The story opens with Ahasuerus, the king of the region where India presently is, hosting a party and drinking wine in golden chalices with all his princes.

He commands his seven chamberlains:

1:11 To bring Vashti the queen before the king with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on.



She declines and that pisses the king off. so he throws down the law:

1:20 And when the king's decree which he shall make shall be published throughout all his empire, (for it is great,) all the wives shall give to their husbands honour, both to great and small.

and "that every man should bear rule in his own house."

-You don't want to shake your ass for me and my drunk friends? Fine. all wives in my kingdom shall be servile towards their husbands... it's the law!



2:2 Then said the king's servants that ministered unto him, Let there be fair young virgins sought for the king:

2:4 And let the maiden which pleaseth the king be queen instead of Vashti. And the thing pleased the king; and he did so.

-Still pissed at his queen for not being his plaything, the king sleeps with a bunch of virgins and the one that he likes best will be the new queen.

-Ah the Bible, the moral handbook for strong, independent women everywhere.



After "purifying" the virgins in oils and fragrances for 12 months, the king has his orgy, and the winner of the sex contest? Yup. Good ol' Esther.

2:17 And the king loved Esther above all the women, and she obtained grace and favour in his sight more than all the virgins; so that he set the royal crown upon her head, and made her queen instead of Vashti.



3:2 And all the king's servants, that were in the king's gate, bowed, and reverenced Haman: for the king had so commanded concerning him. But Mordecai bowed not, nor did him reverence.

-Haman gets pissed that this Jew fellow refuses to bow to him. So he asks the king's permission to kill all the Jews in the kingdom. The king says yes.

3:13 And the letters were sent by posts into all the king's provinces, to destroy, to kill, and to cause to perish, all Jews, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, even upon the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month Adar, and to take the spoil of them for a prey.

-So because one Jew didn't bow, the king sets a day (the 13th of December) to kill all the Jews in his kingdom.



Esther and Mordecai talk back and forth about what the king had done, so she tells him to fast for 3 days (?) and then has him come to the castle. Haman sees him and gets so uber-pissed that he and his friends build a gallows to hang him. But Esther tells the king that Haman is evil for wanting to kill the Jews... even though... Haman clearly gets the king's permission first... anyways. So the king sees that Haman is evil and hangs him on the gallows that Haman built for Mordecai, then gives all of Haman's belongings to Mordecai (there's some serious forgetfulness going on here).





Then, at Mordecai's request, Esther convinces the king to command the Jews to attack those who would attack them on the 13th.

8:11 Wherein the king granted the Jews which were in every city to gather themselves together, and to stand for their life, to destroy, to slay and to cause to perish, all the power of the people and province that would assault them, both little ones and women, and to take the spoil of them for a prey,

-So instead of just, you know... calling off the Jewpocalypse so that no one has to die. The king commands the Jew to kill those who were going to kill them, including women and children (of course).



8:17 And in every province, and in every city, whithersoever the king's commandment and his decree came, the Jews had joy and gladness, a feast and a good day. And many of the people of the land became Jews; for the fear of the Jews fell upon them.

-Ah, religious conversion through fear of death. Business as usual.



9:1 Now in the twelfth month, that is, the month Adar, on the thirteenth day of the same, when the king's commandment and his decree drew near to be put in execution, in the day that the enemies of the Jews hoped to have power over them, (though it was turned to the contrary, that the Jews had rule over them that hated them

9:2 The Jews gathered themselves togetherin their cities throughout all the provinces of the king Ahasuerus, to lay hand on such as sought their hurt: and no man could withstand them; for the fear of them fell upon all people.

9:5 Thus the Jews smote all their enemies with the stroke of the sword, and slaughter, and destruction, and did what they would unto those that hated them.

...And in Shushan the palace the Jews slew and destroyed five hundred men... and slew three hundred men... and slew of their foes seventy and five thousand...

-The Jews take the whole "defend yourself" thing a bit too far... and just... kinda start killing everyone.





So in the other book about a woman (Ruth), the moral was: trick a man into sleeping with you and reap the benefits. In Esther, we learn that a woman who wins a sex contest can use her king husband as a puppet master and play the game of genocide herself (Esther has 2 guards killed out of suspicion, then has the king kill Haman, then has the king decree that the Jews should kill people, then has the 10 sons of Haman hung... all in the span of 10 chapters).

So there's this man, "whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil."



1:6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them.

-I googled "sons of God" to see a theist explanation real quick, and apparently they are taking it as another term for "angels." Though as to why Satan was allowed to be among them in the presence of this "all-knowing" God is beyond me. And Satan still hasn't actually be explained for being such a big part of this religion. Since Hell isn't even invented until the New Testament, Old Testament Satan is just another angel. And if you compare him to God, the winner of the Biggest Evil Dickhead ® contest has been clear since Exodus. Satan is simply an extension of God, who God created to take the blame for the things God has been doing. "Don't look at me! It was Satan's fault!"



1:7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.

-Well. there goes the whole "the snake was Satan" theory. God (the all knowing) didn't know where Satan was, and Satan is like "Eh, just wandering around Earth, messing with people, chillin." So clearly the "snake who was forced to crawl in the dirt for tempting Eve" wasn't this angel who is free to roam around as he pleases.



(Satan apparently hit the gym HARD after he was exiled. If God didn't want us to be followers of Satan, then why did he make him so badass looking?)


1:8 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?

-God nudges Satan and goes "Have you seen my latest protege? Completely obedient."



And Satan goes, "Meh, he only worships you because you bless him with stuff." And God (completely falling into Satan's psychological trap) goes "Nuh uh, I'll prove it to you."

-So God grants Satan his powers to go kill off all Job's thousands of livestock and servants.



1:18 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house:

1:19 And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee.

-And then kills all his children by caving their house in on them. At this point, it would be righteous of Job to DENOUNCE God, who killed all his children for a fun game. But no...



1:21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

-You grovelling little bitch. Your children were just executed by this tyrant and you're blessing his name?



And God's like, "see, told you he'd still worship me." And Satan goes, "that was nothing, I bet if you cursed his flesh, he'd turn on you."

So God gives Satan his powers again and goes "do whatever, just don't kill him."

2:7 So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown.



2:9 Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.

2:10 But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?

-Job's wife (the only one in this story so far with any brains) goes, "What are you a coward, bitch? If you had any integrity, you would curse this homicidal dick and die for a good cause." To which Job replied, "Shut up, stupid woman. We have been blessed by God so it's His right to take it away."

Which is like saying that since your boss gave you a raise, he has every right to sleep with your wife.



Job goes on a 4 chapter rant, cursing the day he was born and getting all Shakespearean/gothic about life.

6:7 The things that my soul refused to touch are as my sorrowful meat.

6:8 Oh that I might have my request; and that God would grant me the thing that I long for!

6:9 Even that it would please God to destroy me; that he would let loose his hand, and cut me off!


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7:7 O remember that my life is wind: mine eye shall no more see good.

7:8 The eye of him that hath seen me shall see me no more: thine eyes are upon me, and I am not.

7:9 As the cloud is consumed and vanisheth away: so he that goeth down to the grave shall come up no more.

-Job kinda confessing that there is no afterlife. "Game Over man! Game over!" Until one of Job's friends grabs him and goes "Get a hold of yourself, man!" ...which, in Biblical-speak sounds like:

8:20 "Behold, God will not cast away a perfect man, neither will he help the evil doers"



9:6 Which shaketh the earth out of her place, and the pillars thereof tremble.

9:7 Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not; and sealeth up the stars.

-Some serious scientific facepalms going on there.



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9:17 For he breaketh me with a tempest, and multiplieth my wounds without cause.

9:18 He will not suffer me to take my breath, but filleth me with bitterness.

9:19 If I speak of strength, lo, he is strong: and if of judgment, who shall set me a time to plead?

9:23 If the scourge slay suddenly, he will laugh at the trial of the innocent.

9:24 The earth is given into the hand of the wicked: he covereth the faces of the judges thereof; if not, where, and who is he?

-Job still stumbling around cursing God's name.



10:3 Is it good unto thee that thou shouldest oppress, that thou shouldest despise the work of thine hands, and shine upon the counsel of the wicked?

-Job spitting some truth at God's ass



10:4 Hast thou eyes of flesh? or seest thou as man seeth?

10:5 Are thy days as the days of man? are thy years as man's days,

10:6 That thou enquirest after mine iniquity, and searchest after my sin?

10:7 Thou knowest that I am not wicked; and there is none that can deliver out of thine hand.

10:8 Thine hands have made me and fashioned me together round about; yet thou dost destroy me.

10:9 Remember, I beseech thee, that thou hast made me as the clay; and wilt thou bring me into dust again?

10:10 Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?

10:11 Thou hast clothed me with skin and flesh, and hast fenced me with bones and sinews.

10:12 Thou hast granted me life and favour, and thy visitation hath preserved my spirit.

10:13 And these things hast thou hid in thine heart: I know that this is with thee.

10:14 If I sin, then thou markest me, and thou wilt not acquit me from mine iniquity.

10:15 If I be wicked, woe unto me; and if I be righteous, yet will I not lift up my head. I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction;

-I know that's a lot of scripture, but I love this part. Job questions the nature of God and wonders aloud the same things that confused free thinkers still wonder today. "Did you make me just to destroy me? Why bless me with life just to take it away? I am confused, have I sinned?" It's beautiful poetry.

I AM FORSAKEN!



Job's friends try to argue on God's behalf and Job says:

13:7 Will ye speak wickedly for God? and talk deceitfully for him?

13:8 Will ye accept his person? will ye contend for God?

-Stop lying for God. Recognize him for who he really is.





14:5 Seeing his days are determined, the number of his months are with thee, thou hast appointed his bounds that he cannot pass;

-Job, apparently a philosopher at heart, talks about newborn babies and how their days are already numbered by God. Their fate is not their own to decide.



Then after pointing out that trees die, but can be reborn through their seeds in the ground, he contemplates human death. I'm starting to love this guy.

14:10 But man dieth, and wasteth away: yea, man giveth up the ghost, and where is he?

14:12 So man lieth down, and riseth not: till the heavens be no more, they shall not awake, nor be raised out of their sleep.

14:13 O that thou wouldest hide me in the grave, that thou wouldest keep me secret, until thy wrath be past, that thou wouldest appoint me a set time, and remember me!

14:14 If a man die, shall he live again?

(Stands and start the "slow clap"



Job's 3rd friend tries his luck at comforting Job and says:

15:5 For thy mouth uttereth thine iniquity, and thou choosest the tongue of the crafty.

15:6 Thine own mouth condemneth thee, and not I: yea, thine own lips testify against thee.

-What a choad. You can't censor truth, asshat!



16:1 Then Job answered and said,

16:2 I have heard many such things: miserable comforters are ye all.

16:3 Shall vain words have an end? or what emboldeneth thee that thou answerest?

16:4 I also could speak as ye do: if your soul were in my soul's stead, I could heap up words against you, and shake mine head at you.

-Job. Telling it. Like he sees it.

-I take back my previous judgments. Job would have been welcomed to this forum with open arms for questioning God and stating the obvious flaws in God's work.


(Job's friends try to comfort him again and again he lays down the Rolling Thunder of Awesomeness)

19:7 Behold, I cry out of wrong, but I am not heard: I cry aloud, but there is no judgment.

19:22 Why do ye persecute me as God, and are not satisfied with my flesh?



21:7 Wherefore do the wicked live, become old, yea, are mighty in power?

21:9 Their houses are safe from fear, neither is the rod of God upon them.

21:13 They spend their days in wealth, and in a moment go down to the grave.

21:14 Therefore they say unto God, Depart from us; for we desire not the knowledge of thy ways.

21:15 What is the Almighty, that we should serve him? and what profit should we have, if we pray unto him?

-Seriously, I happen to have been listening to this song and it fits so well with Job's condemnation of God.







Job's friends telling Job that the Lord is super powerful and Job telling them that the Lord is a dick, back and forth until the three friends give up and leave and a fourth man shows up to try his luck.

He basically tells Job the exact same thing the other three told him. That God is awesome and powerful and gives us rain and mountains and clouds and for all this He has given, He gets nothing in return.



38:1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said,

38:2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge?

38:3 Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me.

38:4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding

-Finally, after 38 chapters of Job's misery and wailing to the heavens, God shows up (in a whirlwind?) and goes "Man up, punk. Who was it that built the earth again? Oh right, that was ME." And then God (who had apparently been off smoking weed this entire time... only way to explain this next part), says this:



38:6 Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof;

38:7 When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

38:8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb?

38:9 When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it,

38:10 And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors,

38:11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed?

38:12 Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the dayspring to know his place;

38:13 That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it?

-In trying to sound like a self-righteous badass, God says some strange things. Like that he made clouds with garments and used doors to stop the flow of the sea. And that if he wanted to, he could shake the earth like a blanket (cause it's flat and all) and all the evil would fly off like dust.





38:21 Knowest thou it, because thou wast then born? or because the number of thy days is great?

38:22 Hast thou entered into the treasures of the snow? or hast thou seen the treasures of the hail,

38:23 Which I have reserved against the time of trouble, against the day of battle and war?

-What? God goes "Oh I'm sorry, were YOU born back when I created all this? Oh right, it's because you've lived forever. Then he mentions that he's got a stockpile of hail and snow saved up just in case some war breaks out? Apparently, God is capable of being a sarcastic douche when he needs to be.



38:33 Knowest thou the ordinances of heaven? canst thou set the dominion thereof in the earth?

38:34 Canst thou lift up thy voice to the clouds, that abundance of waters may cover thee?

38:35 Canst thou send lightnings, that they may go and say unto thee, Here we are?

-Alright, Christ! I get it! Stop ragging on my ass.





God goes on like this for pages, sarcastically going "are YOU the one who gives prey to the beasts and gives flight to the eagles? hmmm?"

40:2 Shall he that contendeth with the Almighty instruct him? he that reproveth God, let him answer it.

40:3 Then Job answered the LORD, and said,

40:4 Behold, I am vile; what shall I answer thee? I will lay mine hand upon my mouth.

-So after God gives him shit all afternoon, Job promises to stop complaining... about his newly dead children... and lesion covered skin.



The Lord continues patting himself on the back and mentions that he created a Behemoth and a Leviathan. So now he made mythical creatures?






42:12 So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning: for he had fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses.

42:13 He had also seven sons and three daughters.

42:14 And he called the name of the first, Jemima; and the name of the second, Kezia; and the name of the third, Kerenhappuch.

42:15 And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job

-God gives Job twice as much material possessions as he had before and gave him newer, hotter daughters. If all my children, who I loved, were killed off I'm SURE that strangers popping into existence to take their place would do just fine. After all, they were just replaceable objects.





Sooooo, the moral of the Book of Job is: If you are a sinner, God will smite you. If you worship God but falter slightly, God will smite you. And if you worship God unwaveringly and are perfect in the eyes of the Lord, God will smite you, then yell at you angrily.

Fu,.ck that sh,.it. Psalms is 150 chapters long.



Alright fine. But since this isn't "the word of God" but rather a collection of poems for God, I'm gonna skim it for the gems.



6:5 For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?

-Another OT shout out to the lack of an afterlife. We should praise the Lord as much as we can in life, because we can't praise if we're dead.



-20 chapters praising God's ability to fly around burning unbelievers with his wraith and blowing angry winds with his nostrils-



23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

23:2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

23:3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

23:5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

-I addressed this in another post. The shepherd does not tend his sheep because he loves them and wants only good things for them. He tends them so that they are ready for the slaughter. But I guess a poem likes this:

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He feedeth me and giveth me water until I am fat and meaty.
He leadeth me up with a loving touch into a slaughterhouse.
I follow willingly, for I shall not question.
He choppeth off my head, cut me into pieces, and feasteth on my flesh.
He weareth mine flesh as a new shirt."

wouldn't be met with the same adoration.




(This is the greatest drawing of a sheep EVER)



-More run of the mill cultist fervor. Claiming of all the horrible ways God can disperse with the wicked. Religious people patting themselves on the back for having such a great and wise ruler-



37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth;

-I'm confused. I know that Psalms is supposedly written by a plethora of authors, including those that wrote the NT... but is this a quote from Jesus or did Jesus use this in his speech? I'm only baffled because I'm constantly getting told by Old Testament dismissing Christians that the things Jesus said were groundbreaking and there was never a more insightful man. But if he's just rehashing the verses from the OT, then he's nothing special.



37:29 The righteous shall inherit the land, and dwell therein for ever.

-I thought the meek would inherit the earth? I smell a religious war coming, between the righteous and the meek. Something tells me the righteous will prevail.



53:1 The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. Corrupt are they, and have done abominable iniquity: there is none that doeth good.

53:2 God looked down from heaven upon the children of men, to see if there were any that did understand, that did seek God.

53:3 Every one of them is gone back: they are altogether become filthy; there is none that doeth good, no, not one.

53:4 Have the workers of iniquity no knowledge? who eat up my people as they eat bread: they have not called upon God.

-A wonderful poem about atheists. We are fools who do no good. Not a single good thing. And am I reading that last line correct? We eat religious people? Is this the origin of the baby sandwich?



Lots of disturbing passages about showing no mercy to the heathens and the righteous celebrating the vengeance of God by washing their feet in the blood of the wicked.

-Let's stop pretending that this is some sort of moral building, family value enriching social club. It's an animal sacrificing, bloodthirsty cult who delights in the demise of others.



68:17 The chariots of God are twenty thousand, even thousands of angels: the Lord is among them

-It's a good thing the Lord uses such outdated weaponry. And only a few thousand? I think we could take him.



74:12 For God is my King of old, working salvation in the midst of the earth.

74:13 Thou didst divide the sea by thy strength: thou brakest the heads of the dragons in the waters.

74:14 Thou brakest the heads of leviathan in pieces, and gavest him to be meat to the people inhabiting the wilderness.





74:17 Thou hast set all the borders of the earth

75:3 The earth and all the inhabitants thereof are dissolved: I bear up the pillars of it

...the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved

...all the foundations of the earth are out of course.

- Ah, the earth, with all its borders and pillars. A great day for theist scientists everywhere.



79:5 How long, LORD? wilt thou be angry for ever? shall thy jealousy burn like fire?

79:6 Pour out thy wrath upon the heathen that have not known thee, and upon the kingdoms that have not called upon thy name.

-Why don't you cool it every once in a while, Lord? Maybe go punish someone else, you know, maybe the ones who actually deserve your anger?



Christ, I'm only on chapter 84!



92:10 But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn

-The Bible has mentioned unicorns about 20 times now. You gotta think, if it REALLY was referring to animals with one horns, like a rhinoceros, WHY are they constantly praising and comparing godly things to it? Did they really hold the rhinoceros on such a high pedestal?



104:2 Who coverest thyself with light as with a garment: who stretchest out the heavens like a curtain:

-(From AnnoSkept) Galileo cited this verse in his "Letter to the Grand Duchess Christina" saying, "Astronomers seem to declare what is contrary to Scripture, for they hold the heavens to be spherical, while the Scripture calls it 'stretched out like a curtain.'" He argued, following Augustine, that the Church should avoid interpreting such passages in a way that might later conflict with scientific understanding. Unfortunately, the Church did not take his advice.



117:1 O praise the LORD, all ye nations: praise him, all ye people.

117:2 For his merciful kindness is great toward us: and the truth of the LORD endureth for ever. Praise ye the LORD.

- ...that's it. That's the whole chapter. Apparently whoever was given 117 as a homework assignment didn't take it too seriously and made it up 5 minutes before handing it in.



This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we're given
Use them and let's start trying
To make it a place worth living in

-Wait. Those are Phil Collins lyrics. Sorry, it's late and I'm 136 chapters deep. Although... those are better moral teachings than anything I've seen so far in the Bible.

All praise be to Phil Collins!





137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

-This verse... I've tried to use it in context with the rest of the chapter, I've tried to consider it as a metaphor, or look for a possible mistranslation. I got nothing. Dash your babies against the stones... and you'll be happy.

-Alright I had to know, so I googled it. And the most common rebuttal is that this quote is "taken out of context" Alright, here's the verse before it:

137:8 O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.


Quote from a preacher:

"The scriptures are talking of Babylon the city of evil spoken of in Revelation and as for the scripture of the little ones, many scholars believe and i agree... it is speaking of the women of "babylon" having abortions"

-Apparently it's just payback to the "evil city of Babylon" by smashing their babies against the rocks. But does that make anyone happy?

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And I'm the immoral one?



147:4 He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names.

-Wow. Considering the trillion billion gabazillion stars, hopefully he just calls them Star 1, Star 2, etc or he's in trouble.



148:7 Praise the LORD from the earth, ye dragons, and all deeps:





This whole chapter has just been a giant death wish for all heathens. Please, Lord, burn this person and break this person's teeth from their head and mercilessly smite this person, while we faithful dance and wash ourselves in their blood.

1:1 The proverbs of Solomon the son of David, king of Israel;

-Right off the bat, you're lying to me. (SAB) "The book of Proverbs was written several centuries after Solomon supposedly lived. So it wasn't written by Solomon. It was forged by someone who claimed to be Solomon."



-Proverbs is referred to as Wisdom Literature, since it is the wise teachings of Solomon (even though he's apparently already dead), and remember; Solomon was the wisest man in all the land-




1:10 My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not.

1:11 If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause:

-Because that's what sinners say, right? "Come on, let's go ambush someone just to see them bleed. And then let's go wreak havoc on the innocent for absolutely no reason! It will be a fun afternoon."



1:26 I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh;

1:27 When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you.

1:28 Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me:

-God is more interested in mocking your pitiful cries than forgiving you. You shall call upon me, but I won't answer? Isn't that the opposite of what Christianity teaches? That it's never too late to ask for forgiveness?



3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

-Ah, the cornerstone of Christianity. Just trust in the Lord and stop trying to figure things out. I realize that the Bible says giants, dragons, witches, and unicorns... but don't try to understand all that, just TRUST me.



To be fair, there are smatterings of ACTUAL wise teachings that I've been skipping over. Here are some of the good ones.

1:8 My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother:

2:2 So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;

2:10 When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul;
2:11 Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee:

3:13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

-The strange thing is, just after all this praising of wisdom and understanding, it uses the verse listed above about NOT trying to understand. Either way, Christians certainly aren't the intellectual standard bearers of our society.



3:35 The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.

-More promoting of wisdom and dismissing of fools. I think I'm going to start quoting these when theists try to use Creationist arguments. I'll prove the age of the earth with astronomy, and then use the verse above and go "Proverbs 3:35" all smugly just to piss them off on several levels.





4:5 Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not;

4:7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

-Ok, at this point you're just being redundant. It's not a "wise teaching from the wisest man on earth" if it's just chapter after chapter of "you should strive to be wise... cause wisdom is good... so get wisdom... and keep it... oh, and also, understanding... you should get that too."



5:18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.

5:19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

-Wiser words were never spoken. I'm starting to embrace the wisdom now. If you'll excuse me, I have some ravishing and some breasts waiting to satisfy me.

-Back. No luck. She has a headache (I don't actually have a wife... but the random stranger who I tried to ravish claimed to have a headache).



9:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.

-Oh NOW I see. The theist version of wisdom and understanding is completely different than mine. Here I am trying to understand the ways of the world and expand my mind to the different ideologies and concepts, even learning a new language or two, when really to be wise I just had to fearfully subjugate myself to the Lord. No wonder they're praising "wisdom" every other verse.





(In reference to giving in to whorish women)

9:17 Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.

9:18 But he knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in the depths of hell.

-That was damn near Shakespearean. Love of wisdom, hatred of women, and a love of titties. Keep it up Proverbs, I'm becoming a fan.



10:13 In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found: but a rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding.

-Seriously. I get it. Wisdom good. Understanding good. Can we move it along please?



10:18 He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool.





11:12 He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.



12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

- Nice



Interspersed with all this wisdom and understanding... are just descriptions of the righteous and the wicked. Along the lines of "the righteous will inherit this; the wicked won't inherit anything. The righteous only desire to do right; the wicked only do evil. The righteous will live long prosperous lives, while the wicked man shall starve."




13:20 He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.

-Well come on now. Some of my best friends are morons, but that doesn't mean I should stop talking to them. I'm sorry dude, you're just not wise enough to be my friend.



13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

-There's a bunch of verses in the Bible that sound like the "spare the rod, spoil the child" line but none of them actually say that. Same message and all. Though I'm not sure that "not beating your son" equates to hating him.

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14:8 The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way: but the folly of fools is deceit.



15:2 The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.

-Truly words of incredible insight. Fools... speak foolishness. Deep.



15:7 The lips of the wise disperse knowledge: but the heart of the foolish doeth not so.

-The wise are wise, the foolish are fools. THIS TRULY IS THE WORK OF GENIUSES!



15:14 The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness.

-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



16:4 The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.

-God made wicked people so he could punish them.



16:16 How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver!

-That's it! From now on, I'm putting all the rehashed wisdom/understanding lines here:

17:24 Wisdom is before him that hath understanding; but the eyes of a fool are in the ends of the earth.
17:27 He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.
18:2 A fool hath no delight in understanding
19:8 He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: he that keepeth understanding shall find good.
23:23 Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding.
...I gave up posting them all when I realized I might as well quote the whole book.



16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

-Has been twisted around to make a sexier sounding expression to be used as lines in movies about demons and priests and Al Pacino.





19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.

-Beat your child and don't stop just because he's crying.



20:2 The fear of a king is as the roaring of a lion: whoso provoketh him to anger sinneth against his own soul.

-It's a sin to anger your king. So stop criticizing Obama... it's a sin.




(What the hell is with these pics, you ask? It's my thread, I can post whatever I want. But seriously, I've just been spending too much time at www.bertisevil.tv.)



20:24 Man's goings are of the LORD; how can a man then understand his own way?

-So wait. Now you're telling me that we CAN'T understand our ways, though we would clearly be wise to do so.



20:27 The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly.

20:30 The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.

-Ummmmm. What?



21:9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

-True that.

21:19 It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

-And again.



22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

-Finally. The first wise thing this "book of wisdom" has presented so far.



22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

-Christ! I already beat my kid to save his soul and because I love him, now I'm beating him to make him smarter?

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23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.

23:14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.


-I said beat that little bastard! Don't worry, he's not going to die from it.
(There's a lot of seriously disturbed "beaten children" pics that I could post, but I'm here to analyze and inform, not make you vomit)



23:27 For a LovePeddler is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.

23:28 She also lieth in wait as for a prey, and increaseth the transgressors among men.

-Those damn whores with their deep ditches, deceiving us otherwise righteous men into damnation.



24:17 Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth:

-Alright Proverbs. That's two. I'll chalk you up for saying two worthwhile things at this point.



27:15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

-I don't know what you mean... but I'm assuming it's more hate-speech towards women.





28:9 He that turneth away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer shall be abomination.

-Assuming the "law" is the commandments of Moses or God's law. So even if you live a good life and pray to God, he will ignore you for not doing as He commands.



28:21 To have respect of persons is not good: for for a piece of bread that man will transgress.

-I'm having fun googling these verses just to see how massively they've been altered to seem more friendly.

"Showing partiality is never good, yet some will do wrong for a mere piece of bread."

"It is not good to have respect for a man's position: for a man will do wrong for a bit of bread."



29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.



-There. I beat my child unconscious. Is she wise yet? Because she appears to have brain damage.



30:17 The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it.

-So now birds are going to eat out the eyes of my child.



31:3 Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.

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So I'm assuming this is called wisdom literature because it mentions the word "wisdom" EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE. Not because it offers us anything wise. The wise are full of wisdom and the righteous do that which is right. Conversely, the foolish do foolish things and the wicked will die horribly and alone because they are wicked. Let us all reflect on the divinely inspired, thought provoking, Mensa manual that is "The Book of Proverbs." Truly it will take years of contemplation and volumes full of calculations scribbled by scholars to comprehend this complex ingenuity of morals.

Short one, let's knock it out like I knocked out my child in Proverbs.






1:5 The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.

-(SAB) "Although this verse is interpreted figuratively today, it was taken literally by virtually all Christians until the Copernican revolution, and was used by the Church to condemn Galileo for teaching the heliocentric heresy."



1:6 The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits.

1:7 All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.

-Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication.



The author (supposedly Solomon) goes on a "sad but true" rant about how all that we accomplish on earth is meaningless and vain.

2:17 Therefore I hated life; because the work that is wrought under the sun is grievous unto me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit.

2:18 Yea, I hated all my labour which I had taken under the sun: because I should leave it unto the man that shall be after me.

2:19 And who knoweth whether he shall be a wise man or a fool? yet shall he have rule over all my labour wherein I have laboured, and wherein I have shewed myself wise under the sun. This is also vanity.



3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

...

-Turn turn turn.



3:12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

3:13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

-Eat, drink, and be merry. The motto of life.


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5:15 As he came forth of his mother's womb, naked shall he return to go as he came, and shall take nothing of his labour, which he may carry away in his hand.

5:18 Behold that which I have seen: it is good and comely for one to eat and to drink, and to enjoy the good of all his labour that he taketh under the sun all the days of his life, which God giveth him: for it is his portion.


-Still going on about how everything we have and do is meaningless, so just enjoy life.



7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.

7:4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

-Starting to veer into emo-speech now. Ah man, it's better to feel pain because that's the only true way to grow.



7:15 All things have I seen in the days of my vanity: there is a just man that perisheth in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man that prolongeth his life in his wickedness.

-Why do bad things happen to good people?



8:15 Then I commended mirth, because a man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry: for that shall abide with him of his labour the days of his life, which God giveth him under the sun.

