Datboredberry:
50pseamer...

The fault lies with her...I don't know what the men above are commenting on though... A man helping out in HIS home makes him weak or less African?

Primitive human beings...

Op... Your wife is a religious fanatic... Her claiming that your mom is a witch...the woman who gave birth to you, raised you up, and made you into the man she married... That's a no go area...

I can't tolerate that sh**...

She's being difficult delibrately... Manipulating you into severing your relationship with your mother whom she doesn't like...

Send her away!!! For a couple months... I don't know how you remain with someone who had the confidence to insult your own mom...

Better let her know who you're loyal to... Stop allowing her to play with your mind...

If you keep trying to please her, she wins...

I know a man... He brought his mom from her home to live with him... He traveled and his wife started to harass the poor old woman... When he got back, he sent his wife and his kids to the village... Less than a year, she learnt respect and humility...(not really but the suffering got to her)...

Be tough...

Listen to her side before drawing conclusions

Start to remove her winngs but she kills you or frustrate hell out of you.

Nigerian women are not wives when they re taken to foreign country.

Beware


Start now to plan your life. If possible use style send her home. Never her to return back to your base.

Aguogba:

You're very smart and your comment shows that.
This long story OP wrote did not tell us up to 50% of the major issues in their marriage. E.g, who sponsored each other's stay abroad (who has "papers". Weak sex life, has your wife ever complained of anything or did you notice something?Are your kids homeschooled or attend daycare?, etc.

She came here on her own on a temporary visa, but I met and married her and she is now on my papers waiting to become a citizen.
Our child attends Kindergarten, she has not complained really of anything regarding Sex , I do most of the work and I ensure she is satisfied.

It get as it be o

50pseamer:


She came here on her own on a temporary visa, but I met and married her and she is now on my papers waiting to become a citizen.
Our child attends Kindergarten, she has not complained really of anything regarding Sex , I do most of the work and I ensure she is satisfied.

1. Your spouse that you sponsored is behaving this way, I can only imagine if it was the other way round. e.g issuing kitchen automatum against your mother? that's kind of rude.

2. If your child attends Kindergarten and you are working a lot to support the home, it is very logical that you come home and meet very "minimal chores". In fact, if she works less than you do and she is considerate, her target should be to compensate by doing most of the house chores while you help out whenever you can.

3. The paucity of intimacy is what you guys can figure out.

4. While it seems almost all the blames tilt towards her, make sure you find out what her immediate and long term goals are and how you can help her achieve them. That will give her the mental security that most spouses lack which can in turn chronically ruin their happiness. For instance, her immediate goal could be that she wants to study to become an RN but yours is to make babies, and more babies. If your goal of having kids continuously clash with hers (study), it becomes bittersweet for her. So, ensure that family and individual progress is balanced.

5. Good luck.

I'm shocked that he said 'even if his mum is a witch'

Dr. Jordan Peterson would be helpful here:

“A weak man cannot be virtuous. If you’re harmless you’re not virtuous, you’re just harmless, you’re like a rabbit; a rabbit isn’t virtuous, it just can’t do anything except get eaten! That’s not virtuous. If you’re a monster, and you don’t act monstrously, then you’re virtuous.”

50pseamer:


Thanks so much for your mature advice, she does not really believe in the leadership of a man,at least from what I see. There was a time I asked her not to take my child to school and she told me she will take him to school , and she did ignoring my request, I have asked her if she wants to go, so that we can separate amicably, she should not worry about her documents, I will still help since she has a child for me. I am not sure if I ask her to stop going to her church that she will comply, but I will tell her my decision, being that we live in a white man's country, I have tried to be a bit soft. She is not telling me she wants to go, I am thinking she wants me to pull the divorce trigger, that's why she is not saying anything, if I ask her if she loves me, the answer comes with alot of delay too. It's unfortunate, I guess I made a big mistake

Your last sentence says it all.

You know deep down inside you that you made a mistake.

She only used you for her own objectives (probably to have a child in wedlock and also get German citizenship).

Sometimes it be like that.

