I am sorry, OP, that you have found yourself in the kind of marriage that MANY Nigerian women married to Nigerian Men find themselves in. The good news is MANY have survived it, even staying in it till death; and MANY are enduring it. I am not saying that all Nigerian men treat their marriage like yours is, as there are Nigerian men that you would ask God to mould you a model given on how they treat their wives.

I think you can lay your finger on what the EXACT problem is! Men behave funny when they have a problem they don't/can't discuss with their wives! Can you bring the matter up in a way he'd be happy to talk to you about it? You might have to cut back on the emotions a bit at some point, as in, treat him the way he treats you for a few days and see how he reacts. It might just work. Even loveless marriages can work as both partners know what to expect from each other and don't ask for more.

Draw 'closest' to God! Love yourself a little bit more! I reccomend the 'buy yourself flowers' idea. Even buy yourself a beautiful ring for the wedding ring finger (I don't understand why you did not request a ring for your wedding as the ceremony can be carried out with 0, 1 or 2 rings)! Try to discuss how to make your marriage the best for both of you and your child. Cry to God that you do not want to put asunder what he has joined together and to help you to make it work. Pray to God and talk to your Man! If the scales fall off his eyes, you'll both be the better for it. If he doesn't change, you'll still have God, who can do what your husband cannnot/refuses to do!

All the best, babe!

Your Hubby Loves you!!!! repeat after me " MY HUSABND Loves ME"
Hw am I sure of this? Because I was in his shoes once and my wife was in your shoes.
It all started when we moved to a new house unfortunate we were robbed 4 days afterwards and i had to relocate my family to another apartment. Unkown to her and me my wife held me responsible for this traumitising event because i dint close the window tru which the robbers gained access. she lost confidence in my manhood my ability to protect her and I LOST HER RESPECT!!
this corridor provided ample space for other grudges and these kick the ball rolling. we were all of a sudden at each others throat daggers drawn there was nothing she dint do to hurt me and i responded with equal magnanimity. its funny now looking back, we were both playing with fire and we seriously hurt each other.
WHEN A MAN LOOSE RESPECT HE CANT LOVE.MEN THRIVES ON RESPECT ITS THE AIR WE BREATHE, WOMEN THRIVES ON LOVE YOU HAVE STARVED HIM OF RESPECT HE'S STARVING YOU OF LOVE BOTH OF YOU ARE GASPING FOR BREATHE (i susgest you seek out this book  LOVE & RESPECT)

when i realised what she did that stripped me of my manhood, i shed personal tears ( mind u i have not wept since i was 17) and forgave her until i did i COULD NOT EXPRESS MY LOVE TO HER even though while we were at daggers drawn I STILL LOVE HER!!!!
There you have it a classic summary of my own experience similar to yours.
i dont think your husband has forgiven you for robbing him of his ego when he was most vulnerable thats why he'll show more love to your kid than you.
i forgave my wife after praying God to help me forgive. you husband loves you he just cant express it or make effort to make you happy because he's lost his MANHOOD ( and i mean even in bed)
THIS (PHASE),  TOO SHALL SURELY PASS!

Many thanks to all of you, your replies have been extremely helpful. Here I am to update you with a bit of what happened yesterday.

I didn't talk to my husband for about 3 days, all this time I was posting on NL. I needed time to think things through, to calm down, and to find a way to talk to him. I didn't want things to turn out as our usual arguments. During these three days, all of your posts helped me see things from many different aspects, realizing things that I didn't even see in our own relationship. I realize now that I resented my husband for our struggles in our first years of marriage, that I still felt pain and somehow held him responsible for the struggle we had to go through. I know that I have to forgive him much deeper than what I did, or this matter will show up at every given opportunity and can really hurt him (how to love someone who feels resentment?).

As much as I don't like hearing it, I have read many advices telling me to take more care of myself, and I will try to do more in that area.

