ikenwan:

@chiogo,
Lol I didn't mean that once electricity started working and water kept running, people started killing each other. What I was trying to say is that the way Nigerian families are run are generally the way their people adapted to the hardship of Nigerian society. Someone is always trying to keep someone else in line, and that someone else is always resenting being forced down. Western societies, on the other hand, work differently. Because there's almost always going to be an abundance of resources, the type of situation where one person (a government, a spouse, etc) tries to micromanage [i]everything [/i]doesn't always work. There's space to be more fluid when dealing with things, and to become more moderate too.

I didn't take your comment that way either. But I don't think that's the case either - mismanagement of things. I think it's the suggestion, although unspoken by the woman that things be managed more "moderately" like you put it, that leads to incidents such as this. Like, both parties contributing in any way they can rather than focusing on gender roles even when neither are in the position due to circumstances since moving to the States, to practice the gender roles assigned by the Nigerian culture.

Cohomology:

My very good friend has been dating a girl in Naija and is planning to go home Jan '11 to marry her and bring her over. This girl seems like a very good girl and very smart too. From a good home also. I'm afraid for him now. So, you suggest he dumps her and marry someone here? This is a toughie!

They always "seem like a very good girl and comes from a good home" until she acclimatizes!

I would advise your friend to thread softly. Believe me, there are good girls here in the US. He only needs to look for them. I even know some "akata" who understand African culture more than these Nigerian imports.

If he must marry her, he should NEVER bring her here. He should keep her in Nigeria until he is able to relocate back.

Onlytruth:

They always "seem like a very good girl and comes from a good home" until she acclimatizes!

I would advise your friend to thread softly. Believe me, there are good girls here in the US. He only needs to look for them. I even know some "akata" who understand African culture more than these Nigerian imports.

If he must marry her, he should NEVER bring her here. He should keep her in Nigeria until he is able to relocate back.

Brutal!

But are you saying that you've not seen one aka 1 aka ofu aka ikan that worked?

Cohomology:

Brutal!

But are you saying that you've not seen [b]one aka 1 aka ofu aka ikan that worked?[/b]

Of course I can't say that! No one can. lol. 

All I'm saying is that the risk is high and the man being the designer of his marital home must take the initiative to lay the proper foundations, e.g avoiding dangerous marriages.

The risk is very high, and contrary to what the author of the article tried to do, I think this has little to do with the men's clout here. It has everything to do with culture shock and clash. The women who fall in these are not the most intelligent Nigerian babes. The intelligent ones often see beyond mere "Nirvana", they see real stuff. I don't think there are up to 5% of Nigerian women who can handle the challenges of total freedom.
Total freedom in my own definition is when the husband is completely powerless to rein the wife in.
Only FEW Nigerian women manage that freedom properly. Most don't.

Onlytruth:

They always "seem like a very good girl and comes from a good home" until she acclimatizes!

I would advise your friend to thread softly. Believe me, there are good girls here in the US. He only needs to look for them. I even know some "akata" who understand African culture more than these Nigerian imports.

If he must marry her, he should NEVER bring her here. He should keep her in Nigeria until he is able to relocate back.

So, basically you're blaming the women even though you claimed earlier that the homicide can not be justified?

Why do you think it works for couples already living here? Could it be that they have both acclimatized themselves with the environment? I feel as though men who go to Nigeria looking for wives are merely looking for someone they deem inferior(Kobojunkie mentioned this already). They believe that the fact that they brought the women to the States is meant to put them on a higher pedestal than men are already put in the Nigerian society. They make the mistake of forgetting that this is America and humans have rights which protect them unlike Nigeria. The realization that these women have become privy to these rights and are beginning to embrace and enjoy it makes these men feel intimidated. After all, they thought they married slaves but the slave seems to be getting smarter. They know the Nigerian women based here are already knowledgeable about these things so these men wouldn't go for those ones because they're looking for door-mats but unfortunately for them, the Nigerian ones don't stay that way for long.

Cohomology:

Brutal!

But are you saying that you've not seen one aka 1 aka ofu aka ikan that worked?

I also think your friend should find someone in the States but not for the reasons Onlytruth gave. What's your friend afraid of? One would think there are no Nigerian women abroad, doesn't make sense.

chiogo:

So, basically you're blaming the women [/b]even though you claimed earlier that the homicide can not be justified?

