asalamaliekum, my dear sisters, pls dose of you that are married and have co wives, how are u dealin with it[especially if u are the first wife]. the tot of sharing my husband with anoda woman just disgust me. it hasnt happend yet, but i no its going to soon. i v bin married a couple of years and no children. it has not bin easy- but i have bin strong. what ever will b will bebut am praying to God for his blessings sooonest.

Let you and your husband have medical checks to know if you are okay in that regard. If there are medical issues, try and solve them as best you can. If they aren't any medical problems, continue with your fervent prayers. Try to relax as well and you might want to review co-habitation styles with your husband (some are not very conception-friendly), this is not often said but it is true nonetheless.

As for the second-wife thing, you fulfill your end of the bargain as wife and encourage your husband to fulfill his. Review your status and situation periodically but I won't advice you to take abuse from him or anybody. This does not mean you will be confrontational with him. Find people that are reasonable that he respects to talk to him, either codedly or openly (whichever works).

Hardunnii: Thats the problem with ur yeye islam, you should have gone to registry since you are the jealous type

Sorry yeye Hardunnii,I hope you won't regret your words someday. Registry is a joke when it comes to a woman having rivals. The overwhelming majority of men that go to registry have concubines/multiple wives. Even those that claim to have taken vow of Celibacy have lovers and children.

Stay there and be playing Ostrich.

Mr alfa ni ilorin, are u tryin to justify that polygamous nonsense?? how about she marries a second husband as well, hypocrite

Hardunnii: Mr alfa ni ilorin, are u tryin to justify that polygamous nonsense?? how about she marries a second husband as well, hypocrite

Madam 'Independent Woman' are you trying to deny that polygamy is much better than your husband having a string of lovers and exposing you to obvious dangers?

And who says those with multiple wives dont have concubines Shior, you ppl should stop this demeaning act against your women, no man can try that nonsense with me

Hardunnii: And who says those with multiple wives dont have concubines Shior, you ppl should stop this demeaning act against your women, no man can try that nonsense with me

Awwww, Hardunnii is so impressionable. Contrary to what you think, I am not particularly motivated to marry more than one woman. However, I, you or anybody else would be foolish to think that majority of men will not have more than one female sexual partner. Islam recognizes this and controls this strong urge of most men with polygamy under strict rules. Don't mind what you see in our environment. Any man that maltreats women will pay a hefty price for it from God himself.

The Prophet (SAW) is reported to have said “The believer who has the most perfect faith is the one whose behaviour is best, and the best of you are the ones who are best to their women.”

Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is a hasan îa sahih hadith.

So lady, sincere Muslim men don't demean women, we honour them. I know you are intelligent; seek to learn about a concept before you condemn it, if in doubt ask questions.

I know a young non-Muslim lady that does that here on Nairaland and I have great respect for her.

I know you are going to say that Polygamy does not guarantee fidelity. It does for when who are true believers in Islam and have urges for more than one woman.

How come your islam does not provide for women who have the urge for more sexual partners I feel for your women with this kind of pathetic n obsolete way of life. Shior

Hardunnii: How come your islam does not provide for women who have the urge for more sexual partners I feel for your women with this kind of pathetic n obsolete way of life. Shior

So, are you suggesting that as a married woman you would want to have other sexual partners apart from your husband? That wouldn't be lady-like. As a single woman fornication is seriously frowned-upon in Christianity and our local tradition.

Even in the so-called "liberal western word", women who have multiple sexual partners are called 'whores' or worse whilst men who do the same are regarded as being 'the man'. It is the way things are.

The problem people like you have is that you buy into the "gender equality" dogma which is just rubbish what we should promote is "gender equity" that is what Islam brings.

It works in reverse too, when a man says he wants to get pregnant, you know he is mad.

