Cecilia Ibru
By Rudolf Okonkwo
Announcer:, And now, here is
your Tonight ’s Show host, Dr.
Njakiri Damages.
(Applause)
Dr. Damages: Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you. It is a yaga-
yaga day for Nigeria. But it is a
great day for Pastor William
Kumuyi, the General
Superintendent of the Deeper
Life Bible Church. The other day,
the humble man of God took a
new wife. The quiet event
happened in London. Top
members of the church, known
for its zero-tolerance for
makeup, were flown to London
to bear witness. The Daily Sun
asked a selected group of
women of the church what
they thought about the
marriage. Twenty percent felt it
was too early for their father-
in-the-lord to remarry after
losing his beloved wife some 18
months ago. Forty percent felt
it was the right time,
considering his fast graying
beard. The remaining twenty
percent express regret that all
their flirting, fasting and flipping
did not make them attractive
to the pastor. (Laughter)
The story reminds me of a
Lagosian who was always
fighting with his wife. One day,
the wife died. The man wept
uncontrollable. His neighbors
were baffled by his reaction.
The neighbors had thought her
death must be a relief of some
sort for him. They tried to
console the man but he kept
hitting himself on the ground,
rolling and twisting like an
earthworm cut in half. The
man ’s best friend went to him
and said, “Look, my man, when
the funeral is over, we will go to
the village and get you a better
wife. ” In between sobs, the
man asked, “But what about
tonight?”
(Applause)
On the political front, you must
have heard that the publisher,
Dele Momodu, is running for
president. Mr. Momodu was
confident about his chances
until he saw that his toilet was
not featured in the Ovation
magazine ’s special edition on
the toilets of presidential
candidates. Even Ovation
magazine was saying to him,
“Lookia my friend, if na joke,
stop am.”
Those clamoring for a president
of Igbo extraction were
silenced recently when the
Lagos-Ibadan press provided
conclusive evidence that
Olusegun Obasanjo is the son of
a former Abeokuta-based Igbo
police officer who later became
the Obi of Onitsha. When they
recovered from their shock,
they exclaimed in unison,
“ Onitsha rie nsi.” (Onitsha chop
shit.)
As expected, Obasanjo denied
the rumor immediately. He said
in a press release that he is a
true “shun of Egba shoil.” In
private though, he is telling
friends that if that becomes
true, he fears that he might
have slept with his sister,
daughter, niece and possibly his
son ’s wife.
(Applause)
Our guest tonight came into
prominence during Obasanjo’s
presidency. But she has nothing
kinky or canal to do with
Obasanjo. Some have called her
the Martha Stewart of Nigeria-
mainly for her knowledge of
‘ inside jobs.’ Others have called
her the very epitome of the
saying that what a man can do,
a woman can do it even better.
Her story is so fascinating that
we have to go all the way to
Reddington Hospital, Victoria
Island, where she is attending a
six months course on the
elements of a deeper life to
bring you this interview.
(Laughter)
From Delta State, Nigeria, by
way of the Ibru fish boat,
please give a warm welcome to
Lady Cecilia Ibru.
(Applause)
(Cecilia Ibru walks into the
stage, shakes Dr. Damages’
hand and takes her seat.)
Dr Damages: How are you
today?
Cecilia Ibru: I full ground
remain.
Dr Damages: Welcome to the
show.
Cecilia Ibru: You yab well well.
Dr Damages: Why do you say
that?
Cecilia Ibru: Shoo! You no get
shame o! If I’m not mistaken,
I’m the first woman to appear
on your show. Yama yama!
And you had to wait until I’m in
this stinky place to come for an
interview. When I was granting
interviews to world ’s top
journalists inside my corporate
jets and in presidential suites of
five star hotels, I no see your
brake light. Anyway, sha, I go
manage.
Dr Damages: I never thought
of it. You ’re right. You’re the
first woman on the show.
Congratulations!
Cecilia Ibru: See you! And you
call yourself a progressive.
Dr Damages: It wasn’t
intentional. The show simply
goes for newsmakers. At the
peak of her power, we
sought an interview with
Turai Yar ’Adua but she did
not grant us one. We still
want to talk to her but I
understand that during the
day, she is busy selling gold
in Lebanon. And at night, she
is learning Arabic in Yemen.
Cecilia Ibru: Whatever! Just
don’t insult me. You hear me
so?
Dr. Damages: Ok. (looks
round) This is a very nice
place you have here.
Cecilia Ibru: It’s a private ward.
For someone like me who is
used to suites at Four Seasons,
it is depressing. But I will
manage it instead of sharing
Ikoyi prison rooms with
criminals.
Dr Damages: I must say that
you look different without
your makeup.
Cecilia Ibru: Are you
suggesting that I am my twin
sister? Do you think she is
serving time for me?
Dr. Damages: Not at all.
Cecilia Ibru: I did not bring my
jewelries here. That’s why. They
are too precious to risk in a
place like this.
Dr Damages: So what is
really wrong with your
health?
Cecilia Ibru:
Stayoutofprisonitis.
Dr. Damages: What’s that?
Cecilia Ibru: It’s a kind of
chronic cardiac ailment.
