Franzinni:
Note: this is not a Mr know it all post... I am as clueless on the subject as the next fellow, I just need to strike a meaningful conversation with people of resounding intellectual capacity on the said topic.

I was raised in a broken home ...and I don't mean broken as in parents were not living under the same roof (at least not at first) but my meaning of broken is they were far away from each other even tho they were close together. Even as a 5 year old, I could see the tension and the silent screams and condescending side glances but since I never knew any other life, I just felt it was OK even tho the inner me could tell it was not normal.

Now, I have a mind that has its own mind and so my thought process is a little different e.g I could just be sitting and minding my business and then my mind hits me with a logical question from nowhere ...like , why did God leave the tree in the garden of eden knowing fully well that his creation will go and eat it ....since God know the beginning from the end? I then ponder for a little but with no answer I push it aside ... I have hundreds of questions which I have pushed aside for 35 + years of my existence and I guess the store is overflowing with them ...so I decided to pick one and share maybe I will get someone to give me a hand with understanding new perspectives on things.

Marriage

Marriage is the coming together of two people to become husband and wife by any means that is universally accepted based on the tradition of that place. Now I have an argument to the effect that marriage is a flawed institution and is not a natural thing because putting two people .... Totally unique individuals from totally different homes and upbringing,values,beliefs, desires,aspirations etc and putting them together for life ... It has to have its toll... And most people who get married never understand fully well what they are taking an oat for.. Most just want to have a " wedding day" forgetting happily ever after only has a place in the movies ... It is a complex journey that has so many layers to it ... I have been married for 6 years and I have had my share of ups and downs, but every time I hit a patch that question creeps into my head over and over ...is marriage meant to be a natural thing? Lets leave religion out of this for a moment, are humans supposed to be enslaved to each other for the rest of their life? If you are married or in a relationship, I can guarantee you, that you are in it for a selfish reason that you feel will be to your benefit... She is fine, she is hardworking, she is from a good home, he is handsome, his family is rich, he is tall, etc there is always a reason why we want something and deep down every last reason comes from selfishness.. You see something you like in that person and you want to have it to improve your chances of survival ...most people never think what happens when that attribute that got you to like the person fade or disappears totally.. I guess that was why my own parents never found happiness in each others arms despite the fact they lived together as each others slaves. Marriage is unnatural. It is an institution with no classes, lectures , handouts nothing, you learn as each day unfolds because every marriage is unique.. In of itself ...now you can't know what your partner is thinking, planing, you simple are forced to apply the super band aid called trust and You just have to keep dodging and ducking while blindfolded, after all love is supposed to be blind. Well I will stop here for now .... Will like to know what you think.

What do you think causes problems in marriages?

marriage is simply a relationship,it comes naturally.in years or decades to come we will definitely still see man and woman yearning to become one in spirit and in flesh.
marriage is more of companionship, being best of friends and having a shoulder to lean on. As humans we all need that 'one' close person that we can share our secrets,pains and joy with,without being judged. we meet strangers and they turn friends and then more than friends_they practically become family to us.that is exactly the way marriage is,a bond/very close relationship.

Let's leave religion out of the equation cos it brings more confusion than clarity and most importantly, it's illogical

First of all, marriage is not natural, how? Looking at the problem of political philosophy, how did we emerged into an organized society? What was existing before an organized society? We have state of nature which to some has been characterize with chaos and violence and one of the fundamental property of the state of nature is high birth rate as well as high mortality rate why?

Women care for children alone without any help from men , men sleep with any woman they can see and over power (cos women are generally weak in that state with the exception of few)and after all left them to sort themselves out throughout pregnancy period and taking care of the baby alone and because of this porous situation , few children make it to adulthood, as they die in infancy for either lack of food or from disease

But man naturally has a tendency to progress and it's from this naturality that has been proven over and over again that we come out of state of nature, we progress from snatching other people's food to growing our own , from no house to building thatch house to mud to brick(sign of progress) from sleeping with just any woman to start taking some women as your own and keeping them for good , from individualism to collectivism for the purpose of defense , and from a group of people to a society with leadership and here we come out of state of nature to an organize society


Now just like most of human nature has progress , so is marriage , we progress from walking large distance to using horse to bicycle to cars and to planes , from bathing in the river to bathing at home , from no phone to phone , from post office to email, from canoe to steam boat, we are always progressing and so also is men keeping women as theirs permanently has progress and with much dispute here and there , each society in their own way has regulate this practice in ways best known to them

Islam propose 4 women to one man
Christianity propose one woman to one man and so many culture has their own rule concerning this matter ...this is how marriage has develop from man sleeping with any woman they can overpower to permanently keeping them