You are still in dark ages, if u respect ur woman like u claim to, then u will keep ur body for her alone, spare me this nonsense sexual urge, its only a dog that cant control himself, what u cant take frm ur woman dont dish it out in d name of islam

Hardunnii: You are still in dark ages, if u respect ur woman like u claim to, then u will keep ur body for her alone, spare me this nonsense sexual urge, its only a dog that cant control himself, what u cant take frm ur woman dont dish it out in d name of islam

What about the billions of married non-Muslim men that cheat on their wives? This is not an 'Islamic' problem but Islam provides a practical solution. I know what you mean but take hold of this, you can't always get what you want in life. If you know what many pastors and priests are doing at the background, you would know that you are fighting a losing battle trying to control most men when it comes to sex.

The rules for Polygamy in Islam are strict. The problems occur when people leave the rules and do what they like.

Aha! I hear you say. Well, nobody said this world is perfect. That is why we have the Day of Judgement for everyone to render account and be judged for his/her deeds.

Go to the family section, majority of those women complaining of infidelity of their husbands are not Muslims, so you can see that it is not as simple as you want to make it.

Am not sayin only muslims cheat, am sayin what is wrong is wrong and islam should condemn it not to accomodate such a lustful way, islam should preach one partner.

Hardunnii: Am not sayin only muslims cheat, am sayin what is wrong is wrong and islam should condemn it not to accomodate such a lustful way, islam should preach one partner.

You are not showing deep insight. Who or what determines what is right or wrong? In Islam God determines that. Yes sex is a great part of marriage but it goes beyond that, you have issues of care, social cohesion and emotional needs.

I recently saw an article about many professional Muslim women in the UK who are opting to become 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives because they want a man who is responsible in their lives but do not want to carry out all the duties of a single wife. Would you say denying such women a right is good or bad?

You are only defending the position you have been programmed to agree with without showing deeper insight. In short, you are being selfish.

Most married women don't want a second wife for their husband but have you paused to consider the position of the women that want to become the 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife? Do they not deserve some happiness too?

I am sure you cannot go more than 2 generations back in your direct lineage without finding that some of your fore-fathers had more than one wife. Are you suggesting that they married those wives just because of lust?

Don't be brainwashed by people who preach A and do the direct opposite.

You can try to justify it all you want, but am not buying that crap, your islam is sexiest, thats why it allows such, how can a man have more than one partner and nt vice versa? i just feel for your women who takes that trash in the name of religion. Smh

^
Permit me ti say your argument smacks ignorance head to toe. Do you know women with multiple partners are more prone to STDs? Do you cervical cancver has a strong correlation to the number of partners a woman have? Do you know that if a woman was to be married to more than one man it will be quite difficult to know who fathered what than vice versa? Do you women generally have a psycological make up to be in a relationship with one man at a time? Madam feel free to marry more than one husband if that is your goal our muslim women are too decent to descend to such your level. ISLAM is beautiful no doubt about it.

@ op, as bad as the idea of sharing ur husband is, there must be specifics on why u have misgivings it could be time,money etc but put your trust in Allah and seeing the difficult situation your marriage is already why don't you relax your mind and try talking to ur husband on what exactly your fears are! I am not the best person to advise anyone as I am yet to marry. Cheers

Again, all i see is rantings, your mohammed tried to justify his lust for women by manipulating you guys with such ideology. If you cannot control your urge, you might has well castrate your manhood. Chikena

Hardunnii: Again, all i see is rantings, your mohammed tried to justify his lust for women by manipulating you guys with such ideology. If you cannot control your urge, you might has well castrate your manhood. Chikena

I really hope you have a change in mindset because it is women like you who kill themselves with hypertension over their husband only for the same women whom they didn't want their husband to be with to enjoy him thereafter.

Hardunnii,, I daresay that without polygamy you wouldn't be here. You are arguing from a shallow position. You should be more open-minded to learn. This your condescending attitude will get you nowhere. #Naughtygirl.