I would strongly advise you to initiate divorce and move on with what's left of your life. Don't try to force what isn't there.

Now to the root cause of the situation. I think that you most likely didn't date much in years leading up to marriage. You probably didn't do a lot of dating and didn't bother to understand the psychology of women and how manipulative they can be...

I dare say you met her and got married within a year cos you were carried away with what you saw in her (not knowing she was leading you on to get her own heart's desires).

She clearly doesn't feel anything for you bro... Just focus on your kid and let her move on with her life.

I understand how painful unrequited love can be but it's best to cut your losses and move on.

Wishing you the best going forward.

50pseamer:


Thanks so much for your mature advice, she does not really believe in the leadership of a man,at least from what I see. There was a time I asked her not to take my child to school and she told me she will take him to school , and she did ignoring my request, I have asked her if she wants to go, so that we can separate amicably, she should not worry about her documents, I will still help since she has a child for me. I am not sure if I ask her to stop going to her church that she will comply, but I will tell her my decision, being that we live in a white man's country, I have tried to be a bit soft. She is not telling me she wants to go, I am thinking she wants me to pull the divorce trigger, that's why she is not saying anything, if I ask her if she loves me, the answer comes with alot of delay too. It's unfortunate, I guess I made a big mistake

I am still on page 2_of this thread and have been on this since yesterday as it piques my interest.
I am equally married for 6yrs with two kids (2yrs and the other few days old); based in Nigeria but hoping I could relocate abroad like u.
However, I have never had an a need to mark my anniversary bc it has been series of similar issues as yours. This has caused me to drag my foot on processing any traveling stuff. But sometimes I think of giving my kids that privilege while becoming the sacrificial lamb, bc I know my spouse will rubbish me abroad considering that she is a RN
If she could rubbish me here in Naija as well as my parents (front, right and center). I mean anything u can reckone with, I wonder y she would not do it abroad.
At present, I foot virtually every expense while she works and I do not seek to know how she spends her money but believed she Is thrift. But the shocker was having to purchase a piece of land without my knowledge but with the knowledge of her Step mother.
Guy man, if I take this one abroad and she earns in dollar, what will be my situation.
As i read ur story, it tells me that u and I are the NICE guys that ladies desire to have but can not keep.
How to b a bad guy becomes a proplem at this our age ( I am over 40 and wife is over 30).
Less I forget, the latter Is why I paused to reply. How old is ur wife and did u marry her abroad or u took her there?
BC it seems she feels she is very young and presented with lots of opportunities abroad. Hence, I agree with ur conclusion: she is waiting for u to pull the divorce string or hit her.
Use ur head. Stay connected with ur siblings, report less to her mother. But ur challenge and my challenge and the challenge of ur mother (whether she is aware if it or not) is: making ur mother have the Joy of Motherhood and the abroad experience which is highly and overwhelming enjoyed by ur wife without with felt gratitude. A thing that makes a husband live longer.
I c u Existing just for the kids. But others have adviced on how to live for the kids. I have taken note of does advices too
Ur wife called ur mum a witch; mine said she sees,reason why women wish there mother in-law death.
Who never marry no go understand this ordeal.
Our only limitations is Living as a Christian. Else, what's the benefit of working to save the marriage. Meanwhile, marriage is not alife; neither is the husband nor the wife.
Hmmmm. We are just existing for the kids. Let's find joy
Make itself happy
Expect the worse each day, this will care less
Go to the gym
Watch football out of doors
Take to the advice of the ladies, novia22 and akinade28.
I will finish through with the replies on this thread.
However, singles and unruly should shut their mouth.

9jausedauto:
You do all the chores and pay all the bills and she denies you sex, use ur head sir, divorce her now b4 she go change am for you later

Single person

Kenturkey048:


As in...The matter dey pain me on behalf of the momsy.... I wonder wetin dey do all these boys turned husband...How can somebody call your mom a witch and you aren't even ashamed to type that shit...... ??

Single person

lilyheaven:
Go to her and have sex whenever you feel Hot, you don’t have to seek permission.
You payed for it.
If you can’t do that, get someone to service you, or is it very hard to get one over there?
Anyways,
The butterfly feeling she had for you has disappeared.

