fellow nairalnders,please help, i ll break issues up so as to make it easier for readers.i lost my mum to illness last month and tings ve not been easy for me and my marriage too.it feels alone in the world without a mother.

my husband has an ex wife and they ve a four yr old girl together.he picks her up on weekends and she spends a nighht or two with us and takes her back to her mother, on fathers day which was 20th,he came back with a card after he dropped her off .i saw it in his hands when he came in but was nt bothered to know what it was all about and didnt see it again.the card reappeared this weekend cos i saw it on the bed where my hus was playing with her and our 6months old.as i was dressing the bed later,i lousily took the card,which looked more like a hand made card and opened it and this was the content"DAD,HAPPY FATHERS DAY,THANK YOU FOR GIVING KISSES TO MY MUMMY".i didnt know what to make of it.i just dressed the bed,kept it under the pillow and left the room.when i came over,he told me he doesnt enter her apartment i believed only to see her text telling my hus to bring the lil girl into flat when he comes to drop her that she ll be in in mins, the day he came back with the card,he stayed at the car park for 15mins on phone before he came in and her number was the last received call .i havent made anythhing out of these but i dont know what to make of the content of the card, should i ask him about it,could sometin ve been happening btw them that is secret or am i the one being worked up for nothing and overlook it.what do i do?

he also sleeps with his daughter in her room thru the night whenever shes around.she slept in her room alone twice cos we moved into a new house and cried the next time she slept alone so my hus started sleeping with her in her room.would it be selfish to tell him that she needs to begin and learn to sleep on her own. weekend are most times the only time we usually ve intimacy which we cant engage in when she s around.i understand that with a child in the house,the only safe time for couples to ve intimacy is at night when the children will be asleep in their own room.am i being selfish?

constructive and helpful advices will be welcome thank you all.

Sounds like your going to have a tough role being the step mother. I see you mentioned two problems:

1. Your not sure about the card, so clear it up with your husband. Just be open about and tell him how you feel. You feel insecure about the card, so just tell him in a way that he won't be defensive. Say something like," hey while I was cleaning, I noticed the father's day card and you know how women are. We sometimes feel strange with words about kissing the ex, Makes me feel insecure, cause our whole life and the future of our family takes the both of us. pause and , let him explain the card.

2nd problem: You don't like the idea the he sleeping with the kid. Your sounding like a jealous woman. Perfectly understandable, what step parents wants to share a spouse, lol.

Again, just tell him how you feel, be open and honest and communicate in a way that won't make him defensive. Just tell him he is your life and you miss him on those nights. Can we try and get the daughter to sleep on her own? Might be an opportunity in there to tell him you expectations that you need to make you happy in the long run.

Another suggestion is to do some research on "i feel statements" for conflict resolution, also look up "reflective listening". Those are just some pointers, hope it helps.

candid advice-
Every child at that age wants daddy to love mummy. Has this dream of being a happy family. Wants daddy to care for mummy and even kiss mummy.
Every child thinks it is something special to sleep with daddy.
You knew when you met him he had a child-
Did you ever think about it this way- this is a man that even if you break up with him you can be guaranteed that he will always play his role as father for your kids. Do you know how many kids get neglected from their fathers when the marriage breaks up.
This man should be respected he is a good father a responsible man. Count yourself as lucky having him.
You can make yourself the outsider or be the glowing lamp in this situation. Treat her as your own - the distance comes across in your words. Show her love. Why should she be sleeping with daddy anyway when mummy is there. You should be the one to cudle her when she wants to sleep and is scared.
IF you continue this way you stand to strain your marriage. The more love you show that kid the more love you recieve from your husband. She can also sleep in the room with the two of you there is enough space on the bed, if there is enough space in your heart.
The blessings fo raising another child is more than for raising your own child. God will reward you and bless your own kids through her. Make your own kids grow up to be close to their sibling. You can only do this by showing love to the Child.
Pray to God to keep you away from the temptation of turning your back against her. IF you continue this way, this feeling would mature to outright hatered for the child. Hate is a negative feeling and also consumes  the person filled with it.

