Another letter from Paul to a random group of people. Should be enthralling.



This letter has the same tone and message of all the other ones, which is it has sort of a cult vibe. Like a leader handing out cups of special Kool-Aid to his followers, going "the glorious day of ascension is upon us." Paul praises Jesus and advises everyone to rejoice and maintain their goodness because Jesus is coming back any day now. ("The Lord is at hand." Then he shows his masochist nature again:

1:29 For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake;

-It is your duty as Christians to suffer and be persecuted... preferable while pinching your nipples and asking for more.



2:9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name:

2:10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth;

2:11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

2:12 Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

-Kneeling, worshiping, giving praise to their ruler, fear, trembling, submission. I'm guessing individualism, pride, and self-respect aren't respected values in Christianity. After all, pride cometh before the fall.



3:3 For we are the circumcision, which worship God in the spirit, and rejoice in Christ Jesus, and have no confidence in the flesh.

3:21 Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself.

-No confidence in the flesh... change our vile body. Paul, and consequently Christians, seem to despise themselves. Self-loathing... hatred of this life while looking forward to the afterlife. Seems to be pretty obvious why this religion appeals to the fat, the stupid, and the poor. Self-improvement would take effort, so let's focus instead of the glory of the life AFTER this one.

Likewise, alcoholism isn't a chemical addiction requiring will power and disciple to quit, it's a disease that we are helpless against. (Alcoholics Anonymous is a religious program for those unfamiliar with the reference)

Christianity: the easy approach to life's difficult problems

Letters, letters, and more letters. I'm already bored and hoping Paul's epistles don't make up the entirety of the New Testament. I'm sure this seems magical to believers because the letters are ancient, so they have an aura of divine authority to them, but picture a modern day version of the same thing. An email from Brent to the Russians. Evangelical tripe, how magical.

This is also another one of those letters that is believed to have been actually written later by a follower claiming to be Paul.



1:14 In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:

-Christians love the blood of Jesus. In a gross, cannibal cultist manner. There are all kinds of Christian songs with lyrics like, "I am showered in his blood" and "are you washed in the blood of the lamb?"



1:15 Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature:

-God made us in his image... his invisible, featureless image.



1:16 For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him:

-Another way of stating the previous passages about ALL things being created by God. Evil, hatred, suffering, sin, disease, disaster, hunger, malice... all things, places, and ideas were created by God.



1:24 Who now rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in my flesh for his body's sake, which is the church:

-Jesus didn't quite suffer enough, so Paul claims to suffer for all the leftover suffering that needs to be done. 20 bucks says Paul owns a pair of leather pants and a ball gag.



2:3 In (Christ) are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

-I've never stopped to consider this. Jesus is always attributed with being the pinnacle of goodness and love. But never have I heard anyone try and argue that Jesus was the smartest man ever. Not just a smart man, he would have to know everything about everything. And yet "smart" is not a word I would use to classify Jesus of Nazareth. The wisest thing he said was to love your neighbor... and that's just well-wishing. You could hardly call that intellectual. He left us with no mathematical formulas or medicinal cures or perfect political ideologies. He just spit in the eyes of a few blind folk and left.



2:8 Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.

-Philo Sophy, love of wisdom. No wonder it's frowned upon. After all, the smartest sheep may wonder off the path to the slaughterhouse.



2:16 Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holyday, or of the new moon, or of the sabbath days:

-After dismissing circumcision and OT laws for the 107th time, Paul dismissed the need to observe the Sabbath. Saint Paul; throwing out all the rules with absolutely no acknowledgment or approval from God.



3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

3:22 Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God

-Business as usual.



4:16 And when this epistle is read among you, cause that it be read also in the church of the Laodiceans; and that ye likewise read the epistle from Laodicea.

-Lost epistles of the Holy Handbook.

Hello Thessoalonians! I am Paul, blessed art thou for being Christians! Let's talk about our cool club and how cool we are and condemn those who aren't members.

-The same tone and message of the other epistles. Paul pretty much mass produced these letters and changed around some of the names and details for each city. Which is what makes these so boring.



2:10 Ye are witnesses, and God also, how holily and justly and unblameably we behaved ourselves among you that believe:

-Clearly we Christians are flawless and shining examples of divine behavior.



2:14 For ye, brethren, became followers of the churches of God which in Judaea are in Christ Jesus: for ye also have suffered like things of your own countrymen, even as they have of the Jews:

2:15 Who both killed the Lord Jesus, and their own prophets, and have persecuted us; and they please not God, and are contrary to all men:

2:16 Forbidding us to speak to the Gentiles that they might be saved, to fill up their sins alway: for the wrath is come upon them to the uttermost.

-If you want to overthrow the leading religion, you've got to demonize the competition. Just like politics, "did you know that our opponent supports the spread of super AIDS?" Basically, the early Christians were like modern day Palestinians. The people of Israel are bloodthirsty sadists who delight in the murder of innocents.



2:18 Wherefore we would have come unto you, even I Paul, once and again; but Satan hindered us.

-This is probably around the time of origin that Christians began to use the term "Satan" to attribute blame and cop-out their own shortcomings and laziness to a ultimate scapegoat. I didn't forget to pick up my child from school... Satan clouded my mind and confused me.



4:2 For ye know what commandments we gave you by the Lord Jesus.