Alfa, i wont insult you, though you are aggravating, like i said if you are not man enough to control your sexual fantasizes, go and cut ur thing off, u will be doing the whole world a huge favour

Hardunnii: Alfa, i wont insult you, though you are aggravating, like i said if you are not man enough to control your sexual fantasizes, go and cut ur thing off, u will be doing the whole world a huge favour

Aggravating you where? I am telling you the truth. You are just getting vexed over nothing. I sense that you have had a negative experience with polygamy somewhere. Hence, you have learnt to hate it, do you care to share your experience?

I can't help but laugh at some of your comments.

I now see who truly this hardunni is or howeva the hell she spells her name. You are completely ignorant. The only thing that can save people like you is when Allah makes you have a very terrifying nightmare, maybe if you see yourself in hell in your dream, you might decide to come back to your senses.

@op, I want you to not put too much pressure on yourself. Try to make yourself happy as you can and be patient. remember what Allah says in the Qur'an-

"And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to as-Saabiroon (the patient ones)" (al-Baqarah 2:155)

"And surely, We shall try you till We know the Mujaahideen from amongst you and as-Saabireen (the patient ones)" (Muhammad 47:31)

"Indeed, your wealth and children are a trial" (at-Taghaabun 64:15)

And in case your husband marries another woman, try to make it peaceful. I have always believed most of the problems with polygamy is the initial belief that it is bad. have a positive attitude and yours might make a good example

@topic, i totally second deols. She said it all, may Allah make it easy for us. You may hate the messenger, don't hate the message. Practical solution has been provided, is up to harduni to take it up.

THANK you all @deols, @maclatunji for the defence lol. pls dont waste you precios time in arguing with a rif-raf that would rather their husbands cheat on them than have him marry the woman. @ hardun whatever, i didnt say am 'jealous', checkup 'disgust' and 'coping' in a dictionary.yeye woman

VENUSS: THANK you all @deols, @maclatunji for the defence lol. pls dont waste you precios time in arguing with a rif-raf that would rather their husbands cheat on them than have him marry the woman. @ hardun whatever, i didnt say am 'jealous', checkup 'disgust' and 'coping' in a dictionary.yeye woman

Nice to know you are a lot more cheerful now. As for Hardunnii, I think we Muslims make a mistake of getting angry at people like her. We need to develop a thicker skin and learn to educate them, it might not be their fault that they have been brought-up in a certain way or to believe in certain things. She might not admit it, but our discussion would have given her some things to think about.

I know that it is very important that people think, reflect and learn more about Islam. Of course, not everybody will become a Muslim but at least we can help them eliminate some of their unfounded biases (God-willing).

@deols that was great advice and coming from a woman #Sweet.

Hardunnii is worshiping Jesus who worshiped Ellah, if the Bibles are correct about the events of the cross, the gethsemane, and Who is Lord and God of the children of Israel; [1 or more?], etc.
Hardunnii has turned her father the Alfa [whatever that means] and her mother's father, the "imam" to worshipers of you guess it, Jesus of Nazareth, the one crucified according to the law, says Paul, mark, matthew, john and luke [in the fashion of the singer paul, peter and mary of the '60s love era].

In all, the bibles do not even recommend 1 or specific number of wives a husband can have, while the Quran strongly recommends 1.

I am kinda late to this topic. Anyway, polygamy is something that scares me as a want a simple drama free life. Among West African muslims, it is very common. Where I am from it is around 40-50% of marriages so there is a high chance I could be tested with this. I am not even against the idea as what can I do since it is part of my religion? The only thing that worries me is that many women who come into your marriage, will not come without a fight. All I care is that we live in separate homes and the man visits each of us and our children when he should and does what he is supposed to financially. I don't care if he favors her over me in his heart as I don't believe a man should be the be all and end all of your life. I would just make sure I treat him well to the best of my ability. I would not want much to do with the other wife. I think it is better to keep a distance and just have a cordial/polite relationship in order to prevent problems.

