Hello everybody!
First,I want to apologize I am not a nigerian and write here,but I think you guys,can help me or at least give me an advice,
Here is the difficult situation:
I have a serious relationship with a nigerian guy and we are in England now (he is working here).We love each other very much and he means the world for me.We are together for a year and was about to live together (we are currently living in different cities and travel and spend weeks together).Everything was perfect between us,until he told his family in Nigeria about me, And,unfortunately they said "no".They told him,they don't wanna him to have anything in common with a white girl.They don't accept me as a white girl.And they don't wanna talk with him at all.But they don't know such a pain it is for us, to break up, So now he has to choice between me and his family, Hard decision for both of us, We really love each other and I will do everything for him,without any doubts,
So guys,do you have any advices for me?? I know all about cultural difference,but I love your country and culture and respect it,
Hope things to change!!!

Need your help and knowledge,

God bless you all!!!

How long have you guys been together?

Who told you his family is not in support of the relationship?

We are together for almost a year.And he told his family about me,cause our relationship is very serious and his family said 'no'.And one day he told me the all situation,

what is the proof that he told his family?or are you just concluding because he told you himself?

@ OP

Volunteer to speak to his family.
The benefits of doing so : (a) rule out that he made up a story to get rid of you (b) If what he said was true,  then maybe you can talk to them and get a first hand knowledge of what their exact problem is (c) You get a chance to prove that it is just not a fling and could tell them about how much you value this relation and the things you are willing to do to make this work.

Am not interested how long you have been in the relationship.

My question is do you believe in God? If yes. Then trust Him for He is able to give you that which is yours. Not even the man's people can stop you if God says yes.

What is important is if both of you love each other. Go ahead and believe God, make sure you are at peace with God, he will make even them that disapprove the marriage to be the ones that will share your wedding card in Jesus name.

njcdrich:

Am not interested how long you have been in the relationship.

My question is do you believe in God? If yes. Then trust Him for He is able to give you that which is yours. Not even the man's people can stop you if God says yes.

What is important is if both of you love each other. Go ahead and believe God, make sure you are at peace with God, he will make even them that disapprove the marriage to be the ones that will share your wedding card in Jesus name.

What is the proof that they love each other? As Jennykadry and Naijafrend had mentionned, her man may be trying to get rid of her by making up this story.

So far there is no indication that someone has disapproved the marriage. OP has a homework to do.

TheCongo

jennykadry:

what is the proof that he told his family?or are you just concluding because he told you himself?

naijafrend:

@ OP

Volunteer to speak to his family.
The benefits of doing so : (a) rule out that he made up a story to get rid of you (b) If what he said was true,  then maybe you can talk to them and get a first hand knowledge of what their exact problem is (c) You get a chance to prove that it is just not a fling and could tell them about how much you value this relation and the things you are willing to do to make this work.

if the guy came up with this story to dump her then shouldnt she simply leave the guy? or do you guys suggest that she should fight to stay with someone that doesnt want to be with her?

@poster
the important question IS: what did he say/decide about it all?
if family is VERY important to him (like in most Nigerian household) then i suggest you go on your merry way and find yourself someone else. on the other hand, if he serious about you and decide to go on with your love and happiness then good luck to the both of you.

MRbrownJAY:

if the guy came up with this story to dump her then shouldnt she simply leave the guy? or do you guys suggest that she should fight to stay with someone that doesnt want to be with her?

First scenario: if the guy loves her but his family doesn't like her, then she should fight to stay with him.

Second scenario: if the guy doesn't love her and came up with this story to get rid of her, then she should dump him.

We don't know which case is involved here. Accordingly, it is best for her to find out if he had told his family as he claimed he did.

TheCongo

^^^^ bro, is that not a waste of time?
A) if he did tell them and the story is true then she will have to accept what he has decided on the matter.
b) if he has NOT told them and that is just a BS story then she will dump his behind (which he is looking forward to anyway).

so she might as well just talk to him directly instead of jeopardizing her relationship with the guy by not showing him TRUST at this very delicate time. if he wants to dump her then he will automatically say that he cant date her anymore(when she ask) and the case will be closed.

