₦airaland Forum

Welcome, Guest: Join Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / New
Stats: 2,052,496 members, 4,414,079 topics. Date: Wednesday, 15 August 2018 at 08:06 PM

A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting - Family (4) - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting (8977 Views)

Did You Have Sex With your Spouse Before Marriage? / Celebrating Birthdays For February 29th Born Family Member? / Three Most Important Things To Know About Your Spouse Before Marriage (2) (3) (4)

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (Reply) (Go Down)

Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 9:50pm On Sep 03, 2011
NAJALYN:

When you discussed with your dad, you should have told him that your husband gave his consent that he should visit. And then proceeded to appeal to him to ask your husband as he is the head; just because you feel it is the right thing to do, not because your husband wants it to be so, simple. If you had done that, your father would have cooperated with you. Both of you will have to go to your dad to appologise. The only problem now is that you will never be able to convince your dad that your husband gave his approval for him to visit. He will feel that you are merely trying to protect your husband. Generally, I dont see why a family member, either from the man's side or the woman's side, should inform the couple before visiting. They should come whenever they wish to visit. Obtaining such permission is foreign to our culture.

The best and wisest quote today! I can see you have been married for quite sometime.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Mcleo007(m): 10:12pm On Sep 03, 2011
That is what is ideal. You dont just bump into people's homes like that. undecided
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by deadie(m): 10:47pm On Sep 03, 2011
Mcleo007:

That is what is ideal. You dont just bump into people's homes like that. undecided

Informing your daughter before a visit doesn't translate to 'bumping', does it?
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Sissy3(f): 12:17am On Sep 04, 2011
Quote from: pro01 on Yesterday at 01:03:40 PM
The idea of a visiting father in-law even sounds weird - especially if he intends to stay overnight or for several days. Very weird indeed. That role is typically for mothers and mothers in-law. Na wa for some agbaya men sef.


while its true that its usually the mothers who go visits that often especially in some cultural groups, i don't think it is that weird as you make it seem that the father would spend a few nights with her daughter and family before continuing on his journey.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Outstrip(f): 12:19am On Sep 04, 2011
My cue to leave the thread. I hope the poster got some good points from here. Jenny please don't even bother responding.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Theblessed(f): 12:55am On Sep 04, 2011
[b][size=16pt]Your see, the answer to this question is NEITHER / Nor - as our culture neither support the idea nor embraces it.

However, considering that we are living in a supposedly civilised world today, it is appropriate to inform anyone e.g. your inlaws/relatives/friends before you visit instead of throwing yourself and your burden on them because, each day has enough trouble of its own.  

Ask yourself this question - what if you turn up at their doors and they'd gone on holiday without letting family know, eh  shocked shocked shocked  In fact that would be a big lesson for you to learn next time, you plan to visit.  We all learn the hard way, don't we undecided undecided undecided

Do the right thing - let them know of your intention to visit, please!  

Also, it's time parents learn to respect their adult children and stop treating them like kids.  When your children have got children of their own, its time parents relinquish certain powers/control over their children and instead see them as friends/colleagues without loosing sight of your authority, as a parent.

There must be boundaries both should not cross in adulthood.


[/size][/b]
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by adanny01(m): 1:46am On Sep 04, 2011
Hey hey hey hey guys slow down with the arguements and listen and be reasonable.
What if the FIL wants some money from the couple? Would he call his f**king SIL or his lil baby? Can this f**king SIL respect his FIL if request like this come through him? This SIL is arrogant.
@poster, is it only the Senate president that can present bills? So any1 that wants to present a bill must present to the president first. Your father i guess is really be disappointed though he has no business at your house at this stage.
Moderator, i think we need a poll here to clearify this issue. Those in favour of the FIL notifying the SIL first say AYE. Those not in favour of the above say NAY.
The NAY'S have it! GBAMMMM!
SHIKENA
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by lanrefront1(m): 2:29am On Sep 04, 2011
@Thebless

What in God's name are you talking about?

