Good day all, I never thought I can come on Nairaland to share my story and seek help, it took lots of courage for me to share this here, it is so unfortunate that I find myself in this situation seeking help from well meaning Nairalanders. I am sorry it is going to be long.

My husband and I dated for 3 years before getting married in late 2020, during courtship, we used to be best of friends, he was very loving, caring and near perfect (he never showed any trace of being abusive and violent) though I never expected him to be perfect because it is only God who is perfect. He portrayed himself to be perfect not knowing all were deceits and a tactic to get me to marry him(this he later confessed in one of our conversations after marriage). His true color began to show just two months after our wedding. He told me he never loved me but he didn't want to let me go because I have all the qualities he wanted in a woman and also considering his age, he needed to settle down. He also said he hid his character away from me because he didn't want to lose me because most ladies he dated in the past all left him because of his character (he is narcissist) and vowed never to show anyone he's going to marry his true personality.

Before we got married,I was working and doing well for myself but along the line i lost my job (during covid 19), but was able to save some money which i planned to start a business with, he assured me he was capable of taking care of me and our unborn kids that i should not bother looking for any job since none was forthcoming ( I wish i didn't fall for his lies) and i decided to start a small business with my savings after settling down which we both agreed to because I am an advocate of being independent before getting married

After we got married, i brought up the topic about starting my business with ny savings because i don't like depending on my man for my needs, he told me to be patient with him and wait after he set up a business for his mum first because the mum was not working at the moment also. I begged him to allow me to use the remaining money I have left (I used some for the wedding( to start up something for myself. I believe this shouldnt stop him from setting up a business for mum which he blatantly refused and I dare not challenge his authority, whatever decision he makes stands.

The main challenge now is he gets angry and beats me at any simple provocation even when I was pregnant ,He doesn't provide for us again especially when we have a misunderstanding, He sees not providing and beating as a measure to reset my brain or punish me.Whenever we have any issues, i am always the one who tries to settle it and beg him even when I am not at fault for peace to reign, he is a control and respect freak, whatever decision he makes in the home stands, i dare not challenge him even when i am not pleased with his decisions all because he is the head of the family(in his words) which i don't dispute.

We recently relocated to a new apartment in the outskirts of Lagos, a week after his younger brother came to live with us and ever since the burden of feeding and running the home has been on me, he no longer provides for either me or our child, he claimed he didn't have money to buy food stuffs after paying the rent and he also stopped eating at home but i continued to feed his brother. Whenever there is a misunderstanding between us he would start yelling and insulting me and my family, beating and also keeping malice with me. He became very aggressive, violent and toxic, there was no communication between us again because I didn't know what I would say that may get him angry so I avoided arguments by all means.(I am not the nagging type, instead I keep quiet and listen more).

The abuse, maltreatment and domestic violence was getting too much, he always beat me and insults my family at any slight provocation, I can't count how many times he has beaten me in just 2 years plus of marriage. He is so toxic,yells at me, aggressive, violent and also stopped taking care of his child's needs.
The last straw that broke the camel's back was that he physically abused me again in January which almost caused me my life.I was already going into depression which affected my mental health.He didnt care if we existed again or not. He was not providing for either me or his child again but was always sending money to his mum. He would buy food stuffs for himself and his brother and kept it in the parlor and ate it alone with his brother not minding whether I or his daughter had eaten or not.
I fell sick and struggled to take care of myself and our daughter alone but the sickness and emotional trauma was getting worse so i told him i wanted to go to my parent's house to treat myself for 2 weeks since he didn't care about us anymore
He said I can leave but I shouldn't go with our baby(the child he was no longer providing for and sometimes yelled at her probably because of our differences but why take it out on the innocent child?), it took the intervention of his uncle before he allowed me to go with her because i am still breastfeeding her, i asked him about taking responsibility for his daughter, he said since i insisted on going with her then i should consider our marriage over and said he is never going to be responsible for his child that since i have decided to take her along with me then i should be responsible for her alone and that i should never come back to his house again.I have been the one taking care of her needs financially even when I was still in his house. I finally left with my daughter in April when the abuse was getting worse and life threatening (I chose to leave in order to live for my child) and he didn't feel remorseful about all this(the physical abuse, neglecting his responsibilities, insulting me and my family etc) instead he was playing the victim card. Since we left he has not called to even ask of his daughter, even his mum and his brother have not called us, although his aunt has been checking up on us because she knew everything I was going through.


Please I need help and a way forward from kind hearted nairalanders. I am seeking a job either hybrid or remote job, business that will enable me to cater for my child. I graduated from one of the federal universities in the country where I studied Economics (second class upper grade).I have over 3 years work experience in a financial institution, i am a fast learner and very hard-working.
I also have knowledge in html, css and javascript(willing to learn more and any other digital skill that i can earn from).
P.S: I will try and answer all questions sincerely if any.
I wish he is on nairaland to share his own side of the story
Thanks in anticipation

U women are always good in playing the victim anytime things goes wrong in a relationship, " always claiming that men deceived u people, whereas u women are the ones deceiving yourselves"

My only concern is the child. No man or woman should ever let his/her child suffer no matter what. Every child out there deserves to be well taken care of.

ok

Sadly so many women are still stuck and locked up in this same ship as yours praying to God to change their abusive n nasty husbands.

