crackhaus:
I'll start with this - it is NOT, I repeat, it is NOT your duty to reconcile or mediate between your parents.

That said, your mum has also given you a strong warning. You should consider her feelings but on a second thought, you are an adolescent now. You must begin learning things about life, and one of those things is this - just because someone will feel bad/hurt about a line of action does not imply the person is right and that the action should not be taken.

Now to the main issue, I saw your thread yesterday and almost made a comment but I decided to stay my fingers so I could better contemplate the matter and be more cohesive with my thoughts (one does not just jump into giving opinions on things like this).

So here goes:
Your father is your father, nothing changes that. He remains so despite or in-spite. Whatever happened between your mother and him happened between them, it is not a determinant on who you should take sides with. In actual fact, there are no sides to be taken by you and you must understand this.
I have a little cousin, he's almost done with secondary school. His story is quite like yours but reversed. In his case, it's the dad he has been with since he was 2yrs old. Father and mother constantly fought, dad was a cheat and mom was also a cheat (this is the story depending on which of them you ask). She finally decided to leave the marriage, good decision, she left the boy behind even when she was begged by my late grandmother to take the boy, bad decision.

Enough of her story, it's the boy's perspective I'm going to channel but first i should ask you - do you think this dude should look for his mother or not?

I wish I could get your answer before I continue but time is of value to me, so I will go on to make my point.
Going by majority of the comments so far and judging the matter based solely on what I have shared, it will not be surprising that most people including yourself will opt that the boy should NOT look for his mother. The problem however is, no one knows that this woman once tried to look for her son after some years but the father prevented it and even threatened to have her legs amputated if she tries to come close again. He made the boy inaccessible, put him in a british boarding school in Nigeria and gave them strict instructions while he continued to live in London.

Long story short, everyone moved on with their lives or so we thought..but you see, a father is a father and a mother is a mother, nothing changes that. They remain so despite or in-spite. My cousin looked for his mother, how he did it and how he found her they keep saying they don't know. When I heard it, I only chuckled - I chuckled because I was finally able to tell some family members 'I told you so'. I always knew the elaborate stories that were told to poison the boy's heart against his mother, the theatrics and steps taken by father to keep mother and son away, they were only going to work for as long as the boy himself wasn't interested in looking for her.
He and I are no where close age-wise, my youngest sibling is not even close to him age-wise but I understand human emotions and desires or at least I try to. Whatever happened between father and mother happened between father and mother, you do not have the full story and probably you never will, just like my cousin.

What you know and what you only know is that you have a father, he is alive and he is somewhere. Now until he himself tells you to your face that he wants absolutely nothing to do with you, there will always be a part of you that will want to seek him out however supressed or denied that emotional desire is.
DO NOT meet him because you want his financial help, oh no. As a matter of fact, I suggest you try to sort out your financial problems without him. Yes you need the help, believe me you do and no one should tell you otherwise. I kept reading comments telling you that you're 23 and be a man and bla bla bla. This is Nigeria and at 23, most Nigerians are still fully dependent on others for survival, are still living under a roof they're not paying rent for... so I don't get what all that fuss was about really.

However, let your desire for your father not be financially motivated. You are right to want him and you should, just not right now.

Ahh it almost skipped me, your mother's feelings in all this. Try asking her this simple question - "mummy, God forbid you drop dead today, will I be allowed then to reconnect with my father?"
Honestly, her answer doesn't matter, this is one of those questions where there is no right answer. She answers yes and it shows she is being selfish, she answers no and it also shows she is being selfish. She won't even want to answer it and will try shutting you up.

Your mother will not disown you or kill herself because you sought your father out. She will be hurt, she will feel betrayed and she will get over it.

Cheers...

Thank you so much for this wonderful piece of advice, I appreciate this sir, I Will try to do what you just said.

Vellichor:
If you find him just don't approach him with an entitlement mentality or start asking him to pay your school fees. Besides that, there's no bad in looking for him. You'd get to hear his own side of the story. Right now you only know your mom's. Good luck.

