i beg laff small jare, no be say u dey even eash ur mouth.


nice joke darling

You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the
same stuff?

A man is upset because he can't get an erection
anymore. He goes to the doctor and the doctor
says that he has something that might help but he
doesn't know if the man wants to try it. The man
asks,"Well, what is it?" The doctor tells him
that it consists of putting the muscles of an
elephants trunk in his peni$. The man is all for
it anything that will make him be able to get
hard again.

Around two weeks later he is out with his
girlfriend and he is feeling kinda funny. He
decides to undo his zipper since he is only going
to be sitting at the table. All of a sudden his
peni$ comes out of his pants, reaches across the
table, grabs a roll, and disappears back under
the table.

His girlfriend is amazed by this. Do it again! Do
it again! she screams. I would, the man says, but
I don't think that I can fit another roll up my
a.s.s!

hhmm

A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he
is driving above the speed limit. He notices a
police car with its red lights on in his rearview
mirror. He thinks "I can out run this guy," so he
floors it and the race is on.

The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70,
80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his
speedometer passes 100, the guy figures 'what
the hell'" and gives up.

He pulls over to the curb. The police officer
gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've
had a really lousy day, and I just want to go
home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you
go!"

The man thinks for a moment and says, "Three
weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer.
When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I
thought you were that officer and you were trying
to give her back."

"There were three men, an Irishman, an Englishman
and a Welshman, and they all climbed up to the
top of a cliff. At the top they met a man, and
the man said "If you can take your watch and drop
it down the cliff, catch it again and bring it
back up I will give you $500."

The Welshman thought he could do it, so he
dropped his watch and ran all the way down to the
bottom of the cliff, and he came back up with his
watch in pieces.

The Irishman thought he could do it as
well, so he dropped his watch and jumped down
the cliff and came back with his watch intact,
but he was on a stretcher.

The Englishman thought he could do it as well,
so he dropped his watch and walked slowly down
the cliff, and he came back up with his watch
working.

The man said, "How in the world did you do that?"
"I set my watch back two hours," said the
Englishman.

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality
controller at the local wood mill. The manager
calls the blind man into his office and asks him
how he expected to do this job since he was
blind. The blind man replied he would do it by
smell. The manager decides to test him and places
a piece of wood in front of him. The manager
asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind
man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir."
"Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one."
"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind
man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on
the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up
her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans
face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “can
you turn it around?" The secretary turns around
and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says,
"Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly
what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house
door off a tuna boat!"

Mrs. Stuart goes to a brand new gynecologist. As
he's examining her, he cant help but say, "Mrs.
Stuart, that is the biggest vagina I have ever,
seen."

When she gets home, she decides to have a look
for herself. She takes a big mirror off the wall
and lays it on the floor. She then takes off all
her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her
legs, and looks down. Just then, her husband
walks in early from work.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks. She
quickly replies, "Umm, I'm just exercising."

He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the
big hole."

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts
dialing numbers, like a telephone, on his
hand and talking into his hand. The bartender
walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very
hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand
because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to
the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand
and carries on a conversation. "That's
incredible", says the bartender, "I would never
have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with
my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way,
where is the men's room?" The bartender directs
him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10,
20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the
bartender goes into the men's room. There is the
guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are
pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up
his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob
you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just
waiting for a fax."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit
after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a
male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was
experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have
really helped, but I'm afraid that you`re giving
me too much. I've started growing hair in places
that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is
a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone.
Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles."

A man was walking along the street when he saw a
ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would
do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud,
upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly
woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success"
she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the
ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a
slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the
eye.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she
said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well
carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive
lady who, this time, was actually quite
desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to
success" she said. As he turned her down and went
on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that
this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim,
attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or
climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and
being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400
pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies
buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's
Cess!"

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on
a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000
Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping
one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over
and asks the bartender what he has to do to win
the prize. "You have to do three things and it's
all yours," the bartender says. "Just three
things?"

The guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining
about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What
are the three things?" "Well," the bartender
says, "first you have to go over to that 200
pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've
got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who
needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and
make the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs go
nuts."

"No problem," the guy says. He struts over
to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal yourshoelace is
untied." When the bouncer looks down at his
shoes, the man flattenshim with a single, solid
uppercut. Next he heads to the back room where
the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a
tremendous commotion from the back room--it
sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy. After a
few minutes the man emerges from the backroom,
quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that
needs her tooth pulled??

These three blondes where going to purchase a
Christmas tree but they then decided to go into
the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I wont a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends and said "I promise the next
tree we come across we'll chop it down and
take it home and we wont care if it decorated
for Christmas or not."


MERRY XMAS TO Y'ALL in advance

lol
mykali close those rabbit looking teeth.

wow migines your jokes are great

hmmmmmmm

sexyLeamon:

wow migines your jokes are great

Thanks girl. . . . . .SEPT 11. . . . .perfect day to register on nairaland.

A man comes home from work to find his wife in
the bedroom, packing her suitcase.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear
they pay $400 for a Mouth Gig there."

The man thinks for a minute, then gets his
suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes.

"What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers.
"I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

Q. How do you make your girlfriend
scream when you're having sex?

A. Phone her up and tell her.

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who
invited him out for a few beers after work. The
man said that his wife would never go for it,
that she does not allow him to go drinking
with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested
a way to overcome that problem:

"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house,
slide down under the sheets, gently pull down
your wife's panties, and give her MouthAction. Woman
love it, and believe me, she'll never mention
that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and
enjoyed himself. Late that night he sneaked into
the house, slid down under the sheets, gently
slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral
sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but
after a little while, he reaized he had to take
a leak , so he told her he'd be right back, got
out of bed and walked down the hall to the
bathroom. When he opened the door and went in,
he was very suprised to see his wife sitting
on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked

"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my
mother!"

What is Bill's definition of safe sex?

When Hillary is out of town.

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in
Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won
$100,000.

He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he
decided not to return with the others, but took
a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m.

He immediately went out to the backyard of his
house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The following morning he walked outside and found
only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading
from the hole to the house next door, which was
owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a
professor who understood sign language and was a
friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the
enraged man went to awaken the professor and
dragged him to the deaf man's house.

'You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me
back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!' he
screamed at the professor.

The professor conveyed the message to his friend,
and his friend replied in sign language, 'I hid
it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.'

The professor turned to the man with the gun and
said, 'He's not going to tell you. He said he'd
rather die first.'

;d ;d ;d

you don't even know how to laugh

so teach him.

like this      eeeeeeeeeeeeee

nt like dat but like ds