I'll probably confuse some people with the following but for what its worth here goes:

The argument that men are polygamous is a veil to cover the deep seated vice that some people have given control over to.  That argument would have been given legitimacy if the core of us humans was entirely earthly or should I say animistic but that is not so. There is more to a person that just flesh and blood or chemistry and biology. We are at our inner most core spiritual beings and the spiritual always strives for the noble anytime it is expressed. It is this expression of nobility that lends itself to the adoption of exclusive or should I say monogamous relationships. The more a society matured, i.e. the more the society revealed its spiritual nature and did away with the animistic and became more humane, the more monogamous relationships became wide spread. That many people want to maintain that we are polygamous is in fact retrogressive; it is just a baseless attempt to justify the weakness that many people still carry within themselves.

chaircover:

Dayo the difference between then and now is that then, society accepted it and so there was no need to sneak around, lie to your partner etc. Your grandmother marrying a junior wife for your grandad shows that she is in the loop and knows about things.

Incidentally my grandfather only had one wife & so monogamy has been around for longer that we like to think but that is a story for another day.

Today, both men and women are expected to be faithful to their partners and so the ones that dont have to lie, sneak about and deceive their partners. Now this is where the problem is. Many women who have been cheated on say it is the deceit that gets to them. If you think about it, it takes longer to woo a woman than it takes to actually bed her.

I still dont think that you can love and respect your wife, yet choose to lie and cheat behind her back. I mean how can you look her in the eye and lie that you have a meeting with your oyinbo partners in abuja, and your wife packs your bag for you and off you go, when infact your plan is to end up frolicking with a concubine 3 miles down the road in an hotel in Lekki?

I am not going to go into the Moslem way because I have limited knowledge on the subject.

What I am saying is people are Monogamous because of the law and societal opinions, Not because they innately desire to be Monogamous.

Like students in class want to make noise but are curbed by the school rules, Without the rules they would be unruly. A student who complies to the rules is different from one who is naturally peaceful and quiet

Let me know if you disagree

..

why do most nigerian men [and many of the women] always insist NO man can be naturally monogamous?

i find this puzzling.

is it that difficult to believe or accept that there are men who cant and dont see themselves with multiple women?

say for example someone who survived a natural disaster that wiped out everybody he knows, or who was raised in various orphanages while growing up- these are extreme examples [since you believe monogamous feelings are abnormal in males] of incidences which would give someone a natural instinct for monogamy.

What I am saying is people are Monogamous because of the law and societal opinions, Not because they innately desire to be Monogamous.

what a general statement.

by people i assume you mean men.

and why would you say no man has an innate desire to be monogamous, just because you and your friends arent?

and killing the wife will NOT solve or validate your problem.

Bawss1:

I'll probably confuse some people with the following but for what its worth here goes:

The argument that men are polygamous is a veil to cover the deep seated vice that some people have given control over to.  That argument would have been given legitimacy if the core of us humans was entirely earthly or should I say animistic but that is not so. There is more to a person that just flesh and blood or chemistry and biology. We are at our inner most core spiritual beings and the spiritual always strives for the noble anytime it is expressed. It is this expression of nobility that lends itself to the adoption of exclusive or should I say monogamous relationships. The more a society matured, i.e. the more the society revealed its spiritual nature and did away with the animistic and became more humane, the more monogamous relationships became wide spread. That many people want to maintain that we are polygamous is in fact retrogressive; it is just a baseless attempt to justify the weakness that many people still carry within themselves.

I agree with a lot of what you've said, but I wouldn't dismiss the "polygamous" nature of a modern man as a baseless attempt to justify weakness.

If we refer to affairs as the modern equivalent of polygamy, we see that many men have risked careers, lives and their families' happiness because of this "weakness", so it certainly warrants a deeper understanding and shouldn't be easily dismissed.

Men's natural intimacy instincts are the same as they were 100 years ago and I believe that most men need support in being able to curb this "weakness". Of course, I refer to the men that have a desire to curb the weakness in the first place.

For the other type of man who has not desire to curb those natural instincts, then yes, I strongly condemn such attitudes.

