I created a new ID for this post and it's a really long post.

I've been in a toxic marriage for seven years (like a crazy marriage).
I have a child and I'm expecting another one on the way.
Anyway, I walked away last year September (note this is my second time of walking away from our home)
I walked away about 3years ago and we both reconciled.

Last year, I was about three months pregnant and we had a serious issue about finances regarding a medical procedure that I had to undergo inorder for me to keep the pregnancy.
He refused to contribute a dime and we both had a serious argument and he beat me up the night before my surgery and because of that I packed up my things and left.

Two days before I left I approached him that I've gotten a house and I'm moving out and he said nothing.
On the day of my leaving, he was at home when the van pulled up and left but he did nothing.

December Last year, he approached me that he wants to see his son, I sent his son to him and he brought his son back to where im currently living.
We had a cordial discussion about life and he dropped some allowance for his son.

We've been cordial, I guess to much and right now I'm no longer comfortable.
He has been helpful in my condition because I live in a town with no family and friends.
He is the only adult I can count on and he has been helpful but not perfect.

The Problem is I can not forget how toxic our seven years together has been and my gut feeling tells me to quit the marriage.
He still does not realize how bad he hurt me and feels because I'm cordial with him, I still love him.

I'm almost due with our second child and I really want us to be good friends but I don't want us to be married.
I actually want boundaries between us but I don't want to push him away.

For the first time in seven years, he provided our monthly upkeep and my hospital money without fighting and argument.
He's been good this month but it was hell with him for seven years.

I hope I'm clear enough, what should I do? please

Hmmmm

The kind of wahala in marriages this days eh, is making me scared of getting married....

Madam what makes you think he won't hesitate to beat you up again if you go back to him? Imagine beating you up when you are pregnant..

Maybe you will learn your lessons when he beats you to death..

The very first Day you agreed to Marry Him is confirmation of your resolve to stay with Him and love Him regardless of his flaws. You said it yourself that you still love Him so there is still hope to rescue your Marriage.

He has shown remorse by displaying good deeds even without you asking for it. I believe he still loves you too but the problem i see here is lack of communication. Have a talk with him and let him know the hurt he did to you and if he shows remorse and apologise please forgive Him and move back to the House.

No marriage is perfect my dear. I do not support domestic abuse. However, forgive and pray for him so that God will touch him. Finallly, before you move back to his House, call a family meeting (Your People/His People) and let him promise not to lay his hands on you again. You too learn to briddle your tongue and control your Mouth maybe the way you talk to him could be disrespectful.

Best of luck.

.

emotionalwoman:


The Problem is I can not forget how toxic our seven years together has been and my gut feeling tells me to quit the marriage.
He still does not realize how bad he hurt me and feels because I'm cordial with him, I still love him.

I'm almost due with our second child and I really want us to be good friends but I don't want us to be married.
I actually want boundaries between us but I don't want to push him away.


I hope I'm clear enough, what should I do? please

I think you already know what you want to do. It's written here, isn't it?

emotionalwoman:
I created a new ID for this post and it's a really long post.

I've been in a toxic marriage for seven years (like a crazy marriage).
I have a child and I'm expecting another one on the way.
Anyway, I walked away last year September (note this is my second time of walking away from our home)
I walked away about 3years ago and we both reconciled.

Last year, I was about three months pregnant and we had a serious issue about finances regarding a medical procedure that I had to undergo inorder for me to keep the pregnancy.
He refused to contribute a dime and we both had a serious argument and he beat me up the night before my surgery and because of that I packed up my things and left.

Two days before I left I approached him that I've gotten a house and I'm moving out and he said nothing.
On the day of my leaving, he was at home when the van pulled up and left but he did nothing.

December Last year, he approached me that he wants to see his son, I sent his son to him and he brought his son back to where im currently living.
We had a cordial discussion about life and he dropped some allowance for his son.

