Recently and shockingly, i found out that a married friend was having an affair with another married family friend of thiers. Usually i never believe that there is an excuse for adultery but after listening to her in tears, i started to ponder of some cases of adultery can be justified, am saying this not because she is my friend but because of the circumstances. My friend and her husband were matchmade by their families same with the other couple, this kind family friends, same class thing. The guys wife ( the man my friend is having an affair with) is as fake as they come, sorry to say, this kind I must belong people, she must keep up t every fashion trend and new ideology, she lives in London with her kids now against her husbands wish so her kids could be british trained even though they are just 2 and 4, she never wants to come to Nigeria so he works his head off here to fund the london life of his wife cos she does not work. Now my friends husband is just a bad person, he does not even realise that he has a wife, he does not send her, he cheats on her openly, verbally abuses her, nothing she does is good enough, even though she is one of the pretiest and smartest women i have ever met.
According to her, both of them usually consoled each other and adviced each other and feelings kept growing between them, one day after traveling to her husbands base to spend the weekend and finding another woman there with her husband walking her out at night, she took the firt flight in the morning came back, called the family friend to pick her at the airport, she said she was sobbing and he was comforting her they started kissing and have been having an affair for 2 years.
They cannot divorce thier spouses because they all have strong family ties, she says it kills her in church whenever adultery is being preached but this man makes her happy and viceversa. she looks better, he takes care of her and she him.
Am confused, dont know how to advise

I see no reason to cheat. Adultery is wrong, no matter the petty reasons involved. Rather than work out her marriage, she resorts to being 'comforted' by the other guy. Yes they both got shytty marriages, but they should concentrate on making it right instead of jumping into bed.

The other guy might hv a 'fake' wife but its none of your friend's business. Neither is it yours.
If your friend's husband is cheating on her, she should sit him down and discuss the lapses in their marriage. Also see if their marriage can be worked out or she leaves. I don't believe in divorce but I feel it is a personal issue. And it is not ryt to stay in a marriage cos of family ties or opinion of others. It is only the opinion of the two in the marriage that counts.

The other guy should sort his marital problems with his wife in whichever way will be acceptable to them. Whatever the case it, it is still none of your business.

I actually feel for your friend but she is having sex with another woman's husband. IT IS WRONG. I would not stay with an abusive man but her friend and his wife can definitely repair their marriage. She thinks she is suffering now but wait until it finally dawns on her that she is just there to scratch the itch. She needs to break it off and focus on healing herself. She is just setting herself up for more disappointment

deniyor:

I see no reason to cheat. Adultery is wrong, no matter the petty reasons involved. Rather than work out her marriage, she resorts to being 'comforted' by the other guy. Yes they both got shytty marriages, but they should concentrate on making it right instead of jumping into bed.

The other guy might hv a 'fake' wife but its none of your friend's business. Neither is it yours.
If your friend's husband is cheating on her, she should sit him down and discuss the lapses in their marriage. Also see if their marriage can be worked out or she leaves. I don't believe in divorce but I feel it is a personal issue. And it is not ryt to stay in a marriage cos of family ties or opinion of others. It is only the opinion of the two in the marriage that counts.

The other guy should sort his marital problems with his wife in whichever way will be acceptable to them. Whatever the case it, it is still none of your business.

Its none of my business believe me I judged and condemned her but at the end of the day i still have to help her through this, thats what friends do, i may not like her actions but she is still my friend. First of all, the guy has tried to get his wife back, she refused cos all her friends are in Uk, with thier kids. For my friends marriage, i remember that before they got married she almost broke it off but both familes her and his (he excluding) came
came and begged her, and its been the same, anytime she wants to leave they stop her. I have advised her to try and face both families squarely. Believe me, she has tried to work on her marriage, she is a nice person, she has done everything a human being can do, i know, she is a lot older than me but i have known her for a long time. She has tried. The other family i know from far but even before i knew this, i knew the mans wife as a handful. She told him to get a mistress in Nigeria since he wants to be stuck here, that hse has finished having kids and is really not interested in acting wife.
I think i will advice her to have a temporary sepreration from her husband, even though they dont leave together still she should brave up and leave, he has told her time without number to leave when she is tired.