Here is another way of expressing my points. People who are of a high spiritual standing (i.e. they strive for the good) will have no inclination to cheat even when faced with the opportunity. They are guided by nobler impulses (like the desire to protect, to care etc) and are beyond the control of baser instincts. Just like a well behaved student will not need the rules in class to be quiet and obedient, the compliance with the class rules comes naturally to such a student.

tpia@:

why do most nigerian men [and many of the women] always insist NO man can be naturally monogamous?

i find this puzzling.

is it that difficult to believe or accept that there are men who cant and dont see themselves with multiple women?
say for example someone who survived a natural disaster that wiped out everybody he knows, or who was raised in various orphanages while growing up- these are extreme examples [since you believe monogamous feelings are abnormal in males] of incidences which would give someone a natural instinct for monogamy.





what a general statement.

by people i assume you mean men.

and why would you say no man has an innate desire to be monogamous, just because you and your friends arent?

and killing the wife will NOT solve or validate your problem.

Look at societies where Polygamy is allowed and let me know how many men were monogamous?

Going by biblical records as a start In the old testament How many of the Men there were monogamous?

100-200yrs ago How many of the men were monogamous? In Islamic societies How many men are monogamous?

Despite the fact that Monogamy is not a punishable offence, ppl still chose to avoid it.

Note: All these examples I gave you are not related to Dayokanu nor are they Dayokanus friends

no. not all men cheat.  to make a general assumption that all men do is unfair and dangerous.
as for the polyamory points, that still does not constitute cheating.  those who practice polygamy correctly do so with eyes wide open and all parties informed.
making blanket statements about what all men do and don't do isn't a good idea.  i know i do it from time to time, but i'm working on that.  it doesn't give individuals the benefit of the doubt.  i know i certainly hate it when men make negative generalizations about womens, especially on NL.  i have read some crazy ones, and it makes me wonder how badly some of the posters here have been hurt.

chaircover:

Interesting comments Claus.

Lets flip this around.

God forbid, if your wife cheated on you, was caught but started crying and said that she still loves you in spite of everything, will you beleive her?

Ok Maybe I am being too one way here; so lets break things down a little - If a man goes to a party on his own and somehow as a one off he ends up banging a girl he met at the party outside in his car; just maybe just maybe I will say that he does under normal circumstances love his wife but he was for a split second overcome by temptation & was unable to say no. Not an ideal situation but these things do happpen. If he learns from the incident and tries never to put himself in a position that this will repeat itself then one can say it was a one off mistake.

But the man who lies day after day to his wife, making up all sorts of stories just to get out of the house, he deliberately chases all sorts of girls around, he beds the youth corpers in his office, picks girls up on the street, has girlfriends in every state etc cannot possibly love or resect his wife.

My wife having an affair is not even something I want to think about.

I certainly can't argue with your other points though, and I'm glad you understood what I meant. A good loving man can still stray if he lets himself slip.

However, a consistently philandering man has already decided that he doesn't give a toss about his vows and yes, that does raise serious questions about whether he loves his wife.

.

to the person that said ''men are polygamous'' by nature which genes or hormones or chromosomes determine that??
let me know.

dayokanu:

Look at societies where Polygamy is allowed and let me know how many men were monogamous?

Going by biblical records as a start In the old testament How many of the Men there were monogamous?

100-200yrs ago How many of the men were monogamous? In Islamic societies How many men are monogamous?

Despite the fact that Monogamy is not a punishable offence, ppl still chose to avoid it.

Note: All these examples I gave you are not related to Dayokanu nor are they Dayokanus friends

there was a discussion on another thread, about tuareg men who by and large are monogamous.

iranians also seem to be monogamous.

havent read through this thread because i dont like facing the bigots who always jump on such topics.

Bawss1:

Here is another way of expressing my points. People who are of a high spiritual standing (i.e. they strive for the good) will have no inclination to cheat even when faced with the opportunity. They are guided by nobler impulses (like the desire to protect, to care etc) and are beyond the control of baser instincts. Just like a well behaved student will not need the rules in class to be quiet and obedient, the compliance with the class rules comes naturally to such a student.

You have said it all,

@ Tpia, your analysis is very funny, lol, naso

tpia@:

there was a discussion on another thread, about tuareg men who by and large are monogamous.

iranians also seem to be monogamous.

havent read through this thread because i dont like facing the bigots who always jump on such topics.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7594997.stm

I think Iran just requires the man to get the consent of the first wife before marrying others.

