Hi everybody!

I come from a country in Europe, I am married to a Nigerian man. We have a son (1 year old).
I wonder what happens with our child if I and my husband get divorced. Should I be afraid to let him take our son to Nigeria in the future? I mean, are there laws in Nigeria saying that the child automatically belongs to the father? (As it is in some countries).
In the country where we live now the law says we will have shared custody if we both want it.

How is it in Nigeria?

And what if my husband hides our son somewhere in Nigeria, will the Nigerian state be willing to help finding my son? Or are they oing to protect the father?

(This is a worst-case-scenario that I hope never will happen, but I have to ask anyway, )

Are you planning on divorcing your husband?

The legal system concerning kids are the same in Nigeria. But the law favor women here for costody. I'm sure everywhere it favors women. But don't ever wish for such to happen, don't even think of it. . . Because it might just happen.

African_queen:

The legal system concerning kids are the same in Nigeria. But the law favor women here for costody. I'm sure everywhere it favors women. But don't ever wish for such to happen, don't even think of it. . . Because it might just happen.

Only when the kids are below Six(6) in age.

Sanja:

Hi everybody!

I come from a country in Europe, I am married to a Nigerian man. We have a son (1 year old).
I wonder what happens with our child if I and my husband get divorced. Should I be afraid to let him take our son to Nigeria in the future? I mean, are there laws in Nigeria saying that the child automatically belongs to the father? (As it is in some countries).
In the country where we live now the law says we will have shared custody if we both want it.
How is it in Nigeria?

And what if my husband hides our son somewhere in Nigeria, will the Nigerian state be willing to help finding my son? Or are they oing to protect the father?

(This is a worst-case-scenario that I hope never will happen, but I have to ask anyway, )

I just have one question for you, do you not trust your husband? Do you think that he'll not have your son's interests at heart should you people split up. I don't think there's a parent that will keep their child away from another parent, unless if that parent is incompetent and unfit,

u should be more worried if your man is from Turkey/Albania/Arab. .nigerian men don't have time 4 that.
D cripo, will surely catch him if he runs away with your child. .i guess u r from Germany.

nigerbobo:

Only when the kids are below Six(6) in age.

whatever age except 18 then the child is considered an adult. . . Are u a lawyer?

My dear, dont let your hubby take your kid away from you if/when you divorce(God forbid) because if he is well connected(in Naija it means if he is loaded with money), he can disappear with your kid into 'thin' air and the legal system will not even remember there is any such person as your hubby in their register of citizens(if we possess any such record) talk less of finding your child for you.

Is the child old enough to speak out for himself if he is abused? I recently read in a related forum about the ill that befalls a child when parents separate and the kid lives away from either of the parents. Its appalling and to protect the interest of the child, when parents decide they can no longer live together, the welfare of the child should be mutually agreed upon by the parents before separating. This is better done before bitterness sets in and the kid is used as a weapon of punishment from one parent to another.

check out this abuse story in this link under 'Stories About Children From the World's Most Popular Media' in http://www.nigerianparentsforum.com
It is shocking and outrageous!

28Schweet:

I just have one question for you, do you not trust your husband? Do you think that he'll not have your son's interests at heart should you people split up. I don't think there's a parent that will keep their child away from another parent, unless if that parent is incompetent and unfit,

We have already decided to split up. We have given our relationship so many "last chances", but it seems like it is not working out! We are even going to couples counselling now, but don't know if it helps. The problem is that my man is treathning me by saying that he will make sure that our son is going to be with only him in the future.

smartmom:

My dear, dont let your hubby take your kid away from you if/when you divorce(God forbid) because if he is well connected(in Naija it means if he is loaded with money), he can disappear with your kid into 'thin' air and the legal system will not even remember there is any such person as your hubby in their register of citizens(if we possess any such record) talk less of finding your child for you.

He doesnt have much money (but he is not poor either), but he has contacts and much people that are willing to do obey everything he says. Therefore I am scared of what would happen if we get divorced and he wants to take our son to Nigeria.

mama_mia:

Is the child old enough to speak out for himself if he is abused?

