I recently got engaged to my Bf of 4 years and it’s a dream come true for me.

The problem is that he hates his mother with a passion.  She is very wealthy/influential, intelligent and hard-working but my fiancée can’t stand her. Even though we live in the same town, he NEVER visits her.  While we were dating I never met her but it didn’t bother me because we were just dating. But I had to meet her recently after we got engaged since we were making wedding plans and both families need to meet. Honestly, she seemed sweet and nice and I can’t think of any reason why my fiancé can’t love her like a son should a mother.

I confronted him and he gave me  vague excuses like: she’s too  hard hearted, she’s not a good woman, she’s not a good mother, he didn’t grow up at home so he’s not close to her bla bla bla. But I have a feeling it’s more than that! He even said it’s for my own good; at least she won’t bother us in our marriage. Imagine!

I come from very close-knit family and my parents are the centre of my world. I thought it should be same with him because his father is even late, but that is not the case at all. Infact his hatred for his mother made him to keep his whole siblings at arms length.

I’m confused and worried.  Does my husband-to-be have a problem that I do not know about? Is it affecting him psychologically? Will it affect our children? Is there something I do not know about this family I'm becoming a part of?   

_{PS: You guys can spare the whole 'Uju are you getting married?' questions cos this post is not about me!} 

u should ask questions before getting married to him. just do ur homework well.

Ujujoan:

I recently got engaged to my Bf of 4 years and it’s a dream come true for me.

The problem is that he hates his mother with a passion.  She is very wealthy/influential, intelligent and hard-working but my fiancée can’t stand her. Even though we live in the same town, he NEVER visits her.  While we were dating I never met her but it didn’t bother me because we were just dating. But I had to meet her recently after we got engaged since we were making wedding plans and both families need to meet. Honestly, she seemed sweet and nice and I can’t think of any reason why my fiancé can’t love her like a son should a mother.

I confronted him and he gave me  vague excuses like: she’s too  hard hearted, she’s not a good woman, she’s not a good mother, he didn’t grow up at home so he’s not close to her bla bla bla. But I have a feeling it’s more than that! He even said it’s for my own good; at least she won’t bother us in our marriage. Imagine!

I come from very close-knit family and my parents are the centre of my world. I thought it should be same with him because his father is even late, but that is not the case at all. Infact his hatred for his mother made him to keep his whole siblings at arms length.

I’m confused and worried.  Does my husband-to-be have a problem that I do not know about? Is it affecting him psychologically? Will it affect our children? Is there something I do not know about this family I'm becoming a part of?   

_{PS: You guys can spare the whole 'Uju are you getting married?' questions cos this post is not about me!} 

It might be a abandonment issue. My husband feels exactly the same way about his mum, She left him with his dad at age 4 and did not show up again until he was almost 20 years old. For a child it is a very difficult and traumatic event. it took a while and a lot of intervention from me to make things at least a little better (it took a while too). BTW his father is late too.

So I would say, give it sometime time till you find out the root cause of the matter. then as his wife, you might find ways to begin the healing and maybe mend some bridges.

Shalom

First try to study him and pet him so dat he will open up 4 u.
wen u lent him know the reality dat wat ever d case may the women will still be his mother cannot be replace.
persuade him 2 4give his mother. pray will lead u true.

Be sure to get to know the root of the problem before going ahead with the marraige plans
men could be very gullable, his enemy of a mother could turn out to be his best friends 2morrow and u will be
in the middle of it all.

Be careful

I see two sides to this matter. On the one hand, it could be that as Tee kay above wrote, he could be hurt by something the mother did to him in the past. Perhaps she neglected him or maltreated him or something. He's obviously finding it difficult to forgive her over this and has thus carried on in bitterness. I guess he's trying to punish her by effectively shutting her out of his life. If this' the case, there's hardly anything you can do to undo the past. Just steer your hubby along the path of forgiveness and acceptance of the things he cannot change. Bitterness and unforgiveness are two emotions that can destroy people  both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, it could be that he's an overly sensitive young man, and perhaps the mother did not take care to manage his sensitivity such that he withdrew from her and other people. I say this, cos from your post, you said his other siblings seem to be ok with their mum, and in fact, he's not even close to any one of them. Hmmnnn. I would advise caution in this relationship until you're able to prove that all this is just a case of mother-child neglect. Otherwise, he could very well be a difficult person to get along with.