We've been cordial, I guess to much and right now I'm no longer comfortable.
He has been helpful in my condition because I live in a town with no family and friends.
He is the only adult I can count on and he has been helpful but not perfect.

The Problem is I can not forget how toxic our seven years together has been and my gut feeling tells me to quit the marriage.
He still does not realize how bad he hurt me and feels because I'm cordial with him, I still love him.

I'm almost due with our second child and I really want us to be good friends but I don't want us to be married.
I actually want boundaries between us but I don't want to push him away.

For the first time in seven years, he provided our monthly upkeep and my hospital money without fighting and argument.
He's been good this month but it was hell with him for seven years.

I hope I'm clear enough, what should I do? please

Probably your packing out brought out the sense of responsibility of a man in him

You are pregnant for him for the second child and now he has been responsive, that's a good one

But you don't want to go back to marriage again with him

It's your choice to decide if you are comfortable being a wife outside living with him

As he comes and do the little ones he does and go back to wherever he is coming from, leave it so

If he really wants you guys back, he will arrange for you guys to come back

If he decides to settle with you in your residence, it may be because he is back to his senses

But in all if you heard that another woman is pregnant for him, don't feel bad or feel jealous simply because you can't cope with his bad attitude

For now you guys are better apart

Time will tell

Obviously, you both still love one another and perhaps, you guys were choked while together. Through out the marriage, was there personal space and time where either party could go hang out with friends?

You need to have a firm resolve not to go back.

It's either of two things: He doesn't love you. OR

He has an incorrigible habit.

Both are difficult situations... a man who was never in love most likely will not suddenly develop love overnight, because how did he have the conscience to lay a finger on you in your delicate state? And to think that the scuffle ensued from his refusal to provide funding for your baby's survival. He didn't even attempt to stop you when you were moving out. So loveless.

The second option is equally difficult. Adults do not easily change. The lack of a sense of responsibility won't come overnight, trust me. His lack of restraint may always be there.

***********
Cut your losses. You weren't lucky with the choice of a man you made.

Pick up from here and move on.

Good thing you're cordial, for the sake of your children. Please, don't get pregnant again.
Focus on giving your two kids the very best possible.

If there hasn't been any significant event in his life to make him change for good, then the same thing will happen again. It's a mental disorder he can't escape. Don't test it. Stay where you are.
Example of significant event? He became a born again Christian, for example. But even that is testy. Move on with your life.

Your husband is angry about something. Something that he alone wants to battle with, probably because of ego.
Your husband is battling with lack. A man who lacks will always be angry. He lacks the things he wish to have to cater for you and your child. He feels you should understand him but you dont.

He wants to provide for you, but he is unable. That explains why, according to you, the last time he dropped money without a fight in a very long time

emotionalwoman:

For the first time in seven years, he provided our monthly upkeep and my hospital money without fighting and argument.

You know he loves you( regardless of his toxicity) that's why you have chosen to stay for 7 years.
Pray his financial situation improves.

U hubby is a proud man.

He will definitely get worse, should you decide to return.

He's doing all thatcos he wants you to apologize and go back home.

OYO

emotionalwoman:
I created a new ID for this post and it's a really long post.

I've been in a toxic marriage for seven years (like a crazy marriage).
I have a child and I'm expecting another one on the way.
Anyway, I walked away last year September (note this is my second time of walking away from our home)
I walked away about 3years ago and we both reconciled.

Last year, I was about three months pregnant and we had a serious issue about finances regarding a medical procedure that I had to undergo inorder for me to keep the pregnancy.
He refused to contribute a dime and we both had a serious argument and he beat me up the night before my surgery and because of that I packed up my things and left.

Two days before I left I approached him that I've gotten a house and I'm moving out and he said nothing.
On the day of my leaving, he was at home when the van pulled up and left but he did nothing.

December Last year, he approached me that he wants to see his son, I sent his son to him and he brought his son back to where im currently living.
We had a cordial discussion about life and he dropped some allowance for his son.