4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:

4:4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;

-Why? What is the deal with Christians and sex? Why would God give us the genital/endorphin trigger combination if he was against it? That's like raising a child on nothing but meth, then when he's 16 put him in a room filled with meth and go, "If you touch any of this, I'll shoot you." The reference to "his vessel" makes me raise an eyebrow as well.



4:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

4:17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

-This would sound just as retarded even if it were a scene from a science fiction book. Jesus will come flying out of the sky with a mighty shout (YAAARRRRRGH!) and a trumpet. Then the Christian zombies will climb out of their graves (let's hope none of them were cremated). Then all the living Christians will apparently jump super high and high five Jesus in midair and then they'll all just float away to cloud city.



5:2 For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night.

5:3 For when they shall say, Peace and safety; then sudden destruction cometh upon them, as travail upon a woman with child; and they shall not escape.

5:4 But ye, brethren, are not in darkness, that that day should overtake you as a thief.

5:5 Ye are all the children of light, and the children of the day: we are not of the night, nor of darkness.

-Only with the Christian mindset can you pat yourself on the back and claim to be better than everyone else... because you expect zombies to float up to the sky any day now.



Paul then closes once again by telling everyone to be ready for the day of rapture. I'm still getting that cultist vibe with every letter. Is everyone wear their "robe of ascension" and tinfoil hats? Good. Here's your Kool-Aid of Righteousness, the holy moment will be any day now. What was that? Sorry, I thought I heard angels blowing trumpets.

1:7 And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,

1:8 In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:

1:9 Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power;

-"Taking vengeance on them that know not God." So simply not being informed or born in a society that practices Christianity brands you as being deserving of eternal fiery vengeance. The fact that you happen to be born into a Muslim culture through the random roll of life's dice (I don't like the plural "die", you should burn for eternity.



1:11 Wherefore also we pray always for you, that our God would count you worthy of this calling, and fulfil all the good pleasure of his goodness, and the work of faith with power:

-"We pray for you" and "our God." Christians get off on being better than everyone. They are the enlightened ones, God's chosen people, and you are all poor filth, who deserve pity for being so foolish and blind.



2:2 That ye be not soon shaken in mind, or be troubled, neither by spirit, nor by word, nor by letter as from us, as that the day of Christ is at hand.

2:3 Let no man deceive you by any means: for that day shall not come, except there come a falling away first, and that man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition;

2:5 Remember ye not, that, when I was yet with you, I told you these things?

2:6 And now ye know what withholdeth that he might be revealed in his time.

2:7 For the mystery of iniquity doth already work: only he who now letteth will let, until he be taken out of the way.

2:8 And then shall that Wicked be revealed, whom the Lord shall consume with the spirit of his mouth, and shall destroy with the brightness of his coming:

2:9 Even him, whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders,

-Paul completely flips his shit here. He completely reverses everything he previously said about when Jesus would come back, leading many scholars to doubt the authenticity of this epistle. It is believed that this was written after Paul's death to divert and cover up the fact that Jesus didn't return before this generation had passed.

Now, instead of "any day now," this "Paul" says there will first be a great Wicked revealed then destroyed and Satan will demonstrate his power. This "man of sin" mentioned in 2:3 has since been generally accepted in religious circles to be the Antichrist, which is why Christians keep trying to label every malevolent person as such... so that they can convince themselves that the prophecy is finally fulfilled, so Jesus should be coming any day now.



2:10 And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved.

2:11 And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:

2:12 That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.

2:13 But we are bound to give thanks alway to God for you, brethren beloved of the Lord, because God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation through sanctification of the Spirit and belief of the truth:

-God will personally lead us astray so that there's no chance for us to be saved. After all, those who are to receive salvation were "chosen from the beginning." So as an atheist, allow me to say, "Thanks God, for creating me with the sole purpose of burning me for eternity. Real loving of you, dick."



3:6 Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us.

3:14 And if any man obey not our word by this epistle, note that man, and have no company with him, that he may be ashamed.

-Ah, Christianity. The Cult of Exclusion.



3:16 Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord be with you all.

-Yes, the Lord of peace. Who will soon return to peacefully smite all nonbelievers with a fiery sword of peace as we roast in eternal agony of blood and tears and peace. The same God who peacefully murdered 20 million innocent women and children in his peaceful and loving genocides of the Old Testament. This religion is so fucking stupid and hypocritical, my head may explode.

1:1 Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ by the commandment of God our Saviour, and Lord Jesus Christ, which is our hope;

1:2 Unto Timothy, my own son in the faith: Grace, mercy, and peace, from God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord.

-Another letter from "Paul" who has apparently taken up introducing himself in 3rd person. Needless to say, the authenticity of the letters to Timothy are, like the others, viewed as questionable by scholars.



1:12 And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who hath enabled me, for that he counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry;

1:13 Who was before a blasphemer, and a persecutor, and injurious: but I obtained mercy, because I did it ignorantly in unbelief.

-Paul trying to explain what still bothers me. People don't seem to realize that 80% of the book that created Christianity was written by a sinner that spoke openly against God and was made blind for his blaspheming. Jesus only hung out with and appeared in post-crucified form to his select group of men... and Paul was not worthy to be in that group. So we're now supposed to believe everything he says because he apparently changed his ways after Jesus was already gone? At no point in the Bible does a godly figure show approval for Paul/Saul or give him the go-ahead to start speaking for him. But I guess it's all to "show sinners how they too can be saved."