Why do you think it works for couples already living here? Could it be that they have both acclimatized themselves with the environment? I feel as though men who go to Nigeria looking for wives are merely looking for someone they deem inferior(Kobojunkie mentioned this already). They believe that the fact that they brought the women to the States is meant to put them on a higher pedestal than men are already put in the Nigerian society. They make the mistake of forgetting that this is America and humans have rights which protect them unlike Nigeria. The realization that these women have become privy to these rights and are beginning to embrace and enjoy it makes these men feel intimidated. [b]After all, they thought they married slaves but the slave seems to be getting smarter. They know the Nigerian women based here are already knowledgeable about these things so these men wouldn't go for those ones because they're looking for door-mats but unfortunately for them, the Nigerian ones don't stay that way for long.
I also think your friend should find someone in the States but not for the reasons Onlytruth gave. What's your friend afraid of? One would think there are no Nigerian women abroad, doesn't make sense.

If you follow my point you would realize that I believe the men are responsible for their plights. They have a choice whom to marry. They basically design their marriages.

The "slave" thing is a feminist sound bite that most of such women buy into. It is an aberration. While the man was investing in this family, was he a slave?

This is the mentality I'm talking about. There are NO SLAVES IN MARRIAGES.

Onlytruth:

If you follow my point you would realize that I believe the men are responsible for their plights. They have a choice whom to marry. They basically design their marriages.

Yes, they have a choice of whom to marry and these marriages would work out regardless of whether they brought the woman across the ocean or not, IF they have the right mentality about how a family should be run. But since they have this innate and archaic mindset about it, these marriages would probably never work out. Well, some of them do work but not technically. . .since the women are usually not happy anyway but choose not to divorce.

Onlytruth:

The "slave" thing is a feminist sound bite that most of such women buy into. It is an aberration. While the man was investing in this family, we he a slave?

This is the mentality I'm talking about. There are NO SLAVES IN MARRIAGES.

Feminist, sure. . .if that's what they call it nowadays. Oh yes, there are slaves in Nigerian marriages.

You'll find it interesting to know that many of these men who butcher their wives earn less income than their Nurse(barely educated as you see it) wives. The man could never be a slave(That's like calling a Black person or a minority a racist - technically, not possible) because even if he was the absolute bread-winner, the wife caters to the upkeep of the household - cooking, cleaning, child-raising. Now, switch it around and the wife is the bread-winner, she's still held responsible for doing the aforementioned by the husband. A mere suggestion to help out more since his job is less tedious is an insult. This IS the mentality I was speaking of - Adhering strongly to gender roles even when you can not fully perform the roles supposedly made for your gender.

Onlytruth:

If you follow my point you would realize that I believe the men are responsible for their plights. They have a choice whom to marry. They basically design their marriages.

The "slave" thing is a feminist sound bite that most of such women buy into. It is an aberration. While the man was investing in this family, we he a slave?

This is the mentality I'm talking about. There are NO SLAVES IN MARRIAGES.

Leave the gullible to buy into the "slave" talk.

The best solution to the issue. All our "new age" /modern sophisticated /very well educated/don't need a man/make my own money/ girls should not get married or better still mary Onyibo so the problem will be resolved

SHIKENA!!!

Cohomology:

Leave[b] the gullible [/b]to buy into the "slave" talk.

lol. Exactly.

Does anyone have any stats (or pointers) to the success rate of marriages of Nigerian men in the US married to Nigerian women they met in the US?

My gut feeling is that they fare worse than marriages of Nigerian men who went back home to marry Nigerian women.

I've seen many marriages of Nigerian men who met and married Nigerian women (including those born in the US to Nigerian parents) here that have failed also. And in 90% of the cases they go back home to remarry.

Cohomology:

Does anyone have any stats (or pointers) to the success rate of marriages of Nigerian men in the US married to Nigerian women they met in the US?

My gut feeling is that they fare worse than marriages of Nigerian men who went back home to marry Nigerian women.

I've seen many marriages of Nigerian men who met and married Nigerian women (including those born in the US to Nigerian parents) here that have failed also. And in 90% of the cases they go back home to remarry.

