I have been visiting this forum anonymously, I just created an account to get this off my chest.
I am not necessarily looking for advice, I just want to get the story out and maybe get some other perspectives. This is a long one and I will be talking about some the issues I’ve had with my mother in law.

I and my husband live in the US, we’ve been married for four years. We both work the same hours and make almost the same amount of money. We both contribute 50:50 to our expenses and savings. I do most of the house chores: cooking, laundry and general cleaning. I don’t mind doing it since it’s just the two of us and we clean up after ourselves, and he steps in whenever it is overwhelming (often without me asking). We are very alike, we have the same values and we never fought. We have disagreements but they were always settled without shouting.

About a year ago I had to take a very important professional exam. We discussed about my study plan and agreed that I should dedicate two weeks before the exam and focus on my studies. The plan was to work half days and then use the rest of the day to study in the library. We met as students, so we are both used to studying at a particular library till very late. Everything was going great until his mother said she wanted to visit from Nigeria. The time of her visit included my study and exam dates. I told my husband that I will be unable to host his mother properly while she is here and that it would be better if she comes after that exam. My husband thought about it and said he wants her to come, that he will take care of her when she is around. He said since we married, she usually spends time with me, and he has not had alone time with his mum so he will take this opportunity to do so. I agreed.

When she arrived, I discussed with her how I am studying for my exam and will not be home often. That she should enjoy her son. While I was studying, I would leave very early and comeback after everyone had slept. I was surviving on 4 hours of sleep. I eventually wrote the exam and passed (Woohoo!) and things came back to normal. She left a day after my exam and before she left, she called me and my husband to pray for us. That was when she started telling me how I am a bad wife, I am not taking care of her precious son, my work is not more important that feeding my husband, this is the reason why we don’t have kids and so on. I was shocked. My mother in law has visited us 3 times before in the past and has seen me cooking and cleaning. During those other visits, I was the one that did everything for her. She also called her two brothers and sister that live in US to tell them she was on her way and also reported me to them. I respect those people so much and have never had an issue with them. I hated that my reputation was being tarnished. They talked to me over the phone and asked me to be a good wife. I did not say anything and neither did my husband. I fully expected my husband to stand up for me, but he did not. When his mother left, we had the first and biggest fight we have ever had in all the years we’ve been together. We dated for 3 years before marriage. It was explosive but we eventually settled and even got counseling from church. We apologized to each other and moved on. But my relationship with my mother in law never recovered. I just couldn’t go back to being close to her like I was before. It dawned on me that she did not have my interest at heart. She is a career-oriented woman and retired as a director in the civil service, so I expected her to be understanding. We still talk on the phone but not as often as it was.

The present issue is that I am pregnant. After talking to our doctors and my sister in law, me and my husband have decided that we don’t want any live-in visitors the first month after the baby is here. We want to spend that month just as a family and bond with our baby. Then we can have his parents and my parents come stay at different times. His parents were going to come first and stay for 4-5 months, my parents would come later and stay for another 4-5 months. I have applied for my maternity leave and he also took time off work so that we are both home when baby gets here. All our family members are on board with this plan… except my mother in law.

When we told her, she started crying on the phone, saying she wants to see the birth of her grandchild. She was present in the hospital for the birth of my sister in law’s baby and she had assumed she would be with us in the hospital for our baby’s birth. Even if she is around when I give birth, I am sure I do not want her in my room while I have vag.ina wide open and in a vulnerable state. I have left my issue for my husband to deal with. They have had numerous discussions about it, and it is going nowhere. My mother in law has told other family members about it and just this past weekend, I received two calls from his aunties in Nigeria. I am not sure what she told them, but they told me that I should not try to separate a grandparent from their grandchild. She also called my mother and tried to get her on-board saying that they can both come and witness the birth of their grandchild together. We heard from my sister in law that my mother in law has already started looking at flights and will book one soon.

My husband and I are tired. We are unwilling to compromise as it appears mother in law believes she can override our decisions, we think this is the time to start exercising out authority as parents. Father in law has promised to talk to his wife but I am not sure what will come of it. The whole thing is causing us stress.

We will wait for the married couples to come oh... Local woman cannot can!

I'm a traditional person who believes every reasonable person should understand the norms of his/her society and culture regardless of where he/she lives.

From your story, your husband respects almost all your decisions, he's not a controlling or arrogant type, he understands and know how to treat you well.