We've been cordial, I guess to much and right now I'm no longer comfortable.
He has been helpful in my condition because I live in a town with no family and friends.
He is the only adult I can count on and he has been helpful but not perfect.

The Problem is I can not forget how toxic our seven years together has been and my gut feeling tells me to quit the marriage.
He still does not realize how bad he hurt me and feels because I'm cordial with him, I still love him.

I'm almost due with our second child and I really want us to be good friends but I don't want us to be married.
I actually want boundaries between us but I don't want to push him away.

For the first time in seven years, he provided our monthly upkeep and my hospital money without fighting and argument.
He's been good this month but it was hell with him for seven years.

I hope I'm clear enough, what should I do? please

You can opt for co-parenting while he takes care of the children's welfare. You can both maintain a healthy relationship despite not living together. Good luck

I don't believe that the same man that beat you up (for reasons you haven't stated) is the same person trying to live up to his responsibilities.

Also, we don't know whether he's the one pushing to have you back. Perhaps, you're his bundle of trouble and he currently enjoys the system. Don't push too hard for a reconciliation/moving back to his house if he hasn't made any clear statement or actions to have you return to his home..

Some marriages are really battle field, no wonder some die in the war of marriage. I'm confused on what to type.

i would've said something but what God has joined together...

Concentrate on birthing your baby safe and sound, with your life intact.
You have a lot on your hands, like childcare and help when the new baby comes. So start making arrangements for that- relatives, parents or paid help.
That man no be husband material at all, so pay him little heed. You're separated, so stop giving him husband privilege.
Let him be involved in the lives of his children, but be weary as he may want to use them to get back at you, if he sees you're not budging or coming back for more slaps and punches.
You've done the difficult part- moving out. Don't go back into the cycle of abuse. Don't self-destruct.
Even if you decide to go back, make sure you've put in place checks and balance to protect yourself

You somehow seem like you strongly know what your next move is. But somehow you are in doubt. I know it’s not just because of one month of him being good. Is there something else about him that is making you doubt that you are not telling us? From what you have said, he seems quite irresponsible but I have to also ask if he could afford these things which you asked for?

Anyway since you are conflicted, I suggest if he brings back the idea of reconciliation, you suggest counseling first for about 3-6months. Through counseling you can gauge him well to see if he has changed and if he don get sense. If he never change my dear, please run away.

Stay where you are
Let him come and go for now while you test if he has indeed changed for the better.Don't be in a rush to go back to stay with him.

I wonder how people keep loving someone capable of killing them. Imagine, you still love him.

A man who beat you while you were pregnant and preparing to go for surgery is whom you're still declaring love for. ( Some women with chicken brain though).

Wait until he kills you before you receive sense. You think because he's coming back and acting all nice, he now likes you? Someone who didn't care whether you lived or died and refused to contribute to your surgery? Sorry o. He's probably doing all that so he can claim his unborn child.

Just pray for guidance. That's all I can say.

He is a ticking time bomb, he has the capacity to kill which you have already had a taste of.... don't go back to him. Work on co-parenting without having to live under the same roof.

Get your birth family involved in your present situation and arrange for a female relative to come stay with you....being isolated is very risky.

I'm as confused as you are! You seem to know what you want so why do you need advice? Do what your gut is telling you to do. Set boundaries and co parent.

Why have you isolated yourself in this town where you know nobody? If you have a healthy relationship with your family, immediate or extended then maybe you should move closer to them. You've put yourself at a disadvantage in your current location because you're still dependent on his help and he might use that as leverage to still control you.

Do you have friends, cousins, siblings, anyone who will care for you? You need to move closer to those people because being a single parent is hard enough without being isolated.

The fact is a lot of young couples under estimate the impact of finances on the success or failure of a marriage

It is quite obvious bulk of your fights has to do with money...

