The night before I packed my bags to leave Lagos for Kogi, as a fresher in the University, turned out to be one that still erupt laughter on my face up to this day. You see my Mother ehn! She is a very interesting human being. She is the kind whose actions & words will always leave your mouth wide agape on the incredibility of whatsoever she just said or did. Humour was her gift, and she always ferret for it in the most unlikely situations.
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So it started like this. As I was arranging my clothes with the hyper- enthusiasm of a fresher, Mama Akara and her husband naa called me to the parlour, to stuff me with those kind of homily that are supposed to make you stay on track in school and not join bad gang. It was 11:20PM and the room was extremely hot. Rumours had it that our haughty Landlady who thinks she’s the most educated person in the world insulted a top NEPA official 2 days ago. They said she called him a “Fool at forty”.
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So that’s how NEPA decided to clap back on her by disconnecting our Compound’s cable.
Of what use is the venom of a snake on the shells of a tortoise?
What is the effect of a spear thrown at the Ocean?
Landlady is a proud owner of a standby generator and very good solar system!
She had everything to sustain her, even if NEPA decides to withhold the light till Jesus comes.

With no consideration for we the humble masses, vengeful NEPA plunged us into darkness and extreme heat. Thereby, declaring the environment a free sucking zone for Mosquitoes that had beef with us for killing their kinsmen in the last communal clash.

After a stretched silence of gazing at each other faces, which we could barely see, My Dad cleared his throat as every traditional Man would, to signify his authority.

“hhhnmmmgh hhhmmmgh!…. Iko-Ojo My Boy, you are leaving for the University tomorrow and it’s a thing of joy for me because you are going somewhere I couldn’t go. I tried… and tried…. But still, naa only SSCE certificate I achieve”……..he narrated solemnly…… “Plsss, always remember where you came from”

Mama Akara cuts in with her hyperactive nature…….

“Yes my Daddy, remember say na you be my everything… No join bad gang oo... If anybody say make you come make ona do cultist, tell them say You no dey do.. Dem dey kill person for Anyigba ooo!”

“Yes…. Iko, na true your mummy dey tell you. Anyigba na very dangerous place..Last year, Dem shoot Baba Ugbede’s first Son…. You know Micheal naa? Yes! Naa God save that boy oo…na small thing remain!”

“Daddy abeg ooo, face the book wey you find go oooo”….. Mama Akara dropped on her knees pleading

As all these drama unfolds, me I was just looking in amusement. I wanted to laugh, but the seriousness they attached to this conversation won’t make me dare to. Before I’ll pissed the Queen who just venerated me by going down on her knees to plead. Before she’ll transform into my worse nightmare by bringing “Oliwo” to disentangle my bones in few seconds.

“Mummy… Daddy… I don hear wetyn ona talk… I go behave well”.... I replied with a feigned sincerity so they’ll just end the convo and let me catch some sleep before its Bus time.

“Ehn ehn! Iko e remain one thing”… Daddy said, with his index finger raised.

“Wetyn sah?”… I asked

“If you reach Campus, no pursue woman.. No follow girls at all.. dem fit make you lose focus”

“Okay sah”

“No be just okay sah, I know say you like Woman well well!.. No follow girls ooo”

Mama Akara cuts in again……This time with a pout of mockery targeted at her beloved husband’

“No be you him resemble?”

“You say wetyn?”

“I say Lion no dey born goat na”

“Ehn! olakorlor… na me him resemble.. thank you!” he shifted his attention away from Mama Akara immediately to avoid any further whistleblowing.

“Iko my Boy, remember wetyn I talk, no pursue woman!”

Mama Akara cuts in again……

“See Daddy, I no talk say make you pursue Woman ooooo… But if you see big Man pikin follow am oooo”

“See you… see you… see advise wey you dey give your pikin!... wetyn you mean by big man pikin?”
“Big Man pikin na dem Shenator, Politichan, and govunor pikin naa”

“Ehn ehn what do you mean, My son sef no be big man pikin?”

“I no talk like that na!”

“See Woman make I tell you everybody naa big Man for him house oo”

“hahahahah…Big man pass big man ooo… You no know say if him jam one big man daughter wey like am now, he don hammer!”

“No talk like that abeg… Big Man pikin na God?”

“God fit send am na”

“blab bla bla bla”
“bla bla bla bla”
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I watched them argue over whether a “big Man’s daughter is good for their Son or Not”. And it was obvious that these folks were no longer aware of my presence in the couch directly opposite to them. If I stay up and continue watching this drama, I might miss my bus by the time I finally get to sleep. What was supposed to be my moment was hijacked by these two lovebirds. So in pretense, I decided to announce my noble presence with a loud snore!
“zzzzzrrrggggghhh….. zzzzzzrrrgggghhhh….. zzzzhhhrrrggghhh!”

“Eh ya…. Oma mii mo lodu mee… Sleep don carry am”….Said Mama Akara pitifully

“No be you cause am with your long long talk”

“Say na me dey talk story since, abi na you?...ehn?”

“Fine, I don hear, make we go sleep”

“Leave me I no sleep!”

“dat one na your wahala!”….
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In my fake “One eyed sleep”, I was laughing inside my mind as I watched them with keen interest on how they argued like a Couple that just got married recently. I nearly gave myself out when a laugh that was supposed to be supposed to be soundless came out under my breath. Thank God they didn’t notice. If not ehn! Advice session go resume immediately.

Mama Akara walked towards the couch where I lay, placed her palm on my heads and whispered;
“Ojo kii du gbo eh”
Translated…
“May God be with you!”.

As she walked into the room to join her husband; I heard her scream out’

“Mr Danjuma Bako, hope say you arrange dat bed before you lie down?”
He replied…..

“That’s what I signed you for naa!”
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And the rest is history!

Ha! The legendary Oliwo(Turning stick) That thing gave me whitlow o. Igala mum and Oliwo.

tahir01:
Ha! The legendary Oliwo(Turning stick) That thing gave me whitlow o. Igala mum and Oliwo.

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