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

    And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


The solution to your problem is LOVE

@mutter and luap,thank you very much for your candid advices, am really thankful, my husband is a good dad, we all used to sleep together on the same bed until i had baby and so the bed no longer fits all of us in, baby sleeps with us on our bed cos she yells each time she's put on her cot.i dont hate her at all.why would i?i play with her sometimes and stay with her in her room when she watches her videos,i read her stories from her book but my hus does these more than me cos shes so used to daddy and always wants him to do everything.I also ve baby to deal with too.i ll put in more to what i ve been doing.

as for the card,i just kept it for now.the reason why am even talikng about it at all is that each time i ve an arguement with my hus about us,he ll just start comparing me with the ex wife and this pisses me off  so much and gets me angry.its either he says i didnt do half of what am doing for you for her.HE would bring her name in in one way or the other.this leaves me with the question of why he would raise her name at all in our affairs or issues when clearly he s the one who divorced her.
secondly,after i had baby in jan,we wanted to move out to a bigger place and my hus took his exwife along to view a house where we would live while i was at home.he came back that day and told me about the house and nothing else.how did i know?he invited the ex to our new home to bring the lil girl cos he was tired to go out pick her and then showed her the lil girls room too.then the woman said to my hus'this looks very similar to the other house'.my hus became jittery.i looked at him and up til today i havent asked him anyting bout it.

Hi Pinkielove,
so much maturity in such a young marriage.
I am impressed with your wisdom and tolerance. You will certainly do it right and be an example for other women. You know this comparisim etc does fade with time. Fact is he sort of feels guilty towards his daughter for not being with her mum.
Now your kid is still very young, within a few months he will be able to communicate more, crawl and laugh when he sees daddy. You will see the difference that will make, also for your relationship.
Just be patient.

@

pinkie you have always complained about this little gurl, sometimes i think if you's get into a contest that gurl is going to outsmart you and take your man from you.

Seriously you sound like you envy attention this little gurl gets, why r u so insecure?she is only a child, she doesnt live with you everyday she only comes for a visit, you should learn to tolerate her during her stay there.

And lastly JUST STOP NAGGING AND PLAYING THE VICTIM ALL THE TIME

@everyone,thank you once again for your advices, when i came newly,we had an arguement which i cannot remember what the issue was and he said to me 'whatever relationship i decide to ve with my daughter and her mother is my business".since that day i stopped asking him anything about that part of his life,even when he tells me anytin,i ll just listen but to maybe contribute i dont, the only tin i did that time was to tell him about somethings she eats that are not healthy only if he tells me and suggest healthier options of the same food and then do my best for her when shes around.you know how it is when you re dealing with someone who is not your blood child you ll always be careful about your words and contributions as not to be easily misunderstood.lately he turned around and accused me of not showing concern about things concerning her welfare when we had an arguement that was not even bout hher at all .i reminded him exactly what he told me and then he said yeah i said it but i ve started telling you about her now .he accused me of never asking bout her school welfare.and i said to him how would i know shes ready to get into school if you dont tell me and he said to me'i will not tell you about what you dont ask me'.i ve decided to start asking him bout her welfare
also sometime last year,after i prayed,somthing in me kept telling me i should tell him to always pay the childs child support to her mother no matter how tight our finances are and that he should be careful not to fall into temptation.i resisted this message cos it would sound mistrusting but it almost tormented me for two good weeks and i summoned courage and told him and among other things he told me he said that if i ever think he ll ve anytin to do witt the ex then am not fit to be his wife.
in summary am trying to say how sensitive it is for me to discuss anytin bout that part of his life cos we ve not had any issue about it for a long time now especially with questions regarding the woman.thank you all . ll be glad welcome more advices

@jenny,that was when tins havent settled for us.pls stop going back to it and distracting other posters.

Pinky, I was in your husbands situation. It ended in divorce. Please just realize your role as a step-mother. In your case, your there to support the father's decisions concerning the child. Establish your role and let him know your role.