2:8 I will therefore that men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.

-Paul continues to teach the exact opposite of Jesus, who preached in Matthew to pray in solitude to avoid becoming a hypocrite.



2:9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;

2:11 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.

2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

-Women with braided hair, gold, or pearls are whores. And once again, shut up and get back in the kitchen. The Bible; truly the objective moral standard for women's rights.







4:1 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils;

4:3 Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth.

-Apparently vegetarianism is evil, since now Paul claims that not eating meat is a rejection of God's gifts to man. And also, refusing marriage is now evil adding yet another contradiction of Jesus to the list.



4:8 For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come.

-Well Bleep. I've been wasting my time with all these trips to the gym. Another example of the "this life is meaningless, the afterlife is all that is important" mindset of Christians. And a little foresight into why there are so many fat, malnutritioned religious southerners.



6:1 Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed.

6:2 And they that have believing masters, let them not despise them, because they are brethren; but rather do them service, because they are faithful and beloved, partakers of the benefit. These things teach and exhort.

6:3 If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness;

6:4 He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings,

-All slaves should honor their masters, especially if their masters are Christians. And anyone who isn't a Christian is a slowpoke, full of pride and evil.



6:7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.

6:9 But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.

6:10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

-Preaches the minister with the multi-million dollar house.







6:20 O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called:

-Anything contradicting the Bible, such as science, should be dismissed. Blindly keep the faith, Tim.
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If I handed 1st Timothy to someone with a different dialect and told them to rewrite it using their own words, he would produce 2nd Timothy. It's the same thing as the 1st. Perhaps they thought they had lost the first epistle so they tried to rewrite it from scratch a few years later.



2:19 Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, The Lord knoweth them that are his. And, Let every one that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity.

-This verse was used by the Catholic Church during the inquisition to justify killing those suspected of heresy. ("Kill them all, for `the Lord knows them that are His'." (SAB)



In both books of Timothy, Paul talks of the last days of mankind, where sin will be abundant in those perilous times. In 1st Timothy, one type of sinner is "them that defile themselves with mankind" and in 2nd Timothy, the sinners are "without natural affection." Fundamentalists use these verses as condemnation of homosexuality from the New Testament.

Oh wait, that's TITUS... not... what I was thinking of. Anyways, it's yet another boring letter from "Paul" to some dude.



1:1 Paul, a servant of God, and an apostle of Jesus Christ, according to the faith of God's elect, and the acknowledging of the truth which is after godliness;

1:2 In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began;

-Paul's intros appear to be getting more grandiose with each new letter. And God cannot lie? Now you're just speaking gibberish. An all powerful God can do whatever he wants. God could very easily be lying to all of us about this heaven place to get us to do what he wants.



1:10 For there are many unruly and vain talkers and deceivers, specially they of the circumcision:

1:11 Whose mouths must be stopped, who subvert whole houses, teaching things which they ought not, for filthy lucre's sake.

-This "Paul" seems to despise Jews and says they must be stopped from teaching. How quaint.



1:14 Not giving heed to Jewish fables, and commandments of men, that turn from the truth.

1:16 They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.

-Pay no attention to "Jewish fables?" Like the Old Testament? Jews are liars and frauds.







2:4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,


-Teach women to love their husbands and children? Oh good! Now we're getting somewh...

2:5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

-...oh. Well we almost had a nice teaching. Be a submissive housewife, so that you don't embarrass God.



2:9 Exhort servants to be obedient unto their own masters, and to please them well in all things; not answering again;

2:10 Not purloining, but shewing all good fidelity; that they may adorn the doctrine of God our Saviour in all things.

-Yet another NT commandment condoning slavery. Jesus may not have mentioned anything, but his followers certainly did.



3:2 To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men.

3:3 For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another.

3:4 But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared,

-Once again, you ALMOST said something nice, Paul. If you hadn't thrown in that condescending "be nice to everyone because we Christians were also once lying, sinning, hateful bastards like they were until Christ saved us" part.



The end.

-Why did the facilitators of the New Testament (I assume the Council of Nicea) decide that all these epistles were important enough to be included in the Bible? They are boring, tedious, and teach us nothing. Who really cares what Paul instructed his fellow preachers to do? None of these letters involve Jesus. They are some dude giving pep talks to other dudes. What's the point? Is it filler material? Did they realize that only putting in the gospels and Revelations would be the size of a pamphlet, which isn't impressive enough?

Ah, Philemon. One chapter long and completely worthless.



1 Paul, a prisoner of Jesus Christ, and Timothy our brother, unto Philemon our dearly beloved, and fellow labourer,

-Paul now considers himself a "prisoner of Jesus Christ?" Doesn't sound too loving.



4 I thank my God, making mention of thee always in my prayers,

-You mention your God... in your prayer to your God? Dear God, good job today God. I really liked those cookies you brought to the bake sale. They were heavenly.



7 For we have great joy and consolation in thy love, because the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother.

-Bowels... refreshed. So he regularly feeds them a load of shit?



Paul spends the rest of the chapter on the sole purpose of the letter; Paul returning his slave back to Philemon, his "rightful owner."



