A772:
Please Nigerians I really need your advice.

My father has never been responsible to us(my mother & her 4 children, I'm the third (all girls). Though he was never educated (but very exposed) giving excuses of how witches in his village never gave him the opportunity to get educated, my mother has been the bread winner of the family, though not educated but very hardworking unlike my father. ( my mother saw us through school).

Years later, my father came up with an accusation of my mother being initiated into witchcraft and that she is responsible for his inability to take care of his family( meanwhile my father has never been educated nor has a skill). This led to their divorce. (We really suffered due to this but I have to make this writing as short as possible). I was 10 when this happened ( in 2001)
My father had so many rich women as girlfriends, due to his exposure until he finally got married to one.

My father later got married to a woman, who later took him to USA for about 9years ( they later divorced due to the fact that my father was a tough and stubborn man, and this woman too has d same attitude, so they never lasted due to this ( my mum is very gentle and that was why my dad took a tough one on her). My father could not get a job over there because he had no qualification/skill, so he had to return back to Nigeria. At this time he was already 62( years)
(Don't forget since my childhood, my father was never responsible for our upbringing till now)

Ever since he returned, he was always telling people &us that our mother due to her witchcraft is responsible for his misfortune and that we her children must pay dearly.

This year around April I was preparing for introduction with my fiancee, my fiance,Pastors in my mums church,and other elders in my fathers family(despite the fact they were never there for us) around were giving advice that I must inform my father irrespective of his misdeed about my plans on marriage, making me see some importance of father's blessing towards marriage. ( I was feeling reluctant, wondering wat blessing could come out from a father that curses his children even on their birthdays)
As soon as I took my fiancee to him, he said he will allow my fiancee marry me without stress and that he doesn't need to go through any introduction or wedding with me because he hates my mother, but he is willing to support only court wedding. ( I wept bitterly on hearing this, (he doesn't want an introduction/ wedding except court wedding)

Pastors of RCCG( My mothers church since) met with my dad several times to beg him but he gave an order that no body must represent him in his entire family and I mustn't have a wedding until my mother releases him to go back to USA to make it in life, I became frustrated, so I had to break up the relationship since my guy was also bent on fatherly blessing and that without it he can't get married to me. No one is willing to represent him in my fathers family.

How will I get married without introduction/ traditional marriage?
When will my father make it in life ( without education/skill/ business)?
I am approaching 30years, my 2 elder sisters are between ages of 32-35 unmarried ( how/when do I get married)?
Yoruba People are really laying emphases on fatherly blessing ( how do I get it from such father)?
My mum can't take decision because she is too gentle and fear what people may say of her since she is a minister in the church.

Nigerians please we need help.

A772:
Please Nigerians I really need your advice.

My father has never been responsible to us(my mother & her 4 children, I'm the third (all girls). Though he was never educated (but very exposed) giving excuses of how witches in his village never gave him the opportunity to get educated, my mother has been the bread winner of the family, though not educated but very hardworking unlike my father. ( my mother saw us through school).

Years later, my father came up with an accusation of my mother being initiated into witchcraft and that she is responsible for his inability to take care of his family( meanwhile my father has never been educated nor has a skill). This led to their divorce. (We really suffered due to this but I have to make this writing as short as possible). I was 10 when this happened ( in 2001)
My father had so many rich women as girlfriends, due to his exposure until he finally got married to one.

My father later got married to a woman, who later took him to USA for about 9years ( they later divorced due to the fact that my father was a tough and stubborn man, and this woman too has d same attitude, so they never lasted due to this ( my mum is very gentle and that was why my dad took a tough one on her). My father could not get a job over there because he had no qualification/skill, so he had to return back to Nigeria. At this time he was already 62( years)
(Don't forget since my childhood, my father was never responsible for our upbringing till now)

Ever since he returned, he was always telling people &us that our mother due to her witchcraft is responsible for his misfortune and that we her children must pay dearly.