Dr Damages: Many convicts
will like the plea deal you
got from Justice Dan Abutu.
Cecilia Ibru: I’m not a convict.
I’m a deaconess. I was the first
lady of Nigerian banks. And as
a matter of fact, you must not
forget that I hold the title, OFR-
Order of the Federal Republic.
Dr. Damages: There will be
prison riots all over Nigeria if
other convicts find out how
you live here.
Cecilia Ibru: If you tell them
anything, I’ll move to another
hospital.
Dr Damages: You don’t have
to worry about that. Your
secrets are safe with my
camera. You know, there are
a lot I do not know about
you.
Cecilia Ibru: A lot? Like what?
Dr. Damages: For instance, I
did not know you were a
billionaire.
Cecilia Ibru: (Laughs) Wahala! I
get am before no be property.
Dr. Damages: So what really
happened?
Cecilia Ibru: I was made a
scapegoat. And I believe it is
because my husband is gravely
ill. If Michael Ibru na the same
man I married, who born EFCC?
Nobody is hounding Okey
Nwosu, Bartholomew Ebong,
Sebastin Adigwe, Francis
Atuche, Ike Oraekwotu and
others. It ’s only Urhobo woman,
Cecilia Ibru, that they are after.
Dr. Damages: Before your
guilty plea, I had thought
you were just an innocent
deer caught in some high
beam lights of a fast moving
car.
Cecilia Ibru: I will not be
bragging if I tell you that I
kicked the butts of the old boys
of banking and finance. I kicked
them really good. That was
why they came after me.
Those bloody skunks!
Dr Damages: So was it worth it?
Cecilia Ibru: I shined when I did.
Not many people can say that
in their life time.
Dr. Damages: Yes. You were
once called a genius. What did
you actually do?
Cecilia Ibru: I learned all the
contemporary buzzwords. I
used them at the right time.
And I transformed a small bank
into a mega bank. Such magic
do not happen everyday in
any industry.
Dr. Damages: So you created
value from nothing? What
percentage is magic, what
percentage is odu and what
percentage is ojoro?
Cecilia Ibru: Sharrup!
Dr. Damages. Excuse me?
Cecilia Ibru: I created financial
instruments, if you know what I
mean.
Dr Damages: And you used it to
screw your customers?
Cecilia Ibru: Don’t insult me.
Consider this your second
warning. Remember this is not
your studio. This is my stage.
Dr. Damages: Sorry ma.
Cecilia Ibru: I figured that what
is good for me is good for the
country. My goal was to take
Nigeria ’s capital market from a
local champion to the pinnacle
of the world. Unfortunately, my
good intentions were
misunderstood.
Dr Damages: Looking at your
list of forfeited properties, one
question nobody seems to
have an answer for is how
much wealth is too much?
Cecilia Ibru: You won’t
understand this until you’re
wealthy. Wealth first defines
the self. Then it becomes the
self. Then the entanglement
between wealth and the self
becomes a problem. That is
when wealth becomes the soul
of the ego. At that point, you
have to keep living it up,
jumping from one pastime to
another, crawling from one
craving to another, pursuing
power and perusing
playgrounds of the rich. It is
intoxicating.
Dr Damages: So in layman’s
language, your greed got the
better part of you?
Cecilia Ibru: Mister man, there is
no vaccination against greed. It
is a plague.
Dr. Damages: Where does that
leave the hardworking bank
customers who trusted bankers
like you with their earnings?
Cecilia Ibru: Money is so
important in our lives that only
a stupid fellow leaves it in the
hands of the bankers.
Dr. Damages: Do you consider
yourself blessed?
Cecilia Ibru: “The lord is my
Shepherd. I shall not want.”
Dr. Damages: Are you insecure?
Cecilia Ibru: Don’t be silly! What
do you mean by that?
Dr Damages: It has been said
that those who flaunt their
wealth are insecure?
Cecilia Ibru: You’re a stupid
man. What does a poor church
rat like you know about the
lives of the rich?
Dr Damages: You were once a
secretary to Mr. Ibru.
Cecilia Ibru: So?
Dr. Damages: And you later
married him.
Cecilia Ibru: Yes. What are you
getting at? That I had no skills?
That I used bottom power? Say
it. Be a man. Say it for that is all
that you men think when you
see a successful woman. Yeah.
She must have used long leg.
She must have slept her way to
the top. If they do not stick,
you say she must be a witch.
Dr. Damages: No. Not at all.
That ’s not what I am getting at.
Cecilia Ibru: (interrupts) So you
know, it takes a lot of skills to
go from being the secretary to
the MD to become the wife of
the MD. It takes even more
skills that you men do not have
to become the MD of your
husband ’s cooperation.
Dr. Damages: I bet.
Cecilia Ibru: Don’t patronize me.
Dr. Damages: Of course not.
Cecilia Ibru: All my life, I have
known that those who control
the money of any nation
control the nation. So I worked
hard to be one of them.
Dr. Damages: And does it
matter how they get that
control?
Cecilia Ibru: The end justifies the
means. Ukpe dete, ke ru'emu
r'ukpe. (When the time of the
year arrives, you do what is
due.)