He is 1 year old. We both care very much for him and would never hurt him! My husband cares so much for the boy that he can do or say whatever mean things to me when he is worried for the child.
But our quarrels probably hurts the child in a psychological way. Not nice to hear ones parents screem at each other.

smartmom:

My dear, dont let your hubby take your kid away from you if/when you divorce(God forbid) because if he is well connected(in Naija it means if he is loaded with money), he can disappear with your kid into 'thin' air and the legal system will not even remember there is any such person as your hubby in their register of citizens(if we possess any such record) talk less of finding your child for you.

Hahaha!dissapear ke!not with a german child!

^ I have never said I am German, by the way,
It was someone else who said that.

^^where r u from?

I will not tell because I dont want anyone recognizing me. (Even tough I know chances are quite small anyone would, but anyway, )
I am from one of the Nordic countries. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nordic_countries

The odds are against you in Nigeria . . simply because he could hide the boy and you or the police would never know where he is.

And same as I'm sure your family will do, his family will do everything to prevent you from taking the boy away.

Goodluck with your councelling.

You mentioned your quarrels probably hurts the child in a psychological way - Imagine if you were miles apart.

Sanja:

I will not tell because I dont want anyone recognizing me. (Even tough I know chances are quite small anyone would, but anyway, )
I am from one of the Nordic countries. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nordic_countries

That's ur problem. .deal with it.

Sanja:

We have already decided to split up. We have given our relationship so many "last chances", but it seems like it is not working out! We are even going to couples counselling now, but don't know if it helps. The problem is that my man is treathning me by saying that he will make sure that our son is going to be with only him in the future.

He doesnt have much money (but he is not poor either), but he has contacts and much people that are willing to do obey everything he says. Therefore I am scared of what would happen if we get divorced and he wants to take our son to Nigeria.


He is 1 year old. We both care very much for him and would never hurt him! My husband cares so much for the boy that he can do or say whatever mean things to me when he is worried for the child.
But our quarrels probably hurts the child in a psychological way. Not nice to hear ones parents screem at each other.

Well its not over untill its over. . . One thing I know for sure is Nigerians either male nor female we don't leave our own behind. . . Just be wise in ur doings. . .

gregejige:

The odds are against you in Nigeria . . simply because he could hide the boy and you or the police would never know where he is.

And same as I'm sure your family will do, his family will do everything to prevent you from taking the boy away.


You mentioned your quarrels probably hurts the child in a psychological way - Imagine if you were miles apart.

I would NEVER take the boy away from his father! I just think it would be better for everyone if we separated. But does it mean you have to be enemies because you have separated? Not in my opinion! I would like us to have shared custody and the boy would be as much with my husband as he is with me.
My husband, on the other hand, cant handle this in a mature way. He is just screaming and swearing at me. Telling me Im a witch and that he will make sure the boy stays with him,
Well, lately he has calmed down a little and says he agrees on that the best for the boy is to have close contact to both of us. I just dont know if he is lying and trying to manipulate me in some way,

(I don't understand what you are trying to say in your last sentence. )

Sanja:

We have already decided to split up. We have given our relationship so many "last chances", but it seems like it is not working out! We are even going to couples counselling now, but don't know if it helps. The problem is that my man is treathning me by saying that he will make sure that our son is going to be with only him in the future.

He doesnt have much money (but he is not poor either), but he has contacts and much people that are willing to do obey everything he says. Therefore I am scared of what would happen if we get divorced and he wants to take our son to Nigeria.


He is 1 year old. We both care very much for him and would never hurt him! My husband cares so much for the boy that he can do or say whatever mean things to me when he is worried for the child.
But our quarrels probably hurts the child in a psychological way. Not nice to hear ones parents screem at each other.

Well its not over untill its over. . . One thing I know for sure is Nigerians either male nor female we don't leave our own behind. . . Just be wise in ur doings. . .

If he has already made threats my advice is do not let his father take him anywhere. Most importantly make sure your child's passport is listed on the "lookout" database. He will not be able to take the child unless you give your authorization to do so. Protect your child.