News flash....sorry he'll never change,if you want them to change,simply organize boys to reset their brains and acts Asif nothing happened.

87percent of Nigerian husbands are toxic,so it's best if you press same dinner down their disgusting throat.

My apologies to the remaining decent men.
Imagine the doofuz not providing food for his kid,his own blood.

That's why I always tell women,before going into marriage make sure you have something solid doing,save as much as you can.



To those that re going to quote me and spew nansense,the ogbanje doing me this noon is promax not a good one o,so be warned.

Verywickedman come and see your hand work.

One part that amuses me most in all these spouse bashers is that they dare not try such with their bosses or even their neighbors. Why then do they do the same to their wives?

OP, you sound intelligent and I would suggest pending when you decide what you want from the marriage, report him at the ministry of justice so that he can be made responsible to at least provide for his daughter.

As for you, should you want to continue in the marriage, please ensure you have your economy first so that he understands you are not at his mercy. Your family should make it known that the next time he lifts his fingers to touch you (in a hurtful way), they will organize touts that will rearrange him physically and this should be made known to his family too. In our local Palance, na madness we dey take cure madness.

Aaah this one pass me o

What I have to tell you is never go back to him until you've fully made something of yourself.
Even then, only you can decide whether or not you want to go back (under some very strict conditions).
If there's one thing some cowardly men fear the most, it is a successful woman who can hold her own.
So, never leave yourself at the mercy of anyone.
Be all that you can be.
Money stops a whole lot of nonsense.

Hmmmmmmm

You should be proud of yourself for leaving. Some women would rather die at the hands of their abusers than leave but you did the right thing for yourself and child.

This cold and harsh behaviour from your husband is not normal at all. This kind of resentful treatment from him is as if he was under a spell before the marriage and now the spell is broken.

Well, i am joking o. Because how can a very loving and peaceful man suddenly turn into a monster? You said you dated for 3years before marriage are you telling me he pretend so well that you didn't detect any redflag? And how comes his mum and siblings are one his side? Are you sure they were in support of your marriage?

How are we sure you aren't the one who pressured him into marrying you maybe you considered your age and time? If at all it was the reverse, he should be affectionate towards his child at least.

Anyway, there is always three sides to a story, the victim side, the accused and the truth. We need to hear his sides before passing any judgement.

I sympathize with you but some parts of your story are unbelievable. The other side of the story needs to also be heard.

You said you're quiet and always let him decide on everything so I wonder why he beats you at every provocation.

He doesn't provide for you, that I can understand especially if he is a sadist but his daughter? I doubt that one for now until I hear his side of the story.

I've found out that abusive men are often married to troublesome women who make it easy for them to continue the physical abuse. The resultant effect of the abuse gets priority attention making it hard for anyone to think about the wives' attitudes that necessitate and fuel it.

Good wives frustrates abuse especially physical abuse and most times, what these abusive men do is to change or they start abusing other people beneath their societal status like subordinates at work places, family members, domestic servants, drivers, gate men including their mechanics just to keep their wickedness warm.

I hope you get the help you seek. I wish you lots of love and peace in your future endeavors.

New format.

1Sharon:
New format.

May we know your reasons please?

ahnie:

May we know your reasons please?

Sob stories painting themselves pitiful and helpless is their tactic

Sorry o

1Sharon:


Sob stories painting themselves pitiful and helpless is their tactic

Seems she's not much of a talker,she has bn on nairaland for some couple of years and has few posts in her credit.

I don't think she's faking it.

Some men with their animalistic nature, how do you derive joy in beating the woman you care to love?

Not to even abandoned your child...

Na wa ooo

So heartbreaking (That’s if this is true).

Graduated with a 2.1 in economics from a federal university yet you subjected yourself to this kind of ordeal

So if he refused to let you leave, you wouldn’t have left? Someone that you should have blocked him and his family everywhere and face your front and future, you’re still whining about them not calling you after all you said you went through. Abi what did I just read sef?

Women!!! Abeg you people should stop falling hand. You should be thinking of how to write ICAN or ACCA and up your game if economics would not get you the job of your dreams.

What about your coursemates etc in the university?Your colleagues while you were in the financial institution? This is the time for networking.

IFor your first paragraph, i wondered same too but I know it is spiritual because his Dad never supported our marriage but I got to know this just a week to our wedding so because of that his parents are not in talking terms till now (his mum was in support).

His mum and sibling were in support of our wedding and they were caring also. He is the breadwinner of their family, if they do otherwise, you know the implication already?. The mum was really pained because i took the bold step to leave with my daughter, they never imagined i could do such thing( I feel thats the reason they didnt call us till now). She always want me to endure all the abuse while praying that everything will be fine someday. Whenever i report any issue to her about her son, she was always of the opinion that I beg my husband even when its obvious i was not at fault just for peace to reign.

Please note i didnt pressure him into marriage because I was even trying to get another job then before thinking about settling down. I married him as a virgin.