For your mom, I’m sure you won’t watch her insult her. I don’t like children that watch others insult their parents.

Again, you’re not divorcing her, even if she serves you a divorce paper, she most marry you by fire by force.

Make yourself scarce at home, you can come back when you know she is already sleeping , or out.

Teach your mind to be happy in any given situation.

Single person

Harddiskng:

Op your problem is the foundation on which your marriage stands.

You want to erect a 21 storey building on a foundation meant for small boys-quarters.

If you didn’t do these things with your wife before marriage how can you expect it in marriage.

It is expected that before marriage each party must know what would be required: in short before marriage I may require my wife to sign a small contract cuz I like a ride or die; going to same church, raising children in the knowledge of God etc everything must be in our contract. If she doesn’t agree then I let her go.

But now that you are already married to an unwilling woman, it is an uphill climb. Very difficult, Only God can help you. Start engaging your God.

Shiloh 2021 has started, I would advise you to log-in into divine unction via this and reclaim your home.

Single person

Let the singles borrow sense. I marriage, actions are not spontaneous considering collateral damage even yo self. Just not get bad wife. Na there u go no say khaki no be leather.
But blacks are Strong compared to whites

fabianiyobosa:
My marriage is about a year and 2 months old and we have a son, I compliment my wife from time to time about how she is doing so much to keep our family together, sometimes we do not have enough, we just buy what we need the most and we live abroad.

I am physically stronger than my wife, but she is the one doing almost everything to take care of me and our son. Our baby is 4 months old now and to be honest, it has not been easy, but she is always there to carry him for long periods till he falls asleep, then she does the laundry, then she cooks, then she feeds him, bathe him, sometimes when I am busy with work, she goes in the cold with him to Drs appointments, shopping and almost everything that needs to be done, then after this hardwork of taking care of our SON, one basta*d of a lady with no home training will now say my wife cannot enter my sons kitchen when he finally gets married. Infact, they are both mad. Call my wife a witch, infact they are very mad.

OP, If I say you are stu.pid for even bringing this up, some will say I am harsh but it is what it is.

My brother, you will live longer. Ur position and situation is quite, appreciated. U make me like ur wife and wish I had her type. Count urself blessed and pray not to enter into the kind of temptation we are in to.

Prime4life:
you are a wise man my brother, infact con follow me smoke this last wrap in appreciation.

I'm telling you...The best response so far..

My question to the Op is, is your wife fully a Nigerian?

Pharmjossy:

Single person

Double person

Pharmjossy:

I am still on page 2_of this thread and have been on this since yesterday as it piques my interest.
I am equally married for 6yrs with two kids (2yrs and the other few days old); based in Nigeria but hoping I could relocate abroad like u.
However, I have never had an a need to mark my anniversary bc it has been series of similar issues as yours. This has caused me to drag my foot on processing any traveling stuff. But sometimes I think of giving my kids that privilege while becoming the sacrificial lamb, bc I know my spouse will rubbish me abroad considering that she is a RN
If she could rubbish me here in Naija as well as my parents (front, right and center). I mean anything u can reckone with, I wonder y she would not do it abroad.
At present, I foot virtually every expense while she works and I do not seek to know how she spends her money but believed she Is thrift. But the shocker was having to purchase a piece of land without my knowledge but with the knowledge of her Step mother.
Guy man, if I take this one abroad and she earns in dollar, what will be my situation.
As i read ur story, it tells me that u and I are the NICE guys that ladies desire to have but can not keep.
How to b a bad guy becomes a proplem at this our age ( I am over 40 and wife is over 30).
Less I forget, the latter Is why I paused to reply. How old is ur wife and did u marry her abroad or u took her there?
BC it seems she feels she is very young and presented with lots of opportunities abroad. Hence, I agree with ur conclusion: she is waiting for u to pull the divorce string or hit her.
Use ur head. Stay connected with ur siblings, report less to her mother. But ur challenge and my challenge and the challenge of ur mother (whether she is aware if it or not) is: making ur mother have the Joy of Motherhood and the abroad experience which is highly and overwhelming enjoyed by ur wife without with felt gratitude. A thing that makes a husband live longer.
I c u Existing just for the kids. But others have adviced on how to live for the kids. I have taken note of does advices too
Ur wife called ur mum a witch; mine said she sees,reason why women wish there mother in-law death.
Who never marry no go understand this ordeal.
Our only limitations is Living as a Christian. Else, what's the benefit of working to save the marriage. Meanwhile, marriage is not alife; neither is the husband nor the wife.
Hmmmm. We are just existing for the kids. Let's find joy
Make itself happy
Expect the worse each day, this will care less
Go to the gym
Watch football out of doors
Take to the advice of the ladies, novia22 and akinade28.
I will finish through with the replies on this thread.
However, singles and unruly should shut their mouth.