-A paragraph of ideas stretched out into 11 chapters. What we do in life is "vain" and we should enjoy the time we are given here on earth. There's also a lot of "what's the point? We'll never understand the workings of the world, so why try?" utterances.



9:5 For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten.

9:6 Also their love, and their hatred, and their envy, is now perished; neither have they any more a portion for ever in any thing that is done under the sun.

9:7 Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart;


-It's pretty much obvious that the OT authors didn't believe in an afterlife. Oh, and also... eat, drink, and be merry. In case you had forgotten.






9:10 Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might;for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.

-Whatever your chosen path in life, do it with all your heart.



9:11 I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

9:12 For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in the snare; so are the sons of men snared in an evil time, when it falleth suddenly upon them.

-How did this book make it into the Bible? This is far too observant and rational to be placed with these other books. Time and chance? I thought those concepts were scoffed at by evolution-hating theists?



11:8 But if a man live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let him remember the days of darkness; for they shall be many. All that cometh is vanity.

11:9 Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment.

11:10 Therefore remove sorrow from thy heart, and put away evil from thy flesh: for childhood and youth are vanity.



Well, apart from the Emo vibe and the constant reminders to eat, drink, and be merry, this was the FIRST book in the Bible that wasn't ridiculous.


Congrats, Ecclesiastes. You are the very first book to receive my:





...wait, no that's the seal for my "other" forum.

Here you go!

The Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs, or Song of Songs of Solomon, depending on how Jewish you want to delve) is supposedly written by Solomon (though again, it was written hundreds of years after he was already dead), and is quite disturbing. It's a sort of love poem to a woman, but it's only 8 chapters long and mentions her breasts about once a chapter, as well as some other nonsensical poetry.



1:5 I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.

1:6 Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.

-I'm sure they're using the term "black" to mean actually black and not negro, but still this passage struck me as strange.



4:1 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.

4:2 Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.

4:3 Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.

4:4 Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.

-What women wouldn't want to hear that she looks like goats, sheep, and a tower?



5:4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

-I.... I got nothing.



7:1 How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

7:2 Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.

7:3 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.

7:4 Thy neck is as a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bathrabbim: thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus.







7:7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

7:8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

-Like any man trying to write poetry, his mind keeps drifting back to the moon balloons.



8:1 O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.

8:2 I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.

-Wait... if you were my brother sucking my mom's nips, I wouldn't mind? "Juice of my pomegranate?" What the hell is going on with this book?



8:8 We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?

8:10 I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.

-My sister's chesticles are small compared to my massive towers.


Short, confusing, and a little perverted. Perfect book to be included in the word of the Lord.

1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

-The motto of abortion protestors everywhere.



God talks to Jeremiah when he is just a child and says:

1:10 See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant.

-Get em while they're young, God? And once again, God continues his 4000 year old game of toy soldiers, plotting his strategic takeover of several kingdoms.



God tells Jeremiah to go forth and tell the people living in Jerusalem that they are worthless and that God is the one who has given them all they have... while also referring to the women as "harlots" who act like "donkeys in heat."



-God continues to verbally abuse the people of Jerusalem through Jeremiah, calling them whores who don't deserve him-

"If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD."

"and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms"

"and thou hadst a LovePeddler's forehead, thou refusedst to be ashamed."

"and there hath played the harlot."

"yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also"

"And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks."

-All this in the span of 9 verses. Seems someone is infatuated with whores.







Jeremiah tries to rally the people of Jerusalem to accept God once again and prepare for battle against evil, but it doesn't seem to work. He questions God's terrorist methods of recruitment:

5:3 O LORD, are not thine eyes upon the truth? thou hast stricken them, but they have not grieved; thou hast consumed them, but they have refused to receive correction: they have made their faces harder than a rock; they have refused to return.



5:11 For the house of Israel and the house of Judah have dealt very treacherously against me, saith the LORD.

5:12 They have belied the LORD, and said, It is not he; neither shall evil come upon us; neither shall we see sword nor famine:

5:13 And the prophets shall become wind, and the word is not in them: thus shall it be done unto them.

-Israel and Judah have discovered that God isn't real, and that regardless of whether they believe or not, nothing bad will happen to them.



So God decides to overthrow his "chosen people" and make them into slaves.

5:15 Lo, I will bring a nation upon you from far, O house of Israel, saith the LORD: it is a mighty nation, it is an ancient nation, a nation whose language thou knowest not, neither understandest what they say.

5:17 And they shall eat up thine harvest, and thy bread, which thy sons and thy daughters should eat: they shall eat up thy flocks and thine herds: they shall eat up thy vines and thy fig trees: they shall impoverish thy fenced cities, wherein thou trustedst, with the sword.

5:19 And it shall come to pass, when ye shall say, Wherefore doeth the LORD our God all these things unto us? then shalt thou answer them, Like as ye have forsaken me, and served strange gods in your land, so shall ye serve strangers in a land that is not your's.

-Even the most historically loyal followers of God feel his wrath. God demands attention like a 16 year old girl and doesn't like to be ignored.







5:23 But this people hath a revolting and a rebellious heart; they are revolted and gone.

5:24 Neither say they in their heart, Let us now fear the LORD our God, that giveth rain

-While God is standing on his pedestal, giving his monologue of terror, Jeremiah interrupts him and goes, "Uhhh, God? Everybody left already. And they don't seem to fear you either."



"Circumcise yourselves to the LORD, and take away the foreskins of your heart"

"behold, their ear is uncircumcised"

-I'm starting to wonder if we mistranslated the word "circumcise" at this point.



6:11 Therefore I am full of the fury of the LORD; I am weary with holding in: I will pour it out upon the children abroad, and upon the assembly of young men together: for even the husband with the wife shall be taken, the aged with him that is full of days.

6:12 And their houses shall be turned unto others, with their fields and wives together: for I will stretch out my hand upon the inhabitants of the land, saith the LORD.

-First, realize that this is the Lord talking. It's prefaced with "Thus sayeth the Lord of hosts" and ends with "saith the Lord." Now that we've established that the Lord himself is speaking, let's have a listen.

Therefore I am full of the fury of the LORD

God refers to himself in the third person... and as always, he's full of rage.

I am weary with holding in

The Lord is weary (he can become tired) of always holding back this boiling anger towards mankind.

I will pour it out upon the children abroad, and upon

So he decides to kill lots and lots of children, husbands, and elderly people simply to appease his rage. And then, just for fun, he'll give the houses of the dead to other people.







7:17 Seest thou not what they do in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem?

7:18 The children gather wood, and the fathers kindle the fire, and the women knead their dough, to make cakes to the queen of heaven, and to pour out drink offerings unto other gods, that they may provoke me to anger.

-God (in an incredulous tone) goes, "Have you seen what they're doing in Judah and Jerusalem? Children gathering wood? Fathers making fires? Women making cakes for the queen of heaven? (?) Not on my watch!"



7:20 Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, mine anger and my fury shall be poured out upon this place, upon man, and upon beast, and upon the trees of the field, and upon the fruit of the ground; and it shall burn, and shall not be quenched.

7:21 Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Put your burnt offerings unto your sacrifices, and eat flesh.

-Eat your own goddamned burnt offerings. I am sick of them, saith the Lord. (SAB)



8:17 For, behold, I will send serpents, cockatrices, among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you, saith the LORD.

-Sigh.







9:4 Take ye heed every one of his neighbour, and trust ye not in any brother: for every brother will utterly supplant, and every neighbour will walk with slanders.

9:5 And they will deceive every one his neighbour, and will not speak the truth: they have taught their tongue to speak lies, and weary themselves to commit iniquity.

9:6 Thine habitation is in the midst of deceit; through deceit they refuse to know me, saith the LORD.

-Anyone who claims to not know me is deceitful and convinces himself with lies that I don't exist, therefore don't trust him because he lives his life through lies.



10:3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

10:4 They deck it with silver and with gold...

-God hates Christmas trees



12:1 Righteous art thou, O LORD, when I plead with thee: yet let me talk with thee of thy judgments: Wherefore doth the way of the wicked prosper? wherefore are all they happy that deal very treacherously?

-There go those arrogant humans again with their logic. Can't you see that God is busy destroying Israel, the land of the faithful?



THE STORY OF THE GIRDLE

13:1 Thus saith the LORD unto me, Go and get thee a linen girdle, and put it upon thy loins, and put it not in water.

13:2 So I got a girdle according to the word of the LORD, and put it on my loins.

13:3 And the word of the LORD came unto me the second time, saying,

13:4 Take the girdle that thou hast got, which is upon thy loins, and arise, go to Euphrates, and hide it there in a hole of the rock.

13:5 So I went, and hid it by Euphrates, as the LORD commanded me.

13:6 And it came to pass after many days, that the LORD said unto me, Arise, go to Euphrates, and take the girdle from thence, which I commanded thee to hide there.

13:7 Then I went to Euphrates, and digged, and took the girdle from the place where I had hid it: and, behold, the girdle was marred, it was profitable for nothing.

-Go get a girdle and hide it in a rock near the Euphrates river. You see! The girdle is destroyed! The point of all this?

13:10 This evil people, which refuse to hear my words, which walk in the imagination of their heart, and walk after other gods, to serve them, and to worship them, shall even be as this girdle, which is good for nothing.

13:11 For as the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah, saith the LORD;

-So that God can go: "Evil people will soon look like that tattered girdle, and I shall cleave them the way a girdle cleaves a man's balls.






Skipping through more redundant passes "I am the Lord, I will slaughter these people" ..."they snuffed up the wind like dragons" ...along with God still delightfully plotting his revenge on Jerusalem, "I'm going to sell these people, then send a famine to these people."

-God rambles on for chapters going "I'm gonna do it! Any day now, I'm gonna kill everyone and they won't be mourned or buried and they will be a 'dung on the earth.' I'm super serious. Hey Jeremiah, don't get married or have kids because I'm about to kill every woman and child. (16:1-7) For realz."



16:10 And it shall come to pass, when thou shalt shew this people all these words, and they shall say unto thee, Wherefore hath the LORD pronounced all this great evil against us? or what is our iniquity? or what is our sin that we have committed against the LORD our God?

16:11 Then shalt thou say unto them, Because your fathers have forsaken me, saith the LORD

-You know that whole bit about "not punishing people for the sins of their fathers" I mentioned a few books ago? Forget it. I'm specifically killing all you because of your fathers' actions.



THE STORY OF THE POTTER

18:1 The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying,

18:2 Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words.

18:3 Then I went down to the potter's house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels.

18:4 And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.

18:5 Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying,

18:6 O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the LORD. Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.

-God uses an analogy where He is the bad potter and Israel is the mistake. And like a potter, He will reshape the clay of Israel until he fixes his mistake. Of course, a potter doesn't make little clay children shapes, breathe life into them, give them the ability to feel pain, and then stomp on them and set them on fire.



God has Jeremiah smash a pot to emphasize what the potter will soon do to the pottery. They arrest Jeremiah and put him in the stocks. So God goes off on everyone, calling his priests and prophets wicked liars.

23:11 For both prophet and priest are profane; yea, in my house have I found their wickedness, saith the LORD. (And pretty much the rest of chapter 23)

...while continuing to threaten everyone without actually doing anything.



24:2 One basket had very good figs, even like the figs that are first ripe: and the other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad.

-Yeah, tell those naughty figs how bad they've been. The Lord says that the figs are like the people, and he will save the good figs and destroy the evil figs. Seriously God, I get it. It's been 24 chapters of prophecy. Get to it already.



The king of Babylon attacks Jerusalem (finally) and before much fighting occurs, the Lord tells the people of Jerusalem to release all their slaves as a covenant with Babylon. So they do... and then promptly have the slaves caught and returned back into servitude. God gets pissed (not at slavery, but because they disobeyed him) and re-promises to do all those horrible things that he had been talking about this whole book.

-Jeremiah spends years in a Babylonian dungeon until Jerusalem is finally captured.



34:4 Yet hear the word of the LORD, O Zedekiah king of Judah; Thus saith the LORD of thee, Thou shalt not die by the sword:

34:5 But thou shalt die in peace: and with the burnings of thy fathers, the former kings which were before thee

-Lord to Zedekiah: I promise you shall die in peace

39:6 Then the king of Babylon slew the sons of Zedekiah in Riblah before his eyes: also the king of Babylon slew all the nobles of Judah.

39:7 Moreover he put out Zedekiah's eyes, and bound him with chains, to carry him to Babylon, and put him in prison till the day of his death (52:11).

-Lord to Zedekiah: But that doesn't mean we can't kill your sons in front of you, stab out your eyes, and drag you off to Babylonian dungeons until you die! Gotcha! Always read the fine print, buddy!



Jeremiah continues his job as God's messenger of destruction, going kingdom to kingdom, using Jerusalem as proof that he means business. The Lord also stops by Judah and says, "I'm not finished with you, Judah. Your women have learned nothing and are still whores and burn incense to the wrong gods. I'll be back."







47:6 O thou sword of the LORD, how long will it be ere thou be quiet? put up thyself into thy scabbard, rest, and be still.

-Good question. When are you gonna stop this killing, Lord? Can you put your sword down for a few damn years?



48:10 Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood.

-Ah, so cursed be those televangelists and those that use religion for their own use... and cursed be the WHAT THE Bleep? Cursed be the pacifists? If you don't want to kill, stay out of God's army because he's in it for the blood.

-Admittedly, this is in reference to the coming destruction of Moab that the Lord is plotting, but does that really make it better? Even if he was wiping out the Nazis, should those who don't want to kill another human being be cursed?



The Lord then spends a page per kingdom describing how he's going to destroy and curse and plague it, including the Ammonites, the Babylonians, and Chaldeans.

51:20 Thou art my battle axe and weapons of war: for with thee will I break in pieces the nations, and with thee will I destroy kingdoms;

-Kind of seems like God has finally lost it and is just destroying with abandon now.


As usual, God is all talk and doesn't follow up on his threats. And isn't it strange that God has been fighting the same people this entire time? For an all-powerful being who desires nothing more than the destruction of kingdoms and the seizure of their lands... he seems to be hung up on these Moabites, Babylonians, Ammonites, Amalekites, and Philistines. You would think the entire Middle East would be one big country called Godville at this point.

This book is 5 chapters LAMENTING (get it now?) the destruction of Jerusalem and Judah that took place in the Book of Jeremiah


1:8 Jerusalem hath grievously sinned; therefore she is removed: all that honoured her despise her, because they have seen her unclothedness: yea, she sigheth, and turneth backward.

1:9 Her filthiness is in her skirts;

1:10 The adversary hath spread out his hand upon all her pleasant things:

the LORD hath trodden the virgin, the daughter of Judah, as in a winepress.

Jerusalem is as a menstruous woman

-Basically God just rips on the cities the entire book. "Ohhhhh, did you see what I did to Judah? Jerusalem is a LovePeddler and I totally RAPED that bitch!"



2:20 Behold, O LORD, and consider to whom thou hast done this. Shall the women eat their fruit, and children of a span long? shall the priest and the prophet be slain in the sanctuary of the Lord?

2:21 The young and the old lie on the ground in the streets: my virgins and my young men are fallen by the sword; thou hast slain them in the day of thine anger; thou hast killed, and not pitied.

-I'm not sure who exactly is speaking to the Lord, though they say the author and speaker is Jeremiah... though that would mean he had a HUGE change of heart since last time we saw him. But he basically calls God out for a page or two, going, "We are defeated and humbled! You win, are you satisfied!"

To which God responds, "Shut up, noob gay."


NEXT BOOK

1:1 Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I was among the captives by the river of Chebar, that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God.

-Thirtieth year of what, exactly? It's certainly not 30 AD (Ezekiel lived around 590 BC) and the Julian calendar won't be used until 45 BC... so what the hell is he talking about? But anyways, Ezekiel starts hallucinating.



1:4 And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.

1:5 Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.

1:6 And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

1:7 And their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf's foot: and they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass.

1:8 And they had the hands of a man under their wings on their four sides; and they four had their faces and their wings.

1:9 Their wings were joined one to another; they turned not when they went; they went every one straight forward.

1:10 As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.

1:11 Thus were their faces: and their wings were stretched upward; two wings of every one were joined one to another, and two covered their bodies.


-Ezekiel sees creatures that have 4 wings and 4 heads (a human, lion, ox, and eagle head)



1:27 And I saw as the colour of amber, as the appearance of fire round about within it, from the appearance of his loins even upward, and from the appearance of his loins even downward, I saw as it were the appearance of fire, and it had brightness round about.

1:28 As the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud in the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness round about. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face, and I heard a voice of one that spake.

-Ezekiel checks out God's package, sees that it is on fire, and declares it to be the holiest of packages.



2:1 And he said unto me, Son of man, stand upon thy feet, and I will speak unto thee.

-Yes, Lord? What message do you have for me that you make such a grand entrance from heaven? What pearl of wisdom do you want to share to better the lives of your creations?

2:3 And he said unto me, Son of man, I send thee to the children of Israel, to a rebellious nation that hath rebelled against me: they and their fathers have transgressed against me, even unto this very day.

-Dammit God! This again!? All you care about is punishing those who mock you. How about instead of showing yourself and your crazy 4 headed beasts to ME... you go to Israel and convince them yourself?



2:9 And when I looked, behold, an hand was sent unto me; and, lo, a roll of a book was therein;

3:1 Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll, and go speak unto the house of Israel.

3:2 So I opened my mouth, and he caused me to eat that roll.

3:3 And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee.

-Here. Eat this scroll. It will fill your bowels like a mofo.



(Are those children clutching God's naked torso?)



3:7 But the house of Israel will not hearken unto thee; for they will not hearken unto me: for all the house of Israel are impudent and hardhearted.

-Sooooo, you already KNOW that the people of Israel won't listen to me? Why am going then?

God informs Zekey that if he doesn't go tell the people of Israel that they are evil, God will kill them all, including Zeke. If he tells them, they may all die, but Ezekiel will be spared.



4:1 Thou also, son of man, take thee a tile, and lay it before thee, and pourtray upon it the city, even Jerusalem:

4:2 And lay siege against it, and build a fort against it, and cast a mount against it; set the camp also against it, and set battering rams against it round about.

-But first, God makes Zeke build a model of a fort so that he can besiege it... which is a "sign that Israel will fall."



Then the Lord makes Zeke lie on his left side for 390 days to make up for "Israel's 390 years of iniquity" and then on his right side for 40 days for "Judah's 40 years of iniquity." Then he makes Zeke eat and drink a bunch of specific things in specific amounts to represent various things that other people committed against God.

-If you see God descending towards you from heaven, run. He's only looking to make you jump through hoops and deliver messages to far away lands.

4:12 And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

-Now eat these barley cakes made out of shit. Human shit. And I want you to do it in front of people.



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5:1 And thou, son of man, take thee a sharp knife, take thee a barber's razor, and cause it to pass upon thine head and upon thy beard: then take thee balances to weigh, and divide the hair.

5:2 Thou shalt burn with fire a third part in the midst of the city, when the days of the siege are fulfilled: and thou shalt take a third part, and smite about it with a knife: and a third part thou shalt scatter in the wind; and I will draw out a sword after them.

-Now shave off your hair and beard and divide the pile into 3 parts. Burn one pile of hair in the middle of the city. Attack another pile with a knife. And throw the rest into a gust of wind.

Why are you doing this to me, God? What have I ever done to you? Are you THAT bored?



5:12 A third part of thee shall die with the pestilence, and with famine shall they be consumed in the midst of thee: and a third part shall fall by the sword round about thee; and I will scatter a third part into all the winds, and I will draw out a sword after them.

-God tries to justify the hair thing with a clumsy explanation. "You see... I'll kill a third with a sword like you knifed your hair... and then pestilence is kinda... like fire... it spreads... and then... the wind. (shrug)"



6:3 And say, Ye mountains of Israel, hear the word of the Lord GOD; Thus saith the Lord GOD to the mountains, and to the hills, to the rivers, and to the valleys; Behold, I, even I, will bring a sword upon you, and I will destroy your high places.

6:4 And your altars shall be desolate, and your images shall be broken: and I will cast down your slain men before your idols.

6:5 And I will lay the dead carcases of the children of Israel before their idols; and I will scatter your bones round about your altars.

-God starts doing what he does best. Shouting threats to anyone who will hear him. He does turn it up a notch there at the end.



7:2 Also, thou son of man, thus saith the Lord GOD unto the land of Israel; An end, the end is come upon the four corners of the land.

-Zekey runs around going "Awww shit, the world is gonna end, son!" (Notice the "four corners" line as well) With God following behind him spouting his hate-speech:

7:17 All hands shall be feeble, and all knees shall be weak as water.

7:25 Destruction cometh; and they shall seek peace, and there shall be none.

8:18 Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them.



God tells Ezekiel to go through the city of Jerusalem (I thought it was desolate and destroyed) and make a mark on anyone that cries out for an end to idol/other god worshiping. These are the only ones that will be saved from the massacre.

9:6 Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark; and begin at my sanctuary. Then they began at the ancient men which were before the house.

And the genocide was carried out by a group of soldiers helping Zeke.



The 4 headed creatures appear before Ezekiel again and... things get weird.

10:10 And as for their appearances, they four had one likeness, as if a wheel had been in the midst of a wheel.

10:12 And their whole body, and their backs, and their hands, and their wings, and the wheels, were full of eyes round about, even the wheels that they four had.

10:13 As for the wheels, it was cried unto them in my hearing, O wheel.

-So the creatures are wheels made of wheels, which are covered in eyes, and God yells "O Wheel!" at the wheels. Riiiiiiiight.







The spirits pick up Ezekiel and take him to the next place, the "Lord's house" (huh?) where 25 men are hanging out, so God has Zeke preach to them, and one of them falls over dead. Then God vows to kill the other 24 eventually and the spirits pick of Ezekiel again and take him to Babylon. Wow. What?



13:2 Son of man, prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy, and say thou unto them that prophesy out of their own hearts, Hear ye the word of the LORD;

-Ehhhh. You lost me at prophesy.



13:18 And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt souls! Will ye hunt the souls of my people, and will ye save the souls alive that come unto you?

13:20 Wherefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I am against your pillows, wherewith ye there hunt the souls to make them fly, and I will tear them from your arms, and will let the souls go, even the souls that ye hunt to make them fly.

-God hates... armpit pillows? And soul hunters? What is happening to coherent sentences?



God doing his usual standup routine: blood and plague and slay and sword and fire and more blood and suffering "and you will know that I am the LORD."






16:3 And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD unto Jerusalem;

-God starts talking to Jerusalem as if it were a woman...

16:6 And when I passed by thee, and saw thee polluted in thine own blood, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live; yea, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live.

16:7 I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare.

16:8 Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy unclothedness: yea, I sware unto thee, and entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord GOD, and thou becamest mine.

-"So hey Jerusalem, I was walking by the other day and I was like whoa, you are COVERED in blood, but damn, nice breasts and hair. I think it's time for love, let me cover your unclothedness with my skirt."

-And he goes on saying he "cleaned and dressed you, and put fine jewelry on you, and took care of you" ...even though I seem to remember it was the Lord who caused the blood in the first place. Like spouse abuse, the Lord punches Jerusalem in the face, but then cleans her up later.




The Lord then explains to her that she DID ask for it:

16:15 But thou didst trust in thine own beauty, and playedst the harlot because of thy renown, and pouredst out thy fornications on every one that passed by; his it was.

16:16 And of thy garments thou didst take, and deckedst thy high places with divers colours, and playedst the harlot thereupon: the like things shall not come, neither shall it be so.

16:17 Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of my gold and of my silver, which I had given thee, and madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them.

-If you didn't have sex with everyone that walked by and take my gifts for granted, I wouldn't have to hit you, baby.

-This is becoming one of my favorite chapters in the Bible.


16:22 And in all thine abominations and thy whoredoms thou hast not remembered the days of thy youth, when thou wast naked and bare, and wast polluted in thy blood.

16:26 Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh; and hast increased thy whoredoms, to provoke me to anger.

-Remember your youthful days, Jerusalem, when you went and slept with the big-dicked Egyptians (great of flesh)? This is fantastic. God himself is describing his intimate moments with this LovePeddler of a city.


16:28 Thou hast played the LovePeddler also with the Assyrians, because thou wast unsatiable; yea, thou hast played the harlot with them, and yet couldest not be satisfied.

16:29 Thou hast moreover multiplied thy fornication in the land of Canaan unto Chaldea; and yet thou wast not satisfied therewith.

16:30 How weak is thine heart, saith the LORD GOD, seeing thou doest all these things, the work of an imperious whorish woman;

16:32 But as a wife that committeth adultery, which taketh strangers instead of her husband!

16:33 They give gifts to all whores: but thou givest thy gifts to all thy lovers, and hirest them, that they may come unto thee on every side for thy whoredom.

16:35 Wherefore, O harlot, hear the word of the LORD:

16:36 Thus saith the Lord GOD; Because thy filthiness was poured out, and thy unclothedness discovered through thy whoredoms with thy lovers, and with all the idols of thy abominations, and by the blood of thy children, which thou didst give unto them;

16:37 Behold, therefore I will gather all thy lovers, with whom thou hast taken pleasure, and all them that thou hast loved, with all them that thou hast hated; I will even gather them round about against thee, and will discover thy unclothedness unto them, that they may see all thy unclothedness.

16:38 And I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged; and I will give thee blood in fury and jealousy.

16:39 And I will also give thee into their hand, and they shall throw down thine eminent place, and shall break down thy high places: they shall strip thee also of thy clothes, and shall take thy fair jewels, and leave thee naked and bare.

16:40 They shall also bring up a company against thee, and they shall stone thee with stones, and thrust thee through with their swords.

-In case you didn't get all that, the LovePeddler Jerusalem had sex with Assyrians, Canaanites, Chaldeans, and complete strangers, but still was not satisfied. So she hired men to "come in unto her on every side. And because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her unclothedness before all of her lovers. After exposing her unclothedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords."

That calls for a round of Pimpin' Jesus pics!



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20:49 Then said I, Ah Lord GOD! they say of me, Doth he not speak parables?

-Roughly translated, "Is he fucking crazy? (SAB)



God talks about how sharp and shiny his sword will be for the slaughter.



22:20 As they gather silver, and brass, and iron, and lead, and tin, into the midst of the furnace, to blow the fire upon it, to melt it; so will I gather you in mine anger and in my fury, and I will leave you there, and melt you.

22:21 Yea, I will gather you, and blow upon you in the fire of my wrath, and ye shall be melted in the midst therof.

-Is it just me, or does it seem like God is becoming more and more unhinged as the Bible progresses. I mean he's not even trying to separate the righteous from the wicked anymore (21:3)



ANOTHER STORY ABOUT WHORES

23:1 The word of the LORD came again unto me, saying,

23:2 Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother:

23:3 And they committed whoredoms in Egypt; they committed whoredoms in their youth: there were their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity.

-Dammit God, I'm trying to sleep. Stop showing up and talking about whores you once knew and their virgin teats.


23:5 And Aholah played the harlot when she was mine; and she doted on her lovers, on the Assyrians her neighbours,

23:7 Thus she committed her whoredoms with them, with all them that were the chosen men of Assyria, and with all on whom she doted: with all their idols she defiled herself.

23:8 Neither left she her whoredoms brought from Egypt: for in her youth they lay with her, and they bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her.

23:10 These discovered her unclothedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword: and she became famous among women; for they had executed judgment upon her.

23:11 And when her sister Aholibah saw this, she was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms.

23:14 And that she increased her whoredoms: for when she saw men pourtrayed upon the wall, the images of the Chaldeans pourtrayed with vermilion,

23:28 For thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will deliver thee into the hand of them whom thou hatest, into the hand of them from whom thy mind is alienated:

23:29 And they shall deal with thee hatefully, and shall take away all thy labour, and shall leave thee naked and bare: and the unclothedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms.

23:30 I will do these things unto thee, because thou hast gone a whoring after the heathen, and because thou art polluted with their idols.

23:34 Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt break the sherds thereof, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD.

23:47 And the company shall stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire.

23:48 Thus will I cause lewdness to cease out of the land, that all women may be taught not to do after your lewdness.

-RECAP: Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's unclothedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. But the fate of the surviving sister was even worse. Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. (SAB)


How am I just now discovering the book of Ezekial?



GOD COOKS HUMAN FLESH IN A POT


24:3 And utter a parable unto the rebellious house, and say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Set on a pot, set it on, and also pour water into it:

24:4 Gather the pieces thereof into it, even every good piece, the thigh, and the shoulder; fill it with the choice bones.

24:5 Take the choice of the flock, and burn also the bones under it, and make it boil well, and let them seethe the bones of it therein.

24:6 Wherefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! bring it out piece by piece; let no lot fall upon it.

24:10 Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned.

24:11 Then set it empty upon the coals thereof, that the brass of it may be hot, and may burn, and that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed.

-This is my longest review by far, but I can't skip over delightful stories like these!



God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her, then tells all the Israelites that he's going to kill their children and they shouldn't mourn either. Then he threatens to "stretch out his hand" over Moab, Philistine, and Tyrus and destroy things so that everyone will know that he is the LORD.







RING RING

RING RING

-What?

Hey it's God again, so this one time I knew this other LovePeddler...

-Christ, man! Again?

29:7 When they took hold of thee by thy hand, thou didst break, and rend all their shoulder: and when they leaned upon thee, thou brakest, and madest all their loins to be at a stand.

29:8 Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee.

-I don't even know what you're saying man! Loins are standing up and you're doing something with a sword?



Few more pages of God killing everyone and "pouring his fury" on random kingdoms (God is perpetually pissed). It's strange that the stuff I skip over and don't include isn't boring, unimportant stuff... but rather killing after killing that has become so commonplace that I feel it would be redundant to list them all.