Yesterday, I casually started talking to my husband again. I guess he was happy seeing I had stopped being silent. We played and talked about small things. He told me he felt sad too seeing how sad I looked these last days. At night, I asked him for a prayer time together. Then we started really talking. I was afraid he would just find a way to change the topic or say the same things he always said (with the "I told you a hundred times" tone), but he didn't. I started telling him how important it was for us to have prayer times. We used to pray together much more when we were dating and during the first years of our marriage, and that it would make us stronger and give a good example for our child too. I encouraged him to take the lead of the home, as for the prayer times and frequency.
Then I started telling him about what I've thought about and why I didn't talk to him these last days. I explained to him that my life was not so different from usual, not talking to him, since we barely do things or have fun together anymore, and that it was making us drift apart instead of growing close. That this distance between us could bring all kinds of troubles. I told him how much I was committed to our marriage. Then I let him talk, and kept my mouth shut, really listening to him (and realized how a long time it's been since I really listened to him instead of just waiting for him to finish so I could talk too, ). And he talked, truly, about his feelings and his life recently. I had no idea how he was feeling deep down inside. I knew he wasn't doing great but I thought it was only superficial. He told me of his struggles at work, his difficulties in a foreign country, how disappointed he was at the way things turned out to be. It was very touching. oh, and he also told me he was trying to quit smoking (no wonder he was so grumpy!).

I felt bad, realizing that while I was trying to play good wife with the good cooking, complaining about my uncaring husband, he was longing for a friendly talk, for more attention too.

I told him I was there and that instead of completely shutting down, he could talk to me, that I'd me more careful listening to him. I also reminded him that everytime he felt pain, I was feeling pain too, everytime he was not happy, I wasn't happy either, because his moods and feelings affected our family life. He was surprised hearing that. I told him we'd seek solutions for his problems, but that, no matter how hard it is, he should be finding happiness and love in his family, with his child and me.

He really listened to me, I really listened to him, we talked about a few other things, he accepted everything I told him so fast that I was surprised and asked him why it was so easy, if he wasn't just playing with me for me to leave him alone, he smiled and shyly said that a pastor told him the exact same things not long ago. We closed in prayer and he left the room singing about the joy of the Lord.

I don't know how things will go from here, I know it will require hard work,  but this was so refreshing and powerful, it gave me strength and faith to keep on working things out,  with him and not against him.

Once again, I thank you all so much for your encouragements and support, for all of your prayers. Every single answer here has been helpful, the two lines encouragements, the long stories and testimonies, the harsh comments that made me question my feelings and attitudes, the supportive ideas,  I know now that we are all learning when it comes to marriage, but we shouldn't give up so easily.

Many thanks to all of you 

p.s.: for those asking questions about papers, he has been on an independant visa for a couple of years already, no major change occured since. As for the wedding rings, we didn't have enough money when we got married, we were supposed to buy them a year later but we never did,

///

Oh wow! This is really good news. I am so happy things are looking up for you. Please don't forget to keep up intense prayer both on your own and with your husband. A family solidly built on God is better able to resist and overcome storms. Your husband is a good guy. Both of you will look back at the last few years with laughter in the future. Again, congratulations! I am really happy for you.

@Chaircover - I must say that I have been REALLY impressed with your empathy and quality of advice on this thread. May God continue to bless and increase you and your family!

Nice to see that you guys are heading in the right direction.

Please, let go of the painful past and look unto a sweet future. Do not dwell on the things that differentiate your husband from you. Concentrate on the things you have in common (the things that brought you together in the first place) and build on from there.

Do not hold court for your husband in your mind (where you are judge and jury, but all in your mind), talk about things as soon as it's possible and at the right time (find your path of least resistance). As an old Irish saying goes -  "You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind".

Stay blessed.

@ Poster

That was fast !