My advice, if you can cater for your kids alone, then go ahead and have the conversation about possibly divorcing. If you cannot cater for the kids, don't initiate the conversation. The conversation about who asks for a divorce has a lot of reverberations in the future


A lot of peeps have strong opinions about domestic violence, and it is universally agreed moving out of such a situation is wise but don't let that issue remain at the center of the decision making process after you move out. You need to put the wellbeing of everyone ahead

Madam enjoy him from afar, he hasn't changed. So why do you want to put yourself through that again.

adajoe555:
Hmmmm
The kind of wahala in marriages this days eh, is making me scared of getting married....
Madam what makes you think he won't hesitate to beat you up again if you go back to him? Imagine beating you up when you are pregnant..
Maybe you will learn your lessons when he beats you to death..

What do you mean by "these days ..."? The only thing about these things is that these stories are now more widely told, unlike the time of our mothers and their mothers before the telling of these stories were seriously looked down on.

Thank you for your responses.

I think it's best we remain apart because I'm at peace where I am.
I guess it's loneliness and the fear of taking care of two kids all by myself that was making me reconsider our arrangement.

I'm at peace with myself, I don't hate him but I can not forget how toxic it's been.
I really do hope we maintain being cordial, for the sake of our kids.

I honestly do love him but the truth is we are truly incompatible and love is just not enough.

Our marriage of seven years has scarred me emotionally and mentally.
I actually do not want to be entangled with anyone anymore, I just want to focus on me and my kids.
I guess because I don't talk much about it or I'm always jovial, he still doesn't understand.


Thank you all.

OP is he asking you to come back? Seems there was a lot of stress in the marriage when you both were living together. Maybe he's enjoying the distance, it seems you both are.

If you're planning to put yourself out there again then maybe you can talk to him about divorce, if not, what's the point of bringing it up at this point when you're not planning to go back to him, and are about having a new born? If he brings up the discussion of coming back, you can make it known that's not happening

Take your time to heal and take care of your little ones before you worry about divorce, unless you're ready to start dating again. You can't get over seeing him even if you divorce him now, you both have kids together and he's becoming responsible to them

emotionalwoman:
Thank you for your responses.

I think it's best we remain apart because I'm at peace where I am.
I guess it's loneliness and the fear of taking care of two kids all by myself that was making me reconsider our arrangement.

I'm at peace with myself, I don't hate him but I can not forget how toxic it's been.
I really do hope we maintain being cordial, for the sake of our kids.

I honestly do love him but the truth is we are truly incompatible and love is just not enough.

Our marriage of seven years has scarred me emotionally and mentally.
I actually do not want to be entangled with anyone anymore, I just want to focus on me and my kids.
I guess because I don't talk much about it or I'm always jovial, he still doesn't understand.


Thank you all.

Have you told him the good and the bad sides of your relationship with him? Perhaps he doesnt realise how it has been for you. Also ask for his

Kobojunkie:
What do you mean by "these days ..."? The only thing about these things is that these stories are now more widely told, unlike the time of our mothers and their mothers before the telling of these stories were seriously looked down on.

But it's the truth, marriage issues are becoming more common these days.. putting fears on the once who ain't married yet.

Hmmmm..

Listen to your gut feeling while remaining cordial with him. To keep him being responsible, maintain that cordiality but ensure you dont go sleeping with him. Each time he makes advances, let him know your body isnt ready. You dont want wahala biko....a sane man will not beat his wife, let alone a pregnant one or one prepping for a surgery. That baba is not to be trusted with your life!

Atk1nson:


Have you told him the good and the bad sides of your relationship with him? Perhaps he doesnt realise how it has been for you. Also ask for his

The fact that he doesnt realise how badly he had treated her makes it even sadder. People like him are the worst offenders ever....when they hurt people, they usually wondered why their victims dared to feel hurt....they are never in the wrong as far as they're concerned, only misunderstood. Whew!