Meanwhile understand the context of these marriages. Rich families like to keep thier kids in check amd in control, thank God for my parents, most times you are foreever tied to your parents strings, they will always hang you with one thing. Most of these marriages you see on TV being shown live with all the show and after a year or 2 collapses. Ths]ese are the kind of families they both have, most times they have value for anything only stive to keep the walls and class they have built for years. To them marriage is not about love and friendship but about keeping up with the trends, everybody's child is getting married, our kids should be married, everybodys kids are abroad, my grand kids should be abroad.

This is no case.They knew from the begining they were not compatible,they wanted to impress and please families by getting married against all odds so  . . .
I wudnt call that adultery as I dont see their union as marriage.They just had kids together IMO.The wife might be sh.agging in London,my only pity is for the kids from the union.

@ifyalways

right on target there.

ifyalways:

This is no case.They knew from the begining they were not compatible,they wanted to impress and please families by getting married against all odds so . . .
I wudnt call that adultery as I dont see their union as marriage.They just had kids together IMO.The wife might be sh.agging in London,my only pity is for the kids from the union.

Thank you my sister, same thing I have been telling her, she is no longer Daddys little girl, its time to brave up and face life

//

aisha2:

Recently and shockingly, i found out that a married friend was having an affair with another married family friend of thiers. Usually i never believe that there is an excuse for adultery but after listening to her in tears, i started to ponder of some cases of adultery can be justified, am saying this not because she is my friend but because of the circumstances. My friend and her husband were matchmade by their families same with the other couple, this kind family friends, same class thing. The guys wife ( the man my friend is having an affair with) is as fake as they come, sorry to say, this kind I must belong people, she must keep up t every fashion trend and new ideology, she lives in London with her kids now against her husbands wish so her kids could be british trained even though they are just 2 and 4, she never wants to come to Nigeria so he works his head off here to fund the london life of his wife cos she does not work. Now my friends husband is just a bad person, he does not even realise that he has a wife, he does not send her, he cheats on her openly, verbally abuses her, nothing she does is good enough, even though she is one of the pretiest and smartest women i have ever met.
According to her, both of them usually consoled each other and adviced each other and feelings kept growing between them, one day after traveling to her husbands base to spend the weekend and finding another woman there with her husband walking her out at night, she took the firt flight in the morning came back, called the family friend to pick her at the airport, she said she was sobbing and he was comforting her they started kissing and have been having an affair for 2 years.
They cannot divorce thier spouses because they all have strong family ties, she says it kills her in church whenever adultery is being preached but this man makes her happy and viceversa. she looks better, he takes care of her and she him.
Am confused, dont know how to advise

I'm not so hypocritical not to admit that cheating under those circumstances will be very easy to do. Infact, I will call them both saints if they didn't cheat!

But . . . . I always say, as you make your bed, so you lie on it. Why stay in an abusive relationship? They both made their choices and blaming their families is just weak. If they respect their families that much, how do they think they will react if they found out about their affair (especially your friend who is the woman)

She's using him as an escape and so is he? Is that healthy? I thought a woman with a husband like hers will be more cautious when it came to men!

It's complicated quite alright, but I dont support living in dishonesty.

If the foundation is wrong or the relationship is not working out, come clean out of it and move on.

The games they are playing is more terrible than the problems facing their marriages.

if their game comes out to light, they will be seen more as the problem and not as victims of wrong marriages.

One would hope that protection is used by both her and the husband, the person she's cheating with and the person the cheaters wife is probarbly having an affair with.

at the end of the day, we'll all answer for our own transgressions come judgement day, so why should we live other people's choices for us. *smh*

When you are married, there will be lots of problems. You do whatever it takes to work it out, and that does not involve jumping into bed with another man. If you cant work it out or you think that marriage is not the right one for you, you get out - Legally. Then you can jump in bed with anything you want!

It is not your friend's position to take care of another woman's husband no matter how negligent she might be. Let her save her energy on how own dying marriage. Remember, there are two sides to a story.

