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Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? - Family - Nairaland

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Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 11:30am On May 23, 2011
Once again, thank you all. I am indeed grateful and with God, things can only get better 2013!cheesy

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Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by Nobody: 11:38am On May 23, 2011
LaShawn:

He has insulted me in ways no one has ever done.
He told me that the issue with girls like me is that when they see a serious man, they misuse the opportunity and that they later end up with rif-rafs.

That's him there love. He has just described himself smiley


What has stopped me is that he can be very loving, when he is not in a bad mood. He can be very caring and romantic.

This is not enough for a relationship talkless of marriage. You know marriage is for better for worse right? Take your bathroom slippers, put it on your head and run. You cannot even deal with his mood swings now that you guys are not even married, how do you think you'll deal with it when you get married?

TRUST is one spicy ingredient in marriage. Without it both persons are wasting their time. You don't have that between you two right now


Do not listen to those telling you to stay. They are not the ones that will live with you till death do yous part. If this man maltreats you like these in marriage, believe me, they will be the first to run out of the door and leave you to sort out your issues yourself

Sweetheart, please walk out. For the sake of your unborn kids sad

1 Like

Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by webcam(m): 12:11pm On May 23, 2011
girl abadone this man, relationship is not about pity
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 1:47pm On May 23, 2011
@Mrs kadry and webcam
thank you for your advice. . .
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by Nobody: 2:07pm On May 23, 2011
No worries sugar kiss kiss kiss

You know it is not right, your conscience is telling you that you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life , if not you wouldn't have posted here.

Look around the family section, married women complaining of abusive husbands, some of these men hid their bad sides from the women, some of these women cannot leave the marriage because they have got kids. You actually have the chance/opportunity to say no to that dude that has made you lose your self esteem and PEACE, so don't waste it.


Him been nice occasionally is nothing compared to how terrible he can be. You are practically afraid of this dude. He should be your best friend, someone you confide in. You wouldn't be confiding in an outsider if your fiance was doing things right.

Marriage is all about marrying your best friend. I used to be(still am) hot tempered but my husband talked me out of it. No spouse or partner should dwell on one's ''wrong side'' for too long or use their ''mistakes'' against them. You see my hubby told me years back when I was having the anger issues, to always count till 10 and if I feel I am still boiling mad he told me to walk away from him. He said . . . . . . ''walking away is way better than you unleashing your tongue on me because I bet you, you will say things in anger that you can never take back no matter how hard you try, the power to destroy a person is in the tongue''. . . . . those were his words. I used to just walk out then if I am not happy with him but one day I noticed something, I was always walking out in the middle of a convo , thereby making his words FINAL i.e We had to go with what he said because I was too angry to argue my points in a respectful manner.When I realized he was always having the last laugh , I stopped walking out. The day I decided not to walk out he looked at me for a few mins and bursted out in laughter saying. . . . ''I knew this was going to make you come around, you are stubborn and don't give up easily, so you walking away I knew at some point was going to make you realize that you are given up on things too easily''  . That was the day I actually had a decent convo with him , yea he argued and tried to hit a nerve but I suppressed my anger , laid my points on the table and he accepted it.

You deserve better.He should support you when you are weak. Do not allow any man use your past life to destroy your present and future. kiss kiss

You sound like someone that's got a good heart, sweet one at that. I don't know you, But I love you already
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by nat138: 2:43pm On May 23, 2011
LaShawn:

I started dating my fiance while I was still hurting from my ex's abandonment. I wasnt over my feelings for my ex and one day (about 2 months into the relationship), me and my fiance were playing when I mistakenly called him by my ex's name. I wanted to explain, but he wouldn't let me. Months later, he accusd me of cheating on him and called my ex's name as the culprit.
Then, on another day, I was depressed (I EVEN WEPT COS I WAS SO BOTHERED) and wanted clarification on some decisions I was about to make. I called up my fiance, but he told me that I was speaking rudely to him and dropped the phone on me. I called my closest female friend but she was unavailable. I then called up another friend, a guy who took time to explain and encouraged me. My fiance then called me to know who I was talking to, but I lied that it was my female friend. He had already tried her number and so he knew I was lieing.
Now when we're argueing, he calls me a liar. He has also told me that I'm a pretender. He shouts at me to 'get out'. I told him one time to get a girl he trusts, but he told me I was very, very silly for saying that. Also, he told me I was mannerless because I wasnt fast enough in switching off the noisy fan, when he was calling xtra cool and complained of background noise. He has insulted me in ways no one has ever done.
He told me that the issue with girls like me is that when they see a serious man, they misuse the opportunity and that they later end up with rif-rafs.
I believe in abstinence, but he forcefully threw me on the bed, bruised my arms and used his knees to crush my laps many times, threatening to immobilize me if I don't allow him, though I escaped but my body ached for hours. He later apologisd that I'm the only one he has, and he cannot jump on anybody else, except me. He monitors me and my calls. He doesn't think I know, but he sent an anonymous friend to call me on phone and to add me on facebook. His friend then left an insultive comment on my facebook picture.
Whenever I want to leave, he cries and apologises; even involving his parents in begging me. What has stopped me is that he can be very loving, when he is not in a bad mood. He can be very caring and romantic.
D latest is that he referred to me as a slut to someone who knows me. Dis person told me and queried how a girl like me, ended up with such a guy. I feel like I'm going crazy. . .and nobody believes me because they have never seen his mean side. They just believe that I am trying to pick out faults and tell me, no man is perfect. That he is okay. . . .

