i started writing a book,
but my lappie was stolen
since then i hvnt had the zeal to continue

luckily i stumbled on a backup of it

i just want to know if its worth continuing,
pls read n tell.
thank u

Through Heavens Eyes
April,1988

“Dear God” the doctor silently exclaimed neither in fear nor in the way the baby was bawling, but in genuine surprise as he stared at the dark baby girl who had just been birthed. He held her up in the light but it was the same colour he saw. “Wow this is really something!, she‘s really beautiful but it is definitely strange” the nurse standing by to take the baby said narrowing her eyes. The doctor came out of his ‘trance’ and handed the baby to the nurse whose face was as if stamped with a smile, she cooed to the baby while another nurse joined her and they walked out of the room.

He looked back at the mother now under a drugged sleep; he would have to ask her, they weren’t even fair in complexion “how?” he thought; he then gave instructions to the nurses concerning the woman and went out. As he walked to his office he thought to check it up. But she could have a foreign relative, such colour…, it was amazing. Through four years of practice and more than seven hundred births and thousands of people he had seen, this was a first. He would mark this birth as special in his diary and follow her up; he would definitely like to follow her up.

Getting to the door marked Dr Ibinabo Gaines. He thought back to his first child born just three years ago vivid memories playing back. As he sat down in his office to take notes, he said a quick prayer, took out his phone and called his wife who was at home with their second child, a girl who was four months old. As her voice came across the line he spoke “Darling you won’t believe it, the most amazing thing just happened…”

glad 2 see ur back writing. It's pretty good, keep it up!

Hope say ur novel has many 'guy' moments in it o! put lotsa steamy sex scenes in it.

lol. Just kidding sha. Hope u finish it eventually and even do d cover illustrations urself.

give us more.

An hour later, “Dr Gaines, she’s awake now and is asking for the baby” said the nurse who had earlier taken the baby. “Thank you Kemi I’ll be right there”. She closed the door and he put his system on hibernation, what he found so far on the net wasn’t enough to explain to the mother that it could be some form of genetic mutation. He knew that was a possibility, back in medical school he had been interested in genes, a very small possibility. Walking to the room he remembered his own daughter when she had been born, she had the brownest eyes he had seen…

“Mrs Adeyemi, you have a beautiful daughter, she has the prettiest eyes”, he said handing over the little one to her. She looked down at the child with a much frazzled expression.
“I can’t believe this doctor, I mean she could be…” she said eyes locked on the baby.
“No, she’s your child there’s no mistake because she looks like you”.
Pretty woman he thought the baby would be even more beautiful’.
“Doctor I really don’t understand how this could be. I mean nobody… as far as I know has married outside a black person we were all born and bred here”
“I know it seems quite impossible and I meant to ask you about her heritage. I know it’s strange and rare there have been cases of blue but they all have Caucasian blood somewhere not too far back in the family tree but green, it could be a genetic mutation” he looked at her face and saw doubt written over it.
Drawing a seat “Mrs Adeyemi” he said staring her straight in the eye “your daughter is a normal child, there is nothing wrong. They may become hazel later or could remain the same, but all in all she is your child and must be loved accordingly”
Shola didn’t say anything after seeing the sincerity written in Dr Gaines’s eyes she looked down at the baby. Her thoughts echoed through her mind ‘she is my daughter I have to love her with all my heart , in fact I already do, dear baby I promise you.’





this is the Prologue

Thank u Texazz, Ziddy

@Gamine
Wow. You're pretty good. But you can be so much better. You're paying too much attention to the story itself. I mean the narrative. There's no sense of setting in your writing. Because the story talks about doctors and births and offices, we can imagine that the setting is a hospital. But what hospital? Is it a seedy, run-down, candle-lit hovel of a hospital or a marble-floored, ultramodern reddington-like hospital? It may be your style to let your readers imagine the setting for themselves, but i think that's escapism, kinda like abstract art where you can splash paint randomly on canvas and ask people what they make of it. What does the doctor look like? The nurses, what peculiarities do they have that turn them into human beings in your readers eyes? Without these details, you'll end up with flat uninteresting characters who are nothing but names on paper.

Writing that wins awards paints pictures so real you'd think you were immersed in the writers world. Research the great writers, find out how they create their settings. J.R.R. Tolkien was perhaps the world's greatest verbal artist, with descriptions so vivid that you had a clear picture of what he was describing. Try and get a copy of The Lord of the Rings and read it. The book is pretty scarce but if you look hard enough you'll find it.