Thanks sis

you know you will still need him in future right?
if you are getting married etc, just for record purposes, so i advise you seek him out. not to pay your fees but to know him. if he denies you again all well and good.

lighteast:
Good day fellow nairalanders, I have been a member here since 2013 not until I lost the account, every effort to retrieve the account never yielded any progress because I do not have access to the email used in the acount creation, so I decided to view as a guest.
I virtually sleep and wakeup here everyday, it makes me laugh, read news all around the world and learn new things everyday, infact it is part of me I can't let go easily, so that is why I decided to bring this up here as my last resort, been planning to post this for long but lack the courage , your piece of advice I shall consider because I believe we have intellectuals here, enlightened fellows who won't stoop low to degrade another.

The circumstances trailing my birth was controversial, I grew up without a father figure in my life, I am twenty three now in my third year in the university, I will try as much as possible to hide the identity of the two characters involved in my story including yours truly.

My mum got pregnant for a man which sparked an outrage some years ago, the man denied my mum and left my mum to her fate, my mum bore all the burden and tantrums thrown at her at that time all alone, she got rejected by her people, her church and friends, but she never gave up, she took me far away from home to train, in return I never disappointed, my brain and personality was too hot my teachers and classmates would wonder which planet I came from, from my primary school days till I graduated from secondary school, I never for once settled for second position in the class overall termly report.
things where going on well in my innocent mind I never bordered thinking of my life, what the future has in stock for me nor the reality that will soon set in.
Let me not bore you with my story, fast forward to my university level right now, mum lost her job and things changed immediately I got admission to study the same course my father studied, now that was a coincidence as I have never met the man nor heard anything about him, I got to find out we share same trait, same look and same level of intelligence [maybe] from a man I came across.
life became a nightmare for me in the uni to the extent I contemplated suicide on several occasions.
I could recall how I summoned courage to ask my mum about my dad, wouldn't it be fair I get to know him atleast to help ease the situation of things, like get support from him knowing full well she can't cater for my education anymore, maybe a Daniel will come to judgement through him, he is a public figure and an affluent now, but my mum said I should never think of that, that if I ever try that then bear it in mind that I have hurt her, that she will never be happy, that if I leave her after going though all this suffering because of me, she will never be happy.
life is a living hell for me, should I listen to her and keep struggling with life until I make it or throw caution to the wind and go for the man whose blood run in me, I am scared of dropping out and becoming a nobody in life, still thinking how to pay my hostel fee that is due but no help whatsoever. been at home since school resumed, I believe she is still bitter with the man, I don't know if I should get both of them to reconcile and forgive each other for my sake or should I just move on with my life, please I need your advice on this.

Just tell him to his face that "This is the child you denied 23 yrs ago" and leave him to stew it out. You already a man, how come u didn't bother doing stuffs to support yourself and mom? Apart from book smart you gotta b money smart dear. Dive into mini importation to help yourself.

ibkn:
you know you will still need him in future right?
if you are getting married etc, just for record purposes, so i advise you seek him out. not to pay your fees but to know him. if he denies you again all well and good.

He doesn't need him anything.

I agree with crackhaus



However, let your desire for your father not be financially motivated. You are right to want him and you should, just not right now

You will still find him last last but let it not be now that you need his financial help.

Its well lighteast

lighteast:
Good day fellow nairalanders, I have been a member here since 2013 not until I lost the account, every effort to retrieve the account never yielded any progress because I do not have access to the email used in the acount creation, so I decided to view as a guest.
I virtually sleep and wakeup here everyday, it makes me laugh, read news all around the world and learn new things everyday, infact it is part of me I can't let go easily, so that is why I decided to bring this up here as my last resort, been planning to post this for long but lack the courage , your piece of advice I shall consider because I believe we have intellectuals here, enlightened fellows who won't stoop low to degrade another.

The circumstances trailing my birth was controversial, I grew up without a father figure in my life, I am twenty three now in my third year in the university, I will try as much as possible to hide the identity of the two characters involved in my story including yours truly.

