Our client, a Niger Delta Militant Group with branches in strategic locations throughout all the six South-South states of Nigeria is seeking to expand its operations to Abuja , the Federal Capital territory. This expansion has brought about vacancies for qualified and experienced young officers. The positions are:

Area Head, Kidnapping:

The successful applicant who will report to the Executive Council, and the Executive Director, Abuja , is expected to possess the following competencies:

1) Minimum of 10 years experience in militant agitation. (Membership of Al-qaeda, Hamas or other similar organisation will be an added advantage)

2) Fluent knowledge of Hausa, Ijaw, English, Italian and German

3) Expert ability to distinguish between Oyinbos and Albinos

4) Ability to swim in deep waters

5) Ability to recognise fake/marked naira notes by sight

6) Ability to easily recognise all Senators and Ministers of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Evidence of previous successful kidnap of BIG MEN must be provided (pictures preferable)


Photographer:

1) Minimum of 5 years experience taking photos in war zones. (Domestic fights do not qualify as war zones for these purposes)

2) Proficiency in the use of explosives as camera lighting.

3) Knowledge of the different skin tones of expatriates, as an aid to taking high-quality pictures, is a must.

4) Proficiency in the use of Adobe Photoshop, and Internet photo uploading software is a must.

Please include a portfolio of previous photo-samples (must contain kidnapped persons OR be taken in war-zones OR be nightshots in blackspots like Oshodi, 3rd Mainland bridge, Apongbon, etc)


Militant Trainee:

1) Candidates must be between the ages of 13 and 50, be at least 4m tall, and may be male or female.

2) Minimum of Nursery School/Kindergarten certificate.

3) Jobless university graduates, and serving policemen will be given special consideration.

4) Possession of jungle boots and face mask is a must.

5) Preference will be given to persons with knowledge of foreign European languages, and persons with the ability to swim.


Renumeration:

Very attractive, competitive, and comparable with industry standards (payments in foreign currencies).

Official guns, boats and grenades will be provided.

Excellent training, involving offshore secondment ( Iraq , Afghanistan etc) from time to time

Regular appearance on CNN, Alaaroye, Time Magazine, The Economist and other International magazines.

Excellent networking opportunities with Nigerian politicians, oil magnates, and foreign businessmen.


Interested applicants should forward their applications and detailed curriculum militae within two weeks to:
militant_recruitmen t@OsamaConsultin g.com

my bad, didnt know it was posted here, was excited! here's another one


PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE LEAVING CERTIFICATE:
NAME OF STUDENT : Aremu Mathew Okikiola Olusegun ObasanjoCLASS : Aso Rock Villa
YEAR OF GRADUATION : May 29th 2007
SUBJECT SCORE GRADE
1. Energy 19% F9
3. Education 17% F9
4. Poverty Eradication 5% F9
5. Telecommunication 50% C5
6. Human Right Abuse 75% A3
7. Globe Trotting 100% A1
8. Fuel Price Hike 175% A1+
9. Reforms 40% C6
10. Fighting Corruption 20% F9
11. Transparency 9% F9
12. Accountability 12% F9
13. Credible Election 2% F9
14. Crime fighting 10% F9
15. Women Affairs 200% AAA


REMARK : Outstanding! No resit please.
PERFOMANCE : YOU BE THE JUDGE.
,
SIGNED: NIGERIANS