the market and prepared Aribo and ohoyi(draw soup). He quickly served us and made to ask what happened to the oil in the drum and I quickly waved at her to come later after we might have done eating.
Mkpokoro was still washing his hand when I had already cut a dreadful lump of Aribo, dipped it in the soup, turned it round so the soup can touch all the parts for lubrication and easy passage and journey down the throat. The lump was so big that I had to place my left hand under as I directed it to the direction of my mouth that has been wide open in anticipation.
The swallowing was accompanied with an awkward and embarrassing sound from the throat that made me reduce the subsequent ones.

"Bia I will personally inform the police that you're here if you dare touch the fish again" I said as I noticed that my friend was stylishly going after the fishes in the soup.
When we finished eating, he started explaining everything to me; that his new in-law is a kidnapper and an armed robber.
I made it clear to him that I never supported divorce on the flimsy excuse of not meeting the family financial needs.
"So what's your sister's stand now, is she going to divorce the new one again and seek greener pasture elsewhere" I asked.
"She's returning to her former husband" he replied.
As we were discussing, a man named Alexander entered the compound with his hands folded at the back. "Oga Alexander welcome" I echoed.
"Children of nowadays, my name is Elegi and not that thing you just called me" he replied
"Oga, Elegi is the shortened and corrupted version of Alexander" I made to explain.
"Shut up you disrespectful kids, Elegi is what I've been called since the white Rev father gave us this names" he interrupted.

"I have come to warn you to steer clear from my daughter Chinasa" he said.
Chinasa her daughter is my classmate in primary school and was known for always smelling of crayfish. She's fat and had the habit of farting in the classroom at will.
There was a day she farted and was dismayed at the loudness of her own fart . The fart was so noisy and accompanied with vibrations that made the male among us scale the wall of the classroom in a bid to escape the impending catastrophic stench.

1 Like

Re: The Divorcé Woman by Pablo95(m): 10:31pm On Jun 28, 2018
Baba ur update too slow....
no be dis kain tori person fit comot mind....u for no start d tori wen u knw say d update neva complete
i no dey gbadun dis kain tin
#addicted to d story tho !
Re: The Divorcé Woman by Arcimmortalgold: 6:18am On Jun 29, 2018
Classic.. COWHEAD MORE INSPIRATION TO UR COWHEAD JARE... U r too good brother.. Ride on
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 7:52am On Jun 29, 2018
"Oga Alexander which of your daughter are you talking about?" I asked.
"Is it Chinasa that's fat and farts uncontrollably?" I continued.
"I have warned you little boy because if you get her pregnant, I'm not going to take it lightly with you" he replied and made to leave.
"And how sure are you that your daughter is fertile and can get pregnant because despite her unwholesome activities with many guys, she's yet to miss anything" I interrupted.
At this point mkpokoro my friend was starring at me with mouth agape.
"Hey oga stop starring at me that way, its better to get someone's daughter pregnant than to be a fugitive like you" I told him.
"Ugo stop making caricature of my predicament" he murmured.
At this juncture, my mother came to collect the plates and asked "what did you say happened to the oil in the drum for it's now sticky and smells somehow"

"Mama can you imagine, I saw a heavily bearded he-goat inside the drum. The goat was bleating meh meh meh and I took pity on it and went to it's rescue" I replied.
"But how can a goat find it's way in to the inner room to jump inside a standing drum of oil" mama inquired.
"You don't know goat of nowadays mama, do you know that Mkpokoro said he saw one he-goat sexually assaulting a heavily pregnant she-goat on his way coming" I told mama.
At this point, my friend was motionless, blinking his eyes fiercely and starring at the sky.
Mother hasn't been around for the past two weeks. She went to stay with her sister that gave birth to a third consecutive sets of female triplets only for the husband to run away.
"Mama forget about the mysterious goat, how's your sister and her babies" I asked and made to divert her attention.

"She's fine despite the action of her irresponsible husband" she replied and left with plates.
"Have you seen how you make me lie like Lai Mohammed?" I asked my friend.
"Don't worry Ugo, I will buy enough pork when we go out today" he replied.
That was how we left for Chukero's shop and at his shop I requested for two plates of pork.
"Oga get me the genital areas" I told the seller as he dropped the plates on our table.
"What are you doing with pig genital areas" asked Chukero
"Since Marcus the pig decided to fool Nigerians, I have decided to be eating their genitals irrespective of gender in retaliation" I submitted.
Re: The Divorcé Woman by Lizilicious(f): 10:25am On Jun 29, 2018
This story is hilarious...
Wehdone Cowhead
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 10:40am On Jun 29, 2018
Pablo95:
Baba ur update too slow....
no be dis kain tori person fit comot mind....u for no start d tori wen u knw say d update neva complete
i no dey gbadun dis kain tin
#addicted to d story tho !

No vex bro...work and stress no free person
Re: The Divorcé Woman by BuariCopyPaste: 4:28pm On Jun 29, 2018
Continue bro....dope and funny story
Re: The Divorcé Woman by EvangelOdoyi: 4:34pm On Jun 29, 2018
I'm loving this, ride on please...
Re: The Divorcé Woman by BuariCopyPaste: 5:08pm On Jun 29, 2018
The guy is just too slow in update
Re: The Divorcé Woman by akpota(m): 9:22pm On Jun 29, 2018
Bros abeg post the update. I am loving this. Please I would appreciate If you drop your whatsapp number
Re: The Divorcé Woman by hollawuyi2013(m): 10:29pm On Jun 29, 2018
You never still copy & paste this remaining sweet story?
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 6:51am On Jun 30, 2018
hollawuyi2013:
You never still copy & paste this remaining sweet story?