Failing that, get a copy of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's "Half of a yellow sun." She is a phenomenal writer. She will describe even down to the smell of food cooking and you will imagine that you can actually smell it. Her descriptions are so powerful, making excellent use of metaphors and the power of suggestion to draw her readers into her world.

Would love to help you with your writing. You do have the gift and it is always a pleasure to find someone like myself. Hollaback.

interesting so far.

nice story line.

it would still be subject to editing though.

Wow.
Lawyerchap thats really good

i usually used to describe things alot

but pple where like i used to focus on the descriptiv

i guess i need to really balance it,

i love Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

ive read purple hibiscus lots of tymes n still enjoy it

Thanks Man!

Tpia,
it aint abt the editing ryt now
but thanks alot

i will get thet yellow sun one sha.

A good story addressing the issues of inexplicit birth. Imagine my nephew given birth to an albino when actually we could not trace absense of melanin to anyone. , a novel that will go places!

@Yicob

just shoo!




PART ONE

“All I could see about me
Was through other people’s eyes
And it wasn’t much.”
















1

Jadesola Adeyemi she filled in the space ‘Name’ on the application form of the most popular private university in the country, Victoria University, Lagos. She was hoping against all hopes that it would be a different experience. Looking back at her secondary school life which wasn’t particularly pretty, she vowed to make this forthcoming one better for herself.
She finished filling in the form and put it in its required envelope then went to check on her younger brother. She had just celebrated her seventeenth birthday and had already been through a lot just due to what nature had given to her. Most times she would think ‘is this actually a curse or a blessing?’ . She was dark in complexion, quite pretty and tall and had very very green eyes. No, they hadn’t changed to hazel but were still the same colour she had been born with. Her younger brother had been born five years after her, he was normal she had thought then, with brown eyes even the last girl, Damilola born seven years after her had the same normal colour, ‘why me’ she had wondered.
Their parents had travelled with Damilola after her birthday party, so she and Dare were alone in the house, Dare was asthmatic and had to be watched because he tended to do exactly what would cause an attack. But right now he was in the kids sitting room on the computer system, browsing.
“Dare eh what are you always looking for on the net?” Jadesola asked rhetorically playfully punching him on the shoulder.
“Oh Jay you are disturbing me now” Dare said, his face squarely fixed on the LCD screen not even turning for a glance.
“Mm ungrateful boy.” she said affecting a hurt tone but smiling warmly at the way he called her ‘Jay’ it was a name unique to him, others called her either JD (Pronounced ‘JayDee’) or Jade as in the gem, just then her phone rang.
“Hi, who’s this?”
“Hi, Jade how are you doing?” asked a familiar voice
“Oh! Rhea! Is this your number?”
“Yes, I got a new line”
“Where are you now?”
“Abuja!,”
“Really!, when are you coming back”
“By the end of this month”
“Alrighty,I’m sure your having fun”
“yeah!”
“Femi?” Jade asked imagining Rhea blushing.
“He’s fine”
“Good for you”
“Alright, Jade I just called to say hi. And please store this number I’ll see you in school”
“Sure.”
“I’m really missing you my tall green-eyed friend, ”
They both laughed.
“Bye”
“Later”
Wow, my only close friend, Jadesola thought moving towards the staircase. “Dare do you want anything?” she called…

Three weeks later,
Dad, Mum and Dami had come back. But at the moment Dami and Dare were at school for the third term, her parents at work. She was literally home alone since W.A.E.C exams she had nothing serious to do except apply to universities for admission and wait for the N.E.C.O and J.A.M.B exams as far as she was concerned she had already jacked for them. For the past week she had read some and, she would be going to the university grounds in a month’s time for VUET(Victoria university entrance test). But right now she felt bored out of her mind she didn’t even have any friend near by, Rhea had even gone back to Abuja and she felt it was too early to call anyone. She switched on the TV, flipped through the channels nothing even interesting…she thought. She then decided to take a nap it was just some minutes to 11:00 and the house was ‘sparklingly clean’.
Jade laid on the bright yellow sofa her favourite one in the sitting room and closed her eyes. She really wasn’t sleeping she began to reminisce about her life so far. It was like an entirely old chapter.

so she and Dare were alone in the house, Dare was asthmatic and had to be watched because he tended to do exactly what would cause an attack. But right now he was in the kids sitting room on the computer system, browsing.

very interesting.