20 Yea, brother, let me have joy of thee in the Lord: refresh my bowels in the Lord.

-Amen.

A letter to the entire Jewish population? This one is of "unknown authorship." It's also one of those annoyingly verbose types of books. Pages of words without making a single point.

For example:

2:7 Thou madest him a little lower than the angels; thou crownedst him with glory and honour, and didst set him over the works of thy hands:

2:8 Thou hast put all things in subjection under his feet. For in that he put all in subjection under him, he left nothing that is not put under him. But now we see not yet all things put under him.

-Did anyone get any of that? That's how the whole book is written. He openeth the box of Captain Crunch, being that He hath opened it with His appointed glory, under which there remains no other to openeth thine box of Captain Crunch, with or without thine crunch berries. Amen.



2:10 For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons unto glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings.

-Seriously... what?







3:3 For this man was counted worthy of more glory than Moses, inasmuch as he who hath builded the house hath more honour than the house.

-Our prophet is better than your prophet. Moses just gathered some corn, Jesus was the one who made that fantastic cornbread.



3:16 For some, when they had heard, did provoke: howbeit not all that came out of Egypt by Moses.

3:17 But with whom was he grieved forty years? was it not with them that had sinned, whose carcases fell in the wilderness?

3:18 And to whom sware he that they should not enter into his rest, but to them that believed not?

3:19 So we see that they could not enter in because of unbelief.

-So now all those faithful followers of Moses who followed him into the desert for 40 years and died... were clearly sinners who God had rejected. First you mock Moses, now you say his followers are burning in hell. Take that, Jews.



4:2 For unto us was the gospel preached, as well as unto them: but the word preached did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in them that heard it.

-Both groups have heard the gospel, but it went to waste on the Jews' deaf ears and lack of faith. That's it, keep poking at the wound.



6:4 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost,

6:5 And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come,

6:6 If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.

-Christians who fall from grace can't be saved, because they have shamed Jesus. So much for repenting.



8:6 But now hath he obtained a more excellent ministry, by how much also he is the mediator of a better covenant, which was established upon better promises.

8:7 For if that first covenant had been faultless, then should no place have been sought for the second.

8:8 For finding fault with them, he saith, Behold, the days come, saith the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah:

-Jesus improved God's outdated and flawed software. The Lord scoffed at God's covenant and made a new one. So to accept Jesus, you have to reject God.



11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

-Faith... is the evidence of things not seen, but hoped for. So if something isn't actually there and you want it to be, have faith. Faith is evidence that isn't there.

-Then the rest of the chapter lists all the events of the Bible, prefacing each event with "By faith." So because there was no evidence of these events, and we want them to be true, we cling to faith that they are true. Anyone else see the glaring problem with this? I hope there's an island on Earth that's made of chocolate and inhabited by luck dragons. I have faith in this, therefore it must exist.



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12:6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.

12:7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?

-The author closes out Hebrews by claiming that Jesus only beats the ones he loves.

What's this? A letter that ISN'T written by Paul? Oh glorious day! Let's see what this James character has to say.



1:1 James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes which are scattered abroad, greeting.

1:2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

1:3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

-So far... I don't really know what James has to say.



1:12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

1:13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:

1:14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.

-Soooo, God doesn't tempt anyone? We tempt ourselves... with the lust that we have no control over... because it was instilled in us by God. So even though you were born with too much testosterone and an overbearing sexual desire, it's your own fault, cause God doesn't tempt anyone. Even though... he tempted Jesus in the desert for 40 nights... but I guess you would argue that Jesus wasn't a man.



2:6 But ye have despised the poor. Do not rich men oppress you, and draw you before the judgment seats?

2:7 Do not they blaspheme that worthy name by the which ye are called?

2:8 If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well:

-After telling people to treat the poor as good as the rich, James sums it up with a classic line. Nice stuff, James.



4:10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

4:11 Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.

-The Epistle of James is mostly gibberish interspersed with nice thoughts.



4:14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

-I've said the same thing many times.



5:1 Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you.

5:2 Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are motheaten.

5:3 Your gold and silver is cankered; and the rust of them shall be a witness against you, and shall eat your flesh as it were fire. Ye have heaped treasure together for the last days.

5:4 Behold, the hire of the labourers who have reaped down your fields, which is of you kept back by fraud, crieth: and the cries of them which have reaped are entered into the ears of the Lord of sabaoth.

5:5 Ye have lived in pleasure on the earth, and been wanton; ye have nourished your hearts, as in a day of slaughter.

-Suddenly in the last chapter, James just goes off on rich people. So much for being nice to all your neighbors. You have more money than me, burn in hell bitch!



5:14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:

5:15 And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.

-James drifting off into retardation now, praising faith healing. What's next, snake oil for baldness?

One book closer to Revelations.

1st and 2nd Peter are written by Saint Peter (yes, THAT Saint Peter... "you are the rock upon which I will build my church" Peter) and written to various churches who were suffering religious persecution. As usual... the authorship is up for debate, since Acts 4:13 claims St Peter was illiterate.



1:13 Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ;

-Hoist up your brain penis and hope for a quick death to faster reach the magic cloud city, so sayeth St Peter.



1:24 For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away:

1:25 But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you.