Sanja:

I would NEVER take the boy away from his father! I just think it would be better for everyone if we separated. But does it mean you have to be enemies because you have separated? Not in my opinion! I would like us to have shared custody and the boy would be as much with my husband as he is with me.
My husband, on the other hand, cant handle this in a mature way. He is just screaming and swearing at me. Telling me Im a witch and that he will make sure the boy stays with him,
Well, lately he has calmed down a little and says he agrees on that the best for the boy is to have close contact to both of us. I just dont know if he is lying and trying to manipulate me in some way,

(I don't understand what you are trying to say in your last sentence. )

I'm sorry to ask this but, are you a witch? I think you two should put pride and arrogance aside for the interest of this boy .
I hate to see husband and wife competing among themselves.

Igwe.:

I'm sorry to ask this but, are you a witch? I think you two should put pride and arrogance aside for the interest of this boy .
I hate to see husband and wife competing among themselves.

Do you mean if Im a real witch or if Im just mean/evil/crazy? ( I have actually never understood this expression that my husband uses, but I guess it is a quite commom expression over there?!

I try to respect my husband as much as I can, but it is getting more and more difficult to live in the same house as him. He wants to control me and everything I do, he has said he will beat me if I "misbehave" and so on. He says I can speak my mind and tell my opinion, but when I do he becomes very mad. I just dont like being around him anymore. He , on the other hand, probably thinks I dont respect him enough. I know it is quite common among nigerians (at least those living here) to demand respect from their wives, but I have learnt since childhood that the man and the woman should respect each other equally.

I dont know if this gave you an answer, ?

A lot of times when Nigerian men feel like they are losing control they start to imagine things eg that their wives are witches LOL. My best friend and I were just talking about this today. A man was telling people that his wife was a witch forgetting that she brought him from Nigeria and put him through school. Now he wants to move on so he decides that she is a witch LOL. I tire

Sanja:


He , on the other hand, probably thinks I dont respect him enough. I know it is quite common among nigerians (at least those living here) to demand respect from their wives, but I have learnt since childhood that the man and the woman should respect each other equally.

I dont know if this gave you an answer, ?

It depends on what u mean by "respect". .is he dat bad?

Majority Nigerian men think their wives are witches. . . That doesn't mean they re evil. . . Its just a common phrase they use

@ Poster; your story could read like mine, the fear and the uncertainty, but at the end of the day you must do what's right for your son and YOUR FAMILY (the three of you), are your quarrels with your husband about the love you have for one another or about everyday issues that can be worked if only one of you could just 'give in'.

I'm married to a nigerian man who practices Islam (u can just imagine how tough I have it), although he's not that staunch muslim, he's a through and through nigerian who expects to be the head (protector, provider, leader, buck stops with me) of the home and house. Until you stop fighting this, you are always going to have quarrels. I has taken me 7 months of separation to figure this out, when he asks for you to respect him, your husband is not asking you to be submissive, but he's asking you to trust his judgement.

The problem that we 'westernized' women have; is that, we like to know the when, how, why and if it doesn't make sense to us, we wont go along with it, all your man wants you to do is agree and let him take responsibility for whatever outcome of his decisions (even though, they involve your family),

How different is your husband from when you people didn't have a BOY CHILD, to what he is now. Before the kids, my husband was okay to let certain things slide, but after I become WIFE AND MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, the goal posts shifted, because believe it or not, the kids take the lead from you (the mother) about how the father should be treated, especially if they spend most of the time with you, so if you talk back, they'll talk back, if you are snotty, they'll be snotty. Parents should always be a united front in front of their kids.

Just for your information, couples counselling is not going to work, if you both think the other is wrong in their thinking.
I could e-mail you a book, titled, Fascinating Womanhood, or you can google it, to help you on your way.

A split isn't as easy as it sounds, even if being together makes it a better option.

@28Schweet thank you very much for all the pains it took for your explaination and advice. You are a real woman who understand what it takes to marry an average Nigerian man. I pray that God should strengthen you and your family so that you make a better marriage that people could copy.

@Poster, divorce isn't the solution to your problem. You need to put off your ego. An average Nigerian man wants to take full control of his househood that is our culture whether right or wrong is a different ball game. If you can allow him takes full responsibilities I promise you will reap the reward (28Schweet can confirm). You may misunderstand that hence you demanded divorce. No Nigerian man wants to marry a woman that is not submissive. If you have agreed to marry him then you dont need to introduce much of the European culture into your marriage as that may not always work. Ask youself, how come in spite of this wonderful European culture that most woman crave, statistics showed that higher divorce rate and unhappy marriage in the western culture. African culture takes the upper hand in marriage because it is for better or for worse.