Ezekiel shares his prophecies with the mountains at God's request, and then to a valley full of bones, which then become animated:

37:8 And when I beheld, lo, the sinews and the flesh came up upon them, and the skin covered them above: but there was no breath in them.

37:9 Then said he unto me, Prophesy unto the wind, prophesy, son of man, and say to the wind, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live.

37:10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet, an exceeding great army.

-YES. Ezekiel raises an army of undead skeletons to "walk the land of Israel" ...and then never mentions them again. This is beyond ridiculous. Like worse than Dungeons and Dragons.







Chapter 40-43 consist entirely of collections of measurements... taken by a "man who had the appearance of brass"... of an imaginary building.



The rest of the book is spent with God giving implicit instructions on animal sacrifices, how to do it, how to prepare it, how to sprinkle the blood, what the priests should be wearing when they do it, etc. I feel like I've stumbled onto a hidden treasure chest in the Bible. Congrats if you've read this whole thing. That was a lot of text, but damn did I enjoy it.

We are now entering into what is called The Book of the Twelve, called such because these last 12 books were by minor prophets.
So I guess they were only "slightly in touch with God."




1:9 Now God had brought Daniel into favour and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs.

-Starting things off with a bromance.



Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah go before King Nebuchadnezzar and because God had just blessed them for maintaining their vegan status (1:15), the king considered them to be geniuses.

1:20 And in all matters of wisdom and understanding, that the king enquired of them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers that were in all his realm.

-Even better than the magicians and astrologers, the dominant scientific fields of the time, which would explain the rich logic that runs through this book like a vein of ore runs through a mountain.

-And of course the modern day translations are fun to look at: "wonder workers, scribes, users of secret arts, diviners, wise men" or my favorite featured comment of the site...

"Magicians and astrologers - Probably the same as philosophers and astronomers among us." Yes, because magician and astrologer is basically synonymous with philosopher and astronomer. I'm going to start telling people that I majored in Magic for 2 years.



King Nebuchadnezzar has a bad dream, then calls all his magicians and astrologers to his bed and asked them to interpret the dream. And they say, "Sure, just tell us what your dream was." To which the king says, "No, because then you'll have time to figure out a fake interpretation. If you're really wise men, then YOU tell ME my dream and THEN interpret it." The magicians claims that no man on the planet could do that, so the king orders all the wise men in kingdom killed, including Daniel and his friends.

Daniel hears of this and goes to the king and says "I can do it, because God is on my side."

2:31 Thou, O king, sawest, and behold a great image. This great image, whose brightness was excellent, stood before thee; and the form thereof was terrible.

2:32 This image's head was of fine gold, his breast and his arms of silver, his belly and his thighs of brass,

2:33 His legs of iron, his feet part of iron and part of clay.

2:34 Thou sawest till that a stone was cut out without hands, which smote the image upon his feet that were of iron and clay, and brake them to pieces.

2:35 Then was the iron, the clay, the brass, the silver, and the gold, broken to pieces together, and became like the chaff of the summer threshingfloors; and the wind carried them away, that no place was found for them: and the stone that smote the image became a great mountain, and filled the whole earth.

2:36 This is the dream; and we will tell the interpretation thereof before the king.

-He saw a gold headed image, with silver chest and arms, brass belly and thighs, and iron legs, with feet part iron and part clay. A stone smashed the image, scattering the gold, silver, brass, and iron in the wind. The stone became a great mountain that filled the whole earth.

-And his interpretation is: The image's gold head is Nebuchadnezzar. He will be replaced by another kingdom (silver chest and arms), which will be replaced by a third kingdom (brass belly and thighs), and a fourth kingdom (iron legs). This last kingdom with be both stong and weak (feet of iron and clay). Then God will raise up one final kingdom, which will destoy the other kingdoms and last forever.



2:46 Then the king Nebuchadnezzar fell upon his face, and worshipped Daniel, and commanded that they should offer an oblation and sweet odours unto him.

2:48 Then the king made Daniel a great man, and gave him many great gifts, and made him ruler over the whole province of Babylon, and chief of the governors over all the wise men of Babylon.

-Daniel also put his 3 buddies in charge of the affairs of Babylon. All this because Daniel correctly guessed the dream. King Nebuchadnezzar isn't a person, he's a game show. And the prizes are amazing.



The king builds a huge statue out of gold and invites all the "princes, the governors, and the captains, the judges, the treasurers, the counsellors, the sheriffs, and all the rulers of the provinces, to come to the dedication of the image."

3:4 Then an herald cried aloud, To you it is commanded, O people, nations, and languages,

3:5 That at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the golden image that Nebuchadnezzar the king hath set up:

3:6 And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth shall the same hour be cast into the midst of a burning fiery furnace.

-We have gathered here today to worship this statue the king made. Whoever wishes to not participate in the grovelling will be thrown into a fiery furnace. The choice is yours.



Someone notices that David's friends aren't grovelling to the statue, so they tell the king and the king accuses them and they say it's against their religion to worship other gods and idols. So the king demands that the fiery furnace be heated 7 times hotter than usual, then has guards throw the men into it. The fires are so hot that the guards die while throwing them in.

3:23 And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:24 Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

3:25 He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

-The 3 men aren't affected by the fire and the king sees a fourth person who "is like the Son of God" ...which is strange, since such a thing hasn't existed yet to reference.

-The king pulls them out and praises their god, and says:

3:28 Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who hath sent his angel, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the king's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God.

3:29 Therefore I make a decree, That every people, nation, and language, which speak any thing amiss against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill: because there is no other God that can deliver after this sort.

-From now on, whoever says something bad about this particular god will be cut into pieces, because no other gods can demonstrate their powers like this god can. Nebuchadnezzar has a pretty aggressive style. Pray to this statue or die, alright now pray to this god or die.



I could just post one pic... but I do love FIRE!




And my personal favorite:


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(PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT I CONSTANTLY IGNORE COPYRIGHT LOGOS! FOR I AM DOING THE WORK OF THE LORD)



Chapter 4 is supposedly written by Nebuchadnezzar himself and tells of another dream he has, something about a giant tree that gets chopped down and Daniel tells him it's a metaphor for what will become of the king.



Chapter 5 is about king Belshazzar, "Nebuchadnezzar's son" ...which is incorrect.

-Apparently, the author of Daniel knew of only two Babylonian kings during the period of the exile: Nebuchadnezzar and Belshazzar, who he wrongly thought was the son of Nebuchadnezzar. But Nebuchadnezzar died in 562 BCE and was succeeded by his son, Awil-Marduk (referred to in the bible as "Evilmerodach". (SAB)



5:5 In the same hour came forth fingers of a man's hand, and wrote over against the candlestick upon the plaister of the wall of the king's palace: and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote.

5:6 Then the king's countenance was changed, and his thoughts troubled him, so that the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against another.

-Belshaz (his new nickname) sees a detached hand writing on the wall, so his knees start shaking and the "joints of his loins loosed?" His balls dropped?



5:8 Then came in all the king's wise men: but they could not read the writing, nor make known to the king the interpretation thereof.

-So the Queen tells Belshaz about a guy who helped "his father" with a similar problem. Daniel, The Master Interpreter, is brought in to help. Daniel says that the scribblings say that Belshaz's kingdom has been evaluated and found to be wanting, therefore the kingdom shall be divided and given away.

Daniel is proclaimed "third ruler of the kingdom" ...and then later that night, Belshaz is mysteriously killed.



The new king preferred Daniel above everyone else in his kingdom because Daniel was such a perfect guy. The other administrators tried to find something wrong with him, but they couldn't. So they came up with another plan: attack his religion. Have the king sign a decree saying that anyone who asked any god or man (other than the king) for anything in the next thirty days will be fed to the lions.

When Daniel heard about the new decree, he immediately broke it by going to his room to pray. The conspirators caught him in the act and told the king, who "cast Daniel into the lion den saying, "Don't worry. God will deliver you." (SAB)







The king checks on Daniel and the lions the next morning and BEHOLD!!! angels have closed the lion's mouths.

6:24 And the king commanded, and they brought those men which had accused Daniel, and they cast them into the den of lions, them, their children, and their wives; and the lions had the mastery of them, and brake all their bones in pieces or ever they came at the bottom of the den.

-So the king throws the entire family of the accusers into the lions den, where their bones were broken under the lion's teeth.







This time Daniel has a dream of a bunch of different frankenstein animals with random body parts, which I'm sure means something important. Daniel has a lot more visions and is visited by a babbling angel named Gabriel, none of which are very exciting.

1:2 The beginning of the word of the LORD by Hosea. And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD.

-God tells Hosea, "You might as well go get yourself a LovePeddler wife and have LovePeddler children, since everyone else in the land is doing it. Hosea doesn't pick up on the sarcasm.

1:3 So he went and took Gomer the daughter of Diblaim; which conceived, and bare him a son.







1:4 And the LORD said unto him, Call his name Jezreel; for yet a little while, and I will avenge the blood of Jezreel upon the house of Jehu, and will cause to cease the kingdom of the house of Israel.

-Name your child Jezreel so I can kill things in his name.

1:6 And she conceived again, and bare a daughter. And God said unto him, Call her name Loruhamah: for I will no more have mercy upon the house of Israel; but I will utterly take them away.

-Name your second child Loruhamah (which means "unloved", because I will be show no mercy while destroying Israel.

1:9 Then said God, Call his name Loammi: for ye are not my people, and I will not be your God.

-Name your third child Loammi, because I just don't give a shit anymore. Me and Israel are totally done.



2:2 Plead with your mother, plead: for she is not my wife, neither am I her husband: let her therefore put away her whoredoms out of her sight, and her adulteries from between her breasts;

2:3 Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born, and make her as a wilderness, and set her like a dry land, and slay her with thirst.

2:4 And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms.

2:5 For their mother hath played the harlot: she that conceived them hath done shamefully:

-At first I thought that Hosea was suddenly denouncing his LovePeddler wife ("she is not my wife", but after this person is done ripping on her, it says:

2:13 And I will visit upon her the days of Baalim, wherein she burned incense to them, and she decked herself with her earrings and her jewels, and she went after her lovers, and forgat me, saith the LORD.

-So God is pretending that Gomer is HIS LovePeddler wife and he's berating her for not being faithful to him? These later books are proof that the God of Abraham has lost his mind.



3:1 Then said the LORD unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the LORD toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine.

-Hey Hosea, go cheat on your wife with a drunk chick who worships other gods. It's a party up in here.


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The Lord drones on about whores and how whorish everyone is and how the whores will go a whoring in their whorish ways.




When he's done verbally penetrating whores, he goes off on how the city of Ephraim (which I understand to be his other name for Israel... Genesis 48) is evil and he will kill their children and make women's wombs miscarry and dry up their breasts.



13:16 Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.

-Enough of this. Someone has to stop God from killing. And I've got a secret weapon.


DROP THE ELBOW, MACHO MAN!!

I'll give you 100 chances to guess how the book begins, but you'll only need 1.

1:15 Alas for the day! for the day of the LORD is at hand, and as a destruction from the Almighty shall it come.

-Here comes the Lord again, using another "prophet" to spread word about his destruction of things.



2:13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil.

-Yes. The great and kind, God, who has displayed his mercy time and time again... by destroying innocents because he desires their land or simply because he's bored.



2:31 The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and terrible day of the LORD come.

-You know... it's been THOUSANDS of years since you threatened this stuff, Lord. Are you gonna get around to it sometime? Or are you busy somewhere making MORE universes and beings that you can punish for ignoring your invisibility?



That's it. Book over. 3 chapters of the Lord threatening to bring the hammer down on everyone.

God visits a sheep herder named Amos. And the reason for his visit?

(Drumroll)
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PUNISHMENT OF MANKIND! javascript:void(0);





1:4 But I will send a fire into the house of Hazael, which shall devour the palaces of Benhadad.

-You know... I'm assuming God isn't going to have a radical change of heart in the last few chapters and start being kind to everyone. My count of vengeful god vs caring god is like 20,453 to 6.
The OT is a terrible book... but we'll save that for the post-OT review session.



1:7 But I will send a fire on the wall of Gaza

1:10 But I will send a fire on the wall of Tyrus

1:12 But I will send a fire upon Teman

2:2 But I will send a fire upon Moab

2:5 But I will send a fire upon Judah

-God loves to burn people alive. Kid with a magnifying glass.



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5:18 Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light.

5:19 As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him.

5:20 Shall not the day of the LORD be darkness, and not light? even very dark, and no brightness in it?

-Sounds to me like God is asking why anyone would look forward to judgement day, since it's going to be darkness and pain for everyone.



5:21 I hate, I despise your feast days, and I will not smell in your solemn assemblies.

5:22 Though ye offer me burnt offerings and your meat offerings, I will not accept them: neither will I regard the peace offerings of your fat beasts.

5:23 Take thou away from me the noise of thy songs; for I will not hear the melody of thy viols.

5:24 But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.

5:25 Have ye offered unto me sacrifices and offerings in the wilderness forty years, O house of Israel?

-Because the people of Israel haven't offered animal sacrifices for 40 years, God decides that even if they DID offer them now, he wouldn't take them. And also, you all smell terrible and I hate your stupid songs.



6:8 The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself, saith the LORD the God of hosts, I abhor the excellency of Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city with all that is therein.

6:9 And it shall come to pass, if there remain ten men in one house, that they shall die.

-And you know what? Jacob's palaces are stupid too. So stupid that I'm going to destroy them. And don't let me catch a bunch of guys living in the same house or I'll kill them too.



8:1 Thus hath the Lord GOD shewed unto me: and behold a basket of summer fruit.

8:2 And he said, Amos, what seest thou? And I said, A basket of summer fruit. Then said the LORD unto me, The end is come upon my people of Israel; I will not again pass by them any more.

8:3 And the songs of the temple shall be howlings in that day, saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place; they shall cast them forth with silence.

Lord: Hey Amos, what does this look like to you?
Amos: Uhhhh, summer fruit?
Lord: ...I'm gonna kill those fucking Israelis.
Amos: ...?


=



8:7 The LORD hath sworn by the excellency of Jacob, Surely I will never forget any of their works.

-But you just said... but... (turns back 2 pages)

"6:8 The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself, saith the LORD the God of hosts, I abhor the excellency of Jacob"



8:9 And it shall come to pass in that day, saith the Lord GOD, that I will cause the sun to go down at noon, and I will darken the earth in the clear day:

-Cause the sun to go down at noon? But that's physically impossible for sun to go down at noon for the entire world. And if you tilted the earth so that there was little sun for Israel, that means that on the opposite side of the earth, some poor bastards are only getting about three hours of darkness.



9:1 I saw the LORD standing upon the altar: and he said, Smite the lintel of the door, that the posts may shake: and cut them in the head, all of them; and I will slay the last of them with the sword: he that fleeth of them shall not flee away, and he that escapeth of them shall not be delivered.

9:3 And though they hide themselves in the top of Carmel, I will search and take them out thence; and though they be hid from my sight in the bottom of the sea, thence will I command the serpent, and he shall bite them:

-Amos sees God (in human form?) standing on an altar?? The Lord says that any that try to run from the Lord's sword will be put down. Even if they hide at the bottom of the sea, the Lord will use his telepathy and command serpents to attack.

1:1 Now the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the son of Amittai, saying,

1:2 Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me.

-God tells someone to drop what they're doing and go be the voice of vengeance towards some random "wicked" civilization (sound familiar?).



1:3 But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD.

1:4 But the LORD sent out a great wind into the sea, and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, so that the ship was like to be broken.

-But apparently Jonah had heard of what happened to all the other "prophets" of the Lord, because he took off running like a sane person. God was having none of that. He sent a tempest to drown Jonah.



1:15 So they look up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging.

1:17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

-Which of course is absolutely possible, since the giant fish was under telepathic orders from God not to digest him.







Jonah prays to God from inside the fish saying "Ok, you got me. Let me out of here and I will praise your name and do what you ask."

2:10 And the LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.

-God said to the fish, "Grrrrggggllllgrrllgrel" which is of course Fish for "Let him go." I think it also means something in Murlock (Warcraft joke).



3:4 And Jonah began to enter into the city a day's journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown.

-Jonah delivers God's message and the people of Nineveh put on "sackcloths" and repented.

3:10 And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them; and he did it not.

-And God's like "oh nevermind, you've learned your lesson." Which... kind of makes the whole trip seem like a waste. I mean couldn't God have appeared to the people of Nineveh themselves since God (being omnipotent and all) knew that they would quickly repent?



4:1 But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

4:2 And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country?

-Jonah shares my confusion and goes off to sulk.

4:4 Then said the LORD, Doest thou well to be angry?

-God tells Jonah his attitude isn't very helpful.



So to "prove a point" God makes a gourd grow up over Jonah and provide shade for him, which removes Jonah's grief. The next day, God has worms eat the gourd, and Jonah passes out from the sun. Then God asks:

4:9 And God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? And he said, I do well to be angry, even unto death.

4:10 Then said the LORD, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night:

4:11 And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more then sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?

-God points out in an overly intricate and convoluted way that Jonah doesn't seem to care about the people God almost slaughtered, but cares about the demise of a gourd.







This whole story was pointless

AKA, something to read in between pasting quotes from Pasture on your facebook so your friends can join you in laughing at him



I'm going to compact these into more obvious structures, since all these books are the same thing.


PERSON GOD CONTACTED THIS TIME:

Micah


REASON FOR THE CONTACT:

Destruction and punishment (the usual)


List of ways God is going to destroy things:

1:3 For, behold, the LORD cometh forth out of his place, and will come down, and tread upon the high places of the earth.

1:4 And the mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft, as wax before the fire, and as the waters that are poured down a steep place.

1:6 Therefore I will make Samaria as an heap of the field, and as plantings of a vineyard: and I will pour down the stones thereof into the valley, and I will discover the foundations thereof.

1:7 And all the graven images thereof shall be beaten to pieces, and all the hires thereof shall be burned with the fire, and all the idols thereof will I lay desolate: for she gathered it of the hire of an harlot, and they shall return to the hire of an harlot.

1:8 Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls.

3:12 Therefore shall Zion for your sake be plowed as a field, and Jerusalem shall become heaps, and the mountain of the house as the high places of the forest.

5:12 And I will cut off witchcrafts out of thine hand; and thou shalt have no more soothsayers:

5:15 And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard.

6:13 Therefore also will I make thee sick in smiting thee, in making thee desolate because of thy sins.

6:14 Thou shalt eat, but not be satisfied; and thy casting down shall be in the midst of thee; and thou shalt take hold, but shalt not deliver; and that which thou deliverest will I give up to the sword.

6:15 Thou shalt sow, but thou shalt not reap; thou shalt tread the olives, but thou shalt not anoint thee with oil; and sweet wine, but shalt not drink wine.







2:1 Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil

-Woe to them that devise evil!

2:3 Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil

-Wait, what?



7:5 Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom.

-Damn friends, guides, and lovers... deceitful liars and whores is what they are.











Ok, I haven't even looked yet. 1000 bucks says the Lord contacts a guy named Nahum because he wants to destroy things and wants Nahum to be his voice. Let's have a look.



1:1 The burden of Nineveh. The book of the vision of Nahum the Elkoshite.

1:2 God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; the LORD will take vengeance on his adversaries, and he reserveth wrath for his enemies.

1:3 The LORD is slow to anger, and great in power, and will not at all acquit the wicked: the LORD hath his way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet.

1:4 He rebuketh the sea, and maketh it dry, and drieth up all the rivers: Bashan languisheth, and Carmel, and the flower of Lebanon languisheth.

1:5 The mountains quake at him, and the hills melt, and the earth is burned at his presence, yea, the world, and all that dwell therein.

1:6 Who can stand before his indignation? and who can abide in the fierceness of his anger? his fury is poured out like fire, and the rocks are thrown down by him.

-Alright? I guess I was kinda right? This time he seems angry at the earth itself. Those mountains and oceans have pissed him off and he will have vengeance.



2:3 The shield of his mighty men is made red, the valiant men are in scarlet: the chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his preparation, and the fir trees shall be terribly shaken.

2:4 The chariots shall rage in the streets, they shall justle one against another in the broad ways: they shall seem like torches, they shall run like the lightnings.

-I don't understand... what this book is saying. It's like a bad poet on Spoken Word night at the jazz club. Fir trees? Flaming chariots as fast as lightning?



2:8 But Nineveh is of old like a pool of water: yet they shall flee away. Stand, stand, shall they cry; but none shall look back.

2:10 She is empty, and void, and waste: and the heart melteth, and the knees smite together, and much pain is in all loins, and the faces of them all gather blackness.

-Alright. We've discovered the "wicked" city that will feel his wrath... and she'll make everybody's balls hurt.



3:3 The horseman lifteth up both the bright sword and the glittering spear: and there is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcases; and there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses:

3:4 Because of the multitude of the whoredoms of the well favoured harlot, the mistress of witchcrafts, that selleth nations through her whoredoms, and families through her witchcrafts.

3:7 And it shall come to pass, that all they that look upon thee shall flee from thee, and say, Nineveh is laid waste: who will bemoan her? whence shall I seek comforters for thee?

-Blah blah blah. Another random city called a LovePeddler and laid to waste by the great merciful douchebag.

You know the deal. God says he'll destroy some city.

He so angry, He destroy you long time.



2:16 Thou art filled with shame for glory: drink thou also, and let thy foreskin be uncovered: the cup of the LORD's right hand shall be turned unto thee, and shameful spewing shall be on thy glory.

-Uncover my foreskin and spew my shame all over my glory? You got it, God. What's that? You'll cup me with your right hand? Thanks.







No wonder they call this book Mess ...errr Habakkuk.



3:3 God came from Teman, and the Holy One from mount Paran. Selah. His glory covered the heavens, and the earth was full of his praise.

3:4 And his brightness was as the light; he had horns coming out of his hand: and there was the hiding of his power.

3:5 Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet.

-God had horns coming out of his hand, burning coals at his feet, and brought forth a pestilence. Now who does that sound like?






3:10 The mountains saw thee, and they trembled: the overflowing of the water passed by: the deep uttered his voice, and lifted up his hands on high.

3:11 The sun and moon stood still in their habitation: at the light of thine arrows they went, and at the shining of thy glittering spear.

-God frightens mountains and make the Sun... stand still... even though... the Sun already stands still.



That's all I got out of it. You know... for necessary, divine books directly from God to mankind... these all seem like filler material.
I could very easily have lived my life without ever knowing the contents of Habakkuk.

1:1 The word of the LORD which came unto Zephaniah the son of Cushi...

-Step 1, contact random goat herder. Step 2?

1:2 I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD.

1:3 I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fowls of the heaven, and the fishes of the sea, and the stumbling blocks with the wicked: and I will cut off man from off the land, saith the LORD.

-WOW. He didn't even tap dance around for a few verses or introduce himself. Just, "Hey Zephaniah! I'm gonna fucking destroy EVERYTHING MUAHAHAHAHA!"







1:7 Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.

1:8 And it shall come to pass in the day of the LORD's sacrifice, that I will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel.

-So the day of the Lord is at hand... but it shall come to pass? NOW IS THE TIME... for me to tell you about the future. And God doesn't like funny clothes.



1:14 The great day of the LORD is near, it is near, and hasteth greatly, even the voice of the day of the LORD: the mighty man shall cry there bitterly.

1:15 That day is a day of wrath, a day of trouble and distress, a day of wasteness and desolation, a day of darkness and gloominess, a day of clouds and thick darkness,

-So now the day is NEAR. The Lord seems to be getting off on just thinking about this approaching doom.



1:17 And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung.

-Fap fap fap.



God starts listing all the things he's going to destroy:

Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron, the sea coast, Canaan, the Philistines, Moab, the children of Ammon, Ethiopians, Assyrians, and Nineveh.



3:8 Therefore wait ye upon me, saith the LORD, until the day that I rise up to the prey: for my determination is to gather the nations, that I may assemble the kingdoms, to pour upon them mine indignation, even all my fierce anger: for all the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy.

3:9 For then will I turn to the people a pure language, that they may all call upon the name of the LORD, to serve him with one consent.

3:12 I will also leave in the midst of thee an afflicted and poor people, and they shall trust in the name of the LORD.

-After the Lord destroys everything in a fit of rage, whoever survives will be awed and humbled and will surely worship this psychopath.







God demands that people build him a house on a mountaintop (why?) and they ignore him and repair their own houses. So God brought a drought upon their land until they listened.



2:8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts.

-God and his need for material possessions.



2:22 And I will overthrow the throne of kingdoms, and I will destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the heathen; and I will overthrow the chariots, and those that ride in them; and the horses and their riders shall come down, every one by the sword of his brother.

-Sigh. Look God, this is getting goddamned monotonous. You could've condensed these last 12 books into one sentence. "I'm about to bring the pain on all you motherfuckers." You can call it the Book of Ohnohedidnt.

for those who dont know...fap is the sound effect of wanking

God wakes up Zechariah with an air horn (I'm assuming, he is a dick after all) and says:

1:2 The LORD hath been sore displeased with your fathers.

1:3 Therefore say thou unto them, Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Turn ye unto me, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will turn unto you, saith the LORD of hosts.

-Well. Much calmer approach this time. Simply tell them this. God must have taken his Valium.



1:8 I saw by night, and behold a man riding upon a red horse, and he stood among the myrtle trees that were in the bottom; and behind him were there red horses, speckled, and white.

-Zech sees a bunch of strange colored horses, who then talk and tell an angel that they have traveled the earth and it is calm (sitteth still and at rest), who then relays that to God.



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Next, 2 angels are hanging out talking to each other for some reason, and Zech sees a man "with a measuring line" who is trying to measure Jerusalem. So Zech says:

2:4 And said unto him, Run, speak to this young man, saying, Jerusalem shall be inhabited as towns without walls for the multitude of men and cattle therein:

2:5 For I, saith the LORD, will be unto her a wall of fire round about, and will be the glory in the midst of her.

-Get the hell out of here, buddy! God's gonna start setting things on fire!



3:1 And he shewed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right hand to resist him.

3:2 And the LORD said unto Satan, The LORD rebuke thee, O Satan; even the LORD that hath chosen Jerusalem rebuke thee: is not this a brand plucked out of the fire?

-Joshua, an angel, and Satan are hanging out. And God's like, "Get out of here Satan, you're cramping my style." Then they turn their noses up at Joshua's dirty clothes and give him clean ones... because dirt... is bad? I didn't know the Lord was such a snob.


This next part doesn't make too much sense. Decode it with me!



3:8 Hear now, O Joshua the high priest, thou, and thy fellows that sit before thee: for they are men wondered at: for, behold, I will bring forth my servant the BRANCH.

3:9 For behold the stone that I have laid before Joshua; upon one stone shall be seven eyes: behold, I will engrave the graving thereof, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will remove the iniquity of that land in one day.

3:10 In that day, saith the LORD of hosts, shall ye call every man his neighbour under the vine and under the fig tree.

-I bring forth my servant... the BRANCH? And this stone has seven eyes? I will engrave the graving? Everyone under the vine and fig trees is my neighbor?



4:1 And the angel that talked with me came again, and waked me, as a man that is wakened out of his sleep.

4:2 And said unto me, What seest thou? And I said, I have looked, and behold a candlestick all of gold, with a bowl upon the top of it, and his seven lamps thereon, and seven pipes to the seven lamps, which are upon the top thereof:

4:3 And two olive trees by it, one upon the right side of the bowl, and the other upon the left side thereof.

-Stop waking me up! What do you want? You wanted to show me a candlestick with a bowl on it with seven lamps on the bowl and also seven pipes and two trees? Yes that's a very impressive balancing trick, can I go back to sleep?



4:4 So I answered and spake to the angel that talked with me, saying, What are these, my lord?

4:5 Then the angel that talked with me answered and said unto me, Knowest thou not what these be? And I said, No, my lord.

4:6 Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the LORD unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.

-What are these supposed to be? This is the word of the Lord? You show me a bunch of pipes and lanterns on a bowl on a candlestick and expect me to understand? Why not just tell me?



4:11 Then answered I, and said unto him, What are these two olive trees upon the right side of the candlestick and upon the left side thereof?

4:12 And I answered again, and said unto him, What be these two olive branches which through the two golden pipes empty the golden oil out of themselves?

4:13 And he answered me and said, Knowest thou not what these be? And I said, No, my lord.

4:14 Then said he, These are the two anointed ones, that stand by the LORD of the whole earth.

-Stop messing with me angel, I already told you I didn't get it, so answer me already. "These are the two anointed ones?" What the hell does that mean?



5:7 And, behold, there was lifted up a talent of lead: and this is a woman that sitteth in the midst of the ephah.

5:8 And he said, This is wickedness. And he cast it into the midst of the ephah; and he cast the weight of lead upon the mouth thereof.

5:9 Then lifted I up mine eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came out two women, and the wind was in their wings; for they had wings like the wings of a stork: and they lifted up the ephah between the earth and the heaven.

5:10 Then said I to the angel that talked with me, Whither do these bear the ephah?

5:11 And he said unto me, To build it an house in the land of Shinar: and it shall be established, and set there upon her own base.

-A woman is the personification of evil. And two women with stork-like wings fly off to build a home base with an ephah... which google tells me is a unit of measurement. No, not confusing at all. Thanks for the easy-to-read moral lesson, Bible!



6:1 And I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came four chariots out from between two mountains; and the mountains were mountains of brass.

6:2 In the first chariot were red horses; and in the second chariot black horses;

6:3 And in the third chariot white horses; and in the fourth chariot grisled and bay horses.

6:4 Then I answered and said unto the angel that talked with me, What are these, my lord?

6:5 And the angel answered and said unto me, These are the four spirits of the heavens, which go forth from standing before the LORD of all the earth.