Be willing to fight for your relationship. The thing about him looking at a new home with the ex is inappropriate. It might have felt familiar for him or he might reason that the mom needed to feel secure about where the child lives. It is still wrong, because you can not live your life around a child or the ex. You have to live your own lives. Next time let him know it is wrong.

People live in the past and on memories, but remember memories only exist in the mind and are not part of the real world. Why you holding on the card? get rid of it if your not going to do anything with it. Move to the present and on a loving relationship. About you husband comparing you. He is living in the past it is wrong it is called baggage.

Though your expectations might be unreasonable or emotional, he should respect your because your his wife. I wonder if you taught him how to respect you? Like I said fight for your relationship in a loving way. Jesus turned the other cheek, but he spoke the truth and just did not lie down and let people walk on him. Be assertive and take responsibility for you part in the relationship.

well the more I read now the more I get the impression that there is a conflict in you about this girl and her mother. Your deepest heart wants to do it right but  that doesn`t alway work out successfull. Even with our own biological parents we make make mistakes, we take wrong decisions.
It might be easy to criticize you for not doing enough and not loving enough but- that is human nature. A constant fight rages withen your to make sure you always do the right thing.
How can you not know her academic progress when she commes weekends. Don`t you talk to her. Your excuse that noone told you does not hold ground. I think you are hurting real bad and it`s natural but remember children are always innocent.
I had a stepdaughter  and I can understand how difficult it is.
Once she wet the bed like 3 times in one night, when I spoke to her about it she ran to tell her Dad that I poured water on the bed and said she wet the bed. I got some real trouble,´. The dad meant I was so wicked to cook up such a story. She was telling every visitor how wicked I was to her and i swear to God I never did her any harm. When the dad would go out she would run to his room fall on her knees crying that he should take her along and he would storm out of the house for hours without comming back with her. Leaving me and my baby alone. The more he felt I was maltreating her, the less affection he showed even our baby.
How did I find out about what she was doing. Once her father travelled and I wanted to go out and leave the kids with the househelp. She came into my room fell lon her knees and begged me to take her along because the househelp would kill her. I stormed out of my room in rage, I wanted to attack the innocent nanny. How could a child fear anyone so much? Suddenly something flashed through me. I remembered how my husband had stormed out of the house so often with her and I realied the child was playing the same game on me.
Before our marriage broke up whenever people asked her about her mum she would say, "she`s not my mum, my dad will get a new mum for me. "My nieghbours were all shocked they never knew she was not my real daughter, they used to tease me for always being with her and showing her so much attention. This was a child I insisted we take to live with us at age 2 because she looked in such bad shape.
Well the new mum did not last 6 months she was driven out of the house too and wife nr.5 had real problems still has now that stepdaughter is a young adult.
I thank God for everything. Even as a teenager she admitted to me that she did all those things only to get her dads attention and was  so sorry. She said she could never build up a daughter mother relationship with the other women. (but how could she when the never survived too long) . let her know she was a child and did not know the implication.
It can be difficult dealiing with a stepchild, because  no matter what decision you take or what you do, you kind of have to justify your actions to the rest of the world. Everyone seems to be asking,"would she have done that to her own kid?"

@chair cover,now i know am not crazy with my thoughts bout him actually divorcing her if she was that good a woman.this is the same woman he told me bout how the fights they had,how she refused not to sign the divorce papers,how she has refused him seeing their child that time,how he smashed their glass dinning table with his fists on one occassion of his fights with the woman just to avoid being violent to her,a whole lot of other stories.my husband is a hater of men who raise their hands on women and for him to react that way ,he would ve been pushed extremely very far times and times again.this is the same person hes turned around to evaluate me with.he succeeded in eroding me of my self esteem and confidence cos of that but one day i said to my self.why is she an ex if she was that wonderful.i am now getting my confidence and self esteem back gradually.i even almost asked him then one day if he regrets divorcing her but didnt.