-Fucking poetic, Peter. The flesh and glories of man pass away. Though I don't know about the eternal word thing. Throughout the dozens of translations, alterations, and straight up omissions, the word of the Lord barely resembles its original form.



2:16 As free, and not using your liberty for a cloke of maliciousness, but as the servants of God.

2:17 Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king.

-Pete, you're really hit or miss with these sayings. Don't abuse your liberties for malicious acts, hit. Serve God, miss. Honor all men and love thy brother, hit. Fear God, honor the king... really big miss. I don't see how embracing a monarchy has anything to do with God.



2:18 Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.

2:19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.

2:21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:

-More Christian praising of suffering and sacrifice. Slaves, endure your shitty life and be fearful, because Christ suffered to set an example. This sounds suspiciously like Monty Python. Cast off the shoe, follow the gourd! We should all grow beards and actively seek to be crucified, for Christ did such to set an example!







3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

3:2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

3:3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

-Another shining example of misogyny in the NT. Women should be obedient to their husbands, fearful, and wear humble clothing. You are objects to be instructed on how to behave.



3:15 But sanctify the Lord God in you hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:

-This verse should be known by all atheists, ready to deploy in the case that a theist refuses to debate with you.



4:1 Forasmuch then as Christ hath suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves likewise with the same mind: for he that hath suffered in the flesh hath ceased from sin;

4:14 If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you: on their part he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified.

4:16 Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.

-Suffer suffer suffer. And smile while doing it. The Flagellants during the Black Plague were doing it right.

1:1 Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Saviour Jesus Christ:

- (SAB) Although this epistle claims to have been written by Peter, he was almost certainly not its author. It is thought to have been written around 90-100 CE, long after Peter's death. The late date is suspected because: 1) verses 3:3-4 make excuses for the failure of the expected second coming of Christ, 2) the author refers to "all of the letters of Paul" in a way that indicates that Paul's epistles were already considered equal to "the other scriptures", and 3) the epistle depends upon the letter of Jude, which is thought to have been written around 80-100 CE.



1:16 For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty.

1:17 For he received from God the Father honour and glory, when there came such a voice to him from the excellent glory, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

1:18 And this voice which came from heaven we heard, when we were with him in the holy mount.

-After Peter reassures his followers that there's no way this is just some made up fairy tale, he brings up "the voice from heaven they heard during the sermon on the mount." You'd think somebody would have mentioned this before if it had actually... you know... happened. I mean if a divine voice is booming instructions from heaven, why the hell is Jesus even speaking. "Voice from sky > Dude in robe" every time.



1:20 Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation.

1:21 For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.

-Attention all atheists. Write this passage down. Every time you hear "that's not what God meant" or "well that's just how things were back then," recite Peter 1:20-21. The scripture is objective and not meant for interpretation, because it wasn't man with his demographic limitations that wrote it, it was God using holy men as vessels to speak through.



2:4 For if God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness, to be reserved unto judgment;

2:5 And spared not the old world, but saved Noah the eighth person, a preacher of righteousness, bringing in the flood upon the world of the ungodly;

2:6 And turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha into ashes condemned them with an overthrow, making them an ensample unto those that after should live ungodly;

2:7 And delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked:

-This is the biggest cliffhanger ever. I keep waiting for the payoff. Yeah? What would happen if he hadn't done all that stuff? But it just trails off like some kind of cheap excuse to remind everyone about how God can Bleep you up if he wants. And what was that about sinning angels? I thought that was the difference between man and angels, that we were given free will to deny God and angels were sort of the servants of God. But then the whole rebel Lucifer wouldn't make sense. Fucking Bible.







2:16 But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man's voice forbad the madness of the prophet.

-In referencing the talking donkey story of the OT, the author coins the term "dumbass" and reveals himself to be one in one fell swoop.



"Peter" tries to explain why Jesus hasn't come back yet.




3:3 Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts,

-Anyone who scoffs or mocks the return of Jesus is clearly an evil creature, too blinded by lusts to think clearly.

3:4 And saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation.

-All the prominent figures of Christianity are now dead and yet things remain as they always have. Sort of like the day after a doomsday prediction, people are now openly mocking the seriousness of the loonies.

3:8 But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

-One of my favorite excuses from Christians. Well time is different for God, who exists outside of time. One day to him is 1000 years for us. Well if that's true, then why didn't Jesus come back immediately before one of his magic days passed? Is he planning to make his big entrance 10,000 years from now, when Christianity has been forgotten and filed in the mythology section?
"I'm back, my beloved followers!"
"Who the hell are you?"

3:10 But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up.

-So the day the Lord comes back, there will be "fervent heat" and "great noises" and "burning earth." Sounds to me like a perfect reason to start a global nuclear war. All praise be to Allah!

3:15 And account that the longsuffering of our Lord is salvation; even as our beloved brother Paul also according to the wisdom given unto him hath written unto you;

3:16 As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also the other scriptures, unto their own destruction.

-Look, Paul's letters are hard to understand. But if you are unlearned and try to decipher his chicken scratch for your own understanding, you do so at your own destruction.

Wikipedia:

"The First Epistle of John... was written to counter the heresies that Jesus did not come 'in the flesh,' but only as a spirit. It also defined how Christians are to discern true teachers: by their ethics, their proclamation of Jesus in the flesh, and by their love." Written around 100 AD by "John the Evangelist."