Cheating is wrong. It is better to Divorce or end a current relationship or marriage before exploring a new relationship. My ex and I hated eachother, but I can say neither of us cheated. We divorced and moved on. We are trustworthy for our new partners. I would also advise to avoid and serious relationship with someone who cheated in their marriage.

I can say this because I have the position, because I was faithful to my vows until the end.

by the way the ex and I only had sx about 1 time every 6 months in the end. Still not an excuse to cheat, though I have been tempted.

Marry who you love or love who you marry. The consequences of adultery is beyond huma imagination. I`m sure d good lord will not accept any explanation or justification if they were to stand in his presence this moment.

Tell your friend to seek the face of the Almighty for deliverance and direction so she can find peace n joy.

ifyalways:

This is no case.They knew from the begining they were not compatible,they wanted to impress and please families by getting married against all odds so  . . .
I wudnt call that adultery as I dont see their union as marriage.They just had kids together IMO.The wife might be sh.agging in London,my only pity is for the kids from the union.

.

If it is not ADULTERY, then what is it called?
Only single ladies like u can make such malicious and fallacious remarks about marriage and the action of the woman above.

@Poster
Please, advise your friend to quickly desist from it and turn to God to help her.
Marriage is for better and for worse and is for LIFE

they are both justified, . . . And this is not me trying to be funny. Its only someone who is in a hellish marriage that knows.

oisehumen:

.

If it is not ADULTERY, then what is it called?
Only single ladies like u can make such malicious and fallacious remarks about marriage and the action of the woman above.

@Poster
Please, advise your friend to quickly desist from it and turn to God to help her.
Marriage is for better and for worse and is for LIFE

Its called HELP, the guy is keeping the woman 'warm' and consoling her for her bad marriage. Wish men will be this nice to all hurting females, reduces the rate of suicide.

^^^^ I will be keeping ur wife warm too. Dont mention it, you are welcome.

deniyor:

^^^^ I will be keeping your wife warm too. Dont mention it, you are welcome.

But she doesnt need help na! The woman in our story was sobbing on another man's shoulders and the man 'helped' her and her life has never remained the same since.

oisehumen:

.

If it is not ADULTERY, then what is it called?
Only single ladies like u can make such malicious and fallacious remarks about marriage and the action of the woman above.

@Poster
Please, advise your friend to quickly desist from it and turn to God to help her.
Marriage is for better and for worse and is for LIFE

LOL
You sound hungry,when was the last time u had a  meal 
If the story of the OP sounds like marriage to you,then u need help more than the OP's friends.
Btwn,are u single too,we can hook up sometime 

Hungry ke
Check my pic and see if i look like a hungry man
Oya, lets hook up now if u think u are single indeed. I dare u

But sincerely, that lady should stop seeing that  man.

oisehumen:


Oya, lets hook up now if u think u are single indeed. I dare u

oisehumen:

.
Only single ladies like u can make such malicious and fallacious remarks about marriage and the action of the woman above.

Hungry,Confused and Undecided.Bad Combo.
Have a good day Mister

From posts, i can tell the kind of lady u are and the kind of company u keep
It impossible for a responsible married lady to write such posts.
U lack respect and u have no respect for marriage

They cannot divorce thier spouses because they all have strong family ties, she says it kills her in church whenever adultery is being preached but this man makes her happy and viceversa. she looks better, he takes care of her and she him..

U asked me if the poster mentioned whether the lady was married or not. Can u divorce when u are not married? Sincerely, u have no biz contributing to this topic

There can never be any case or justification for adultery. Though, the lady in question and her husband could have been match-made by whoever, they made their choices. Marriage is not for babies;marriage is a choice. One of the follies pervading our society is people not taking full responsibilities for the choices they make. They rather blame somebody, something or even the 'innocent' devil for errors committed.