6:6 The black horses which are therein go forth into the north country; and the white go forth after them; and the grisled go forth toward the south country.

-Zechariah (really tripping balls on LSD at this point) sees the multi-colored horses again with chariots, who are apparently spirits of the heavens who travel the world...







6:12 And speak unto him, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, saying, Behold the man whose name is The BRANCH; and he shall grow up out of his place, and he shall build the temple of the LORD:

6:13 Even he shall build the temple of the LORD; and he shall bear the glory, and shall sit and rule upon his throne; and he shall be a priest upon his throne: and the counsel of peace shall be between them both.

-God's main man The BRANCH (so it's a man and not an actual branch) shows up and God says he'll eventually rule the temple... that he is to build. I would think that if you built a temple by yourself, it's already assumed that you should be the one to rule it.



7:9 Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, saying, Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother:

7:10 And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.

-Sayeth the man who mercilessly kills millions of widows, orphans, strangers, poor people, and brothers. It's nice to jam in a random moral teaching once every 10 books.



10:3 Mine anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats: for the LORD of hosts hath visited his flock the house of Judah, and hath made them as his goodly horse in the battle.

-Let's say that first part is a metaphor. So God was mad at his prophets or his religious leaders... so he punished his followers? What kind of bullshit discipline system are you running God? And why does God spend SO much time punishing his own followers rather than focusing on all the non-believers, like say... every civilization to the east?



God alternates between threatening to destroy his people and praising how great they will soon be. Then he names 2 sticks "Beauty" and "Bands."

11:10 And I took my staff, even Beauty, and cut it asunder, that I might break my covenant which I had made with all the people.

11:14 Then I cut asunder mine other staff, even Bands, that I might break the brotherhood between Judah and Israel.

-Doesn't that say right there that God broke his covenant with his people? So what the hell are we doing here? God has forsaken everyone and we should stop cutting the foreskins off our babies.



12:9 And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem.

-Lots and lots of nations have come against Jerusalem and won. The city has switched hands so many times that I, too would angrily accuse it of being a LovePeddler... if I were a crazy person.

The Edomites start off by asking God why he hates them and when will he stop hating them, to which God replies, "Everything you build, I will tear it down, because you constantly offer me blind and sickly animal sacrifices."

2:1 And now, O ye priests, this commandment is for you.

2:2 If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart.

2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.

-Start worshiping me better or I will make you impotent and smear shit on your face.



3:8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

3:9 Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.

3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

-God loves that money. It's a good thing we created currency out of arbitrary metals or else we would have nothing to appease God. Doesn't that sound strange that the author of this book wants you to bring all your money to a storehouse in exchange for blessings?







4:4 Remember ye the law of Moses my servant, which I commanded unto him in Horeb for all Israel, with the statutes and judgments.

-2nd verse from the end. Must be pretty important. Yet "the Old Testament laws don't apply anymore" sayeth the illiterate Christians.



And the very last piece of departing knowledge from the loving God?

4:6 And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.

-Ah, a threat and a curse. That's the deity we've all come to know.

Old Testament Recap
RECAP
RECAP
I have drudged through the teachings of the Old Testament. Let's summarize what we've learned.
RECAP



First: What in the almighty HELL are people talking about when they refer to the moral teachings of the Bible?

Please consider that I only included a few of the killings and sacrifices and genocides because it was getting redundant before I was even out of Leviticus. I would say there are about 10 times the amount of bloodshed and immoral acts than what I mentioned. I'm not exaggerating. The estimated 25 million listed by Dwindling in Disbelief couldn't all fit on my forum posts without making readers vomit.

And including the "good" teachings I skipped for not being overly groundbreaking ("be good to widows", I would estimate I observed roughly 20-25 verses that could be considered morally sound.

The "killing/raping/revenge" to "be kind/respect" ratio is about 1000:1.



I also left out about 5 times the amount of dragons, witches, sorcery, and necromancy that were mentioned, once again due to consideration for the reader. After 15 or 20 times, we get it. Same goes for all the references to the "foundations" or "edges" of the earth.






The description from Dawkins is quite accurate:

"The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully."



I also left a lot of things out because they aren't entertaining, and that was the driving purpose of the critique. Entertainingly honest.

Use Skeptics Annotated Bible if you're interested in finding all the:

Contradictions
or
Unfulfilled Prophecies






I would say the dominant words in the OT are:


Blood, Sacrifice, Fire, Destroy, Curse, Suffering, Plague, Pestilence, Famine, Flesh, Consume, Fear, Kill, Judgement, War, Smite, Punish, and Death




If God were a loving being and the Bible was his message, these words shouldn't even APPEAR in such a book, unless it was to condemn the action. But this God embraces and delights in causing suffering to mankind.

His message to us in nearly EVERY book is, "Kill this kingdom because they don't believe in me" or "Go forth and tell these people all the terrible things I will do to them" or "I am the LORD thy God and I will destroy you all for ignoring me."



The only reason anyone would have to praise this deity is out of shear FEAR, which he demands of his followers constantly.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that at no point does God say we should STOP giving him burnt offerings and sacrifices, and yet we ignore this important part of the Bible (because Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice!). God also seems to have stopped talking to us on a angry note. He was making prophecy that he would destroy all the cities and rebuild them with the faithful, but he was still pretty pissed at us.




NEW TESTAMENT








Feel free to discuss the OT while I'm working on the first post of the NT. I'm going to be more thorough with this one because 1. It's easier to read and 2. This is the whole kabootle. Christians everywhere dismiss the brutality of the OT with a shrug, saying they only follow Christ and his teachings. So let's dissect every thing this Christ character says. Let's compare him to the God of the OT, since they are supposedly the same person.

Let's take a journey and become Christians (again for some of us) and honestly decide if this person is worth worshiping.



First, I'd like to post a rough timeline of the dates when the books of the Bible were written. I understand this is debatable, but that the debate is usually between historians and christian apologists who are trying to make the dates fit their needs.

Here's a timeline that I give some credibility to, being that it's from a university and not from answersingenesis (though they do list their source as "christianstudycenter". If anyone sees errors, let me know.

Dates of the Bible


And from Wikipedia:

"Estimates for the dates when the canonical gospel accounts were written vary significantly; and the evidence for any of the dates is scanty. Because the earliest surviving complete copies of the gospels date to the 4th century and because only fragments and quotations exist before that, scholars use higher criticism to propose likely ranges of dates for the original gospel autographs. Scholars variously assess the majority view as follows:

Mark: c. 68–73, c 65-70
Matthew: c. 70–100. c 80-85.
Luke: c. 80–100, with most arguing for somewhere around 85, c 80-85
John: c 90-100, c. 90–110, The majority view is that it was written in stages, so there was no one date of composition.

Traditional Christian scholarship has generally preferred to assign earlier dates. Some historians interpret the end of the book of Acts as indicative, or at least suggestive, of its date; as Acts does not mention the death of Paul, generally accepted as the author of many of the Epistles, who was later put to death by the Romans c. 65. Acts is attributed to the author of the Gospel of Luke, which is believed to have been written before Acts, and therefore would shift the chronology of authorship back, putting Mark as early as the mid 50s. Here are the dates given in the modern NIV Study Bible (for a fuller discussion see Augustinian hypothesis):

Matthew: c. 50 to 70s
Mark: c. 50s to early 60s, or late 60s
Luke: c. 59 to 63, or 70s to 80s
John: c. 85 to near 100, or 50s to 70



So even conceding to the Christian belief that the earliest gospels were written in the early 50's, and that Jesus died, rose from the dead, and ascended to heaven sometime around 30-33 AD... you've still got a 20 year gap where nobody wrote shit. If I see a dude become a zombie, then float up to heaven in front of me... it doesn't take 20 years for me to grab a pen and jot the shit down. Especially if I devoted my life to following this person around, and have now just had my beliefs justified.

Are my dates or logic wrong here? History buffs feel free to throw in tidbits about the findings and alterations of the Gospels that help explain things, I'll be focusing on the text itself. The divine, irrefutable text.



This seems like the perfect amount of time to be waiting around for a messiah character and decide to fulfill your own prophecy. I mean if we had a religion that was conceived a few years ago and was gaining popularity, and then in 2031, nothing had happened yet that had been predicted in the doctrines of that religion, don't you think someone would attempt to fulfill it themselves? People are starting to talk, starting to question, getting restless, so you and your fellow believers go, "But I SAW the messiah just the other day! He... did magic... and walked on water! He cures people from leprosy! We ALL saw him!" And then you just take it from there. You sit down with your friends and make up a story, which is expanded on by later believers who recognized inconsistencies in your books. I mean people already do that today anyways. They've built fake arcs about 43 times now and tried unsuccessfully to bypass scientific scrutiny in their effort to conjure evidence.




So without any further adieu, let's dance with Jesus in the pale moonlight.

(Strap yourselves in, this is a ridiculously long post, and it's only the first half. But since every thing I write is like fine wine and deserving of careful consideration, you WILL READ EVERY DAMN WORD! Enjoy.)




1:1 The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.

1:2 Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat...

-The New Testament starts off with a boring genealogy of who begat who. Real dynamite start. I can't believe the publishing company allowed this intro.



1:18 Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.

-After wasting our time with a page of family trees, we are informed that Jesus is the child of "the Holy Ghost." You could have saved 20 verses and just said, "The Holy Ghost begat Jesus." And what the hell is a Holy Ghost?

-So God decides to take the form of a human fetus and teleport into a woman's sideways sloppy joe. Why? Why is a normal birthing necessary? Why doesn't God just take the form of a 30 year old man and appear before us like he's done so many times before? You get the feeling a woman trying to hide her whoredoms told a lie that would snowball out of control.







1:19 Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily.

-Joseph, aware that it wasn't his child since Mary never seemed to put out, hid the pregnancy away instead of... you know... proclaiming this miracle to the world.



1:22 Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,

1:23 Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.

1:24 Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:

1:25 And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS:

-But of course, the prophecy only spoke of a young woman, not a virgin, and then there's this Emmanuel claim again... which doesn't apply to anything. And this vision occurs while Joseph is dreaming (1:20). Who the hell wakes up and lives their lives according to their dreams? Last night, I dreamt that I was running through a forest, trying to elude family members who were trying to kill me for some reason. When I woke up, I didn't resume my fleeing, I recognized reality from brain activity.



2:1 Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem,

2:2 Saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him.

-Three "wise men" (where did we get "kings" from? the song?) follow a star from the east to Jerusalem.

2:3 When Herod the king had heard these things, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him.

-Because when 3 random dudes walk into town asking for the location of someone no one has ever heard of... the whole town and the king immediately believe them, and are deeply troubled.



2:5 And they said unto him, In Bethlehem of Judaea: for thus it is written by the prophet,

-Second lie about fulfilled prophecy from the OT. The verse is referring to the book of Micah... except that Micah states that a "military leader" will be born in Bethlehem Ephratah... which is a clan, not a town, and that this leader will defeat the Assyrians... which never happens. (SAB)

-Right off the bat you get the feeling that the New Testament was written simply to fulfill all the prophecies left open by the Old Testament.



2:9 When they had heard the king, they departed; and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was.

-Now stars are capable of flying around as they please and acting as waypoints. But of course, with God all things are possible... except that God is now a newborn child... or did he just split himself and is both a child AND a supreme deity watching over everyone... including his newborn self. But if that's true then the deity God allowed all the future stuff to happen to himself. He essentially crucified himself. Man this story is full of holes.







2:11 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh.

-So... at this point, all of Jerusalem and these 3 men believe this child is God or at least a prophet... all because some chick claimed that a Holy Ghost knocked her up. Easy crowd to convince. And notice that there's no mention of a manger in Matthew.



Joseph and Mary then take Jesus straight to Egypt to stay away from angry Herod.

-Even though Luke claims that they first ran to Nazareth... but again, I'm not here to point out inconsistencies. Those are found in the link at the OT recap.



2:16 Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had diligently enquired of the wise men.

-Such a massacre would certainly have been noted by contemporary historians. Yet not even Josephus, who documented Herod's life in detail, mentioned this event. (SAB)



2:19 But when Herod was dead, behold, an angel of the Lord appeareth in a dream to Joseph in Egypt,

2:20 Saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and go into the land of Israel: for they are dead which sought the young child's life.

-Why did they have to wait until the natural death of something that desired the demise of God reincarnate? Couldn't God (omnipotent space God) have taken care of this dick the way he killed everyone else who got in the way of his plans?



2:23 And he came and dwelt in a city called Nazareth: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophets, He shall be called a Nazarene.

-Alright, I guess I WILL be addressing prophecy since this book is trying so hard to prove itself. I just read the entire OT... WHERE did it say ANY prophet will be called a Nazarene?



3:1 In those days came John the Baptist, preaching in the wilderness of Judaea,

-Enter John the Baptist, the most homoerotic man ever depicted in art.



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3:6 And were baptized of him in Jordan, confessing their sins.

3:7 But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees come to his baptism, he said unto them, O generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come?

-John's a racist.



3:13 Then cometh Jesus from Galilee to Jordan unto John, to be baptized of him.

3:14 But John forbad him, saying, I have need to be baptized of thee, and comest thou to me?

3:15 And Jesus answering said unto him, Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness. Then he suffered him.

-John is correct in his logic. WHY does the Holiest of Holies need to be baptized? What sins are being cleansed from Jesus? Does the original sin apply to even Jesus when he is born? That doesn't make much sense.



3:16 And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him:

3:17 And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

-Soooooo, God either just spoke to himself... or Jesus actually was the literal son of God, aka a completely different entity from God. A sub-deity or a demigod. Why would God refer to himself as his son... if he wasn't the actual son? Why not just say, THIS IS ME IN HUMAN FORM?



4:1 Then was Jesus led up of the spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil.

4:2 And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungered.

4:3 And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.

4:4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

-God takes Jesus (himself) into the wilderness with the purpose of letting Satan tempt him. After assuming that "fasting" allows for eating at night, or else I'm baffled, Satan shows up and asks him to turn stone into bread to prove himself. But Jesus claims that "it is written that man shall not..." So Jesus is just following what he read in the Old Testament.







4:5 Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple,

4:6 And saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone.

4:7 Jesus said unto him, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.

-So now Jesus believes himself to be God, since he's referring to himself as the Lord, thy God.



4:8 Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them;

4:9 And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.

4:10 Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.

-All the kingdoms of the world... seen from the top of a mountain, eh? And how can Satan "give" kingdoms to Jesus? Does he own them? Jesus so far is just quoting things that have been written in the OT (the last one was even a misquote), which all conveniently applied to this random situation where Satan sets Jesus up to apply the old prophecies, then leaves.

-And also, WHO THE HELL is writing all this down? It's just Jesus and Satan in the wilderness and on mountaintops. Did Jesus tell this story later around a campfire to all his apostles? "Dude, this one time, me and Satan were on a hill..."



Jesus finds a bunch of fisherman (Peter, Andrew, James and John) and convinces them to be his posse. Then he starts healing sick people and gaining a reputation.




THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT




5:1 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:

5:2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

-Here it comes. God manifested himself as this person (or knocked up a hooker deity and birthed a son) so that he could inform people of these divine teachings. Here we go.



5:3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

-Poor in spirit. Poor. In spirit. Not actually poor... but lacking in spirituality...? Perhaps spirit as in "will" like their will has been broken by oppression? Little vague, Jesus, let's watch the wording.

5:4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

-Everybody mourns. I realize "evil men" are depicted as sadists gnashing their teeth and dancing around gleefully in their evil deeds, but ALL human beings mourn for one reason or another.

5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

-I understand "meek" to be humble and overly submissive. Why would God reward submission... wait that's a stupid question. He does love sheep after all. But submission is not a good thing. All the famous rebels and fighters for liberty and personal freedoms were the opposite of submissive. They defied, they rose against oppressors. Are we to assume this is bad?

5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

-There you go, Jesus. People who desire to see righteousness shall be rewarded. Nice, encouraging lesson. But hardly divine.

5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

-Ok

5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

-"Pure in heart" is rather ambiguous isn't it? Most evil dictators are only doing what is right in their heart, aren't they? I'm just saying, Jesus should be an absolute master of every language, correct? It's just language, and Jesus is a god, so his teachings should be the pinnacle of beauty and composition while perfectly delivering his message. So why is he being so succinct and ambiguous?

5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

-So why the hell are there so many Bible thumping, right-wingers who embrace war? And why so many Crusades and Holy Wars?

-"What was that?" "I think it was, 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.' Obviously it refers to any makers of dairy products" Get used to it, I'm gonna be quoting that movie throughout.

5:10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

-Now you're just repeating yourself. All out of moral teachings already?

5:11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

-You literally JUST said that with different wording. [End of Blessings]



5:14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

5:15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

-You are the torchbearers of God, so don't hide, but let it be known to all.



5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

-BAM! Mention #1 to uphold the laws of the OT. I forget how many mentions there are, so I hope this list is longer than 1.

"I am here to fulfill prophecies" sounds kind of strange. You would think that a prophet will just fulfill prophecies unconsciously... not like Jesus, who seems to be aware of the prophecies and is now trying to fulfill them.



5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

-Shazoozle! Very next verse, I'm technically up to #2. The laws of the OT shall stand forever, since to fulfill all prophecies would bring about the end of mankind in the day of the Lord.



5:21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:

5:22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

-If you kill or are angry with your brother for no reason, you might be in danger of judgement... but if you call someone a fool, you're pretty much condemned to hell.




Let's take a breather! This is a long critique but the NT is just so much fun!





5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

-While going over the commandments again, Jesus claims that adultery consists of simply lusting after a woman. Well then thanks for giving me uncontrollable erections and an overload of testosterone God. Shall we make women cover themselves in sheets, perhaps, to remove temptation (and their liberties)?




Look at those sexy eyes.



5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

5:30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

-It is better to poke out your eyes and cut off your hands than to risk being cast into hell. "Oh that part isn't meant to be taken LITERALLY silly!"



5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

-Women can only be divorced if they cheat on you (men can cheat all they want). And anyone that marries a divorcee is committing a sin (dirty evil women!).



Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, turn the other cheek, etc




5:40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

5:41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.

5:42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.

-Be an overachiever. If someone sues you, just give them all your stuff. Give to everyone that asks for money. Hmmm. I've got a few walking Christian wallets I need to contact.



5:43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

-This is the "divine" teaching I constantly hear about. "Jesus said love your enemies! Nobody had ever said something like that before him!" First, I don't necessarily agree with the message. If I'm faced with a Nazi who took delight in his involvement at the Auschwitz extermination camp... I don't see any moral reason to "love him" or "bless him." I may pity him and shed a tear of sorrow over the path a fellow human being has chosen. And how can a God who sends "his enemies" to eternal torture instruct us to "love" ours?



6:1 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.

6:2 Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

6:3 But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

-Keep your good deeds so secret that even your right hand is unaware of the deeds of your left hand. I... got nothing. Well done. Not god-like, but good advice. Let others be the ones to toot your horn, and be humble about it.



6:5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

6:6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

-Christians... PLEASE heed this advice. Listen to your Bible! Keep prayer out of schools and public events. Pray in private. If everyone started doing this, I would cease all hostilities towards Christians and would probably stop posting on this forum. This is exactly what I want. Keep your "creation science" theories private as well.



6:9 - 6:13 The Lord's Prayer



6:24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

6:25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

-Mammon is material wealth or greed, personified as a deity (like below). There are lots and lots of references in the NT that wealth and heaven are incompatible. Yet that doesn't seem to dissuade the preachers with the million dollar homes. The second part is pretty depressing, preaching the meaninglessness of this life. A big "what's the point" attitude.







7:1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

-Great Metallica lyric. Oh, and gays WILL BURN IN HELL. Ah, Christians. They know not what they do.



7:3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

-Don't be a hypocrite. Seems to be the most ignored teaching of the entire Bible.



7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

7:8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

-Mark Twain said there are "upwards of a thousand lies" in the Bible. This is probably the biggest. How many desperate, frightened, broken-hearted parents have watched their children die while begging God to help? (SAB)



7:13 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:

7:14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

-So God is aware that the majority of us are going to hell. Seems like he would do something to change that, like... oh I don't know... physically APPEAR before us one time in the past 2000 years, like he did so many other times before then.



7:21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

7:22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?

7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.


-Just because you constantly pray doesn't mean a thing. If you're not obeying the laws of the OT, you ain't going to heaven. So the way I see it, only certain Jews are going to heaven. Also, another mention of the father/son relationship.



7:28 And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine:

7:29 For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.

-They were astonished? A dude in a robe stood on a hill and said "be kind, humble, and righteous" and they were blown away by his wisdom?

"He taught them as one having authority" ...so because Jesus claimed to be godly instead of speaking for the gods, people were impressed.



Jesus touches a leper and heals him, then a soldier asks Jesus to heal his slave back at his house just by declaring it (though he doesn't seem to mind the whole "possession of slaves" aspect), then Jesus heals Peter's mother-in-law of a fever (the first pope had a wife?).

Then crowds gather around Jesus with their sick folks and he heals them, until he got claustrophobic and said, "Get away from me, I'm tired."

8:18 Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side.

8:19 And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.

8:20 And Jesus saith unto him, The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.







8:21 And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.

8:22 But Jesus said unto him, Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.

-Leave the carcass to rot and follow me!



Jesus crosses a river in a boat and controls the weather with his mind.

8:28 And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, so that no man might pass by that way.

8:29 And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? art thou come hither to torment us before the time?

-Seems to be an infestation of demonic possession. And what rather convenient dialogue that these demons have. "Hello Jesus, who is definitely the Son of God! We demons have a knowledge of these things and confirm his god status. Would you like to use your awesome God powers to punish us demons, who are clearly beneath you?"



8:32 And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters.

-This appears to be Watchman's favorite verse, citing that there are no hills in the actual area.



8:34 And, behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus: and when they saw him, they besought him that he would depart out of their coasts.

-Howdy Jesus! Could you get the hell out of here?



9:2 And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.

9:3 And, behold, certain of the scribes said within themselves, This man blasphemeth.

9:4 And Jesus knowing their thoughts said, Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts?

-Sins cause paralysis, so Jesus cleanses him of them. And also, Jesus is now a mind reader.



9:9 And as Jesus passed forth from thence, he saw a man, named Matthew, sitting at the receipt of custom: and he saith unto him, Follow me. And he arose, and followed him.

-If this is the same Matthew as the author, he just missed a big chunk of the story he's now writing. I mean if no one was writing down the sermon on the mound (it was a rather impromptu speech), how do we know any of it is correct? If I tried to recount a speech I had heard days ago, every third word would be improvised. Especially if in between then and now, I witnessed a man control the weather and force demon pigs to drown themselves.



9:14 Then came to him the disciples of John, saying, Why do we and the Pharisees fast oft, but thy disciples fast not?

9:15 And Jesus said unto them, Can the children of the bridechamber mourn, as long as the bridegroom is with them? but the days will come, when the bridegroom shall be taken from them, and then shall they fast.

-Just once, Jesus, can we get a straight answer out of you? Why does every response have to be a riddle? I'm starving here, and I'm pretty sure you just called us women.



A diseased woman touches Jesus' robe to try and heal herself and she is told to relax, her faith has already cured her of it.

-So now Jesus doesn't even have to touch the person. Faith alone cures diseases.




Apparently everyone in the Middle East was white.



9:27 And when Jesus departed thence, two blind men followed him, crying, and saying, Thou son of David, have mercy on us.

9:28 And when he was come into the house, the blind men came to him: and Jesus saith unto them, Believe ye that I am able to do this? They said unto him, Yea, Lord.

9:29 Then touched he their eyes, saying, According to your faith be it unto you.

9:30 And their eyes were opened; and Jesus straitly charged them, saying, See that no man know it.

-"I am affected by a bald spot." I love that movie. And how could blind men be following Jesus? Divine radar? Also with convenient lines to spout, "Since you are clearly of the lineage that would identify you as the prophecized son of David, use your magic and heal us."



9:32 As they went out, behold, they brought to him a dumb man possessed with a devil.

9:33 And when the devil was cast out, the dumb spake: and the multitudes marvelled, saying, It was never so seen in Israel.

-Satan causes people to be mute. "The dumb spake." I'm going to use that one in an argument sometime. "Behold, the dumb spake."



10:1 And when he had called unto him his twelve disciples, he gave them power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness and all manner of disease.

10:2 Now the names of the twelve apostles are these; The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother;

-The apostles can now heal the sick. The fishermen he convinced to follow him around now have superpowers, including the power to raise the dead.



0:10 Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves: for the workman is worthy of his meat.

-"Cast off the shoes, follow the gourd!"







10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.

10:22 And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end shall be saved.

10:23 But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another: for verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come.

-Well, you got the family disputes and hated by all men prophecy right. Now when's this whole salvation thing gonna happen? Cause it's been 2000 years. Still waiting.



10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

-Ah, some of my favorite verses. I came to bring the sword. I'm here to set families against themselves, since anyone that loves a family member more than he loves me is not worthy of me.



10:39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

-Martyrdom anyone?



11:2 Now when John had heard in the prison the works of Christ, he sent two of his disciples,

11:3 And said unto him, Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?

-John is still in prison at this point and a little skeptical of Jesus.



11:11 Verily I say unto you, Among them that are born of women there hath not risen a greater than John the Baptist: notwithstanding he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.

-John is the greatest man to have ever lived! But he's shit even compared to the lowest peon in heaven. Soooo, are you saying that we can't get to heaven? Since even the greatest man we have produced still isn't worthy of heaven? And what kind of bullshit heavenly ranking system is this? If I dedicate my whole life to getting into heaven, I don't want to hear about how I'm 2nd to last on God's Friend List.



Jesus condemns entire cities to hell, then says:

11:25 At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes.

-Is Jesus praying to himself, or is he an actual son? Get your stories straight Christians! And why is Jesus thanking God for "hiding himself from the wise"? I thought we were all supposed to have a chance to get to heaven, not be left in the dark for being too smart?



12:1 At that time Jesus went on the sabbath day through the corn; and his disciples were an hungred, and began to pluck the ears of corn and to eat.

12:2 But when the Pharisees saw it, they said unto him, Behold, thy disciples do that which is not lawful to do upon the sabbath day.

12:3 But he said unto them, Have ye not read what David did, when he was an hungred, and they that were with him;

12:4 How he entered into the house of God, and did eat the shewbread, which was not lawful for him to eat, neither for them which were with him, but only for the priests?

12:5 Or have ye not read in the law, how that on the sabbath days the priests in the temple profane the sabbath, and are blameless?

-The Pharisees call Jesus out for sinning and Jesus makes up some bullshit on the spot. Seriously, if anyone can find an OT reference of priests profaning the sabbath and not being judged for it, let me know. Otherwise, Jesus just sinned.



12:6 But I say unto you, That in this place is one greater than the temple.

12:7 But if ye had known what this meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice, ye would not have condemned the guiltless.

-These cornfields are actually GREATER than the temple. But since you all clearly are unfamiliar with the laws of the Bible, I will have mercy on you. Nice save, Jesus!



Jesus casts out more devils...

12:24 But when the Pharisees heard it, they said, This fellow doth not cast out devils, but by Beelzebub the prince of the devils.

-Good point. This could just as easily be Satan "casting out" his own minions to appear to be God.







12:25 And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand:

12:26 And if Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand?

12:27 And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your children cast them out? therefore they shall be your judges.

12:28 But if I cast out devils by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God is come unto you.

12:29 Or else how can one enter into a strong man's house, and spoil his goods, except he first bind the strong man? and then he will spoil his house.

-Jesus, the mind reader, answers their accusations with more bullshit riddles. "If I'm Satan, how could I cast myself out without my kingdom falling?" What?

12:30 He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.

12:31 Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.

12:32 And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.

-Jesus escalates his argument with threats. "Do you REALLY want to question God? Those that question God will never be forgiven, even in the afterlife."

-Nice one Jesus! That's what I would say too if I were pretending to be God.



12:38 Then certain of the scribes and of the Pharisees answered, saying, Master, we would see a sign from thee.

12:39 But he answered and said unto them, An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas:

12:40 For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.

-So they're like, "Fine, we'll stop questioning your Messiah-ness, just give us one sign." To which God of course says, "Only evil people would ask for a sign. Jonas lived in a fish for 3 days and nights and I will do the same in the heart of the earth."

-People claiming this to mean his tomb after the crucifixion would have to explain then why Jesus was only in his tomb for 1 day and 2 nights.



12:47 Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee.

12:48 But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?

12:49 And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!

-Jesus' mother and brothers ask to speak to him and he blows them off and claims that his followers are his true family. Real nice, Jesus.



13:10 And the disciples came, and said unto him, Why speakest thou unto them in parables?

13:11 He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given.

13:13 Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand.

13:14 And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive:

-The Lord explains why he always speaks in riddles; because he wants to confuse the hell out of people he doesn't want to save. Then he explains that he does this specifically to fulfill a prophecy of the OT. "It said it would happen in Isaiah, so... I'm doing it."



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13:31 Another parable put he forth unto them, saying, The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field:

13:32 Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof.

-Jesus seems to have a shockingly inaccurate knowledge of nature. Mustard seeds don't grow into trees and they aren't the smallest of the seeds.



13:35 That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying, I will open my mouth in parables; I will utter things which have been kept secret from the foundation of the world.

-Jesus, in his attempt to fulfill more prophecies, badly misquotes from the book of Psalms.



13:54 And when he was come into his own country, he taught them in their synagogue, insomuch that they were astonished, and said, Whence hath this man this wisdom, and these mighty works?

13:55 Is not this the carpenter's son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas?

-People were astonished by the "wisdom" of Jesus telling everyone they were going to hell. Then the people that seemed to really know him (familiar with his family) reject him, and he leaves because of their unbelief (13:58).