My mum got pregnant for a man which sparked an outrage some years ago, the man denied my mum and left my mum to her fate, my mum bore all the burden and tantrums thrown at her at that time all alone, she got rejected by her people, her church and friends, but she never gave up, she took me far away from home to train, in return I never disappointed, my brain and personality was too hot my teachers and classmates would wonder which planet I came from, from my primary school days till I graduated from secondary school, I never for once settled for second position in the class overall termly report.
things where going on well in my innocent mind I never bordered thinking of my life, what the future has in stock for me nor the reality that will soon set in.
Let me not bore you with my story, fast forward to my university level right now, mum lost her job and things changed immediately I got admission to study the same course my father studied, now that was a coincidence as I have never met the man nor heard anything about him, I got to find out we share same trait, same look and same level of intelligence [maybe] from a man I came across.
life became a nightmare for me in the uni to the extent I contemplated suicide on several occasions.
I could recall how I summoned courage to ask my mum about my dad, wouldn't it be fair I get to know him atleast to help ease the situation of things, like get support from him knowing full well she can't cater for my education anymore, maybe a Daniel will come to judgement through him, he is a public figure and an affluent now, but my mum said I should never think of that, that if I ever try that then bear it in mind that I have hurt her, that she will never be happy, that if I leave her after going though all this suffering because of me, she will never be happy.
life is a living hell for me, should I listen to her and keep struggling with life until I make it or throw caution to the wind and go for the man whose blood run in me, I am scared of dropping out and becoming a nobody in life, still thinking how to pay my hostel fee that is due but no help whatsoever. been at home since school resumed, I believe she is still bitter with the man, I don't know if I should get both of them to reconcile and forgive each other for my sake or should I just move on with my life, please I need your advice on this.

Your mum is very sad with your supposed father and women that find themselves in such situations hardly forgive the men

It's nit easy as you said that you wish to reconcile them both with time it might work out

I suggest you go on discrete investigation about your dad

Keep it away from mum

Find out from dad why he has never looked for you

Listen to him and deduct meaningful things from your discussion from him

Let him know that you want him and mum to come together even if it means him renting an apartment for her where the both of them can be seeing each other

Meanwhile get some cash from him and let him know the efforts your mum have made to put you through

Gradually you will start talking to your mum again why you want her to reconcile with your dad

The final decision lyes in your mum but you must be patient with her because she went through tough times all this while

frozen70:



Your mum is very sad with your supposed father and women that find themselves in such situations hardly forgive the men

It's nit easy as you said that you wish to reconcile them both with time it might work out

I suggest you go on discrete investigation about your dad

Keep it away from mum

Find out from dad why he has never looked for you

Listen to him and deduct meaningful things from your discussion from him

Let him know that you want him and mum to come together even if it means him renting an apartment for her where the both of them can be seeing each other

Meanwhile get some cash from him and let him know the efforts your mum have made to put you through

Gradually you will start talking to your mum again why you want her to reconcile with your dad

The final decision lyes in your mum but you must be patient with her because she went through tough times all this while

The dad has his own family now. What type of reconciliation are you talking about exactly?

Just tell him to his face that "This is the child you denied 23 yrs ago" and leave him to stew it out. You already a man, how come u didn't bother doing stuffs to support yourself and mom? Apart from book smart you gotta b money smart dear. Dive into mini importation to help yourself.

Thanks bro for your advice, I would have considered going into the mini importation business but no capital, I am currently looking for money to buy bike so that I can be plying our school road, It is well.

frozen70:



Your mum is very sad with your supposed father and women that find themselves in such situations hardly forgive the men

It's nit easy as you said that you wish to reconcile them both with time it might work out

I suggest you go on discrete investigation about your dad

Keep it away from mum

Find out from dad why he has never looked for you

Listen to him and deduct meaningful things from your discussion from him

Let him know that you want him and mum to come together even if it means him renting an apartment for her where the both of them can be seeing each other

Meanwhile get some cash from him and let him know the efforts your mum have made to put you through

Gradually you will start talking to your mum again why you want her to reconcile with your dad

The final decision lyes in your mum but you must be patient with her because she went through tough times all this while

Thanks for your advice bro, I appreciate.

lighteast:

Thanks for your advice bro, I appreciate.