Why will this practice continue ? Because it is also naturally for both man and woman to want to mate and mate they must ...however culture is a burden and when it refuse to change ....it becomes a limitation to progress and the way it has define the relationship between man and woman based on the prevalence idea of the past is straining to the current time, some marriage practice was enacted for a purpose that was necessary at some time in the past but no longer necessary in the current time ...eg bride price (which is still prevalence only in low income culture (African and Asian)to demonstrate their rufusal to progress out of that primitive practice

Human are generally docile with little knowledge in the past which makes it easy for a man and woman to live together for a very long time , but with widespread knowledge and empowerment, advancement of the women folks , marriage in the traditional sense of husband been the king and wife been the subject no longer hold , development of human right and liberty, fight for women right , feminism, equality and the rest only show that marriage culture of men been the head is no longer fashionable and because this particular aspect of human refuse to progress or change much , most men grow up thinking they are the head of women leading to irreconcilable difference leading to divorce or chaotic environment

It high time marige institution progress , it high time it stop seeing men as head , it high time it progress from that traditional cultural limitation to something mild ...if it does , relationship between men and women will improve leading to less divorce etc

#myopinion

bukatyne:


What do you think causes problems in marriages?

well in my humble opinion I feel most people who marry, marry with the destination in mind forgetting there is a journey and it is treacherous... We all see marriage as this wonderful thing where you have a partner and they will be your better half and all will be fine and dandy ...but that is far from the reality ... You will become a manager ...who manages the others expectations constantly.. One will also need to have a great deal of patience and understanding and the most of all is mutual respect ... Because if you truly respect someone ...you will find it difficult to wrong them ...

Op this is a beautiful thread

LordKO:
@OP

As much as marriage may not be natural, it remains a healthy social construct - it's a good thing that you admitted not having monopoly of knowledge because only an insane person would lay claim to such.

Actually, your parents' unhealthy marriage truly affected you negatively. It's unfortunate that you inherited their genes, and you wittingly or unwittingly didn't transmute even at adulthood; you have a poor mentality in particular and lack love in general.

No, not everyone goes into marriage/romantic relationship for selfish reasons, majority do that I know - there's a thin line between conscientiousness and selfishness, don't mix them up. Also, you have a poor understanding of what attribute is; attribute is inherent, don't mistake it for attitude, it doesn't change - it neither fades nor disappears, provided that you're talking about a mentally healthy human being.

The reason why your parents, and you by extension, never found happiness and peace of mind in their marriage is very obvious. They're two selfish (egoistic) human beings who equally married for selfish/material reasons - so they shouldn't be standard for sane people.

Marriage, just like any healthy close/intimate interpersonal relationship, is for parties who're either innately selfless (altruistic) or parties who regardless of their individual psychological profile have selfless interest towards each other/one another - sound psychological profile and high emotional quotient are added advantage. Selflessness remains the soul of love/oneness/goodness and love is the soul of marriage - of course, selflessness, not to be mistaken for foolishness, doesn't mean absence of conscientiousness.

Ambiguity and bastardization of the word love notwithstanding, it remains the greatest refreshment in life - only those who personify it, give it and have been privileged to receive it from those who equally personify it, will understand.

well penned contribution here ... But your understanding of marriage is somewhat viewed from a perspective that seems almost wonderful and simply unrealistic... You see its not that I am not happy as it seems ... I am not happy with the idea... Of marriage because In my general experience in life ... Most couples deeply carry burdens that they don't want to bare but they just put up a façade.

I am trying to be a realist here and say why marry if down the line your life will be miserable.. You might point out 100 symptoms but I am particular about the cure. If you marry and don't find love in that person anymore do you selflessly continue to love the person? Hence the reason why I said "wonderful but Unrealistic"

Let's look at this from the origin of life, humans just like other animals on earth has basic needs: procreation, company, family among other things.

Right from when humans hit puberty, there is a need for procreation. It's natural and there is nothing we can do to take that away.

In the age past, marriage was not as structured as it is now, a man that marry as many wives as he wants and have as many children he desires. But as the world began to change, cost of living gets high, the need for formal education and taking care of family becomes expensive, it becomes difficult for men to have large family uncared for or for sake of control, no man wants to be irresponsible to have children here and there from different women or men that you are unable to care for

In other to live up to the current life expectations of 21st century, a thinking human who wants to survive will have to look for a partner that both of them can survive together hence the end to look for a suitable partner.

Humans has evoled, if I want to have fewer children and all from one partner, then natural selection has to come to place. I have to select somebody that both of us can live together.

It's natural, it's animal instinct, the thing is humans are advanced animal.

If you decide to choose a partner for temporary gain outside of the need for long tern survival then you are on your own and most likely the union will break.