14:1 At that time Herod the tetrarch heard of the fame of Jesus,

14:2 And said unto his servants, This is John the Baptist; he is risen from the dead; and therefore mighty works do shew forth themselves in him.

-Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time (See Mt.16.13-14, Mk.6:14-15, 8:27-28, Lk.9:7-8, 18-19). If so many of Jesus' contemporaries could be so easily fooled regarding John the Baptist, what does this do to the credibility of the resurrection of Jesus? (SAB)



Jesus feeds 5000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Then he gets on his boat again, and for like the fourth time, they are hit with typhoon weather (how bout you make the weather clear BEFORE you go out this time Jesus?). Jesus and Peter walk on water.



----Mid-chapter break----


I'm cutting it off here and starting the rest in another post. The NT is MUCH more ridiculous than the OT. So far, all I've seen in proof after proof that Jesus was bullshit. The only people who see him do his miracles are the people that devote their lives to following him around. Of course, they're going to tell everyone else about all the magic that they've seen him do. And when confronted by nonbelievers, he dodges the accusation like a politician and refuses to do miracles. How dare you question me?? Whoever questions me will burn forever. You don't want THAT, now do you?

Also, Jesus seems VERY aware of the old prophecies and seems hellbent and doing them all. Prophecy is supposed to be fulfilled naturally and then recognized as fulfilled prophecy by third party perspective, not fulfilled because some guy is purposely TRYING to fulfill them.

If you've read this far and now hate me for the text overload, HOW DARE YOU GET ANGRY AT MY VERBOSE NATURE. Only rapists and child molesters would be angry at too much text!

2nd half of Matthew; get your reading glasses, thinking caps, and try-hard pants back on




15:1 Then came to Jesus scribes and Pharisees, which were of Jerusalem, saying,

15:2 Why do thy disciples transgress the tradition of the elders? for they wash not their hands when they eat bread.

15:3 But he answered and said unto them, Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition?

15:4 For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death.

-The Pharisees bust Jesus again for not washing his hands before eating, as is tradition. And instead of admitting fault or saying something loving, Jesus calls them hypocrites by pointing out that they don't kill unruly children as is commanded of them. So clearly the OT God and Jesus both thinking unruly children should be killed... but of course that's just ridiculous! Right? I mean THAT part of the Bible is clearly a metaphor.



15:12 Then came his disciples, and said unto him, Knowest thou that the Pharisees were offended, after they heard this saying?

15:13 But he answered and said, Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up.

15:14 Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.

-Once again, although Jesus has claimed that he's here to save the sinners and unbelievers, he doesn't seem to give a shit about people who doubt him.



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15:15 Then answered Peter and said unto him, Declare unto us this parable.

15:16 And Jesus said, Are ye also yet without understanding?

15:17 Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught?

15:18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.

-Even Peter doesn't understand the stream of nonsense that Jesus is constantly spewing. "I come to save man! But I'm going to do it in the most confusing way possible!" Jesus says, "duh, I'm allowed to eat with dirty hands as long as what I say is good."



15:22 And, behold, a woman of Canaan came out of the same coasts, and cried unto him, saying, Have mercy on me, O Lord, thou son of David; my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil.

15:23 But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away; for she crieth after us.

15:24 But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.

15:25 Then came she and worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me.

15:26 But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs.

-Jesus is an uppity prick. He refuses to heal a Canaanite woman's daughter because she's not from Israel, saying "I'm not going to waste my miracles on filth."



15:27 And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table.

15:28 Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.

-Jesus decides to throw the "dog" a courtesy scrap from the table of nobles.



Jesus goes back up a mountain, heals some more of his followers, and once again does the bread and fish miracle to feed the 4000 people

-Seems his numbers are dwindling since last time. SAB suggests that this is the same story as before, but the difference is result of playing the "telephone game" with the oral accounting.







The Pharisees and Sadducees come to Jesus, asking for a sign that he is God. And again he calls them evil, adulterous hypocrites.

-Why is Jesus so reluctant to simply confirm that he is a God. It's quite a massive claim to be making, the least you could do is prove it instead of calling them names.



16:13 When Jesus came into the coasts of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?

16:14 And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets.

16:15 He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am?

16:16 And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.

-Jesus sits down with his crew and asks what the word on the street is. Who do people think I am? And they said that people thought Jesus was possibly a lot of things, like a zombie John the Baptist or just a prophet (which could have been cleared up if Jesus wasn't so stingy with his magic).



16:18 And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.

16:19 And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

16:20 Then charged he his disciples that they should tell no man that he was Jesus the Christ.

-For being one of the few people to believe that Jesus was actually the son of God, Jesus proclaims Peter the first pope and praises him. Then he tells his disciples to keep it a secret that he is the messiah... WHY? Jesus seems less interested in saving mankind, and more interested in finding a select few people willing to believe him. I think he just wants to start his own motorcycle gang, The Holy Riders.



16:21 From that time forth began Jesus to shew unto his disciples, how that he must go unto Jerusalem, and suffer many things of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised again the third day.

16:22 Then Peter took him, and began to rebuke him, saying, Be it far from thee, Lord: this shall not be unto thee.

16:23 But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.

-Jesus gathers his gang in and says, "Alright here's what's gonna happen." And lays out his own prophecy. Peter expresses concern so Jesus accuses him of being Satan... even though just 3 verses before he was praising him and making him pope.



16:28 Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.

-Swing and a miss, Christ.







17:1 And after six days Jesus taketh Peter, James, and John his brother, and bringeth them up into an high mountain apart,

17:2 And was transfigured before them: and his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.

17:3 And, behold, there appeared unto them Moses and Elias talking with him.

17:4 Then answered Peter, and said unto Jesus, Lord, it is good for us to be here: if thou wilt, let us make here three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias.

17:5 While he yet spake, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them: and behold a voice out of the cloud, which said, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him.

-Jesus takes Peter, James, and John up into a mountain to show him a "face becoming bright, Moses illusion, voice from the heavens" trick. WHY!!!? WHY WHY WHY? Why doesn't Jesus do things like this in front of people that don't believe him? Why does he take his closest buddies into seclusion? I don't know, maybe because they're making the whole thing up?

17:9 And as they came down from the mountain, Jesus charged them, saying, Tell the vision to no man, until the Son of man be risen again from the dead.





17:10 And his disciples asked him, saying, Why then say the scribes that Elias must first come?

17:11 And Jesus answered and said unto them, Elias truly shall first come, and restore all things.

17:12 But I say unto you, That Elias is come already, and they knew him not, but have done unto him whatsoever they listed. Likewise shall also the Son of man suffer of them.

17:13 Then the disciples understood that he spake unto them of John the Baptist.

-"Hey Jesus, wasn't it written that Elijah the prophet would restore all things before you did all that stuff?"

-"Elijah HAS come... he's John the Baptist" Soooo, wouldn't that make him John the prophet? You can't just change names around to make the puzzle pieces fit.



17:15 Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water.

17:16 And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him.

17:17 Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.

-The disciples couldn't cast out the sickness, so Jesus snidely calls them worthless before casting out the sickness himself.



18:1 At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?

18:2 And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

-I don't know if the disciples were specifically asking which person was the greatest in heaven, but Jesus answers them by saying the best of the best are like children. Which... would be an approval of gullibility and ignorance.



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18:5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

18:6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

-Maybe THAT'S what all those priests were molesting children for; they were trying to "receive" the child in the Lord's name. And also, if you offend a child who believes in God, you might as well kill yourself.



18:10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

-God likes looking at little boy angels... hmmm.



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18:11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.

18:12 How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?

18:13 And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.

-Well that's great and all... but Jesus seems more interested in ignoring 99 lost sheep and telling his one remaining sheep not to worry, because those other sheep are blasphemous sinners and are going to burn.



A lot of repeating of the teachings of first half of Matthew. Seems like I'm not the only one who split the book of Matthew into separate parts. It sounds like someone else is authoring this part and recapping.



Jesus informs his disciples that regardless of what Moses said about how to divorce from your wife, you should actually NEVER get divorced. To which his disciples responded, "Well in that case, it's best to not get married at all, isn't it?" And God agrees in a roundabout way, approving of people who castrate themselves in order to get into heaven.



19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

-Too easy.



A child calls Jesus "Good Master" to which Jesus says:

19:17 And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.

-This time Jesus rejects the notion that he is God. Someone needs to start a "flip flop" counter because I can't keep track.



Jesus tells an inquiring child to follow the Ten Commandments, but he only lists six, and throws in one that isn't even on the list:

19:19 Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

The child says he's been doing that since birth, what more must he do? And Jesus says:

19:21 Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.

19:22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.

19:23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.

19:24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

-Sell all your belongings and give away all your money. Pretty straightforward, yet I personally haven't known a single Christian that has done this.



19:28 And Jesus said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the regeneration when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

19:29 And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

-Jesus tells his disciples that in heaven they'll have their own throne, from which that can judge other people (how nice). And everyone that abandons family members and earthly belongings will get 100x the reward.



Jesus tells a long ass parable about an employer who pays his employees the same wages (a penny) even though they had all worked different amounts of hours... and then scolds the employees that suggest they deserve more for working more.

-Lesson? Shrug. Communism is best?







20:18 Behold, we go up to Jerusalem; and the Son of man shall be betrayed unto the chief priests and unto the scribes, and they shall condemn him to death,

20:19 And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock, and to scourge, and to crucify him: and the third day he shall rise again.

-Jesus goes to Jerusalem with the purpose of being killed. The whole time reminding his disciples of his prophecy. "Now remember, I said THREE days, remember. So if I were to suddenly rise on the THIRD day, the prophecy would be fulfilled. I'm not saying to pretend I rose on the third day or anything, but that would definitely help our cause."



20:30 And, behold, two blind men sitting by the way side, when they heard that Jesus passed by, cried out, saying, Have mercy on us, O Lord, thou son of David.

-Another story about two blind men (same story?), this time in a different scenario. Do blind men travel in packs of twos?



21:2 Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me.

21:3 And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them.

-Go steal a donkey and a colt. Even though I've clearly commanded you not to steal. Then Jesus rides into town on both a donkey and a colt... how... unnecessary.




This pic only shows one animal, but I had to post it due to how stupid it looks.



21:12 And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,

21:13 And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

-Jesus throws people into the street and flips tables. And once again, he's very concerned with "what was written."



Jesus wows the crowd by withering a fig tree, then tells them that all their dreams can come true with faith!

21:21 Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.

21:22 And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

-You can move mountains if you believe in me! Whatever you want is yours!



Priests ask Jesus who he thinks he is to preach from inside the temple. So Jesus hits them with two parables about farmers and slaves. Then hits them with:

21:42 Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes?

-Jesus is just following scripture and doing the Lord's work.



Jesus tells another parable, which I really don't understand. Apparently God is like a king who sends his servants out to invite the townspeople to a wedding, but the people ignore the invitation and some even kill the servants. So the king has his army kill all the townspeople and burn their homes. So the king sends out more servants to gather up random strangers, good or bad for the wedding. At the wedding the king notices a guy not dressed in wedding attire so he "casts him into outer darkness, there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

-What? The guy wasn't expecting to attend a wedding. He was kind enough to show up and you punish him for it? Closing the parable with:

22:14 For many are called, but few are chosen.



The Pharisees send a bunch of people to ask random questions of Jesus, to determine if he is who he says he is.

They ask if they should pay tribute to Caesar, and Jesus (not known for his yes or no responses) replies,

"Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's."

A group of Sadducees ask him, "Ok, what if a man has seven wives over the course of his live, who all died and he remarried. Who will he be with in heaven?"

To which God says,
"22:30 For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven."

-You won't be with your wife in heaven, the woman you loved and spent life with. You'll just be an angel among angels.

A lawyer asks Jesus which is the greatest commandment? He says,

"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

22:38 This is the first and great commandment.

22:39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

22:40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

-So... the only laws that really matter are love the Lord with all your heart and love your fellow man. Then what's the point in all the other dozens of arbitrary laws you've mentioned?



Jesus then points out that he can't be the son of David if David refers to him as the Lord. How can he be the Lord AND the son of David?

-Flippity to the floppity.



22:45 If David then call him Lord, how is he his son?

22:46 And no man was able to answer him a word, neither durst any man from that day forth ask him any more questions.

-Wow, that's all it takes to stump these people? Pay Caesar what is Caesars. You won't be married in heaven. And how can I be a man AND a god?

"Well that does it for me! Clearly he is who he says he is and we should cease all doubt and questioning!"



23:9 And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven.

-Don't call your father "father" because you only have one father. Your Father in heaven. Who's your daddy?



23:19 Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gift, or the altar that sanctifieth the gift?

-Jesus, on a verbal tirade against the Pharisees, calls them fools (as well as "hypocrites" about 7 times in 5 verses). And according to Matthew, that means Jesus is now condemned to hell.



23:36 Verily I say unto you, All these things shall come upon this generation.

-And by that, of course, Jesus meant, "all these things shall come upon a future generation... probably about 30-40 generations or so from now."



24:3 And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?



SIGNS OF THE END OF THE WORLD



24:4 And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
24:5 For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.
24:6 And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet.
24:7 For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.
24:8 All these are the beginning of sorrows.
24:9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake.
24:10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.
24:11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
24:12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
24:13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.
24:14 And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.

-So first there will be wars, nations rising against nations, famines, pestilences, and earthquakes. Great. So the sign of the end of the world are natural occurrences that have been commonplace since well before Jesus even got here.

-Next, people will hate and kill Christians... which might explain why Christians set about starting wars and persecuting everyone. "Come on, hit me back! Fulfill the prophecy!"

-False prophets will rise. That's nothing new. Prophets of every religion have always been abundant, and since every religion is fake, they are false prophets.

-The gospel shall be preached in all the world. Even the starving tribes of remote third world countries have been forced to hear the gospel. Have we missed anyone? Maybe a few eskimos in Antarctica are unaware.

I remain unimpressed Jesus.



24:19 And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!

-I know I say this word often... WHY? If you're pregnant or nursing when the end times come, you're going to hell?



24:24 For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.

-If anyone comes along talking like me and acting like me and doing every single thing I'm doing, claiming to be the messiah... they're lying. But not me.



24:29 Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:

24:30 And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.

24:31 And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.

-Oh there we go. That will be much more obvious. Especially with an angelic brass section. I wonder if they took trumpet lessons before or after they died.







24:32 Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh:

24:33 So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors.

-That... wasn't a parable. That was just a thing you said. "Sit back, my children and listen to this story and its deep, complex messages as told through characters and analogies. When a fig tree blossoms, it will be summer, and the world will end. Ta-da!"



24:34 Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled.

-He meant that part so much he said it twice. I guess we can all relax then, yes? Since the end of the world, if it were going to happen, would've already happened.



24:36 But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

-The best and earliest Greek manuscripts say, "not the angels of heaven, neither the son, but the Father only." But apparently it bothered the scribes that there were some things Jesus didn't know, so they fixed it by omitting the phrase, "neither the son." (Bart D. Ehrman, Misquoting Jesus (2005), p.95)

-Ah, purpose driven Bible alterations. The biggest red flag of all that religion is bullshit.



25:1 Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

-Oh for Christ's sake, Christ. Again with these? Apparently the coming of the Lord shall be like 10 virgins who went out to meet their mate. 5 had oil for their lamps and 5 didn't. Suddenly at midnight the mate showed up and only the 5 virgins with oil got to have sex with him, because the 5 without oil were off looking for someone to sell oil to them. Moral of the story? You don't know when God is coming to Bleep us all, so we better have our oil ready.







25:46 And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

-What if I don't want everlasting punishment OR eternal life? Both seem like kind of a drag. Can I please just not exist?



26:6 Now when Jesus was in Bethany, in the house of Simon the leper,

26:7 There came unto him a woman having an alabaster box of very precious ointment, and poured it on his head, as he sat at meat.

26:8 But when his disciples saw it, they had indignation, saying, To what purpose is this waste?

26:9 For this ointment might have been sold for much, and given to the poor.

26:10 When Jesus understood it, he said unto them, Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me.

26:11 For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.

-Don't help the poor right now. I won't be around for much longer, so the poor can wait. Very condescending of you, Jesus.



Judas takes 30 pieces of silver to betray Jesus. Then the whole Last Supper thing takes place on Passover (one of you will betray me, blah blah). Jesus offers his flesh and blood via refreshments and sandwiches for no particular reason. Jesus tells Peter he will deny him thrice. Then the next day he tells his disciples to wait here, and goes off by himself and says:

26:39 And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

-So on this day, Jesus ISN'T God and prays to him, asking if at all possible, not to be crucified. Of course, since Jesus is off by himself, praying telepathically, who knows how this information made it into Matthew's book.



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Judas shows up with a bunch of armed men and tells them to wait for the signal:

26:48 Now he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying, Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he: hold him fast.

26:49 And forthwith he came to Jesus, and said, Hail, master; and kissed him.



26:51 And, behold, one of them which were with Jesus stretched out his hand, and drew his sword, and struck a servant of the high priest's, and smote off his ear.

26:52 Then said Jesus unto him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.

-Call me bias, but this doesn't seem like it was meant as a life lesson to mankind, but rather just Jesus telling the men to put their swords away or else.



26:63 But Jesus held his peace, And the high priest answered and said unto him, I adjure thee by the living God, that thou tell us whether thou be the Christ, the Son of God.

26:64 Jesus saith unto him, Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.

-Jesus is asked directly if he is the son of God, and the reply sounds similar to "If you say so."



Peter denies knowing Jesus three times to a damsel, a maid, and some random people.

-But since the priests were only looking for people to speak out against Jesus, I don't see how this is a big deal. By denying that he believed Jesus to be the son of God, Peter is actually helping Christ's case by not adding to the blasphemy charges.



Judas is so full of guilt that he gives his 30 silver away and hangs himself.



27:12 And when he was accused of the chief priests and elders, he answered nothing.

27:13 Then said Pilate unto him, Hearest thou not how many things they witness against thee?

27:14 And he answered him to never a word; insomuch that the governor marvelled greatly.

27:15 Now at that feast the governor was wont to release unto the people a prisoner, whom they would.

27:16 And they had then a notable prisoner, called Barabbas.

-Pilate is "marvelled" at how quiet Jesus was? How amazing! And they release a prisoner... you know I have to do it...




WELEASE WOGER!

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So they release Barabbas, Pilate "washes his hands" of the whole situation, the soldiers mock Jesus and beat him and crown of thorns and blah blah guilt trip. A man named Simon bears (or tries to?) Jesus' cross for a bit. The soldiers make Jesus drink "vinegar mingled with gall." They crucify him and put a sign over his head, which according to Matthew's version said:

27:37 And set up over his head his accusation written, THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS.



27:45 Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour.

27:46 And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

27:50 Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.

27:51 And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;

27:52 And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,

27:53 And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.

27:54 Now when the centurion, and they that were with him, watching Jesus, saw the earthquake, and those things that were done, they feared greatly, saying, Truly this was the Son of God.

-The land was pitched in darkness for 3 hours, then when Jesus died, the temple was destroyed and earthquakes occurred and zombies came out of graves and walked throughout Jerusalem... and yet there is not a record of ANY of this outside of the gospels. You're telling me that out of the "multitudes" of people that witnessed this, somehow these events didn't get passed along to any historian or record of events?



27:57 When the even was come, there came a rich man of Arimathaea, named Joseph, who also himself was Jesus' disciple:

27:58 He went to Pilate, and begged the body of Jesus. Then Pilate commanded the body to be delivered.

27:59 And when Joseph had taken the body, he wrapped it in a clean linen cloth,

27:60 And laid it in his own new tomb, which he had hewn out in the rock: and he rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.

-Wealthy disciple Joseph (who apparently was ignoring the whole wealth and heaven bit) begged Pilate for the body of Jesus. So Joseph put Jesus in a tomb WHICH JOSEPH (A DISCIPLE) HAD RECENTLY BUILT. Alarm bells, anyone? And notice how the stone is so MASSIVE that Joseph is able to move it into place by himself?



Pilate sends soldiers to guard the tomb so there can be no trickery.



28:1 In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.

28:2 And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.

28:3 His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:

28:4 And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead men.

28:5 And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.

28:6 He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.

28:7 And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.

-Ah, how convenient that the unbelieving soldiers who could have confirmed the angel and disappearance of Jesus... drop dead. Anyone else seeing it play out a tad different in their minds? Like, say, the soldiers are killed by Jesus' followers? Plus an angel descends and the only people who seem to notice are Jesus' mom and sex buddy. And the door rolled open due to an earthquake! Not because we opened it! An earthquake that no one else seemed to notice.



28:12 And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,

28:13 Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept.

-Seems right to me. People discover two dead soldiers, the door to the tomb wide open, Jesus missing, and the all the disciples have run off someplace. A MIRACLE!



28:16 Then the eleven disciples went away into Galilee, into a mountain where Jesus had appointed them.

28:17 And when they saw him,they worshipped him: but some doubted.

28:18 And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.

28:19 Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:

28:20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

-Are you fucking shitting me? His meeting place of choice is A FUCKING SECLUDED MOUNTAIN with only his disciples around to witness. Motherfucker, you just came back to life exactly as you claimed, why would you not present this massive piece of evidence to entire cities!?!?! And the parting wisdom he gives before he goes? Go preach to people.

"They worshiped him but some doubted?" These are the craziest of the crazy, the most fundamental extremist followers that Jesus has, and some of them are doubtful?? I'm supposed to believe a story told by a group of fanatics when some of them aren't even sure themselves? ELEVEN MEN. I'm expected to completely accept the inaccurate ramblings of a group of ELEVEN fishermen/sheep herders who lived during the intellect-free Bronze Age and had already dedicated their life to following this person around. Of course they're going to say they saw him rise from the dead! That's like getting all your information about aliens from people claiming to have been abducted. It's going to be pretty one sided.

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This entire critique of Matthew has made me 20 times more baffled in Christianity. Good Lord!

1:1 The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God;

1:2 As it is written in the prophets, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee.

-Might as well start off with SAB quotes while I finish my mountain dew... "Mark claims that John the Baptist fulfilled the prophecy given in Malachi (3:1, 4:1, 5). But the Malachi prophecy says that God will send Elijah before "the great and dreadful day of the LORD" in which the world will be consumed by fire. Yet John the Baptist flatly denied that he was Elijah (Elias) in John 1:21 and the earth was not destroyed after John's appearance.

The phrase "as it is written in the prophets" is not found in the oldest and best Greek manuscripts which say, rather, "as it is written in Isaiah." Scribes made the change to correct the mistake of attributing the quotation to Isaiah, since the first part of the quote is not from Isaiah, but from Ex.23:20 and Mal.3:1."

Ah. That was good dew.



Mark recounts the stories in Matthew of the baptism of Jesus, the going into the wilderness to be tempted, the finding the fishermen and getting them to be his disciples. Then Jesus goes to a synagogue and preaches "as someone with authority" which was probably pretty impressive to submissive peasants.

The people bring a bunch of sick and demon possessed people to Jesus.

1:34 And he healed many that were sick of divers diseases, and cast out many devils; and suffered not the devils to speak, because they knew him.

-Reinforcing my theory that Jesus was actually Satan, which is why he's so skilled at "casting out demons," Jesus doesn't allow the demons to speak, lest they go, "Hey! What's up Satan? What are you up to these days?"



I'm just going to start summarizing stories that were already covered in Matthew that are featured in Mark as well. Unless there's a difference in the stories, then I will gladly point it out.

-(Matt) Jesus heals a man with palsy by forgiving him of his sins.
-(Matt) Jesus eats with politicians and sinners and the disciples get jealous.
-(Matt) The Pharisees call Jesus out for doing stuff on the Sabbath.
-(Matt) Jesus bestows his power of healing and exorcism on his disciples.




3:18 And Andrew, and Philip, and Bartholomew, and Matthew, and Thomas, and James the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus, and Simon the Canaanite,

-Who the hell is Thaddaeus? Mark claims him to be one of the disciples.



3:21 And when his friends heard of it, they went out to lay hold on him: for they said, He is beside himself.

3:22 And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.

-Jesus' friends think he's insane and the scribes agree with me that he's actually Satan in disguise.



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3:23 And he called them unto him, and said unto them in parables, How can Satan cast out Satan?

3:24 And if a kingdom be divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.

-Jesus uses his mind reading and picks up on it, and confuses them with parables. "How can Satan cast out Satan?" We didn't say you were casting out yourself, dumbass. That's like saying, "How can God command angels? God can't command God!"

Then Jesus uses the logical next step...

3:29 But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.

-Threats of eternal torture. "How dare you challenge me!?"



4:11 And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables:

4:12 That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them.

-Once again, Jesus confirms that he's not here to help the sinners, just to deliver the few who believe in him. He's handing out tests to get into heaven. To his favorite students, he gives a square peg and a square hole. To the rest of the students, he gives a Rubik's cube 3 times the normal size. Seems fair, yes?



-(Matt) Storm and the boat and Jesus calms the weather.



5:2 And when he was come out of the ship, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit,

5:3 Who had his dwelling among the tombs; and no man could bind him, no, not with chains:

5:8 For he said unto him, Come out of the man, thou unclean spirit.

5:9 And he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.

-Though in Matthew, he claims that 2 men were possessed with demons. Now it's one man possessed by many demons. Cue the line that remains a favorites with nerds and Hollywood producers everywhere. We are Legion.



5:17 And they began to pray him to depart out of their coasts.

5:18 And when he was come into the ship, he that had been possessed with the devil prayed him that he might be with him.

5:19 Howbeit Jesus suffered him not, but saith unto him, Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee.

5:20 And he departed, and began to publish in Decapolis how great things Jesus had done for him: and all men did marvel.

-The people hear about the drowned pigs and ask Jesus to GTFO. This (now one) man asks to be part of Jesus' crew. Jesus tells him to go preach his name instead. Then he "publishes" the great things the Lord does in Decapolis. Does this mean that he just spoke about it or did he actually publish something? Anyone with biblical history knowledge feel free to pipe up.



5:23 And besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live.

5:26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse,

5:29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.

-Doctors and medicine only make the sickness worse. Faith healing is the true way to health.



5:30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?

-This sentence is so dumb that I actually laughed out loud. I truly LOL'd. Much like a superhero, it drains Jesus of his powers every time he uses them. Then he's completely confused and slightly pissed as to who touched his clothes. This is the same guy that can read thoughts, but he can't win a game of "Which Hand Is It In."







5:37 And he suffered no man to follow him, save Peter, and James, and John the brother of James.

-So Mark has absolutely no idea what happened at this point in the story. Did he meet up with John later and copy his notes? Why even write about it if you weren't there? Jesus takes his small posse and goes and heals a 12 year old, then tells the family not to tell anyone about it.



6:3 Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not his sisters here with us? And they were offended at him.

-So Jesus' family tree is now up to 4 brothers and 2 sisters, all from the blessed "virgin" Mary. Oh, and also, the people of Nazareth don't like him. And for some reason, Jesus can "do no mighty work" aka major miracles in Nazareth, so he's limited to just spreading his teachings.



-(Matt) Once again people are divided on who Jesus is. A prophet, a resurrected John the Baptist, the prophet Elijah?
-(Matt) Jesus feeds thousands with 5 bread and 2 fishes.
-(Matt) Jesus walks on water and calms the storm again.
-(Matt) The Pharisees accuse Jesus of not washing his hands again.
-(Matt) Woman begging for healing for her sick daughter, Jesus throws the "dog" a bone. Condescending Jesus.



7:32 And they bring unto him one that was deaf, and had an impediment in his speech; and they beseech him to put his hand upon him.

7:33 And he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue;

-Jesus heals a deaf man by sticking his fingers in his ears, spitting... and then licking the man's earwax apparently.



8:22 And he cometh to Bethsaida; and they bring a blind man unto him, and besought him to touch him.

8:23 And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought.

8:24 And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking.

8:25 After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly.

-Jesus spits on the eyes of a blind man (really necessary?) to cure him. Takes a few tries though, since at first he sees men as walking trees.



At this point, Mark's story is basically the exact same as Matthews (I realize the gospel of Mark came first). Mountaintop miracles, unfulfilled prophecies, calling his disciples worthless for not being able to cast out demons. I'm going to start skipping everything we've heard before and just mentioning the new stuff, if there is any.



9:38 And John answered him, saying, Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us.

-Apparently, anyone can cast out devils, even without Jesus' consent or knowledge. It's a very popular and lucrative profession during the age of morons.







10:13 And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them.

10:14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

-Jesus gets pissed that his disciples are keeping the children from coming unto him. Yeah, I said it.



10:19 Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour thy father and mother.

-This time, Jesus' random 6th commandment is "defraud not" when in Matthew it was "love thy neighbor as thyself."



10:40 But to sit on my right hand and on my left hand is not mine to give; but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared.

-The disciples ask Jesus if they can sit at his left and right hand when they die and go to heaven. Jesus says it's not up to him. Clearly Jesus definitively believes that he is NOT God. I understood this before from all the "Jesus was a Jew" comments, but why do Christians say he IS God? Is it later in the NT or did they just completely ignore him and believe in it anyways, just to spite him?



Same crap... blah blah
...throwing people out of the temple
...parables
...render unto Caesar
...end of the world signs
...ointment on Jesus' head
...cannibal dinner
...Judas kisses Jesus to signal the ambush (must be why God hates man on man action so much)



14:61 But he held his peace, and answered nothing. Again the high priest asked him, and said unto him, Art thou the Christ, the Son of the Blessed?

14:62 And Jesus said, I am: and ye shall see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.

-In Matthew, when asked directly if Jesus is Christ the messiah... he shrugs it off with a "thou hast said it" but in Mark, he confidently answers "I AM."



