Would you let your husband and his family force you to send your 5 year old back to your village in Naija to "learn respect and be brought up with a "strong pride" in Nigeria" ? (this is their reasoning for doing this).

My friend is in this dilemma and she is fighting tooth and nail to stop this. She is Nigerian and her husband is too. She has 5 year old twins whom i think are so well behaved for kids their age. These are her only children and the thought of them being away from her for 5 years is driving her crazy (grandmama wants to keep them till they turn 10). She can't go with them because of her job. What can she do?

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chaircover:

If they are British citizens, then call in social services to get them put on the at risk register or something period.

If your husband and grandmother didn't want any of the white mans culture to rub off on the kids, then they should have given birth to and kept the kids in their village from the onset rather than parting the kids from their mother.

Good behavior mostly depends on the upbringing & how much time parents are prepared to invest in their kids and you can bring a child up in the slums of Nigeria or even in the white house and he/she can still turn out bad.

Send those kids to Nigeria or anywhere else for that matter and in 5 years time your friend will be getting back twin strangers. Its as simple as that.

The kids are American Citizens being that they were born here. the parents are Green Card holders. I had suggested getting our local DYFS involved but she doesn't want State involvement for fear they might decided that the children were in danger or with unfit parents and take them away to place in a foster home. i don't blame her for thinking like that because in the State of New Jersey, DYFS is known to have no mercy and will remove children for the most flimsy reason.
She is threatning to leave him if he keeps pushing this. They are planning on going home for Christmas and thats when he wants the twins to remain.

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Is this a sort of joke?In this day and age  
She needs to sit down and talk with her husband ooh b4 water pass garri.Pls,that excuse is not only ridiculous and lame but is known to be a ploy used by lazy parents that want to shy away from the responsibility of bringing up their children.
If those kids go back,she wud def. be getting back strangers,the move wud do more harm than gud.
Its  a very delicate and dangerous situation now.she needs to apply wisdom.
bottomline:she shld coerce and make her husband see reasons with her, better still,let grannie come stay with them for sometime .

@ Chaircover, actually, when I was brought into this drama,  i suggested to the husband that maybe the kids should only spend holidays with their grandparents, but only when they are a little bit bigger; @ 5 they are still babies!  and are susceptible to diseases and all what not! Those kids have lived their lives with electricty, proper healthcare, dental care, etc. They will not survive malaria or any other childhood disease we that were born and bred in Naija suffered from!
He wouldn't hear of it, saying his mother wants to spend quality time with the kids before she dies since she doesn't get to see them like normal grandparents too 
One thing i know is if DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services) gets involved, this case will get even bigger.

@Ify, grannie no wan come oh! she is one of thee die hard village women who would rather use herbs than go see a doctor, and that's whom my friends husband wants his only children to go and live with for 5 years. MalriHe is a real mama's boy being an only son and will do ANYTHING she tells hime.

As a friend, i can't really involve myself too deep in this matter. I can only support my friend in whatever decision she makes. I don't want people saying i caused more problems by trying to help. A few of the Igbo men in our town here in NJ know of this wahala and are talking to the husband, maybe they will get him to see reason.

i am so fed up with this belief that kids brought up in nigeria are somehow better - sorry but its not where u bring up your kids its how. if the upbringing is so wonderful back home why is the society there just something else.

abeg if u can't instill morals in your kids in the west i doubt your going to do it where they will see all sorts of social ills back home. abi all the girls doing prostitution back home were shipped in from the UK and America right.

my dear poster as a soon to be mother - i would personally not allow it myself and i'm sorry even my own village that is considered a town is not the same as america, village life is a whole 360 degrees different from life in the west.

5 yrs is STILL quite young for such journey.

I believe the husband is being unrealistic with his wishful thinking. Training a child in the village is not a criteria for proper morals because most children who grow up in the village particularly under the tutelage of their granny are worst because they are over pampered. All she need do is to convince the husband on why she can't release the kids at their tender age to stay with their granny permanently and ensure she keeps their papers away from him.

So what is wrong in sending your children over to their Grandparent to learn their Native Customs and Language? You guys make it sound as if they are being sent to a concentration camp. Their present age and the length of stay is the only issue that raises concern.

at the end the kids will be well trained and cultured enuff to succed in the u.s cos of the oppurtunities exhibited.

what rubbish values are they talking about that cant be learnt where they are? Strong Nigerian pride ? what a load of Bollocks, your friends husband is trying to run away from babysitter fees because thats probably his normal excuse for his family when they ask him to send money home .

what he doesnt know is that when those kids are in nigeria they will scrape his head for him, they will demand heaven and earth all in the guise that they are looking after his kids and they want the kids to be comfortable , they need to renovate the room that they will stay in thus renovate the house, food nko, they wont be able to account for all the money they will have to send home in the end it will turn out to be the silliest move ever made by him

by the way this happened to a friend of mine's older sister, the worst thing is that he couldnt challenge any money they were requesting because obviously it was for his little darlings

my suggestion is that why don't they all move back to nigeria together for the 5years to learn the values as a family . Nonsense!

