hey guys, am really depressed rite now,afta 4 yrs in a relationshp wit this guy and a baby, i realise that it is nt as rosy as i tot,we keep having probs weneva we discuss mariage cos both families are though christians, from different denominations - am catholic and he is anglican.

i tot d wedding is supposed to be in the girl's church and i was even ready to leave the catholic church for him, move in with him to a real slum and b with him wiaeva, accept terrible condition of life with him, even afta all i went thru when i was pregnant (he used it as a weapon against me, he would threaten to leave at any slitest provocation,he insulted my parents cos he knew they just wantd to cover up the shame of my not being marrid, and worstt of all he just disapeared when i was 4mnths gone and reapeared when the baby was born)

wen he came bak and i asked for an apology, he was lyk "4get bout wateva happend tis in d past, can u prove i did it anyway" i trid to let things go cos of my daughter, i didnt want a brokn home for her so we got bak to lovin each oda bt till today,his fam havnt shown any suport, they dnt even come to see the baby and wen he comes to discuss mariage with my folks they dnt come arnd, if i confrnt him wit it of nything at all he goes off n lets me know that i am now a tokunbo chic and he was doing me a favour by marring me in d 1st place, at 1st, he realy killed my self esteem

tins now am tird of everything and i nid a breath of fresh air, so i told him off, rather rudely as i have a really bad temper sumtyms, nw i feel guilty bout it all, dnt know if am doing the rite thing, and wat bout my girl, she's going to have to grow up witout daddy always been arnd for her, and plus i feel pity for the guy and i think that mite be all i've ever felt for him - pity
guys pls wat do u tink?

@ Amie: Forget that guy! He sounds like a typical Nigerian man, that just loves to dominate, that's something you could well do without!

The fact that you're a single mother doesn't mean you're bad, neither does it mean your child would be any less loved. Just maintain contact with your ex, for the childs sake, and let them get to know each other.

But as far as getting married to the guy, please, don't! I can't see it working out, a guy that can disrespect your parents will disrespect you too, over the slightest issue. He sounds like the sort that'll provoke you into an arguement, just so he can put you down. It'll always be about him, I'm afraid.

Move on with your life, you'll find someone who'll treat you with the respect you deserve, it doesn't matter that you're a single mother, this isn't 1975, things have moved on, snd single parents are pretty common, and don't make you a pariah.

Depression is a serious affliction, please, see a doctor, who may either refer you fro counselling, or prescribe some medication for you short term.

I wish you the best of luck.

@Poster

It is very wrong to want a man out of pity for him or want him just because he is the father of your girl - you did not mention anything thing like love for him, which is the real thing people get married for. Remember marriage is a life long affair, ask yourself, do you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him? There is nothing wrong in raising your daughter as a single Mum if you dont see eye to eye with the Dad, and if you dont see yourself having a blissful marriage with him.

Well, it seems he is not realy in love with you either - according to you, he thinks he will be doing you a favour by getting married to you in the first case- where do people get married just because they want to favour each other? that to me is very silly to say.

Seems he doesnt love you- you dont seem to love him, its good you have a daughter - focus on taking care of your daughter, and if you think he is having a real change of heart and you realy want him in your life forever, then - thread carefully, but for now, I'll advise you let him be - leave him alone.

let me tell you something woman.
Sometimes its better to be alone than unhappy. He knows you want marriage. He'll continue to dangle that carrot before you. Let him leave!! he wants things to be on his own terms because you are ashamed of having a child without being married? His child for that matter? Quit playing with me!
my dear, if he doesnt see your worth you should get astepping. Another man will want you, child and all!
When one man doesnt see your worth and treats you like a rag another will come, pick you up and treat you like a queen. Good luck to you oh my sister e no easy at all.

I don't fancy people who make choices and later seek other's approval.

@ poster

From your post I can easily deduce you are afraid of being left alone with no support. You don't have to. it's better being off alone than to be with an asshole because everyday that passes, your self-esteem and your child's psychological growth are put at risk. As a mother you ought to make your child grow up in an enviroment with good examples of life.

This said, sit down amd think of the type of image you are giving your child.

I know you are very worried of your child's future and for this reason, every human being with his senses in the right place, would advice you to leave as soon as you can. A mother suffering from low-esteem is the worst that can ever happen to a child.

Sorry to say this, but that is the truth!

Siena:



@ Amie: Forget that guy! He sounds like a typical Nigerian man, that just loves to dominate, that's something you could well do without!


The fact that you're a single mother doesn't mean you're bad, neither does it mean your child would be any less loved. Just maintain contact with your ex, for the childs sake, and let them get to know each other.

But as far as getting married to the guy, please, don't! I can't see it working out, a guy that can disrespect your parents will disrespect you too, over the slightest issue. He sounds like the sort that'll provoke you into an arguement, just so he can put you down. It'll always be about him, I'm afraid.

Move on with your life, you'll find someone who'll treat you with the respect you deserve, it doesn't matter that you're a single mother, this isn't 1975, things have moved on, snd single parents are pretty common, and don't make you a pariah.

Depression is a serious affliction, please, see a doctor, who may either refer you fro counselling, or prescribe some medication for you short term.

I wish you the best of luck.

Gossssssssssssssssss!  I just love you Siena.  I am happy you as a guy brought up the "typical Nigerian guy" thing.  That was the first thing that came to my mind.  Another ill-brought up committment-phobia dude. How can someone just dissapear for 4 months knowing a lady is expecting his child?-----Just like that?---------- -----------   While we do not know the guy's side of the story, and would like to give him the benefit of the doubt--this is all too common and I have no problem believing that this can happen. It happens every day in Nigeria especially. 