She is above 30, I met her here,plus we did not date for long.

50pseamer:
I would like to share my current situation on this platform , and I will very much appreciate your mature advice on the issue.

I have been having issues with my wife after our first born, we married about 3 years ago, our first born is now about 2 years old, we have been having series of issues In the marriage, my wife argues with me a lot on flimsy issues at times, we do not have constant sex, although I started helping more in the house,I cook and and I do the laundry , and asked her to give me my share of the work, when she complained about work load,I am the only one really working now, and paying 98 percent of the bills.

I told my wife that I will like us to be eating together on the same plate to improve closeness, she refused, she sees arguement as normal discussion, sometimes we have sex once or twice in a month, I have told her I will like us all to attend the same church and pray together, but she still attends her Nigerian church online , where they are always seeing vision , and I do not like her attending that church.she also attends online services of my church with me, but I would like us to be attending one church even if it is not my church.
I asked her recently that we need to be praying together for our marriage even if it is 10 minutes every day, after weeks of no response from her,I approached her yesterday and scolded her about it, she cried and I comforted her, I later asked her at night to come for the prayer,and she said she is not coming.
We live abroad and my mum wants to pay us a visit,
She told me the kitchen is her's and my mum should not enter the kitchen, and I told her that it will be difficult, we can pre cook all our food, But she might need to make tea and I will like her to be able to do that by her self , but my wife refused.
In her church she is attending they already branded. My mother a witch. Even if my mother is a witch, we only need to pray against it, should we humiliate her when she visits us? I cannot make my wife my mother, she does not show me much love and does not show that she cares, neither does she respect me. My mum shows me love that I can feel.

Now we are living like neighbours in the same house.
Do you think she is interested in the marriage or has another plan?

This is what happens when couples get carried away by passions and refuse or forget to discuss the hard issues before marriage. Your wife is still a girl and she is yet to evolve into a woman. First, stop arguing with her. Train yourself to stop arguing. If she wants to keep arguing let her argue with herself. Second, stop eating what she prepares and stop preparing what she will eat. Solutions are appreciated when we are the extremes. If you haven't had water for one week you will appreciate water more than someone who had a drink a couple of minutes ago. Third, observe your wives movements very closely and keep evidence of actions or inaction. Fourth, keep your plans, aspirations and ambitions to yourself. Keep a lid on your affairs...If these four moves are done right, you should be able to bring to the surface the real reason she is acting the way she is acting because believe me there is something driving her behavior you just don't know it yet. Now as you do these things, remember that when men and women forsake you the LORD God will not forsake you. Go to GOD in prayers and ask for him to expose the reason for your wife's inappropriate behavior and when it is revealed ask the LORD God to help you fix your marriage!

novia22:
I think you are too lenient with her. Don't hit her.....I REPEAT DO NOT HIT HER...But you need to put your foot down.....You are the man for Heaven's sake......I'm a woman...we naturally have a way of being manipulative. It's how we are wired and it reveals itself more when we marry men that are too nice.
See eeeh...If She can't attend same church with you, Then she can't go to church at all.
When she starts whining,. ignore her. State what you want to be done clearly.Be stern and let her know there will be consequences for disobedience and move.
By consequences....you can give her the silent treatment. Shey she is using sex as a tool to do shakara.....Show her you can do without it. I know it's hard,but you must try to save your marriage. If she talks to you, answer with words not sentences...
Don't give her time or listen to her plenty talk....
The one that is painful is you begging her to come and pray with you......Jehovah! All these small small witches with Big God never enter her matter.....