Did you miss the part where it said the father called his daughter to inform him.

Then how exactly has tne father disrespected his daughter or son in law?

Jesus Lord, with tnis kind of mindset from our women folk, no wonder there are so many of them unable to hook up a man for marriage. No wonder marriages are scattering after two to three years now.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 6:57am On Sep 04, 2011
God Bless you Nashville, been married for 3 yrs my husband has never used the head of the house statement on me. Head of the house is not a ceremonial title its a responsiblity to love, care, orovide and protect your family. Its not a slogan to be thrown around by ignorant rude boys who suddenly find dem selves with a desperate girl who they can tell to eat poo and she will carry plate. A real husband knows the head of the house slogan to boast but he carries it in his heart and seals it as a covenant with God that just as God loved and cared for the church so will he love and care for his family. Head of the house means the man will go hungry if it means his meal will provide for his family, a real head of the house means if armed robbers come to the house he will rather die than let them touch a hair of his family, head of the house means he can sell even his blood to save his family, if u re a christain go and look at all the sacrifices Jesus went tru for the church that's what it means to be head of house not to turn urself into an arze a rude one.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 7:33am On Sep 04, 2011
//
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 7:58am On Sep 04, 2011
CC relax. This person is obviously not a newbie. If I showed my hubby half of what people call me here, I swear the amount of people serving time in kirikiri will be a lot grin.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by nike4luv(f): 8:01am On Sep 04, 2011
Ajirebi,
Defamatory comments and use of verbal abuse will not be tolerated on my section so please be careful.

Many thanks smiley
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 8:08am On Sep 04, 2011
//
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by denzel2009: 8:15am On Sep 04, 2011
nike4luv:

Ajirebi,
Defamatory comments and use of verbal abuse will not be tolerated on my section so please be careful.

Many thanks smiley

Shaki n'sebi ora



People should be used to Fstranger by now  cheesy
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 9:58am On Sep 04, 2011
I think responses to the original posts have taken different dimensions as a result of the different interpretations by different people. I think someone has also misunderstood the comments by TheBlessed (I clearly see where she is going).

The house belongs to the man and woman. They are free to invite/accept to host anyone close to them as long as they have the approval of the other party. Different circumstances in the house would determine whether or not the couple are ready and able to host anyone. The most important thing I believe is:

1. FIL wants to visit
2. FIL tell daughter 'My dear Marie, how are you doing? How is my dear SIL? I would be coming to visit you guys from Sunday and I plan to stay for 3 days.
3. Daughter says yes daddy etc
4. Speaks to husband and lets him know that his FIL is visiting.
5. Husband says 'Sure, that's no problem honey, how long is he staying for?'

The above is the perfect scenario.

It is not impossible that the FIL calls the SIL directly (for example if they both regularly watch footy together with Big Stout ).

Considering the not so perfect scenario, I personally would not visit a home if I felt they (the couple) were not BOTH comfortable hosting me or if my visit would potentially cause bad blood between them. I do not how many guys on here would visit the daughter regardless, even if he knew that the SIL was not comfortable with his visit.

Everyone is different eh?
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by adanny01(m): 12:03pm On Sep 04, 2011
@Divine, u are so correct.
Let me also enlighten some people. FIL/SIL RELATIONSHIP CANNOT BE COMPARED TO FIL/DIL RELATIONSHIP. In all in law relationships FIL/SIL is the weakest in a Nigerian setting and shud be handled with care. It also desires and deserve most respect.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by hannydarl(f): 3:24pm On Sep 04, 2011
Simple in short very simple matter If husband and wife love each other it doesn't matter who is told. Brother inlaw may call hubby to say hey can I drop in to say hello for two days? he may ask his sister who in turn asks the hubby. If the family was very united the wife knows already when it is convenient or not for visitors to come I.e they may have plans to travel for crusades or other programme planed or hubby is angry these days so no disturbance or they just dont want elderly visitor now cos they had a hectic week and plan to rest no strength to look after elderly inlaw who one will have to cook , clean, and wash for. or no cash to send the person back as at when the person has chosen to leave. but they will welcome visit from a younger visitor who will look after himself and even help them do some chores around the house or business.

