Good day nairalanders.
please I need matured and honest advice from matured and honest minds in this honourable house.
I am a single parent
aged.. 41 yrs
lost my wife in 2016
I have three children all boys.
The first boy is 12 and in J s s 1
The second is 10 and would be in J s s 1 by this September.
The third boy is in primary 3.
it hasn't been easy taking care of my family single handedly .
I wake up by 4am to cook and prepare my children for school, I drive them to school, then to business.
in the evening I pick them up from school then to the kitchen.
I do everything in the house.
Am somehow getting used to these things but it's not all that easy.
Initially I had the intention of remarrying.
But am changing my mind now.
Am considering the problems associated with stepmothers and step-children
the peace and happiness of my children,
the problems of women in the family,
having to startt all-over again pampering and taking care of a pregnant woman, nursing mother and new born babies,
catering for a bigger family in this next-level government.

Am now thinking of getting a house-help,
adopt a baby girl,
live my life
give my children the best I can
to full adult-hood,
get married maybe at 60 to a menopaused lady of about 40 to 45 yrs. and enjoy my remaining life with her, God willing.
some people advice me to remarry while some say I should wait and train up my kids.
please great comrades, what do you think.
matured and brotherly advice please.
Remain blessed nairalanders.
THANK YOU ALL



dp

It's not about just remarrying.
Who do you plan on marrying?
If you are more interested in getting married, than who you will be getting married to, then please, no marriage.

From your write up, you've made it clear that —

1. You enjoy taking care of your kids.
2. It doesn't stress you and you've all adapted well.
3. You can all cope without a maternal presence.

This here in my opinion is happy home.

Introducing a new character can disrupt the equilibrium.
Are you willing to take such risk?

I am not belittling the importance of maternal touch in the life of every home but I can write a page about the drama of step mothers but you know that yourself.

My advice is to put your kids first until they are adults and then your life is your own. To help with the chores, please do employ a good house help. Someone you can trust not just a stranger. God bless you and your kids.

I will advise you to get a househelp since the happiness of your kids is your priority, because no woman alive will ever love your children like her own. It's impossible.

Get a househelp that will be helping you with house chores. Your kids are still are still tender for wahalas from stepmothers.

You need to analyse your situation and ask your self some questions -

why do i want to get married? If your answer is to help with house chores and errands - then get a maid/help to do that and pay them monthly

If its to procreate more children - then you can get married/have an arrangement etc

If its for companionship - then there are lots of women who have fertility challenges and may never be able to concieve naturally; or perhaps consider marrying a widow or a single mum who is uninterested in having more children and together, you raise a blended family where each child is loved and treated equally and fairly......ONLY DO THIS IF YOU CAN LOVE THE WOMAN's CHILDREN AS YOURS.

You shouldn't get married just to find a new mum for children. It is not fair on your children, it is not fair on anyone you marry, it is not fair on you.
You should date though, or at least meet people, that's if you want to and it won't damage your relationship with your children.
Your relationship with your children will be a long one and you want the very best for them, so think about this. Your children wants a happy dad, a dad that doesn't define himself as a stigma or problem. It doesn't mean their dad is limited or unable to lead a fulfilling life beyond the confines of his relationship with his children.
If u haven't gotten over your dead wife, you don't have to force it, there is nothing wrong in this, it's a sign of love and character, which a partner would find admirable and attractive. If you're capable of love before then you still capable now, just take time in finding the right woman.
If u truly love your children, you must learn to love yourself and then learn to love another.

step mothers RE demons

Thank you comrades for your advices and suggestions so far to a brother in need of them.
God bless you all..
more please

My hat's off to you for single-handedly raising your three kids after the loss of your wife - as opposed to moving another woman in right away. You're doing the right thing by taking your time to grieve and to find a suitable step-mother for them. You're superman in my books.

Re. you wanting...
~ "a househelp" - good idea. but b|c your kids are males, the househelp should be male.
~ "to adopt a baby girl" - bad idea. b|c you've enough on your plate w| three kids already; your finances; a baby girl needs at least a female parent.

UPMIKE:
Good day nairalanders.
please I need matured and honest advice from matured and honest minds in this honourable house.
I am a single parent
aged.. 41 yrs
lost my wife in 2016
I have three children all boys.
The first boy is 12 and in J s s 1
The second is 10 and would be in J s s 1 by this September.
The third boy is in primary 3.
it hasn't been easy taking care of my family single handedly .
I wake up by 4am to cook and prepare my children for school, I drive them to school, then to business.
in the evening I pick them up from school then to the kitchen.
I do everything in the house.
Am somehow getting used to these things but it's not all that easy.
Initially I had the intention of remarrying.
But am changing my mind now.
Am considering the problems associated with stepmothers and step-children
the peace and happiness of my children,
the problems of women in the family,
having to startt all-over again pampering and taking care of a pregnant woman, nursing mother and new born babies,
catering for a bigger family in this next-level government.