When you're done, could you build up  Dare a bit. For example, describe the symptoms of his asthmatic attack- what he does, the effect on people around him, their reactions, and then the post asthma situation. Also, what exactly does he do that triggers an asthma attack?

lol

but the story isnt about Dare,

i know a bit about asthma, cos i have a sis whos asthmatic,

well i will look into it sha

, Pls am getting hooked to the story!

this is the Prologue of my second attempt at the story



1
Lagos,2005


The rain fell in steady torrents, creating great little rivers every where on the ground. A pair of sea green eyes stared out of the window it was very cold and dreary; in the school environ it appeared worse, Slate grey walls and matching aluminium roof.
The pair of eyes turned from the depressing scenery and focused on the room. It was a brightly-lit atmosphere with girls on their beds, laughing, chatting and playing. Final certificate examinations had just been concluded and everyone was technically free till the results come out in the next three months.
Those eyes belonged to a girl named Jadesola, a final year student of Eko Island Boarding school for boys and girls. Jadesola was a special girl, very special. So special that people were either frightened, jealous or plain wary of her. She managed to get one friend who left the school in her fifth year.
Jadesola Adeyemi was gifted in more ways than one and was prone to be introverted which was actually heightened by the circumstances around her.

Oh Gamine, these are beautiful!!!, they are all equally good but i think i like this last one best. I love writing also, i just started a book which i'm about giving up on but you've just fired me back up!. I'm going to continue with my story.

@Lawyerchap, nice guy. I enjoy your indepth analysis on topics raised on this forum. I wish i could write half as gud as you. You have such strong descriptive and narrative abilities. How do you do it?.

I heard about Chimamanda's Purple hibiscus & half a yellow sun. I heard they are great books, I'm yet to read them though. Do you have any useful links on good writing websites or referral materials on writing?, Pls i'd like to know.

Gamine, keep the good work up, your book would rock!

wow,
Zukkie thanks

that i inspired u again, thats huge!

i prefer the second one too

this is the continuation of the second attempt




Chapter one

I was born with these green eyes, neon green I’d call it. Wondering how, oh you’d probably be among those who would have looked upon me with ridicule. Oh! I’m just joking you have the right to feel anyway about this, just pay attention to my story.
To me they had been like a disfigurement, here I was a very dark child with bright green eyes. I always thought I looked like a mutant from one of those X-Men comic books. I actually used to wish the green eyes came with some special powers because from the very start of my life I had been insulted. As a child I can still remember someone calling me a witch…it was a terrible feeling and believe me I didn’t hesitate to act like one.
I simply didn’t have an understanding of who I was. There were times when I felt like bawling my eyes out. I didn’t have anyone to really turn to; even my family who tried to support me didn’t understand the torment I felt within.

Born on a cool morning in the month of April, my eyes as I was told startled the nurses assisting the doctor who delivered me. It even had them doing the sign of the cross because I was extremely strange-looking to them, I myself would have been shocked. Only the doctor smiled at me and later encouraged my mum. She had been in serious doubt, quite sure that her baby had been exchanged. But the doctor essentially made researches and thought it was some form of genetic mutation. It was very unexplainable since we had no Caucasian in our family line. I really don’t want to go into all the genetical conclusions but he advised my parents to go abroad for more explanations and test.


My parents being Christians didn’t want to go superstitious thinking I was probably an ogbanje or a devil child, they took the doctors’ advice and flew me out of Nigeria. I lived in the UK for three years shuttling between my parent’s flat and various genetic clinics; they also tried one in Spain. The doctors mostly said the same thing ‘genetic mutation’ but a few said it was still too early to find out and that I should come back when I’m much older My parents were even scared all the tests would probably damage my eyes so they decided to bring me back to Nigeria resolving to let me live a normal life.

Is this your Gamine? Do you want a critique?

Banderas whut r u saying

if u have constructive stuff to say, shoot.

Gamine, in addition to what Lawyer said, I'll start by commending your imagination - you've got a good one there. You also have the beginnings of a good story.

