Miss_Ife:

I guess i would [i]think [/i]about it before doing it, It sounds weird, but this is the way I feel, I can't really explain it myself. though c;four has raised a very good point. I love my husband deeply, but if things were to turn sour between us, I don't know how long this love would last bur has for my children, my love is unconditional, whatever they do, whatever they look like, this love is even stronger than me

Worded!!!!!! nice one.

kokoye:

^^^

@ debrief08,

I get where you are coming from . . totally.

As for the person who is not yet married and thinks he or she knows what marital life is all about, you never know UNTIL you are in it.

The taste of the pudding is in the eating . .right?

So . . please dont judge anyone's thought process or 'comments' because you will NEVER be in their shoes.

Also, [b]the child you unconditionally love would not have been around without that father. That child will leave you and start a life with someone else . .and the original question will arise again.[/b]Again, this is not about who you should love more. Feel free to read my first lines again.

Think about it.

I totally agree. Thats why we have d constant dragging btw mother in laws and wives. I have learnt a lot from my mother In law who has 5 boys and raised them all very well, she loves them but didnt spoil or over indulge anyone, never fails to call them to order and so has never had any problem lettingn go as they marry. Her Husband is still her first priority. When I had my son, she asked me to trust her with the advice she gave me, she told me that despite the fact that I looked for a child for years I shouldnt spoil this one because a bad child is of no use to anyone. That really helped me because I love my son so much but I always remember that he is not mine alone, and I have to raise him to be someone's husband one day.
Everybody has his own way of reasoning and each works for each person. This is how I have chosen to love, my husband first.

debrief08:

. . Thats why we have d constant dragging btw mother in laws and wives.

This is the whole point of the thread.

Unless you all want to tell me that the love you have for your children is the same with the love you have for your spouses.

kokoye:

This is the whole point of the thread.

Nope it is not the point of the thread, that!!!! right there is a different isssue entirely.

ronkebp:

Worded!!!!!! nice one.

thanks 

@debrief : loving my child unconditionally doesn't mean I spoil her. I am actually a quite strict mum, and since I love her, I want the best for her, which includes being brought up properly so that she will be able to fit in the society and make responsible choices for her own life when she grows up. I know very well she will leave me and go and live her own life, that is the whole point of my "work" as a mother,  but i know very well too that my love for her will never stop, married or not, it will always be as deep as it is now. I'm telling you, if my husband was to leave me and go marry I wouldn't be loving him anymore  Joke apart, the love is very different, I don't think that the fact that kids move on with their lives changes anything. I wouldn't want my husband to leave me and I'd stay with my kid for the rest of my life, but that doesn't change the way I feel when it comes to that deep, unexplainable love.

Also, the child you unconditionally love would not have been around without that father. That child will leave you and start a life with someone else . .and the original question will arise again.

romantic love and familial love for a child are quite different.
the former is selfish and depends on reciprocity (ex. I love you as long as you treat me well) whereas the latter is selfless and unconditional (ex. I love you no matter what).

of course it's ideal to try to love your spouse selflessly but this takes A LOT of work. on the other hand, it comes very easily and effortlessly to love your child that way. good husbands make it very easy to love of course as we can see from the testimony of many women here

debrief08:

Well my dear, this is my second marriage. I was in an abusive marriage. I left feeling worthless, and I had been told and was prepared to spend a single "life of misery" and probably die alone, cos i was told in Nigeria no one will want a divorcee, so forgive me for being chessy. And forgive me for appreciating how great I have it after almost being killed by a man who was supposed to love me.
I love my so but love my husband more unapololigetically.

i'm really sorry I didn't know this about you.
I'm glad you are out of that marriage and in a more fulfilling one.

I just was looking at my parents marriage and can't seem to understand why a wife will hold her husband in such an almost 'saviour like' esteem. but I understand your perspective now. I hope you are healing well and pray you regain your full self-esteem speedily.