When I log on to Nairaland--I always look for your posts, Siena.  You give sound advice no matter how trivial the topic might be.  You are one of the few------- < 0.000000001% that has some common sense around here with nothing but the utmost respect for yourself and others.  You are ma "HIRO NAKUMURA" Thank you very much for bringing joy to many here--including me of course .  You are always so supportive and you are truly a great person.  Lots of love Your responses really gladden my heart---Always!


@poster

Well, Just a few things to add to what my darling Siena said. 

Hold your head high and concentrate on the lives of you and your daughter.  It is not going to be easy at all with all the emotional ties you have to this dude.  But you will succeed.  You just have to find "a way" to do so and no one can help you with that---You are on your own baby.  You got yourself in this mess and you will have to dig yourself out sorry to say.  Get as much help as you can from your family members and move on with your life please.  Someday, this guy might have a place in your life if he truly deserves it--but not now.  You need a break to concentrate on you and your daughter.

The only thing I will beg you for is to stay away from other men as much as possible for now so you do not mess up your daughter's life.  If you were by yourself--I would not worry as much.  But with a young daughter, that becomes very tricky--with opportunities for a whole lot of problems--you know what I mean?  That depression thingy must go--no body is worth it.  Get rid of it please. Your baby girl needs you.

Please finish school, get a good job, devote time to your daughter then look for only healthy relationships--preferably young guys that are single dads too, so you can have something in common.  Single dads also have something at stake and would greatly compliment you. 

You might want to stay away from young irresponsible guys who would make history repeat itself--allow you to get yourself pregnant and take off--just to mess up your life further.  That would absolutely be devastating to have that happen a second time.   You might never recover since depression is already in the works now.  Get some good form of birth control pleasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!   Don't let another man use you as a "toilet".  Take some control over your body, sexuality, mental health, finances and physical health.


Good luck--You can do it!

The advice from Siena is really good.
From vast experience, I would also tell you never marry anyone out
of pity - eventually when the pity goes and is not repalced by love,
you'll feel trapped in that union.

Also a guy who disappears when you are 4 months pregnant and appears
after the baby is born is irresponsible and scared of responsibilty. You can be
sure that in the long run, he will not stand by you to take care of your kids. He'll
always be on the look out for a fresh relationship with less responsibility. You are
better off without him, just trust God for the right man.

What am saying is that everybody deserves to be happy.
If you are in a relationship and you are not happy, then leave if you have tried all to work it out and its not happening.
If you dont, u are laying a very bad foundation for that child - and just causing the child to be messed up emotionally.

i am surprised today to see that i never replied to this post in 2007. Reached out to Amie back then and we (wifey and i) started a friendship that persists till today, she has done well for herself and despite all odds has found true love. Sounds like something from the mexican soaps but true.

seunspice:
i am surprised today to see that i never replied to this post in 2007. Reached out to Amie back then and we (wifey and i) started a friendship that persists till today, she has done well for herself and despite all odds has found true love. Sounds like something from the mexican soaps but true.

Thankz 4 d update

reconcile with him but don't let your happiness rely on him, don't be dependent on him. get something doing to make income. just free him but be with him.

single mother on the long run won't give you the peace you wanted. life is not perfect but try and create your joy don't seek it from someone...

this way he will later seek you like gold

Amievivian, the reason you are depressed is because you are tied down with a baby with someone you dont have much business with.

Waiting to be married with someone who obviously doesn't have you at heart, is nothing but stupid. You are not able to move on, because of this.

My advice: Get your acts together and move on. That doesn't stop him from being the child's father. If he wants to support the child, he can do so from afar. The farther you are from this guy, the better. There are countless number of men who will woo you and marry you as a single mother, if you can repackage yourself, and have little drama and contact with this guy.

Don't let him control your life. It's only the child that connects you. Be strong and find a job or something doing. Look good and move on.

Forget that guy and try to work on yourself, personal development is the key to success , go get a skill or a menial job for you to be able to take of your little baby.
Always learn to survive on your own and be a strong woman. Start afresh pls .



BTW , stop typing like a tout use full text in your spellings.

Very sad story of a woman forcing herself on a mofo!
He insulted your parents pre wedding, he'd do worse post wedding.

Your family is already family for this boy.Family is where you are loved and your back secured. Give him the best life devoid of the useless sperm donor.



Record his convos and save on Google. Take your case to your state welfare so the sperm donor can contribute to his needs.


If you do it alone you will regret cos that child will run to him in future and I'm sure his name is on the birth certificate!

Be brave and show him its his loss!

The said baby should be 12-13years old now...

How time flies.

LadySarah:


Very sad story of a woman forcing herself on a mofo!
He insulted your parents pre wedding, he'd do worse post wedding.

Your family is already family for this boy.Family is where you are loved and your back secured. Give him the best life devoid of the useless sperm donor.



Record his convos and save on Google. Take your case to your state welfare so the sperm donor can contribute to his needs.


If you do it alone you will regret cos that child will run to him in future and I'm sure his name is on the birth certificate!

Be brave and show him its his loss!

Like seriously ma'am?! You're giving an advice to the OP for the post she made in 2007, some 13 years ago? When the kid is already in senior secondary class and the woman has prolly gotten married to another guy.