[b]Hi Poster,

I don't know how or why you ended up with this rif-raff in the first place.
He has some very strong bad points that you should clear of and they are warning signs that you shouldn't ignore.
First he tries to rape you, with the silly excuse that he doesn't have anyone else, didn't you guys discuss this before the relationship became serious?? A woman has a right to her body and is only a riff-raff that will try to force himself on a woman, how much more one he calls his fiancée.

Another key thing missing in your relationship is TRUST, your fiance doesn't have an iota of trust for you, hence his setting up strange people to call you and add you on facebook in order to monitor you activities, I mean who does that even? Is just so low class

And lastly he has no bit of respect for you, it is better to have a broken relationship than a mirage of a marriage that will end in a year down the line. As I said before, these signs are clear signs that shouldn't be ignored. He even feels he is doing you a favour by saying he is a good man, imagine!! The earlier you make up your mind, the better for you. Don't let him use his family to try to blackmail you in the name of begging, that is another low for me though.

NB: In this age and time, who still does extracool (free mid night calls) with a supposed fiancee?, abeg jor. kai![/b]

1 Like

Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 3:01pm On May 23, 2011
@Mrs Kadry
Thank you. I wasn't expectin kindness from here. Thank u again.
U are right, my conscience is really beating me about this. The day he said he wantd to hasten our marriage proceedings, my heart startd pounding.
It is not easy being a woman. So many people tell you that the future of a relationship is in your hands as a woman. I have tried to keep mine, to no effect.
I have been told to ask my mother how she started with my dad, that it wasn't always happy ever after. People think it is so cute that he calls me so much and they tell me I shud worry only when he starts ignoring me. But most times,he calls to keep tabs on my movement and to make sure I am in. His mother says he doesnt have any problems, that he only likes food. If only that was the case. . . .
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 3:15pm On May 23, 2011
@Nat138
It wasn't always like this. At the beginning, we were very ok. He said the right things and acted the right way. He would send me texts of how much he loved and respected me. Back then, he had nothing to his name but I stayed with him because he was so nice. My ex wantd me back and other guys were asking me out. But I declined because I loved him and I couldn't bear to hurt him. The change came gradually, from the time he knew for sure that he was getting a good job.
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by nat138: 3:43pm On May 23, 2011
LaShawn:

@Nat138
It wasn't always like this. At the beginning, we were very ok. He said the right things and acted the right way. He would send me texts of how much he loved and respected me. Back then, he had nothing to his name but I stayed with him because he was so nice. My ex wantd me back and other guys were asking me out. But I declined because I loved him and I couldn't bear to hurt him. The change came gradually, from the time he knew for sure that he was getting a good job.

You know what, that the bolded part actually worries me. So all was well till the money came or the anticipation for money came?
Well my sister, you know what is best for you and what you hope your marriage to be like, but one thing you must have at the back of your mind is that never go into a marriage hoping to change the other person, it never works.

By the way if you don't mind my asking, what age range do you fall within??

Cheers
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 4:00pm On May 23, 2011
^^
Maybe i shud correct myself. It was more pronounced after the job. But the signs were there a few months into the relationship. Am in my 20's. . .but I look way smaller.
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by baroong: 5:17pm On May 23, 2011
LaShawn:

^^
Maybe i shud correct myself. It was more pronounced after the job. But the signs were there a few months into the relationship. Am in my 20's. . .but I look way smaller.


Pls walk away. The best is yet come.