1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

1:10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

-So either you admit you're a sinner and have a bloodbath in Christ's blood... or claim you have no sin and ipso facto bingo bongo, you just called Jesus a liar and farted in his unsuspecting face.



2:7 Brethren, I write no new commandment unto you, but an old commandment which ye had from the beginning. The old commandment is the word which ye have heard from the beginning.

2:8 Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth.

-Either John is some master wordsmith and is confusing me with his brilliant poetry, or he just juxtaposed contradictions, creating the very definition of nonsense.



2:15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

-That's kinda cynical, John. All you see in the world is lust and pride? All the selfless acts and inspirational accomplishments of men are self-righteous and godless?



2:18 Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time.

-I'm pretty sure there are no little children reading the Bible. And the antichrist will soon come... to join all the other antichrists that are already here?



2:22 Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist, that denieth the Father and the Son.

-Ah, no wonder there are so many antichrists. Because anyone who isn't a Christian is the antichrist. Well if that's who you're waiting on, then technically every baby born is an antichrist.



3:2 Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.

-Christianity. Truly the most humble religion on earth. Since we are the sons of God, Jesus will be just like us when he returns.







3:8 He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.

3:9 Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.

-So we atheists are spawns of Satan, and all Christians are sinless children of God. And why did God need to create Jesus to destroy the works of the devil? Why didn't God just destroy/not create the devil in the first place? Then there would be no devil, so there would be no malicious works, which would negate the need for Jesus. Everybody wins.



3:12 Not as Cain, who was of that wicked one, and slew his brother. And wherefore slew he him? Because his own works were evil, and his brother's righteous.

-Once you accept that Cain was wicked/evil... you have to realize that Cain was the VERY FIRST CHILD that Adam and Eve produced. God creates these two supposedly goodly creatures... and the first thing they do is disobey God and give birth to a wicked, murderous child? That should have been God's first clue to start over, instead of waiting until Noah's time and having to murder everyone on the planet.



3:15 Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.

-Like... our ACTUAL brother? Or like the brethren of fellow mankind? What if my brother is a dick and pees on me while I'm sleeping?



4:9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

-But you just said that God created Jesus explicitly to come to earth and destroy the works of Satan? I seriously doubt that doing exactly what he had planned to do was a sacrifice on God's part.







Half a page of "God is love and to have love is to have God because God loved us so we should love..."



5:7 For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one.:

-(SAB) This is the clearest, and pretty much the only, expression of the Trinitarian concept in the Bible. It is not, however, found in the earliest Greek manuscripts and is omitted from most modern translations. Here, for example, are verses 7-8 in the New Revised Standard Version:

"There are three that testify: the Spirit and the water and the blood, and these three agree."



5:21 Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen.

-The strangest sign off line I've seen so far. "Oh, and by the way children, stay away from idols. Peace!"

2nd John is 1 chapter, 13 verses long and the only notable verse is:

9 Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son.

10 If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed:

11 For he that biddeth him God speed is partaker of his evil deeds.

-If you are friendly to non-believers or even wish them well, you are just as much a sinner as they are. How kind.
3rd JOHN



13 I had many things to write, but I will not with ink and pen write unto thee:

-3rd John is a cut and paste replica of 2nd John, one chapter long, and completely unnecessary. "John" wrote to somebody to tell them he had many things to write... but isn't going to. But at least now there's only two more books left before I'm finished.

1 Jude, the servant of Jesus Christ, and brother of James, to them that are sanctified by God the Father, and preserved in Jesus Christ, and called:

-The author is claiming to be Jude, brother of James, which is fine until you realize which James he's talking about. The James in question is "James the Just," the leader of the Christian movement after the death of Jesus.

We're also talking about the brother of Jesus from the gospels of Matthew and Mark:

"Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not his sisters here with us? And they were offended at him."

And the son of Mary:

"Some women were watching from a distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and of Joseph, and Salome."

So this author is claiming to be the brother of Jesus. Doubtful, but let's listen up.







5 I will therefore put you in remembrance, though ye once knew this, how that the Lord, havingthat believed not. saved the people out of the land of Egypt, afterward destroyed them

-To remind followers of an event that happened a really long time ago, aka the Christian Specialty.



7 Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.

-And to remind us that gays will forever burn in fire. Also part of the Christian Specialty.



9 Yet Michael the archangel, when contending with the devil he disputed about the body of Moses, durst not bring against him a railing accusation, but said, The Lord rebuke thee.

-Apparently, this is a story taken from something called The Assumption of Moses, which according to Wikipedia is:

The Assumption of Moses (otherwise called the Testament of Moses) is a Jewish apocryphal pseudepigraphical work. It is known from a single sixth-century incomplete manuscript in Latin that was discovered by Antonio Ceriani in the Biblioteca Ambrosiana in Milan in the mid-nineteenth century and published by him in 1861.

-I saw "apocryphal pseudepigraphical work" and gave up all hope. Sounds like an interesting story though, if somebody wants to research it and let us know.



11 Woe unto them! for they have gone in the way of Cain, and ran greedily after the error of Balaam for reward, and perished in the gainsaying of Core.