Anyway, it is just that in Africa, many 2nd wives come with the intention of getting rid of the first wife and give you and your children trouble. I just hope that if my future husband does decide to choose this path we have separate homes and he can afford 2 families (most men can't nowadays anyway). I could never live with another woman in the same roof and in Islam we have a right to separate accomodation. I cannot stand men who are already poor yet they marry other women and then force the women to live together b/c they cannot afford more than 1 household. Also, the problem with these other women is, they not only bring their rivalry towards you, but to your innocent children as well. Men need to think carefully when choosing another woman to add to his family. Though you should be attracted to the new woman, you should also consider her character as well and look for someone peaceful who will not bring drama into your home. Also, a man needs to make sure that HE is the one in control of things and not let one wife (usually the favorite) dominate things. You need to be a MAN in order to keep harmony among different women and families. You also have to remember it is more in-laws (another mother in law) to deal with. Another thing that worries me is what if he wants to take my children to see the other woman, especially if I am not present? They will be his children too so there is not much I can do about it. Can I trust her not to give my children something to eat? Some women get jealous at the love your husband shows your children forgetting that they are his too. I really hope my future husband decides to have me has the only wife b/c I don't want drama and war in my home. Plus, I will be disturbed by the fact that he is sharing his body with her and having intmate relations with her, and exchanging bodily fluids. How do I know what sort of sexual history she has? Who knows what in the world he could be doing with her in intimacy, but anyway I guess the best thing is to not dwell on it too much as it is a private matter between the both of them. I just can't help but to think of that part.

Polygamy also weakens the bond between you and your husband b/c another will be in the middle. Everytime you have a quarrel with him, he can easily go to her. There will be less privacy as he will be sharing his secrets and thoughts with her as well. Having another there makes it EXTRA harder than it already is to work on things bwtween you and your husband. Everything will be on a schedule. Who gets to go on vacation with him and when? What if you want to go to a public event together? Who goes? Or I guess you both can go. Any major decisions you have to may (for example, maybe where to live), who gets what say. Will he favor her in his decisions? Can he afford it? It makes it so much more difficult if he can't. This is not about being a gold digger, but the money needs to be enough otherwise the man would just spend most of his money on his beloved wife and neglect the others financially if he cannot afford to provide for them all.

@ OP: I am an unmarried sister, but I think that if I were to be put in such a situation, is that I would just worry about MY marriage and relationship with my husband. If your husband decides to make that decision, you still have to remember your marriage with him is separate from his marriage with her despite being married to the same man. I know it is hard as you will be indirectly linked to her through him, but it is still two separate marriages. Focus on YOUR relationship with him and do things that can strengthen your relationship and not push him towards her. I know at first you will be angry, but do not let him sense that b/c he will just go to her. She will be happy and loving as it is easier being the 2nd wife b/c they tend to ASSUME she would be the favorite. The man will go to where he is most at ease. The best thing to do is exercise patience, patience, patience. Never let him and especially not the other woman see you sad or angry. What she would hate is for you to continue in your marriage happily as if she doesn't exist. Give people the opposite reaction from what they would expect. Don't show people you are hurt. All they would d is rub it in. Do not give anyone that satisfaction. You can cry your eyes out when he is not there to get out the pain, but as long as he doesn't see it. That is how I would deal with it if my husband were to marry again. Also, make a lot of dua for ALlah to give you strength and patience to get through it and also that your husband marries a peaceful sister, is fair and respects both you and any potential new wife as women. Like I said worry about yourself and don't occupy yourself with the other sister.

Also, one more important thing, NEVER bring up the other wife to your husband. Do not talk about her to him. Don't let him think you are jealous of her or she is a threat to you. This will just make her seem more attractive to him. When it is your day, make things about YOU. By bringing her up, you are bringing the attention on her. the last thing you want to do when he is with YOU is to make him think about her, especially if she doesn't talk about you when she is with him. Do not make her relevant. Like I said your marriage is separate. To sum it up, the best way to deal with polygamy is to worry about your own marriage and Inshallah when Allah blesses you with kids, focus on bringing them up right and protecting them. In the end, people will only respect you, even your co-wife.