This year around April I was preparing for introduction with my fiancee, my fiance,Pastors in my mums church,and other elders in my fathers family(despite the fact they were never there for us) around were giving advice that I must inform my father irrespective of his misdeed about my plans on marriage, making me see some importance of father's blessing towards marriage. ( I was feeling reluctant, wondering wat blessing could come out from a father that curses his children even on their birthdays)
As soon as I took my fiancee to him, he said he will allow my fiancee marry me without stress and that he doesn't need to go through any introduction or wedding with me because he hates my mother, but he is willing to support only court wedding. ( I wept bitterly on hearing this, (he doesn't want an introduction/ wedding except court wedding)

Pastors of RCCG( My mothers church since) met with my dad several times to beg him but he gave an order that no body must represent him in his entire family and I mustn't have a wedding until my mother releases him to go back to USA to make it in life, I became frustrated, so I had to break up the relationship since my guy was also bent on fatherly blessing and that without it he can't get married to me. No one is willing to represent him in my fathers family.

How will I get married without introduction/ traditional marriage?
When will my father make it in life ( without education/skill/ business)?
I am approaching 30years, my 2 elder sisters are between ages of 32-35 unmarried ( how/when do I get married)?
Yoruba People are really laying emphases on fatherly blessing ( how do I get it from such father)?
My mum can't take decision because she is too gentle and fear what people may say of her since she is a minister in the church.

Nigerians please we need help.

bukatyne:


First, count yourself lucky the first guy is gone.

Next, your father is ready to go to the court with you, fine.

When next you have someone, ask your dad for traditional requirements for marriage. If he does not bulge, go to the elders in your father's family.

Whatever they ask you to bring, fix a date, dress up, take your mother&siblings, husband & family and deliver it. If you are intent on a parte, have your reception somewhere close by.

As to the white, talk to your mum's church. They can do a church service at the reception venue (earlier that day) and you do your reception in a grand style or you enter house after the service.

Alternatively, you can take your pastors to the court and after court wedding, do a small service and invite people.

You can also tell the males in your mother's family to represent your dad.

There are many ways to bell a cat.

These are all the cultures and traditions Nigerian men bank on to misbehave knowing that somehow especially for the girl child, they will be required later.

GrabHisBalls:
The guy you broke up with tends to be more traditional. I don't think it's his fault if he places more emphasis on not offending in-lams. You just don't need a man with such ideologies finding yourself in this situation.

The question is, since your dad only wants to be present for court marriage, who then will take your bride price? I think that should be the most important thing.

Considering that he's 62 and uneducated, what does he still want to go and do in America that he couldn't do when he was younger?

A772:


He has really been a very stubborn man from his childhood, even as the last born of his family, his elder ones respect his view and always let him have his way. He never give a damn at his elders opinion but they must always pay attention to his. Infact he is indirectly the Olori Ebi(head) of his family. They always gave him the chance in other to avoid his troubles.

My father placed a curse on anyone who will ever try to replace him(in his family ) on my wedding day. So everyone has left us with our problem to avoid his troubles as usual.

Well wishers suggested we should rally round to get much money to give to my father just for him to be seated on that day, but my father refused, its not in his destiny to reap from his children, but in his destiny for us to reap from him, and that since there is nothing we can reap from him, we should zero our mind in getting married though a ceremony except court wedding(which he will only be present to append signature).Pastors too are of the opinion that we can't do church wedding until we appease our father, because fatherly blessing is so emphasized in the bible.

And that it is part of the Yoruba tradition that ones father consent must be sort for especially in marriage. And that the father is the owner of a child weather responsible or not. Whatever decision he says should be final if we don't want to incur God's wrath. And that Mothers have no say in giving their children out.

Going to court isn't the issue, but the fact that he doesn't want introduction/or any ceremonies until his own life improves (he is presently 65 years). And yet none of his relative should attend my wedding( if I decide to do it behind him) if I don't follow his orders

A772:


He said he doesn't want any bride price, and that when we look for how his life will be better, he will even buy two houses for our husbands and will be pleased to call us for an introduction and wedding proper.