As to who Peter denies knowing Jesus to, here's a fun vid.







15:25 And it was the third hour, and they crucified him.

15:26 And the superscription of his accusation was written over, THE KING OF THE JEWS.

-Whereas Matthew claims it says "THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS." All the gospels have a slightly different version of the sign. It's small, but effective at showing how messages and teachings can be muddled via word of mouth stories.



16:1 And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him.

16:2 And very early in the morning the first day of the week, they came unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.

16:3 And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?

16:4 And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great.

16:5 And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted.

16:6 And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him.

-So this time, instead of the 2 women approaching and an angel descending and the guards dying and an earthquake opening the tomb... it's already open and a dude is chilling in there to tell them where Jesus is. Seems even more like a disciple-job deception in this gospel than in Matthew. There aren't even guards this time.



Then instead of appearing to all his disciples on a mountainside, he appears randomly to small groups of them at a time. And no one believes them when they tell the story.

16:9 Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils.

16:12 After that he appeared in another form unto two of them, as they walked, and went into the country.

16:14 Afterward he appeared unto the eleven as they sat at meat, and upbraided them with their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they believed not them which had seen him after he was risen.

-And why is Jesus taking different forms? This time he isn't even "resurrected," he's just appearing to people as visions. What a letdown.



16:17 And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;

16:18 They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.

16:19 So then after the Lord had spoken unto them, he was received up into heaven, and sat on the right hand of God.

16:20 And they went forth, and preached every where, the Lord working with them, and confirming the word with signs following. Amen.

-Christians should be able to handle snakes and drink poison. I know there are some churches that still do this, but it's non poisonous snakes and not actually poison that they're drinking. And now there's now ascension to heaven, he was just "received" into heaven. The Book of Mark is the most non-miraculous, unconvincing hunk of shit ever.


Jesus is no longer in the tomb, but instead there's a follower to tell people where Jesus went. The fact that a follower is already IN the tomb kinda tips you off as to what happened to the body of Jesus. Then Jesus takes different forms to appear as visions to a dozen people? Where's the miracle here? Where's the proof that this truly is a deity to be worshiped and followed?

1:3 It seemed good to me also, having had perfect understanding of all things from the very first, to write unto thee in order, most excellent Theophilus,

-While I still don't understand what Luke is babbling about 3 verses in, at least our forum theist gets a shout out.



1:13 But the angel said unto him, Fear not, Zacharias: for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John.

-Zacharias and Elizabeth pray and the angel Gabriel appears and blesses Elizabeth's old useless uterus (damn women!) with a child, who will grow up and do God's work. Why does God always take an interest in what the child is named? And that whole "Jesus was born of a virgin!" miracle thing seems less impressive since John the Baptist was born from a barren womb a few months before Jesus.



1:18 And Zacharias said unto the angel, Whereby shall I know this? for I am an old man, and my wife well stricken in years.

1:19 And the angel answering said unto him, I am Gabriel, that stand in the presence of God; and am sent to speak unto thee, and to shew thee these glad tidings.

1:20 And, behold, thou shalt be dumb, and not able to speak, until the day that these things shall be performed, because thou believest not my words, which shall be fulfilled in their season.

-Zacharias questions Gabriel so he makes Zach a mute just for asking. This is why I refuse to follow the Lord. His blessings often come with a curse on his faithful.



1:26 And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth,

1:27 To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary.

1:28 And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.

1:31 And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS.

-Gabriel swings by Nazareth just to give Mary a head's up about her future child. And to tell her what to name him. As for why they decided to translate the name of Yeshua into Jesus eludes me, since Yeshua translated into English would be closer to Joshua.



1:32 He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David:

1:33 And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.

-Well... not quite, Gabriel. Jesus was actually more of a rebel outcast or a cult leader. Definitely not a great ruler over Israel. And the only people that called him the Son of God were his 12 disciples... everyone else thought he was lying or John the Baptist reincarnated.







1:34 Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?

-(Flinches) WATCH OUT BITCH!

1:35 And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.

-Oh... nothing happened. Strange how Mary does the exact same thing as Zacharias and goes unpunished. Not much of a strict moral code among angels.



Mary goes to visit Elizabeth for their annual "Women Who Were Knocked Up By God" meeting.

1:41 And it came to pass, that, when Elisabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the babe leaped in her womb; and Elisabeth was filled with the Holy Ghost:

-John the Fetus is celebrating the presence of Mary in Beth's womb. He can sense righteousness.



1:59 And it came to pass, that on the eighth day they came to circumcise the child; and they called him Zacharias, after the name of his father.

1:60 And his mother answered and said, Not so; but he shall be called John.

1:61 And they said unto her, There is none of thy kindred that is called by this name.

1:62 And they made signs to his father, how he would have him called.

1:63 And he asked for a writing table, and wrote, saying, His name is John. And they marvelled all.

1:64 And his mouth was opened immediately, and his tongue loosed, and he spake, and praised God.

-The people are against the strange name choice, but the dad insists (and the easily marveled people are marveled), and Zacharias is able to speak again, so he praises God... for removing the curse that God put on him.



2:7 And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

2:8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

-This time it's a manger... because some arbitrary inn was full. Matthew claims that Mary and Joseph lived in a house in Bethlehem, had Jesus, then moved to Nazareth. Luke claims that they lived in Nazareth, then moved to Bethlehem and had Jesus in a manger.







2:21 And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS, which was so named of the angel before he was conceived in the womb.

-Jesus was circumcised. And the best part is that over the years many priests have claimed to have the foreskin of Jesus. Strange that even Jesus has to comply with the ritual of the covenant with God.



2:22 And when the days of her purification according to the law of Moses were accomplished, they brought him to Jerusalem, to present him to the Lord;

-Even though it was Jesus, Mary was still made "unclean" by her childbirth.



2:24 And to offer a sacrifice according to that which is said in the law of the Lord, A pair of turtledoves, or two young pigeons.

-Animal sacrifice is still approved in the New Testament, and the laws of the OT are still followed. But how many Christians do you see sacrificing animals after each menstrual cycle or birth?



2:33 And Joseph and his mother marvelled at those things which were spoken of him.

-Many manuscripts say "his father and his mother," but scribes later changed this to "Joseph and his mother" to avoid calling Joseph Jesus's father. (SAB)

(Does the "Bible being altered to better suit the Christian agenda" dance)



12 year old Jesus disobeys his parents and secretly stays behind in Jerusalem when they begin to journey back to Nazareth. They look for him a day later and find him in a temple, talking to priests.

-This is most likely when Jesus learned about all these prophecies that needed fulfilling.



2:52 And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

-How can a god "increase in wisdom" or "gain favor with God"? Shouldn't the Son of God pretty much be omniscient? And are they saying it's possible for Jesus to fall out of favor with God? "I sent my son to die for mankind's sins, but he was a dick so I just left him down there."



Enter adult John the Baptist, calling everyone vipers and telling people to treat each other fairly and to give to the poor. John then baptizes Jesus... and a short while later is thrown in jail because the ruler Herod is banging his own brother's wife and John disapproves. Hopefully it turns out better for John in this book because in the other ones he was beheaded.



A long genealogy tracing Jesus back to Adam, who is also one of the many people referred to as the "son of God."



4:1 And Jesus being full of the Holy Ghost returned from Jordan, and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness,

-So if Jesus is full of the Holy Ghost and prays to God... then the 3 are all separate entities, not some interchangeable trinity most people try and claim ("it's like water... it can be ice, liquid, or vapor!".




(Does this explanation make sense to anyone?)



Jesus goes to a synagogue in Nazareth and preaches and claims his godliness. The people are baffled and dismiss him with a "Is this not Joseph's son?" to which Jesus sighs and goes "No prophet is accepted in his own country." And continues until he pisses everyone off.

4:28 And all they in the synagogue, when they heard these things, were filled with wrath,

4:29 And rose up, and thrust him out of the city, and led him unto the brow of the hill whereon their city was built, that they might cast him down headlong.

4:30 But he passing through the midst of them went his way,

-Jesus' own neighbors are so pissed at his self-righteous blasphemy that they try to throw him off a cliff, but he manages to run away.



5:5 And Simon answering said unto him, Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing: nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net.

5:6 And when they had this done, they inclosed a great multitude of fishes: and their net brake.

5:7 And they beckoned unto their partners, which were in the other ship, that they should come and help them. And they came, and filled both the ships, so that they began to sink.

5:8 When Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, Depart from me; for I am a sinful man, O Lord.

5:11 And when they had brought their ships to land, they forsook all, and followed him.

-It's finally explained how Jesus convinced the fishermen to be his disciples. He tells them to lower their nets and they catch so much fish that the net rips and almost sinks their ships. This is apparently enough for every man to abandon their families and follow Jesus around.



6:27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,

6:28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.

6:29 And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also.

-Jesus preaches to embrace submissive behavior. If your fellow human being beats you mercilessly, you should love him for it, and take part in your torture (turn the other cheek, give more than asked for). So if a man stabs you, you should grab the handle and help him out, then thank him for the stabbing.



A sinful woman washes Jesus' feet with her tears and dries them with her hair and kisses his feet... so Jesus forgives her of her sins.

-That has nothing to do with love or morals or who deserves to be forgiven. Jesus the Narcissistic loves submission and since his ego was stroked, he forgave someone who didn't even ask for forgiveness.



8:2 And certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary called Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils,

-You think it would get a bit crowded in a soul with seven devils. I wonder how many devils are in us godless atheists?



8:27 And when he went forth to land, there met him out of the city a certain man, which had devils long time, and ware no clothes, neither abode in any house, but in the tombs.

-It's still one man with many demons... only this time he's naked.



9:40 And I besought thy disciples to cast him out; and they could not.

9:41 And Jesus answering said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you, and suffer you? Bring thy son hither.

-I've mentioned this before, but it amazes me that Jesus is an uppity dick even to his closest followers.




(Could you put the damn sheep down for a second, Jesus? I get the symbolism already.)



A lot of shit happens, most of it the same stuff as before.

10:21 In that hour Jesus rejoiced in spirit, and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes: even so, Father; for so it seemed good in thy sight.

-For some reason Jesus is delighted that only morons and children listen to him.



10:30 And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

10:31 And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

10:32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.

10:33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

10:34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.

10:35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.

10:36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?

-Like a good neighbor, Samaritan is there.



11:19 And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your sons cast them out? therefore shall they be your judges.

-Jesus says, "If I'm casting out devils through Satan, then who do your people use to cast out devils?" ...Other people cast out devils.



11:27 And it came to pass, as he spake these things, a certain woman of the company lifted up her voice, and said unto him, Blessed is the womb that bare thee, and the paps which thou hast sucked.

11:28 But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it.

-Jesus is clearly proud of his mother, as displayed when someone praises the mother who birthed him... and he blows her off and says God's followers are more worthy of praise.



12:4 And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do.

12:5 But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.

-Don't fear other humans, because the worst they can do is kill you. Fear God, because he can kill you, then cast you into hell forever. I'm assuming Christ is referring to God, because it wouldn't be very Jesus-y to say "fear Satan."



12:51 Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division:

12:52 For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three.

12:53 The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

-Jesus Christ; the only man that can bring peace, while not actually bringing peace at all.







13:14 And the ruler of the synagogue answered with indignation, because that Jesus had healed on the sabbath day, and said unto the people, There are six days in which men ought to work: in them therefore come and be healed, and not on the sabbath day.

13:15 The Lord then answered him, and said, Thou hypocrite, doth not each one of you on the sabbath loose his ox or his ass from the stall, and lead him away to watering?

-Jesus heals a lady in a synagogue on the Sabbath, and the priests are mad because the people who obeyed their religion and stayed home on the Sabbath weren't able to be healed. And Jesus the Wise, instead of saying something insightful, calls them names and basically says,"If you guys do things on the Sabbath, then why can't I?" Instead of setting a shining example, Jesus sins because the rest of us choose to.



13:23 Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them,

13:24 Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able.

-So much for the "he who seeketh heaven shall find it" line from Matthew. It sounds like heaven is a gated community and if you don't know where the secret door is, then you can't get in.



14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

14:33 So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.

-Sounds like someone has daddy issues. You must hate your whole family and yourself and give away all you have if you want to follow Jesus. God only likes poor emo kids.



16:16 The law and the prophets were until John: since that time the kingdom of God is preached, and every man presseth into it.

-So the OT laws were only to be followed until John the Baptist, well thanks for clearing that u....

16:17 And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail.

-Well, now which is it Jesus? This is a pretty important piece of information, can you try to be more concise?



THE PARABLE OF LAZARUS




16:19 There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:

16:20 And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

16:21 And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.

16:22 And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;

16:23 And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

16:24 And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

16:25 But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

16:26 And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.

16:27 Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father's house:

16:28 For I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment.

16:29 Abraham saith unto him, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.

16:30 And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent.

16:31 And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.

-So there's a rich man who dies and a poor man named Lazarus who dies. The rich man goes to hell because he had a good life... and Lazarus goes to heaven because he was poor and had a shitty life. And apparently you can see heaven from hell and talk to angels. So the rich man asks the angel to send Lazarus to his house to convince his brothers so they won't end up in hell also. The angel tells him to go Bleep himself.

-The first thing the rich man is concerned with is the well being of his family, so clearly he's not evil. And yet he deserves hell because he was lucky enough to be born into a good life?



17:27 They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all.

-Jesus believes in the story of Noah. So if you don't believe it, you are calling Jesus a liar. Your move, logic part of the brain.



Jesus just starts spouting out random nonsense.

17:32 Remember Lot's wife.

17:33 Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it.

17:34 I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.

17:35 Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

17:36 Two men shall be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

17:37 And they answered and said unto him, Where, Lord? And he said unto them, Wheresoever the body is, thither will the eagles be gathered together.

-I do remember Lot's wife and I still have no idea why God felt it necessary to turn her into salt. Did you have a point you wanted to make with that Jesus? And the "two women grinding together" just sounds naughty. And apparently those who wish to die will live. And eagles will eat the bodies of the missing people. Thanks for the clear messages, Lord.



18:11 The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.

18:12 I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.

18:13 And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.

18:14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

-Submission submission submission. I'm sorry. I can't be a Christian, because I take pride in who I am and what I believe. I won't bow to some douche of a god.







18:19 And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? none is good, save one, that is, God.

18:20 Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother.

-This time Jesus only goes with five. He routinely ignores the ones about having other gods and the sabbath and god's name in vain.



19:27 But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.

-It's hard to tell if this is Jesus talking, or if he's still telling the parable from the last 20 verses, but since the ruler in the parable is supposed to be God in this instance, I guess it doesn't really matter.



21:1 And he looked up, and saw the rich men casting their gifts into the treasury.

21:2 And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites.

21:3 And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all:

21:4 For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had.

-Jesus was a fan of the progressive tax.



22:3 Then entered Satan into Judas surnamed Iscariot, being of the number of the twelve.

-This is the first mention that Judas was actually possessed by Satan. It seems rather odd that Jesus would allow this to happen.



22:30 That ye may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom, and sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

-Apparently Judas is still getting into heaven.



22:35 And he said unto them, When I sent you without purse, and scrip, and shoes, lacked ye any thing? And they said, Nothing.

22:36 Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.

-Sell whatever you own and buy a sword? How will that help me get into heaven? Do I have to battle the guards of the pearly gates?







22:42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

22:43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

22:44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

-Jesus goes off to pray by himself to ask God to reconsider this whole crucifixion thing. Only this time, Jesus sweats big drops of blood. These verses are found in only some of the oldest manuscripts, so it's unsure as to their validity.



Peter denies this time to a maid, a man, and another man. Then:

22:70 Then said they all, Art thou then the Son of God? And he said unto them, Ye say that I am.

-Back to the original story of "if you say so." For a couple dudes telling the exact same story, it is riddled with inconsistencies.



23:42 And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom.

23:43 And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, to day shalt thou be with me in paradise.

-This time around, instead of two thieves who both mock him, Jesus is now buddies with one of them and promises him heaven. Jesus is very random about who he hands out his VIP access cards. If you happen to be around him and say something nice, you're in.



24:1 Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.

24:2 And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.

24:3 And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.

24:4 And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:

-Sigh. Now there's two men in the tomb. Get your shit together, disciples.



24:6 He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,

24:7 Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.

-Apparently these men are here just to remind people about the prophecy. Remember that he said it? Look, he's not here anymore! Ta-da!



24:10 It was Mary Magdalene and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles.

24:11 And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.

-For devoting their lives to following Jesus, the apostles seem constantly skeptical of Jesus and his miracles.



Later two of Jesus' disciples are walking in a town called Emmaus and Jesus approaches them but they don't recognize him, so he asks them why they're so sad and they ask Jesus (who is apparently in disguise) how he hasn't heard the tale about Jesus of Nazareth's death. They ask him if he's new to the area.

-So Jesus finally walks around somewhere besides a secluded mountaintop, and his disciples don't recognize him. How very interesting.







These two men ask Jesus Incognito to come home for dinner with them.

24:30 And it came to pass, as he sat at meat with them, he took bread, and blessed it, and brake, and gave to them.

24:31 And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight.

-Jesus makes himself identifiable... and then vanishes into thin air? Sounds like a believable story to me.



24:36 And as they thus spake, Jesus himself stood in the midst of them, and saith unto them, Peace be unto you.

24:37 But they were terrified and affrighted, and supposed that they had seen a spirit.

-As the two are telling the story to the other disciples, Jesus appears in the middle of them and says Peace, motherfuckers! And understandably they shit their pants.



24:40 And when he had thus spoken, he shewed them his hands and his feet.

24:41 And while they yet believed not for joy, and wondered, he said unto them, Have ye here any meat?

24:42 And they gave him a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb.

24:43 And he took it, and did eat before them.

-Jesus shows them his hands and feet to prove that it's him. Then he's asks for some food, because resurrection is tiring and builds an appetite.



24:44 And he said unto them, These are the words which I spake unto you, while I was yet with you, that all things must be fulfilled, which were written in the law of Moses, and in the prophets, and in the psalms, concerning me.

24:45 Then opened he their understanding, that they might understand the scriptures,

24:46 And said unto them, Thus it is written, and thus it behoved Christ to suffer, and to rise from the dead the third day:

-Another OT "prophecy" pulled straight from his ass.



24:51 And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and carried up into heaven.

-The carried up into heaven part is believed to be a later addition to the manuscript. Originally, he just blesses them and walks away.



Alright so here's the deal. The only people to see a resurrected Jesus are the 11 disciples, and in every gospel, it's a completely different story. They were all up in a mountain... then he appears to them individually as a vision... now he pops up in the middle of them all in a house somewhere in Jerusalem. These are pretty big fucking discrepancies, riddled with disciples filled with disbelief, doubt, and don't recognize the various Jesuses.

1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

-I find this first verse to be highly offensive and false. Have you heard about the word? Everybody knows that the bird is the word.
A well a
Bird bird bird
Bird is the word

-See? This is a fun environment. Welcome to Buddy Christ's house, now take off your pants... and get comfortable, cause comfort is the name of the game and bird is the word.



1:2 The same was in the beginning with God.

1:3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.

1:4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men.

1:5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

1:6 There was a man sent from God, whose name was John.

1:7 The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe.

1:8 He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light.

-The Gospel of John has the structure and prose of a first year poetry student. "All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made." And by first year poetry student, I mean all coherency is discarded for nonsense in an effort to impress. The second part of that verse is worthless and nonsensical.



1:21 And they asked him, What then? Art thou Elias? And he saith, I am not. Art thou that prophet? And he answered, No.

-John seems to disagree with Christ's claims that John is actually Elias.



1:28 These things were done in Bethabara beyond Jordan, where John was baptizing.

-According to historians, Bethabara doesn't seem to have ever existed.



Jesus goes to a marriage and they run out of wine.

2:3 And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine.

2:4 Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come.

-And Jesus responds with his usual amount of respect for his mother, "Woman, what am I gonna do with you?"



2:8 And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it.

2:9 When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom,

2:10 And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now.

-Jesus Brand Wine ® is apparently of a high alcohol content. Jesus embraces alcoholism.



2:14 And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting:

2:15 And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables;

-Jesus the Peaceful makes a fucking scourge and flips over tables.







3:1 There was a man of the Pharisees, named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews:

3:2 The same came to Jesus by night, and said unto him, Rabbi, we know that thou art a teacher come from God: for no man can do these miracles that thou doest, except God be with him.

3:3 Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

3:4 Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born?

3:5 Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.

-Jesus throws out yet another arbitrary thing that humans must do to enter heaven. You must be reborn through water. Why? And what about all the people who died before you told us this? They didn't have to be reborn, so why are you even enforcing this law?



3:13 And no man hath ascended up to heaven, but he that came down from heaven, even the Son of man which is in heaven.

-I clearly remember Elijah riding up to heaven in a whirlwind.



3:15 That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.

3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

-Everyone's favorite. Jesus is referring to himself in the third person.







4:5 Then cometh he to a city of Samaria, which is called Sychar, near to the parcel of ground that Jacob gave to his son Joseph.

4:6 Now Jacob's well was there. Jesus therefore, being wearied with his journey, sat thus on the well: and it was about the sixth hour.

4:7 There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, Give me to drink.

4:8 (For his disciples were gone away unto the city to buy meat.)

-Jesus can animate the dead and cure lepers no problem, but boy does all that walking tire him out. So he sees a woman getting water and demands that she give him water, since his usual slaves are off getting him food.



4:9 Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans.

4:10 Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water.

-The woman to Jesus: Who the hell do you think you are?
-Jesus to the woman: Bitch, if you knew who I was you'd be begging ME for water.



5:16 And therefore did the Jews persecute Jesus, and sought to slay him, because he had done these things on the sabbath day.

5:17 But Jesus answered them, My Father worketh hitherto, and I work.

5:18 Therefore the Jews sought the more to kill him, because he not only had broken the sabbath, but said also that God was his Father, making himself equal with God.

-Jesus heals a bunch of people on the Sabbath and again, the people get pissed because he's ignoring the laws of the OT. Jesus plays the role of the spoiled rich kid, "My dad does it, so I can too."



5:46 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me; for he wrote of me.

-Moses... definitely didn't mention you, Jesus. The idea of you hadn't been thought up yet.



Jesus multiplies the bread/fish, walks on water, and is rejected by his neighbors in Nazareth again.



6:48 I am that bread of life.

6:49 Your fathers did eat manna in the wilderness, and are dead.

6:50 This is the bread which cometh down from heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die.

6:51 I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.

-Jesus the Poet confusing more people with his bread/flesh analogy, while apparently promoting cannibalism. Can I put butter on my Jesus Bread Flesh? The Son of God is a little bland.







6:52 The Jews therefore strove among themselves, saying, How can this man give us his flesh to eat?

6:53 Then Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you.

6:54 Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day.

6:55 For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed.

6:56 He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him.

6:57 As the living Father hath sent me, and I live by the Father: so he that eateth me, even he shall live by me.

6:58 This is that bread which came down from heaven: not as your fathers did eat manna, and are dead: he that eateth of this bread shall live for ever.

6:60 Many therefore of his disciples, when they had heard this, said, This is an hard saying; who can hear it?

6:61 When Jesus knew in himself that his disciples murmured at it, he said unto them, Doth this offend you?

6:62 What and if ye shall see the Son of man ascend up where he was before?

6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

6:64 But there are some of you that believe not. For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were that believed not, and who should betray him.

6:65 And he said, Therefore said I unto you, that no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father.

6:66 From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.

-Read these verses carefully. Jesus is seriously asking his followers to eat him. My flesh is meat and my blood is drink. People are so grossed out by his Cult of Cannibalism, they departed from him.



6:67 Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?

6:68 Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.

6:69 And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.

6:70 Jesus answered them, Have not I chosen you twelve, and one of you is a devil?

-The only ones to stay are the 12 disciples, mainly because "Well... we can't really leave, can we? We want eternal life." Then Jesus points out that one of his chosen apostles is actually a devil? And no one finds this weird or asks him about it?



7:1 After these things Jesus walked in Galilee: for he would not walk in Jewry, because the Jews sought to kill him.

7:2 Now the Jew's feast of tabernacles was at hand.

7:3 His brethren therefore said unto him, Depart hence, and go into Judaea, that thy disciples also may see the works that thou doest.

7:4 For there is no man that doeth any thing in secret, and he himself seeketh to be known openly. If thou do these things, shew thyself to the world.

7:5 For neither did his brethren believe in him.

-Hey Jesus, the Jews want to kill you and your own family doesn't believe you, how bout you come with us to the feast and prove yourself?



Jesus secretly sneaks into a temple while the feast is going on and spews more misquotes from the Bible.

7:38 He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.

-Where does it say this exactly?



The story of the woman adulterer and the quote:

8:7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

-This is one of the best-known and most-loved of all Bible stories, but it shouldn't be in the Bible. For although some manuscripts put it here, others after John 7:36 or 21:35, or Luke 21:38, it is not found anywhere in the oldest and best manuscripts. (SAB)







8:15 Ye judge after the flesh; I judge no man.

-Well that's just plain incorrect, Jesus. You judge men all the time.

8:16 And yet if I judge, my judgment is true: for I am not alone, but I and the Father that sent me.

-Ok. I judge no man... but when I DO judge man, I am right to do so. Dynamite stuff.



8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

-Says the greatest liar in history.



8:40 But now ye seek to kill me, a man that hath told you the truth, which I have heard of God: this did not Abraham.

-Jesus referring to himself as simply a man who is doing God's work. Christians... why are you worshiping this human again?



The Jews become convinced that Jesus is a devil born from Satan, and after a debate, they reach a conclusion.

8:51 Verily, verily, I say unto you, If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death.

8:52Then said the Jews unto him, Now we know that thou hast a devil. Abraham is dead, and the prophets; and thou sayest, If a man keep my saying, he shall never taste of death.

-Gotcha. 11 people think Jesus is the Son of God, and the entire Jewish nation thinks he's a servant of Satan. Majority rules.







Jesus is losing them so he starts speaking jibberish:

8:56 Your father Abraham rejoiced to see my day: and he saw it, and was glad.

8:57 Then said the Jews unto him, Thou art not yet fifty years old, and hast thou seen Abraham?

8:58 Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Before Abraham was, I am.

8:59 Then took they up stones to cast at him: but Jesus hid himself, and went out of the temple, going through the midst of them, and so passed by.

-Your beloved Abraham liked me, why don't you? "How could you have seen Abraham, you're not even 50?" Um... I was there... before Abraham... "Right, let's stone this crazy motherfucker." (RABBLE!)



They run into yet another blind man (seem to be quite a bit of them wandering around) and Jesus claims that this man was born blind just so Jesus could heal him. So Jesus spits on the ground and rubs muddy spit into the man's eyes. Healed!







9:39 And Jesus said, For judgment I am come into this world, that they which see not might see; and that they which see might be made blind.

-Completely contradicting 8:15, Jesus now claims his purpose for coming to Earth is to judge people, to cure the blind, and to make blind those who can see.. all metaphorically of course. So after Jesus heals the blind, does he make them blind again?



10:1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.

10:2 But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep.

-Look Jesus, you made the effort to come to Earth and tell people this really important message directly from God... could you just once be precise and clear? Does everything you say have to be a riddle or a metaphor? Could you just go, "Hey, don't kill people, don't steal their stuff, and try to appreciate everything God has done"? Must you always go, "Alright, a man has 2 sticks of bubblegum, and one stick he breaketh in 2, and the other he dippeth in chocolate and cast it into the sea. Likewise, men must break and cast of themselves" ?



10:6 This parable spake Jesus unto them: but they understood not what things they were which he spake unto them.

-Of course not. So Jesus goes, "Look...

10:7 Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep.

10:8 All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.

10:9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.

-It's simple. I'm a door, and if you enter me you'll end up in a sheep pasture. Duh.



10:19 There was a division therefore again among the Jews for these sayings.

10:20 And many of them said, He hath a devil, and is mad; why hear ye him?

-Even the people who lived with Jesus called him insane, and we are supposed to embrace him as a deity 2000 years later, with mistranslation and guesswork as our sources?



10:29 My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.

10:30 I and my Father are one.

-Ah, a source of Christian claims? Of course that verse does follow one that praises God as a separate entity. But then why even expect clarity from the Bible?



10:31 Then the Jews took up stones again to stone him.

-That would be my response as well.

10:33 The Jews answered him, saying, For a good work we stone thee not; but for blasphemy; and because that thou, being a man, makest thyself God.

10:34 Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods?

-Jesus the Silver Tongued uses his wordsmith abilities and claims, "Sure I claim to be God, but we are ALL Gods!"



10:37 If I do not the works of my Father, believe me not.

10:38 But if I do, though ye believe not me, believe the works: that ye may know, and believe, that the Father is in me, and I in him.

10:39 Therefore they sought again to take him: but he escaped out of their hand,

-Jesus now claims that he is IN God and God is IN him. And once again, the people chase Jesus out of town (must be hard to run in sandals).







11:4 When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.

-Lazarus is only sick, but Jesus says that he has to die since a resurrection would bring more glory than a simple heal.



Lazarus becomes part of the gospel stories when previously he wasn't mentioned. When Jesus is wasting expensive oil on himself instead of the poor, Lazarus is now in the room. When Jesus rides into town on a colt/ass, the people lead the way proclaiming, "This is the man who rose Lazarus from the dead."

-You would think that a man raising another man from the dead would be mentioned in the other gospels.



13:4 He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself.

13:5 After that he poureth water into a bason, and began to wash the disciples' feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded.

-Jesus gets naked at supper, puts on a towel loincloth, and washes his disciples feet, drying them on his loincloth in the most homoerotic way possible.