I learned all this from my 2 grandmothers, aunt, and cousins who were first wives who had very smart ways with dealing with co-wives. They are wonderful women and had STRONG marriages with their husbands despite other women being there. My grandmothers suffered very much especially due to favoritism their husbands showed their second wives, but they went through it well. The co-wives were just envious and couldn't do anything about them. Do not let another woman come and usurp you from your marriage. Otherwise, she will reap all the benefits of your hard work. Hope this helped. Sorry for the long post, but this is a very sensitive issue for me as I have witnessed first hand a lot of women in my family and mother's friends who had struggles in these marriages. I learned from them how to overcome it if I were to ever be put in that situation, which is very likely if I marry a muslim man from west africa.

Logic Mind:

oh! poor you!
if you leave islam, you will surely be murdered.
poor thing.
and you must love your husband.
oh dear.
please pray harder.
allah knows all
make sure your azz is facing the right direction while praying because allah's ears only hears in a straight line.
please be strong
imagine the wonderful life you might enjoy with your husband and his new bride.
the great threesum. all praise be to allah
you can be licking her while your husband is entering her and the woderful threesum fruit you are going to get
future almajiri. allah is great
you see, it's no that bad.
you can even ask your husband to get a third wife who can use a strapon on you while your husband is fuckin' the second one.
your imagination is your limit
praise be to allah who made 6 year old girls attractive to his prophet.
allah! arkbah!

Bwahahahahaha!!!! Omo na wa for u oh. Show small empathy na. D woman dey in distress. U fit marry am sef collect am from d husband hand. She needs TLC

modified

nene1: I am kinda late to this topic. Anyway, polygamy is something that scares me as a want a simple drama free life. Among West African muslims, it is very common. Where I am from it is around 40-50% of marriages so there is a high chance I could be tested with this. I am not even against the idea as what can I do since it is part of my religion? The only thing that worries me is that many women who come into your marriage, will not come without a fight. All I care is that we live in separate homes and the man visits each of us and our children when he should and does what he is supposed to financially. I don't care if he favors her over me in his heart as I don't believe a man should be the be all and end all of your life. I would just make sure I treat him well to the best of my ability. I would not want much to do with the other wife. I think it is better to keep a distance and just have a cordial/polite relationship in order to prevent problems.

Anyway, it is just that in Africa, many 2nd wives come with the intention of getting rid of the first wife and give you and your children trouble. I just hope that if my future husband does decide to choose this path we have separate homes and he can afford 2 families (most men can't nowadays anyway). I could never live with another woman in the same roof and in Islam we have a right to separate accomodation. I cannot stand men who are already poor yet they marry other women and then force the women to live together b/c they cannot afford more than 1 household. Also, the problem with these other women is, they not only bring their rivalry towards you, but to your innocent children as well. Men need to think carefully when choosing another woman to add to his family. Though you should be attracted to the new woman, you should also consider her character as well and look for someone peaceful who will not bring drama into your home. Also, a man needs to make sure that HE is the one in control of things and not let one wife (usually the favorite) dominate things. You need to be a MAN in order to keep harmony among different women and families. You also have to remember it is more in-laws (another mother in law) to deal with. Another thing that worries me is what if he wants to take my children to see the other woman, especially if I am not present? They will be his children too so there is not much I can do about it. Can I trust her not to give my children something to eat? Some women get jealous at the love your husband shows your children forgetting that they are his too. I really hope my future husband decides to have me has the only wife b/c I don't want drama and war in my home. Plus, I will be disturbed by the fact that he is sharing his body with her and having intmate relations with her, and exchanging bodily fluids. How do I know what sort of sexual history she has? Who knows what in the world he could be doing with her in intimacy, but anyway I guess the best thing is to not dwell on it too much as it is a private matter between the both of them. I just can't help but to think of that part.