@ AbyDee
Halleluyah i equally tap into ur testimony iJn. now dat u are back on track, u now need to work hard in ur new marriage. don't wait for him to show love, care and concern but overwhelm him with the type of love, care and concern u desire for urself.  U can't be tired. As u also pray fervently, make sure u satisfy him sexually- i mean 200% percent. There is dis dat: 'a way to man heart is good food' , but u know what; good food without good sex will be a waste of time. Make it a point of duty to massage his ego by u making love to u and not the other way round. i'm a living testimony.

@Chaircover
U've really being a wonderful counsellor. can u pls send me ur email addr. to vannesaby@yahoo.com. thx

naijafrend:

That was fast !

Yes, it was, but that doesn't mean my husband will now come home every night with presents and flowers to massage my feet while reciting poems 

We opened a door to communication, and I realized the mistake in that area was mine too. I'd be careful to not let this door shut. All I hope and pray for is that this great evening, talk and prayer we had will just be the first one of many other ones. Little by little we should be able to adjust. At least, yesterday I really felt loved,  for once in a long time. And that felt good! I pray that we nurture this feeling and everything will be ok.

chaircover:

Praiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee God. Hallelujah


This is great news. Sweetheart I am so happy for you, I could give you a kiss . . . .infact I am going to give you three  

I must confess I have been worried about you over these past few days but God is indeed in control and what He has started in your marriage will be permanent Amen;  . . . . . so your all your NL family members are all expecting an invite to your diamond anniversary Amen.

One thing that gladdened my heart and that even encouraged me too, were the number of real down to earth people on this thread; As far as I know, not one person advised that you divorce your husband but all offered prayers, support and advice which demonstrates that people still hold marriage in high esteem regardless of what we see/hear around us and it also shows you that you are not the only one with struggles out there.

. . .  So hang in there baby. All is well in Jesus Name. Amen.

CC, thank you again so much for your advices and presence in these posts. Seeing so many people have faith in marriage, and praying for us made me stronger. It really touches me a lot to read you worried for me. Here are some kisses for you and the great NLers on this thread 

AbyDee:

Many thanks to all of you, your replies have been extremely helpful. Here I am to update you with a bit of what happened yesterday.

I didn't talk to my husband for about 3 days, all this time I was posting on NL. I needed time to think things through, to calm down, and to find a way to talk to him. I didn't want things to turn out as our usual arguments. During these three days, all of your posts helped me see things from many different aspects, realizing things that I didn't even see in our own relationship. I realize now that I resented my husband for our struggles in our first years of marriage, that I still felt pain and somehow held him responsible for the struggle we had to go through. I know that I have to forgive him much deeper than what I did, or this matter will show up at every given opportunity and can really hurt him (how to love someone who feels resentment?).

As much as I don't like hearing it, I have read many advices telling me to take more care of myself, and I will try to do more in that area.

Yesterday, I casually started talking to my husband again. I guess he was happy seeing I had stopped being silent. We played and talked about small things. He told me he felt sad too seeing how sad I looked these last days. At night, I asked him for a prayer time together. Then we started really talking. I was afraid he would just find a way to change the topic or say the same things he always said (with the "I told you a hundred times" tone), but he didn't. I started telling him how important it was for us to have prayer times. We used to pray together much more when we were dating and during the first years of our marriage, and that it would make us stronger and give a good example for our child too. I encouraged him to take the lead of the home, as for the prayer times and frequency.
Then I started telling him about what I've thought about and why I didn't talk to him these last days. I explained to him that my life was not so different from usual, not talking to him, since we barely do things or have fun together anymore, and that it was making us drift apart instead of growing close. That this distance between us could bring all kinds of troubles. I told him how much I was committed to our marriage. Then I let him talk, and kept my mouth shut, really listening to him (and realized how a long time it's been since I really listened to him instead of just waiting for him to finish so I could talk too, ). And he talked, truly, about his feelings and his life recently. I had no idea how he was feeling deep down inside. I knew he wasn't doing great but I thought it was only superficial. He told me of his struggles at work, his difficulties in a foreign country, how disappointed he was at the way things turned out to be. It was very touching. oh, and he also told me he was trying to quit smoking (no wonder he was so grumpy!).