My take on this is that you should probe deeper and not take anything at face value. Find out from him what happened to bring this negative emotion in him. You could start by asking him questions. If you feel you're not making a headway here, you could try and find out things from his siblings. But please, discretion is the watchword here; remember, you're still trying to protect both your husband-to-be, as well as your marriage. If you find out that what he alleges is true, then you have to be wise in the way you handle the whole thing.

Draw closer to your hubby and try all you can to gain his confidence. Slowly, but surely, he'll trust you enough to gradually begin to confide in you, and consequently begin to release his bitterness towards his mother. Remember, confession always brings a release.

Never for one day believe that the current situation is 'good riddance to bad future problem, ' This kind of problem has a way of playing itself out such that you find yourself with the short end of the stick in future, which could ruin your union. I mean, a man who finds it difficult to forgive his mother, one who is supposed to be the closest woman to him, (apart from his wife), would have no qualms in future about dishing the same treatment to his 'better half' The way he's treating the people in his life now, especially his family, may likely multiply many folds in future, and that includes the way he'll treat you as his wife, and even possibly his children.

Also, check out the way and manner he treats you in your relationship. Is he the type of guy who keeps malice for long when you have a misunderstanding; does he carry resentment for long; Is he in any way abusive towards you? does he show any tendencies towards being cruel? etc. All these will give you an inkling into his true character, and then you can determine whether he'll make a good husband/father or not.

maybe he was abused physically or psychological and find it hard to open-up hence the animosity


i wouldnt just merrily let it to go if i was the girl, i must findout why but not in a nagging manner. just subtly try to get him to open-up to me cause afterall she is going to be my mother-inlaw and who knows tomorrow? if they eventually somehow makeup on their own, the mom would probably drag her feet in the middle of it. you know how some motherinlaws can be, they will label you the witch, separator, instigator and will instantly forget the pass

it will sure affect their children, because he wouldnt want his kids to see or have anything to do with their grandmother which wouldnt be a fun either


men generally tend to be very close to their mother so, there must a deep reason why he acts in such way. i'd tread very careful if i was her

First try to study him and pet him so dat he will open up 4 u.

How do you do that?
@Poster i believe there is something he is not telling. And i also believe a man that doesn't treasure his mum will not be a very loving husband. Pet him so he can tell u what he is hiding

u say his father is dead, could it be dat he found out?knew his mother cheated on his father at some point or d oda?, thats one main cause of resentment and lack of respect a boy could have towards his mother, u can also try to get a bit closer to one of the siblings (now u are engaged dats very acceptable) and try to find out when this 'hatred/antagonism' started, and den with deep and intimate conversations about that same poeriod of his life, u can maybe figure out the issue and adress it.
i understand ur need for closeness, as i myself having grown up in a really close knit family, will abdolutely be miffed if my fiance is not on good terms wit his. especially as u want ur kids to have 2 grandma's to dote over dem,

i suppose you could ask the siblings what has gone wrong since you live in the same town.

First,I blame you for not finding out for 4 YEARS. Did you really love him or just his d!ck?
Stop all the speculations.Go (or get some people) and ask real questions and get real answers from real people who knew him and his family when he was growing up.Don't just do it,set a time limit to achieve it.

Once again,I blame you for not finding out for 4 YEARS.

First of all, Uju are u scared of marriage?

@ the person in question
take time out to find out the root of the hatred.
before the marriage plans.

Good luck

@VALIDATOR, you'r making a mistake if u say u blame the gurl in question why in 4yrs she could not figure out the problem with her husbby to be. E be like say u no know some men sha, u can stay with dem for 10yrs and u won't get a secrete from them. should in case u'v not seen such men b4, then i'm 1. but i'm not talking about hiding anything from wife, but i do keep secrete.

topic - I go with what Tolutara said on her post!. . .And while i'm typing this post, can u guys believe that a picture just appeared in front of my screen? . .guess what the pic is all about? . . .A man proposing to a woman!!!
Poster i guess the sign of this pic that appeared on ma screen shows that, the gurl in question will have a successful marraige! . . .or is it saying i should go and marry? who know's?. . .if that should be the case, let me look for a gurl in NL to marry then. . . .Any available spinter in the house?. . .Any BRAND. be u lepa or Orobo. tall or short. beauriful or ugly. shape or shapeless, all join! . . .Abeg i dey wait for reply O!. . .meanwhile, TOLU, i gel your post. i go for it!

