ONE BIG DUDE

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

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CAMELS



Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cutoff the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1 What's that?
Lady 2 A condom.
Lady 1 Where'd you get it?
Lady 2 You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

'Doesn't matter,' she replied, 'as long as it fits a Camel'

The druggist fainted
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DEAF AND MUTE PARENTS

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response.

"That's how they communicate!, Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, Bleep him - I'm watching the match."
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SWIMMING POOL


Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

'Hello?', says a little girl's voice.

'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'?

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.

After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'

'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!'

'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do , put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'.

'Okay, Daddy'.

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' '

And what happened?'

'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'.

'Oh, my God , and what about Uncle Frank?'

'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'.

There is a long pause, then Bob says , 'Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?!!!
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DOCTOR DAVE


Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go, "

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Dave, you're a vet, "
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SUZUKI'S FIRST DAY IN HIGH SCHOOL


One morning an exchange student from Japan joins a high school.

After introducing Suzuki to the class, the teacher says, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me liberty, or give me death’?” Only Suzuki raises his hand.

“Yes, Suzuki?” asks the teacher.

“Patrick Henry, 1775,” he answers.

“Class, you should be ashamed,” snaps the teacher. “Suzuki is new to our country and knows more about it than you do.”

“Screw the Japs,” whispers a student.

“Who said that?” snaps the teacher.

Suzuki raises his hand, eyes the room, and says, “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”

A student in the back quips, “I think I’m gonna puke.”

“Who said that?” yells the teacher.

“George Bush, 1991,” Suzuki yelps.

“Oh, yeah? Suck this!” shouts a frustrated student.

Suzuki stands up and declares, “Bill Clinton, 1997!”

Another student screams, “You little shit. If you say one more word, I swear I’ll kill you!”

Suzuki jumps on the chair and yells, “Gary Condit, 2001!”

What if i dont laugh?

Funny but, most of em have been here b4.

what's funny about these

Badly told

"You gotta laff" at reposted and double reposted jokes