But I tell you, the moment you start making decisions that will make it look like you want to separate your husband from his mother will mark the beginning of your problems with your husband's family.

I'll advice you to adjust some decisions with your husband and allow your MIL visit.

Make I give you small expo......

As a wife in a family, don't ever cause a fight between your husband and his family members or PUBLICLY support your husband during any quarrel or argument with his family members. Because at the end of the day, they'll reconcile and forgive him as a son and brother, but will NEVER forgive you, his supporter

Kindly allow her come pay a visit, she's not coming to live forever with you or to snatch your husband away. She'll come, go and you'll have your peace.

Hmmm

You say you don't want advice but I'll still chip in my two cents...


If you really don't want her to come, maintain your stand and do not be swayed by sentiments but be prepared for the relationship between your mother-in-law to deteriorate even further and also prepared to be seen as the resident evil daughter-in-law.

Your MIL has attachment problem as many needy women do. Check, she doesn't have a loving husband so she has transferred her love to her son. You married a "mama's boy", this means you are sharing your husband with your MIL.

If your MIL insists on coming, what can you do? nothing for now. Grit your teeth and manage her presence, you should have noticed that your husband was a "mama's boy" before marriage, it's too late now. Just carry your cross and manage the situation. You can also invite your mother to come at the same time so that she will help you cope with your MIL's presence. Good luck

Amanee:
You say you don't want advice but I'll still chip in my two cents...


If you really don't want her to come, maintain your stand and do not be swayed by sentiments but be prepared for the relationship between your mother-in-law to deteriorate even further and also prepared to be seen as the resident evil daughter-in-law.

Just shut up and stop looking for people to scatter their home.

Kindly focus on your sugar daddy business and stop interfering on marital matters.

donstan18:

Just shut up and stop looking for a woman to scatter her home.

donstan18:

Attention seeker, post your own comment and leave my opinion


Ediots like you live for nairaland likes that's why you're waiting for the post to reach fp before joining the bandwagon to comment.

Olodo oshi, empty skull with no original thought, biko carry your coconut head and shift

Which one is “I want to witness the birth of my grandchild” again?
Is she your husband ni?
Anyway, at this point, I’ll advise you try your very best not to take things to heart. The issue with your MIL isn’t that deep.

She just wants to be involved by all means. It seems to mean so much for her that she’s present when her grandchild comes into the world. Kindly indulge her. Life and marriage is about compromises and sacrifices like that. We do not always get what we want.

And the period when you were studying and could not be available, please forgive her for it. She thought she was standing up for her son. She didn’t understand how serious those exams were, and that your hubby was in agreement with the arrangement. All she saw was a wife that wasn’t making time out for her husband... a wife who was prioritizing career over her homely duties. If I were in your shoes, it was my husband who didn’t defend me I’ll be mad at.

Just let it go... and be happy.

Pls I do not understand, is it a culture that mother inlaw must see his sons wife as she is opening her legs to give birth? Pls is it a culture? What sort of strange culture is that? I thought your business with your mother inlaw is to treat her well when she visits, lucky enough you are about to give her a grandchild. OP, be careful, you are pregnant, and you should be mentally and physically ready and strong to push out baby, except you have forgotten that childbirth is between life and death for a woman, so I cannot understand why an old woman is stressing you, it is strange to me. It is also a pity that your husband cannot protect you. Mind you, my mum has 8 grandchildren, she has never forced her opinion to be in the hospital during childbirth.

I am more interested in this portion ''Wide open vaglna'' Wow.

LilMissFavvy:
Pls I do not understand, is it a culture that mother inlaw must see his sons wife as she is opening her legs to give birth? Pls is it a culture? What sort of strange culture is that? I thought your business with your mother inlaw is to treat her well when she visits, lucky enough you are about to give her a grandchild. OP, be careful, you are pregnant, and you should be mentally and physically ready and strong to push out baby, except you have forgotten that childbirth is between life and death for a woman, so I cannot understand why an old woman is stressing you, it is strange to me. It is also a pity that your husband cannot protect you.

my mom over my wife anytime any day.

Pray you are lucky to marry a woman who does not have people to protect her. Is that what a pregnant woman is supposed to be worrying herself over?

mimimile93:
my mom over my wife anytime any day.

Mizwisdom:
Your MIL has attachment problem as many needy women do. Check, she doesn't have a loving husband so she has transferred her love to her son. You married a "mama's boy", this means you are sharing your husband with your MIL.