I felt bad, realizing that while I was trying to play good wife with the good cooking, complaining about my uncaring husband, he was longing for a friendly talk, for more attention too.

I told him I was there and that instead of completely shutting down, he could talk to me, that I'd me more careful listening to him. I also reminded him that everytime he felt pain, I was feeling pain too, everytime he was not happy, I wasn't happy either, because his moods and feelings affected our family life. He was surprised hearing that. I told him we'd seek solutions for his problems, but that, no matter how hard it is, he should be finding happiness and love in his family, with his child and me.

He really listened to me, I really listened to him, we talked about a few other things, he accepted everything I told him so fast that I was surprised and asked him why it was so easy, if he wasn't just playing with me for me to leave him alone, he smiled and shyly said that a pastor told him the exact same things not long ago. We closed in prayer and he left the room singing about the joy of the Lord.

I don't know how things will go from here, I know it will require hard work,  but this was so refreshing and powerful, it gave me strength and faith to keep on working things out,  with him and not against him.

Once again, I thank you all so much for your encouragements and support, for all of your prayers. Every single answer here has been helpful, the two lines encouragements, the long stories and testimonies, the harsh comments that made me question my feelings and attitudes, the supportive ideas,  I know now that we are all learning when it comes to marriage, but we shouldn't give up so easily.

Many thanks to all of you 

p.s.: for those asking questions about papers, he has been on an independant visa for a couple of years already, no major change occured since. As for the wedding rings, we didn't have enough money when we got married, we were supposed to buy them a year later but we never did,

wow this is great. Who would have thought it was just a little silly easy thing. communication works wonders I guess.
Congratulations on this very big step!!

and I hope you forgive my previous harsh comments and skepticism.

moremi2008:

@Chaircover - I must say that I have been REALLY impressed with your empathy and quality of advice on this thread. May God continue to bless and increase you and your family!

I'm really impressed too. She should take up marriage counseling as a professional career infact. lol