@luap,so sorry that yours ended up in divorce.you sound like you re a guy and really hard a tough time in yours.i may be wrong though.

@mutter,happy you re in the same situation too and know that sometimes the reverse is usually the case when step mums are labelled wicked to their step children.
am sorry it broke yours up too, i hope mine doesnt get to that too.i ll do my best and leave the rest to God.I stayed clear for peace to reign if that is wat will be good.
once again thank you all for all your advices.who knows nairaland may be my new mean time mum even though she was not aware i have a step child even till deathh.

pinkielove:

@jenny,that was when tins havent settled for us.pls stop going back to it and distracting other posters.

you've never liked my post, but trust me, i dont care.

You have issues yourself, LEAVE THE PAST AND EX AND START THINKING ABOUT YOUR FUTURE, quit being a nagger or you will end up sending him into the hands of the other woman, little wonders he goes there at least im sure he finds his peace and quiet there.

Have you ever bothered to find out what exactly your husband wants? nope, you are busy talking and thinking about yourself alone,  your posts as always been about yourself, trying to justify your evry action, always crying foul,what about that man's feelings? is he happy with the relationship you have with this gurl? what are his plans for her? has he shared it with you? have you bothered asking him, nope but you are busy complaining about  the time he spends with her or the attention she gets , going through his fone to read his msgs or the last call he received ,and bla bla bla, you have made the situation in your hom so tense that your hsuabnd would rather go out and answer her calls like he is some criminal than do it in your evry before.

You are full of problems woman, aren't you the same person that once said your husband against every odds married you even when his family didnt want him to marry you? he married you and arranged for your papers so that you could come live with him in UK, just so that his family wont stress you out, if he had an hidden agenda why did he marry you and bring you over? what else do you want? this is your won side of the story , we've not heard his.

But if you ask me i think the earlier you agree within yourself that you are contributing a big chunk to the downfall of that marriage, the earlier for you to make amendments

Jeeezzz get a life woman

@jenny,i think you like me very much. but personally i really dont want your advice anymore.all i can say for now.thank you once again

Hmm @ OP,
I will say what im about to say because it is the truth,
The child is not from you and your husband, she is a product of your husbands past and deep down, if you search your soul, you know in your heart of hearts that it bothers you, hence the jealousy and insecurity.

Why? Because it means the ex wife will FOREVER be in your lives like it or not, You entered it with your eyes WIDE open so it is a conequence you must live with,

Now, You are step mother, Your role is to support your husband with regard to the child in her upbringing, welfare etc,
She is a child and at 4 years old may be a lil manipulative as children can be out of their innocence,
Please do not take her actions personally,

Talk to your husband with regard in playing a more active role which means more involvement in the childs life, you should not be blocked out since you are now a part of the equation,

And make it CLEAR to your husband that it is not acceptable in calling his EX WIFE for anything that has absolutly nothing to do with the daughter, Men can be completely stupid and naive in thinking this is normal and harmless,

It absolutley is not normal nor harmless, if anything he is treading on dangerous paths! There was no need in calling his ex wife to view property, Is she going to live with you guys? Is it going to be her future family home? NO!

That pathetic excuse of showing her their childs room is completely dismissable in my book, if he is responsible she should trust the child is in safe hands wherever you move to,

@pinkielove

LMAO, awwww sweetheart 'course you dont want my advice, why would you? you've always wanted pity on your every thread and would go against people that suggested you work on yourself. Like i said ealrier on, i dont care if you accept my advice or not but get used to it cos im going to continue posting whenever and wherever as i like, so learn to live with it or forever shut up and go learn (with common sense) how to keep the home you went into with your two eyes open (like d poster above me said), you are just a jealous woman who needs to get a life ASAP, yes i could relate with the jealousy if its in regards to his ex-wife, but the little girl? madam ,you are pathetic.