13:8 Peter saith unto him, Thou shalt never wash my feet. Jesus answered him, If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me.

13:9 Simon Peter saith unto him, Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head.

13:10 Jesus saith to him, He that is washed needeth not save to wash his feet, but is clean every whit: and ye are clean, but not all.

-Peter says, "You don't need to wash my feet, Jesus" and Jesus is like, either let me wash your feet or gtfo. So Peter is like, "Fine, while you're at it, wash my hands and head too."




"One of you shall betray me" ... then Jesus pretty much gives Satan the go ahead sign.

13:26 Jesus answered, He it is, to whom I shall give a sop, when I have dipped it. And when he had dipped the sop, he gave it to Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon.

13:27 And after the sop Satan entered into him. Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do quickly.

-Satan possesses Judas AFTER Jesus points out which one will betray him. Then Jesus says, "Do it quickly" and Judas leaves to go do evil things.



14:4 And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.

14:5 Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way?

14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

-All Jews (God's chosen people) are going to hell.



14:10 Believest thou not that I am in the Father, and the Father in me? the words that I speak unto you I speak not of myself: but the Father that dwelleth in me, he doeth the works.

-Now Jesus is claiming that he's possessed by God and not responsible for any miracles.



14:13 And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

14:14 If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.

-So technically, the Pope could get rid of all human suffering and make the world a perfect place just by asking for it. That or Jesus is lying.



15:1 I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman.

15:2 Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.

15:3 Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you.

-You know what, Jesus? I'm tired of trying to figure out what the Bleep you are talking about. If I had a friend who constantly responded to my questions with statements such as, "I am as a pile of corn, to be given to widows, and eaten with a mighty heart" ...I would stop hanging out with that friend.



15:6 If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.

-Ah, so this was all just a convoluted way to tell me you want to burn people.







15:12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

-Love ONE ANOTHER, not love other Christians. Stop bombing abortion clinics and waging holy wars against Muslims. It also doesn't say love one another, unless they're homosexual.



15:14 Ye are my friends...

-Well that's nice of you, Lord.

...if ye do whatsoever I command you.

-Oh. Well then...



15:23 He that hateth me hateth my Father also.

-Good one. If you hate me, then you hate God also... and you don't want THAT, do you?



17:1 These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee:

17:2 As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him.

17:3 And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.

17:4 I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.

-Jesus gives a final, dramatic soliloquy just to really bring it home.



18:3 Judas then, having received a band of men and officers from the chief priests and Pharisees, cometh thither with lanterns and torches and weapons.

18:4 Jesus therefore, knowing all things that should come upon him, went forth, and said unto them, Whom seek ye?

18:5 They answered him, Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus saith unto them, I am he. And Judas also, which betrayed him, stood with them.

-This time, instead of Judas kissing Jesus in the middle of the desert, the guards straight up ask for Jesus in a garden and Jesus identifies himself. Inconsistent like a champion.



18:10 Then Simon Peter having a sword drew it, and smote the high priest's servant, and cut off his right ear. The servant's name was Malchus.

18:11 Then said Jesus unto Peter, Put up thy sword into the sheath: the cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?

-And this time, instead of "those who live by the sword, die by the sword" we get "should I drink from a heavenly cup?"



Simon denies Jesus to 3 completely different people again and Jesus says a lot of things to Pilate when before he was silent.



19:7 The Jews answered him, We have a law, and by our law he ought to die, because he made himself the Son of God.

-The Jews are just doing what God commanded of them.



19:19 And Pilate wrote a title, and put it on the cross. And the writing was JESUS OF NAZARETH THE KING OF THE JEWS.

-4 different sayings from 4 different gospels. It's a big ass sign over your messiah's head as he hangs on a cross. You would think the saying would be burned in your head.

19:20 This title then read many of the Jews: for the place where Jesus was crucified was nigh to the city: and it was written in Hebrew, and Greek, and Latin.

-And it was even translated into several languages, just so no one has to guess.



19:25 Now there stood by the cross of Jesus his mother, and his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Cleophas, and Mary Magdalene.

-So Mary, Mary, and Mary were all present. Seriously, can we come up with a different name for women?



19:30 When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.

-No darkness, no earthquakes, or temple destruction. No crying out to God about being forsaken, just "It is finished."



Joseph comes to claim Jesus' body, only this time he's accompanied by Nicodemus, in the spirit of biblical contradictions.



20:1 The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.

20:2 Then she runneth, and cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them, They have taken away the LORD out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him.

20:3 Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.

20:4 So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre.

20:5 And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in.

20:6 Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie,

-AND YET AGAIN, four gospels, four completely different stories. The contradictions will be in bold. Mary shows up by herself... while it's dark out... sees the door open and runs away to go get some disciples. There's no one in the tomb so they assume he rose from the dead.



20:9 For as yet they knew not the scripture, that he must rise again from the dead.

-The disciples had no idea that Jesus was supposed to rise from the dead since they were not big on reading the Bible and Jesus never told them (except for all the other gospels).



20:11 But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,

20:12 And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.

20:13 And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my LORD, and I know not where they have laid him.

20:14 And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.

-Suddenly 2 angels appear in the tomb along with Jesus... only he apparently didn't look like Jesus.



20:19 Then the same day at evening, being the first day of the week, when the doors were shut where the disciples were assembled for fear of the Jews, came Jesus and stood in the midst, and saith unto them, Peace be unto you.

20:20 And when he had so said, he shewed unto them his hands and his side. Then were the disciples glad, when they saw the LORD.

-Since the doors were locked, Jesus apparently walked through walls and had to show the disciples his crucifixion wounds to prove it was him. They're like, "but Thomas the disciple isn't here, Lord!" So Jesus comes back 8 days later when Thomas is there with them and shows his wounds again.



20:30 And many other signs truly did Jesus in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book:

20:31 But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name.

-Great verse. Oh, and Jesus did some other stuff too, but we're not going to bother writing it down.



Like I said earlier. Four gospels, four completely different stories. Completely different. Mary showed up and the guards died, no wait there were no guards and Mary brought other women, and the earthquake opened the tomb, no wait the door was already open... there was a guy sitting in the tomb, no there were two guys, no it was empty and then two angels and Jesus show up... Jesus talks to his disciples on a mountainside, no as a vision to each disciple individually, no in a house, well it was a house, but Thomas wasn't there so he had to come back eight days later. This is a fucking recollection of eleven people. Eleven people can't seem to remember the who, what, when, and where of the most amazing, life confirming event to ever happen to them.

This is a load of horseshit.

The Acts or History of the Apostles


-Yeah this post is incredibly long like the other ones. Suck it-


1:1 The former treatise have I made, O Theophilus, of all that Jesus began both to do and teach,

1:2 Until the day in which he was taken up, after that he through the Holy Ghost had given commandments unto the apostles whom he had chosen:

1:3 To whom also he shewed himself alive after his passion by many infallible proofs, being seen of them forty days, and speaking of the things pertaining to the kingdom of God:

-Infallible proofs? Half the disciples doubted that it was Jesus. An unrecognizable man with wounds on his hands is hardly infallible proof. And someone "speaking of the things pertaining to the kingdom of God" proves nothing. I could go outside right now and stand on a park bench and start describing the divine cars we will drive in heaven and that doesn't suggest that I know what I'm talking about. The proofs themselves should provide their own "infallible" status, not someone who wants them to be so describing them as such.



1:10 And while they looked stedfastly toward heaven as he went up, behold, two men stood by them in white apparel;

1:11 Which also said, Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven? this same Jesus, which is taken up from you into heaven, shall so come in like manner as ye have seen him go into heaven.

-Completely new recounting of Jesus ascension that isn't found in the other gospels. Two dudes dressed in white claim that Jesus shall return in the same celestial teleportation manner.



The disciples along with 100 or so people gather in a house on Mount Olivet to form the first Christian ministry and start off the meeting by describing the demise of Judas Iscariot:

1:18 Now this man purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out.

-Even though in Matthew, it claims that he gave his money to priests and hung himself.



Then to fill the missing apostle spot, they gamble.

1:24 And they prayed, and said, Thou, Lord, which knowest the hearts of all men, shew whether of these two thou hast chosen,

1:25 That he may take part of this ministry and apostleship, from which Judas by transgression fell, that he might go to his own place.

1:26 And they gave forth their lots; and the lot fell upon Matthias; and he was numbered with the eleven apostles.

-It seems that Einstein was wrong, God apparently DOES play with dice.



2:2 And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting.

2:3 And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them.

2:4 And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.

-It gets windy and everyone has flaming tongues on their heads... and they are filled with the power of the Babel Fish, and everyone can understand everyone. They were amazed and grateful for this because there were people from dozens of kingdoms there... which makes you wonder what they hoped to accomplish by being there in the first place. If a gathering of Italians took place near me, I wouldn't bother going because I wouldn't understand a single word of the meeting.



2:13 Others mocking said, These men are full of new wine.

-Though some people thought "speaking in tongues" sounded like drunken babble.



2:17 And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams:

2:18 And on my servants and on my handmaidens I will pour out in those days of my Spirit; and they shall prophesy:

2:19 And I will shew wonders in heaven above, and signs in the earth beneath; blood, and fire, and vapour of smoke:

2:20 The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and notable day of the Lord come:

-Peter hears them mocking as expected and uses this as his cue to begin his sales pitch. He jumps up on a table and begins telling everyone present to repent, because there are the last days.



2:31 He seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption.

-Apparently Jesus got lost on his way to heaven and ended up in hell.



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2:36 Therefore let all the house of Israel know assuredly, that God hath made the same Jesus, whom ye have crucified, both Lord and Christ.

2:37 Now when they heard this, they were pricked in their heart, and said unto Peter and to the rest of the apostles, Men and brethren, what shall we do?

2:38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

-Thus begins the Christian practice of making the innocent feel guilty, and then claiming to have a remedy for that guilt; just repent and be baptized.



2:41 Then they that gladly received his word were baptized: and the same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls.

-The 120 that were present at the start of the meeting is suddenly 3000.



2:44 And all that believed were together, and had all things common;

2:45 And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.

-The first Christians were the first communists.



3:6 Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.

3:7 And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength.

-The disciples continue doing the miracles that Jesus was praised for. All Peter has to do is claim that HE is the son of God and a sect called Peterians will be developed.



4:13 Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marvelled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus.

-So Peter and John were unlearned and ignorant men... awesome. The main supporters of Christianity were considered dumbasses by those around them. But since they were so bold and assertive in their claims, they MUST have been with Jesus.



5:1 But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession,

5:2 And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet.

5:3 But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?

5:4 Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.

5:5 And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things.

5:6 And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him.

5:7 And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in.

5:8 And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much.

5:9 Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.

5:10 Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband.

-The first people to deny the communist way of life were killed by God.



5:12 And by the hands of the apostles were many signs and wonders wrought among the people; (and they were all with one accord in Solomon's porch.

5:15 Insomuch that they brought forth the sick into the streets, and laid them on beds and couches, that at the least the shadow of Peter passing by might overshadow some of them.

5:16 There came also a multitude out of the cities round about unto Jerusalem, bringing sick folks, and them which were vexed with unclean spirits: and they were healed every one.

-The apostles can do the exact same thing as Jesus. Peter is so powerful that his shadow can heal people. Throughout the Bible, there have been people that have done the same miracles as Christ. And people will argue "well the apostles can only do miracles because of God" ...well that's the exact thing that Jesus claimed. That God was working through him. So the only difference between Jesus and all these other miracle workers is that Jesus was able to self-resurrect. But the resurrection story is completely different in all the gospels, so Christians are basing their entire lives on a contradicting, jumbled story?



5:17 Then the high priest rose up, and all they that were with him, (which is the sect of the Sadducees,) and were filled with indignation,

5:18 And laid their hands on the apostles, and put them in the common prison.

5:19 But the angel of the Lord by night opened the prison doors, and brought them forth, and said,

-Angels carry out a prison break.






The guards notice that the apostles were gone, went out and captured them again, and brought them before a counsel:

5:40 And to him they agreed: and when they had called the apostles, and beaten them, they commanded that they should not speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go.

5:41 And they departed from the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name.

-The apostles are glad for the beating, since it was for the good of the Lord.



6:7 And the word of God increased; and the number of the disciples multiplied in Jerusalem greatly; and a great company of the priests were obedient to the faith.

6:8 And Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people.

-The spread of cancer begins. Oh, and a guy named Stephen does magic tricks.



Stephen tells a long ass boring story, then concludes that Jews are evil.

7:54 When they heard these things, they were cut to the heart, and they gnashed on him with their teeth.

-Cause that's what Jews do when confronted with the divine truth, they gnash their teeth, probably while cutting themselves and screeching like demons.



7:55 But he, being full of the Holy Ghost, looked up stedfastly into heaven, and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing on the right hand of God,

7:56 And said, Behold, I see the heavens opened, and the Son of man standing on the right hand of God.

7:57 Then they cried out with a loud voice, and stopped their ears, and ran upon him with one accord,

7:58 And cast him out of the city, and stoned him: and the witnesses laid down their clothes at a young man's feet, whose name was Saul.

7:59 And they stoned Stephen, calling upon God, and saying, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.

7:60 And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep.

-Stephen goes, "Look I can see God and Jesus! Why can't you guys see him?" so he gets stoned, but not before he takes a Righteous Nap.



Philip went into Samaria and cast out unclean spirits and healed the lame.

8:9 But there was a certain man, called Simon, which beforetime in the same city used sorcery, and bewitched the people of Samaria, giving out that himself was some great one:

8:10 To whom they all gave heed, from the least to the greatest, saying, This man is the great power of God.

8:11 And to him they had regard, because that of long time he had bewitched them with sorceries.

-Just fantastic. A man named Simon had already "bewitched the people of Samaria" with his constant sorcery and likewise claiming that he was a great prophet. He rolls with the apostle crew for a while, but gets kicked out for offering to pay gold to receive the power to fill people with the Holy Ghost.







Saul, the front runner on Christian persecution, is on his way to Damascus with his posse to do evil things to Christians, when he hears the voice of Jesus from the heavens. They converse and Jesus is like, "What's your deal, dude?" And Saul goes, "Oh, you DO exist. My bad." So Jesus makes Saul blind for three days for some reason and sends him into the city to meet up with this guy named Ananius. Ananius also talk to Jesus and complains that Saul is a dick so why is he now the chosen voice of God? Jesus is like:

9:15 But the Lord said unto him, Go thy way: for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles, and kings, and the children of Israel:

9:16 For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake.

-I'm making him do my work so I can Bleep with him. Then Ananius walks into the room where Saul was and heals his blindness.



9:22 But Saul increased the more in strength, and confounded the Jews which dwelt at Damascus, proving that this is very Christ.

9:23 And after that many days were fulfilled, the Jews took counsel to kill him:

-The evil Jews decide to kill Saul for his change of heart... probably while gnashing their Jew teeth.



9:40 But Peter put them all forth, and kneeled down, and prayed; and turning him to the body said, Tabitha, arise. And she opened her eyes: and when she saw Peter, she sat up.

-Peter raises Tabitha from the dead. So simple they should sell Resurrection for Dummies books.



10:9 On the morrow, as they went on their journey, and drew nigh unto the city, Peter went up upon the housetop to pray about the sixth hour:

10:10 And he became very hungry, and would have eaten: but while they made ready, he fell into a trance,

10:11 And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending upon him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth:

10:12 Wherein were all manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air.

10:13 And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat.

10:14 But Peter said, Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean.

10:15 And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.

10:16 This was done thrice: and the vessel was received up again into heaven.

10:17 Now while Peter doubted in himself what this vision which he had seen should mean, behold, the men which were sent from Cornelius had made enquiry for Simon's house, and stood before the gate,

-Peter is starving and has a vision where God offers him a blanket full of animals and says "kill and eat." Peter is confused and turns God down.



10:39 And we are witnesses of all things which he did both in the land of the Jews, and in Jerusalem; whom they slew and hanged on a tree:

-The Book of Acts so far is just Peter and his crew going around preaching and converting, while at the same time blaming the Jews over and over for the death of Jesus.



12:1 Now about that time Herod the king stretched forth his hands to vex certain of the church.

12:2 And he killed James the brother of John with the sword.

12:3 And because he saw it pleased the Jews, he proceeded further to take Peter also. (Then were the days of unleavened bread.)

-Herod kills James and imprisons Peter because it made the Jews happy. Damn Jews.



12:7 And, behold, the angel of the Lord came upon him, and a light shined in the prison: and he smote Peter on the side, and raised him up, saying, Arise up quickly. And his chains fell off from his hands.

12:8 And the angel said unto him, Gird thyself, and bind on thy sandals. And so he did. And he saith unto him, Cast thy garment about thee, and follow me.

12:9 And he went out, and followed him; and wist not that it was true which was done by the angel; but thought he saw a vision.

12:10 When they were past the first and the second ward, they came unto the iron gate that leadeth unto the city; which opened to them of his own accord: and they went out, and passed on through one street; and forthwith the angel departed from him.

-An angel sneaks into prison, kicks Peter in the side and whispers, "Get your clothes on and follow me." Then they sneak out of prison, without much explanation as to how Peter got out of the cell while there were multiple guards standing there.



12:12 And when he had considered the thing, he came to the house of Mary the mother of John, whose surname was Mark; where many were gathered together praying.

-ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THE MARY'S? You get the feeling that the authors of the Bible were such misogynists that women were just unimportant objects. Whatever, call her Mary. Yeah call that one Mary too. I don't care, just call them all Mary.



12:20 And Herod was highly displeased with them of Tyre and Sidon:

-Ezekiel (26:14, 21; 27:36) prophesied that Tyre would be completely destroyed by Nebuchadrezzar, never to be built again. Yet it wasn't destroyed, as is evident from this verse. (SAB)



12:21 And upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them.

12:22 And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man.

12:23 And immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost.

-People in the Bronze Age apparently assume that any loud voice is the voice of a god (would explain a lot of the "messages from God" parts). The Lord gets jealous that Herod is being praised and not sharing any of the glory, so he immediately kills him.

-I looked up Herod's death since he was an actual person and there would be records if such an event took place. First, Herod died in 4 BCE, long before the events of Acts and before Jesus was even born. Second, it was believed that Herod died of a combination of chronic kidney disease and scabies... and the only person to disagree with the time of death and cause of death is of course Josephus, the Divine Historian. But Josephus also described the death as "Herod's Evil" and wasn't born until 37 AD... which means he wasn't of "thinking age" until about 60 AD (given the generous assumption that he began his work as a historian at 23)... so how he drew his conclusions of a man who died 64 years beforehand is beyond me.



Paul is preaching the events of the gospels to some Gentiles while the Jews are in synagogue.

13:42 And when the Jews were gone out of the synagogue, the Gentiles besought that these words might be preached to them the next sabbath.

13:44 And the next sabbath day came almost the whole city together to hear the word of God.

13:45 But when the Jews saw the multitudes, they were filled with envy, and spake against those things which were spoken by Paul, contradicting and blaspheming.

13:46 Then Paul and Barnabas waxed bold, and said, It was necessary that the word of God should first have been spoken to you: but seeing ye put it from you, and judge yourselves unworthy of everlasting life, lo, we turn to the Gentiles.

13:50 But the Jews stirred up the devout and honourable women, and the chief men of the city, and raised persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them out of their coasts.

-The Jews were so jealous of the size of the crowd that came to hear Paul, they lashed out and threw Paul and Barnabas out of the city. How can the Jews be praised and chosen by God in the OT, then despised and blamed for the death of Jesus in the NT? What ever happened to "love thy neighbor" or "turn the other cheek?" The disciples are hellbent on painting the Jews as jealous murderers.



Meanwhile, in the next city:

14:2 But the unbelieving Jews stirred up the Gentiles, and made their minds evil affected against the brethren.

14:5 And when there was an assault made both of the Gentiles, and also of the Jews with their rulers, to use them despitefully, and to stone them,

-To convince someone of anything other than what the apostles are saying is to "make their minds evil." And of course, they get chased out of the city by death threats.



14:8 And there sat a certain man at Lystra, impotent in his feet, being a cripple from his mother's womb, who never had walked:

14:9 The same heard Paul speak: who stedfastly beholding him, and perceiving that he had faith to be healed,

14:10 Said with a loud voice, Stand upright on thy feet. And he leaped and walked.

-I hope God isn't recruiting for God's army. Cause he'll just have a bunch of ex-cripples, atrophied limbs learning to work, and people who are just now using their eyes.



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14:11 And when the people saw what Paul had done, they lifted up their voices, saying in the speech of Lycaonia, The gods are come down to us in the likeness of men.

14:12 And they called Barnabas, Jupiter; and Paul, Mercurius, because he was the chief speaker.

14:13 Then the priest of Jupiter, which was before their city, brought oxen and garlands unto the gates, and would have done sacrifice with the people.

-Take great care to notice... the people back then were VERY gullible and eager to claim that any and all things were the work of whatever gods they happen to believe in. In this case it was the gods Jupiter and Mercurius.







14:19 And there came thither certain Jews from Antioch and Iconium, who persuaded the people, and having stoned Paul, drew him out of the city, supposing he had been dead.

14:20 Howbeit, as the disciples stood round about him, he rose up, and came into the city: and the next day he departed with Barnabas to Derbe.

-Them damn Jews demons convinced the same people who a few verses ago thought Paul was a god... to stone him and throw his body outside the city. He gets up and they move on to the next city that will most likely try to kill them.



The disciples, Paul, and Barnabas gather to discuss whether or not people still need to get circumcised to get into heaven. Peter stands and says, "The Lord trusts us and knows what is in our hearts so what we decide must be Lord-approved."

15:10 Now therefore why tempt ye God, to put a yoke upon the neck of the disciples, which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear?

15:11 But we believe that through the grace of the LORD Jesus Christ we shall be saved, even as they.

-Peter's way of saying that circumcision is an inconvenience that no one should bear and that if we trust in Jesus, it will make up for not being circumcised.



15:24 Forasmuch as we have heard, that certain which went out from us have troubled you with words, subverting your souls, saying, Ye must be circumcised, and keep the law: to whom we gave no such commandment:

-The apostles decide, on a hunch that God approves since he's not interjecting, that circumcision is unnecessary and the OT laws don't have to be followed. Sounds a lot like the behavior of the modern Christians; change the doctrines to better suit your wants.



15:28 For it seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us, to lay upon you no greater burden than these necessary things;

15:29 That ye abstain from meats offered to idols, and from blood, and from things strangled, and from fornication: from which if ye keep yourselves, ye shall do well. Fare ye well.

-Attention people, we have conferred with the Holy Ghost and we come to the following agreement. The only important laws that you should follow are:

1. Don't offer animal sacrifices to false gods
2. Abstain from blood (this is why JW's can't accept blood transfusions)
3. Abstain from "things strangled" Uh, some clarification on that please? Don't choke things? Or don't eat animals that have been suffocated to death?
4. Abstain from fornication... ummmm, why? You don't have to cut part of your dick off anymore, but now you aren't allowed to use your dick at all.

Good day and take care.



15:36 And some days after Paul said unto Barnabas, Let us go again and visit our brethren in every city where we have preached the word of the LORD, and see how they do.

15:37 And Barnabas determined to take with them John, whose surname was Mark.

15:38 But Paul thought not good to take him with them, who departed from them from Pamphylia, and went not with them to the work.

15:39 And the contention was so sharp between them, that they departed asunder one from the other: and so Barnabas took Mark, and sailed unto Cyprus;

15:40 And Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God.

15:41 And he went through Syria and Cilicia, confirming the churches.

-Paul and Barnabas decide to travel throughout the land and see if people are actually listening to them and doing as commanded, but Paul doesn't like Barnabas' friend choices so they split up. Contention within the ranks already?



16:5 And so were the churches established in the faith, and increased in number daily.

16:6 Now when they had gone throughout Phrygia and the region of Galatia, and were forbidden of the Holy Ghost to preach the word in Asia,

-God hates Asians.



16:14 And a certain woman named Lydia, a seller of purple, of the city of Thyatira...

-Finally, a woman not named Mary... and she sells... purple.



16:16 And it came to pass, as we went to prayer, a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of divination met us, which brought her masters much gain by soothsaying:

16:18 And this did she many days. But Paul, being grieved, turned and said to the spirit, I command thee in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her. And he came out the same hour.

Divination: The practice of foretelling future events through supernatural means.
Soothsaying: Telling prophecies.

-Paul runs into a woman who claims to foresee future events through prophecy via supernatural sources, aka the EXACT same thing Paul and his gang do... and he's convinced she is possessed by a spirit who must be cast out. Gotta eliminate the competition, I guess.



As is the norm when a psycho cult comes to town, Paul and crew are beaten and thrown into prison. And again, God doesn't care about human laws.

16:26 And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bands were loosed.

-He lets EVERYONE out of prison. Thanks, God.



16:27 And the keeper of the prison awaking out of his sleep, and seeing the prison doors open, he drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, supposing that the prisoners had been fled.

16:28 But Paul cried with a loud voice, saying, Do thyself no harm: for we are all here.

16:29 Then he called for a light, and sprang in, and came trembling, and fell down before Paul and Silas,

16:30 And brought them out, and said, Sirs, what must I do to be saved?

16:31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.

16:32 And they spake unto him the word of the Lord, and to all that were in his house.

16:33 And he took them the same hour of the night, and washed their stripes; and was baptized, he and all his, straightway.

16:34 And when he had brought them into his house, he set meat before them, and rejoiced, believing in God with all his house.

-The jailor goes, "Might as well kill myself" and Paul goes, "Wait! You can be saved by Jesus Christ as well as your whole family (so as long as my parents are saved, I'm good to go? Great!)." So the jailor is now their best buddy and has dinner with them. Yeah. Sounds totally believable.



17:5 But the Jews which believed not, moved with envy...

17:13 But when the Jews of Thessalonica had knowledge that the word of God was preached of Paul at Berea, they came thither also, and stirred up the people.

-I can't figure out why the Jews are so angry at the disciples all the time...

17:10 And the brethren immediately sent away Paul and Silas by night unto Berea: who coming thither went into the synagogue of the Jews.

-Oh that's right. Perhaps it's because the disciples use Jewish synagogues as their favorite place to preach a non-Jewish religion.







17:16 Now while Paul waited for them at Athens, his spirit was stirred in him, when he saw the city wholly given to idolatry.

17:17 Therefore disputed he in the synagogue with the Jews, and with the devout persons, and in the market daily with them that met with him.

17:18 Then certain philosophers of the Epicureans, and of the Stoicks, encountered him. And some said, What will this babbler say? other some, He seemeth to be a setter forth of strange gods: because he preached unto them Jesus, and the resurrection.

-Paul is hanging out in Athens and gets restless and spirit stir crazy (picture Kirk Cameron on a coke binge) and starts confronting all the Jews in their synagogues and in the market place. The philosophers say, "Who is this person babbling about strange gods?"



Paul is preaching to the Athenians and mocking them for believing in their crazy gods while failing to see the irony of such a mockery. The Athenians don't receive him too well:

17:32 And when they heard of the resurrection of the dead, some mocked: and others said, We will hear thee again of this matter.



18:4 And he reasoned in the synagogue every sabbath, and persuaded the Jews and the Greeks.

18:5 And when Silas and Timotheus were come from Macedonia, Paul was pressed in the spirit, and testified to the Jews that Jesus was Christ.

18:6 And when they opposed themselves, and blasphemed, he shook his raiment, and said unto them, Your blood be upon your own heads; I am clean; from henceforth I will go unto the Gentiles.

-Paul leaves Athens and goes to Corinth, where he spends EVERY sabbath in the Jewish synagogues preaching blasphemy and threatening violence. What a swell guy, I don't understand why he wasn't greeted warmly wherever he went.



Some people are impressed by Paul's constant miracles and exorcisms so they go, "hey we'll give it a try" and the demon goes, "I know Jesus, and I know Paul, but who are you?" Then the demon possessed person attacks the would be exorcists and they run away.

-Apparently Satan hands out rosters to his demons of the best known prophets because they all know the workers of Christ on a first name basis.



19:19 Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver.

-The first Book Burning for Christ party is held, and many books of "curious arts" are burned. You gotta wonder if biology, chemistry, or astronomy would be considered "curious arts" back then.



20:7 And upon the first day of the week, when the disciples came together to break bread, Paul preached unto them, ready to depart on the morrow; and continued his speech until midnight.

20:8 And there were many lights in the upper chamber, where they were gathered together.

20:9 And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep: and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead.

20:10 And Paul went down, and fell on him, and embracing him said, Trouble not yourselves; for his life is in him.

-Paul's sermon was so long and boring that a guy fell asleep and fell out his window. When they came to claim the body, Paul jumps on top of him and hugs him tight, claiming "he's still alive!"



20:27 For I have not shunned to declare unto you all the counsel of God.

20:28 Take heed therefore unto yourselves, and to all the flock, over the which the Holy Ghost hath made you overseers, to feed the church of God, which he hath purchased with his own blood.

20:29 For I know this, that after my departing shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock.

20:30 Also of your own selves shall men arise, speaking perverse things, to draw away disciples after them.

20:31 Therefore watch, and remember, that by the space of three years I ceased not to warn every one night and day with tears.

-In that wonderful Christian self-righteous tone, Paul tells the people of some random city that he tried his best to teach them about God, and that after he leaves it's totally their fault if they F it up. Plus I always find it amusing when prophets warn people not to listen to other prophets; that somehow THEIR mental link to the supernatural deities is the only true one and you should just take their word for it.



The Jews try to kill Paul again but he convinces them to let him speak for a second by apparently claiming to be a Jew:

21:39 But Paul said, I am a man which am a Jew of Tarsus, a city in Cilicia, a citizen of no mean city: and, I beseech thee, suffer me to speak unto the people.