1 Like

Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by dayokanu(m): 5:50pm On May 23, 2011
Ok. With all these you wrote, Can you tell what are the good points of this guy cos I just cant get it
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 6:07pm On May 23, 2011
@baroong
Thank you. I wish I felt as hopeful.
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 6:25pm On May 23, 2011
@dayokanu
If I said I loved him, I know that would sound cliche. I don't hate his bad side but I am crazy in love with the good side. I keep hoping things would get better and go back to the way they used to be. He is always so apologetic after the insults.
After the last arguement (over the slut issue which he denied), he has promised to change. I guess I'm also embarassed at having to end another relationship, when my younger cousins and siblings have maintained one person for years. I so feel like a failure. Girls are juggling 3 men. I cant even maintain 1 that would treat me right. Of all the women in the world, trust ME to be the one who ends up in this situation. *Sigh*
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by ifyalways(f): 6:41pm On May 23, 2011
^You did not answer Dayo's question yet!What possibly could be good in the man u painted above?Gifts,good sex,constant apology after every abuse,he's goodlooking,he's a fire brand child of God or what

Are u even sure what u feel for him is love or u are holding unto him cos of ur insecurity ieU think u can't attract a better man(the picture ur last post is painting)?Do u even love urself?You sound as If u have resigned urself to ur fate. . .
You are young and have ur whole life ahead of you,if he treats u like trash pls take a walk,u wud surely get a better man that u deserve.

1 Like

Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by dayokanu(m): 6:46pm On May 23, 2011
Well said Ori eja, ,

A guy that is painted as above, I am struggling to see what positive can be in him except for the fact that he has a good job. or you are scared of what ppl would say if you break up with him or call him to order,

amu-lover, When your womenfolks would come here to blame men for all the sins of the world and I speak they would pounce on me,
this is another person that sees red hot fire and she still wan enter and If dayokanu talks now they say he is chauvinistic
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by armyofone(m): 7:12pm On May 23, 2011
smh
arent you a chuvy undecided before tongue
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by dayokanu(m): 7:38pm On May 23, 2011
armyofone:

smh
arent you a chuvy undecided before tongue

Naaah

I just have a might a55 erection whenever I think about you
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 7:48pm On May 23, 2011
@dayo
Yep, you can descend on me, i promise not to say you have startd again.
The truth is; I never thought I would find myself in dis situation. When we startd, I wasnt looking to be abused.
Is it even about gifts? This year, I have gotten zero gifts. Is it about money? When we were not talking/fighting, he forcefully sent some money in my account. When he saw my mind was made up to leave him, he abusively asked for his money back and I sent it. That makes it zero money/gifts this year. After then, his folks called me and told me that I shouldnt be making him sad. That he loves me.
I cant think of anything I love about him right now. I dont want to be single when everyone seems to be a couple. Not having anyone who calls to say HELLO. When u're single, men don't want you to asociate with dia wives. Friends dont invite u ova, because they feel their man isnt safe. People view you with pity; as in, they feel sorry for you. Its the truth! I'm frm the north and its not easy when even neighbours jokingly tell you that they will 'dash' you out if you dont bring a man home soon.
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by dayokanu(m): 8:02pm On May 23, 2011
Unless you are exxagerating i dont see any future in this
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by ifyalways(f): 8:12pm On May 23, 2011
^Conclusively,you have decided to let others run ur life,ur enviroment and culture to dictate ur future?Weldone and welcome to the abused women association(AWA).Fasten ur seatblet and enjoy the ride!

2011 and u are letting societal norms influence ur decision?When u marry this guy and end up abused and crying all night,wud the society be there to help you.So u are afraid of taking charge of your "OWN" life?and u expect the man to take u serious or treat u any better?

The boys mom said this and that,Puleasee ooh.So u are hanging on cos the mom assured u he loves u bla bla?When he panel beat or frustrate u to ur grave,the mom wud say the same thing to the next girl.

Babe,pls place a tag on ur head and don't swallow any BS from any unrepentant and pathetic bulldog cos u don't want to be alone.