Bros I commute to and fro and can tell you before I go marry naija abroad. Hmmmmm??,

Unless she comes home on a regular basis, most of them are lost in that wilderness they call America unable to reconcile their values with that of the west.

morpheus24:

The best solution to the issue. All our "[b]new age" /modern sophisticated /very well educated/don't need a man/make my own money/ girls [/b]should not get married or better still mary Onyibo so the problem will be resolved

SHIKENA!!!

May not be far from the truth. lol.

I really think that Nigerian society in general and Igbo society in particular is producing lower quality women by the day. These poorly raised and loosely trained girls are  what we are faced with these days.

I recall the story my aunty told me about the civil war. While my father was busy at the war front fighting for Biafra, my mother was fending for the home and still remained committed to the marriage. She would walk miles from Nnewi to Umuahia (on foot of course) while conducting "afia attack" (Igbos would understand this), enduring all at the check points of Biafran soldiers and constant bombing by Nigerian soldiers, all in order to feed her family. She remain undefiled and chaste throughout the whole war ordeal while her colleagues ran after Nigerian soldiers who promised food.
Even when my dad returned from the war injured, she stayed same and loved him same all through. I cannot recall my dad ever raising a voice at my mum because both understood their positions in the home.

Nigerian woman today would see that as opportunity to do all she'd ever dreamed of.

Those were the days of QUALITY women, and they may have gone for good.

i think we mothers of the new generation should train our sons a lot better than the mothers of the past and current crop of adult men.

i know of a case where the husbands mother told the daughter in law to stop doing those things that will make her husband (her son) beat her - um excuse me should her son be beating a woman. honestly when i heard this story i had to blame alot of the man's behaviour at the mother.

Nigerian culture lays a lot of blame on a woman for all sorts of things even the provision of the male child which can only be determined from the man, childlessness, the man cheating the man beating you up even miscarriage is blamed on a woman - when will our culture progress

u naija men just need to learn to control ur aggressive behavior. anger management is very important since ur not in naija anymore. imagine killing ur wife.
the naija women adjust well to american society, make their money and are able to provide a future for their kids. so, why is it so hard for d men to adapt? how is anger issues a "value" or how is womanizing a "value"?
u guys need to let go of d ideas that are making naija as stagnant as it is today.

even india where women have limited freedom. today, they make up d majority of outsourcing industry and stay out late to work. indian economy is booming because of this.
imaging placing curfew on women. in 21st century are we still slaves or what? that is useless value IMO.


@onlytruth,
u say those were d days of quality women. but you say that ur mom's colleagues ran after soldiers who promised food.
so were d women quality or not?
i mean i understand it's natural to idealize and romanticize the past. ie "good old days" but really what woman would want to live in such time?

Onlytruth:

May not be far from the truth. lol.

I really think that Nigerian society in general and Igbo society in particular is producing lower quality women by the day. These poorly raised and loosely trained girls are  what we are faced with these days.

I recall the story my aunty told me about the civil war. While my father was busy at the war front fighting for Biafra, my mother was fending for the home and still remained committed to the marriage. She would walk miles from Nnewi to Umuahia (on foot of course) while conducting "afia attack" (Igbos would understand this), enduring all at the check points of Biafran soldiers and constant bombing by Nigerian soldiers, all in order to feed her family. She remain undefiled and chaste throughout the whole war ordeal while her colleagues ran after Nigerian soldiers who promised food.
Even when my dad returned from the war injured, she stayed same and loved him same all through. I cannot recall my dad ever raising a voice at my mum because both understood their positions in the home.

Nigerian woman today would see that as opportunity to do all she'd ever dreamed of.

Those were the days of QUALITY women, and they may have gone for good.

there is still hope, I am praying there are at least 10% of these sort of women remaining. Probability is if there are and women outnumber men 5 to 1. My chances are good!!!


Marriage is not by force o!

morpheus24:

there is still hope, I am praying there are at least 10% of these sort of women remaining. Probability is if there are and women outnumber men 5 to 1. My chances are good!!!


Marriage is not by force o!

I hear you bro! I truly do. Just keep your eyes properly shined.