I however saw some slight punctuation problems in the first prologue:

1 - Through Heaven's eyes

1 - Not in the way - should be not from the way
Line 2 - It was the same colour he saw (The same colour as what? This is the first time you're mentioning the color)
Line 2-3 Same sentence, two "really"s. Find another word
Line 4 - "whose face was as if stamped with a smile?" Not a good choice of words. How about "whose face was frozen as if stamped with a smile". There has to be a look you're comparing to the "stamped with a smile"

2nd paragraph
Line 1 Looked at the mother, then they weren't even fair. Who's they? Then there should be a "." after the complexion.
Line 3 - the comma after relative should be a "." - you're changing the sentence.
Line 3 - Two "and"s in quick succession. Not good
Line 4 - "follow her up" is used twice. Try and find another phrase, like "follow this matter up"


Depending on your target market, these gliches will be picked up by editors/publishers, and it'll be a shame if your script ends up decorating someone's floor,

Also, lawyerchap appears to know quite a bit about these things - you haven't put in enough detail. Obviously we're seeing the entire thing through the doctor's eyes, try and put yourself in the doctor's mind and view the surroundings out of the doctor's eyes. "She was in a drugged sleep" might become "it would take a while for her to sleep of the medication he had given her".

But I like it, I like it.


Lawyerchap, what's up? I'm working on some stuff as well - more JRR Tolkein than Ngozi Adichie, perhaps you can do a critique for me as well,

hmmm

rather constructive

Thank u Bandy

[b]Chapter Three[/b]EkoValley

“Jadesola take care of your-self, if you need anything make sure you call” her mum had said. Her father held her hand, looked into the worried but cool eyes of jade. “My girl” he called her “you will be ok, let God be your guide He will protect you”. Then Jade had no personal conviction so he just spoke mere religious words to her. She was happy within but wanted to cling to her parents. Dare was laughing “Jade I’ll miss you”.
“I’m still coming home” she replied abruptly. “Daddy, mummy” she said with a plea. “I am just 10 yrs old”.
“Jade we’ve gone through this” her mum said adjusting Dami in her arms. Jades’ eyes filled with tears and she hugged them, don’t worry they told her waving as they entered the car. Jade waved until they were out of the gate.
She was walking straight to her room with her head down,she had wanted to wear glasses to avoid unnecessary stares but her dad had said no that she mustn’t be ashamed of what God gave her.
“Come here!” someone shouted breaking her thoughts she looked up by impulse. “I am talking to you” her eyes focused on a tall fair girl who was definitely older than her with at least 4 yrs and was standing in the midst of five other girls sitting just at the entrance of her hall of residence Adele Hall it was called with green its flag colour. She turned back to see if there was another person.
“ Ode!” another one said “come here jo!” She walked to meet them still with her head down rebuking silently that she wasn’t a ‘mumu’.
“Can’t you put your head up”. The one who called her ‘ode’ said as she got to their front.
“Chineke!” the fair girl exclaimed “you are wearing contacts”. They all began to clap their hands in jest and sigh in disbelieve. It brought a quick knowing smile to Jadesolas’ face here I go again she thought “I’m not” she said. “Shout up” they chorused
“so how come your eyes are like this? You are not even as fair as tomi” they said in the direction of the only girl that hadn’t talked, who was quite dark…”I don’t know” Jade said “it’s a genetic thing, ”
“Eh! I think its an ‘obanje’ thing” one said interrupting her and they all laughed “her eyes are like cat eyes, all those witchy kind of eyes” the girl continued
“Chioma, haba! leave the girl alone …where are you from?” “she’s Yoruba” someone suggested, “are you a quarter cast?” they bombarded her with questions, she felt like crying but steeled herself against it. After some 20 minutes, they let her go. As she moved into the hall she heard someone say ‘I have a bad feeling about her., at least we do biology and this can’t happen normally. She’s weird definitely, A freak if you ask me”
She ran to her room, the tears finally breaking free. She dove on her bed, God please change it, You have the power to change this she sobbed ignorantly.
Some hours later or so she thought, she heard some girls talking and giggling. She opened her eyes they felt sore, rubbing them she blinked and looked around the room which was a four-person room, definitely her classmates because all JSS 1 students where on one wing. The fresher wing it was nicknamed.
The girls, three of them where seated on the bed opposite hers. When they noticed she had woken up. One whispered to the girl in the middle with eyes locked on Jade. The girl’s eyes grew larger in fright or surprise, Jade wasn’t sure then but when they left the room looking at her in a funny way she knew what it was. “Why are people like this” she said holding her head in both hands as she sat up on the bed. “What am I going to do”
She looked around the room again, feeling hungry she got up, looked into her wardrobe for a novel and a crispy snack. Settling on her bed she disappeared into the book.
“Hello!” someone said in a tiny voice. At first Jade thought it was something from her thoughts until a shadow fell on her. She looked up
“I said hello” the girl whispered “I’m Rhea Adenuga one of your roommates”.Jade who was already very self-conscious noticed people down to their tiniest details.
Jade had been surprised the girl didn’t look taken aback or startled “I’m Jadesola Adeyemi” she finally said noticing how smallish she seemed with almost same skin colour as herself ,just some shades lighter and slanted dark brown eyes, her hair was in all-back style and it just grazed the collar of her shirt.
“Nice to know you” Rhea said putting the bag she had being carrying on her bed which was just after Jade’s.
Jade stood up not knowing what to say. “I guess they put the first A’s in this room” she offered lamely making an attempt.
“Yeah” Rhea replied arranging the things from her bag in her wardrobe
“Want one” she said handing a bar of Mars™ chocolate over to her
“Thanks” Jade said accepting it not wanting the girl to be offended.
“How come you have green eyes?” Rhea finally said “most people are talking about it, at least most of the people I met, saying I hope she’s not in my room, this and that”
Jade hung her head and just watched an ant run about absent-mindedly. “Are they so bad?” she asked wanting to hear someone’s opinion
Rhea shook her head “in poor light it may pass unnoticed but with daylight or really bright light it becomes very very noticeable but it’s actually beautiful”.
“Thank you” Jade croaked “It’s a genetic thingy …all the doctors I’ve met say some theory I can’t state but I’m not a witch, obanje or whatever you people think. I’m normal!”
“Please take it easy, I didn’t say anything” Rhea said moving over to hold Jade’s arm.
, ”Don’t worry people are just ignorant I’ll be your friend”