If your MIL insists on coming, what can you do? nothing for now. Grit your teeth and manage her presence, you should have noticed that your husband was a "mama's boy" before marriage, it's too late now. Just carry your cross and manage the situation. You can also invite your mother to come at the same time so that she will help you cope with your MIL's presence. Good luck

@bold:

@Jenny44life:

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your husband is good man. His weakness is his inability to stand up to his mom which can be explosive if not properly managed.

My advice:

Forgive your MIL as regards the first issue. Now to this: irrespective of your plans, your husband will not protect you from his mom when the bubble burst. So it really lies on your shoulders to be diplomatic and avoid issues with her.

First, she doesn't know your due date so you can give her two weeks after (or any other timeline you can pull off). So she is not there when you are having the baby. You might have to shelf your plans of special baby bonding and welcome her if she arrives when you just return from the hospital.

For backup, you might want to have a trusted family member with you in the hospital since she is already booking flights. I am very very weary about a MIL insisting she is present at the birth of her grandchild. Maybe it is the Nigerianness in men thinking. Some families have rituals done for new borns with their placenta, first birth water and/or sponge and hair. Be very careful.

Also prepare your mind that she might stay longer than she decided to; she is retired.

During her stay, you need to learn to overlook whatever doesn't have an actual negative impact on you.

I understand it is not going to be easy: your home should be your space however, it is what it is at this point.

Goodluck.

Amanee:
You say you don't want advice but I'll still chip in my two cents...


If you really don't want her to come, maintain your stand and do not be swayed by sentiments but be prepared for the relationship between your mother-in-law to deteriorate even further and also prepared to be seen as the resident evil daughter-in-law.

I was ready to compromise and allow her to come but she won't be in the hospital room. I am unwilling to have her present while I give birth.
My husband is actually the one that is not ready to compromise on the matter. He is very adamant about sticking to our decision now.

mimimile93:
may ur child be a male and if uact funny with ur son's wife, may Allah strike u to death.

It is you and your entire lineage that will stricken with death. Painful deaths at early ages too.

I Want to marry u

LilMissFavvy:
Pray you are lucky to marry a woman who does not have people to protect her. Is that what a pregnant woman is supposed to be worrying herself over?

Not again....

This ur response shows the kind of a woman u are. I pity that innocent man.

Jenny44life:


It is you and your entire lineage that will stricken with death. Painful deaths at early ages too.

I'm sure if you tell hospital staff that you want only your husband in the room when you get into labour, they will send all visitors out including your MIL.
It's not by force to expose your yansh to anybody. They should respect that. Obviously a very controlling woman, but no be by force for everyone to see ya yansh.
They can come visit the baby afterwards in hospital.
Safe delivery and enjoy your pregnancy. Avoid anything that would stress you out including this matter.
You need a calm mind to be focused and deliberate in labour.
This has nothing to do with seperating mother and son, or not letting her have contact with her grandchild. you need to be comfortable and calm without having distractions trying to please anybody.
Even your own mother who wash your yansh as a baby is not allowed in the delivery room, so why is she taking it so personal? Abi e pass this matter ni?

What's about ur vagina that ur fellow woman can't see?

Jenny44life:


I was ready to compromise and allow her to come but she won't be in the hospital room. I am unwilling to have her present while I give birth.
My husband is actually the one that is not ready to compromise on the matter. He is very adamant about sticking to our decision now.

As if d yansh was anytin beta

eyinjuege:
I'm sure if you tell hospital staff that you want only your husband in the room when you get into labour, they will send all visitors out including your MIL.
It's not by force to expose your yansh to anybody. They should respect that. Obviously a very controlling woman, but no be by force for everyone to see ya yansh.
They can come visit the baby afterwards in hospital.
Safe delivery and enjoy your pregnancy. Avoid anything that would stress you out including this matter.
You need a calm mind to be focused and deliberate in labour.
This has nothing to do with seperating mother and son, or not letting her have contact with her grandchild. you need to be comfortable and calm without having distractions trying to please anybody.
Even your own mother who wash your yansh as a baby is not allowed in the delivery room, so why is she taking it so personal? Abi e pass this matter ni?

Jenny44life:


I was ready to compromise and allow her to come but she won't be in the hospital room. I am unwilling to have her present while I give birth.
My husband is actually the one that is not ready to compromise on the matter. He is very adamant about sticking to our decision now.