Mind you these ladies only talk because we marry them. This issue won't arise if we don't. Simple.

morpheus24:

Bros I commute to and fro and can tell you before I go marry naija abroad. Hmmmmm??,

Unless she comes home on a regular basis, most of them are lost in that wilderness they call America unable to reconcile their values with that of the west.

morpheus24,

So, what do you recommend for a Naija guy living in the US, well-educated and wants to marry a Naija girl that won't give him wahala? Go home to marry or marry in the US?

excess right and freedom is never good for a woman,but the american society provides both. women being slaves to their biological appetetie are now faced with the problem of managing the new found freedom. only a cock crows at home never a hen. learn from nature.

morpheus24:

there is still hope, I am praying there are at least 10% of these sort of women remaining. Probability is if there are and women outnumber men 5 to 1. My chances are good!!!


Marriage is not by force o!

But where is one more likely to find any of these women in the 10% marriageable group? Nigeria or America? What's your view?

only truth - walking from nnewi to abia - are u suggesting in the age of kidnapping u would be happy for your wife to do the same.

remember a lot of women back then were not educated - God forbod her loosing her husband and being at the mercy of her husbands people.

please think about this - a society that has a regard for women, children and the elderly generally tend to be progressive and civilised. where woman and children are considered 2nd class that society has a long way to go, politically, socially and economically.

oyinda.:

u naija men just need to learn to control your aggressive behavior. anger management is very important since your not in naija anymore. imagine killing your wife.
the naija women adjust well to american society, make their money and are able to provide a future for their kids. so, why is it so hard for d men to adapt? how is anger issues a "value" or how is womanizing a "value"?
u guys need to let go of d ideas that are making naija as stagnant as it is today.

even india where women have limited freedom. today, they make up d majority of outsourcing industry and stay out late to work. indian economy is booming because of this.
imaging placing curfew on women. in 21st century are we still slaves or what? that is useless value IMO.


@onlytruth,
u say those were d days of quality women. but you say that your mom's colleagues ran after soldiers who promised food.
so were d women quality or not?
i mean i understand it's natural to idealize and romanticize the past. ie "good old days" but really what woman would want to live in such time?

Please note that I'm reminding men that they CAN stop these problems even before they arise.

There are always bad women (bad wives) since Adam and Even. No man goes to look for ANY WOMAN to marry. You first conduct a proper due diligence (just like women do ) before even proposing.

A wise man seeks out QUALITY women for marriage. They are FEW.

Quality is really scarce these days. A quality woman thinks deeper than the chaffy ones. Chaffy ones get carried by the wind.

Cohomology:

But where is one more likely to find any of these women in the 10% marriageable group? Nigeria or America? What's your view?

in d nigerian local villages. but be prepared to go and live there with her.
living in d US and well educated but u want stupid docile wife. well go and find her in d village and stay there with her. if u bring her out, her eyes will open.
u shld already know this.

morpheus24:

there is still hope, I am praying there are at least 10% of these sort of women remaining. Probability is if there are and women outnumber men 5 to 1. My chances are good!!!


Marriage is not by force o!

yea ur chances are good and d ratio is 5:1 because d rest of ur male folks are either in prison for fraud or too broke to find a wife and remove her from market.
so i don't think any of u have a right to complain abt women. when ur menfolk have ur own wahala.

ada24:

only truth - walking from nnewi to abia - are u suggesting in the age of kidnapping u would be happy for your wife to do the same.

remember a lot of women back then were not educated - God forbod her loosing her husband and being at the mercy of her husbands people.

please think about this - a society that has a regard for women, children and the elderly generally tend to be progressive and civilised. where woman and children are considered 2nd class that society has a long way to go, politically, socially and economically.

Can you in all honesty say that Igbo land is the most uncivilized part of Nigeria?
Can you in all honesty say that Igbo marriages are the most abusive in Nigeria?

I can boldly say that Igbo marriages are the MOST successful I can think of in Nigeria. We are mainly monogamists and have solid families. What are you people even talking about?

So coming to America makes you forget all those facts?  

oyinda.:

in d nigerian local villages. but be prepared to go and live there with her.
living in d US and well educated but u want silly docile wife. well go and find her in d village and stay there with her. if u bring her out, her eyes will open.
u shld already know this.

You misunderstood my question I asked morpheus24. Let me rephrase:

Where is a Naija man America more likely to find a wife that he can build a happy home with and live happily with? Nigeria or America?