When a visitor wants to visit my home they call who they are comfortable talking to and then the message is relayed to the other partner and what ever they both agree on about the visit is final. But like I said, its in a home where there is harmony. on the other hand if hubby always wants to show wife who is boss then he will complain about feeding her relatives when they visit without informing him, why she slept without waiting for him to come home first even if his food was prepared and is warm in the food flask, why her boss calls her on her mobile phone instead of his doesnt he know she has married sign stamped on her head? etc etc. in short why will she breathe without telling him.

All in all sha you know who you marry so if he wants you to report to him all that you do or that your people should ask him specifically before visiting since the house is his, you bear his surname, he paid your bride price, he is clothing you, and feeding you and hell he even made you sleep on a bed instead of on a mat etc etc of all he did for you. Then so be it so long as you want the marriage to last. Whether its fair of him or not is another topic.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 11:07pm On Sep 04, 2011
Daughter was unfair to her Dad. Hubby has no major fault here he did not pick up the phone and tell FIL to call him before he visits he simply told his wife what he would have preferred. This gal is just married and is trying to act in obedience to her hubby esp with all the advice she recveived not to be in submission to her husband she became overzealous. FIL has done nothing wrong.Before she became a wife she was first a daughter and will always remain a daughter.Next time do not disclose your private conversation with your hubby to your father.

Dnt act like you dropped from heaven and married and your husband is all that matters for goodness sake the oldman wasn't coming to live with you, he was just coming to visit.What is all the ceremony about.Most men are informed by their wives of who and which of the wife's relative is coming to visit and vice versa. If you begin to build walls so high around you and hubby you will soon be alone unless your family are the type that lack respect for themselves then you can draw the line. If not take a chill pill Papa just wants to visit his daughter and mayb get to knw his new son.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 11:11pm On Sep 04, 2011
^ meant to write "to be in submission to her husband".
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Ranoscky(m): 2:36am On Sep 05, 2011
Whoever the father informs is NO PROBLEM to me. Long as some1 in the house was informed about his coming. Left for that person to pass on the msg. I would only get angry with my wife (that is after the father had visited and left) if my wife was informed about his fathers coming and she didnt make it known to me.

Rano's take.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by tpia5: 3:42am On Sep 05, 2011
Next time do not disclose your private conversation with your hubby to your father.

seriously, loose lips sink ships.

hope the op has learnt from all this.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Ranoscky(m): 4:03am On Sep 05, 2011
But sometimes, wetin dey worry some men for head sef?. . .What is the big deal if the father announced the coming of his visit to his daughter?

Shey na crime? undecided. . . .Some Nigerians with their [b]f[/b]ucking [b]s[/b]tupid over ego mentality shaaa !!!
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by tpia5: 5:06am On Sep 05, 2011
op stop bringing your personal problems to nl.

stop asking virtual strangers to curse out your family for you- that's just d.aft.

i assume this isnt one of those fake threads.

find a respectable and matured person to advice you when you need it- i'm sure there must be some where you are.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Ranoscky(m): 8:08am On Sep 05, 2011
tpia@:

op stop bringing your personal problems to nl.

stop asking virtual strangers to curse out your family for you- that's just d.aft.

i assume this isnt one of those fake threads.

find a respectable and matured person to advice you when you need it- i'm sure there must be some where you are.
while you'r doing dsame!