That Aboard sef isn't helping issues cos before you say Jack, Five 0 is at your door. I just pray she isn't just looking for a reason to mess you up cos calling your mum a witch seems like a game plan to push you to your limit....

You are a good man and your wife doesn't know what she has.......and she is joking with it...
I wish you Grace.

She is withholding sex from him and you are advising him to withhold affection from her. Passive aggressiveness. The marriage is already dead and gone

Toxic relationship advice. In fact, Google silent treatment and learn about the psychological impact. If she doesn't care about him, it won't affect her at all. It will only affect a woman who loves a man but it may also backfire. She will eventually lose the emotional connection she had to him and look for it elsewhere

The best way is to have open communication where both partners have each other's best interest at heart. When there's manipulate and struggle for power and control, it's over

You say that he is a good man. How do you know? Toxic partners attract each other. If she is toxic, so is he if not he wouldn't have married her in the first place

50pseamer:


Thanks so much for your mature advice, she does not really believe in the leadership of a man,at least from what I see. There was a time I asked her not to take my child to school and she told me she will take him to school , and she did ignoring my request, I have asked her if she wants to go, so that we can separate amicably, she should not worry about her documents, I will still help since she has a child for me. I am not sure if I ask her to stop going to her church that she will comply, but I will tell her my decision, being that we live in a white man's country, I have tried to be a bit soft. She is not telling me she wants to go, I am thinking she wants me to pull the divorce trigger, that's why she is not saying anything, if I ask her if she loves me, the answer comes with alot of delay too. It's unfortunate, I guess I made a big mistake

The African context of leadership is being an authoritarian. It's their way or the highway. When some African women go abroad and become empowered, they dismiss that authority

Some women want a partner not a parent figure as a spouse. Your wife seems to be one of them. Regardless though, mutual respect is important

If she wants to make the marriage work, you both need to communicate better and understand each other's expectations

I think women generally want a leader though. Not an authoritarian, controlling and manipulative leader, but a man who they admire and respect

olaniyiYAH:

Bro marriage is not like that
Yesterday I was in the house thinking how I paid house rent before Christmas, my wife just come and greet me saying she has checked my phone and seen all message and chat she even send some to her junior sister because I stopped bathing my baby , if I want to have sex with her she will say no and I will be looking until yesterday when she comes up with issue of checking my phone

How were things when you were dating?

I think she doesn't have an emotional connection with you and she doesn't seem to respect you either

But you need to learn how to be more assertive

50pseamer:

I am not saying I am a saint, infact when there are issues , I apologize more easily than my wife. I feel very strongly for my child, I do not want him to suffer, she complained earlier that I was not helping with the baby and I started helping more, after a while, she said we need to go to a counsellor, I have agreed and also searched for a Christian one, but she prefers the one with a degree in psychology,
Sometimes when she offends me I can be blunt, and I might says some words, but not extreme words the words are only an interpretation of the attitude I see.
She knows it all, and does not easily take correction, even when I try to play with her she easily takes offence. Mind you all these never happened while we were dating, I noticed a bit of stubbornness and I tried to correct her , and told her that is one of the attribute I hate the most.
I am at point that I am not sure she loves me , and I don't even know if everything happening in my home is normal.

once u hear a man use the word 'stubborn' for his wife you already know the man is problematic..

50pseamer:


Not yet, I sent her the link, she is the one insisting on special criteria, so I asked to to look for it, I have sent her my own suggestion.

you are actually responding so nicely to someone who insulted your wife ? No iota of loyalty .

Fool. So you already accepted your mother is a witch because your wife said so. I thought I was weak in my marriage, I have seen who I am better than. By the way,, from my experience, the more you do those house boy things, the more she loose any respect and love remaining for you. Those things work only for women who are not damaged already.