Like someone rightly pointed,the hatred must be deeply rooted.Naturally,we guys are usually close to our mum so i believe for a man to detest his mum this much,there is a serious problem.
Do not nag him into telling,rather,bid your time.He will surely open up with time.
You guys have been dating for 4 years so am sure you know some of his very close friends and relatives.Talk to someone you think he would respect and try to get to the root of the cause of his morbid hatred.
Goodluck.

thats quite an interesting post uju, sounds like relationship upheavals. i think y'all should check out this site

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I think the poster is not telling us something here and obviously the guy is hiding so many things from her.
I find it rather preposterous that a lady would date a guy for 4 solid years without finding out why he keeps logger heads with his mother.
Don't you think you are threading on dangerous ground? If a guy could hide such vital information from you for 4 years, then no hope he will ever tell u when u marry him

Express your whole mind to him and insist he tells you what is going on between him and his mother.
How many of his siblings do you relate with? They would have been able to hint you why he is not in good terms with his mother before now.

Is a lesson for some of us who are into relationships heading for the altar. Do your best to know every detail about your partner, his/her immediate and extended family.

You must find out. You are a woman. You don't want your son to hate you, do you? Let it not be a generational thing o ,

She could be an awful person he does not want to be around.

She could have abused him when he was younger. She could have spent

the inheritance left to him by someone else.It could be a lot things

Do not jump into conclusion he is the one with the problem. Give him a

chance and see how he treats you. If his mother treated him so bad he

might treat you better than normal.Do not go with assumptions of other

people. Have you asked him why he hates her?

Since he is not forth-coming, ask his mother, It is best not to marry from a broken home.

^^^^^ is it the choice of anybody to come from a broken home? That statement is not right cos when parents decide to part ways its not the kids who will grow up to get married that are the cause of this.

yomola:

Since he is not forth-coming, ask his mother, It is best not to marry from a broken home.

.

She cannot ask his mother.
Is she tries it, he will hate her for life.
Besides, from her story the familiarity with his mother is not there yet

there's a lot d guy is not telling u. believe me marriage is not wat u'd want to go into with all these mysteries surrounding him.
sit him down and find out wat u can b4 u go into dat marriage. shine ur eyes well o!. this is marriage ure talking abt not relationship. ive been there,ive done that.
i'm saying this 4rm experience

i really think u need to ask more questins,cos there is more to what he has told u. Marriage is an institution u enter and not easy to come out and u know is a once in a live time event.

this is not so far-fetched as some think, y'know
many people are this way
I would say dont prod him for reasons and what not
when it comes to a man and his parents, you the wife mind your business

Love your man like never b4, its not your fault tat he is not telling. He is not a mad man he has his reasons you will know some day, probably when you start giving him beautiful kids.

she must learn to love her

mama-gee:

It's quite normal for a woman to hate her future mother-in-law. . .

I think sometimes it's unjustifiable when she's nice.

did you read the OP at all

mama-gee:

It's quite normal for a woman to hate her future mother-in-law. . .

I think sometimes it's unjustifiable when she's nice.

WOW

yomola:

Since he is not forth-coming, ask his mother, It is best not to marry from a broken home.

My mama always tells me that.

there may be a reason that he doesnt want to speak of. not everyone has a happy relationship with thier families and for all you know he may wish things were different. ask him once gently if he is willing to talk about it if not drop it. i co worker of mine hasnt spoken to his family since he was 17 - now in his 60 and is the sweetest most loving father and grandfather you could imagine. does everything in his power to make sure his kids have the relationship he never did. in some cultures this behavior is actual normal, your concern over htis is purly cultural and not biological. just be supportive of his decision. my husband doesnt speak to his brother but is very close to his other siblings - i dont push the matter