I really dont know about Toaureg and Iranians but like I stated in biblical times Monogamy was not an offence yet many of the men embraced Polygamy, Same with before thew coming of Europeans to Africa

That shows that the natural tendency of men is to be polygamous unless there is an external law which forbids it.

As a Nigerian good looking young man living in AMERICA, I can honestly say that about 90% of men will cheat on their wives if they live in USA.  There are so many beautiful women out here that you just cannot help it.  I am 30 years old and not yet married but I am dating 10 beautiful women at the same time  .

If I married an Akata girl, I may not cheat because they keep themselves sexy for a very long time and still look good in their fifties but Nigerian women on the other hand are just terrible at keeping themselves sexy for their man.  This is a fact and anyone that states otherwise is just in denial.  Naija girls need to loosen up and keep the bedroom interesting for a very long time so that their man does not go astray but Noooo, they just get fat and start wearing "Iro ati Buba" like that is supposed to turn me on.  Wear some nice dress for your man and tease him very often, be creative and holla at "VICTORIA" if you know what i mean.

Even pastors (so called Men of God) cheat on their wives because when they married her, she was skinny and sexy but now she weighs 250 pounds.  Marriage is a challenge and just as Men have to work hard to keep food on the table and pay the bills, women need to cook, take care of the kids and satisfy the man and hold nothing back.

This is 2011 and things are not the same and sexuality especially for us that have lived in USA is at an all time high.  What used to be taboo is now the norm and these girls out here have taken me to planet Mars or something.  Nothing is new under the sun when it comes to sex, so Naija girls should stop being prudish.  Learn from the internet, porn, music videos or something; take a stripper lesson on you tube and just be creative and then if your man cheats, you can at least say you tried your best and leave the bastard alone.

My new blog will deal with issues like this and will also show my exploits as a single man looking for Nigerian love in America (Land of Milk and Honey).  Watch out for NaijaAmericanboy..com

I dont believe all men cheat or that cheating is in their genes. But I will admit that most men do and giving the chance most men will marry more than 1 wife. It boils down to self discipline and self control and unfortunately not many men are able to discipline and control themselves in the face of temptation.

CC, A man can cheat and still be in love with his wife. Most times men cheat not because they love the other woman. Unlike women who must feel something for the man to sleep with him (apart from those who do it to get something in return), men get turned on easily and can easily Be Intimate with a lady that appeals to his intimate urge before finding out the personalty behind the frame.

Em Mr. dating 10 women at a time above me, are you looking for way to bash naija ladies here? so you are comparing the AA ladies with naijan? you must be dreaming. yeah holla at victorian secret like that will put fufu for our table   i am sure you are paying child support and going to court to sort out something with those 10 you are talking abt, so they have enough to buy lingerie to please you. is your 3 leg golden?
please no room for comparing here. just because your woman is not dressing up nicely does not gives anyone the right to go cheat.
don't compare nigerian to an AA who just work and go shopping at your favorite VS

^^^^^Walala, well, i do not agree with you, just because you live in America does not warrant your cheating, i have been married for couple of years now, and my hubby and i live here in the States, he does not have anybody's number that i don't know of on his phone, he is that disciplined, infact, i am the one that used to give people my number, until we had a row about that and i stopped, moreover when we were dating it was just me, me and only me, So it depends on your discipline level, whether your wife is a fat pig or a kpanla, i can tell gfrom your level of discipline, (dating 10 gals @once). someone like you, after you get married would get bored just living with one woman and would definitley cheat on your wife, whether you marry a model or not.

Walala:

As a Nigerian good looking young man living in AMERICA, I can honestly say that about 90% of men will cheat on their wives if they live in USA.  There are so many beautiful women out here that you just cannot help it.  I am 30 years old and not yet married but I am dating 10 beautiful women at the same time  .