I'm more interested in the response of fellow Naija men living in the US. I already know the cynical view of Naija women on this issue.

unhappy is not the same as successful - a lot of women remain in unhappy marrigaes in nigeria for various reasons.

i wasn't even talking about Igbo talking about naija as a whole. Some of u men say that women have too much power cos they call police when u beat them in the US - don't u men know that hitting a grown adult is a crime.

Arguing with these kinda people is useless. Funny how they ignore my points, couldn't rebut it. Yeah, I thought as much.  

ada24:

only truth - walking from nnewi to abia - are u suggesting in the age of kidnapping u would be happy for your wife to do the same.

LOL you'd be surprised many of them would actually like that. It's like they get some kinda pleasure from watching their "wives" suffer.

If these men could butcher their wives in cold blood, anything is possible.

And they wonder why Nigeria is the way it is. . . .people just don't think.

ada24:

unhappy is not the same as successful - a lot of women remain in unhappy marrigaes in nigeria for various reasons.

i wasn't even talking about Igbo talking about naija as a whole. Some of u men say that women have too much power cos they call police when u beat them in the US - don't u men know that hitting a grown adult is a crime.

Don't you know verbal abuse is a kind of abuse?

Some women abuse their husbands verbally and nobody comes to their aid.

ada24:

only truth - walking from nnewi to abia - are u suggesting in the age of kidnapping u would be happy for your wife to do the same.
.

I used that as illustration just to show that even in more tempting circumstances, quality women see beyond the temptations and stay the course. Chaffy ones gets blown by the wind.

America is not a war zone, but the social challenges can be daunting sometimes. So, if these women fall because of mere social challenges, what would they do in war?
An Igbo man marries a wife FOR LIFE. He is not marrying for show, or for only good times. He seeks out that woman who can stay the course through thick and thin, and  who would never forget their own culture which has been tested for thousands of years.

Onlytruth:

Please note that I'm reminding men that they CAN stop these problems even before they arise.

There are always bad women (bad wives) since Adam and Even. No man goes to look for ANY WOMAN to marry. You first conduct a proper due diligence (just like women do ) before even proposing.

A wise man seeks out QUALITY women for marriage. They are FEW.

Quality is really scare these days. A quality woman thinks deeper than the chaffy ones. Chaffy ones gets carried by the wind.

lol like my mom always says: if you are taking too long to find an outfit to wear, it means you have too many clothes. because if you only have a few clothes, u won't have the time and option to be sorting through ur closet.
like ur friend has already mentioned, men outnumber women 5:1. so you guys have the time and option to be sorting through women for "quality". i don't blame you. it's because u have too many options.

maybe you should ask ur great grand father if he was looking for "quality" when searching for a wife back in d days.
nowadays even the laziest, ugliest, most broke man is looking for quality. lol women don suffer.

Cohomology:

You misunderstood my question I asked morpheus24. Let me rephrase:

Where is a Naija man America more likely to find a wife that he can build a happy home with and live happily with? Nigeria or America?

I'm more interested in the response of fellow Naija men living in the US. I already know the cynical view of Naija women on this issue.

my bad. didn't know u were asking morpheus24 specifically.
but anyways, i recommend u ask a nairaland man who IS MARRIED. like sienna maybe. he brought his wife from naija and he seem happy with a beautiful family. he was dating oyinbo prior to that.

oyinda.:


maybe you should ask your great grand father if he was looking for "quality" when searching for a wife back in d days.
nowadays even the laziest, ugliest, most broke man is looking for quality. lol women don suffer.

LMAO

chiogo:

Arguing with these kinda people is useless. Funny how they ignore my points, couldn't rebut it. Yeah, I thought as much.  
LOL you'd be surprised many of them would actually like that. It's like they get some kinda pleasure from watching their "wives" suffer.

If these men could butcher their wives in cold blood, anything is possible.

And they wonder why Nigeria is the way it is. . . .people just don't think.

The problem I see with many Naija women living in the States is that they have a very arrogant way of relating with Naija men they meet. There is hardly any courtesy or cordiality with many of them, especially those with some education. Somehow, they also assume that most Naija men they meet are not even educated.

This may be because of stories they've heard or experiences they've had, nevertheless, the view that "every Naija man wants to turn his wife into a slave" is a unfortunate one held by too many Naija women in the US.