bros.
I go tell you the truth.
Forget about any damn reconciliation and be opportunistic.your focus should be what you can achieve from the man,not whether he takes your mom serious or not.pretty useless if you ask me.
If you do your research and find out that the man might wanna help you out,baba go for it a 100%
My only fear is that he might have a wife and some kids now and that will make it difficult for you to access those resources.
Suffer no be achievement and it doesn't pay!only opportunists get anywhere in life!
I will only tell you to go on without any support if only the man don't want you.
As for your mom,if she doesn't like it,that's her business.
She no go follow you live for batcher in a one room shack with your fat,ugly,low budget wife and some skinny,disgusting looking kids if you don't succeed at making it on your own.
Don't let women and their emotional blackmail make you underachieve in life!
I repeat,be opportunistic!get that push and connection from that man and better yourself!that is after you have done your research and seen a possibility
No one gets anywhere in life by being a fool.
Goodluck!

Logobenz:
bros.
I go tell you the truth.
Forget about any damn reconciliation and be opportunistic.your focus should be what you can achieve from the man,not whether he takes your mom serious or not.pretty useless if you ask me.
If you do your research and find out that the man might wanna help you out,baba go for it a 100%
My only fear is that he might have a wife and some kids now and that will make it difficult for you to access those resources.
Suffer no be achievement and it doesn't pay!only opportunists get anywhere in life!
I will only tell you to go on without any support if only the man don't want you.
As for your mom,if she doesn't like it,that's her business.
She no go follow you live for batcher in a one room shack with your fat,ugly,low budget wife and some skinny,disgusting looking kids if you don't succeed at making it on your own.
Don't let women and their emotional blackmail make you underachieve in life!
I repeat,be opportunistic!get that push and connection from that man and better yourself!that is after you have done your research and seen a possibility
No one gets anywhere in life by being a fool.
Goodluck!

I am so grateful for this, my fear is rejection but I will work on it.

Post the professional advice here so others can learn from it. No need doing pm on someone at his weak bed.

fidorocks:


You are very silly. You think am a poor beggar like you. I contacted him to give him professional advice. I will feed your entire generation

lighteast:

You are right, I have got to man up and take my responsibilities, I want to make that woman proud

Getting in touch with your dad may actually end up adding to your woes and problems. What will happen if he reject you again ?


I was once in your shoe and I actually dared the consequence but it ended badly and I almost end my life. The difference in my own case is that they went their separate ways since I was 2 months old and was made to be shuttling from one parent to another. I ended up attending 8 different primary schools ( mum was a teacher) and I started living with a maternal relative in order to have a stable education but I was forced to go back to dad when I needed money for further studies after secondary schools and everything was going on fine and the beginning but the end was brutal.

I will advise you to stick with your mom for now, hustle hard for your educational needs and don't contact him while you still need his help. It is better to meet him as a made man than another responsibility and by then he will respect your mum's effort and won't try any trash with you

lighteast:

I am so grateful for this, my fear is rejection but I will work on it.

Someone that denied you as an innocent young baby and didn't look back till now can still deny you again but this time it may shatter your dream and you may never recover from the rejection.


Stay away from the man at list for now if you love yourself.

kayzat:



Getting in touch with your dad may actually end up adding to your woes and problems. What will happen if he reject you again ?


I was once in your shoe and I actually dared the consequence but it ended badly and I almost end my life. The difference in my own case is that they went their separate ways since I was 2 months old and was made to be shuttling from one parent to another. I ended up attending 8 different primary schools ( mum was a teacher) and I started living with a maternal relative in order to have a stable education but I was forced to go back to dad when I needed money for further studies after secondary schools and everything was going on fine and the beginning but the end was brutal.

I will advise you to stick with your mom for now, hustle hard for your educational needs and don't contact him while you still need his help. It is better to meet him as a made man than another responsibility and by then he will respect your mum's effort and won't try any trash with you

Thanks for this, although I am tempted to get in touch with him, especially this trying period for me, I am about to miss my Second semester exams that will start two weeks from now due to my inability to pay 21,000 naira school fee, I don't want to tell that woman, I want her to live, she is all I have got, how I wish I can scale through, it is not easy at all.

