I have always been trying to find acceptance from my mother for years but never been able to obtain it. I have worked for years (since I was 15 and now 44) but she has only worked for the last 15 years and retired to take care of my grandmother. I have been an insulin dependant diabetic for 20 years and have degenerative disc disease for 10 with 3 surgeries and she still can not say a sentence without "I" in it.

My husband and I have made a lot of sacrifices over the years for our children and given up not having vacations, not having money to do things for ourselves but always for them. I can still remember when my mom gave us a $25.00 lamp for our wedding gift but then took a two week vacation to Florida right after for themselves. I have always worked and always will through all of this because I want to give to my children; when I tell my mom this she says "well you have to do what you have to do" but has not seen her grandchilden in 3 years.

She called me tonight to complain again but has not called me in two months (I am always the one to call even though we both have cells phones) and I was in pain and could just not deal with it. I just went upstairs and cried in my husbands arms for what seemed like hours and he just sad it would be alright. Why do I even care if I never will gain exceptance from her?

Here are some thoughts:
- Your husband seems to love you. Wow!
- Never let your happiness depend on the cooperation of someone else in particular.

<<snip>>

Your husband is doing a really good job coping with all these. That's a good thing.

My opinion (u dont neccessarily have to take it) :
WHy not just stop worrying your brain abt you mom? I won't say forget abt her, but have you thought of keeping it on the down-low. As in, stop doing all those things you feel as if you HAVE TO DO. Yes it's good to take care of your parents, but if they are too demanding, you just have to find a way of cutting out the crap.

Talk to your mama, since you didn't say it anywhere in your post that you've already talked to her abt how you feel. So just talk to her, tell her you now have a family and you are no longer 15, you can't spend all your money on her, and you also need her to show you that she appreciates everything you are doing for her. Talk to her, and just say what you heart wants to say.

A mother that hasnt seen her grand-kids for 3 years, is deffinitely not worthy of no form of vacation anywhere. Exspecially when you have to pay for the trip.

Dear Wiffy328,
I have read your piece and wish to share this Inspirational lessons from Silent Unity with you and hope it helps.
I shall keep in touch with you , if you permit in these times of worry.

Love Casts Out Fear

I believe fear is conquered through love. “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 Jn. 4:18). We cannot fear that which we love.

http://www.silentunity.org/inspiration/inspiration.htm

With a suppportive husband, I think you should concentrate on your immediate family and make yourself as comfortable as you all can. Next time your mum calls, tell her to come visit and talk,then drop the phone and never respond to her calls till she comes to see you and your family. As for paying for her ludicrous demands, you can't give her,what you don't have,and she does not deserve any sacrifices from your part. You can't buy her love,so don't try to think you can win her by giving in to her demands.She appears quite selfish and self centered! Think of yourself,your husband and kids-those are the ones that deserve your love and attention.

I have a mother that left me at 3,and has continued to reject all my attempts to develop a relationship with her. Now,I just send money to her via her brother-because I know she is in need,even if she is too stupid to know what to do! Am not interested in her love, I just pity her,because she will suffer less,if she were more loving or caring. I have been married 8years,have 2kids(one named after her),but she has never seen them,and I don't know even if cares. One thing I know, I don't care whether she cares or loves or not. I don't hate her,I have forgiven all the hurt(hence my giving my daughter her name),I will send her money when I can afford to. That is all I owe her. If she ever surprises me,by visiting-I will welcome her with open arms.But I am not going to crawl to her,no way.

Lady, please live your own live and stop making yourself and your family sad over this issue. Sorry that is how I feel.

hey wiffy i think your mom is just plain selfish and am sure she can't help it. you just have to accept her for who she is and stop worrying yourself silly about her, she ain't worth it. Don't give in to her tantrums except if you feel it's really really important. smile when she says something nasty to you, this will throw her off beat cos am sure she enjoys seeing you squim. And remember dear, you've got your own life to live. she's living hers so live yours. i know your hussy only wants to make you happy but you have to stop taking your mom's problems to him or else he might resent her(mom) for making your life miserable. think about it. just be rest assured that she'll come around one day.

I registered in this forum today just to post a similar issue when I saw your post and decided to read it first. Now, I dont know if I am in a position to offer advice on this because i am in a similar mess. If its not against the rules, I beg to join my post with yours so that it can be treated concurrently.

I am 30 yrs old going to 31 and graduated 6 yrs ago from the University as an Engineer. My university education wasn't rosy. Not because I dont have people who can take care of my Education but I dont have people who are willing. My mom wanted me to learn a trade after my secondary school but I defied her and insisted on going to University. Incidentally she and my eldest Brother are the only ones that are more financially capable in the family and both does not want to be bothered with the financial implications of going to school. My mom told me categorically that my going to school will not be beneficial to her since she will already be dead by the time I graduate (She's still alive anyway, 6 yrs after graduation). I managed to do my first yr by borrowing from friends and doing some holiday jobs but it was still not easy to cope. Well, help finally came in my second yr when one of my lecturers took an interest in me and wanted me to work for him without payment in exchange for learning computer hard/software installations. I agreed and after some months was able to make my own money by supplying new computers and fixing old ones for homes and office and that was how I made money that finally saw me through university.