A typical African lady will stick for the husband irrespective of the financial, health changes but its not like that in western world. I advise you put off your ego and marry the young man as this the best way for you.

@ Poster; your story could read like mine, the fear and the uncertainty, but at the end of the day you must do what's right for your son and YOUR FAMILY (the three of you), are your quarrels with your husband about the love you have for one another or about everyday issues that can be worked if only one of you could just 'give in'.

I'm married to a nigerian man who practices Islam (u can just imagine how tough I have it), although he's not that staunch muslim, he's a through and through nigerian who expects to be the head (protector, provider, leader, buck stops with me) of the home and house. Until you stop fighting this, you are always going to have quarrels. I has taken me 7 months of separation to figure this out, when he asks for you to respect him, your husband is not asking you to be submissive, but he's asking you to trust his judgement.

The problem that we 'westernized' women have; is that, we like to know the when, how, why and if it doesn't make sense to us, we wont go along with it, all your man wants you to do is agree and let him take responsibility for whatever outcome of his decisions (even though, they involve your family),

How different is your husband from when you people didn't have a BOY CHILD, to what he is now. Before the kids, my husband was okay to let certain things slide, but after I become WIFE AND MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, the goal posts shifted, because believe it or not, the kids take the lead from you (the mother) about how the father should be treated, especially if they spend most of the time with you, so if you talk back, they'll talk back, if you are snotty, they'll be snotty. Parents should always be a united front in front of their kids.

Just for your information, couples counselling is not going to work, if you both think the other is wrong in their thinking

That is exactly what I wanted to say!

I'm also european, married to a nigerian man, with a baby,  And we struggled A LOT on that issue during our 1st year of marriage. He wanted my respect (which I considered submission), I wanted his care (which I called respect). Until someday, I finally just accepted to give a try to his own way,  and it worked ! We have never been so happy together, and I've actually discovered so many qualities from my husband that I didn't know about. He is caring, loving and much more mature than me when it comes to leading the home and family. He always listens to me and take my opinion into consideration, sometimes he even lets me decide, because he knows that I would follow him if he was making the decision himself.

I find our relationship very different from one with a european man, who would expect the woman to step up and take responsibilities in providing/leading the home,  and who sometimes end up treating us like their moms  At least, my husband is a real man, who can ask for help but doesn't need me to make decision or keep the home running if I am away.

Before you consider divorce, and for the sake of your child, please, try the same thing I did: just give in,  Accept his way of doing and trust him. Imagine that you are blindfolded and that he's leading you,  If you can't trust your life partner for that, then who would you trust?!

Give yourselves a few months and do your best to behave the way he wants you too,  He might get softer as he sees you accepting his ways, and you might find that you like his way of leading the marriage.

Please, give it a real try,  I know so many marriages that broke up because of lack of tolerance rather than lack of love, it's such a waste,

^^ U got some sense. .submission is a good thing.

boy1:

^^ U got some sense. .submission is a good thing.

Yeah am sure you will agree with the submission idea. Suits you the guys well. Hope you also agree with the taking the lead and all responsibility part too?

I never have seen a Nigerian Men, how is willing to feed a kid or pay school fee for it, if it is not his own and the mother is faithfull and obedient to him. No one wishes to feed an extra mouths !!! Children belongs to there mothers and europan children are mostly seen as White or mixed raise.
Why on earths bring them to Nigerian, if you have a full functioning wellfair state in the western world.

Nigerian Men will just start all over again, if you get divorced new wife, new set of kids, new house and new care.
They will not care for you anymore and they will not pay anything for your kids.

They might have an interested on the kiddo as long as they might need to for the stick of there stay in the western world.

Do not let anybody fool you!

Nigeria is not a middle east county!

So many woman down in Nigeria have to bag and lay in the dust or on there knees before Baba takes (good) care for omo.

Nigerian Men Na wa ooo !!!