The World Wide Lock down has been a tale of two valleys for me.

Both valleys began with falling, deep into darkness, and both involved lifting up, to new heights that were outside my previous realm of possibilities. Although the journey has not been easy, I trust that it continues to be a necessary one for me to experience.

The reality that we have all been handed overnight has felt jarring. Everything has changed as life has asked us to change quickly and in ways we would have never imagined.

Working from home, if we are fortunate to still have work. Engaging and entertaining children the entire day, every day. Spending all of our time with the same people, in very close quarters. It is natural to feel unprepared for this new reality that we did not ask for.

The two valleys that I have started to experience are part of a journey of transformation and perhaps evolution. From asking “what do I want from life?” to ask instead “what does life want from me?

The First Valley

What feels like lifetimes ago was a mere two weeks ago, when I fell deep into the first valley.

I was still in New York City and on a warm early spring evening, went to a friend’s play reading in midtown. We all greeted one another with waves, smiles and the occasional Namaste instead of the handshakes and hugs that we were accustomed to. Several dozen of us, sitting next to one another on plastic chairs, crammed into a small studio space. What felt like a normal “New York experience” at the time now appears like a mortal sin reflecting back on it?

After the play reading, my friend and I shared a bite at a nearby restaurant. That was the last meal I had at a restaurant and will be for a while to come. We talked, laughed and cried together as we told stories about our everyday lives, shared past memories and future hopes. As we parted ways after dinner, we accidentally gave each other an innocent hug. And were immediately in shock, as we realized we had done something that we were not supposed to do anymore. That was the last time I hugged a friend, and will be for a while to come.

Once back in my apartment, sitting on my comfortable couch, I checked my phone for the latest Corona virus news. New York City declared a state of emergency. I stopped reading and stared blankly ahead, as if someone was sitting there, as my mind began to process the implications. I only had to read a few more sentences on my phone to confirm the decision that my heart had already made. I had to leave New York and come back home to Canada to weather this storm. At the time, little did I realize how fierce this storm was going to be? In this moment, it continues to torment and destroy the new ‘ground zero’ of this global health pandemic.

The next few days, back with my parents in Canada, I started to fall deep into darkness as I struggled to make sense of all the sudden and simultaneous changes in my life.

My physical space was changed. The routines and communities that I had become accustomed to disappeared overnight and I now was left to redesign my lifestyle. The connections were rewired instantly. My laptop became the only window into my business. My parent’s television was now the only window into the world. And my phone was the window to connect with friends.

Feelings of fear, anxiety and stress passed over me, day and night. Sleeping more than a few hours continuously was an impossible task. As the time I spent in meditation increased, I became even more aware of how I had been feeling.


Once I became aware of my own suffering, everything changed.

First, I stopped identifying with it. The fact that I was experiencing anxiety in these moments did not mean that I was now an anxious person.

Next, I accepted that reality was different now. Once I had let go of what was, I could then make space for what could be. That is when I began to reframe my relationship to this moment. I had a choice and decided to see the goodness now present in my life. More quality time with my parents. More clarity and fewer distractions on how to direct the business. More space to meditate and practice yoga. More intentional effort to connect with friends.

With acceptance, I started to regain a familiarity, one that I didn’t realize how much I valued. This is how I lifted myself out of the first valley, to a new height filled with possibilities that previously I was blind to.

I finally began to sleep through the night again. And then everything changed.


The Second Valley
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