Can grandmother not go over for 5 years to America she can teach them all she wants.  If Grandmother cannot do that then its too bad!  

The mother better wise up she carried those babies for 9months and went thru labour I would never let anyone take my kids away.  It is a myth that they cannot learn the language and the custom while living in America.  Chinese, Indian etc manage it why cant Nigerians?

She needs to forget her job and work part-time if child care is an issue better she gets packs out even if it is temp and what kind of monster is she living with why he wont he listen?

If she hasnt started she better start speaking their language to them. It is a false idea that those babies cannot be bought up properly with their parents.

Rubbish

Godbless you LadyT, it will be cheaper for them in the long run

LadyT:

Can grandmother not go over for 5 years to America she can teach them all she wants.  If Grandmother cannot do that then its too bad!  

The mother better wise up she carried those babies for 9months and went thru labour I would never let anyone take my kids away.  It is a myth that they cannot learn the language and the custom while living in America.  Chinese, Indian etc manage it why cant Nigerians?

She needs to forget her job and work part-time if child care is an issue better she gets packs out even if it is temp and what kind of monster is she living with why he wont he listen?

If she hasnt started she better start speaking their language to them. It is a false idea that those babies cannot be bought up properly with their parents.

Rubbish

indian, chinese do not blend in-transparent.
a naija person will sty in u.s for 20yrs and start calling theirselves american, but even when their grandparents were born there an indian will always call himself indian.

how many nigerians born in u.s can speak their language ??

Is this a joke or something? To think the husband is in accordance with the idea.

Parents must play the role of parents, and Grandparents, the role of Grandparents.
In the affairs of a child, the parents' say is first and paramount.
What Grandmama wants must be put aside, husband and wife should sort the issue out between themselves.
Mother can take the kids to Nigeria [Village] for a visit but leave them with Grandmama for ''upbringing'' purpose? Nah Nah, for me.

abhosts:

So what is wrong in sending your children over to their Grandparent to learn their Native Customs and Language? You guys make it sound as if they are being sent to concentration camps. Their present age and the length of stay is the only issue that raises concern.

Everything.
What are the parents there for? If Grandma so wants to be an essential part of their childhood, she can always go over to America but the kids must remain under the roof of their parents.

@makkajibbz

i grew up in nigeria , but i cant speak my language fluently but i do understand it very well, that doesnt make me less Nigerian and as far as Nigerian pride goes, havent got a clue what that entails , surely to have the Nigerian pride ,there must be something to be proud about .

obi123:

@makkajibbz

i grew up in nigeria , but i cant speak my language fluently but i do understand it very well, that doesnt make me less Nigerian and as far as Nigerian pride goes, havent got a clue what that entails , surely to have the Nigerian pride ,there must be something to be proud about .

so, wat yu r sayin is their's no reason to be proud of Nigeria

Why do people think shipping off their kids to Naija instantly installs respect and good morals? Keep your kids with you in the U.S where there is healthcare and opportunity and play an active part in their lives.

obi123:

@makkajibbz

i grew up in nigeria , but i cant speak my language fluently but i do understand it very well, that doesnt make me less Nigerian and as far as Nigerian pride goes, havent got a clue what that entails , surely to have the Nigerian pride ,there must be something to be proud about .

Same here.

I know a Yoruba woman whose 3 daughters were born here and they speak Yoruba so well. Even better than English.

i dont know about you all but my chidren will be nigerian, whether born in u.s,u.k or mars

The only problem I see is that they are too young, Maybe by 10 they can go for high School in Nigeria to learn the culture and come to America for holidays

I think its important that they learn their parents culture. I would want my children to associate more with their Nigerian heritage even if they were born in a foreign land

Can't the parents the teach children the same lesson the grandmother would teach them? What kind of lesson are we talking about: Language, culture, or discipline?  "Strong pride in Nigeria" sounds like a vague concept and is hopefully something that can be taught at home in the U.S., albeit it may prove difficult, because of the extremely infectious nature of American culture.  If it is language, then strictly speaking at home your native language will be an efficient way of teaching the kids the language.
But I can understand the concern of the poster, sha!