If I married an Akata girl, I may not cheat because they keep themselves sexy for a very long time and still look good in their fifties but Nigerian women on the other hand are just terrible at keeping themselves sexy for their man.  This is a fact and anyone that states otherwise is just in denial.  Naija girls need to loosen up and keep the bedroom interesting for a very long time so that their man does not go astray but Noooo, they just get fat and start wearing "Iro ati Buba" like that is supposed to turn me on.  Wear some nice dress for your man and tease him very often, be creative and holla at "VICTORIA" if you know what i mean.

Even pastors (so called Men of God) cheat on their wives because when they married her, she was skinny and sexy but now she weighs 250 pounds.  Marriage is a challenge and just as Men have to work hard to keep food on the table and pay the bills, women need to cook, take care of the kids and satisfy the man and hold nothing back.

This is 2011 and things are not the same and sexuality especially for us that have lived in USA is at an all time high.  What used to be taboo is now the norm and these girls out here have taken me to planet Mars or something.  Nothing is new under the sun when it comes to sex, so Naija girls should stop being prudish.  Learn from the internet, indecency, music videos or something; take a stripper lesson on you tube and just be creative and then if your man cheats, you can at least say you tried your best and leave the bastard alone.

My new blog will deal with issues like this and will also show my exploits as a single man looking for Nigerian love in America (Land of Milk and Honey).  Watch out for NaijaAmericanboy..com 

Who's this bush man? So America is making you cheat? Better come back home before rapture comes.

@Topic: Well, if cheating in this context means "sleeping with another person", male or female--then the obvious answer is "NO".

chaircover:

@richvcunt I thnk the mistake you are making is the use of the word "ALL"

All men cheat and all women are in denial is not a sound argument. A more likely argument is that many men cheat and many women are in denial.

As for women liking to hear the " I will not cheat on You" line. I dont beleive my husband and I have ever had such a discussion. He doesnt have to say it; Actions speak louder than words.

I wouldnt rubbish the men who have come out here to say that they have never cheated on their spouses and although I dont understand the reason why you dont beleive them, I certainly do beleive and commend them.

Good,I don't believe them and you do.
I guess we are even then,but as I warned you on another thread:Day go soon break!

@ The Mods,
I think this thread needs to be on the front page.
Thanks.Out!

ronkebp:

^^^^^Walala, well, i do not agree with you, just because you live in America does not warrant your cheating, i have been married for couple of years now, and my hubby and i live here in the States, he does not have anybody's number that i don't know of on his phone, he is that disciplined, infact, i am the one that used to give people my number, until we had a row about that and i stopped, moreover when we were dating it was just me, me and only me, So it depends on your discipline level, whether your wife is a fat pig or a kpanla, i can tell gfrom your level of discipline, (dating 10 gals @once). someone like you, after you get married would get bored just living with one woman and would definitley cheat on your wife, whether you marry a model or not.

Because your husband does not have anybody's phone number in his phone does not mean that he hasn't cheated on you my dear.  So if he goes to a strip club or massage parlor and gets his ice cream cone licked, and comes back home all smiling and says I love you and all that jargon, would you know what he had just done? If only you women knew the half of what men do behind your backs.

"The only Man that is not cheating is the one that has not been caught yet"

I haven't met my wife and I already KNOW that I will cheat on her to keep my sanity.  As a kid, did you have the same toy for 30 years or did you drive the same car for that long?  Women are like toys and need to be changed to make us men feel better and function better.

BABE!:


Who's this bush man? So America is making you cheat? Better come back home before rapture comes.

@Topic: Well, if cheating in this context means "sleeping with another person", male or female--then the obvious answer is "NO".

Just for the fact that your screen name is "BABE", i reserve my comment for you.  My dear this is 2011 and you are still using the word babe, SMH 

Walala:

Just for the fact that your screen name is "BABE", i reserve my comment for you.  My dear this is 2011 and you are still using the word babe, SMH 

Uhn? I seriously hope everything is alright-- I hope America isn't the cause of the absurd comment you just made--

Walala:

Because your husband does not have anybody's phone number in his phone does not mean that he hasn't cheated on you my dear. So if he goes to a strip club or massage parlor and gets his ice cream cone licked, and comes back home all smiling and says I love you and all that jargon, would you know what he had just done? If only you women knew the half of what men do behind your backs.