Even my mums pastors tried sharing some wedding bills among themselves just for him to have no financial excuse but he said they are embarrassing him and that he wants to make it in life to be able to take care of all our wedding all alone, even without our husbands contributing a dime. Thus we should only go for court , when he has money of his own, he will be pleased to meet his in-laws.

ZIMDRILL:



sister your story is very simple to solve

let me break it down

1 the break up of your father and mum filled you with the anger torwards your father and whatever good he does it doesnt wipe off what you went through with your mother

2 your father is indirectly protecting you but you dont see it, because of the anger and also you dont how powerful a court wedding aka registry wedding versus a traditional wedding, in simple terms if you have a court wedding and divorce one day you are protected by law to share what you both aquired during the period of marriage and not even divorce but death

3 A traditional marriage, leaves you vulnerable to due to most african tradition were the family of the late husband would grab everything you built with your late husband

4 Am not saying traditional should be done, but both you, your ex and you didnt understand the role these type of marriages play in our lifes, let me explain for most african tradition no white/registry wedding happens before the traditional wedding, what do we mean by traditional wedding we mean the whole process of introduction to the actual paying of dowry and the celebration party, all those process bring the two families together and witness and acknowledge that your marriage, then from that point you can go ahead to do a white wedding because the traditions have been done,

Usually those who do a white before a traditions wedding means there is something not right

5 Your ex he believed more into a traditional wedding nothing wrong with that, its his beliefs or how he was taught to say if there is no traditional marriage then its not marriage, but one main thing from your father, he ok for you to marry he only values the registry marriage because its protects you

Pavore9:


Let's be blunt and truthful, the father is no way indirectly protecting her! I hope you didn't skip where she wrote that her 2 elder sisters who are between the ages of 32-35 are unmarried and probably because of the mess of their father's life. I recall posting somewhere about a secondary school classmate of mine whose father abandoned her and her sister with their mother. She said it from the onset that her father will not even get a kolanut on top of her head and she kept to it, now married to a Dutch and with kids. It is her father and his family that have been requesting she comes home to formalize her marriage traditionally and she told them she is not interested as they have no blessings to give as people who rejected them as children

ZIMDRILL:


you are mixing things like her

me from the reading i have understand were anger is coming from and the blame of not having a better life, but lets be serious you cant get up 32-35 year and still blame your parents

if you have noticed where your parents went wrong, what have you done yourself to improve your own situation ? dont get me wrong from her own story what the father did was wrong in not supporting and looking after his children but what has the girls done to improve their own lives ?

the father never denied her to be married, the father only put an approval to a registry wedding than a traditional one

whereas her ex, a traditional wedding is more important than what the father is suggesting

Pavore9:


You know many in Nigeria believe that traditional wedding is the sign of acceptance of both families. Most families feel that when bride price has not been paid nor received, the couple are just merely cohabiting. For the father, the family has enabled him too far with his delusion of grandeur which is explained as thus: A delusion of grandeur is the false belief in one's own superiority, greatness, or intelligence. People experiencing delusions of grandeur do not just have high self-esteem; instead, they believe in their own greatness and importance even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

He can't be holding his daughters to ransom with his wickedness and selfishness, that he will not traditionally marry them out until he becomes rich, I hope you did not skip where she wrote "He said he doesn't want any bride price, and that when we look for how his life will be better, he will even buy two houses for our husbands and will be pleased to call us for an introduction and wedding proper"...what a failure of a father!

The best in the present situation is for the OP and her sisters to get involved with men who alongside the men's families will be comfortable with just a court and church wedding without the traditional and cut off from their father for he has nothing positive to contribute to their lives as he has proven to be toxic.

Pavore9:


You know many in Nigeria believe that traditional wedding is the sign of acceptance of both families. Most families feel that when bride price has not been paid nor received, the couple are just merely cohabiting. For the father, the family has enabled him too far with his delusion of grandeur which is explained as thus: A delusion of grandeur is the false belief in one's own superiority, greatness, or intelligence. People experiencing delusions of grandeur do not just have high self-esteem; instead, they believe in their own greatness and importance even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

He can't be holding his daughters to ransom with his wickedness and selfishness, that he will not traditionally marry them out until he becomes rich, I hope you did not skip where she wrote "He said he doesn't want any bride price, and that when we look for how his life will be better, he will even buy two houses for our husbands and will be pleased to call us for an introduction and wedding proper"...what a failure of a father!