@MRbrownJAY

If he came up with that story, the woman should stop all of this nonsense at once (if she has an iota of self respect)  No matter how much ever you love someone, never allow someone to take you for a ride, and that too in a silly manner like this !!! Oh yes, and before she bids farewell, it would be nice if she gave him a tight slap, a parting gift !

@ OP

If this guy really wanted to dump you there would be other signs as well. I'm sure he would have been avoiding you under the pretext of being sad about his folks' attitude and all. You seem to be naive and too smitten in the whole  affair thing and would have surely overlooked all of those signs, if there were any. I'd definitely advice you to sit down with a clear head, assess the situation, compare how things had been then and now and only then should investigate whether his story is true or not. If you feel there is a clear difference, you dont even need to find out if all of it ws made up or not.

If you feel he is as much into this as you are , then probably both of you should try to talk to his folks and if that doesn't work BOTH of you should pay a visit to his folks, even if that involves a lot of money and time.

It is very possible that his family don`t want it. Allot of bad experiences in bi national marriages are to blame.
Very often families are against the choice for one reason or the other.
If you both love each other, he can convince his family with time.
Just the same way many whites don`t want their kids bringing home a black partner.
Don`let that worry him.
If that guy really want`s to he can remain with you.
Hope he is for real?

Betty

A good number of our folks in Nigeria are still very much weary of cross cultural marriages for fear of unknown and other reasons

But then I know a lot of people who got over those barriers, not immediately or with ease, but overtime with much persuasions.

It depends on your bf, what is his stand? does he believe he can persuade/convince his family to change their mind?

If he doesn't believe he can, and he thinks you two should end the relationship, then you might just leave him and move on.

.

He knew all along that his family will object to him dating a white girl, and yet he went ahead and got himself hooked up to one. One would expect that for his to 'fall in love', he must have been prepared to face the consequences!

Guys and their baseless 'excuses'!

^^^^^ Did poster indicate she was white? I may be missing something here.

TheCongo

Inter racial marriages have a 10% chance of survival, talking from my observations of ten such marriages I know.

You dated for a year and your dude was fine with you when you were both in separate cities, doing your undercover loving, and he only cooked up the "my family" story, when you were about moving in together, so you need to remove the blinkers from your eyes


Although, a lotta Nigerian Parents frown on their children dating and marrying outsiders, that you are not Nigerian nor have the same culture, has nothing to do with this issue on the ground at all, your boyfriend was just looking for an easy way out, otherwise he would have broached your existence to his Parents earlier on in the relationship Sniff around closely if you can be bothered and you would see you have either been replaced or is about to be, by his wifey-to-be

Busy_body:



You dated for a year and your dude was fine with you when you were both in separate cities, doing your undercover loving, and he only cooked up the "my family" story, when you were about moving in together, so you need to remove the blinkers from your eyes


Although, a lotta Nigerian Parents frown on their children dating and marrying outsiders, that you are not Nigerian nor have the same culture, has nothing to do with this issue on the ground at all, your boyfriend was just looking for an easy way out, otherwise he would have broached your existence to his Parents earlier on in the relationship Sniff around closely if you can be bothered and you would see you have either been replaced or  is about to be, by his wifey-to-be

I like busy_body. She always hits the nail in the head.

OP, remove the blinkers from your eyes.

By the way, BUSY_BODY are you a lawyer?

Same question goes for MRbrownJAY: Are you a lawyer?

TheCongo

Busy_body:



You dated for a year and your dude was fine with you when you were both in separate cities, doing your undercover loving, and he only cooked up the "my family" story, when you were about moving in together, so you need to remove the blinkers from your eyes


Although, a lotta Nigerian Parents frown on their children dating and marrying outsiders, that you are not Nigerian nor have the same culture, has nothing to do with this issue on the ground at all, your boyfriend was just looking for an easy way out, otherwise he would have broached your existence to his Parents earlier on in the relationship Sniff around closely if you can be bothered and you would see you have either been replaced or is about to be, by his wifey-to-be

LOL She claims to be inlove, no doubt about that, but I doubt this guys love for her.

LOL The guy is moving on or about to get married and is using the "family not in support" line to walk out of the relationship smoothly.

The reason why we nigerian women are smart, a guy can't easily deceive us with such stupid excuse.

TheCongo:

I like busy_body. She always hits the nail in the head.

OP, remove the blinkers from your eyes.