The kids are too young at 5 years to make any meaning out of "Nigerian national pride or respect". I quite agree kids born abroad need a little bit of orientation and "home" experience but that should be when they are matured enough to understand life. Moreover, as a parent yourself, you can still teach them all about Nigeria right there in USA.

I think home orientation is important because I have met a few "African" guys in UK here who think Africa is one large impoverished "country" peopled by kwashiokor ridden humans pepetually needing £1 donation from abroad to survive. That is the image the media projects here. A lot of the British born Africans therefore feel ashamed to associate themselves with Africa. I have a colleage at the work place born of Ghanian parents who went to Africa for the first time during the world cup. He came back to tell me he could not believe his eyes. He told me South Africa was just like here (London). I noticed his attitude changed towards me since then. He became more friendly. I told him it was all media hype. Granted things are tough in Africa but a lot of it is overblown by charity organisations who survive by showing picture of missery and poverty.

To all N/Landers that responded, goodmorning and thank you for all your input and ideas. I printed out all the responses i could on this topic and showed my friend so she will see that there are people out there that support her in not sending those babies back home just yet!

As of 10pm last night, her husband was still set in his decision and had started becoming erratic. A few of our mutual igbo friends whom we consider elders came and tried to discourage him but this man just wouldn't listen so everybody had to call it a night. This morning my friend calls me and said all night long she was pleading with him and even threatned to harm herself if he carries out this act. He didn't care.
This is what i want to suggest to her and I need y'all to tell me if it is a good idea. She should file for divorce. in this country when there's a divorce and kids are involved, neither spouse can take a child away without the consent of the other spouse. She might be given primary custody if she can prove that he is unfit and i think by adamantly wanting to subject these babies to untold hardship at an early age, he can be called unfit!

I also totally agree with that theory that he is just trying to run away from childcare fees, baby sitting fees etc.

The husband and his family have a hidden agenda. She should stand her ground and be careful.

Rubbish let her work part time if hes worried about baby sitting fees.

Me and my two younger brothers were born and raised in the UK with one parent! We are proud to be British but we are proud to be Nigerian we know our language and our culture. At the end of the day we cannot change our skin colour or our features and why would we.

This man is a useless parent if your wife does not agree to send your children away then why insist on doing it?
There are many reasons why parents send kids back home.

Many parents who do this want to work evey hour given and not pay childcare costs
Many cant control their kids any longer
Many think the education system is better in Nigeria
Many want them to learn the language etc
Many gain new partners and pack the kids from a previous relationship out to another country


As far as I am concerned you need to think before you have kids no point packing them off to another country when they become too much for you. Even Education wise I dont agree in dumping kids in a borading school and saying yes I will pick you up in 5 years time.

And if this grandmother is already knocking on deaths door whats the guarentee shes going to be well enough to look after these babies?
This is rubbish of the highest order and this wife is crazy to even bother trying to reaon with the bully she married action speaks louder than words

Ije004:

The husband and his family have a hidden agenda. She should stand her ground and be careful.

I totally agree with you. I will not be surprised if she never sees those children again for life. There is something fishy going on.

She should never, never let those children out of her sight.
God save women from 'husbands'.

@LadyT,

Though I agree with most of what you have said. The matter is very delicate and most be treated as such. You and I dont have the full facts so it will be extremely difficult to make a well balanced judgement. however, I suggest that they sit down and think the issue through. The wife has to open up on how this would break her if the kids left, possibly suggest that she would be prepared to leave everything and move back if the kids did.

Get in a trusted friend or relation to speak to the father. I know it is easy for all of us to sit on the fence and make judgements, but we are not privy to all information

pslm23:


As of 10pm last night, her husband was still set in his decision and had started becoming erratic. A few of our mutual igbo friends whom we consider elders came and tried to discourage him but this man just wouldn't listen so everybody had to call it a night. This morning my friend calls me and said all night long she was pleading with him and even threatened to harm herself if he carries out this act. He didn't care.

pslm23 you are doing very well by looking out for your friend. In my experience people don't start acting erratically unless
a. their losing it
b. they have reasons that are not yet known (like Ije004 said "hidden agenda"

if she and her hubby usually see eye to eye on issues and all of a sudden he catches her off guard with this then its possible he has a hidden agenda. Try to find out if the man has always had this idea or if it suddenly cropped up.

Personally I think the children are too young to be away from parents for so long, not mentioning the kind of shock they'll get from change of environment and without parental guidance.