Polygamy also weakens the bond between you and your husband b/c another will be in the middle. Everytime you have a quarrel with him, he can easily go to her. There will be less privacy as he will be sharing his secrets and thoughts with her as well. Having another there makes it EXTRA harder than it already is to work on things bwtween you and your husband. Everything will be on a schedule. Who gets to go on vacation with him and when? What if you want to go to a public event together? Who goes? Or I guess you both can go. Any major decisions you have to may (for example, maybe where to live), who gets what say. Will he favor her in his decisions? Can he afford it? It makes it so much more difficult if he can't. This is not about being a gold digger, but the money needs to be enough otherwise the man would just spend most of his money on his beloved wife and neglect the others financially if he cannot afford to provide for them all.

@ OP: I am an unmarried sister, but I think that if I were to be put in such a situation, is that I would just worry about MY marriage and relationship with my husband. If your husband decides to make that decision, you still have to remember your marriage with him is separate from his marriage with her despite being married to the same man. I know it is hard as you will be indirectly linked to her through him, but it is still two separate marriages. Focus on YOUR relationship with him and do things that can strengthen your relationship and not push him towards her. I know at first you will be angry, but do not let him sense that b/c he will just go to her. She will be happy and loving as it is easier being the 2nd wife b/c they tend to ASSUME she would be the favorite. The man will go to where he is most at ease. The best thing to do is exercise patience, patience, patience. Never let him and especially not the other woman see you sad or angry. What she would hate is for you to continue in your marriage happily as if she doesn't exist. Give people the opposite reaction from what they would accept. Don't show people you are hurt. All they would d is rub it in. Do not give anyone that satisfaction. You can cry your eyes out when he is not there to get out the pain, but as long as he doesn't see it. That is how I would deal with it if my husband were to marry again. Also, make a lot of dua for ALlah to give you strength and patience to get through it and also that your husband marries a peaceful sister, is fair and respects both you and any potential new wife as women. Like I said worry about yourself and don't occupy yourself with the other sister.

Also, one more important thing, NEVER bring up the other wife to your husband. Do not talk about her to him. Don't let him think you are jealous of her or she is a threat to you. This will just make her seem more attractive to him. When it is your day, make things about YOU. By bringing her up, you are bringing the attention on her. the last thing you want to do when he is with YOU is to make him think about her, especially if she doesn't talk about you when she is with him. Do not make her relevant. Like I said your marriage is separate. To sum it up, the best way to deal with polygamy is to worry about your own marriage and Inshallah when Allah blesses you with kids, focus on bringing them up right and protecting them. In the end, people will only respect you, even your co-wife.

I learned all this from my 2 grandmothers, aunt, and cousins who were first wives who had very smart ways with dealing with co-wives. They are wonderful women and had STRONG marriages with their husbands despite other women being there. My grandmothers suffered very much especially due to favoritism their husbands showed their second wives, but they went through it well. The co-wives were just envious and couldn't do anything about them. Do not let another woman come and usurp you from your marriage. Otherwise, she will reap all the benefits of your hard work. Hope this helped. Sorry for the long post, but this is a very sensitive issue for me as I have witnessed first hand a lot of women in my family and mother's friends who had struggles in these marriages. I learned from them how to overcome it if I were to ever be put in that situation, which is very likely if I marry a muslim man from west africa.

I agree with you 99.9%

Men should learn to do it right too.

Another part of the whole thing is when the women see each other as enemies and then run from one traditional priest to another, all in the name of being the favored wife, seeking protection for their children, e.t.c. they thereby lose their faith.

^^^^Salam deols.
my question to u is: how can polygamy be done correctly? can u provide me with quranic verses justifying polygamy? Pls do. I really want to figure out how this idea came about. I believe it is important we study d quran carefully. When u are done, i will give u my rendition- God willing..