My advice for your friend is this. Just like deniyor had advised, let her concentrate on making her marriage works. What gives her the impression that the wife of her newly found lover will not wake up from her slumber and make a reclaim to her husband? And when that happens, she becomes a complete loser. Blunt truth is, divorce is not an option or a way out. It hurts more. She should let go of the strange man and channel her energies, passion, attention and emotion on her marriage in ensuring it works.

oisehumen:

From posts, i can tell the kind of lady u are and the kind of company u keep
It impossible for a responsible married lady to write such posts.
U lack respect and u have no respect for marriage

Oga, if you had taken your time you will see that it I condemned my friends action but i cannot condemn my friend she is still my friend the act is bad not her. Anyway, she has gathered liver, packed her kids and left her husband. she is moving abroad with her kids. She got a job offer in America, will do her a world of good, she will be cut off from her family strings because she works for Daddy and Daddy controls her every breathe. Now she can start from the scratch. Thanks for all you advice. The man is also trying to sort out himself but i advised her to rebuild her own life first and forget about the man for now. She should not be the reason for his leaving his wife, he should sort his issues out

^^ You need not waste your time and effort responding to that post, should have applied the principle of 'abhorring ignorance and ignoring stupidity', guess you have heard of that new NL principle, courtesy of Plat.

Good development though.

I don't really know where to attribute the issue of adultery to; race, technology, culture, education or what? In my own part of the world (Ndokwa, Delta State), a married woman remains a married woman until her bride price is refunded to her husband' family under which she can jump into whosoever man or woman' bed as she so desires. Else, a natural death penalty awaits her.

If you happen to be married against your will and wish maybe due to ignorance of some sort in time past and has become knowledgeable now, while not call it a quite if not ammendable and ahead with your own life.

However, as it relates to this scenario, I suggest the two family go for a swap. Aisha, let your friend talk to her boyfriend for possible swap of husband and wife. The should get married while the boyfriend' wife in Uk gets married to your friends husband (LWKMFH_{Laugh Wan Kill Me For Here}) , BMA (Bad Marriage Alleviation).

OAM4J:

^^ You need not waste your time and effort responding to that post, should have applied the principle of 'abhorring ignorance and ignoring stupidity', guess you have heard of that new NL principle, courtesy of Plat.

Good development though.

Oisehumen's post addressed to the OP is in post 16, you can clearly see he hasn't quite got then hang of quoting posts properly yet, hence reason it looks like he was referring to the OP in his subsequent posts

aisha2:

. . . Usually i never believe that there is an excuse for adultery but after listening to her in tears, i started to ponder of some cases of adultery can be justified, am saying this not because she is my friend but because of the circumstances. Am confused, dont know how to advise

This is a classic case of "BEWARE OF THE COMPANY YOU KEEP".

aisha2:

Its none of my business believe me I judged and condemned her but at the end of the day i still have to help her through this, thats what friends do, i may not like her actions but she is still my friend. First of all, the guy has tried to get his wife back, she refused cos all her friends are in Uk, with thier kids. For my friends marriage, i remember that before they got married she almost broke it off but both familes her and his (he excluding) came
came and begged her, and its been the same, anytime she wants to leave they stop her. I have advised her to try and face both families squarely. Believe me, she has tried to work on her marriage, she is a nice person, she has done everything a human being can do, i know, she is a lot older than me but i have known her for a long time. She has tried. [size=14pt]The other family i know from far but even before i knew this, i knew the mans wife as a handful. She told him to get a mistress in Nigeria since he wants to be stuck here, that hse has finished having kids and is really not interested in acting wife.[/size]
I think i will advice her to have a temporary sepreration from her husband, even though they dont leave together still she should brave up and leave, [size=14pt]he has told her time without number to leave when she is tired.[/size]

Your friend's Husband has told her she can pack her bags and go to blazes, the wife of the guy she is cheating with has told her Husband "she is done with having kids and playing wifey so her hubby should go get a mistress".

YOUR FRIEND IS ONLY TRYING TO JUSTIFY HER REASON FOR CHEATING, AND YOU ARE UNWITTINGLY BEING ROPED INTO THIS MELEE BY HER FEEDING YOU SOB STORIES TO CORRUPT YOUR THINKING, HENCE REASON YOU ARE NOW CONFUSED AND HAVE BEEN BAMBOZZLED INTO THE "ADULTERY IS SOMETIMES JUSTIFIED" TERRITORY

I agree 100% with Deniyor's posts.