The world does not revolve around you Selfish woman

@pinkielove -

First thing, this “kisses to my Mummy” may not have been physical kisses. And even if it was, it may have simply been a peck. Instead of imagining what it was, and adding 2 + 2 and coming up with 15, speak to your Husband about it. Do not be confrontational, and don’t try to be smart about it. Just tell him you saw the card, and did not understand the message.
You have also admitted you stopped talking to him about the relationship he has with his ex after he warned you off. I suspect he did this because you did not approach the subject with the delicacy and judiciousness the situation required. Remember, he HAS a child with this woman. She will always be a part of his life. You simply have to accept that. There is nothing wrong, even if he goes into her flat to pick up his Daughter – as long as their relationship is not inappropriate. It is in your interest that he maintains as cordial a relationship with the mother of his child. If their relationship is fraught with stress, this will affect his relationship with you.

Also, remember it is natural for children to continue seeking to see Mummy and Daddy as a single family unit. This is normal, and they will often engineer group hugs, kisses, and outing to make this happen. Children are loathe to see a disruption of their “ideal” world. They desperately want their family unit to stay together. My daughter always insisted I gave her Mum a hug/kiss whenever I gave her one. Anytime I take her shopping, and pick out things for my wife, she would also pick out stuff for her Mum, and ask me why I was only buying stuff my wife, and not her Mum. I had some serious explaining to do!My wife actually encouraged me to buy some stuff for the mother as well.(my wife has a better relationship with my childs mother than i do!)

Regarding the issue of sleeping, we had to contend with this as well - though I refused to leave my matrimonial bed and sleep in her room. This is where your Husband needs wisdom.  Our current situation is far from ideal – she joins us in our bed, and insisted on sleeping between us (which I rejected flat out). So we all cram into the bed. Though it’s a Super King size bed, it is still uncomfortable.  Sometimes I sleep on the floor so they can both have the bed (At a minimum, she insist on sleeping in the same room as me), and yes, I stop her from joining me on the floor. Intimacy becomes a distant fantasy, but as she is not with us all the time, we can wait. You NEED to start communicating with your husband - Remember, communicating is not just “talking”. It is getting across what you want to say, in a “language” the person understands, and which gets you your desired result. I hope that is clear.

Also remember, this child is female. She sees you as competition, for you are competing with her for her Father’s affections and attentions. Being unwise, you are also subconsciously seeing her as competition. You need to be very wise and stop being a threat to her. The most important thing (which you have failed to do) is to accept this child as yours. Yes, she still has a Mother, but you need to stop treating her as your Husbands child, but as both yours. Your husband has already alluded that you are not concerned about the child’s schooling and welfare (because you are obviously not). Your reply to this allegation was to remind him of what he said in a previous argument, and also that he has not told you anything about her schooling - Would you stop being concerned about YOUR daughters welfare even if your husband said it’s not your business? Would you wait for your husband to tell you about your daughters schooling, before you became interested?

You need to start taking responsibility, rather than waiting for it to be given to you. When this child is with you, you become its Mother. Your husband can see you are not doing that, hence his bitterness when you seem superficially interested. Trust me, if you had taken the responsibility you should have, your husband would never have said his relationship with the child and its mother is none of your business.
Talk to your husband. Tell him you love this child dearly. Tell him you want her to be part of your family. Take responsibility for her as if she is your own child. ASK him what he wants regarding the child. STOP thinking of yourself, what YOU want and what YOU feel. Do you know how this divorce has affected your husband? Do you have any idea how it feels not having your child around you all the time? Do you have any idea of what it takes to deal with an ex who is the mother of your child? Do you know what it feels like to be friendly and civil to someone you would rather not have anything to do with, but you are forced to do so because of your child?

Do the right things, stay in prayer, and leave the rest to God. You will certainly see the results.

No she'd rather think about herself and her child alone

Mrs victim player

Hey don't bother about the card, its only the ex wife that is playing on your emotions the little girl could not have understood anything about the card. The fact that your hubby did not hide the card from you suggests to an extent that it is nothing serious.
If you decide to push for an explanation you might irritate him or start giving him ideas