Stick to your plan, and do not budge unless circumstances beyond your control occurs. Let your Obgyn know right from now that you want only your husband present in the labour room and she/he should not allow any visitors who insist on staying. Let him/her know you have very controlling family members who would want to force their way in, but they should please tactfully discharge them.
Have your plan ready.

Mizwisdom:
Your MIL has attachment problem as many needy women do. Check, she doesn't have a loving husband so she has transferred her love to her son. You married a "mama's boy", this means you are sharing your husband with your MIL.

If your MIL insists on coming, what can you do? nothing for now. Grit your teeth and manage her presence, you should have noticed that your husband was a "mama's boy" before marriage, it's too late now. Just carry your cross and manage the situation. You can also invite your mother to come at the same time so that she will help you cope with your MIL's presence. Good luck

During counseling after our first fight, my husband said he did not defend me because he did not want to appear to scold his mother in my presence. He recognizes now how the whole thing looked to me. After the first ordeal, he is now less willing to compromise about our birth plan. I know we are on the same side this time around but it is still causing me stress.

Auntyesther:
We will wait for the married couples to come oh... Local woman cannot can!

if u are the lady on ur profile pls work on ur tommy. U almost killed it but d tommy put u off.

mimimile93:
This ur response shows the kind of a woman u are. I pity that innocent man.

LOL
I know this was going to be your follow up response. So your initial post does not tell you what kind of trash person you are? It is you I pity.
Imagine Allah sitting in his heaven and he receives the kind of prayer you sent to him towards me. It is you his wrath will fall on. Everyday you pray five times but it is so easy for you to pray for other people's deaths. Rubbish individual

If you do not want her there,insist on it and do not budge.

This is not an issue that you should compromise on.

It is your body,it is your birthing experience and it should be the way you want it,all things being equal.


I have never heard of MIL being in the birthing room without consent of the person birthing.
I usually even assumed that it's the mother of the female that is the first presence after birth?

First birth attachment is usually with mother ,those first few hours are delicate and should be a happy,calm Environment for your family not one filled with anxiety .


There is no attachment theory for grandmother.
The most important bond in first few hours of life is mother and child.

DO NOT BUDGE,if you let her steamroll you two in this,she will never stop.

You don't even need to be rude about it,if she insists on talking to you about it,just politely explain and say no.

She will get over it.

I don't know why you guys are involving the whole world.Are you afraid of her? Simple discussion to tell her she should not come till you both are ready and that will sort it.

Your house,your rules.When you go to her own house,you follow her own rules.

She may not necessarily be a bad person,just one who needs the boundaries spelled out to her in black and white


On the other issues,well,the way you two run the house is your choice.Just remember the way you start is they way you will continue forever.
Learn to stand for yourself,stop waiting for husband to stick up for you.Be polite but firm about your choices and decisions.

Not everyone is deserving of an explanation.
Life is too short.


Have a safe and wonderful delivery.

Stick to your guns. It's not just about being in the room when you are having your baby, you don't need any negative vibe at that time in your life. My EX's mother didn't give me peace of mind when I had my first child. We had issues before and after the birth, she could do no wrong in her son's eyes. So many things happened (story for another day), I have left her son for her now and she's in his house 90% of the time.

Be very careful with your MIL.

Jenny44life:


LOL
I know this was going to be your follow up response. So your initial post does not tell you what kind of trash person you are? It is you I pity.
Imagine Allah sitting in his heaven and he receives the kind of prayer you sent to him towards me. It is you his wrath will fall on. Everyday you pray five times but it is so easy for you to pray for other people's deaths. Rubbish individual

i wish u d safest delivery and i pray d baby becoms male.

eyinjuege:
I'm sure if you tell hospital staff that you want only your husband in the room when you get into labour, they will send all visitors out including your MIL.
It's not by force to expose your yansh to anybody. They should respect that. Obviously a very controlling woman, but no be by force for everyone to see ya yansh.
They can come visit the baby afterwards in hospital.
Safe delivery and enjoy your pregnancy. Avoid anything that would stress you out including this matter.
You need a calm mind to be focused and deliberate in labour.
This has nothing to do with seperating mother and son, or not letting her have contact with her grandchild. you need to be comfortable and calm without having distractions trying to please anybody.
Even your own mother who wash your yansh as a baby is not allowed in the delivery room, so why is she taking it so personal? Abi e pass this matter ni?

@bold:

This should also work too.