Thank you

ahnie:

Seems she's not much of a talker,she has bn on nairaland for some couple of years and has few posts in her credit.

I don't think she's faking it.

You are right @ahnie

Hanneque:

IFor your first paragraph, i wondered same too but I know it is spiritual because his Dad never supported our marriage but I got to know this just a week to our wedding so because of that his parents are not in talking terms till now (his mum was in support).

His mum and sibling were in support of our wedding and they were caring also. He is the breadwinner of their family, if they do otherwise, you know the implication already?. The mum was really pained because i took the bold step to leave with my daughter, they never imagined i could do such thing( I feel thats the reason they didnt call us till now). She always want me to endure all the abuse while praying that everything will be fine someday. Whenever i report any issue to her about her son, she was always of the opinion that I beg my husband even when its obvious i was not at fault just for peace to reign.

Please note i didnt pressure him into marriage because I was even trying to get another job then before thinking about settling down. I married him as a virgin.

Thank you

@fyzaila

Don't waste your life because of marriage. Good to see you take a step towards total liberation. What you need now is a job. So spend more time on job portals, work on your cv, and go explore the world.

How can we help you?

You seem to be doing good by escaping the narcissist. Three years of courtship is a long time, I am sure you must have seen some red flags and decided to get married with the hope that he will change.

You are lucky to escape. Imagine having to need a permission before going into a business with your own money! That is how bad the narcissist has destroyed your self-esteem.

You can always start from the scratch, Look for a job or learn a trade and start from there. Do NOT ever go back no matter what anyone says.

Best of luck.

Citing the connotation of your submissions, you're a sententious woman. So, all of the things you've passed through in his hands were unfortunately inevitable under the setting and general circumstances in the union.

The frequent condescending nonoral demeanor of a typical sententious spouse towards their other half does irk and kill them faster than the oral and physical confrontation of an overt abuser. Work on yourself. Every form of abuse is bad.

Of course, I don't hold a brief for him. He could do better on his own part.

Hanneque:
■ IFor your first paragraph, i wondered same too but I know it is spiritual because his Dad never supported our marriage but I got to know this just a week to our wedding so because of that his parents are not in talking terms till now (his mum was in support).

His mum and sibling were in support of our wedding and they were caring also. He is the breadwinner of their family, if they do otherwise, you know the implication already?. The mum was really pained because i took the bold step to leave with my daughter, they never imagined i could do such thing( I feel thats the reason they didnt call us till now). She always want me to endure all the abuse while praying that everything will be fine someday. Whenever i report any issue to her about her son, she was always of the opinion that I beg my husband even when its obvious i was not at fault just for peace to reign.

Please note i didnt pressure him into marriage because I was even trying to get another job then before thinking about settling down. I married him as a virgin.

Thank you

1. There is absolutely nothing spiritual about any of what you described took place in your marriage. You married into a situation that didn't favor you and didn't run out as soon as the signs revealed themselves is what it is. It happens. So work on accepting it as it really did happen, as opposed to giving it dimensions without meaning, so you can bounce back quick from it all.

Something just doesn’t make sense about your situation

All these big grammar ontop common advice.my brother, you're doing well.

RightToReject:
Citing the connotation of your submissions, you're a sententious woman. So, all of the things you've passed through in his hands were unfortunately inevitable under the setting and general circumstances in the union.

The frequent condescending nonoral demeanor of a typical sententious spouse towards their other half does irk and kill them faster than the oral and physical confrontation of an overt abuser. Work on yourself. Every form of abuse is bad.

Of course, I don't hold a brief for him. He could do better on his own part.

I bow to your grammar,after you na nobody.

Hanneque:


You are right @ahnie

First of all sorry for thr abuse you went through from that beast of a man

I don't care if you are the cause of his problem, but he is just wicked and most wicked men vents their anger on their woman because they believe that's where they can show their strength on

I may not have a job to offer to you

But for your own sanity and for the good life of your daughter

Forget about that man for now and find your square root as soon as possible

If possible consider yourself not having anything to do with him

Marriage is not bye force

Go and find your bearing and once you can stand again on your feet, start a new life of self happiness

You escape death from his hand and may meet that death if you enter his hands again

Just face your child and rearrange your life

He will come to you when he doesn't get any woman to torment

But that may be the worst offer if you accept it

All you need now is to find your bearing that's all so that you can have a voice and some money with you

Hanneque:

@fyzaila

Okay Let's hold on the spiritual aspect because this is not normal. Have you been praying fervently about this whole situation?
Probably he has stepped on toes while dating and they've sweared for him. I don't believe it works sha. But one thing i am certain of, there is always a repercussion for every thing one do on this earth good or bad.

Sorry you're just a victim of his past shenanigans. It's a good decision that you left while you're still intact. I just hope you're able to find something doing asap even though it is a teaching job, it's better than staying idle or relying on someone. Because you have to take care of yourself and your child. The country get as e bi now o.

See, no body should cajole you into going back to that lions den called marriage. Maybe when he has turned a new leaf and you're convinced about that, then you can consider.