You dont know what transpired btw him and ur mum ie if she frustrated his efforts in seeing you, or he was just a deadbeat. .... just find and ask him why he abandoned you? If hes a toxic person hell start giving you excuses....... if hes not you'll see it in his body lNguage. You're even lucky hes still alive. Do his wealth of knowledge now you're all grown up is priceless. Trust me some of us are wishing we have recordings of teachings from our late dads.. as you grow you realise hes more useful as a man. Tap from that wealth of knowledge..so you dont fall into the same predicament or situation he hot into and your child meeting you we years later.

lighteast:
Good day fellow nairalanders, I have been a member here since 2013 not until I lost the account, every effort to retrieve the account never yielded any progress because I do not have access to the email used in the acount creation, so I decided to view as a guest.
I virtually sleep and wakeup here everyday, it makes me laugh, read news all around the world and learn new things everyday, infact it is part of me I can't let go easily, so that is why I decided to bring this up here as my last resort, been planning to post this for long but lack the courage , your piece of advice I shall consider because I believe we have intellectuals here, enlightened fellows who won't stoop low to degrade another.

The circumstances trailing my birth was controversial, I grew up without a father figure in my life, I am twenty three now in my third year in the university, I will try as much as possible to hide the identity of the two characters involved in my story including yours truly.

My mum got pregnant for a man which sparked an outrage some years ago, the man denied my mum and left my mum to her fate, my mum bore all the burden and tantrums thrown at her at that time all alone, she got rejected by her people, her church and friends, but she never gave up, she took me far away from home to train, in return I never disappointed, my brain and personality was too hot my teachers and classmates would wonder which planet I came from, from my primary school days till I graduated from secondary school, I never for once settled for second position in the class overall termly report.
things where going on well in my innocent mind I never bordered thinking of my life, what the future has in stock for me nor the reality that will soon set in.
Let me not bore you with my story, fast forward to my university level right now, mum lost her job and things changed immediately I got admission to study the same course my father studied, now that was a coincidence as I have never met the man nor heard anything about him, I got to find out we share same trait, same look and same level of intelligence [maybe] from a man I came across.
life became a nightmare for me in the uni to the extent I contemplated suicide on several occasions.
I could recall how I summoned courage to ask my mum about my dad, wouldn't it be fair I get to know him atleast to help ease the situation of things, like get support from him knowing full well she can't cater for my education anymore, maybe a Daniel will come to judgement through him, he is a public figure and an affluent now, but my mum said I should never think of that, that if I ever try that then bear it in mind that I have hurt her, that she will never be happy, that if I leave her after going though all this suffering because of me, she will never be happy.
life is a living hell for me, should I listen to her and keep struggling with life until I make it or throw caution to the wind and go for the man whose blood run in me, I am scared of dropping out and becoming a nobody in life, still thinking how to pay my hostel fee that is due but no help whatsoever. been at home since school resumed, I believe she is still bitter with the man, I don't know if I should get both of them to reconcile and forgive each other for my sake or should I just move on with my life, please I need your advice on this.

This is a sensitive situation that you are in

Whatever decision you want to take, put your mum first to avoid breaking her wonded heart

Both of you will have to try has to see that your education doesn't suffer

She is pained and bitterly pained

No matter what you will tell her, she won't want to hear the word reconciliation unless she has made up her mind

Your dad too doesn't want to search for you, reasons are best known to him

Believe in God and tell God to make your dad to search for you

If your dad searches for you, you will enjoy him more than you searching for him

frozen70g:


This is a sensitive situation that you are in

Whatever decision you want to take, put your mum first to avoid breaking her wonded heart

Both of you will have to try has to see that your education doesn't suffer

She is pained and bitterly pained

No matter what you will tell her, she won't want to hear the word reconciliation unless she has made up her mind

Your dad too doesn't want to search for you, reasons are best known to him

Believe in God and tell God to make your dad to search for you

If your dad searches for you, you will enjoy him more than you searching for him

Thanks for your contribution sir.