I met a man, we have been dating for over a year and talking about marriage



- he is tall and handsome (there are 3 things that I don't really like about his appearance, but they can be worked upon and I am not the most beautiful in the world)

- he is super healthy, takes care of himself

- he earns 77,000 dollars a year (before tax), and is likely to get more and more money in his career as he progresses

- he is in the process of buying his first property this year

- he is educated and has a good job

- he has all the qualities i look for in a man: kind, caring, thoughtful, considerate, funny, family-orientated, generous (took me on trips abroad, etc) and more. Nobody is perfect, he also has unresolved trauma, but again these things can be worked upon

- he loves God

- we have similar hobbies: travelling, events, he is literally my person and the male person of me



HOWEVER!



He doesn't talk to his dad or his dad's side of his family because in my opinion, his mother has brainwashed him against them. He also doesn't talk to his mother's side of the family (she doesn't talk to them either). He doesn't talk to his siblings, except 1, despite living in the same house. His mother doesn't like me, as she feels like I am taking him away from her and she doesn't like people from my country. She has tried to interfere and break us up, but he has stood firm and now she has said she doesn't want to be involved in our relationship. This is very hurtful for me. I am concerned that she could cause problems for us in our relationship and marriage. He gives over half of his salary to his mother every month (she doesn't work as she struggles to work because she has depression that is debilitating), but he says he will stop once he moves out. I believe that it takes a village to raise a child, and I am concerned that it will just be me, him, our kids, and my family. I am not welcome in his mother's house, and I have said that if I am not welcome there, I don't think it is approrpiate for him to still visit, just like if I was welcome somewhere and my husband wasn't - I wouldn't go. That person will then change up and act accordingly to make my partner feel welcome, but I think he is just enabling bad behaviour. I am scared he will one day resent me or accuse me of affecting the relationship with his original family. He has said that he plans to just have two families (me/the kids.. and his mother/sibling he talks to) and I am scared it will be a case of a man having two "wives", pivoting between two households, being the man of both households. I don't want to share my husband!



Would you marry a man that was the perfect man for you, but his family wasn't good/his mother did not like you?

A man would end up treating his wife how he treated his mother

Since he is a good man and financially ok

Try and build a relationship with his mum

Visit for weekends and see if you guys are compatible

Major things women drag are territorial.. so stay off her kitchen if she doesn't ask for help

Women will marry anything so long as he has money.

Cruise777:
A man would end up treating his wife how he treated his mother

Since he is a good man and financially ok

Try and build a relationship with his mum

Visit for weekends and see if you guys are compatible

Major things women drag are territorial.. so stay off her kitchen if she doesn't ask for help

he abandoned his dad when he gott sick because he cut his dad off due to parnts bad marriage

does hat mean he can also abandon me?

this woman has caused many issues in our relationship

i tried to build a relationship she isnt interested

Sxyhalima:


he abandoned his dad when he gott sick because he cut his dad off due to parnts bad marriage

does hat mean he can also abandon me?

this woman has caused many issues in our relationship

Hmmn

Red flag...

Marriage is for life so your choice is critical and you must open your eyes wide

Sxyhalima:
i tried to build a relationship she isnt interested

There's almost no mum that likes their daughter in-law at first sight...y'all just pretend with "awwwwwwnn" ..."u are so beautiful" .…."my son brought home a fine geh" ..etc....

U too will soon become a mum naaa.....na so all of una be.....there's no mother that trust the life and welfare of her son into another woman's hand the son meet from God knows where.... Some mothers don't just know how to hide their own

.the likeness usually comes later later after many encounters when they see u too are a pleasant person (if u are ooooo) and like a daughter to them..

.u are the one technically invading...so pay ur dues as a daughter in-law to her...weda she's showing u face or not...she will either come to love u or leave u alone....

.U go dey alright....

Cruise777:



Hmmn

Red flag...

Marriage is for life so your choice is critical and you must open your eyes wide

Which marriage is for life.... Na United states she dey ooooo....2 mins..any small thing..... Dem don divorce for that place

Mama nor gree.......What is Marriage when husband Mama no gree Consent??