By the way, BUSY_BODY are you a lawyer?

Same question goes for MRbrownJAY: Are you a lawyer?

TheCongo

Thanks, see me blushing Nah, I am not a Lawyer yet, I used to teach teenagers before, hence my Schoolmarm-ishitis (sic) ways  

jennykadry:

LOL She claims to be inlove, no doubt about that, but I doubt this guys love for her.

LOL The guy is moving on or about to get married and is using the "family not in support" line to walk out of the relationship smoothly.

The reason why we nigerian women are smart, a guy can't easily deceive us with such silly excuse.

Hmmm, na only single girls Naija men nor fit deceive oh, once Naija women marry, na to turn into doormat remain Thinking of which hmmm, sorry to digress but dunno how to say this, but am i reading the Bible correctly, cos I stumbled upon a passage on some gifts of the Holy Spirit, and came across the word "longsuffering" and checked the dictionary for its meaning, i.e. - long, patient endurance of insult, abuse or mistreatment, patiently bearing continual wrongs or trouble, enduring mental or physical discomfort for a protracted period of time patiently or without complaint; longanimity"

I still don't know the meaning of the last word  up there but bia Jenny I am confused, is that the real meaning, and why does it only apply to women only Can I pick and choose the gifts I want instead There should be a compromise surely Chei, na wetin my eye find go reach there It is not even funny but wetin man pikin fit do, choi

My dia, you are not a 'family yet'. . . so, the only advice I can give you now as an 'experimental, cultural, "Jung[b][size=20pt]O[/size][/b]-Fever", rat' in the hands of one of awa brodas is right here:

http://www.topix.com/forum/world/nigeria/T6MAVH1UFMVFA7K69

Onyinye wrote:

[size=20pt]I am a Nigerian- [/size]

I now live in North America. I have grown up with Nigerians, I interact with Nigerians and I have dated Nigerian men. I am sorry to say, but Nigerian men even scare ME!!!! I truly fear them.
To be clear, of course NOT ALL of them are evil, liars and cheats. HOWEVER, based on my experiences, the experiences of my Nigerian friends, my family, and my cousins, I will say that MOST- definitely the MAJORITY of Nigerian men are cheats and liars. [size=16pt]This is coming from a full Naija lady. [/size] I'm sure many Nigerians will call me a traitor and what not but I am just being real. Nigerian men are truly something else. Sha, if I can share the stories of my friends and myself in our experiences with Nigerian men- especially the married ones, it will take me forever and many people will just be shocked! It is not even just the cheating.

They are just all around poisonous. And yes, I have a Nigerian father and male relatives and yup, I have expressed my disdain about the Naija men to them. Oh, and I'm so tired of minding my business and having these married losers trying to chase me. You tell them no, but they will still bother you. They no get shame. Another thing, they are too money hungry. It is quite scary.

I used to want to marry a Nigerian man, but I am only human and can only be let down so much and see so much negativity. I have now resolved to broadening my horizons. Nigerian men and their false sense of entitlement are just too much stress.

I await the onslaught of people calling me traitor, a bad woman, blah blah. But I gladly welcome all remarks. Nothing that can be said can override the things I have witnessed as a Nigerian woman with my own 2 eyes. I have many white friends as well, and the experiences of my Nigerian friends is just so disheartening. I pray to God to keep me away from the evil ones (which is unfortunately most of Nigerian men.

Enjoy! Almost 80 pages of women like you complaining to the world about 'Nigerian Men'. . . .
Hope you do not end up there too.

Call me when you need a strong shoulder to cry on huh?

We are together for a year and was about to live together (we are currently living in different cities and travel and spend weeks together).Everything was perfect between us,until he told his family in Nigeria about me,

At least you have[b] 'chopped'[/b] him goooooooood for a whole year. You did not lose all ways.

Keep chopping sis. . . .and let it end there.
For old time's sake.
You will need the memories on those cold winter nights to warm you up long after he is in another woman's bed.

Sorry darling. . . he does not want to marry you. This has absolutely nothing to do with his family.
Every Nigerian man knows the 'cultural taboos' associated with any relationship PRIOR to embarking on one or several. . . . .especially outside Nigeria.

He is not being honest with you.


Goodluck sweewrie pie!