Hi abbydee,
My post is a little long but I would appreciate if you took some time to go through it.
if I had a chance to meet you, I would have loved to ask you a few questions such as; how long have you been married to him, how did you two meet, how was he when you met, at what point did the ‘change’ start, what your relationship with his family like, what type of friends does he have, does he carry women, What are the things you still appreciate about him e.t c.
However I will try to offer my little advice using the contents of your post by the paragraph.
Firstly marriage does not mean abolition of rights, you have the right to complain and say what you really feel. The only challenge is saying it without hurting his ego. This basically has to do with how you say it and when you say it. Sometimes what you say is as important as how you say it. You do not have to give it to him as hot as it is in your mind. You do not have to speak in the heat of the moment. Always digest things before you say them. Talking about wishing to go back to your single days; I do not know how old you are but do you really think you would be happy if you were still single any suitor at this time. I am not that all singles are unhappy. My point is that we humans always think that the grass is greener on the other side. This is always not so. The best is to face where we are and find a way out.
I do not know your husband and I don’t mean to sound chauvinistic but from what you have written I can deduce a few things. The fact that he drinks and smokes is not the best but that he is not violent at home is commendable. The reason is that drinking, smoking and beating go together in most cases. When you said ‘no plans for the future’ does that mean that he does not have a plan or that he doesn’t share it with you? If it is the first then there is a big problem but if it is the second it is easier to handle.
Not sharing anything with him, not going out together, not having dates . . .all these are not problems but symptoms of an underlying gulf between you two. The fact that he clubs shows that he is a social person only that he is not showing that aspect of him towards you. That also explains his coming to bed after you are long asleep.
The fact that you acknowledge that you have you own faults shows that you are not being myopic about the situation, however what you term ‘lot’ of efforts in your own perspective might not be lot to him. Your post suggests that you are not from the same tribe. That could have its own challenges but nothing is insurmountable. There are a lot of people who have inter ethnic marriages and are enjoying it.
In the same vein what you see as not making ‘any costly effort’ to him might doing his best. Also if you feel like an investment to him it is your feeling and only you can change how you feel. You shouldn’t give anyone the authority to make you feel less than a person-not even your husband. That does not mean you should shout it at him or to his face but make yourself understand it so well that it becomes so real to you just as you are a mother to your child an nothing can change that.
You might have made many attempts to talk to him but if you have not made the right attempts you might not get the right result. There is always a right way to address an issue. It might not be the obvious way.
My advice is as follows;
1) Develop yourself image; I understand that a lot of a woman’s self worth comes from her family. That is why divorces tend to affect women the most. This is not bad in itself because it arises from the depth of love and commitment she puts into the family. However you must realize that you were a whole human being before you got married and marriage would not change that fact. Marriage is two whole people coming together and not two halves to become one.
2) What are the things you still like about him? What are the good sides that he has? Most times the reason why we get married and the reason we stay married are quite different. You will need to find the reasons why you should stay with him and work things out.
3) Find out the trigger factor; I’m sure he was not like this when you married him. If this is so then there must have been a trigger factor I;e the cause of the change. If you cannot place a handle on it does not mean that it does not exist. The next best thing is to ask him in a respectful sober and polite manner. A moment after a lovemaking session is one of such good times.
4) Rebrand yourself; look out for what he likes and try to satisfy him ‘the way he likes it’. Sometimes men see their wives as conquered territories from which they are not expecting anything new. A lot of the times the wives do not help as they become boring too. Try to surprise him. Do the things he does not expect you to.
5) You should seek counsel from people around you who are more mature and have better marriages.
6) Lastly, you need to find spiritual peace. By that I mean accepting Christ as your lord and savior for He is the one that can essentially give you peace and touch the heart of your husband. If this is the only thing you do you have solved 80% of the problem.

I hope you find these tips useful. If you have any question you can e-mail me at pettral@yahoo.com. Wishing you all the best.

what a wonderful wife. Keep it up please, that's what it takes, no devil can take your marriage away. what a lovely husband you have. We all have feelings and it is not always easy especially when a man feels he's not measuring up. You are a great woman.

to be candid with you i see no life or marriage threatening problem here. u need to communicate to your man verbally or if you feel emotions won't let , you could write them down when your alone exactly how you feel about the relationship and things he could do to make you happier. this is your choice of a life partner, make the best of him. except your fantasising with your ex or a new man and comparing the two. be careful because of your child.

///

oyinda.:

wow this is great. Who would have thought it was just a little silly easy thing. communication works wonders I guess.
Congratulations on this very big step!!

and I hope you forgive my previous harsh comments and skepticism.

No hard feelings at all, I appreciated how you took my problems seriously


Oh, and I also encourage CC for a career as marriage counsellor

^^^^
I'd advice her to start a TV show called CeeCee

This love story is so sweet. let me go marry and enjoy sweetness kwa

goodluck with everything OP

Read the thread from beginning hoping to contribute only to see the the tide has changed.
well, guess we can't always get to play marriage counsellors

@OP,
i have a lot in common with your man (apart from smoking and clubbing ), but it definitely doesn't mean i don't love my wife.
the difference is that my wife knows it. and we manage to speak to each other no matter what.
please enjoy ur new found 'love life'. conversation is the salt of marriage.

@CC and others, please keep up the good work.

@ Poster
I have been patiently going through the thread trying to read all the comments before i chip in my own two kobo.

Thank God, there is really no need for that now.

I was going to advice you to listen to advices from peeps like moremi2008, Rossike, Akindayor, OAM4J, mutter, Yemi313 and of course, chaircover rather than defend ur actions and push blames to ur husband.

I am happy u listened, did a deep sober reflection (wit an open mind), realised some of ur mistakes and made a good decision.