12 These are spots in your feasts of charity, when they feast with you, feeding themselves without fear: clouds they are without water, carried about of winds; trees whose fruit withereth, without fruit, twice dead, plucked up by the roots;

13 Raging waves of the sea, foaming out their own shame; wandering stars, to whom is reserved the blackness of darkness for ever.

-Still talking about sinners and unbelievers, "Jude" goes off on a poetic tangent that's just lovely.



14 And Enoch also, the seventh from Adam, prophesied of these, saying, Behold, the Lord cometh with ten thousands of his saints,

15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him.

-This one is from the Book of Enoch, an ancient Hebrew non-canonical text. At least this Jude person is clearly educated on the texts of his religion.



22 And of some have compassion, making a difference:

23 And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.

-After hating on sinners the entire chapter, Jude throws out a well wishing, compelling Christians to "save them with fear." To use earthly fear to pull them from eternal fire.



And that's that. I may get into Revelations later today, and I will pick it apart, word for word.

PART 2



12:1 And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:

12:2 And she being with child cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered.

12:3 And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads.

12:4 And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born.

-We start off part 2 with a pregnant woman clothed in sun, and the moon... under her feet? Was she walking on the moon or was she wearing moon shoes? She also wore a crown, just for the hell of it. Anyways, a red dragon appears from heaven (dragons live in heaven) with seven heads, ten horns, and each head wearing... a crown. The dragon... wore apparel... that we use to signify leaders in one of our political systems. So after his tail knocked 1/3rd of the stars out of the sky... which would be roughly a trillion trillion trillion stars... he waited next to the woman for her to give birth, so he could eat the baby. Because as we all know, dragons love to eat babies.



12:5 And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to his throne.

12:6 And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God, that they should feed her there a thousand two hundred and threescore days.

12:7 And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,

12:8 And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven.

-I forgot to mention that this pregnant woman was in heaven (12:1) when she gave birth and ran off to the wilderness. Wilderness. In heaven. Then Michael and his angel army fought off the dragon, probably with their swords, since heaven uses outdated weaponry (chariots and bow and arrow and such).







12:9 And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.

-Finally, a mention of Satan being cast out of heaven. Of course, you have to accept that he has the power to turn into a dragon and has an angel army of his own first.



12:12 Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time.

12:13 And when the dragon saw that he was cast unto the earth, he persecuted the woman which brought forth the man child.

12:14 And to the woman were given two wings of a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place, where she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent.

12:15 And the serpent cast out of his mouth water as a flood after the woman, that he might cause her to be carried away of the flood.

12:16 And the earth helped the woman, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth.

-Heads up, earth! We just threw a dragon out of heaven and naturally, the only place a being cast from heaven can land is earth, since heaven is directly above earth. The woman, not in heaven anymore, sprouts wings and flies away, but not until the dragon shoots flood waters out his mouth at her, which are swallowed up by the earth.



13:1 And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.

13:2 And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

-A sea creature rises from the depths, looking eerily similar to Satan, only this creature has a crown on every horn on its head. I can't wait until the crown appears, with crowns for hands and a great many crowns on its crown. Anyways, this sea creature has the body of a leopard and bear's feet. Satan the dragon transfers all his power to the creature.



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The dragons wounds are healed by the power of Satan and he is able to speak, so he blasphemes against God for a while until:

13:11 And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.

-Yep. Another beast appears, this one with goat horns and the voice of a dragon (Skyrim?). This beast impresses people with miracles and fire from the sky.



13:16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:

13:17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

13:18 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

-666, the number of the beast.



14:1 And I looked, and, lo, a Lamb stood on the mount Sion, and with him an hundred forty and four thousand, having his Father's name written in their foreheads.

14:2 And I heard a voice from heaven, as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder: and I heard the voice of harpers harping with their harps:

14:3 And they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four beasts, and the elders: and no man could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth.

14:4 These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. These are they which follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the firstfruits unto God and to the Lamb.

-Jesus the sheep is standing around on a mountain with his 144,000 Jews singing a song that only those who are to be saved can learn. And to be a part of this 144,000 you must be a virgin. Bummer. This sounds like a Christian road trip from hell. A bunch of virgins travelling around the wilderness singing songs with harps and trumpets? Sounds more like band camp.



14:14 And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle.

14:15 And another angel came out of the temple, crying with a loud voice to him that sat on the cloud, Thrust in thy sickle, and reap: for the time is come for thee to reap; for the harvest of the earth is ripe.

14:16 And he that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped.

-Jesus is chilling in his cloud recliner wielding a sickle (rather primitive weapon for the son of God) and an angel flies by and tells him to get off his ass and get to work. So Jesus follows the command of the angel and "reaps the earth." Then another angel comes along, also brandishing a sickle and reaps the earth as well, just in case Jesus missed any.



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15:5 And after that I looked, and, behold, the temple of the tabernacle of the testimony in heaven was opened:

15:6 And the seven angels came out of the temple, having the seven plagues, clothed in pure and white linen, and having their breasts girded with golden girdles.

15:7 And one of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God, who liveth for ever and ever.

-As I was going to St Ives
I met a man with seven wives
Every wife had seven sacks
Every sack had seven cats
Every cat had seven kittens
Kittens, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St Ives?

Wait, no that's the English nursery rhyme from Die Hard with a Vengeance. Got caught up in these numbers and fables. And the answer is one.