Miss_Ife:

thanks 

@debrief : loving my child unconditionally doesn't mean I spoil her. I am actually a quite strict mum, and since I love her, I want the best for her, which includes being brought up properly so that she will be able to fit in the society and make responsible choices for her own life when she grows up. I know very well she will leave me and go and live her own life, that is the whole point of my "work" as a mother,  but i know very well too that my love for her will never stop, married or not, it will always be as deep as it is now. I'm telling you, if my husband was to leave me and go marry I wouldn't be loving him anymore  Joke apart, the love is very different, I don't think that the fact that kids move on with their lives changes anything. I wouldn't want my husband to leave me and I'd stay with my kid for the rest of my life, but that doesn't change the way I feel when it comes to that deep, unexplainable love.

Well as a Christain am commanded by God to first leave others and cling to my Husband. I Love my Son like my life, but I love my husband more, my husband is my partner, my son iss my son, he will grow and find his own partner

ronkebp:

Nope it is not the point of the thread, that!!!! right there is a different isssue entirely.

lol

Here's where I said it - the mother thinks no one else can love her son like she does . . not even the wife. they start to compare and scrutinize.

Then the wife starts having issues with that . . becomes a tug of war kinda.

But, like you said, let's not go into that 

I understand the unconditional love part. I get it.



Back to my original question . . so why do you think when asked to choose, most men would choose thier wives??


Is it because he does not love his kids unconditionally?

kokoye:

Is it because he does not love his kids unconditionally?

I've been thinking about that today, and realized that it [i]could [/i]be a matter of time spent with the child/spouse. For example, apart from work, I spend much more time with my child than with my husband and my husband spends much more time with me than with my child. Could be that he knows me better? Needs me more? Or maybe becoming a father is not as life-changing as becoming a mother?

I actually have no idea, I'm not a man And I'm not even sure my own husband would choose me over our children. Somehow, I hope he'd choose our children.

^^^

As a man, here's what I think.

A responsible man wants to make sure his family does not lack.

How does he do that?  by going out to get this money.

depending on how much he's able to get, he may be able to spend more time with his kids  . . or not.

But that does not mean he does not love them the same way the mother does.

Women, or the other side are more emotional . . I think.

Having said that, I kinda spend more time with my son that his mom. I like to stay at home while she does the grocery shopping and all that. Adn thank God I have a job that allows me to spend that much time at home.

But I'm in no way taking away from my wife . .because I cant. She is the rock of my household. And she's my mother too.

Hope this makes sense.

So why do some moms make this statement? " After everything I have suffered for my sons sake, some body wants to reap where she didnt sow" The aim of having a child is to love and prepare the child for a life of his/ her own to the glory of God and not to replace the spouse. In my own Oppinion.

^^^

They are self-centered. period.

Their kids are personal investments as far as they're concerned.

debrief08:

So why do some moms make this statement? " After everything I have suffered for my sons sake, some body wants to reap where she didnt sow" The aim of having a child is to love and prepare the child for a life of his/ her own to the glory of God and not to replace the spouse. In my own Oppinion.

Only because they lack understanding.

debrief08:

So why do some moms make this statement? " After everything I have suffered for my sons sake, some body wants to reap where she didnt sow" The aim of having a child is to love and prepare the child for a life of his/ her own to the glory of God and not to replace the spouse. In my own Oppinion.

I think there's an obvious problem here. Maybe these ladies lack something else in their lives : an enjoyable marriage, a fulfilling career, Maybe they've started thinking that only their kids can make them happy and end up having these weird ideas. However, I'm not sure it's the exact same thing as what we are discussing in this topic, though it's linked, for instance, I said I'd "choose" my kids over my husband but I totally agree with you when you say kids are raised so that they can go and live their own life away from their parents. There's a differences between feeling this strong love for your children and mixing it up with love for your spouse. Though I love my kids unconditionally, I can never mistake them for my spouse.

Please clarify for me o. When you say choose between spouse and child what do you mean. I assume it means you already have both and if you were faced with a choice of which of them would die or be permanently separated from you, who would you choose. Or am I misinterpreting the question?

If my interpretation is correct, I am in complete agreement with Miss Ife and C Fours here.

c.fours:


romantic love and familial love for a child are quite different.
the former is selfish and depends on reciprocity (ex. I love you as long as you treat me well) whereas the latter is selfless and unconditional (ex. I love you no matter what).

of course it's ideal to try to love your spouse selflessly but this takes A LOT of work. on the other hand, it comes very easily and effortlessly to love your child that way. good husbands make it very easy to love of course as we can see from the testimony of many women here