If his family doesn't like you, leave him alone

You should marry him. From all you have explained above, the man is "strong willed". As a "strong willed" person that he is, it will be difficult for anyone to manipulate him in his marriage to you, unless the person uses diabolic powers. There is no perfect relationship anywhere, you may meet another one, and he's a broke cheat or has other issues.

I am trying to understand what would cause such hatred in his mother's heart. If she is not a diabolical woman, then don't bother much. If she refuses to visit you or talk to you, then so be it. However, it is totally wrong for your man to say that he will stop giving her allowance monthly when he moves out. Don't support such, he should continue to give his mom financial support, but it doesn't have to be half of his salary like you mentioned.

Your man at least has a sibling he talks to. You have to encourage him to forgive his dad. Send Goodwill messages to his mom from time to time.

I wouldn't and would never go into any family in the name of marriage if my potential husband's family don't like me. If i sense any form of dislike from them i am backing out let alone this your case where they show you theirs to your face.

Besides do you even know the meaning of kind? it looks to me that you're mistaken his generosity for been kind. A kind person is simple, gives without barrier and has a forgiving heart. Its doesn't seem like this guy of yours is. How can he abandon his sick dad in the hospital all because of family grudges? And he is even saying he will stop giving his mom allowance if he moves out with you.

How is all this things sounding in yours ears? Remember you're a woman and will become a mother-in-law someday, will you be happy a woman come into your sons life and your son abandon his family because of her? You better think twice.

My advice for you is two,
1. You have to find a way of making his mom and siblings to make peace so that they can absorb you too.
2. If you can't do all that in the first, then back out.

My dear, what you call toxicity, is what I see as a strong willed character. Only God knows the depth of pain the young man may have gone through while growing up. His kinds do not even want to love a woman, but this one is ready to love and protect his woman from his malfunctioned family. No one desires to find themselves in such a situation, but life happens. I am talking from experience, cuz i have bad relatives I don't talk to.

As long as he is ready to stand by her, fine, but she has to be careful not to offend him deeply, because people like him can hardly forgive. People marry orphans, people marry partners who are an "only child"? No diggidies, life goes on.

Klass99:


Strong willed kwa? I don die 🤣....Favvy please explain it to me, what gave you the impression that her man is strong willed from the original post?

Me, I read that post and thought, toxic man with unresolved trauma issues. Not toxic in the way of nairaland men but toxic in the sense of malice keeping. How do you not talk to relatives on your mother and father's side, including your own siblings except one? Haba, na only you waka come this earth with issues?

I don't like my father's people but I can relate with them in a courteous and civil manner. I don't allow them over step their boundaries. If she marries this man she go hear am ooo.

Sxyhalima:
I met a man, we have been dating for over a year and talking about marriage



- he is tall and handsome (there are 3 things that I don't really like about his appearance, but they can be worked upon and I am not the most beautiful in the world)

- he is super healthy, takes care of himself

- he earns 77,000 dollars a year (before tax), and is likely to get more and more money in his career as he progresses

- he is in the process of buying his first property this year

- he is educated and has a good job

- he has all the qualities i look for in a man: kind, caring, thoughtful, considerate, funny, family-orientated, generous (took me on trips abroad, etc) and more. Nobody is perfect, he also has unresolved trauma, but again these things can be worked upon

- he loves God

- we have similar hobbies: travelling, events, he is literally my person and the male person of me



HOWEVER!



He doesn't talk to his dad or his dad's side of his family because in my opinion, his mother has brainwashed him against them. He also doesn't talk to his mother's side of the family (she doesn't talk to them either). He doesn't talk to his siblings, except 1, despite living in the same house. His mother doesn't like me, as she feels like I am taking him away from her and she doesn't like people from my country. She has tried to interfere and break us up, but he has stood firm and now she has said she doesn't want to be involved in our relationship. This is very hurtful for me. I am concerned that she could cause problems for us in our relationship and marriage. He gives over half of his salary to his mother every month (she doesn't work as she struggles to work because she has depression that is debilitating), but he says he will stop once he moves out. I believe that it takes a village to raise a child, and I am concerned that it will just be me, him, our kids, and my family. I am not welcome in his mother's house, and I have said that if I am not welcome there, I don't think it is approrpiate for him to still visit, just like if I was welcome somewhere and my husband wasn't - I wouldn't go. That person will then change up and act accordingly to make my partner feel welcome, but I think he is just enabling bad behaviour. I am scared he will one day resent me or accuse me of affecting the relationship with his original family. He has said that he plans to just have two families (me/the kids.. and his mother/sibling he talks to) and I am scared it will be a case of a man having two "wives", pivoting between two households, being the man of both households. I don't want to share my husband!



