A bad situation might leave you hating yourself even if you did little or nothing for it to happen.

Most of the time, you will rationalise the event while telling yourself things like "Why did I even travel that day?". It happens that whenever you replay that event in your mind, you will keep hating yourself.

Now, hating yourself drains you of positive energy. Despite whatever you do or achieve you will never be happy with it.

Then, you begin to exist instead of to live. Like a dying tree, you move about swaying to wind.

But that's not how to live. You have to forgive yourself to live a great life.

These tips will help you to self-heal.

It's Fine to Feel Guilty

Studies have shown that people who felt guilty after an incident are more likely to change for the better than those who don't. Most of the time hating oneself comes from trying to feign an air of innocence. When it becomes too much to bear that you realise you had no strength to draw upon. However, guilt is different from self-condemnation. You have to feel remorseful so that it'll not happen again.

In situations that you were clearly not at fault like in a case of rape, guilt might set in. But remind yourself that you wouldn't have been able to protect yourself. Instead of blaming yourself, deal with the misconceptions that you're responsible for it.

Remember What Happened

The Polish-American scholar, Alfred Korzybski, was famous for saying “God may forgive your sins, but your nervous system won't”. There's no way forgiveness will happen when you downplay the event. Own up to what happened because the pain is deep inside you. If you try to imagine it didn't happen, you will end up hurting yourself.

A big part of forgiveness is that you will not only acknowledge the event but try to make it not happen again.

Did you cheat on your spouse? You can forgive yourself only if you don't dismiss the event.

Bad Memories Will Arise

During the forgiveness process, it even happens after, you will have a flashback of the event. This usually happens when events or people prompt the memory to come back. For instance, you cheated on your wife in a hotel, it’s not uncommon for you to remember the events that led to your cheating.

You need to prepare for such memories. Some people react violently to these memories. Try to limit places or situations that awaken these memories at least for the early stage.

Try breathing techniques to calm yourself. You can also try walking around if you have a chance to do so.

Confide in Someone

One of the best ways to forgive yourself is if you tell someone you trust well enough. That person will help you in the healing process. Be careful of judgemental people. They might rollback whatever gain you have made.

We are social people and tend to relate to people. Look for someone you can feel safe in their arms. This person might be an older and exposed person that will not blame you for what you did or what happened.

Make sure you tell everything. Because if you hide some details, those details might come back to haunt you.

You might need to publicise if it’s a situation that might need others to be wary of. Rape incident, for example, is something that someone might need to know of to be wary of the rapist.

Another instance is my mum who lost her son due to hospital negligence. Part of the forgiveness process was making the hospital pay for what they did. This also protected others who might want to visit the hospital.

Draw on a Higher Power

The world is a spiritual one. You can draw on a higher power available to you.

You can meditate.

You can pray.

You can even use natural processes like yoga and massage.

Try any of these processes to give you inner strength. You need to understand that you need help to forgive yourself.
Remember Time Heals Everything

Warren Buffet quip about patience when he said, “You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant”. This is the same with forgiveness. No matter how you try, you can’t heal yourself immediately. It’s a conscious effort over time that will help you heal.

Forgiveness is very hard to do. But if you do, you will find out that you will live better and people will begin to notice the change in you.

To get more of helpful relationship tips, check my signature.