I had almost about the same scenario in my marriage of five years. Unfortunately, mine didn't have a happy ending like urs cos it ended in a divorce about three weeks ago. The difference between u and my ex wife is dat, while u were open minded and listened to advice even wen they seem harsh and against wat u think or feel, my ex wont listen to any advice that is against wat she think is right.

I'm also happy dat u took time to really listen to him this time, cos the tendency most time is to form an opinion or jump to a conclusion such dat watever the other party is saying would seem like a waste of time to u.

This is just the first step and it is good to know dat u've resolved to work harder at it.

Keep it up and i wish you good luck and God's presence in ur marriage.

So many comments on here. I would refer you to these links on marriage. Please also let your husband read them, especially the first link

http://woahnigeria./2010/10/15/let-us-play-mama-and-papa/

http://woahnigeria./2010/09/12/marriage-or-carriage/

jay bee:

^^^^
I'd advice her to start a TV show called CeeCee

Supported.

CC, I told you you are always loved and appreciated.


@OP

Am happy for you. Keep listening more, loving more and complaining less and you will see him opening up and loving you more.


[size=14pt]To God be the Glory[/size]
another Nairaland Family Section Solution
(c)2010 

///

Abygal.

Move closer to your man, Its easy for him to relapse when he is down.

If you can go out with him, maybe once a week, if he wants to club, Go to club with him. Engage him and you would see changes

I am really touched by this story. Mostly because I believe the poster is very honest with herself. I don't know how your husband feels about you or how you feel about him for that matter but there must have been a reason y'all got married. First thing you need to do is talk. It is a barbaric culture/religion that tells a woman she HAS to suffer in silence. Tell him what you're going through. He may not respond positively but at least it would be out there. Ask him to tell you what his own problems are. Some may be ridiculous as I'm sure some of yours might be. Talk first. It's your frigging RIGHT. You're his partner and not his accessory.

Asides all this, I too have problems with maintaining a level of interest in someone so I'll be extremely careful with another commitment but I find it that sometimes a lil break away from someone is refreshing. Think about stuff like this. Find other hobbies to make you happy. Even great love stories don't have to be one doting and drooling over the other. He oughta complete you but not validate your existence. But I have a sneaky feeling you know all of this. Good luck!

You are a rare gem. I read your story earlier on today and could feel your angst and you have not done any wrong whatsoever, you were the one there when his friends were betraying him, you were the one there when he had nothing, it is not too much to expect him to be there when you were pregnant . . . I also couldn't see where the "you got married to him thinking he'd change" line of thought came from, rather, he changed, then you married him, then he went back to his old ways. . . I sincerely hope he has changed for the best forever, because like I said earlier, you are one of a kind, you are a good person, a very good wife, keep it up, and keep praying and keep believing. And whatever you do, keep talking to your Hubby, keep the line of communication open, don't wallpaper over the cracks, stop walking on eggshells around your home, confront things head on, keep being the meek soul you are, God will grant your heart's desires. I wish you forever marital bliss.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<abyDee,
you opened this thread hoping to learn from others but I think you ended up giving us more than we gave you.
Reading this thread is so refreshing because it brings hope to many that love can move obstacles in a marriage.
Your love kept you going and that is just great.
a family that prays together stays together.
Your husband needs to learn that in a foreign land it is sometimes difficult to break trough, but if he keeps his family in tact, his kids can one day attain the what he had difficulty attaining.

*runs into thread*
yaaaaayyyyy

But CC you need a PhD in family studies oh, I will personally go out to look for more situations for you to unravel, chei Mr CC eye sha!

///

, perhaps educating yourself on the matter will be useful, and your spouse too may need to read this:

http://20a7dkl7k0ivgt2dbrg8bfxdbl./, 'Save my Marriage Today' book

Nice one , I am glad to hear this, patience and perseverance definitely does pay. Wish you all the best