What's with the 'daftness'?
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by ROSYL(f): 12:10pm On Sep 05, 2011
In the first place the father inlaw shud not be thinking of staying at his daughther and her hubby's if he desires to be respected. He shud hv asked the daughter for a hotel accomodation if he cannot afford it. Thats what my folks or inlaws would do. Mothers can visit and stay not fathers. I cant sleep under the same roof with my father inlaw.
I have begged my wife to beg her parents to atleast come and see our house since we got married months ago. They have not showed up even though they come to town every week saying there has to be a special event or reason for them to be there. My da will stay at the gate call me to come and meet him there but will nt come in. My wife will go out to greet him or if he is with my ma she comes in for a min while he is in the car honking da horn.
A father inlaw commands respect, he should not be found in his son inlaw's house where some respect is reserved for his son inlaw. This father inlaw got what he deserve though his daughter did wrong in asking him to seek permission from the son inlaw.


Shuuush! hotel accomodation indeed! so you will have the mind to allow your dad that worked so hard to get you to this stage in life to go and stay in hotel, while u have a comfy haus in same town, I tire for you I swear
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by emmatok(m): 9:02pm On Sep 05, 2011
ROSYL:



Shuuush! hotel accomodation indeed! so you will have the mind to allow your dad that worked so hard to get you to this stage in life to go and stay in hotel, while u have a comfy haus in same town, I tire for you I swear

Every family has its peculiarities.

In some families is it shameful for father in-laws to stay under his son in-laws roof.

It creates the impression that both men will be competing for  authority.

But the son in-law has authority over his house irrespective of whoever is living with him.

Baba should just stay away and let the young couple live their life.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by adanny01(m): 9:40pm On Sep 05, 2011
Rosyl, no offence intended. Am curious here, are you a real Nigerian or just fathered by a Nigerian(by that i mean, you just visit Nigeria). You dont seem to know the culture.
For example, how can the SIL who greets his Yoruba FIL belly flat on the hard cold floor be comfortable with his FIL under his roof?
In my father's house he holds the remote to the tv. In my house i hold the remote. In my father in law's house he holds the remote. Who will hold the remote in my house with my father in law in it?
For your information, if my father in law wants to stay in my house, i shall leave the house for him. 2 lions dont rule a pride!
Trust me, my father will never choose to sleep in my house if he's well and fit.
Not to even talk about my father in law who is more strict.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Outstrip(f): 9:54pm On Sep 05, 2011
emmatok:

Every family has its peculiarities.

In some families is it shameful for father in-laws to stay under his son in-laws roof.

It creates the impression that both men will be competing for authority.

But the son in-law has authority over his house irrespective of whoever is living with him.

Baba should just stay away and let the young couple live their life.




Please don't take this personally but is this not a backward mentality. Even if Ibring an elderly man off the streets who is dirty and stinky I will expect everybody even my husband to respect him not just as a human being but as an elderly person. What is in a house that people are feeling big about. Is this the way that people who have no achievements in life use to feel big. it is shameful. What is the authority in the home that someone is afraid that their father in law will come in and attempt a military coup. Please it is very unbecoming to talk like that. Maybe we need to start looking at resumes before we marry our sisters out. If someone has nothing in life to be proud about besides the fact that he has married somebody then just let him be. This sort of person will go to work and his boss will tell him to face the wall and he will do it but then come home and become Doctor Barrister President Mr Husband who everybody must know at all times is IN CHARGE.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by emmatok(m): 10:14pm On Sep 05, 2011
Outstrip:


Please don't take this personally but is this not a backward mentality. Even if Ibring an elderly man off the streets who is dirty and stinky I will expect everybody even my husband to respect him not just as a human being but as an elderly person. What is in a house that people are feeling big about. Is this the way that people who have no achievements in life use to feel big. it is shameful. What is the authority in the home that someone is afraid that their father in law will come in and attempt a military coup. Please it is very unbecoming to talk like that. Maybe we need to start looking at resumes before we marry our sisters out. If someone has nothing in life to be proud about besides the fact that he has married somebody then just let him be. This sort of person will go to work and his boss will tell him to face the wall and he will do it but then come home and become Doctor Barrister President Mr Husband who everybody must know at all times is IN CHARGE.

I am not ready to go that abusive road with you.

Their is a major difference between an old man and the Father in-law.