Would you marry a man that was the perfect man for you, but his family wasn't good/his mother did not like you?

You are lucky to get such a man, now the mother doesn't want you

I think you need to visit his mum and start getting along with her

Your frequent visit with her may change her mind over you

Never drag a son with his mother, honestly it's a lost game

Plan to visit her and get goodies for her
Stay some time with her

You may find out that she has am issue you could help her to solve

Show her love and make her happy

Her eyes are in his sons life and don't show her that she doesn't count
Give her the impression that she is your mum too

What a dysfunctional family

Break up with him, his mum alone is a huge red flag.

that is interesting

maybe i have been confusing him being a generous and giving person with being kind?

but he does do kind things

fyzaila:
I wouldn't and would never go into any family in the name of marriage if my potential husband family don't like me. If i sense any form of dislike from them i am backing out let alone this your case where they show you theirs to your face.

Besides do you even know the meaning of kind, it looks to me that you're mistaken his generosity for been kind. A kind person is simple, gives without barrier and has a forgiving heart. Its doesn't seem like this guy of yours his. How can he abandon his sick dad in the hospital all because of family grudges? And he is even saying he will stop giving his mom allowance if he moves out with you.

How all this things sounding in yours ears. Remember you're a woman and will become a mother-in-law someday, will you be happy a woman come into your sons life and your son abandon his family because of her? You better think twice.

My advice for you is two,
1. You have to find a way of making his mom and siblings to make peace so that they can absorb you too.
2. If you can't do all that in the first, then back out.

how can i get to know someone who says she does not even like people from my tribe?

he has promised to stand by me but im still scared of marrying into such family

i font want to get engaged and then have to call of the engagement because someone is making things difficult

Klass99:


Strong willed kwa? I don die 🤣....Favvy please explain it to me, what gave you the impression that her man is strong willed from the original post?

Me, I read that post and thought, toxic man with unresolved trauma issues. Not toxic in the way of nairaland men but toxic in the sense of malice keeping. How do you not talk to relatives on your mother and father's side, including your own siblings except one? Haba, na only you waka come this earth with issues?

I don't like my father's people but I can relate with them in a courteous and civil manner. I don't allow them over step their boundaries. If she marries this man she go hear am ooo.

He's definitely strong willed... Also communication is optional not compulsory especially with siblings.

Klass99:


She should do 2 without even attempting 1. That family should work out their issues without her involvement, shebi we are fond of shouting blood is thicker than water? She is water, they are blood, let them resolve their issues without her she is not even a wife yet, just a date.

Women need to stop playing the role of peace maker, therapist, counsellor or mother to people they are not even related to. It is too much hand holding and baby sitting of grown azz men who should be owning and handling their shit by themselves.

You made a valid point here. Op look very well before you leap.

as in.

imagine me an outsider coming to soeone family to solve problem. have i even solved the problem in my own fmaily

fyzaila:



You made a valid point here. Op look very well before you leap.

If your man wants to marry you and he genuinely loves you, damn the consequences and marry him. From your write up he doesn't sound like someone who will be easily controlled by his mom or family.
Go for what you want. His mom might begin to like you later. It's a gradual process

Sxyhalima:


as in.

imagine me an outsider coming to soeone family to solve problem. have i even solved the problem in my own fmaily

Lol 😆, you're not like going directly to start solving his family problems. I think you should use the love he has for you as a means to make him have peace with his people. That's if he listen to you and considers your opinions.

Hello single ladies, quick question

Please can u marry someone who said he is 50yrs old.

Asking for a friend.

Hmmm

Ok

Family no like you . Well that's a red flag my sisterr

Follow God and you can't go wrong. If you feel God wants you to marry him, go ahead even if the whole world is against it.

Reminder to everyone: Repent of your sins, Read your Bible more, stay away from sinful desires, pray often and get closer God.