Nicepoker:
I don't interfere into marital issues. I only comment on pre wedding pictures tell them ahead how it will end. Guess what they never listen. At the end topics like this will hit FP. ; ;

Being abroad made your case more difficult.
Still I will advice you divorce her, you may have to ay monthly support and maybe even give up your house.
The important question is, "is your peace of mind worth the time what you will lose in the process of divorce?".

If you are abroad, just remove your mind from marriage, e get why. But if say you want to marry for whatever reason, OYO is your case.

safarigirl:


Oga, he lives abroad, he is not in Africa.

No go dey give person advice wey go only work for Nigeria, make dem for no collect him house for abroad.

Tailor advice according to location please.

Is there's any rule in the abroad that compels black or African couple to follow follow their culture that has destroyed marriage and masculinity in Europe and the US?

Kuriosmynd:

Is there's any rule in the abroad that compels black or African couple to follow follow their culture that has destroyed marriage and masculinity in Europe and the US?

The rule is that the abroad favours women


So, na small thing man go do to "assert his dominance as an African man", and before we know it, you go hear say dem arrest the man and collect him house.

Then, Nigerian men will come to Nairaland and start complaining about how women are this and that.

Give people advice according to their location, make dem no enter gutter. The kind of things men can get away with in Nigeria, they cannot get away with it in America. So, he should better be careful when he wants to be an African man abroad.

olaniyiYAH:

Bro marriage is not like that
Yesterday I was in the house thinking how I paid house rent before Christmas, my wife just come and greet me saying she has checked my phone and seen all message and chat she even send some to her junior sister because I stopped bathing my baby , if I want to have sex with her she will say no and I will be looking until yesterday when she comes up with issue of checking my phone

Singles men do not understand that those gender are quite complex and warped in their thoughts compared to men.
The man says I do not have money
They woman reaches several conclusions from that expression such as:
He no longer cares about me
What has he done with money?
Who is eating all his money?
Is it his mother or side chick?
Why can't he hustle like other men?
Etc

neonly:
From yur write up you still young my best advise is dat don't make another baby with her for now it will be more easy to detach yurself from her with only one child d more children d more it becomes more hard to detach
Yur family is yur family because without them u won't be what u are today don't let any body ridicule yur family I mean anybody.
Start making plan B. I am in same shoe but dis static am using now is making me to have my sanity so many Jezebel outder careful

@boded.
1) u do not know how many kids he plans on making and for what period time frame. Besides, in as much as we find ourselves in such relationship, it only kills our time waiting for when the worst happens from her side. Na once chance we enter.
2) the 2nd bolded should sink deep into our head. BC should she exit, we will only fall back to our family. She too to her family. So hold ur biological family wells. But when we detach from our biological members and foolishly hold on to such wife's according to the bible, OYO is ur case.
Note: I am not condemning the Bible advice to stick to ones wife, but it is the WISE Wife that it refers to and not the FOOLISH wife.
3) 3rd @_bolded. Our sanity is a priority. We must be of sound mind and judgement
Cc
50pseamer

Abroad things!

incogni2o:


Just know 50 to 80 percentage of Nigerian women are like this.

My Wife is about 50% of your Wife's character(with the crying part too and even the vision part)

Firstly, people like her need a lot of maturity from the husband, maybe partly due to the upbringing, They are ignorant of a lot of things, listen to a lot of negative things from the Devil and his manipulations rather than from God, it difficult to change their point of view unless something emotionally traumatizing happens to them.

The issue now is that you have already travelled abroad, me, I am still here and we are doing the physical and spiritual part and really making progress, You have to be the Dad they never had in terms of Love (This is hard I must say). You also have to be the more truly spiritualy leading.
[/b]
[b]Your one best bet now can no more be physical but spiritual. [/b]God respects the Man's say over the Wife,

[b]Report her to God, although this looks funny it works, also let her know you have authority over her spiritually, even before God, Trust, me, when God start dealing with Her spiritualy, She'll come back with true humility and submission.

It truly works.

Never listen to the manipulations of the Devil.

This ones touch me as well. Noted by me too.
Cc
50pseamer