After hearing Paul basically recount the acts of Acts and claim that he is a messenger from Jesus:

22:22 And they gave him audience unto this word, and then lifted up their voices, and said, Away with such a fellow from the earth: for it is not fit that he should live.

22:23 And as they cried out, and cast off their clothes, and threw dust into the air,

-Yup, they get naked, throw dust in the air, and try to kill him.



Later before the centurions can punish him, he claims to be innocent and a Roman so gather the council. And after Paul sees that the council is half Pharisee and half Sadducee, he claims to be of Pharisee descent. And also manages to threaten everyone with condemnation.

23:1 And Paul, earnestly beholding the council, said, Men and brethren, I have lived in all good conscience before God until this day.

23:2 And the high priest Ananias commanded them that stood by him to smite him on the mouth.

23:3 Then said Paul unto him, God shall smite thee, thou whited wall: for sittest thou to judge me after the law, and commandest me to be smitten contrary to the law?



23:11 And the night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul: for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome.

-Jesus hangs out with Paul in jail, reassuring him. Which makes me wonder again, how does the author know what Jesus said to Paul in a prison cell? It's just Jesus and Paul by themselves. During the "divine inspiration" that occurred when people were writing the Bible, did Jesus make sure to include that part? "Make sure you write about when I showed up in jail and comforted Paul. Yeah, that will make me look awesome."







The Jews conspire to kill Paul so they have him moved to another prison.



24:12 And they neither found me in the temple disputing with any man, neither raising up the people, neither in the synagogues, nor in the city:

24:13 Neither can they prove the things whereof they now accuse me.

24:14 But this I confess unto thee, that after the way which they call heresy, so worship I the God of my fathers, believing all things which are written in the law and in the prophets:

-At his new prison, Paul starts pouring on the lies. "I never set foot in their temples nor did I try to preach to anyone. And also, I'm a Jew."



25:7 And when he was come, the Jews which came down from Jerusalem stood round about, and laid many and grievous complaints against Paul, which they could not prove.

-Surrounded again by evil, baby killing Jews, Paul asks to be judged by Caesar. So they take him to king Agrippa, who hears his story and completely believes him. The king claims that he would give him freedom if only he hadn't appealed to Caesar. So they load Paul on a boat to presumably take to Caesar, but at this point in Acts (chap. 27), the author begins narrating as if he were on the ship as well.

27:1 And when it was determined that we should sail into Italy, they delivered Paul and certain other prisoners unto one named Julius, a centurion of Augustus' band.

27:2 And entering into a ship of Adramyttium, we launched, meaning to sail by the coasts of Asia; one Aristarchus, a Macedonian of Thessalonica, being with us.

27:3 And the next day we touched at Sidon. And Julius courteously entreated Paul, and gave him liberty to go unto his friends to refresh himself.

-Nearly every verse of this chapter has "we" in it.



The boat hits some bad weather and Paul assures them that everything will be alright because an angel spoke to him that night. They end up crashing on some rocks and swimming to shore.

28:3 And when Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks, and laid them on the fire, there came a viper out of the heat, and fastened on his hand.

28:4 And when the barbarians saw the venomous beast hang on his hand, they said among themselves, No doubt this man is a murderer, whom, though he hath escaped the sea, yet vengeance suffereth not to live.

28:5 And he shook off the beast into the fire, and felt no harm.

28:6 Howbeit they looked when he should have swollen, or fallen down dead suddenly: but after they had looked a great while, and saw no harm come to him, they changed their minds, and said that he was a god.

-Good LORD people back then are ready to attribute anything to god status, as long as they are baffled by it.

-(The snake story is especially interesting since there are no poisonous snakes on Malta, and there is no evidence of their existence in the past.) (SAB)



Paul finally gets his hearing in Rome and the Jews ask him to explain himself:

28:22 But we desire to hear of thee what thou thinkest: for as concerning this sect, we know that every where it is spoken against.

-Your little religious sect is hated by everyone. Paul ends up being put under house arrest for 2 years, and many people come to hear his words, "some believing and some not."



Moral of Acts? The Jews are spiteful creatures who only wish to kill the righteous.

The Epistle to the Romans
AKA Paul repeating everything he's been preaching but in writing this time



Dear Romans, did you have fun at the BBQ last weekend? Carol's potato salad was delish... no but seriously.

1:1 Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle, separated unto the gospel of God,

1:8 First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, that your faith is spoken of throughout the whole world.

-Paul introduces himself, claims to speak for Christ, and thanks everyone who believes. Very formal and business-like.

1:9 For God is my witness, whom I serve with my spirit in the gospel of his Son, that without ceasing I make mention of you always in my prayers;

-Alright, starting to get a little self-righteous here. Sort of a "I can show you poor souls the way because I am special" kind of vibe happening now



1:20 For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; that they are without excuse:

1:21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

1:22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools.

-By not believing creationism with its obvious evidence, we are fools. We all KNOW that God exists, we just choose to make up alternate explanations because we have foolish hearts.



1:25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.

1:26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:

1:27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

-While not spoken from Jesus himself, Jesus' leading spokesman at the time claims God hates gays and lesbians.



1:29 Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,

1:30 Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,

1:31 Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:

1:32 Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.

-Not sure if Paul is talking about gays or sinners in general... but I'm pretty sure some of those insults aren't bad things. Fornication, debate, whispering, proud, disobedient to parents (some parents don't deserve respect or obedience)... these things aren't insults. Oh, and all these proud debaters who have sex deserve to die.



You are all sinners and Jesus is the way and you will be judges by your deeds... unless you have faith... then your deeds don't really matter.

4:5 But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness.

Jesus died for you, through the death of an innocent man are the guilty able to be saved... blah blah blah.



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6:23 For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

-No mention of hell. If sin equals nonexistence and being a Christian equals eternal life... I seriously choose sin.



7:6 But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter.

-Paul claims that like a wife is no longer bound to her husband by law when he dies, we are no longer bound to the OT laws because Jesus died. This is a pretty big assumption to just be throwing around Paul. Are you sure you don't want to wait until one of your many angelic visits or divine dreams tells you such? I'm still baffled as to why we were even given the many many many laws of the OT in the first place? All those people who sprinkled the blood of birds on other birds and sacrificed turtles every time their wives had their periods and married their rape victims... was all for nothing, since those were just temporary placeholder laws that only applied to certain people of a certain time period and demographic.



7:7 What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.

7:8 But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead.

-This also raises some questions. Without being told what sin was, were we still sinners? Without specific good and bad Biblical legislation, we were left to our own human nature. We would fornicate because it was pleasurable and necessary to the survival of our species. We would be promiscuous because like animals, it is not in our nature to restrict ourselves to one person. That would be a hindrance to efficiently increasing our population. So why were we born with the subconscious desire to do sinful acts?



8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

-This verse is so incorrect that a new word should be invented to describe the level of wrong it has achieved: "frimsical" That verse was completely frimsical.



9:13 As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.

9:14 What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? God forbid.

9:15 For he saith to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.

9:16 So then it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy.

9:17 For the scripture saith unto Pharaoh, Even for this same purpose have I raised thee up, that I might shew my power in thee, and that my name might be declared throughout all the earth.

9:18 Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth.

9:19 Thou wilt say then unto me, Why doth he yet find fault? For who hath resisted his will?

9:20 Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?

9:21 Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?

9:22 What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction:

-God makes some people so they can go to heaven and some people so he can punish them and send them to hell. And for those of us created solely for the purpose of demonstrating his wrath on to speak out and question God as to why he made us in the first place would be silly. For we are just toys and God is the toymaker. He can do whatever he wants with us.



More blah blah, just picture any modern preacher and you'll get the gist of Romans. You can be saved through Christ, be good, repent, be baptized, and live your life according to the words of the gospels.



Paul spends the rest of Romans preaching love for nonbelievers, peace, helping others, and doing good for God. Which is all quaint. Then he uses the last chapter to give a shout out to all his friends of the church, "Salute Urbane, our helper in Christ... etc" and then completely contradicts his love for nonbelievers bit.

16:17 Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.

16:18 For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.

-Like someone who greets the new kid in school with a warm welcome, then later turns to his friends and goes, "What a douche, let's stay away from that kid."

Paul's Epistle to the "Church of God which is at Corinth."



1:4 I thank my God always on your behalf, for the grace of God which is given you by Jesus Christ;

-Again, starting off kind of presumptuous. "Don't worry, I thank God on your behalf. No need to thank me."



1:19 For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.

1:21 For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe.

-Wisdom is bad because you won't find God with your wisdom, but rather through the foolishness of preaching will you understand.



1:26 For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:

1:27 But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;

2:1 And I, brethren, when I came to you, came not with excellency of speech or of wisdom, declaring unto you the testimony of God.

2:2 For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.

-More praising of the virtue of stupidity. The only thing that's worth knowing is Jesus.



Paul claims that the people of the church at Corinth are fornicators and should:

5:5 To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.

5:9 I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators:

5:10 Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world.

5:13 But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.

-In true Christian fashion, if your friends and family have problems and aren't perfect Christians like yourself, you should remove them from your life. No reason to risk upsetting Christ by associating with these miscreants.



6:15 Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.

6:16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

6:17 But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.

6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

-I like the "What?" part. You can almost picture the incredulous audience response when he tells people to be abstinent. Christians aren't too fond of sex, leading me to believe that all Christians are incapable of pleasing another human being.



7:1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

-I lol'ed. In order to keep us from fornicating, we should get married. Sounds about right.







7:7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

7:8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.

7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

-Given the two evils of marriage and hell, it's better to marry than to burn. Seriously, what do Christians have against sex? It doesn't hurt anybody and it's a source of happiness and pleasure... oh wait, I guess that's what bothers them. Christianity isn't the biggest fan of non-violence and pleasure. They're much bigger fans of sacrifice and suffering.



7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

-This is the 2nd or 3rd mention that as long as one person in the family believes, then the whole family is saved. That's gotta piss Christians off something awful to know that my godless, blaspheming ass is still going to heaven because of my relatives.



7:18 Is any man called being circumcised? let him not become uncircumcised. Is any called in uncircumcision? let him not be circumcised.

7:19 Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but the keeping of the commandments of God.

-First, I don't know how I'd go about becoming "uncircumcised." Would I have to buy a foreskin and sew it on? And second, Paul clearly states that circumcision is meaningless now, so why does it still take place outside of Jewish denominations?



7:21 Art thou called being a servant? care not for it: but if thou mayest be made free, use it rather.

7:22 For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is Christ's servant.

-Sounds to me like God's apathy toward slavery is finally explained. It doesn't matter if you're a slave to men or a free man... because we are all slaves to God. Now get God another sandwich before he beats you with a rod.







7:25 Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful.

7:26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be.

7:27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.

-Paul emphasizes many times throughout this book that these aren't direct commandments from God, but rather just Paul's hunches. I guess it's good to be a virgin and if you happen to be single, stay single. But if you're already married, might as well stay married. Which of course contradicts the previous verse about not burning.



7:29 But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none;

-The reason for all this "it doesn't really matter" attitude is because God is coming any day now, so what's the point? Says the man who lived 2000 years ago. Also another mention that we won't be with our spouses in heaven.



7:32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:

7:33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.

-Would you make up your mind, Paul? Is marriage good or not? If these are the passages used to make the "leaders of the church cannot get married" rule, then why is there so much emphasis on the anti-adultery commandments in the Old and New Testaments?



7:36 But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry.

7:37 Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well.

7:38 So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.

-Ok, so it's fine to get married, it's just not as good as staying single.



7:40 But she is happier if she so abide, after my judgment: and I think also that I have the Spirit of God.

-But none of this really matters, because once again, it's just Paul's opinion.



8:1 Now as touching things offered unto idols, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth.

8:2 And if any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know.

-Knowledge makes you prideful, which is bad in the Christian world. Then a quote straight from Socrates.



A few chapters dedicated to whether or not we should eat the meat offered to idol gods. Which, of course, has zero application to modern society. Divine foresight at its best.



9:16 For though I preach the gospel, I have nothing to glory of: for necessity is laid upon me; yea, woe is unto me, if I preach not the gospel!

9:17 For if I do this thing willingly, I have a reward: but if against my will, a dispensation of the gospel is committed unto me.

9:19 For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more.

9:20 And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law;

9:21 To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law.

9:22 To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.

-Paul claims that he preaches the gospel, not because he wants to, but because is forced to. And that to convert as many people as possible, he will pretend to be one of them while preaching. Like an "atheist" who joins our forum with ulterior motives , all under the pretense of a flatulent feline.



10:7 Neither be ye idolaters, as were some of them; as it is written, The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.

-Don't sit down to eat... then rise up and play? Don't swim for at least 30 minutes after eating? You lost me.



11:1 Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.

11:2 Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you.

-Paul seems more interested in people following him as Paulians than following Christ. Paul is doing the exact same thing as Jesus did, only claiming that he is speaking for Jesus, whereas Jesus spoke for God.







11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

-Paul gives us the Christian hierarchy of gender importance. Women are less than men, who are less than Christ, who is less than God. Sexism still thriving several books into the NT.



11:6 For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.

11:7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.

11:8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man.

11:9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.

-If a woman dares to pray without covering her head, she should be shaved. A man doesn't have to cover his head because he is the image of God, where women are just lowly creatures made from men. Why do women chose to follow this shit?



11:27 Wherefore whosoever shall eat this bread, and drink this cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord.

11:28 But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.

11:29 For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord's body.

11:30 For this cause many are weak and sickly among you, and many sleep.

-If you eat the Christ wafers and drink the Jesus wine at church and you are unworthy, then you will get sick and damn yourself to hell.



13:4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

13:5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

13:6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

13:7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

-Replace "charity" with "love" and wham bam, you've got one of the many overused 1st Corinthians passages for wedding ceremonies.



An entire chapter dedicated to the importance of speaking in tongues. Because if you speak in a language that men don't understand, then only God can understand you.

14:18 I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than ye all:

-And not to brag, but I speak in tongues more than anybody.

14:22 Wherefore tongues are for a sign, not to them that believe, but to them that believe not: but prophesying serveth not for them that believe not, but for them which believe.

14:23 If therefore the whole church be come together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in those that are unlearned, or unbelievers, will they not say that ye are mad?

14:27 If any man speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and that by course; and let one interpret.

14:28 But if there be no interpreter, let him keep silence in the church; and let him speak to himself, and to God.

-Lot of rules for speaking in tongues. We don't want to scare off unbelievers with our madness, so let some of us interpret what those speaking in tongues are saying... because we obviously understand each others' babble-speak.



14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.

14:35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

-WOWZA. No dancing around it, eh? Women, shut up and be obedient while at church, and if you have any questions, wait until you get home then ask your husband. (Since men understand everything and women are perpetually confused and slow to learn.)

-Other versions have changed "obedience" to "submissive" ...which just sounds worse to me.



15:3 For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures;

15:4 And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:

-Where in the scriptures? The best part about living in an illiterate time is that you can say things like this and people just believe you. Unfortunately, we in the modern age have mastered the art of reading (except in the south).



15:6 After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep.

-What? None of the gospels mention that anyone outside the apostles witnessed the resurrected Jesus. But Acts claims that 120 people saw him, and now Paul is claiming that 500 people saw him. Strange how the number keeps going up as the years pass.



15:7 After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles.

15:8 And last of all he was seen of me also, as of one born out of due time.

15:9 For I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.

-I am JUST NOW realizing that Paul is actually Saul, the persecutor of Christians who was blinded for 3 days by God. I had to google it to make sure. I'm sorry if you all knew this already, but there's no transition, Saul just becomes Paul the disciple and starts preaching to people.







15:12 Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead?

15:13 But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen:

15:14 And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain.

-Paul continues on this path of logic for a while, going "And if Christ never rose from the dead then we are all bleeped for believing in false gods, etc" and you kind of wait for him to drop that "this is the reason why we're not in fact bleeped" bombshell but he just concludes with:

15:20 But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept.

-If Christ didn't rise from the dead then we are screwed, but it's okay, because Christ rose from the dead.



Paul closes out his heartfelt letter to Corinth with a promise of damnation to unbelievers and sends his love through Christ.

1:1 Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God, and Timothy our brother, unto the church of God which is at Corinth, with all the saints which are in all Achaia:

-Paul doesn't so much as get a Like on his Facebook post to the good people at Corinth, so he collaborates with his church buddy Timothy and they release a remix, much in the way Eminem goes to Dr Dre to freshen up his beats.



Paulothy starts off by praising God for half a page, then starts speaking in lyrical riddles.

1:17 When I therefore was thus minded, did I use lightness? or the things that I purpose, do I purpose according to the flesh, that with me there should be yea yea, and nay nay?

1:18 But as God is true, our word toward you was not yea and nay.

-Already, the Corinthians are considering burning the letters like they burnt the last ones.



2:1 But I determined this with myself, that I would not come again to you in heaviness.

2:2 For if I make you sorry, who is he then that maketh me glad, but the same which is made sorry by me?

2:3 And I wrote this same unto you, lest, when I came, I should have sorrow from them of whom I ought to rejoice; having confidence in you all, that my joy is the joy of you all.

-Paulothy then explains why he hasn't stopped by Corinth in language so confusing it might as well be pig latin hieroglyphs.



3:6 Who also hath made us able ministers of the new testament; not of the letter, but of the spirit: for the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life.

-This is a very "eyebrow raising" sentence for me. He's saying that people like him are very good at preaching the "good Christian feeling" but he's more or less illiterate when it comes to the book itself. Don't focus on what the Bible says, focus on the goodness that Christianity preaches. I've heard similar things before, when I quote one of the many immoral scripture passages. The Bible isn't there to dwell on and pour over word for word, it's there as a starter kit to get the "do-good spirit" in you.



3:13 And not as Moses, which put a veil over his face, that the children of Israel could not stedfastly look to the end of that which is abolished:

3:14 But their minds were blinded: for until this day remaineth the same veil untaken away in the reading of the old testament; which veil is done away in Christ.

3:15 But even unto this day, when Moses is read, the veil is upon their heart.

3:16 Nevertheless when it shall turn to the Lord, the veil shall be taken away.

-He continues his condemnation of Bible readers by claiming that the Jews and those who follow the Old Testament, even Moses himself, didn't really understand the will of God because they didn't know or understand everything that Jesus stood for. They only saw half the puzzle completed. So to read and follow JUST the OT is to have a veil over your heart and mind. Not until you accept the New Testament and the teachings of Jesus will you see things clearly.

This is analogous to being a rookie basketball player and claiming that Michael Jordan was an average player and didn't really know what he was doing. You don't belittle the people who made your obsession what it is today just to make yourself look better.



5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight:

-This is one of the dumbest suggestions ever written. This is the shorter, more bumper-stickery way of saying "I know this belief goes against all logic, observable evidence, and rational thought available to me, but I am afforded the choice to believe in pure nonsense because my belief system is based on faith, or the complete absence of evidence or logic."







6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

6:15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?

6:17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.

-So by subscribing to the believe that a zombie rose from the dead and teleported up to space to live with his dad/self magician overlord to relieve humans of an invisible affliction given to us by a talking snake thousands of years ago, Christians rightfully consider themselves the light, the clean, the pure, and the chosen ones. And everyone else who doubts this are unclean, the darkness, infidels, and unworthy of a Christian's company or friendship. Must get lonely up on that self-righteous pedestal.



Paul congratulates all Christians on being so awesome by preaching the word of the Lord. After they're done patting themselves on the back, Paul jumps into his next segment of his letter. He expresses his joy in hearing how pissed and depressed the Corinthians were made by his first letter. He claims that this proves that they yearn for divine repentance, that they were bothered by his scorning because they want to be right in God's eyes.



8:9 For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that ye through his poverty might be rich.

-This doesn't make any sense at all. Jesus was never rich. And he certainly didn't choose to become poor or desire to see his followers wealthy; he constantly preached the exact opposite of that actually. And if meant to be a metaphor, like rich in spirit, it still doesn't make sense, because Jesus was never considered poor in anything character-wise, or else he would have seemed less godly, and we wouldn't want that.



There's also plenty of mentions of a person called Titus in this book. But apparently that's a story all its own.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Titus



9:1 For as touching the ministering to the saints, it is superfluous for me to write to you:

-"It's unnecessary and redundant for me to write to you Corinthians" says Paul as he writes to the Corinthians.



10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

10:6 And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.

-Down with imagination and any thought, idea, or belief that goes against God. A Christian's mind is a prisoner and his every thought bound and captive to the obedience of Jesus. No philosophers or free thinkers allowed.



11:1 Would to God ye could bear with me a little in my folly: and indeed bear with me.

11:2 For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.

-Bear with me a second because I really don't know what I'm talking about. Seriously, bear with me while I struggle to make this up on the spot. I'm gonna deliver you to Christ like I'm delivering virgins to their new husbands. I'm jealous that you're all gonna get bleeped by Christ. He's gonna deflower you and I wish it was me. But I've been a LovePeddler to other religions all my life, so it's not gonna be as special.



11:4 For if he that cometh preacheth another Jesus, whom we have not preached, or if ye receive another spirit, which ye have not received, or another gospel, which ye have not accepted, ye might well bear with him.

11:13 For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ.

11:14 And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.

11:15 Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works.

-The brilliant failsafe built into Christianity shows itself again. If someone comes along claiming the exact same things I'm claiming with the same messiah story and spirits and gospels... it's the work of Satan. Even if the prophets of such a religion claim to be righteous just like I'm claiming... it's Satan in disguise. Trust me when I say 2 + 2 = 4... except just this one time it equals 3. Oh, and Satan can transform into an angel of light.







Paul lists all the times he was persecuted and beaten and mocked and then praises these acts because:

12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

-I enjoy being beaten for God.



Paul then promises to visit Corinth soon... while also claiming that they really don't want him to visit because he won't take it easy on the sinners. He also expresses some hesitation to visit because:

12:20 For I fear, lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I would, and that I shall be found unto you such as ye would not: lest there be debates, envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, swellings, tumults:

12:21 And lest, when I come again, my God will humble me among you, and that I shall bewail many which have sinned already, and have not repented of the uncleanness and fornication and lasciviousness which they have committed.

-He thinks that if he visits, the holy image he has of them in his mind will be ruined by all the debating and fighting and fornicating that surely goes on there.

Paul expands his spam mail to the people of Galatia



1:9 As we said before, so say I now again, if any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed.

-Paul copy and pasted his letters to the Corinthians and sent them to the Galatians. He didn't think that people would round up his letters and put them side by side in a book.



2:16 Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified.

-This sounds very quote friendly, so I'll post it in case a future Christian quotes it. The NT is very dismissive of the OT laws and emphasizes faith alone. Doesn't matter what you do, your faith is all that matters. Sounds to me like the lazy man's version of Judaism. I don't want to do all this stuff that's commanded of me, so telepathy will suffice. Now I don't even have to stop watching America's Got Talent, I can just pray during the commercials.

2:21 I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.

-And the reason for all this emphasis on faith, is that if we are just good OT law followers, then Jesus died for no reason. So all this comes not from any established creed or logic based reasoning, but out of sympathy for a crucified man's beliefs. Christianity is a post-mortem grief suppression party that everyone else allowed to persist for entirely too long.



2:17 But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is therefore Christ the minister of sin? God forbid.

-Child molesting priests immediately come to mind. Does Jesus advocate pedophilia through the actions of his disciples? "God forbid" is sort of a cop out.



3:10 For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse: for it is written, Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them.

3:11 But that no man is justified by the law in the sight of God, it is evident: for, The just shall live by faith.

-It is written that anyone who doesn't follow the OT laws are cursed, but Paul claims that those who follow the laws are also cursed since it is clearly EVIDENT that God needs more than just law-followers. Keep in mind, this is all just Paul making assumptions here. And Paul is hardly one of God's favorite people. He used to be one of the biggest Christian persecutors until God blinded him and forced him to do his bidding. So it's safe to say the man may have some animosity hidden away. Perhaps he's saying all this to purposely lead Jews astray.



3:13 Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us: for it is written, Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree:

-We aren't cursed if we don't follow the law, because Jesus was the curse for us. How do we know this? Because it was written that everyone who hangs on a tree is cursed... and Jesus... hung on a cross... which is made of wood. This is some serious guessing going on here.






3:19 Wherefore then serveth the law? It was added because of transgressions, till the seed should come to whom the promise was made; and it was ordained by angels in the hand of a mediator.

3:20 Now a mediator is not a mediator of one, but God is one.

3:21 Is the law then against the promises of God? God forbid: for if there had been a law given which could have given life, verily righteousness should have been by the law.

3:22 But the scripture hath concluded all under sin, that the promise by faith of Jesus Christ might be given to them that believe.

3:23 But before faith came, we were kept under the law, shut up unto the faith which should afterwards be revealed.

3:24 Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring us unto Christ, that we might be justified by faith.

3:25 But after that faith is come, we are no longer under a schoolmaster.

-A whole lot of trying to justify the dismissing of the OT laws. There are no angels dictating this speech. God hasn't spoken up once with his heavenly booming voice. This is just Paul, a guy pretending to know what he's talking about.



5:2 Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing

5:3 For I testify again to every man that is circumcised, that he is a debtor to do the whole law.

5:4 Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.

5:6 For in Jesus Christ neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision; but faith which worketh by love.

-Now Paul condemns circumcision, saying that those who are already circumcised don't get any special treatment... in fact Jesus dislikes you, because you have signed the agreement to follow the OT law with your dick skin and as we are quickly learning, Christ hates law-followers compared to faith-lovers.



5:18 But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.

5:19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,

5:20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,

5:21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

-Things that sins of the flesh and therefore, unhealthy to the spirit: sex, sex, and dirty sex. Also witchcraft (goes without saying), hatred in general (so natural human emotions are evil?), things that differ (?), jealousy, conquest, rebellion, and envious drunken murderers.



5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

5:23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

-Meanwhile, things that make the spirit thrive include: love, joy, peace, suffering (?), being good and submissive. Seems kind of cheap to just list off things that are globally accepted as "good or desired concepts" such as love and peace and then claim that "that's the side we're on." A delicious peanut butter sandwich, a hot stone massage, a giggling baby... these are just some of the things that Christianity embraces, so why not join our club? Don't become an atheist, they enjoy things such as being a few cents short of exact change and cell phone calls during movies.

Paul continues forwarding annoying postcards to random people. This time it's to the good people at Ephesus.



The epistles to the Ephesians were supposedly written by Paul during one of his many prison sentences, however, pretty much every scholar agrees that it was authored by someone pretending to be Paul years after his death.



2:2 Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience:

-Satan is the "prince of the power of the air." Until modern times Christians believed that Satan was responsible for storms and droughts. (See The Warfare of Science With Theology, Chapter 11 by Andrew Dickson White) (SAB)



2:8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

2:9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

-A reaffirming of the "faith, not deeds" position that Paul has taken up. It seems kind of stupid that a fundamentalist who kills hundreds of innocents in a suicide bomb is worthy of heaven, but someone who doesn't really subscribe to the whole god thing, but rather spends his whole life doing good deeds and helping people goes straight to hell.



2:12 That at that time ye were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world:

2:13 But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ.

-Break em down, then build them up.

For we all know you were lost, hopeless souls doomed to damnation before Jesus.

"Oh no, I didn't know that! Did you hear that everyone? Apparently, we're lost and doomed!"

But it's ok, because your doomed status which I just now gave you has been wiped clean by the man I'm trying to convince you to believe in, Jesus.

"Yes! We're now saved! Let's all start believing in this Jesus character, lest we be hopeless again! Better safe than sorry!"



2:15 Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace;

-The ten commandments are null and void now, as are all laws that God mentioned in the OT. In this manner, Jews can now become Christians, because that was the will of Jesus.



3:1 For this cause I Paul, the prisoner of Jesus Christ for you Gentiles,

-I don't do these things willingly. Submission for Christ. For fans of bondage.



3:14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

3:15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,

3:16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;

3:21 Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end.

-If I were to describe to you a man who required you to kneel, to submit to his greatness, and in return he'll reward you with glory and riches... what would you think? Personally, I would picture Xerxes or any other narcissistic ruler on a power trip and assume that person is a douchebag.







3:17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,

3:19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

-You can use the word "love" as much as you want, it still doesn't apply. What did Jesus do? Over the span of a few years, he fed 4 thousand people and cured the sick and blind that he happened to come in contact with. He didn't feed the world, or remove blindness as an earthly affliction altogether. Where does he earn this title of "Ultimate Symbol of Love?"



4:9 Now that he ascended, what is it but that he also descended first into the lower parts of the earth?

-This is terrible grammar, but it sounds like it's talking about how Jesus first went to hell before he ascended to heaven. The problem is that it claims that hell is in "the lower parts of the earth," which speaks to the ignorance of the time period.



A few lines telling people to not steal, covet, or lie, and that anyone who does these things will receive the wrath of God, therefore:

5:7 Be not ye therefore partakers with them.

-Completely exclude them from your lives. Ah, Christianity. Trying to save the souls of sinners by completely ostracizing them for 2000 years.







5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

-Another pro-women's rights slogan. Women, subject yourself to your husbands because you are worth less than them. Obey and fear him. Then get back in the kitchen and fix dinner like a good little trophy wife.



6:5 Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ;

6:8 Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.

-Slaves, obey your masters and be fearful of them, because it nothing matters on earth. In heaven, we're all God's bitches and he's our love-vendor.



Paul concludes like a skilled snake oil vendor, as with all his letters. Not-Jesus is a disease... but lucky for you I happen to be selling Jesus. How bout that? I am the informer of an invisible, symptomless sickness and also a purveyor of the cure.