To summarise the whole story, immediately after graduation, I was subjected under serious demands from my mom even when am still doing my NYSC and afterwards when I have no job. Anytime she calls me, my heart skips because her demands which is usually monetary is so difficult for me to meet. What worries me is that she never calls and ask me how am doing or enquire about my welfare. Even when she hears of one misfortune that befell me she wont even ask or mention it in our conversation. She's only keen on what she can get from me. I was involved in a car accident last December that made me not to go home for Xmas and she was aware but she only called to ask for money. She didn't ask what happened or about my car uptill now. It was only my fiancee who was with me through out that period in the hospital. About the same time two years ago, I was also hospitalized and could not get anybody to help me in the hospital. I called my fiancee and my mom. my mom did not come till after one week when my fiancee needed to go and my mom only came, attacked my fiancee, rained abuses on her and left after staying only two days. She met her for the first time and the question was "are you the person eating my son's money?". My fiancee was forced to stay behind because we taught my mom will atleast stay for a week for me to recover. My mom's words before she left was she taught after going to school I will find my way and get to America and make money like one of my ralations who is building a mansion for the mother in town. She reminded me that the boy is my age and also read the same course I read in school.

Now coming to the money she asked for recently; She wanted me to give her money to move to a new apartment( She stays alone) in town. She said she needed over N200,000 for the rent. I told her I dont have that much but that i will give her N50,000 for now pending the time i discuss with my other brothers to see how much they can contribute but she flatly rejected my offer and threatened that if i dont want to help her she will park her load to the village and die there and that i should not even think of coming to her funeral. I am confused. very confused. I dont know what to do. Please, is there something am doing wrong? I NEED HELP. I need your candid advice please. Why me? I am suppossed to be her beloved son being the youngest in the family but the opposite is the case. My other brothers themselves often wonder why she press me so much. What do I do? I want to get married soon but my fiancee is so afraid of my mother that mere mention of her sends shivers down her spines. My fiancee knows that I dont have N200,000 to give my mom but she's telling me if there's any possibility for me to borrow the money and send to her. HEY! Is this how am going to live my life. As if am being blackmailed. I've told you all. I NEED HELP O. Thank you.

These are very sad stories. The saddest part is the grief that you must feel for never really experiencing a nurturing loving mom.

All you can do is:

1. Forgive the mom for being an incompetent mother.
2. Never forget she will always betray the natural role of a mom
3. Take good care of your health so that you can be able to take care of your husband and children. (You certainly cannot depend on her for
any help)
4. Don't depend on her for anything at all. So you will not experience the pain of betrayal.
5. Do your best to break the cycle of abuse by loving and supporting your own children.
6. You did nothing to deserve this abuse and there is nothing you can do to change her.
7. Keep in mind only God can change people.

Great advice Abuguy64 and thelma2!

theirs is great, wht is urs?

i can ask maself da same question cant i?
anyway i thk u shd try n 4get aba ur mom 4 now n relax in da comfort of ur husbee

Wiseguy,
You have some great advice here. I hope it will help you to be strong and stand up to your mom ( in a polite & respectful way).
Don't let your mom emotionally blackmail you. As you can see all that stress is not helping your health.

Also make sure you marry someone from a very nice, loving and supportive family so that you don't end up with two sets of TERRORIST for parents.


Just because someone is physically able to have children doesn't automatically qualify them to be good parents. Don't second guess yourself. Parents can be bad people too. See them for who they are. Not what you want them to be. Remember you can't change them or change yourself to please them.

eh! charlie gal, i see u wnt show me u get some advice 4 dere

Hey wiseguy!What do you want from your mum?!You dont need anything from her,niether does she deserve anything from you.Imagine her nerves. She will go to the village and die!Is that a threat?!Keep the 50K,so you can send some for her burial. The only person you owe anything is the teacher that helped you and the fiancee that has stood by you. Please man,what are you afraid of. Why allow your mum to make life miserable for you and your future wife. I wont say anymore! My feelings are quite obvious. Make a life for yourself,and tell your mum to her face to shove off.You dont owe her anything!
Jclord, thanks a million.
The Bible says "the man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife and the two shall become one". What other encouragement do we need about where our heart,souls and money should lie!

it is wrong for people under whatever guise to try and manipulate others. that someone is your mother or father does not give them the alienable right to harrass you. what the bible asks is that you honour them not to your detriment. i really feel for you wiseguy and wiffy, but i think you should first of all talk to your mothers about how they make you feel. secondly amke ti very very very clear to them that yuou would not be able to help them beyond your capabilities. it is absurd for you to want to get into debt simply to fund your mother's needs, if she loved you she would never want that to happen to you.

my husband had the same situation like both of you, even worse maybe, i still remember when he took me to his dad to introduce me as the "one". his dad said lailai, and he told the dad pointblank that he didnt come to ask for his permission, he just came to show me to him, as he had no right to determine his life since he neglected him, but that as a son he was just trying to do the proper thing. and taht was that. we have been very happily married since then.

as for his mother, he let her know how much he would be sending to her monthly and he has not changed his mind since then, i have been the one even trying to ensure thathe sends it regularly, because many times he feels very angry to send her money because according to him, she has no claim to his money or his person.

motherhood or fatherhood oges way beyond birthing a child, it is being responsible for your offspring. do not fall into the trap of sentimentalism and do yourself, your children, your wamily and your future harm by bending to the whims and caprices of manipulations.

lastly pray for them that God will change their hearts and make them appreciate your love for them.