Dr. Damages: Even if you
become a crook in the process?
Cecilia Ibru: I am not a crook. I
am a deaconess. A member of
the Order of the Federal
Republic.
Dr Damages: I did not say that
you were a crook. A judge …
Cecilia Ibru: (interrupts) In any
case, the history of
philanthropy is about crooks
who gave back. Think Andrew
Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller, J.
P. Morgan, Milton S. Hershey,
Harvey Firestone and Cornelius
Vanderbilt. I was about to start
giving back when …
Dr Damages: (interrupts) I find
your logic absurd.
Cecilia Ibru: Please don’t
interrupt me again or I will
throw you out of here. What
does a suffer head like you
know? The only way to have
more money is to make others
to have less.
Dr. Damages: You have the
scarcity mindset.
Cecilia Ibru: Listen well well.
Stop talking jargon. I created
many jargons in my career. The
jargon changes but the smell is
still the same.
Dr. Damages: Looking at you,
can you fault anyone who says
that the best way to rob a bank
is to work for one.
Cecilia Ibru: Yeye man. I did not
rob my bank. I utilized the
same opportunities that we
offer our customers.
Dr. Damages: How are your
siblings taking your fall?
Cecilia Ibru: They are too many.
After I helped many of my
Urhobo people get prime places
in banking, they abandoned
me. Dey don chop wipe mouth.
Dr. Damages: Have your friends
been reaching out to you since
you got here?
Cecilia Ibru: My friends are
smarter than that. They are the
people Kenny Rogers sang
about. They know when to fold
up. They know when to run.
They never count their money
while sitting at the table. They
know there will be time enough
to count them, when the deal is
done.
Dr. Damages: Does money feel
better when you steal it?
Cecilia Ibru: Sontin dey do you.
But let me make it clear again-
I did not steal any money.
Shomo? Got it?
Dr. Damages: Yes. But what
were you? A bank baron?
Cecilia Ibru: I was an award
winning banker.
Dr. Damages: Do you see any
irony that you owned those
scores of houses but will now
spend six months pretending to
be sick in a hospital just to
avoid a six by six dirty prison
room?
Cecilia Ibru: Our lord Jesus Christ
owned the whole world but had
to be born in a manger.
Dr Damages: What will be your
legacy?
Cecilia Ibru: That I shattered the
glass ceiling for women in
banking. Before me, young girls
only wear skimpy skirts in
search of big accounts. Now
those girls are free to own
several big accounts worth
millions of dollars themselves.
Dr. Damages: What do you
want to be your epitaph?
Cecilia Ibru: In spite of what
you ’ve heard, I’m not going
anywhere, anytime soon.
Dr Damages: Were you
fabulously rich or excessively
rich?
Cecilia Ibru: I was beyond rich. I
was wealthy. Not that I expect
a wretched fellow like you to
know the difference.
Dr Damages: Other than
happiness, was there anything
left for you to buy?
Cecilia Ibru: Leisure.
Dr. Damages: You now have it,
I suppose?
Cecilia Ibru: God punish you. Na
so you dey enjoy your leisure
time? I ’m surrounded by sick
people in a house that begins
with an emergency room and
ends with a mortuary. Is that
your idea of leisure? Do you
like the stinking smell of drugs
and disinfectants in here? If you
do, I don’t.
Dr. Damages: What will be the
first thing you will do when you
get out of here?
Cecilia Ibru: Build a church inside
the premises of the Guardian
newspaper. I will then change
the Guardian motto to
‘ conscience nurtured by hymns.’
Dr. Damages: What have you
learned since you got here?
Cecilia Ibru: That it is still a
man ’s world out there. For the
vagina, it is still a monologue.
Dr. Damages: Clint W. Murchison
said that, “Money is like
manure. If you spread it
around, it does a lot of good,
but if you pile it up in one place,
it stinks like hell. ” Did you
regret not…
Cecilia Ibru: (interrupts) Bullshit!
Dr Damages: No?
Cecilia Ibru: There is a way you
will pile manure and it will
generate energy. That was
what I failed to do. I allowed air
to get into my pile.
(A nurse walks in and hands
Cecilia Ibru a pill.)
Nurse: Your 4pm pill, ma.
Cecilia Ibru: What is it?
Nurse: The same pill you’ve
been getting since you came
here.
Cecilia Ibru: You half educated
slowpoke. I asked you a simple
question- what-is-it?
Nurse: Placebo pill
Cecilia Ibru: What’s that?
Nurse: Inert pill.
Cecilia Ibru: If I sound you ah!
Nurse: It’s sham pill.
Cecilia Ibru: (Throws her hands
in the air) Whatever!
(Nurse walks out. Cecilia Ibru
puts the pill in her mouth and
swallows with a glass of white
wine.)
Dr. Damages: So what will
change in your life when you
come out?
Cecilia Ibru: I will leave the
fisherman and follow the fisher
of men, ojare!.
Dr. Damages: Thank you for
talking to us.
Cecilia Ibru: Thank you.
Dr. Damages: There you have
it, the indomitable Lady Cecilia
Ibru. Until next time, goodnight
and God bless.

hmmmm!

Lol dat was nice!