Yes the first day of secondary school had been a mix of bad and good and she couldn’t forget it.

Banderas:

Lawyerchap, what's up? I'm working on some stuff as well - more JRR Tolkein than Ngozi Adichie, perhaps you can do a critique for me as well,

@Banderas
Sorry, i haven't been to this thread for a while. Would love to do a critique for you. How do you want me to look at it? will you post it here or you want to do it privately? Anyway you can reach me at lawyerchap007@yahoo.com

reading a little bit of this story got me thinking, when i was doing my youth service, i got bored and i wrote a long shortish story , just thinking there isn't anything bad in posting it and you guys tell what you think, sincerely hope you enjoy it. , it kind of a romance novel, check it out

i am very sorry again, i hope you've been pacified

wow gamine,
u've got somethin special,real special.am tellin u to go on and learn the ropes ,perfectin ur skill.i'll be glad to buy ur book,anyday,anytime.
just remember,
be careful whose advice u buy but be patient with dose that supply it.
goodluck!

Slitty
Pacified?
whut happened

Anots,
thanks so much
thats very uplifting!!!

sorry Gemane, Slitty is angry cos i jocularly comented on the fact that she was posting her own stuff on your thread rather than start hers. i didnt expect her to get really angry.
i've said sorry on her new thread but i dont know if she's pacified.
since u were'nt complaining,i'll have to apologise for taking panadol for anoder person's palavar.

i dont even know if slitty's ought to be angry. it was my first thread and i was trying to be funny. look what i've done, she now gets angry with u.
do u now understand wats up?

oh yeah i understand now

and i will appreciate it more if u can spell my name correctly

Gamine, is that it?

It sure is!!

angel_empy:

sorry Gemane, Slitty is angry because i jocularly comented on the fact that she was posting her own stuff on your thread rather than start hers. i didnt expect her to get really angry.
i've said sorry on her new thread but i don't know if she's pacified.
since u were'nt complaining,i'll have to apologise for taking panadol for anoder person's palavar.

i don't even know if slitty's ought to be angry. it was my first thread and i was trying to be funny. look what i've done, she now gets angry with u.
do u now understand wats up?

i wasn't angry atall and please aren't you trying to cause disparities between 2 people? i realised my mistake immediately you pointed it out and i thought gamine must be annoyed at me that was y? i apologised,
anyway thats is not how to be funny.

@ gamine, the impression i got was that you were angry at me for posting on your thread, pls, i was not angry atall. i just felt wat was done was the right thing for me to do.

@angel_empy, i can now see wat you mean about been odd. and for the record, that is not a good way to go about life.