In Nigeria here we know regular conflicts between MIL/DIL and SIL/FIL.

In-fact most marriage counselors do advice in-laws to stay away for newly wedded couples to avoid these conflict.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Outstrip(f): 10:27pm On Sep 05, 2011
emmatok:

I am not ready to go that abusive road with you.

Their is a major difference between an old man and the Father in-law.

In Nigeria here we know regular conflicts between MIL/DIL and SIL/FIL.

In-fact most marriage counselors do advice in-laws to stay away for newly wedded couples to avoid these conflict.






Are we the only people in the world thatget married? Why should it be special. He was not staying. No one would advice in laws to go sit int hehome of newly wedded people. You are talking about a general situation. You cannot say you are making sense when you insist that a man visiting with his family might be perceived as wrestling for "power". The stretch is unreal. You have to have a complex yourself to even think that. Let the man come if he misbehaves then you know how to handle it from then on. I cannot imagine people actually subcribe to the idea that FIL should not visit. As if you throw away your children when they marry. When it suits Nigerians they will either say you marry the whole family or FIL's should not live under the same roof as their children. So which one is it. I know. It is the one that is more backward that will be embraced by Nigerians.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by adanny01(m): 10:29pm On Sep 05, 2011
@Outstip, i dont think its about the house itself. Its about comfort and respect.
Am sure you've heard stories or experienced a conflict between mothers in law and daughters in law. Most times its just some mothers in law trying to teach their daughters in law how to manage their homes in contrast with what the daughters were thought by their own mothers.
Other scenarios apply. There conflicts can be avoided if parents allow their children to sort themselves out. Simply by staying away and interfering only when absolutely necessary.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 12:51am On Sep 06, 2011
Interesting thread. . .despite the arrival of the old - still single - and therefore bitter-at-men spinster(s).

@ Topic
All in all it appears there was a pre-existing undercurrent of tension in the relationship between both men (FIL and SIL) - hence what seems like an ego war between both of them. Anyone who thinks a normal man doesn't have ego should think again. Every man with modest achievement of any kind necessarily has an ego. Deflating one's ego (especially through condescension, humiliation or insult of any kind) could lead him to engage in what may be considered irrational acts - could even drive him to unspeakable cruelty.

Perhaps the FIL was somewhat condescending or unapproving towards the SIL when he came to marry his daughter? If this was the case, then it is understandable why the SIL would be averse to the idea of the SIL *condescendingly* telling his daughter that he'll be coming to the house - as if implying that he doesn't need to deign to inform the SIL. Obviously in such a case there would still be a carry-over of the latent unease. Believe it or not these ego issues are inevitable when one party feels the other is condescending towards him. I don't think the SIL would have made an issue out of that if he always had a warm relationship with the FIL, and if he felt that the FIL treated/received him with dignity and consideration ab initio. In fact the egotistical reaction of the FIL (angrily cancelling his proposed visit because his daughter asked him to inform the SIL) provides more evidence about the tension and ego war between both men. It didn't start today. A more graceful and dignified FIL with a clear mind would have simply called his SIL - and perhaps exchanged banters sef; no big deal. The SIL's unease and the FIL's cantankerous reaction clearly suggests that there is more to the issue than meets the eye; an undercurrent of distrust, disapproval pre-dating the actual marriage.

It is often inappropriate to take human beings' reactions to things at face value. In many cases there are always unstated, implicit, gradually built up, or subconscious catalysts for our reactions - perhaps due to our perceptions, experiences or notions with regard to the situation at hand. All things considered, the matter at hand is not as straightforward as it seems.

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (Reply)

Married Men Only-how Do You Cope Without Sex / Unhappy In Marriage, Pls Advice! / Channels Tv Newscaster Loses Husband 5 Months After Wedding

(Go Up)

Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket

Links: (0) (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9)

Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2018 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 560
Disclaimer: Every Nairaland member is solely responsible for anything that he/she posts or uploads on Nairaland.