Why don't you copy and paste it here since the source I'm copying from
Re: The Divorcé Woman by hollawuyi2013(m): 9:06am On Jun 30, 2018
Send the remaining story ooooooooooooooo + ur account details mak I do something.
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 2:39pm On Jun 30, 2018
Continuation..... sorry about the slow update
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 2:41pm On Jun 30, 2018
At Chukero's shop, I majestically disintegrated the pork(genital areas) at the dismay of onlookers and my friend Mpokoro.
Which other way can I exact vengeance on the mystic Pig if not to further debase the already debased pork. While other meats were neatly put in the show glass, the pork was left open on a flat basket at the mercy of dust and flies.
"Ugo advise me on what to do concerning my sister and her criminal husband" my friend said.
"Nnaa, I'm your special adviser on civil matters not criminal and military matters" .
"Is it because I harboured you inside our drum and hid under the bed the other day, you think I will share the consequences with you" I asked.
As we were discussing, a police hilux van stopped and parked in front of the shop we were seated.
My friend made to run but I stopped him and told him to be calm that police is our friend after all.

As the policeman walked in to the shop, we looked elsewhere and remained speechless.
"Hey give me #50 hot drink; shake the bottle well well" said the policeman to the seller.
He sat in opposing position, removed his cap and placed it on his knee, brought out a snuff from his pocket and began conveying the contents in to the nostrils.
"This is a wicked combination and the transmitting transfusion the IG talked about" I murmured as he vibrated upon sipping the hot drink after depositing a large quantity of snuff in to his dark and hairy nostrils.
"Young men this one you guys are speechless, I hope you're not harbouring Indian hemps in your pocket" the policeman told us.
"Ah oga check my pocket, it's only #25 balance from the sugar I bought for my mother I have there" I echoed and made to leave.
"Na me dey pursue una?" Asked the policeman.
"Nooo, we have maximum respect for the police so it's an act of disrespect for us to seat and watch you enjoy your money in pains" I replied

"And who told you I'm in pains" he interrupted
"Its your facial expression sir" I replied.
"Ah kids, that's an ecstatic feeling associated with snuff" he retorted.
"But the face I saw is more like that of a he-goat held by the testicles in preparation for castration" I submitted
Sounding enraged, the policeman thundered "what nonsense are you talking about?"
Sensing danger and already in fear, I told my friend that we better get out of this place.
I quickly doled out a mild slap on my friend and took to my heels.
Fortunately, mkpokoro understood and ran after me.
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 2:43pm On Jun 30, 2018
hollawuyi2013:
Send the remaining story ooooooooooooooo + ur account details mak I do something.


updated
Re: The Divorcé Woman by hollawuyi2013(m): 4:16pm On Jun 30, 2018
Please upload everything bro.......Time no dey.....e dey sweet me o.
Re: The Divorcé Woman by Youngzubi(m): 12:01am On Jul 01, 2018
nice story keep it up,more please
Re: The Divorcé Woman by akpota(m): 12:30am On Jul 01, 2018
Happy New Month bros. I truly enjoy your writing style. Comedy story. Please abeg update the story.
please drop your whatsapp digit sir.
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 8:17am On Jul 01, 2018
"Why did you decide to run away from that shop like that na?" Mkpokoro asked.
"So you never hear that voom ka mma karia statement" I replied.
"Besides accidental discharge may occur and I wouldn't like to die from a bullet wound" I explained further.
I then told him that its high time they reach out to her sister's 'original' husband for forgiveness and reunion for we can't continue to be running like we are preparing for the summer Olympics.
He promised that he will discuss it with his family when we get home.
The next day I went to his house to know the extent they have gone with the discussion. I decided not to knock on the gate to avoid a repetition of the disgraceful run.

For the first time ever, my friend's mother welcomed me with cheers.
"You're more or less a member of this family, please advise us on the best way to approach this case" the mother said.
She continued "since my husband died, we have been making many unpopular decisions as a result of lack of a male figure to guide us"
"My husband's relatives have all abandoned us to our fate; my family has gone astray"
At this point, the woman has started sobbing and I almost joined but remembered I'm a man and held back tears.
"Mama what's your daughter's position on the issue; is she willing to apologize to her husband and return to his home? I asked.
"My son, she has no option and the family's agreement is for her to reunite with him and we have decided to approach my husband's relatives to accompany us to her husband's house for apology" she replied.

"Mama, it's the duty of your daughter to make the first move and not that of your husband's relatives" I told her
"You women have this uncanny way of making the strongest heart melt like an ice. Your daughter should approach him privately and should continue doing until he gives her audience because the man will possibly snub her at the initial stage" I said at the admiration of the woman.
Continuing, I said"we also need to back up this program with prayers and fasting to avoid the enemies spoiling the whole thing. Mama you people should fast from 6am-3pm and do midnight prayers for seven days while I fast from 6am-9am"
Mkpokoro's mother thanked me so much and asked her daughter to give me food. It was Akpu and egwusi soup and I enjoyed it.
"Lower your voices while praying in the midnight to avoid attracting the Neighborhood watch security" I told them as I made to leave.
Re: The Divorcé Woman by CowHard: 8:19am On Jul 01, 2018
akpota:
Happy New Month bros. I truly enjoy your writing style. Comedy story. Please abeg update the story.
please drop your whatsapp digit sir.
Happy new month you too bro...07065084399

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