"The only Man that is not cheating is the one that has not been caught yet"

I haven't met my wife and I already KNOW that I will cheat on her to keep my sanity. As a kid, did you have the same toy for 30 years or did you drive the same car for that long? Women are like toys and need to be changed to make us men feel better and function better.

Walala, i am not supposed to even explain anything to you in the first place, you are still a baby, bleeping is still your priority right now, when you grow up and are a man (attain that spiritual level, like someone said on the thread), we would discuss.

armyofone:

Em Mr. dating 10 women at a time above me, are you looking for way to bash naija ladies here? so you are comparing the AA ladies with naijan? you must be dreaming. yeah holla at victorian secret like that will put fufu for our table   i am sure you are paying child support and going to court to sort out something with those 10 you are talking abt, so they have enough to buy lingerie to please you. is your 3 leg golden?
please no room for comparing here. just because your woman is not dressing up nicely does not gives anyone the right to go cheat.
don't compare nigerian to an AA who just work and go shopping at your favorite VS

I am not bashing 9ja ladies but i think it is a known fact that 9ja girls are in the lowest percentile when it comes to being sexy and sexuality.  I have dated girls from Asia, North America, South America, Middle East, the Islands, and Africa ( Tanzania, Nigeria, Ghana, Kenya, e.t.c) and I can tell you that most 9ja girls lack femininity and sexuality which is a must in a marriage.  

Per your assumption, I am not paying any child support and yes my 3rd leg feels like Gold to women because unlike you girls I work at it and make sure that my girls are satisfied and don't have to look elsewhere.

But you helped make my point exactly by saying that wearing Victoria secret for your man does not put "fufu" on your table, so you could care less but then you wonder why your man cheats on you because some one else is willing to do what you won't?

The s.exual instinct as it is today is a highly charged one. One that we as a species have strengthened over millennia through over indulgence. Everywhere one looks this excess abounds and it is understandable that some might reach the conclusion that men have no control over themselves here, that they are subject to the workings of theirs genes and thus are inherently polygamous. It is an understandable conclusion but it wrong and misguided. As CC pointed out earlier a man who cheats on his wife or gf is not a man of integrity and this weakness will most likely show itself in other areas of his life. Choosing to believe that (ALL) men will cheat on their wives if chanced because of their so called "nature" is a welcome delusion for many, it takes away the nagging sense of responsibility and guilt.

Walala:

Because your husband does not have anybody's phone number in his phone does not mean that he hasn't cheated on you my dear.  So if he goes to a strip club or massage parlor and gets his ice cream cone licked, and comes back home all smiling and says I love you and all that jargon, would you know what he had just done? If only you women knew the half of what men do behind your backs.

"The only Man that is not cheating is the one that has not been caught yet"

I haven't met my wife and I already KNOW that I will cheat on her to keep my sanity.  As a kid, did you have the same toy for 30 years or did you drive the same car for that long?  Women are like toys and need to be changed to make us men feel better and function better. 

The bolded are my exact thoughts to all the women on this thread vouching for their men.
If they ONLY knew!
But then they are all in self denial.
They all know the truth but will keep denying and praying that their husbands don't knock up some girl who insists on keeping the baby.

@ Tpia, your analysis is very funny, lol, naso

had to modify it because people are very militant about polygamy and cheating.

some are even homicidal over the matter.

So if he goes to a strip club or massage parlor and gets his ice cream cone licked, and comes back home all smiling and says I love you and all that jargon, would you know what he had just done? If only you women knew the half of what men do behind your backs

especially the downlow ones who love this sort of thing.

some will frequent transvestites and pretend they thought the males were female.

deliver us from evil o lord!!!!

I haven't met my wife and I already KNOW that I will cheat on her to keep my sanity

you'll still lose the sanity regardless, and i suspect you know you've lost it already.

As a kid, did you have the same toy for 30 years or did you drive the same car for that long?

duh.

If he really loves and respects his wife and knows that she will Not tolerate that kind of behaviour, he wont cheat. If he loves and respects her but she is totally dependent on him especially financially, he may cheat because he knows that after all the fuss she will stay and accept it. if he doesnt love and respect his wife, he probably will cheat. Strong religious views held by the man will or may moderate his behaviour above but the bottom line is that if he feels he can get away with it he most likely will seize the opportunity if it presents itself even though he may not actually go looking,