Go out and have fun,open up ur heart,join a singles club or something,u wud meet new and better people. . .Need guys 2 keep ur phone busy?,go to the dating section and drop ur number(Dayo,born2fuck etc wud call 4 sure)
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 8:34pm On May 23, 2011
@madam ify@ mr dayo
Thank you, I hear you!
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by dayokanu(m): 8:37pm On May 23, 2011
Are you working or you are in school?
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by LaShawn: 9:09pm On May 23, 2011
In school. . .
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by dayokanu(m): 10:06pm On May 23, 2011
I'm sure there are several guys in your school and around you that you can hang with, I dont mean date them o

Just take your mind off this guy first

And regarding what ppl wld say, If this guy kills or maims you at hme when you are married what would people say?
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by Bawss1(m): 10:53pm On May 23, 2011
You know what they say, when you are single all you see are married people. When you are married all you see are single people.

@ OP
I think you better do as Ify advised; don't let society control you here. It may seem hard but with a firm decision to enjoy and rediscover yourself you'll not regret it. The man you have described so far seems insecure, why would you settle for less especially in this very important area of happiness and wellbeing?
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by nat138: 11:17pm On May 23, 2011
@LaShawn, I will beg that you do not resign to fate, I know what it feels like when you look around you and everyone is either married or in serious relationships that are heading somewhere, and it just seems as if your own case is different. But let me telll you, patience is the key factor. And from your posts, it looks like your mind is already made up about him, because you feel you can't get anyone better off.

What sort of guy even asks a girl for his money back simply because they quarrelled?
Those are signs of a low lifer jor.

With all the advises given to you here, the choice is yours to make whether to stay or bounce.

If you choose to stay then all the best and really fast and pray that he changes.

And if I may ask, why is his family so involved in your relationship sef? you guys are not even married and there is this much involvement of his mother said bla bla blah, what will happen when you finally settle down??


Cheers
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by OAM4J: 11:48pm On May 23, 2011
LaShawn:

@dayo
Yep, you can descend on me, i promise not to say you have startd again.
The truth is; I never thought I would find myself in dis situation. When we startd, I wasnt looking to be abused.
Is it even about gifts? This year, I have gotten zero gifts. Is it about money? When we were not talking/fighting, he forcefully sent some money in my account. When he saw my mind was made up to leave him, he abusively asked for his money back and I sent it. That makes it zero money/gifts this year. After then, his mum called me and told me that I shouldnt be making him sad. That he loves me.
I cant think of anything I love about him right now. I dont want to be single when everyone seems to be a couple. Not having anyone who calls to say HELLO. When u're single, men don't want you to asociate with dia wives. Friends dont invite u ova, because they feel their man isnt safe. People view you with pity; as in, they feel sorry for you. Its the truth! I'm frm the north and its not easy when even neighbours jokingly tell you that they will 'dash' you out if you dont bring a man home soon.


OP.

Please love yourself and appreciate yourself 1st. You deserve better than a guy that asked you to refund the gift he gave you because you called a relationship off.

Dont be too desperate. Dont run with other people's agenda and it is not about who got married 1st or last, it is about who got married to the right partner.

It is better you are considered a failure now and a success later. Please dumb the sorry a$$ of that guy asap. you deserve better.
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by Nekai(f): 12:09am On May 24, 2011
(If the name calling incident was the first time you noticed this side of him, it could just be a trust issue, but if he doesn't trust you he should leave before mistreating u.)

He's not the only guy in the world. Find someone who will treat u with kindness and respect.

If u don't want to be alone, stay with this guy.

But I would suggest that you keep your eyes and ears open at the same time and make friends with other guys that come to you. Until the wedding day you still have the option of finding someone else that you want to be with.
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by chamber2(m): 12:55am On May 24, 2011
It wasn't always like this. At the beginning, we were very ok. He said the right things and acted the right way. He would send me texts of how much he loved and respected me. Back then, he had nothing to his name but I stayed with him because he was so nice. My ex wantd me back and other guys were asking me out. But I declined because I loved him and I couldn't bear to hurt him. The change came gradually, from the time he knew for sure that he was getting a good job.

Hey, i dont think u should leave this guy.Just let him know ur concerns.He is only being unsecured about the affair and therefore needs you to reassure him of your love and commitments.Just work on it,it's not a big deal.
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by 1honeybee: 4:51am On May 24, 2011
chamber2:

Hey, i dont think u should leave this guy.Just let him know your concerns.He is only being unsecured about the affair and therefore needs you to reassure him of your love and commitments.Just work on it,it's not a big deal.


^^^^^^Really? So, until she can establish that reassurance she should take the abuse (which may even go up a notch or 2)?
Re: Is This What Happens In Serious Relationships? by Nobody: 5:03am On May 24, 2011
You gave him the money back? infact you are too soft. Someone sent me money and expects me to give him back b'cos we quarelled? not a chance in hell.

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