Am now thinking of getting a house-help,
adopt a baby girl,
live my life
give my children the best I can
to full adult-hood,
get married maybe at 60 to a menopaused lady of about 40 to 45 yrs. and enjoy my remaining life with her, God willing.
some people advice me to remarry while some say I should wait and train up my kids.
please great comrades, what do you think.
matured and brotherly advice please.
Remain blessed nairalanders.
THANK YOU ALL



dp

How have you been coping with sex?

First of all, sorry you have to do it all by yourself. I can only imagine how tough it must have been and I have great respect that you found a way to adapt to the situation. My respect for you grew as I was reading your post and how you consider your children's well-being in all your decisions and your strength as you have a very busy schedule and loads of responsibility.

Your considerations are very valid. A new person in the family changes everything. I understand you found a way to run your family relatively smooth and you do not want anyone to mess with the system, especially because your boys have already had to deal with the loss of their mother.

I urge you nonetheless to consider what is good for you as well. Your desires must not and do not necessarily collide with your boys' well-being and happiness. If you find the right partner, she will contribute to your family life in lots of positive ways. You do not need to get married right away or within a year. And maybe you should look out for a widow who understands your situation and that of your boys like no other. In any case, make sure the new woman has the heart of an angel. Such women exist.

If, however, you are fulfilled or satisfied for now, which many singles are, with or without children, focus on yourself and your boys and allow things to develop naturally.

Last, I believe that you do not really need other people's opinions. You know best what is good for your family. Just keep in mind that you have other options than the ones you have mentioned here.

bukatyne:


How have you been coping with sex?

Is sex food?
Is sex a leisure?
Is sex a job?
Does sex guarantee peace?

Have you heard of a man who died for not having sex in his life time?

Sex is meant for procreation and not a casual act of fun!

Do not copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.--Romans 12:2

@upmike

I'm sorry for the loss of your wife,it sounds like you are doing a very good job with the children.

Your concerns are valid and it is good you are wary of changing the dynamics as your children are at a very delicate stage,two of them will soon be teenagers.

The choice is yours,some people would rather raise their kids till they're independent before remarrying,some marry immediately,some never remarry.

Different strokes for different folks,you just have to weigh the risks and benefits properly.

Do you want more children or not,how would your children feel about having a new woman in their lives, etc

All you have listed can happen without marriage, you can employ someone to do chores in your home and leave at the end of the day.

You can have a lady companion who provides you with warmth,sex and conversation and may not even want to be married or saddled full time with caring for children.

Any arrangement can be made with a female provided you are crystal clear about what you want.

Best of luck!

Rare men, my friend father did this until his last born graduated from the University. He was a prof when he decided to remarry. After years but still yet, the new wife made the home non conducive for the grown kids. Married women and man oh. N you know what, the children were the one that convinced their dad to remarry. Please leave marriage for now, most ladies now have this bad attitude towards their husbands relatives not to talk of step kids. Please exercise more patience, let them enter university. Then the competition will be minimal from their step mum. You have truly tried. More grace!!!

Hey man.. Sorry for your loss... I'm glad you got the ability to step up and do the best that you can for your kids all these while... I know it's really challenging even going by your write up...

But don't u think you are confusing a nanny for a wife?
What we are talking about here is marriage right?.. Some one u want to share a life with.. Someone that u love not for the sake of the kids but for your own sake right?

If you are doing it for the kids, then I must say that the motive for it is wrong..because u won't love the woman you just wanted someone that will take care of your kids.. For me I tag it playing with one's emotions..

If u are looking for nanny, who will relief you from some of those chores and who can take care of your kids in your absence then don't mistake the two (wife & nanny )..

I might be wrong though but Based on your write up reading between the lines, I will advise that you look for a nanny for now because u are emotionally unavailable at the moment for a wife...

Abcruz:


Is sex food?
Is sex a leisure?
Is sex a job?
Does sex guarantee peace?

Have you heard of a man who died for not having sex in his life time?

Sex is meant for procreation and not a casual act of fun

Do not copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.--Romans 12:2

@bold does it mean that people should only have sex when they want to have children
What should they be doing when they are done having kids?

bukatyne:


How have you been coping with sex?

www.nairaland.com/attachments/9293862_close_jpeg132c89448a13673e6db86a372c14a14b

So sad about your wife . . . may her soul rest in peace, amen!

First of all, no to adopting a daughter, or marrying for procreation. I know you are young now and any women you marry Will want kids, so I also vote NO to marrying again. Except you've met someone you really love and who loves you and your kids.

Get a maid, an elderly woman or a male to help you with chores. No need to put yourself under undue stress . . .

Get a girlfriend to meet your 'other needs' and be careful not to get roped in with baby mama drama.

Raise your kids, and when they are all grwon, find someone to marry for companionship.

Don't make you like more complicated than it has to be.