16:1 And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, Go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of God upon the earth.

16:2 And the first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast, and upon them which worshipped his image.

16:3 And the second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea.

16:4 And the third angel poured out his vial upon the rivers and fountains of waters; and they became blood.

16:8 And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire.

16:9 And men were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, which hath power over these plagues: and they repented not to give him glory.

16:10 And the fifth angel poured out his vial upon the seat of the beast; and his kingdom was full of darkness; and they gnawed their tongues for pain,

16:12 And the sixth angel poured out his vial upon the great river Euphrates; and the water thereof was dried up, that the way of the kings of the east might be prepared.

16:17 And the seventh angel poured out his vial into the air; and there came a great voice out of the temple of heaven, from the throne, saying, It is done.

16:18 And there were voices, and thunders, and lightnings; and there was a great earthquake, such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, and so great.

-That's it? This day has been hyped up for thousands of years. The fury of God finally unleashed on earth and what do we get? Bloody seas and rivers, sores, a great heat, darkness, a dried up river, and a couple of natural occurrences? Seriously God, you could have went with a supernova or a black hole in the center of the earth or a fleet of dragons or just a fucking nuclear bomb. Instead we get some inconveniences. Oh how I tremble.



17:1 And there came one of the seven angels which had the seven vials, and talked with me, saying unto me, Come hither; I will shew unto thee the judgment of the great LovePeddler that sitteth upon many waters:

17:2 With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.

17:3 So he carried me away in the spirit into the wilderness: and I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet coloured beast, full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns.

17:4 And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication:

17:5 And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.

17:6 And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.

-I have no idea what any of this says. Some great LovePeddler sitting on a beast, drinking from a golden cup of sin and branded with the title, "Mother of Harlots?" Later we're told that one day Jesus will wage a war against the ten kingdoms symbolized by the ten horns on her head.







19:2 For true and righteous are his judgments: for he hath judged the great LovePeddler, which did corrupt the earth with her fornication, and hath avenged the blood of his servants at her hand.

-Praise God for his ability to judge others from his self-righteous throne.



19:4 And the four and twenty elders and the four beasts...

...guess

... fell down and worshipped God that sat on the throne, saying, Amen; Alleluia.



19:7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.

19:8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.

-Either Jesus has a wife in heaven, or it's a metaphor and we're the wife, ready to get bleeped by the Lord.



19:11 And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

19:12 His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.

19:13 And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.

19:14 And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.

19:15 And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.

19:16 And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.

-A man riding a white horse (outdated technology again) who is somehow Jesus AND the word of God appears wearing SEVERAL crowns on one head.



19:20 And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.

19:21 And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh.

-The beast and false prophet () were cast into a lake of fire, then everyone else was killed by Jesus with his mouth sword.



20:1 And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand.

20:2 And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years,

20:3 And cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the nations no more, till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be loosed a little season.

-So an angel binds Satan the dragon (so who the hell was the beast and the false prophet?) and casts him into the bottomless pit for 1000 years, then released him.







20:7 And when the thousand years are expired, Satan shall be loosed out of his prison,

20:8 And shall go out to deceive the nations which are in the four quarters of the earth, Gog, and Magog, to gather them together to battle: the number of whom is as the sand of the sea.

20:9 And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them.

20:10 And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.

-So if it's already known what Satan will do when released, why the imprisonment in the first place? Why not just immediately cast him into the fire? And what I'm gathering from this is that God was the one who created the lake of fire, where many many of his followers will eventually end up. So why is Satan the bad guy? He's just another dude who got bleeped over by God on a power trip, same as the rest of us.



20:12 And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.

20:15 And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.

-God is a pretentious, condescending prick who will throw you into the fire he created if you aren't on his VIP list.



21:1 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.

21:2 And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

21:9 And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb's wife.

21:10 And he carried me away in the spirit to a great and high mountain, and shewed me that great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God,

-So his wife is the city of Jerusalem, which is gushes on and on about how great the city is as it descends. So after the great bloody apocalypse, we start over again? Sounds like a nightmare.



22:6 And he said unto me, These sayings are faithful and true: and the Lord God of the holy prophets sent his angel to shew unto his servants the things which must shortly be done.

22:7 Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this book.

22:16 I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.

22:18 For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:

22:19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

22:20 He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

22:21 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

-So let me see if I understand all this. A man who's been exiled to a desolate island suddenly has this vision. A vision of such importance that he would be allowed back into civilization to spread word of this vision. In fact, to NOT hear about this vision would damn you to hell. Interesting how the timing of the vision coincided with his desire to get off the island. Why the Bleep would anyone believe anything in that rambling incoherent acid trip story we just witnessed? Talking creatures with several eyes and horns and crowns and dragons and angelic cavalry warfare. Fantastic.



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You are going to run mad soon.

The bible was not written in day and now you want to review it as an immoral fairytale of lies, kings and dragons?

lol.....You have some balls man. There were some funny parts in the review (Especially the king who wanted his wife to shake her bottom) but this sh1t is too long

F,.UCK YEAH I AM DONE. COLLAPSES. GETS STRUCK BY LIGHTNING OVER AND OVER.

folly expressed with much rigor.

Image123: folly expressed with much rigor.

Speechless?

musKeeto:
Speechless?

you are?