The holy bible in Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time for everything. There is that time for sexual activity if you desire to get married and raise a family. What if that desire feels like a mirage because you can't get past sexual anxiety as a result of your childhood sexual abuse? Wouldn't you make an effort to see that your desire is a reality?.

Whatever anxiety, fear you feel is not unusual. What you shouldn't allow to happen though is that you let it truncate your beautiful dream.
Truth be told, sex in marriage is a big deal. And there will be lots of it for as long as you'd love to stay married and fair to your spouse. What is a bigger deal is that you look forward to it as love making and not some responsibility you dread.

Before I made the decision to be celibate, the few times I had sex, one thing was undeniable.
Anxiety.
There was never a single time I was genuinely restful and emotionally present during sex.
As a matter of fact, the first time I had sex as an adult, I was in a really bad place... I was battling so much with me at the time.
Apparently, it felt like a conspiracy then that every program I attended, purity and virginity had to be the focus. My dad on the other hand wouldn't stop to blame me for for my childhood molestation.
You know, thinking about it now how he'd always say I seduced my abuser way before I turned 10years old, still baffles me.

So, here I was caught in a maze!
Waking up to a dad who called me a prostitute at the slightest provocation, going off to church programs where everyone except me was pure, and for the love of God I still do not remember the first time I was sexually molested!
The first time after a two year relationship, I hoped that prolly for a miracle maybe my hymen wasn't broken yet and I can have "my first time" story of blood.

You know, as a warrior of whatever childhood trauma you may have had, to successfully go through healing and have a better adulthood, there is that point you've got to face realities.
This time around, you CANNOT allow anxiety to get in the way of your happiness.

ANXIETY TRIGGERS

For someone who was sexually molested at childhood, there are triggers you should pay attention to walk through sexual anxiety.

1. Lingering Childhood Sexual Trauma: for as long as you have the wrong picture about sex as a result of your childhood trauma, you may find it difficult to enjoy sex. The first thing i'd suggest is to consciously unlearn the thoughts you have. Listen to music, read books and watch movies that potrays sex respectfully and mutually. As much as you can stay away from news that would remind you of your past while you are trying to heal. One thing helping me daily is that I am very particular of the pictures I allow into my mind.
You have got to be super protective of your mind to make a headway with this.

2. The Partner Involved: One thing I know for sure, a partner who is aware of your sexual trauma and genuinely cares would go the extra mile to make you feel comfortable. While you are intentional about a partner who would walk this path with you, you have got to try as much as possible to be open minded. Suggest to them ways you feel would keep you at ease.
You want longer pre-intimacy, say it!
You want lubricant, say it!
While you are healing is not when you may want to be with some Adolf hitler who's got no joy! Or a selfish being who wants to make a porn star out of you from the word go! Please take time to find you a safe place.

3. The Environment: I am big on the environment sex should happen. If you are dealing with the mental picture of feeling like an object during sex, the least you would want to happen is have sex randomly in some corner trying so hard not to be caught!
Geez, there's no way you are getting rid of sexual anxiety like that! NO WAY!
Picture this, imagine a properly scented room with some Mariah Carey, Brandy or Backstreet music.
And there's this really really nice bed with sheets calling for your back!
Lawd, tell me where anxiety will be after you've had some chocolate and milk with some sweet smelling guy telling you "Babe, it's okay if you are not ready, I'll wait" Damn!
"Sistur", if you can find you a partner who gets it and can be intentional about the environment with you respectfully? You would be singing good hymns in no time!

4. Your Moral/ Religious Perspective: From a personal experience, the reason for anxiety sometimes is because it doesn't sit well with you morally or religiously. One of the things that informed my decision to be celibate is the growing relationship I have with God. For the times I had sex, I'd always feel guilty. This may not be you but it could be a factor. If you are someone who values religious uprightness, and want to do well to keep the bed undefiled till marriage, please do. Be sure though that this could be the reason for your sexual anxiety as an adult.

WHAT YOU COULD DO TO DEAL WITH SEXUAL ANXIETY

1. Accept Responsibility: Playing the victims card will only keep you stagnated away from the beautiful life of love making and marital fulfilment.
You've got to accept responsibility and do the needful towards your healing process.

2. Be Ready To Learn And Learn: as akward as it may seem sometimes, you have to take conscious step towards learning about sex. Learn and pay attention to your body. How do you genuinely feel and want to be touched when you are Hot?
You have got to change the picture you have about sex. Read for knowledge and self growth. Learn about Libido and sex styles that would help you relax until you are ready to have sex

3. Be Open And Honest: One of the things youve got to be intentional about is finding a partner you can be honest with about your struggles. A friend who wouldn't judge you or make you feel less. Someone who would be patient and be ready to walk through your journey. You should never beg to be valued!
You are a fighter and a warrior! Except you are ready to have your story public like me, make sure you have ascertained the level of friendship and maturity of a potential partner before you open up about your sexual anxieties.
Protect you and look out for you!

4. Seek Professional Help: When you have consciously tried to deal with sexual anxieties and it's prolly taking too long for you to deal with, please seek professional help. Sometimes, just talking to someone helps a great deal. I'll recommend my TALK THERAPY for a start.
There's a link in the description you should check out.

5. Wait For The Right Time: When something is right, it will always feel right! You know, rather than trying to figure everything out at once. Make room to build yourself productively and responsibly until you know you are ready to commit to a serious relationship or marriage.
Quit trying to seek validation sexually from one partner to the other.

6. Pray: Prayer for me is not all about closing your eyes, kneeling to mutter words to God at a particular time of the day. Prayer is way deeper and more spiritual than that.
Prayer for me is yearning deeply for something that even while you are at sleep, the universe can hear your yearns loud and clear.

Few years ago I had this dream that is still very vivid in my mind. I woke up from that dream crying with physical tears. It was a dream I had about a family friend who is very happy in her marriage. There were having an amazing family time that I told God not to allow me miss it in marriage. I do not want my kids to grow up in the kind of home I did.

Write the things you want to happen about your sexual life on sticky notes where you can see them! Affirm to yourself daily that your past is your past and you will have an amazing sexual life with your spouse.
Your relationship with your spouse will not be sour because of sexual anxieties!
Your dream of an amazing family will be a reality because you are a WARRIOR!
This is just another warfare that you will win the medal!

My name is OCHANYA D'MPREZ and this is KIDS UNSAID!

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