Abcruz:


Is sex food?
Is sex a leisure?
Is sex a job?
Does sex guarantee peace?

Have you heard of a man who died for not having sex in his life time?

Sex is meant for procreation and not a casual act of fun!

Do not copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.--Romans 12:2

Sex is not for fun?

So a couple who intend to have two kids should lockup thereafter?

Same Bible that tells married couple not to abstain from sex too much so they are not tempted. That tells men to be satisfied with the breasts of their wives?

Read Songs of Solomon and learn about sex.

Do you realize that marriage is for children, sex and companionship?

Please don't mislead people.

truthsayer009:




www.nairaland.com/attachments/9293862_close_jpeg132c89448a13673e6db86a372c14a14b

I love love the fact that you didn't send your kids off to a family member to take care of, you are rare, God bless you for this sir, pls just get a house help, preferably a male to help you out cos marrying will sort of ruffle your already balanced and contented life, however it is your choice to make, pray about it if you're religious and ask for guidance from God.

Sorry for the loss of your wife.

I'm just imagining an all boys house! Must be pretty rough being you right now. Get married please. Find a good woman who probably have her kids too and love children plus fear God. Good luck.

Taking care of children is not an easy job.
I would advise you steer clear of marriage for now, and raise your children till they are of age and can fend for themselves.
Afterwards, look for a lady who also has grown children, and keep yourselves company.

Ladyhippolyta88:

@bold does it mean that people should only have sex when they want to have children
What should they be doing when they are done having kids?

They will play ludo

eyinjuege:

They will play ludo

But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.

So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am.

But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.
1 Corinthians 7:7-9

bukatyne:


Sex is not for fun?

So a couple who intend to have two kids should lockup thereafter?

Same Bible that tells married couple not to abstain from sex too much so they are not tempted. That tells men to be satisfied with the breasts of their wives?

Read Songs of Solomon and learn about sex.

Do you realize that marriage is for children, sex and companionship?

Please don't mislead people.

I beg to differ with the bolded opinion of yours.

In the old testament, God regularly refers to Israel as His wife.
Understood this way, the Songs of Solomon is an expression of the kind of intimacy God desires to have with His elect and not a lesson about sex.

Please be guided.

Abcruz:


I beg to differ with the bolded opinion of yours.

In the old testament, God regularly refers to Israel as His wife.
Understood this way, the Songs of Solomon is an expression of the kind of intimacy God desires to have with His elect and not a lesson about sex.

Please be guided.

Asexual human beings everywhere, using bible and God to cover up. The Parameciums and the Amoebas.

Songs of Solomon that described sex explicitly.
I wouldn't want God to admire my breast and other hidden body parts the way Solomon admired his lovers body in that explicitly written book of his. It is creepy.

Theyoungmatron:
Asexual human beings everywhere, using bible and God to cover up. The Parameciums and the Amoebas.

Songs of Solomon that described sex explicitly.
I wouldn't want God to admire my breast and other hidden body parts the way Solomon admired his lovers body in that explicitly written book of his. It is creepy.

You're entitled to your opinions.

@op I cannot advice you on whether to marry a wife or not. I think you know the answer deep in your heart you only seek validation maybe due to external pressure.

What I want to talk about is the children. They are at an age that even if their mother was still around they would have started sharing the burden of house chores. You should teach them and supervise for a while till they get it right.

You are a super man, I must admit. You must avoid burnout, so you have to sit them down and explain to them that you need their help in running the house. Don't think they are too young to understand. You can set up a time table for them to ease adjustment.

The oldest and middle should be able to help, this are some of the chores you can teach them at their age. Loading the washing machine and offloading after you must have sorted it for them, sweeping the house, folding clothes, washing dishes, picking out and hanging next day clothes/uniform, washing water bottles, washing toilet, helping with meal preparation (picking beans, washing rice etc light work to start with). Also teach all of them to clean up after themselves immediately(you spill something you sweep it up or clean up with a rag)

Even the last child in primary 3 should be washing dishes. There is so much I could say but let me stop here.

RIP to the dead, she is having peace where she is becos you have not failed her, or failed her children. You are a real man. Get a house help, your health is the most important, becos from your narration you are over stressed. So many young people are developing high BP daily. Your family is a beautiful one, I don't see it having same beauty if you get entangled with a single mother who has kids. Meaning her kids and your kids will live under one roof, as step children, after marriage, she may also want to have a child for you, so look at such a picture? issues may definitely arise in future. Don't wait till 60 before you remarry, don't cheat yourself of a companion for such a long time, marry at 50yrs, at 50, all your children will be adults in the university, and dats when loneliness sets in. Yes, go for a single lady of 40-45, many women still give birth at 40-45, and a single woman would want to have her own kids, (one child from her would be okay), so that you don't overcrowd your home with step children. The lesser the step children, the lesser the conflicts. Don't adopt a girl. Your son's will marry in future and give you female grandchildren.