The best in the present situation is for the OP and her sisters to get involved with men who alongside the men's families will be comfortable with just a court and church wedding without the traditional and cut off from their father for he has nothing positive to contribute to their lives as he has proven to be toxic.

ZIMDRILL:


i get your point

but is that when you marry in most african traditions you follow what the father -in -law be say or what their says

so in this case the father in law has said a court wedding suits him well its unfortunately culture and tradition ties us down sometimes when one request our of the norm like in this case

in my own country of zimbabwe i have heard stories and last week my own cousin was forced to follow what the in laws want aka he went through the traditional marriage process, but they wouldnt let him take his wife. why? there request was we release our daughter to you via a white wedding

And my cousin had no choice but to find a near date to wed so he have his wife

like someone said her ex and his family are more of a traditional belief and her own father is more of liberal person

Pavore9:


In my tribe in Nigeria, the non payment nor reception of bride price puts the couple in a tough position as children from such relationship are not regarded to belong to the man but the woman's family and that's why should the man die, the man's family would still come to the woman's family to do the necessary traditional rites before they can claim the children for their late brother.

The man is not liberal but dealing with the shame that he has not achieved anything with his life, does it look like he has a home where he can invite the prospective in-laws to come to? That's why he said that the introduction and wedding proper is hinged on his daughters making sure he becomes financially comfortable so that he can have something to show off to the in-laws.

ZIMDRILL:



sister your story is very simple to solve

let me break it down

1 the break up of your father and mum filled you with the anger torwards your father and whatever good he does it doesnt wipe off what you went through with your mother

2 your father is indirectly protecting you but you dont see it, because of the anger and also you dont how powerful a court wedding aka registry wedding versus a traditional wedding, in simple terms if you have a court wedding and divorce one day you are protected by law to share what you both aquired during the period of marriage and not even divorce but death

3 A traditional marriage, leaves you vulnerable to due to most african tradition were the family of the late husband would grab everything you built with your late husband

4 Am not saying traditional shouldnt be done, but both you, your ex and you didnt understand the role these type of marriages play in our lifes, let me explain for most african tradition no white/registry wedding happens before the traditional wedding, what do we mean by traditional wedding we mean the whole process of introduction to the actual paying of dowry and the celebration party, all those process bring the two families together and witness and acknowledge that your marriage, then from that point you can go ahead to do a white wedding because the traditions have been done,

Usually those who do a white before a traditions wedding means there is something not right

5 Your ex he believed more into a traditional wedding nothing wrong with that, its his beliefs or how he was taught to say if there is no traditional marriage then its not marriage, but one main thing from your father, he ok for you to marry he only values the registry marriage because its protects you

Pavore9:


You know many in Nigeria believe that traditional wedding is the sign of acceptance of both families. Most families feel that when bride price has not been paid nor received, the couple are just merely cohabiting. For the father, the family has enabled him too far with his delusion of grandeur which is explained as thus: A delusion of grandeur is the false belief in one's own superiority, greatness, or intelligence. People experiencing delusions of grandeur do not just have high self-esteem; instead, they believe in their own greatness and importance even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

You understand my ordeal dear

He can't be holding his daughters to ransom with his wickedness and selfishness, that he will not traditionally marry them out until he becomes rich, I hope you did not skip where she wrote "He said he doesn't want any bride price, and that when we look for how his life will be better, he will even buy two houses for our husbands and will be pleased to call us for an introduction and wedding proper"...what a failure of a father!

The best in the present situation is for the OP and her sisters to get involved with men who alongside the men's families will be comfortable with just a court and church wedding without the traditional and cut off from their father for he has nothing positive to contribute to their lives as he has proven to be toxic.